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Does having a "nice" car really matter??


486dx4
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Hi,

 

It has been a while since I posted something here but I thought I'd write about someone I met for coffee which in the end did not work out (fortunately perhaps). Usually everyone is nice and to not hurt your feelings you never get the real reasons why you are not for them.

 

Well on this occasion I did get some feedback and a big turnoff for her was that my car was old and was ready for the wrecking ball as she put it. I wrote back with comments that rating someone like this is superficial and what matters is that you are compatible with each other, etc. During the coffee date the conversation was good I thought. She was the same age as I was (Late 30's), was divorced with one child which was not a problem for me. At the end my car was parked next to hers (nice german convertible car) and I guess all changed even though she said at the time we should go out again. Later I got an e-mail from her saying its not going to work out even though you are a nice person. Another turnoff for her was that I used a gift card to pay for the coffee which I did not understand at all.

 

The question is however in the real world does having a nice car matter deep down to most women? I know the "correct" answers will be it should not but is this really an issue? In the end I'm glad things did not work out because then other things would not be right (my house would be too small or too old, etc.).

 

Oh yes - my car is a late 80's Plymouth full size sedan. It is old but it runs well, Has heat and A/C, I can fix it, and its all paid for. And I like the car

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Hmmmmmm this is a good one...

 

I would love to say that materialistic things don't matter, and to some they don't. However, if i were to met a guy on 1st date, then i may be put off a little if he didn't have a reasonably car...didn't dress well etc.

 

That said - if i met a guy who i really fell for, i think it would be irrelevant - as long as i could drive!

 

I suppose things like cars etc can be a measuring tool to some of your success and how you view life e.g do you like the finer things? e.g are you a 'finest' at Tesco or 'value'

 

I know how shallow i will sound replying to this - but i am just being honest.

 

The gift card thing - i can see her point a little!! maybe if you'd used this on the 3rd date it would be ok. And i can't explain why it would be an issue as such - i can just kinda get the issue she may of had -especially mixed with the car.

 

at the end of the day - you're probably better without her.....

 

(re reading this i sound SOoooo shallow - sorry!)

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Is it necessary? Prolly not. Does it help? Yes.

 

Although if your car is breaking down left and right, and you don't have heat/ac or working windows, your going to have a problem. I currently have 2 cars, a reliable nice daily driver w/ good air/heat, nice sound system, plenty of room, and an exterior that is in good shape. Then I have my other car, which is rusty, small, doesn't have A/C, requires me to constantly get out and tune/fix things, and has no stereo, but is quick and fun to drive (for me anyways). I generally try and drive car #1 when my GF is with me, simply because I know she'll be more comfortable.

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For me it doesn't matter at ALL. Honestly, the only 'material' thing that I care about is not really material: a man that is clean, dresses in a personal style that I like, that's it.

 

I think the comments about your car tell you more about her than about the car.

 

I don't have a car, neither does my bf. We both have a bike and rely on public transportation (better for the environment and our wallets). He has a very old apartment, I used to have an apartment in the same house, also quite old. But it's clean and neat.

 

About the gift card, I would think it was a bit strange, but if I liked the guy... really I wouldn't give it any thought. And I would certainly NOT use it as an excuse for not wanting to date the guy anymore. She sounds like someone YOU shouldn't want for a second date. Basically what she says about your car, gift card, etc. means: "I am just not that into you".

 

Ilse

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Hmmmmmmm....

 

I can SORT of see her (your dates) point of view. I am not shallow by ANY

means...but if I were dating someone, I guess I would look at the "big

picture" even if it's on a subconscious level. I would think : "hmmm...he has

a MUCH older car, and he paid for coffee with a gift certificate" to me that

might mean you are either stingy with your money...OR you would not be able to provide for a family sufficiently. Is this shallow?? Probably...but it's reality.

 

First impressions DO matter, regardless of what people think. As another

poster said..maybe using the gift card would have been better on the

THIRD date..not the first.

 

If a woman showed up in shabby, dirty clothes, stringy hair, and looked as

if she made NO effort......what would YOUR impression be?

 

Perception is reality for many people.

 

Sorry if I sound shallow....just my opinion.

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well 486..... ultimately, it sounds like you two weren't compatible....

 

i think that the right woman for you wouldn't and shouldn't be turned off by these things. but this one was, so she isn't for you....

 

ok, to be honest.... hm.... I could see the old car and the gift card as a bit of a turn off. it is possible that maybe she is looking for a man who is more wealthy (or at least has the outer impression of wealthy) and paying for coffee with a gift card and an old car don't show it. If she is looking for a "provider", then it seems like she didn't think you were it.

 

I can kind of see where she is coming from... it is one thing for ilse and her boyfriend (who are students) to maybe not own a nice car and bike, but if you are 38 and not a student or social worker or teacher (all great jobs, just severly underpaid), she may wonder if you are ambitious enough.

 

(EDIT: I dated a man in his 30s who was extremely intelligent, but did not have an exciting and great paying job. i think it was all the pot that the smoked that made him less ambitious. I think if he wanted, he could have gone onto graduate school and gotten a far better paying job, he is smart enough, but he didn't have the motivation to go. that was a red flag, when I look back on it....)

 

you never know, her last boyfriend could have been super cheap, and now she is on the lookout for even the slightest hint of "cheap behavior."

 

but it all adds up to you two not being a good match, so I wouldn't waste too much sleep over this woman.

 

good luck

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In my opinion, the car doesn't matter. As long as it gets you to where you want to go safely, it's fine.

 

As far as the gift card, I've actually been on a "date" (long story) where the guy paid with a gift card. Some of my friends that I told about it thought it was pretty rude, but I didn't care. In my case, it allowed him to take me to a nicer place. Plus, he didn't have to use that gift card on me. He could have saved it for two trips to the place or used it on someone else. For you, you could have saved the gift card for yourself and not wanted to spend it on her, but you didn't. And it was just coffee. I just don't see it as a big deal.

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If this girl has money and appreciates nice things, then I could honestly see why she would be turned off by the car and gift card. I'm not saying that every girl would feel the same way, but this one seemed different ... like she was looking for someone who was around the same part of their life as she was. And, sorry to say, but I don't really find anything wrong with that.

 

For the record ... if it was just coffee, I'd probably be turned off by the gift card. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude here at all, but if I went on a date with a 38 year-old (and was around that age too), and the guy pulled out a gift card for $2 coffee, I'd have to REALLY like him to want to continue dating him.

 

Did you pick the place to have coffee, or did she? If you did, she may have assumed that you picked the place so that you could use your gift card. She may have perceived it as being cheap or stingy in some way. And again, many girls wouldn't even think twice about this sort of thing. A girl who has a great job, money, and who likes nice, expensive things will most likely not be your perfect match.

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Personally, I find thriftiness something of a turn-on, as I'm into managing my own money as well as I possibly can.

 

The way I look at it:

 

Old car, well-maintained, runs good & clean inside = you take care of your things and don't feel the need to impress the masses by driving something that costs more per month than what I paid in rent for my first apartment.

 

Using a gift card to pay = 1. someone likes you enough to give you a gift card. 2. bottom line is YOU took care of the bill...why does it matter HOW you took care of it? When I was single I was always a little leery of the guy paying my way on the first meeting and even into the first couple dates, so I generally attempted (and often succeeded) to pay my own bill anyway.

 

This is coming from someone who's been described by most exes and my husband as a "real low maintenance" gal....well, in a material/financial sense, anyway, so my interpretation of events may be very different than a gal who has a.....slightly more "traditional" view of male/female roles or who, perhaps, isn't actively practicing a thrifty lifestyle herself.

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yeah, I see your point S2S. A car is a terrible investment. Loses like $5000 of its value the moment you drive it off the lot! I too would rather meet a guy that invested him money more wisely than in a brand new flashy car.... And I have a few gift cards lying around my house, it's very annoying, the second I find one after a long time, I try to use it as soon as possible, so I don't forget again.

 

yeah, it does sound like she has "traditional" values.....

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I'm actually with S2S also. As long as the car is well maintained and not a jallopy. There's a book called "the Millionaire Next-Door". It talks about the fact that most millionaires are wealthy for the *very* fact that they don't blow there money living at, and especially above, their means. Most don't buy new cars. most *would* take advantage of gift cards given to them... etc.

 

There is a big difference between being stingy and being thrifty... and, it doesn't seem that she wanted to stick around to find out what you were. My dad has always been very poor, but he is one of the most generous people I know.

 

Given a choice, I would rather go out with someone generous of heart than generous of material goods. Giving within your means is a wonderful thing and, if someone makes you feel bad about it because they think you should have more means, then I think they are placing too much importance on things that are impermanent.

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Well, I'm driving a 97 Malibu that isn't very nice soooo - if people always judge on cars, I'm gonna have some problems.

 

I've had people ask me what car I have early on. All a matter of Status Quo.

 

The way I see it is, if they are that into "status quo" and showing off their money by material things rather than enjoying the basic things in life, I don't want to be with them and could probably never live up to their "high life" living standards. I can't stand blowing money on things that are expensive. I'd be on edge living with someone that constantly spent tons of money to live up to status quo. Not that I wouldn't date someone with a very nice car but I don't think it should be a deciding factor.

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I don't think I would have a problem with the guys car....as long as I knew

he was able to sufficiently support himself...because lets face it, when you consider a relationship with someone you DO look for security. Who says....I want to date a guy with no money, no car, and no ambition?? No one does.

 

I agree with NJRon..and that I would MUCH rather date someone who is generous in heart than material things. Love does not always come in a pretty, EXPENSIVE package.

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I think this was incredibly shallow of her.

 

I personally would want a man who doesn't need to be flashy.

 

I have mostly dated men who drove Mercedes, BMWs, SUVs, etc, and it was a complete turn-off,

 

I would now prefer a modest man who understands that life is not about money, it's about being a good person and taking care of loved ones.

 

The gift-card use is great, aren't gift cards supposed to be like cash, I see no problem there.

 

My belief is that a person can spend money on a house but throwing away money on a car is just a waste because it loses so much value so quickly, gets dinged in the parking lot, etc.

 

I can related to you, my previous car was a luxury car, I would have people compliment it and I got tired of it, so I ended up donating the car to charity when it started having mechanical problems. My current car is a new, small, compact economical car, great mileage, cute, and perfect for me. I went on a date with this wealthy guy and he told me, your car is a piece of something I won't mention on here. I was really offended and told him that the richest people are the ones who don't have to show off and are rich because they are good people. I don't need to prove myself to anyone and neither do you.

 

You will find someone who is not superficial. Your car or card would sure not have offended me and I am sure not offended many women.

 

Hugs, Rose

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The more you research male/female interactions, the more it becomes obvious that any kind of material qualities such as looks, money, car, house, fame or any other tangable asset can only help you with women, but is not necessary and a very easily overcomable obstacle. I have this one friend, ugly, overweight, drives a 1990 Nissan Sentra he bought for 900 dollars 2 years ago, still lives with his parents, hardly has any friends, smokes, doesn't dress well, has a dead end job with no future, but he has women hanging all over him. This is not some magical power, he just has the ability to communicate with women effectively. This is a skill any guy can learn.

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As for the girl, she basically just wasn't into you and your car or gift card have nothing to do with it. It's just an excuse to explain the emotions, which is very common for people to do called reverse rationalization. Be sure and take a very hard look at how the interaction went between you two and the way you came accross to her. The way you say things/communicate to her, whether verbally or nonverbally is much more important than the specific words which come out of your mouth.

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486dx4,

 

The problem with this woman is that she never realized she was on a date with you and not your car.

 

To put it short, she did you a favor by quickly eliminating herself. Although you had a good conversation with her, the true her came out in the end.

 

Do cars matter to women? Some, yes, some no. It all depends on what is ideal to each woman. Would buying a newer car get you more women or get women to like you more? Not a chance!

 

A buddy of mine tried this about 6 months back because he thought women liked nice cars, nice clothes, a nice watch, and a lot of bling. Did it work on some women? Not really because he didn't have any game and an overly aggressive nature with women. So now, he's stuck with a fat payment and is still trying to attract women with a car. As funny as that sounds, it's true.

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UGGGG!!!!! How rude!!!!! I am glad there was no second date!

 

Wow - what must guys think of me? I don't even OWN a car! I don't want one and don't need one....

 

Yes, Annie, this guy wanted a gold-digger and that isn't me. He even was like, hey want to check out the GPS in my car and play with the electronics in my car. I was like, hmmm....not really. lol Needless to say, next time he called, I was like, oh I am busy painting my nails right now. Who got the last laugh?

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"reverse rationalization" - that's a good point!

 

if she really liked him, she might have said something like, "well, my last boyfriend had a great car and paid for everything with $100 bills, but he was a jerk, and this guy is so different from him, I like him!"

 

My ex used to do that with me. He was like my previous ex used to by me $500 Armani suits and pay for everything...are you going to be my sugar momma now? I was like, keep dreaming, because I am not going to be your bank of america ATM card. Superficial people are just not worth anyone's time. The happiest people are many times the poorest.

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I can kind of see where she is coming from... it is one thing for ilse and her boyfriend (who are students) to maybe not own a nice car and bike, but if you are 38 and not a student or social worker or teacher (all great jobs, just severly underpaid), she may wonder if you are ambitious enough.

 

 

Annie, my bf and I are both employees at uni, not PhD students. There is no such thing in the Netherlands, the whole process is very different (no gradschool with courses, it's a 4 year research project you do on your own). In fact, it's besides the issue. If you put our incomes together, we'd be able to buy a car. I think a lot of people in our circumstances may want a car, we live 200 km apart and my bf travels to another city where his uni lab is located daily to do his research. The reasons we don't want to invest in a car is 1. the stuff that gets blown into the environment if we have one, relative to when we use public transportation 2. we want to invest in other things, and have money in a savings account that we might use for a car if somehow it would be impossible to NOT have a car. So what kind of job or income I have, has little or nothing to do with the fact that cars don't interest me.

 

In addition, the degree of someone's income or the way he chooses to spend it can never be directly translated into ambition. In research, I will always earn less than I would have with the same degree in commercial business. That has little to do with my ambition, my ambition is to make most out of my capacity, and I am happy that I can provide for a decent living and be financially independent by the job that fits that ambition. That can be the same to firemen, nurses, teachers, people who work in projects for third-world countries, musicians, artists. And also for people who become doctors, I think a good doctor's ambition is driven by the calling to help people with health problems, not by the car they will be able to drive if they have that job. The same holds for lawyers, etc. Of course making money can also be PART of your goal, and I am not judging that. I am only stating that for me, if I am looking for a partner, it doesn't mean anything to me.

 

Ilse

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ah, I don't think I expressed my intention clearly enough. I know in academia, the pay is pretty bad, but those are the jobs you need the most ambition for. I know in my field, the people with the greatest ambition go for professorship jobs, which are extremely difficult to come by, very difficult, the hours are long, and the pay is not great until you are very well established. the "less" ambitious may get jobs at a company after graduation and make 3 times more money than their academic counterparts.

 

I was just trying to point out that students/academic researchers/teachers/social workers.... I don't think it's seen as much of a negative if you don't have a car, in general. I don't have or want a car either, but I know that I still get some questions here as a result!!!

 

my friend was complaining that her dad (a real estate agent) does not have a nice car, and in that line of work, it is a necessity, because you are driving people to and from houses, you spend a lot of time in the car, and the agent needs to project an image of sucess and reliablity.

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Certain professions require a certain investment in personal items... be they vehicles, clothes, hair care... the list goes on. I just say that it is spending within means that counts. And, not basing a relationship on what someone does have, or does not have to offer of the material kind... but rather, what of what they do have to offer, do they offer freely... with no strings attached.

 

I think that is a big problem. Some people of means will offer material items with the expectation that it makes up for all their other lacking attributes. People who fall into that trap can become quickly disillusioned.

 

I do believe there is something to be said for both ambition *and* appropriately focusing that ambition. I don't care to date someone who is the most ambitious and successful macaroni noodle stacker. But, hey, that's just me and if I *were* looking for that... then so much the better.

 

Success comes in many different flavors. I think at least some form of ambition drives them all.

 

I don't think people should be judged harshly for being able to offer more.. nor should they be judged for not being able to. In the end, I feel it is the intention behind the gift that matters... whether that gift is an expensive holiday or a cup of coffee bought with a gift card.

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