Married man....please help

[Dilly]

It's a constant struggle and that's the hard part. I let my guard down on multiple occasions in my experiences with obsessive compulsive communication with an emotionally closed man and it got me NOWHERE fast and deeper in the hole that rejection carved out for me.

 

He's not a noble man - but a gremlin! He wanted to bone you and extract attention because he needed the ego boost and now that he's awoken the monster in you, he will never see you through the same glasses that you envision him. He is looking at you through green lenses and everything he sees from you will make him queezy.

 

You need to understand that men are very aggressive and when they really want something, they will go after it. You have NOTHING TO PROVE TO HIM. He's the one that let you down and he knows it. He never helped you move around the heavy equipment - he's scared and nothing you say or do will ever change that. He needs to come to his own terms with this and if you see each other again, pretend nothing happened and like he's nothing extraordinary. Just kill him with kindness and all the disregard you would pay a sleeping dog (as Hope put it).

[Dilly]

So my vote is strongly in favor of restraint! 100% no gray wishy washy feelings about this!

[female1981]

thanks once again

 

you are so so right. i just need this instilled in me. he does not deserve any special treatment from me, nor any respect. i am seeing him as an ideal, but in reality he is much more less than ideal. if i am patient i will find somebody that is much much more suited to me.

[ImThatGirl]

Once you are over him and able to see through this, you will have the opportunity to enjoy life and meeting new people again. I know it's weird to think about life without thoughts of him but you will get there.

 

Can you imagine the pain if this had went even further? It could be worse. Right now you are tredding water but if you allow him back in, you may be under water....

 

I feel for you! Time, time will make things easier.

[Dilly]

I'mThatGirl is so right! I am proud of you for coming to some of the conclusions you are coming to. Now, I want to warn you in the event that he does write you because I feel he's manipulated you into liking him and I'm afraid he falls into the category of men that need an ego trip or confirmation that you're still interested after the well has appeared to dry up. Please if he writes you, DO NOT fill with joy. QUESTION IT and HIS MOTIVES! Not that he will, but if he does, it is nothing but evidence that he is an egomaniac and you should totally refrain from getting emotionally involved in his trap.

[Dilly]

Just don't take the bait.

[female1981]

thank u for ur wise words. i will try my best to be smarter and not simply influenced by emotion

[Dilly]

You sound strong!!! It's tough, but it's respectful. Just know you're getting to him and leave it at that. Imagine this to be emotional voodoo and any correspondence will provide relief. Make him jump through the hoop and stear clear of any common friends who might be his informers. Do not plant seeds of information hoping that they grow and bud flowers for him to appreciate. It will simply not work.

[female1981]

hi dilly,

 

i do get some form of solace in thinking that perhaps he is wondering why i have stopped emailing him, suffering even. i know thats wrong, but it provides comfort to think that perhaps he feels pain also. it is much harder if i start thinking that he is relieved, happy even that i have stopped. and if he is wondering, then yes, i would provide him emotional relief if i do email him... and why should i do that? he certainly doesn't deserve it. after all, even though he knew how hard i found it, he never offered me any kind of emotional support. no... he told me his feelings... then disappeared, after finding out that i liked him so so much. he told me he loved me, i told him i was crazy about him, and he walked away, despite me declaring that i was suffering so badly... did he care? NO.... thereforeeee if he is suffering right now (god knows if he is) i will not make this easier for him.... i hate playing these games... its not me. but i have been left no other option. i have almost been forced down this road by him. the emotional neglect by him towards me was really selfish. he was protecting himself from falling deeper and getting more carried away... i can see it now. he didnt care about the mess that he made or how i would be stuck in that mess after he backed off. he completely refused to talk to me about it, to provide me with emotional relief, even though i almost begged to have a talk with him. i feel so angry when i think about it in this way

[Dilly]

Oh you are on the path to recovery now, Female!!! Truly you see it for what it is. Yes, I assure you he is wondering and you need not EVER provide him with anything, especially if he writes you, strikes up a conversation, etc. The beauty is that you can flip the power on him. I know this is twisted but if he writes you, you don't say a word (if it's not professionally oriented). Just ignore it and then, you will have the upper hand and no matter what, he will experience the rejection and the fact that you are already not writing means he is already experiencing rejection. Let him. He was cold, uncaring, and very sloppy with you and is a little gremlin waiting to go goblin on you. He's not a good man, our emotions and wishful thinking impair our ability to see things clearly. The way he handled this situation is a mark of his cowardice (at best). He used poor judgment in the first place (judgment born in deception on multiple levels) and then, didn't take responsibility for it, and projected the blame onto you by not addressing your concerns/emotional repercussions. Goblin.

[female1981]

yes dilly. i know. i am beginning to hate him. but the problem is i still feel very sad about the situation and when i read your post, my very instinct was to email him and tell exactly all these things which i have now figured out.... i hate it!!!!!!! its almost as though i want to tell him all this stuff... stick it in his face and say 'im not stupid you know - u messed me about'. i want to tell him that so badly. the last email i wrote him was so stupid. telling him i loved him, thought he was great, wished we could have been together etc etc, and now.... god he must be sitting away happily, thinking that this is some love story out of a movie. unrequited love at its best.... i dont want him to think that i am sitting here pining away, that i think of him as some kind of god, and right now i am worried he does think that. thats why i am tempted to tell him how i feel, no emotions, just a very well written email stating that i figured it out and what i now think of him. it wouldnt express anger as that would make it clear that i am probably still bothered, but instead i would make it just state the facts. what do you think?

[ImThatGirl]

female - I understand.

 

How about you just send him an email in a couple weeks stating:

 

"Ha - I'm doing great. Life goes on. Please disregard the last email I sent you x amount of days ago."

 

Or something short and simple along those lines? I do agree that you may need closure. . . Just make sure you wait until you are strong!!!

 

Hugs!

[female1981]

hi imthatgirl

 

thanks for understanding. yes i need for him to know that i can see things for what they are and were. i will not have him thinking of himself as some kind of love god, with the company's 'pretty girl' crazy about him.

 

well i have written an email and saved it. i quite like how i have written it. it is not so short, but it is very UNemotional anhd simply states the facts that occurred and the conlusions from his actions. in terms of length, it is aboout half a page on Word,... much shorter than the 2 pages of emotion i wrote him last week.

[Dilly]

NO

 

Please do not send him anything! Your ultimate power lies embedded in the aura of mystery. Do not ask about him, do not discuss him (with anyone who knows him), do not write him or others who may speak to him. He MUST NOT KNOW anything. If anyone you consort with knows him, cut off communication about him with them. It will get back because it's a juicy gossip column and I remember once you stated you asked someone when he was moving (so I'm nervous you're talking about him to work mates). That is a HUMONGOUS mistake if you want to rise above this on a magic carpet. You can recover so quickly and magically if you merely take over your mad obsession to write him. You have been successful thus far!!! DO NOT WRITE HIM. It would be nice to thumb your nose at him, but even then, he's thinking HA-GOT HER WHERE I WANT HER-SHE WAS COMPELLED TO WRITE ME AND TELL ME HOW GOOD HER LIFE IS! It's a dead end, because then, you're going to feel something and you want the connection between your heart and mind to die for him. Once it's no longer there, you will treat him with the same indifference as a sleeping dog. Let it go!!! You're single, You have your life in front of you, Yours can look so much more exciting!!! The single woman (the other woman, you) in a trist in trists like this gets no respect UNTIL she realizes what she has been doing adn RISES ABOVE it like a phoenix from the ashes and has a vantage far superior to the burning chaos she left behind. Leave him alone - he's a burning pile of rubbish. I really like the idea of a quick recovery, maintenance of your mystery, and a move to an exciting relationship with someone who spoils you rotten. Start thinking about what you might really want in a man and when you see it, express a spontaneous interest but be picky without filtering your fun too much!!!

[ImThatGirl]

But, Dilly -

 

What about closure?

[Dilly]

You can simply not control another's thoughts. All the stuff you put in writing is going to make you seem batty. Your only road to respect is abstinance. Trust me, as soon as he sees your name in the box, he's going to swell with pride. Doesn't matter what it says.

[Dilly]

I hear what you're saying I'mThatGirl, and sure, it's OK but she tried that over and again and he never gave it to her. He's a true jerk and sometimes telling a true jerk he's a true jerk only gives the true jerk the upper hand because they obviously made you upset. Let it go. Toss it up to a life lesson (a most valuable one) and know he's not capable of anything short of cowardice. She was in her time of need and he couldn't even look her in the eye. Telling him now what he did wrong may sound reasonable, but I think this guy is a creep and incapable of empathy.

[Dilly]

I have gone down this road and tried to express how I have been victimized and it really doesn't work. Mystery is the magic. And disinterest.

[female1981]

dilly this is really hard. in the past i have sent really soppy emails. this email is different. i promise you. i think he will be quite shocked at just how cold it is. and it does give me some self repsect because it takes away the effects of the last one where i professed my undying love like some love sick teenager. i know i cant control his feelings, but at least i can communicate to him that i see through his actions. he is an intellingent educated man. he will read it carefully and understand. i dont want to be in his head the one that is in love

[ImThatGirl]

That may be the case.

 

But to look at it from another point.

 

Here we have a beautiful, strong, well rounded woman. This guy takes advantage of her loneliness, swoons her, tells her he loves her, etc. etc. Basically takes her on a rollercoaster ride that eventually crashes. In the midst of all this, she loses good judgement, she hurts, she thought she should believe everything he said, she realizes it was all bull and yes, she sends him emails that prove how what he did hurt her.

 

Isn't it fair that she send him an email to tell him that she is able to see things in a clearer light and doing well? Rather than let him go with thinking he destroyed her?

 

Sidenote: As long as she is really stronger when she sends it.?

[female1981]

i am very close to sending this

[ImThatGirl]

Right now?

 

Do you feel strong enough?

[female1981]

yes. i need to do this. please support me

[ImThatGirl]

You have my support! I'm just have jitters for you!

[Spacey]

DON'T!!!! Sorry I haven't posted in your thread before but I have been following it. Go back and read your other posts- you always thought every email you sent was 'dfferent' and 'ok'. Like the others you will regret sending this one!

 

This will not help you, and any chance of him ever contacting you will be gone. You are too close to this situation to think rationally. Listen to Dilly- you need to cut him off until you are feeling less emotional, then have this coversation with him. You are going to look foolish and like a stalker, doesn't matter how unemotional or cool the email is.

 

PLEASE DON"T SEND IT!!!