Married man....please help

[female1981]

everybody,

 

i have not sent it.

[female1981]

i need time to think. but i was so close. god... im feeling so unnerved. actually feel sick with nerves

[ImThatGirl]

Female - You are keeping us in suspense!

 

Maybe sleep on it before sending it this time. ?

 

I've got to run... Time to pick up my kiddies from daycare. I'll try to check in later. Feel free to pm me if you'd like.

 

Hugs~

[ImThatGirl]

And Female - I'm sorry if I failed in supporting you....

 

At some point I think you need closure. When you feel strong enough.. I don't know. I guess I'm sincerely putting myself in your situation and I understand.

 

Talk to you soon!!! Hang in there. Keep your chin up tonight. Find something to keep yourself super busy!!!

[female1981]

And Female - I'm sorry if I failed in supporting you....

 

 

 

dont say that. uve been great. im just fed up

[Bethany]

this email is different. i promise you. i think he will be quite shocked at just how cold it is.

 

This email is not different, it's the same obsessive email but in another form.

 

If you send it, you will feel better at first because you have got rid of the compulsion to send it, but then reality will set in and your stomach will sink and you will realise that you are back where you started, realise that this is obsessive, feel guilty and ashamed and you WILL feel worse.

 

Write as many emails as you like, but don't follow through. Instead use them to help you.

 

You must let the feeling come and go without following through. Just because you FEEL you have to, doesn't mean you HAVE to follow through.

 

Deal with the feelings inside yourself when you feel it rising inside.

 

This is your nightmare, don't make it his.

 

Let the feeling pass.

[Juliana]

Oh, honey, no, no no. You're doing so well! No. No "cold" emails. No angry emails. No emails at all. You see, you think he cares how you feel, and thereforeeee will take your email seriously. No, he does not. He will have even less respect for you because of what he will perceive as a loss of control. He will search around for a ten foot pole to keep between you the next time he sees you. Because every single solitary time you contact him, that's what he thinks: She's lost control.

 

No, what he cares about is himself, and your last email couldn't be better. It's absolutely perfect. "I love you, I want you, you're wonderful...." And then he doesn't hear from you anymore. He is left with the knowledge that he could have had something amazing, and didn't. And the faster and more completely you move on from him, the more bitter that knowledge will be. Personally, I would leave that last email like a knife in his gut, and walk away.

 

This isn't brain surgery, here. This guy is pretty transparent. Most of us have dated him at one time or another. Or we've had friends who dated him -- and he two-timed that friend with us. So believe me when I tell you, there is one thing and one thing only that can hurt him: Forget him.

[Hope75]

I agree with Bethany.

 

At this point, the content of your emails is not what is important, but the fact that you are still sending them is. Even if you tell him you are fine and ready to move forward, he is going to know by the mere action of you writing him yet again when he has not responded thus far that you are far from over him, still thinking of him, still hurting him. Don't let him have that satisfaction.

 

He made a mistake- he came dangerously close to cheating on his wife, and he told you some very inappropriate things. Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, save what dignity you have left and walk away from him.

 

Do this as a gift to yourself. You deserve it.

[Mystical029]

Ok, I have to comment on this. I'm new to this site and haven't posted much but I read this whole thread and must reply. I feel for you female, and what your going through. I think it's like trying to get water from a dry well though. This guy is married and committed to someone else. That is a bond he is not willing to break. Do you know how long he's been married or if he has kids? I'm speaking to you from a wife's point of view. Put yourself in his wife's shoes. How would you feel if you were the wife and he was talking to and seeing another woman? I'm sure she doesn't know about it but probably suspects something is out of the ordinary with him. I know that feeling all too well. He has a history with his wife. He obviously loved her enough at one time to marry her. He probably still loves or else he wouldn't be avoiding you. He probably just made a mistake by spending time with you like he did. Maybe his marriage is lacking something he was getting from you. Maybe his wife doesn't pay attention to him. Maybe she doesn't have conversations with him like he had with you. Conversation is big with men. They need a woman who can carry on a interesting, but not too deep conversation. If you two were never intimate, his marriage is probably not lacking in that area. I know you are carrying feelings for this man, but do you ever think about, or get bothered by the fact that he goes home every night to his wife. They have dinner together, balance the check book, watch movies, or whatever they do, then they go to bed and probably sleep in the same bed. He kisses he goodnight everynight, and good morning every morning, because he wants to....Not because he wants to be with you. Just my opinion...

[Spacey]

This will sound harsh but I think the only sort of closure you will get from sending him any more emails will be in the form of a Restraining Order.

[Me_alone]

Hi female, I think you are doing really well, but agree with the rest that sending the email is just another way of establishing a 'bond' with him - which he doesnt want and you shouldn't want. And I agree...if you told him you love him and then never contact him again, that will not give HIM closure. He deserves that. But if you write to him coldly saying 'I don't want to be with you', he will probably pat himself on the back for being so righteous and not cheating on his wife and also teling the 'other woman' to back off clearly. I know guys like that.

So don't give him closure. Just get on with your life and look and feel great next time you run into him. He'll be like...but wasn't she supposed to be crying, pining away....??? That will raise you sooo much in his eyes, no matter what he makes of you right now

[female1981]

i sent it before i went to bed last night. feeling a bit weird right now. please dont anybody think that i didnt take in to account what u were saying. i just had little control when it came down to it. but i am in some small way glad that he doesn't think i hold him so highly anymore in my head. even if he doesnt think so much in depth right now about it, i am sure that in some time, when he he stops receiving my mails permanently, he will look back at that mail and understand it from my point of view (thats if he doesn't delete it after reading it). and i hear what you are all saying about making him wonder, being mysterious etc. but i think i am at a point now where my emotions have been dragged through the mud... and well, i am just so tired. i dont know if i care so much anymore in that way. i actually feel that i want out of this properly. at this moment in time, i do not want to see him again. what would be the point. and actually i will do whatever i can to ensure that i do not have to see him again. it will only be both damaging and embarrassing to me.

[Me_alone]

If you are sure that you never want to see him again, I guess it's OK.

After all, I made one final phonecall in which I told my ex in no uncertain terms what a jerk he was. But never contacted again...

NOW if you contact, you realise you will look obsessive, weak and basically a pain. Not to be harsh, but if this email was the final door closing, opening it again will be AWFUL for you. Now just let it go.

[Bethany]

Listen to me, you are developing OCD.

 

This is about your obsession with him and your compulsive urge to mail him. Stop mailing him to make you feel better or get rid of the anxiety you feel.This is YOUR problem, not his.

 

If you feel out of control, it's because you are. You are mailing a man to get rid of your compulsive urges, but what you forget is that they come back to bite you on the ***.

 

This isn't about the nasty man who broke your heart, this man made a mistake, recognised he was getting in too deep and made a decision to walk away and end it. You are lucky SO FAR that this man has been so patient with you. He may now feel that he and his marriage are under threat and might chose to do something about it.

 

Why are you writing nasty emails to a man who has done the right thing?

 

I have told you many times to let the feeling pass without acting upon it. When you feel the urge, own this feeling, let it sweep over you and your anxiety will calm and all this WILL come to an end. Understand what you are doing and why.

 

This is becoming an illness and if you cannot take the good advice from the people on here who are trying to help you, me included, then you NEED to see a doctor. No joke.

[Spacey]

i actually feel that i want out of this properly. at this moment in time, i do not want to see him again. what would be the point. and actually i will do whatever i can to ensure that i do not have to see him again. it will only be both damaging and embarrassing to me.

 

But you obviously don't want out, otherwise you would leave him alone. By contacting him again and again you are drawing yourself further into this emotional hell.

 

Sigh. You will email him again, in a few days you will come up with a 'different' email that you 'have to' send, and it will be the same and same again until he either gets the police involved to stop you harassing him or you wake up one day and realise you have wasted years of your life on this guy.

 

There are lots of wise people on this board, people who have been where you are right now, giving you some sound advice. You are too emotionally involved to think clearly. Listen to this advice.

[herewegoagain]

Female - please get a hold of yourself. STOP the emails and move on with your life. Believe me, I know what it is like to feel miserable when a realtionship doesn't go your way. It is painful and very hard, so I know the suffering you are going through is very difficult, but please move on. I'm not being harsh - rather, I am trying to help you.I've been following this whole story, and whenever you talk about emailing him again, I say to myself, "oh no, not again, please don't do it."Forget about him TOTALLY.

[Dilly]

Female, I'm afraid I've lost hope. I'm really disappointed. You will be lucky if you don't suffer real consequences professionally (in the form of a written reprimand) and legally now.

[Juliana]

I feel so bad for you. I don't know if you're even reading these posts now. Look, it's important to understand that everyone here has your best interests at heart. What does it mean when several different people all agree on something? We see what you don't. Please listen to our advice; there isn't really an option for you here in terms of what you can choose to do. You have to move on; you will not be having a relationship or any closure or healing with this man.

 

You cannot force someone to communicate with you. You can't force someone into a relationship with you, or get them to tell you what you need to hear -- which I don't think this guy is capable of figuring out anyway. Only you can help yourself feel better, and that will only start when you stop looking to him for some relief from your feelings.

 

If you truly cannot control yourself, go to the doctor and get a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication or for Prozac, which is supposed to be good for OCD. If this is out of your control, if you cannot stop, and you are just justifying your behaviour, you need help. Fortunately, help is reasonably cheap and private.

[Me_alone]

I know you are hurting. Hell, it's taking me SO MUCH SELF-CONTROL not to call/text the person who HURT me and USED me and MADE A FOOL OUT OF ME for TWO YEARS. Yes, I texted him 9 times the DAY he ended it VERY HORRIBLY and MALICIOUSLY, and then there was ONE FINAL call in which I told him exactly what I thought of his treatment and lies and cheating...And that's it...I know that contacting him will bring me NOTHING but misery, now or later. I still feel the urge to call him. But I just feel sad instead, sometimes I cry, sometimes I watch TV, sometimes I come here. But I don't call him.

 

My point is, when you want to call, you will feel MISERABLE. But that is no reason to call. Feel the misery. It is a miserable situation.

 

This man hasn't cheated on his wife with you, you havent been with him for years (you broke up with someone else only 10 months ago) and by not responding to you, he is clearly showing that he knows where his priorities are. And just be thankful he hasn't flung back accusations at you yet (like mine did).

 

So salvage what you can, cut your losses and forget about contacting him. It should be a no-go zone from now. Just imagine it's impossible. He's migrated to Mars. IT CANNOT HAPPEN. And feel miserable if necessary. That's still better than what this could develop into if you keep emailing.

[Dilly]

All I gotta say is, you were nasty to him after what appeared to be a reasonable period of contemplation. Your condemnation of the situation is going to frighten the hell out of him. He's going to think that during the next few days of no contact, you will be contemplating telling his wife, or escalating this matter to hurt him in some other way (It's looking like FATAL ATTRACTION to him now and he's probably going to tell his wife and you better be careful that she doesn't come after you). You better watch your step and I'm serious, you're in jeopardy now! I would look elsewhere for a job, OR take a leave of absense! Sometimes we dig our graves and that's the only way we learn. When you dig your own grave, you realize how vulnerable you are to someone pushing you in. WATCH YOUR BACK!

[ImThatGirl]

*********************************************************

Female - I'm supporting you on this one....

 

I think that you are going through closure. You've realized that this isn't good for you, that he's not good for you, that you must move on. I can see that in your posts.

 

I'd most likely have sent it too. How many of you wouldn't have? Maybe I'm the rarity but I must have closure. And I can't stand being left to look like a fool and for someone to think they destroyed my rationality, confidence, esteem, etc. etc.

 

It's clear that she's not going to get in trouble over this one last email. I'm assuming that it was the most rational one of them all. If anything, I think he will be relieved that this is all really ending and that she is doing well.

 

Female - how do you feel today?

 

*********************************************************

[herewegoagain]

Female - Again, I want to reiterate that we are all here for you and we are not cutting you down. We want to help you, but you have to help yourself. I don't even know you, but I am kind of worried about you. Please talk to someone if you have to. Get someone to help you.PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE - MOVE ON. You are not thinking straight, so please listen to us. Do not give in to what your mind is telling you, because your mind is not in a state to act rationally anymore.

[Dilly]

I've been where Female is now before (only not with a married man) and through the exact same emotional roller coaster, down the same obsessive path, and always thought I was getting closure, but then, I needed more. She has sent nasty emails before, regretted it, and then, followed up with apologies and confused messages. Now, she's mad again. It's messy! He felt threatened and could hardly look her in the eye the last time he saw her and ... now, a scornful email claiming to seek closure. TOO SOON! BAD MISTAKE! But one I have made numerous times. I was 28-29. Won't make those mistakes again. I am still suffering the emotional backlash of rejection.

[Dilly]

And yes, I'm worried about you too, Female. Just know we care and are here for you!

[ImThatGirl]

I have past experience with this too. Dilly, in those situations, we know it's easier said than done. You know?

 

I've learned and I crawl back into my shell now if rejected or hurt by someone.

 

I choose to believe that this email was different and that she is recovering from this difficult event in her life.

 

Hope ya know, jmo, Dilly! I truly respect yours! ((Hugs))