Wonderland

[shes2smart]

An Interesting Observation

 

This one was made by my husband. He was commenting on what he's seen me go through since I was asked to leave my last job and choosing to leave the business entirely and he said, "If you changed a few things, it'd be similar to seeing someone leave an abusive relationship."

 

I've been mulling that over the last few days, and by God, the boy has a valid point.

[shes2smart]

It's Friday Night....

 

...and they're all off raiding in Warcrack, but I can't go because my elbows won't hold out because of the tendonitis I've developed doing my new job. Because I am juggling 2 part-time jobs, I just realized that my last day off was June 8, and I will not get another day off until June 22...and I still will make somewhere between 1/2 and 2/3 of what I was making before. And I don't want to get into the politics of household chores beyond saying I'm working 6 and 7 days a week....and my spouse is working 4 days a week.

 

Right now, I just want my old life back. That's not going to happen. And right now, I hate it. I hate that my elbows hurt. I hate that my back and shoulders hurt. I hate that I can't play Warcrack because I don't want to damage my elbows more. And I hate that I can't write as much as I want (and perhaps need) to because my elbows hurt.

 

It may be like getting out of an abusive relationship, but right now....I'd go back in a heartbeat.

[shes2smart]

This Is Probably A Repeat...

 

...but it's where I am right now.

 

 

 

Yup. Turning one's rock to sand pretty much sums up the last couple months. That one last boulder I was standing on and/or leaning against, depending on how one looks at it...that boulder called 'Warcrack'....that's crumbled now, too.

 

I'd eat, but last night I came to the realization that there is no food that would make me feel any better or take this away. The only way out is through.

 

I went to yoga this morning, and that actually made me feel worse. The realization that my elbows are screwed up enough that doing certain basic poses is out of the question because it puts too much pressure and strain on joints and tendons that are already angry with me. So, the stretching I was looking at to help me ended up making things hurt more....even making adaptations.

 

I probably shouldn't even be typing this much right now, but dammit...this needs to get dumped off somewhere. I can't have it all rolling around in my head all day...I just can't.

 

Things weren't always like this...and they aren't always going to be like this...because the only constant is change......

[shes2smart]

Darn Brain Chemistry

 

I guess I should consider myself lucky, given my brain chemistry, that it has taken this long for there to be an outbreak of Depression symptoms. Not bad enough to be medicated (yet), but bad enough to be obvious/problematic/make things difficult. Enough to be painful.

 

But I guess that's what's happens when you take The Greatest Distraction Ever away from a person. They're left to ruminate over what there is...because they can't distract themselves managing all the aspects of their second life as a Night Elf Druid/Draenei Hunter. Too much distraction/numbing out isn't good. I'll be the first to say that. At the same time, though, having NO distraction isn't good either. Over the last week, I have tried other things -- reading, watching Food Network, exercising...and nothing gives me the mental vacation from my situation like Warcrack.

 

So I'm not only stuck on the outside looking in with my former industry and former career/former dream job...I'm stuck on the outside looking in as my husband and other guild members go raiding and whatnot without me. I'm like the homeless person on Christmas eve...wandering the streets and peering into the windows of the houses, but I don't really belong anywhere. Welcome to transition, baby. It sucks.

 

It's transition. It's not your destination. You are just passing through. But it still sucks, even knowing that.

 

Yesterday, I spent most of the day lying in bed. Not awake, not asleep, sometimes crying, sometimes not. Then I had to get myself together and go do the up-tempo, happy, crankin' Saturday night show where I work part time. Woo-hoo. It was an audition of sorts, I guess....since the person who was doing the Saturday night show left last month. And, from the feedback I've gotten, I sounded "great." I do not really want to work Saturday nights. I was on the schedule for Saturday night, so I worked. It doesn't really cross my mind to complain about it. I had/have no legitimate reason to tell them I won't work Saturday night. But I digress. For all the world it sounded like I was having a GREAT time last night. I wasn't. I was miserable. MIS-ER-A-BLE. But no one could hear that. And that makes me even more miserable. There are a couple other people who WANT the Saturday night shift. I didn't put any effort into it (I couldn't...I just didn't have it in me to do so)...and given the feedback I'm hearing, I can tell you what's likely to happen. I will have leapfrogged past the other candidates and landed right into some political BS because of it.

 

I don't want political BS. Heck, if it wasn't for the fact I kinda need the money and the studio access for freelance, I don't know that I'd still want to do this what with my "on the outside looking in" mindset. Coming in on the weekend and doing a show or two only exacerbates that. In much the same way that I find myself avoiding listenting to the radio as much as possible. It'd be too easy to get sucked in again.

 

Much like the break-up from the abusive relationship...there comes a point in transition where the future still looks uncertain and scary and the present is a big mess of pain and confusion and the newly-behind-us abusive relationship is screwed up...but it's a FAMILIAR screwed up. And we minimize the things we didn't like about it, and romanticize the things we did like.

 

I bought an elbow brace. I would've bought two, but the store I was at only had one on the shelf. I can't tell if it's helping or just keeping the top of my forearm warm. I will probably end up buying a detachable ergonomic keyboard tray to put on the desk they have me working at at my new job. If they don't like it, tough. I'm not asking them to buy it for me.

 

I think it's insane that there are people who put So Much Effort into doing a radio show and still sound awkward, out-of-place, stiff or just plain old bad....and I can walk in here, do what little show prep I do on the fly at the last minute and sound like I do. I don't remember when it was first brought to my attention that there are people who have to Really, Really Try to do what I do/did. And it's not due to the fact that I've had 25+ years experience doing this -- it's been like this for me all along. From college radio forward. And that's why I can be in ass-deep in a depressive outbreak and still do the uptempo, happy, upbeat, crankin' Saturday night show and not bring everybody down. It feels psycho as all hell.

[shes2smart]

Just Visiting

 

One of the station's advertisers specifically requested me to voice a spot. Since they were paying, I went to the station yesterday to do the read. Was there for about an hour and chatted with a few people during that time. Every person I talked to was complaining about something work-related. They were all complaining about different things.

 

Is that just in line with what my therapist told me a long time ago ("Some people just like to {complain}")? Or is it an indication that it's not a good place to work right now? Even when presented with someone (like me) who is under-employed and admittedly facing some financial challenges, they still persist in complaining as if their situation was worse.

 

A long, long time ago I was having lunch with a friend of mine who had worked in restaurants as a waitress for a number of years. She had worked at inexpensive diner-type places and also worked at an expensive, upscale steak house place. As we were finishing up our meal, she looked around and said, "This would be a bad place to work." I asked why she said that. During the course of our visit, she'd been eavesdropping on snippets of conversation amongst the waitstaff while they were walking around doing their jobs.

 

"They're all b****ing about stuff here. If the entire waitstaff is b****y, it's probably not a good restaurant to work at," she said. Then she went on to give examples from her own work history in several restaurants and the work history of some of her co-workers from several different restaurants.

 

Essentially, I noticed the same thing at the station yesterday. The "waitstaff" was uniformly b****y. Was it always like that or is it a new development? When I was in the midst of it, was it like that and I just kept myself insulated/away from it? Am I just noticing it now because I want to see it that way? At any rate, after I did what I needed to do, and saw/spoke to who I needed to see, I was fairly happy to be outta there and on my way.

 

One of the people I spoke to was my boss on the station I'm working for on the weekend. As predicted, even in my Having A Depressive Episode state Saturday, I still kicked major ass. He tried to talk me into doing the Saturday night show every week, but I really don't want to. Apparently I nailed what he was looking for. Talent or dumb luck? Dunno. Doesn't really matter, either. I'm just trying to keep both employers somewhat happy and not burn myself out in the process.

 

Double bonus on my visit yesterday -- the one person who's there and who really irks me was nowhere to be seen. So I didn't have to play nice and be sociable with someone I'd just as soon not have anything to do with. That's always a plus.

 

Speaking of plusses....got my first paycheck from the new job. No, it's not as much as I'm accustomed to, but it is something. And it's not the pity money from the State ("unemployment"), it's money I was paid because I Did Something.

 

Between the various stretches/exercises and the elbow brace, I can get through my shift without my elbows screaming at me. Oh, there's still some pangs and they don't feel problem-free, but they're not screaming anymore. Improvement or a new level of damage? Dunno. That they're not feeling like they're on fire anymore is enough.

 

I think I'm gonna go back to bed for a little while. Why? Because I can.

[shes2smart]

.....And The Voice Said....

 

So, I'm doing my cardio and weight thing at the gym, listening to the Spamalot soundtrack on my ipod. Not consciously thinking about anything in particular, and the voice said:

 

"You don't miss what it is....you miss what it used to be."

 

After seeing it from the outside again yesterday, yes, that's true. Even if I was still there, I'd still miss what it used to be. What it used to be doesn't exist anymore (did it ever? I mean, the way I remember it -- did that really ever exist?).

 

It's like missing an idyllic childhood that might've never really happened the way it is recalled. Smoke and mirrors and nothing.

 

Is there anything more painful and inconsolable than missing one's illusions?

[shes2smart]

It's A Different World

 

The new place where I work is open Monday through Saturday. Originally, I was scheduled to work all 6 days this week. Between that and having to work last Sunday at the radio station I was looking at 13 days straight of one job or the other or (on one day) both.

 

Earlier this week, my new boss was staring at our department's calendar and he says, "Oh, crap...I have you working 6 days this week! I'm sorry. I didn't see that until now. I need you on Saturday, so why don't you take Friday off?" In this world, they don't believe in working 6 days a week. He apologised for scheduling me 6 days and told me if it happened again I should say something. In radio world, 6 day weeks are standard, it didn't cross my mind to say something. I told him that. He seemed...puzzled (?)...by that concept.

 

This guy is about the same age I am. He's been working at this place for about 10 years. The idea of a workplace routinely expecting 6 day work weeks out of their (non-managerial) employees is foreign to him. I wonder if I can be like that some day. You know, some day when radio land is just a memory from my youth and falls under the category of, "walking 10 miles to school in the snow, uphill...both ways!!!"

 

Saw my counselor yesterday. She says, "Do you think you're a bit of an over-achiever?" Well...no not really. I think I tend more towards laziness, actually. But as we talk about more things in detail, and as I have seen details of other peoples' finances, I start to wonder if she is right. Part of my job is taking the online credit applications and routing them to the proper location's credit department/business office. I don't really pay much attention to people's details. Mostly because I don't care, partly because it's none of my damn business anyway. But I still see some details. And I do hear back as to whether applications were approved or not.

 

I'm not nearly as bad off as I sometimes think I am. I have some out-of-whack expectations that need to be adjusted to fit reality. They probably needed some adjustment before I got downsized, but I was meeting enough of them that it didn't really bother me/freak me out. Now, what with the glaring disparity between my expectations and reality, it's becoming clear that they need adjustment.

 

So, I have a day off and what am I doing? Working my ass off doing stuff around the house that's not getting done during the week. Y'know, there is no point in getting started on the division of household labor here. It will just irritate me and it won't get anything done anyway. If I knew 2.5-3 years ago what I know now -- I mean just in terms of the amount of work a house & yard take and how little help I'd really be getting, not about anything else -- I don't know if I would've bought the house.

 

But that's all I'm saying...I don't want to irritate myself anymore than I already am. There's shrubbery to be trimmed, a garden to be weeded, bathrooms to be cleaned, a kitchen that's a disaster, and floors to be swept. It's not going to get done with me sitting on my ass typing.

[shes2smart]

Lowered Expectations

 

Been thinking more about what my counselor and I were talking about the other day. I am not the typical client who stumbles into this agency....other than being female. Their focus is helping women who have been out of the job market for a while get jobs. The reasons for being out of the job market are things like mental/emotional issues, drug/addiction issues, divorce or break-up of a relationship where she was a homemaker, stay-at-home moms who need to go back to work by choice or necessity...oh, and women who are making a career transition, too.

 

Anyway, my counselor was saying that I was so far ahead of so many of the women she sees -- that I am setting goals and making progress, even if I don't think so. That the plans I have (freelance work, part-time work) are realistic and attainable for me and that I am going about making them happen, even if it's not going as quickly as I think it should. That even though I have some emotional crap I'm working through, I'm not letting it paralyze me. It's these expectations I have that trip me up...and the wounded ego I still find myself nursing at times.

 

I have 2 jobs. One has the potential to generate enough income to cover my bills without me having to dip into savings. The other gives me access to professional recording studios until I can get my home studio up and running. (Which should happen this week...) Between the number of hours and timing of those hours, I will still have weekday/workday time to start shopping around for and doing freelance voice work when my facility is ready to go. And I still have over $3000 in regular savings (not my investment account, not my retirement money). I have health & dental insurance through my husband's employer.

 

I'm in a better place than a lot of people. I just don't see it all the time because of the chronic worrying and fear. And where does that come from? Hmmmm...I wonder.

 

It's my belief that we come into this world, this physical plane, to learn certain lessons that we choose before we enter. Once we're here, we are presented with these lessons we chose...only we have no conscious memory of choosing them. So, when they come around, we can choose to avoid them or plunge into them. And, sure enough, just when you think you've learned them and gotten them figured out, you are presented with some set of circumstances that gives you a more indepth, complex and deeper version of the same lesson.

 

Had you asked me a year ago, I would've confidently stated that fear wasn't an issue anymore. I would've confidently stated that I'd dealt with my fears about money and income and security and so forth. And, yes, I had -- to a certain degree. To a certain degree and well enough that the Universe in its wisdom decided I was ready for the next level of those lessons. And, so, here we are.

 

Do you know what growing up with a parent who is afraid of everything will do to a person? You're reading it right here. I haven't lived under my parents' roof for over 20 years now, and I havent spoken to them for about half of that time, but sometimes they still take up residence in my head....rent free, dammit. I don't know when they snuck in this time, with their constant litany of, "it's not good enough" and "it's not enough" and "the sky is falling" and everything else, but I do know that they need to be evicted (again....).

 

It is good enough, it is enough, and the sky is not falling. And I will be fine. Divinely guided, divinely guarded...one of God's favorites as I always have been.

[shes2smart]

I Has A Studio

 

Engineer friend came over last night, hooked all the pieces together....and this time, they worked. The room doesn't sound too bad, either. Step one, accomplished. Well, step one for this particular project.

 

Next step: getting the spare bedroom to sound like a studio with the use of acoustic foam and the mic processor. We played with it a little last night, and it sounds pretty good already...it's more fine-tuning than anything else at this point.

 

One of the things my counselor and I were talking about in the last session was a bit of a comparision between what I'm doing and what other unemployed/underemployed people she's worked with do. I was telling her that I took a couple civil service exams a few weeks ago, and when the state worker was checking us in for the first test, I noticed there were 10 or 12 people on the list who were supposed to be there at that time.

 

There were only 4 of us. Of the 4, only 2 of us passed the keyboarding skill test and were eligible to move on to the written test. The keyboarding skill test requried typing a minimum of 40 words per minute. I typed 59 wpm. Still, I found it surprising there were that many no-shows. I guess they might've re-scheduled or something, but my counselor was just nodding and smiling in recognition. She says that turn out rate isn't unusual. She says she sees so many people who, for whatever reason, just cannot get it together enough to show up for things like civil service exams, or pre-employment drug screens, or their shift if they manage to get hired. I don't get that. Not show up? Huh?

 

But I guess it's more common than I think. I find it hard to wrap my mind around the concept of not caring enough to actively find work, and then do what one needs to do to keep a job. I find it hard to comprehend people who are unemployed and spend a couple months not looking and not doing much of anything but collecting unemployment. I mean, how do you find having next to no income acceptable? I can understand it if a person's a seasonal worker and they know they're going to get called back in a couple months or something like that. But that certainly doesn't describe a lot of people collecting unemployment.

 

That's when my counselor started suggesting (again) that I might be a bit of an over-achiever with some occaisionally unreasonably lofty expectations. The first time she brought it up was when I was explaining the, "Why give 100% when everyone seems to be happy with 75% or 50% effort?" attitude I adoped after The Great Crash Of 2003.

 

In the, "Oh, no I'm not bitter" department: I had to chuckle at the e-mails I've been seeing at my e-mail account at the radio station. They eliminated my position and several others. Now I see these e-mails from upper management BEGGING for volunteers to help staff various events because they're short-handed. Even with the mass of interns. These pleas for help have been sent out every week for about a month now (since the station promotional event season really started). I had to laugh as I thought to myself, "Yeah...a few months ago you decided you didn't need us and we were useless to you....and now, you have no one to work events. Wonder if there's some sort of connection between those two things. Hmmmmm." It's small, and mean and petty, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't deriving some bizarre sense of satisfaction from it.

 

So, progress is being made (just like my counselor was pointing out to me at the last session). I am working toward that goal of doing enough freelance that I won't have to have a job unless I want one. And then it occurred to me last night...it's just a few letters difference between "freelance" and "freedom"....and in a sense, I am working toward "freedom" in this project, too.

 

In the meantime, I'm reasonably content with the two jobs I have. Moreso, I think, than I was with the full-time radio gig, especially toward the end. I have only come to see this in hindsight as I notice very small, subtle things -- like how I don't miss getting up in the morning to go to work (both jobs have me working later in the day and into the evening 95% of the time), and how I don't have the "Oh, crap, I have to go to work...." attitude just prior to having to leave, and (knock wood) I haven't had a headache in weeks. Toward the end of the full-time radio gig, the headaches were getting to be more and more frequent. But I still get a chuckle out of the begging for help e-mails. Sorry, can't help you. You won't pay me for helping, and besides, I have to be at my other job at that time, anyway.

[shes2smart]

Things I Like About The Now-Month-Old Job

 

>The vast majority of the time, there is something that needs to be done. No sitting watching the clock c-r-a-w-l.

 

>My boss is pretty lienient about what he'll let me claim for bonus money. I check stuff with him before I put it on my list, but he says yes most of the time. As of this afternoon I had $185 in bonus for the month, still have 3 more days of potential appointments, and have only been scheduling appointments for, like, 2 weeks.

 

>It's all starting to make sense, and that's cool.

 

>I don't "take it with me" when I leave. When quitting time comes, I shut off my computer, empty my water glass, punch out, and don't give any of it a second thought until my next shift starts.

 

>My only other co-worker (other than my boss) is an even bigger smart ass than I am, gets my sense of humor, and thinks I am, "a hoot."

 

>I found out the other part-timer (who never works at the same time I do since we share a computer) is only doing basic data entry and some appointment setting. I am being given more responsibility, which is fine and may bode well for the future when her summer break is up and she goes back to school.

 

Until I had a job where they actually have a lot of stuff that needs to get done on a daily basis, I had no idea how bored I was doing my old job. Most days, I really spent a stupid amount of time posting here and dinking around online. Even now when I go in to do my weekend shift at the radio station, after about 2 hours, I'm wandering around thinking time is crawling and there's nothing to do.

 

Working out the fine tuning of the sound for my studio. I make a few adjustments, record a file, e-mail it to Mr. Good Hair, he listens to it, makes suggestions, and I go make more adjustments and the process starts over. We are getting there. I have to get a shoji screen to build a little 5 sided, audio-foamed cube around the mic. Using the shoji screen as the frame is just the convenient, multi-purpose, quick & dirty way to get it done. I ran the idea past Mr. Good Hair and am waiting to hear what he thinks.

 

And so finishes my 4th week at the new job...and 2 and a half months out of radio. The vast majority of the time, I don't miss it...and I don't particularly miss doing a show/being on the air. I know at one time, I LOVED that, loved the business, loved doing that. At one time, many years ago, I was yanked off the air and made to write copy full time by a manager who was trying to get me to quit. Full time copy writing lasted for 2 months...until that manager was fired and I was put back on the air literally seconds after his departure. But during that 2 months, I was miserable and I missed it horribly. But I don't this time.

 

Somewhere between 1989/90 (when that full time copy writing thing happened) and now, something....more likley a lot of 'somethings' changed. People around me saw it before I did...but I think it's true. I was ready to leave. I had been for a while. I just didn't have enough backbone/motivation/whatever to actually get of my ass and leave on my own. That would explain the weird sense of relief I had when I was asked to leave. "Oh, good, the decision's been made for me. My only job now is to deal with it, not make it."

 

Yeah, I'm in a much better place than I was a month or more ago. It's not a great place (financially) but it's also not a permanent place, either...

[shes2smart]

One Other Thing I Just Thought Of

 

I will probably never be asked to take work home for the now-one-month-old job. Because of the nature of it, the work has to be performed at the office. I cannot even begin to count how many times and how many hours I was doing music logs at home or otherwise bringing station crap home to do.

 

Nope. With the now-one-month-old job, if I'm doing work, I'm at work, and if I'm at work, I'm punched in, and if I'm punched in, I'm getting paid....not much...but I am getting paid.

[shes2smart]

And I Was Doing So Well

 

Sunday night I went to bed and was jolted awake about 2 hours later with a gallbladder attack. It went on for about 4 hours, the first 2 hours being the worst then it slowly subsided the last 2. With the new job, I don't go in until mid-afternoon, so I was able to get some rest through the daylight morning hours. Didn't feel as dragged out/hung over because of that.

 

With all the other crap that's been going on in my life the last couple months, I probably haven't been quite as vigilent about what I'm eating as I should be/need to be. Still, though, I went nearly a year (8 months) without an attack. If the new job goes to full time, I can get the surgery. At the new employee meeting, they were going over the benefits package and part of the reason they chose the health plan they did was that it doesn't have a preexisting condition stipulation. It's a high deductible plan, but after you pay the deductible, everything is covered 100%. They actually have a pretty good health plan -- if you elect the employee-only coverage. Get into spousal/family coverage and it starts getting pricey.

 

Got my shoji screen for my studio on ebay for, like, $65 (including shipping). When it gets here, I can start making the little foam-padded box to go around the mic. Mr. Good Hair and I are still dinking around with processor settings. It's time-consuming doing it via email, but he's a good 250 miles away.

 

Oh my God, it's July. Day after tomorrow, I will have been married for 6 years. Once we get past September, this becomes the longest-running relationship I've been part of. We still like each other and we still want to be here. Given my other relationship experiences, that amazes me.

[shes2smart]

When I was at the gym last, I was listening to Queen's "Made In Heaven" album during my cardio. (background info here: because I'm too lazy to go into it). As has been the case for most of my life, there's always some bit of something this band recorded that absolutely nails whatever's going on with me. It's a highly personal relationship I have with this band's music for the last...oh...32 years or so.

 

The other day, VH1 was showing the Nelson Mandela birthday concert edited highlights. Happened to tune in just before they had a segment talking to Brian May. So I watched that. Then I went and took a shower and made some lunch. When I returned to the living room, I had no sooner sat down to have my lunch than they were showing the bit where Queen + Paul Rogers went on stage. That's how it's been with me and this band. They've always been there. In the weird Universal inter-connections between all people and all things, there's some bizarre direct line between me & them.

 

So that I'm "bumping into" them on TV, and finding myself wanting to listen to their music a lot is a tip off that I'm processing some Major Crap right now. Another tip off: the tote bag. For the last couple weeks I have been shopping for (and finally found) a canvas tote bag. When I finally found one that was "right" and I liked, I went to buy it. It is cornflower blue and white canvas. I rang it up at the U-Scan and it was $12. Tag price was $20 and they were on sale for 30% off. I'm not a math wiz, so it didn't occur to me until later that I actually got it for 40% off. It kinda plays into my thought that it was truly the right tote bag.

 

What is the tote bag for and why is it a Big Deal?

 

It's got all my work crap in it. It's got my travel-size bottle of hand lotion, and a small bottle of ibuprofen, and one blister pack of allergy meds, and tampons, and a fork and spoon, and blistik...and all the other little crap I kept in my cabinet at the station. I cleared all that stuff out and carry it with me to both jobs now. Since our department (at the new job) is moving in a couple of weeks, I don't really have my own desk or anything so no place to keep this stuff there. Didn't make sense to keep it at the station since I'm only there once or twice a week at most. So the Tote Bag Search began. After the Great Crash of 2003, I refused to carry anything even vaguely resembling a briefcase anymore. So, tote bag it is.

 

This probably sounds really small and insignificant and "so what?" to anyone outside my head, but the whole tote bag thing feels like a Big Deal to me. Removing all but my headphones and a pen from my cabinet at the station...it is tangible, physical evidence of all the changes that have gone on in the last few months of my life. I also cleaned up a lot of stuff on my computer log-in at the station: liner copy files? Don't need those. Delete. Work parts for station promos? Nope, not doing those any more, either. Delete. Yes, I'm sure. Delete.

 

And it's not traumatic or depressing or triggering much of anything negative. But it is some mile marker...these clean-up tasks I've found myself doing since I got the tote bag.

 

So, this is the way things are now...in disarray. Freddie and the boys just nailed it for me again....like they always have.

[shes2smart]

WWDSS?

 

What Would link removed Say?

 

I heard the original broadcast of The Santaland Diaries on NPR back in 1992 and thought it was hysterical. In need of something funny, I started poking around the library's online catalog a few weeks ago and started getting his books. Now, in the back of my head, as I navigate this....odd and slightly annoying time in my life, I imagine David Sedaris narrating it. It somehow makes me feel better to reduce my entire life down to some exaggerated-for-dramatic/comic-effect version of itself. This pretending I'm some character in a David Sedaris story...it prevents me from getting too maudlin.

 

I got paid from both jobs this week. Enough to pay the bills that are due by mid-month, plus enough left over for groceries. This is an accomplishment. I have 3 more checks this month -- one regular paycheck from each job plus the monthly bonus check from the new job. Oh, and a freelance thing I did a few weeks ago, I might get that money soon too. And I'm supposed to be getting refunded on some medical bills from my first gallbladder attack. I got tired of the short-term insurance dragging their feet on processing the claim, and the ER doc and Radiology bills weren't huge, and I was still working full time and had no idea that ride was coming to an end...so I went ahead and paid both of them in full because I got tired of getting bills every month and having to call and say, "My crappy insurance company is still investigating the claim, you shouldn't be billing me yet." And while the crappy insurance did not pay anything on those claims, the providers I saw were contract providers and could only charge me the contracted amount for their services -- which was considerably less than the price for someone with no insurance.

 

Y'know, I don't get that. If you don't have insurance, it's also likely that you're not exactly wealthy, either. So docs & hospitals charge you more for their services than if you had insurance. We were on the crappy short-term insurance when it was time for my annual with the gyno last year. The pre-insurance bill from the lab for my pap smear a squeak over $100. Because the lab is a contracted provider with the insurance company, they could only charge me $29. Now, the insurance didn't pay the lab anything. But if I didn't have it, I'd be expected to pay $100 for the same procedure. Let's charge people who less likely to be able to afford it MORE for something than people who are more likely to be able to afford it! Yeah, it makes PERFECT sense.

 

In the, "What The Hell Are You Thinking?!" department: The other night, my husband tells me one of his employer's main competitors is opening a location in the same neighborhood as his work location. Word is out they are paying $1 an hour more for positions similar to what he has. I have reached the end of my patience for his Bad Financial Moves, and I don't even bother being tactful. "You're not seriously considering jumping over there for $1 an hour? Because if you do -- we lose health insurance for however long their waiting period is, you lose your seniority, and didn't you just apply for a promotion where you're at right now? We do not have ANY other options for helath insurance right now and we cannot afford to buy a short term policy to cover the gap this time. What the hell are you thinking?"

 

This is the same person who, through his current employer, is eligible to get free satellite TV as a benefit. He's been eligible for it for 6 or more months now. Yet he hasn't called our current cable and internet provider to see how much getting just internet would cost. He'll disrupt a lot of other things for a $1 an hour increase, but won't take 10 minutes to find out dropping cable TV and just getting cable internet will cut that bill by $60 a month. After 5 months of waiting for him to make the call, I got tired of waiting and called them earlier this week. Wrote all the info down and left it on the kitchen table. His comment, "Oh, yeah...I've been meaning to that. $60 less a month, really?"

 

Sigh. S-I-G-H!!!!!!!!

 

Last year was the year I bit my tongue and let him make stupid financial moves (leaving the bank, buying the new car....), but I can no longer afford to do that, so this year, I will speak up and if it turns into a fight, then it turns into a fight, but he's got to stop screwing us over like this. Fortunately, by letting him make those mistakes last year (and end up paying for them in lots of ways over the course of the last year), he's finally willing to listen to my input. When I got done telling him why this is not a good time for him to be switching jobs for a $1 an hour raise, he actually said, "I was kinda thinking about that too...it's not a good idea."

 

Yeah, the vehicle he HAD TO have last year basically doubled his car payment and it takes more gas (at $4 a gallon) than his previous car, too. So he has lived to regret that decision and he has 4 more years to pay for it. At the time, there was no talking him out of it...and I tried...but when I realized he'd already made up his mind and dug his heels in, there wasn't any point in arguing. So, now, in hindsight, he looks back and says, "That was dumb. What was I thinking? I should've listened to you."

 

Maybe now he actually will.

[shes2smart]

Wife Says, "It's Never Been A Dull Moment Since I Married Him."

 

link removed

 

What possesses people to think of doing stuff like that? What is it that motivates them to go from idea to action for something like that?

 

I've had a few dreams in my life -- working in radio, owning a race horse -- but they seem tame, pedestrian and downright boring compared to tying helium balloons to a lawn chair and going for a ride. Right now my dreams fall along the lines of "earn enough money to make next month's house payment." So someone with a goal of flying accross state lines in a lawn chair seems....not-too-grounded-in-reality to me right now.

 

There's a question that's crossed my mind a lot lately, and I don't have an answer to it. It's this: In a year/two years from now, what does my life look like? I don't know. For some reason, I have it in my head that I have to start figuring that out. The image I see is me checking my email, having a bunch of scripts being emailed to me, then going into my studio and recording them and emailing the sound files out. That's the image that comes to mind. I see the email inbox being stupid-full.

 

("If you can conceive it and believe it you can achieve it," whispers in my head.)

 

And then I read about a guy who goes flying in a lawn chair. And my full-of-scripts-to-read-and-get-paid-for-reading-them dream seems...I dunno...kinda puny.

[shes2smart]

Two More Hours....

 

...and this stupid-long day will be over and I can finally go home. I worked at the new job for 6 hours (morning into mid-afternoon) earlier....then had to go do my 5 hour, once a week show tonight. I have 2 more hours to go before that's over.

 

I've also been having an off-and-on headache all day. Just enough to be annoying kind of headache. Enough to be obvious, not enough to justify taking a Zomig. It's actually just gone into a "going away now" phase, but I don't trust it. It's come and gone a few times today.

 

I hate this "working both jobs for a total of 11 hours in one day crap", but don't have much choice in the matter just now. I will have to do it again next Saturday, too. I had yesterday off and I will have tomorrow off. I guess that's the only thing that makes the 11 hour/both jobs Saturday not that big a pain in the butt.

 

Monday, the new job moves. I was told when I got hired that my department would be moving to one of the other locations where there's more room. It's kinda too bad because I've just started to get to know people at the location I've been at for 6 weeks. Now I have to start all over with new finance people and new sales managers. Ugh. But, I get my own desk and computer and my boss is getting me an adjustable keyboard tray so I have some hope of allievating the tendonitis in my elbows. The other downside is the new location is farther away from my house, so a longer commute. Since I work non-standard hours, rush hour traffic isn't an issue, though.

 

I'm almost getting used to the uncertainty...almost. I could almost get comfortable about the new job. I figured I'd have to buy that keyboard tray myself once we got moved. I didn't have a problem with that. I figured I'd just go get what I wanted and take care of it. I've worked in an industry where the employer frankly didn't care and wouldn't spend the money. My new boss asked what was up when I started coming to work with the elbow brace in week 3 or so. I explained what was happening and I said since we were moving, there was no point in doing anything until we moved since we were getting all new desks and stuff.

 

So, he's packing stuff up and organizing the move the other day, and HE brings up my keyboard tray. He says he's going to go shopping for it over the weekend and will install it at the new location on Monday. What? Huh? I was surprised he remembered, let alone was going to DO something about it. I think about all the freakin' years I've had to get my own office supplies or stuff to do my job because whatever radio employer I had wouldn't buy stuff claiming it wasn't in the budget....and this is just so foreign to me. Kinda like the 5 day work week and mandatory breaks thing.

 

The further removed I get from it, the more radio really is looking like an abusive relationship. Just all these little things that I got used to -- I didn't know any better, I thought it was normal, I thought it was worse other places.... I can see how my husband came up with the analogy of watching me leave the business has been kinda like watching someone leave an abusive relationship.

 

Eariler this week, I was re-reading some of my journal posts from earlier this year and recalling the series of events that came before I got downsized. When you meet people, you can never tell how things will go. You can't tell if that newly-met person will be a long-term or short-term part of your life, if they'll end up being so much more than they originally appeared to be or if they'll end up being so much less or if they'll end up betraying you in some way.

 

I've been fortunate to have a couple people in my life who fit into the "they turned out to be so much more than I ever could have anticipated" category. My friend R for starters...my ex-college bf for another....Mr. Good Hair is another prime example, too. I have also encountered people who I never expected would sell me down the river do just that...my father for one, and a couple people who were former work supervisors. And maybe I take the 2 work-related ones harder than I might because it just taps into all those issues I have about my father leaving me out to dry so he could save his own ass.

 

Basically, some old s*** was stirred up as I re-read events from earlier this year and it stinks.

 

I still see the current "sell me out to save your own ass" person once in a while and I have to play nice. There's really no point in my being nasty/rude to them. I'm sure in their mind, they are blameless...or justify it by saying, "nothing personal, it's just business." But I remember when I first met this person. And if you would've told me then how things would play out and end up, I don't know that I would've believed it. Those are the kinds of betrayals that cut the deepest. But in a way, it's my own fault, too. I put on blinders when this person's shortcomings started showing. I pulled a Scarlett O'Hara -- "I'll think about it tomorrow" -- because I didn't want to irritate myself thinking about the things I was noticing.

 

So, with a new job and an influx of new people, I have to wonder who will become a friend, and who I will regret befriending in a few years. I don't believe I always looked at it in this way. And that's kinda sad, isn't it? That I feel I have to be on guard and that guarded.

[shes2smart]

"You Married A Psycho,"

 

I said to my husband last night after relating to him the panic attack-like symptoms I've started to have this week. If I wasn't already actively managing my dietary habits, exercising on a regular basis, had a recent cholesterol/blood pressure check & physical, I'd be worried. But I have had all those things recently and I'm good there.

 

The last time I had these chest-squeezy, throat-restricted, feeling-of-impending-doom things happening was when I switched jobs 4 years ago. It went on (off and on) for a good 6-12 months into the new job. There's no point in going to a doc because I'm positive I will check out ok. The thing is, I can predict when this crap is going to happen. Basically, I'm fine at home or at the gym....but driving to the new job (I have a longer commute, quickest way is taking the freeway which I hate) it starts, then I get there and it comes and goes until I'm off the freeway exit for home. Yesterday was bad. But within about a half hour of being home, I was fine.

 

So, on top of all my other mental issues, I'm also going to develop a little anxiety problem too. Wonderful. I'm so proud of my psycho self. Perhaps we should just reserve the room with the padded walls at the rest home form me now.

 

I plug along, I think I'm doing ok and then these stupid psychologically inspired physical symptoms start up. I should probably set up another appointment with the counselor at the employment transition agency. Last time we left it at "call for an appointment if you need it, but I think you are doing ok."

 

It's just stupid that this starts up now -- I mean, I have a job...two of them as a matter of fact...and I'm off unemployment....and there are indications that the new job could go full time sooner rather than later....and I'm about 90% of the way to a fully-functional, professional sounding studio. There are so many things that are better than they were this time 2 months ago. But now, I start having these mild panic attacks. Now. Go figure.

 

I have visions of my declining mental health turning me into some over-analyzing, obsessive, depressive, anxiety-ridden agorophobic who can't (by myself) venture outside of circle bounded by the gym, Kroger, Wal-Mart and Meijer with my house as the center point. I gave myself a good talking to as I was driving to work yesterday, "Jesus H. Christ...you've driven to Chicago by yourself, you've driven to Kentucky by yourself, you've traveled accross the country and driven around in unfamiliar cities in rental cars by yourself....and now driving accross your current hometown to go to work is a problem? Get a grip...this is nothing...and you have a cell phone. All those other solo travels you didn't even have a cell phone and it was fine!"

 

Still, I had myself convinced that I was going to keel over from a massive heart attack at my desk last night (after everyone else in my department left for the day) and they wouldn't find me until they were locking up for the night. Or, if they didn't bother to actually go into our office, they might not even see me and they wouldn't find me until the next morning, slumped over my keyboard with about 2 hours worth of work undone.

 

Nothing like that happened. I was fine. I did my work, I punched out at closing time, got in my car and drove home and I was fine. Mental issues + drama queen tendancies = Plenty of reasons to ridicule oneself. GAWD.

 

This is not permanent. This 2 part time jobs that sort of almost cover your bills, this sort of almost finished studio with no voice work, this in-between time....this is not permanent. This is not your destination. There will be some point in the future where you'll talk about the summer of 2008 and say, "Yeah, I worked part time that summer and set up my studio and I had a lot of time to myself and dammit, I wish I would've just relaxed and enjoyed it more...instead of worrying my fool head off about things that never happened anyway."

 

Knock it off, girl...you're getting too damn old to act like some high school drama queen.

[shes2smart]

And Now, An Old Joke From A 12 Step Meeting

 

What's the difference between a normal person and an addict?

 

If a normal person gets in their car and it doesn't start, they go call a tow truck. If an addict gets in their car and it doesn't start, they go call suicide prevention.

 

It's probably only funny if you've lived it and come out the other side to tell the tale, though.

[shes2smart]

Lunching With A Gay Man

 

Since I had the day off, I met up with a friend for lunch. Specifically, the guy who de-radioed my resume. It was a good time, but I got some more glimpses into how this guy's personality is so different from mine. Like, we're almost living in two different worlds different.

 

He and his partner have been very good friends to us, particularly in these last few months, but after I've been around them for a while I feel rather unsophisticated, dowdy and....well...clunky. We all like to cook....but they have the super-expensive All Clad pans and I still have some el-cheapo Farberware set I bought at Meijer or Wal-Mart. They have the Cuisinart slow cooker and coffee maker that pretty much do everything for you and if I had a slow cooker, I'd have the $15 or $20 no-brand one from Wal-Mart and I have the $9 plastic coffee maker.

 

It's not anything these guys are intentionally doing to make me feel...inadequate. The one would most likely be mortified to think he was making one of his friends uncomfortable. It's just who they are. They are the people who buy the $400 lawn mower for their average-sized yard. We are the people who bought the $129 closeout lawn mower ("and can we get another discount because it's the floor model?"). They have the 4 bed/3.5 bath home with the gourmet kitchen in a very trendy, up-and-coming area....we have the 3 bed/1.5 bath late-60's build ranch house in a neighborhood that's seen better days.

 

I feel like the big ol' chipped plate of greasy diner food next to their artfully presented, picture-perfect, elegant Gourmet Magazine-cover plate.

 

I don't want what they have. The amount of money they spend on stuff makes me cringe. Most of the time, I can't see where, say, the $400 lawn mower does anything markedly better than the $129 lawn mower. Their house is nice, but I wouldn't want it (too big, too far away from everything). So it's not a jealousy/envy thing.

 

But, I suspect, he may not completely get me, either. (Like: How can she even stand to work just part time for that kind of money...at that job...it's so beneath her!) Yeah it is. And yeah, I'd like to be making at least a little more than I am, but that's really my only problem with the new job. The work itself is fine. As my husband pointed out to me a while back, I got what I'd been asking for...and what I'd been asking for for the last few years: A job with a minimum amount of BS, where I'd go in, shuffle papers around, do some stuff, and when my time was up, I'd put my crap away, punch out and go home...not taxing, no real thinking required. I have been saying I wanted something along those lines for the past 2 years at least. Well, I got it. And other than the pay, I'm actually fairly happy with it.

 

What's started to (finally?) become apparent to me is how unhappy I had become doing radio over the last year or two....maybe more. Holy jinkies...I read over some of the things I was writing about my former supervisor in the last 6-8 months I was working at the station and it was really clear that I did not want to be answering to that person. He's not my supervisor for the part time gig I still have, since that's on a different station. That's good, because I don't think I could still stand to work for my former supervisor anymore/again. I never would've predicted that when we first met and even for the first couple years I was working for him.

 

I'm really not wild about the station I am currently on. That's something else that has slowly started to dawn on me in the last month or so. I don't really have to like it to do the one shift a week I do...I just have to sound like I like it. And I can do that. But when the time comes that I'm making enough money from other sources that I don't need the $65 a week I make there....I think I'm out. It's weird to think about that time...but I can feel that it's coming.

 

Part of my problem this past week has been having this feeling that I somehow should be doing something more. More than part time, more than clerical work. That I should still be looking for a job.... I don't know where this pressure is coming from, but I do know that I don't want to look for something else in terms of a job. I like where I'm working, I like the work itself. It might morph into full time which will help ease the money situation. And, with the monthly bonuses, it's got more potential than other office jobs with a similar hourly rate. I'm moving ahead with the studio and the freelance stuff. I'm doing the one shift a week at the station to have studio access and to make that extra $65 a week. I have a plan. I'm moving forward with it. I feel pretty good about it....until this nagging/whining/pressure that I should be doing more starts up.

 

I don't know where that's coming from, really...but I don't know that it's coming from the part of me that knows what I really want. What I really want is to have the freelance take off, cut scripts for a few hours a day, get paid well for it and not have to leave the house unless I want to. It's so non-traditional, and sometimes it feels to me as if someone (who?) doesn't approve.

 

Well, I'm not going to get it sorted out tonight, that's for sure. Just another thing for me to keep plugging away at, I guess. In the interim, there's chicken and redskin potatoes to be cooked.....

[shes2smart]

Back To Basics

 

Affirmation work. Affirmative prayer work. Repeat as necessary. Up to thousands of times a day.

 

My financial situation improves every second of every day. Each moment brings in new opportunities and the right people are aligning themselves with me to help. My debt decreases and my net worth increases. I am in the black.

 

I am a financially independent and prosperous being. I am financially independent and free.

 

There is plenty for everyone including me. The Ocean of Life is lavish with its abundance. All my needs and desires are met before I even ask. My good comes from everywhere and everyone and everything.

 

And so it is.

[shes2smart]

Unfocused

 

So today I had to go to the radio station to record a spot for a client. And while I was there, I was spotted by my former supervisor. He went on and on about how much he could really use my help and how he missed all the stuff I used to do. All I could think was, "Shut the hell up. You make it sound like it was MY idea to leave. Well, guess what? It wasn't. Don't be whining to me about it, go whine to the GM or corporate or whatever other parties thought I was unnecessary." Fortunately, the production guy is a good friend and could tell I didn't want the other guy in the studio bugging me. So he chased my former supervisor out so we could work.

 

That really annoyed me, though. Go on and on and on like I left him stranded. Uh, no. Not my idea. Stop acting like it was me who screwed you over, .

 

It's been 2 weeks since we moved to the new location for the new job. The new place has XM piped through the entire building. That means no more having to listen to the station I used to work for...or any other commercial station in this market. That's good. We don't get to pick our own XM channel since it's the same one in the whole building, including the parts of the building customers wander around in. So, XM 25 it is. The Bland...er "The Blend"...but "bland" is a pretty apt description. I guess the saving grace is they have a much wider library than a commercial AC station would. Whoever's programming it must have a thing for Belinda Carlisle, though. I haven't heard a station play this much Belinda Carlisle since...I don't remember when. During a 6 hour shift, I will hear at least one Belinda song and sometimes 2 or 3. Every day. It could be worse, though. It could be Celine Dion.

[shes2smart]

If The Shoe Fits.....

[shes2smart]

Life With No Appendix, Year 1

 

A year ago this weekend, I had my appendix removed. This time last year, I was in the hospital, several hours post-surgery, groggy, drugged, and uncomfortable. I picked the first tomatoes from my garden shortly after I got home from the hospital. Right now, there is a Roma tomato that is probably ripe enough to pick. I haven't been out there in a couple days.

 

I don't seem to have much enthusiasm for the garden this year. I had planted/harvested broccoli earlier, but it's been done for a while. I put in 2 Roma tomato plants, 2 bell pepper plants (one of which got nibbled by some vermin to the point where it died), basil and flat leaf parsley. I am not nearly as fascinated with it as I was last year...and it shows...or maybe Roma tomato plants don't get as big as the variety I grew last year. I don't know if it's my 2 minute attention span kicking in or all the other crap that's been going on the last few months.

 

Still annoyed by my encounter with my former supervisor, who I shall be calling Mr. Martyr from this point forward. I know I should let it go and just be glad I'm not having to be around him/answer to him anymore, but for some reason, I'm finding it stupidly hard to do that.

 

I am also annoyed with the turtle-like progress on the studio project. "Get this" my advisors say, "that should fix (name of sound problem we're trying to solve)." So I get whatever item has been recommended, and it either doesn't fix the problem entirely or it solves that problem, but there's still something else that needs to be addressed. The latest "get this" is another shoji screen to create a more enclosed area in front of my mic. I also have to get a thick piece of carpeting or a throw rug....and probably more audio foam....

 

And I haven't even started with the processing. We're still working on getting the room to be studio-quiet. It's not like I'm paying these folks to build me a studio, so I can't really be tempermental and, "I want this now, dammit!" They're helping me for free, so to some extent, I have to do things on their time table. But it keeps dragging on...which means I still have to keep the part time radio gig to have studio access...which means stupid-long, 2 job Saturdays 50% of the time, and it also means I have to encounter Mr. Martyr more than I really want to.

 

There's also some drama at the new job. I don't like what I'm seeing, but I haven't figured out if it's because I'm seeing it through the filter of 20-some years in radio (a business notorious for screwing over it's employees) or if it's Something I Really Should Be Concerned About. So, as best I can, I am reserving judgement until I've had some time with the restructuring of the department. My boss is of the opinion the restructuring will give me a shot at more bonus money each month. If I can make enough working 30 hours a week with bonuses to get by, I'm good with that...for now. But there's no way to know if the restructuring is going to be beneficial or not until we actually live with it for a few months (?).

 

When I first moved here to work at the radio station, and I had been there for a few months, I got this image in my head that the place was like one of the warrens in link removed. The rabbits came accross this warren during their journey and it seemed wonderful -- plenty of food, nice burrows. But as the story unfolded, they learned the whole place was full of snares so the humans who were putting out the food could trap the rabbits. A bit more background here: link removed. So, yeah, after I'd been at the station for a few months, out of nowhere I started thinking about Cowslip's warren in Watership Down -- everything seemed perfect at first glance, but something just wasn't right. I brought it up when I went to the first career coach back in 2004. Four years later, in hindsight, I can see where (yet again) my psychic twinkle got it right on the first read.

 

So, I guess I'm wondering if some of the thoughts I've had about the new job and the department restructuring in the last 20-some hours are of the same variety as the Cowslip's Warren thought I had about the station 4 years ago. Something that comes out of nowhere and over time proves to be more accurate than can be imagined. Because if that's the case, I have got to start working on (yet another....) back-up plan while I still have time and resources and options.

[shes2smart]

Trusting Employers

 

I'm not capable of it at this point. I don't know that I ever will be again. Even if I was to look for another job, I think I'd be too suspicious of a (potential) employer to believe anything they said.

 

It's not so bad where I am because my husband worked there for a while last year, and even though it didn't work out for him, he has had nothing but good things to say about them -- even as he was leaving there last year. I trust him, so when he says they're basically good folks and treat their employees well, I'm inclined to believe him. I won't have even that little shred of trust going for me if I was to look for/be offered another job somewhere else.

 

I know there's a reason for all of this, and I know I am having a lot of long-held, deeply entrenched ideas about work and such challenged/changed at this point in my life. The old paradigm is limiting me and doesn't fit anymore, but the new one isn't fully formed yet, and I'm somewhere in-between. I'm at that point you see in the remodeling shows on HGTV -- somewhere after the destruction of the old and before the newly remodeled/redecorated stuff exists. It's every bit as messy and chaotic as that, too.

 

I don't want this "transition" (I'm starting to dislike that word about as much as I dislike the word "closure") to take a year or two or more. It's been 3.5 months since I got asked to leave the radio business. I want to be through this part and onto the next thing. I want to be done with this part now. This part has been too sucky and too challenging and too fear-inspiring and too freakin' much....and I have how much longer before it's over and the ground is solid again?

 

The things I've read and the stories I've heard about other people's experiences with getting asked to leave a job and/or doing a career change all seem to point to that 1-2 year time frame. If that's the case, I'm still at the beginning of this little oddysey....and there's still more to come...and no guarantee that any of it will be good, desirable or what I expect. Dammit, I'm not "everyone," there should be some sort of express line for me, for God's sake.

 

I think back to other times in my life where I've squeaked by financially. The odd thing is how I look back at those times in hindsight -- I look back on them fondly. Go figure. That time period when I first broke up with my college bf and moved out on my own for the first time and first came up with the $20 for 2 weeks of groceries game, for example. I learned so much then...stuff that I'm using to get by now, as a matter of fact. I don't know what the point is here, really...just that it's odd to me that I profess to hate scraping by like this, but in hindsight, I look at those times I was scraping by fondly.

 

I looked back on them so fondly, in fact, that when I started to make more money, I purposely and intentionally set up my finances so that if I looked at my checking account, I'd think I was close to broke most of the time. I stashed the money I saved in accounts that I had to make an effort to even see, let alone access. And, coincidentally enough, that odd little habit has come to save my ass down the road, too. But its roots orginated in emulating the efficiency/frugality I learned when I was just squeaking by.

 

I dunno. On some level, I almost don't want to find any enjoyment in this time because there's so much "wrong" with it. There's so much of it that feels like...settling? Giving up? Resignation? I'm having a hard time explaining it -- it's like there's this pressure to be expecting more from myself than what I'm doing now. On some level, what I'm doing now really feels ok -- working at a part time at a job that is clearly beneath my education and experience level. Not having a "real" job that pays "real" money. Every time I'm confronted with a job that pays "real" money and is something my education/experience should fit, it makes me cringe. I think of how much of my time and life it would suck up and I don't want it. I look around the people I know and what their jobs are like and how much time they take and I just think it's not worth it. You couldn't pay me enough to work those kinds of hours...and for what? So you can have a bigger house than me? So you can have the latest technological gadgets?

 

I was playing around with one of those retirement calculator things, and if I didn't put one more cent into my retirement savings and don't dip into it, I'd still have a nice amount by the time I was 65. Is it "enough?" By some people's standards, I'm sure the answer is no. By my "I really LIKE living frugally and simply" standards...maybe, probably.

 

Apparently, I am not particularly motivated by money...or much by prestige. I guess not a lot of people get that. What am I motivated by? How much time I have to myself. How much time I have that is my own. I don't want to be expected to work 45 and 50 and more hours a week for someone else, to make money for someone else and on someone else's schedule. What's the point? I bust my ass so some corporation or some individual can make money and they throw a small bit my way? Is that all my time and my life is worth?

 

How much longer am I going to be "employable" with that attitude? If I am honest with myself, it really has been simmering for a number of years. It really only came front-burner after the Great Crash of 2003 when it was rudely demonstrated to me that, "No, your employer doesn't give a crap about you, they just want your labor and they want to pay as little as possible for it."

 

Once upon a time, when I was much younger, I thought I had it figured out. I thought I was soooo far ahead of most other people. I was doing my "dream job." I loved what I did. And I thought that made me better than everyone else who wasn't doing what they really wanted to do. I thought that made me better than all those people who liked their jobs well enough, but it wasn't their reason for being or their passion -- it was something agreeable to do but the main reason they were there was the paycheck. Their job supported their life, but it wasn't their life. I felt sorry for people like that at one point...and felt superior to them too. But, now, I wonder if they were really the ones who had it figured out -- not me. I wonder if they were the ones who had it right and had their priorities straight.

 

It has occurred to me over the past few months that I was wrong to ever look down on those folks and think I was better. There's nothing wrong with this...a job one finds agreeable enough, but is mostly just a way to earn enough money to get along in one's life. After everything that's happened, I just can't see my way clear to giving as much to an employer/industry as I have in the past. What compensation would be enough? I don't think there could've been compensation enough to justify all the crap that went on over the time I was having a career and "loving" my job, looking back on it.

 

In some way, we're even, though...the employers and I. They want to pay me as little as possible for my labor....and I want to do as little labor as I possibly can for them (and still be deemed eligible/worthy to get their money). Sounds pretty even up, huh?

[shes2smart]

Can't Beat The Classics...

 

 

 

If I didn't need the money and the studio access, I don't think I'd be motivated to work there anymore at all now. Once I no longer need those things, I'm not sure how much longer I will be inspired to stick around. I'm having a really hard time with the occasional bump-ins with Mr. Martyr and I'm questioning why I should even subject myself to that. If I didn't need the money and the studio access, there would be no good, compelling reason to do so.