Wonderland

[shes2smart]

More Stupid Places To Notice Weight Loss

 

My knees and elbows are more defined/bonier/pointier than they were even 6 months ago.

 

I have to take off my toe rings for yoga classes. They are too loose and move around too much during the class...to the point where they're now likely to completely slip off if I don't remove them myself.

 

It's not the fast, dramatic weight loss sold by various diet programs or medical procedures. It's the slow, steady weight loss brought about by lifestyle changes -- moving more, eating differently, eating less. Altogether, it's nearly 30 pounds over 2 years and 10 months. But the goal was never losing weight....and that, for me, seems to be the key to it.

 

Had someone told me 3 years ago now that I'd be not only exercising 4 to 6 times a week, at peace with it, enjoying it, and actually miss being active if I took more than a day off, I don't know that I would've believed it. If they'd told me that I'd be at pre-marriage weight minus 9 pounds (and still slowly losing), I don't know that I would've believed that, either. If it had been positioned to me "You Have To Do This" 3 years ago, I think I would've been overwhelmed and wondering how the hell I was supposed to accomplish that.

 

But I have. One day, one choice, one decision at a time. Never paused to look at the larger picture until much later in the process.

 

So...what I am looking at now that looks so huge, impossible and massive that I'm just paralyzed with fear on how I'm supposed to do ALL THAT? Hmmmmm....I wonder, what could that thing be?

 

One step at a time. What do I need to do now? Not what do I need to do now, and later, and next week, and before I blow through my retirement savings. What do I need to do right now, today, in this moment? That's all. If I look at more than that, I will go tharn. ("tharn"...a definition here: link removed)

 

I've been going tharn far too often the last 2 weeks. It's not helping. Even I am becoming fed up with my drama. No doubt it's Big Stuff. It's more than "finding a job," it's a huge change in that entire portion of my life. I have been doing essentially the same job (albeit in different locations) for 25 years. I've had pretty much the same work schedule for the last 19 years. These things are likely going to change...and cause changes for the other things that make up my life -- like yoga classes, and visits to the massage therapist, and so forth.

 

No wonder I'm so piss scared I can't even think straight at times. It's there. It needs to be acknowledged. But it doesn't need to be the controlling factor.

 

So, one of my more managable scaled-down goals? Try to not go tharn for 24 solid hours.

[shes2smart]

Maybe I Should Make My Own Job

 

The option of making my own job has been brought up for consideration in the last few days.

 

I spent a good chunk of time talking to Mr. Good Hair yesterday. (Who is Mr. Good Hair? Here: ) I had him tell me about how he started his freelance business doing voiceovers, copywriting, and production. One of the things that really struck me about how he came to decide to do this was that he started coming to the conclusion that he was "unemployable." He'd keep seeing things he'd do differently than his employers and it really started to bug him -- the inefficieny, the stupidity, the political crap. It really sounded like he was in a somewhat similar mindset then as I am now.

 

He wasn't unemployable because of bad work habits, bad work ethic, or a bad personalilty. For my part, I think I might have a lot of difficulty adjusting to a "real" job after 25 years doing radio. I've had a great deal of autonomy in my jobs. Other than "you need to be here for your air shift" there hasn't been much in the way of direction from my employers. No nitpicking, no looking over my shoulder. If I did something on the air the PD didn't like, he'd just tell me and I'd fix it. I never worked for a PD that wanted to do weekly aircheck sessions...and I don't think I would've liked that very much if I had. I've been living in this work environment where I'd be given things to do (produce commercials, write copy, or what-have-you), told when it needed to be finished, and then left alone to accomplish those tasks at my own pace, in my own way. I was good enough at it that my various supervisors let me work that way and, for the most part, left me alone to work that way.

 

So, I understand what Mr. Good Hair meant when he said he began to come to the conclusion that he was "unemployable." So, what does one do when one is "unemployable?" Create their own job by running their own business where they can run things as they see fit and where they don't have to put up with anything they really don't want to.

 

Given what my I know of myself from the most recent personality assessment and the stuff I learned when I went to a career coach a few years back, I am really starting to wonder if I am still "employable." The more I think about launching a freelance voice over and copywriting business, the more I like it. Of all the jobs I've applied for and all the job descriptions I've read in the last few weeks, this is the first thing that feels like it fits.

 

One of the challenges is that I do not have a home studio set up...and I need to have that before I can even start. Round numbers that's probably going to cost about $1500. At a time when I have very little income, that's a risk...and it may or may not pay off in the long run. Freelancing is, in a sense, going to be constantly looking for a job (project)...and we know how well I'm dealing with that Would it be different if I was working for myself and auditioning for gigs? Or would it be like the last few weeks? Mr. Good Hair said it's a lot of marketing, networking and basically "sales job." Things that I'm not naturally good at and don't particularly like. But again, would it be different if I was doing it for myself and not doing it for someone else? There wouldn't be an external set of expectations/goals that I would be expected to meet -- just my own.

 

I suspect that I will go forward with that project and continue with the job search. If for no other reason than this: Thinking of doing that doesn't make me go tharn like looking for a job does.

[shes2smart]

"Get A Haircut....

 

...and get a real job." - George Thorogood

 

More critical self-evaluation of the shallow, surface appearance kind: the hair needs to go.

 

I hate dinking around with my hair. I hate getting it cut. thereforeeee, it's been growing fairly unchecked for the last 2 or more years. Oh, about every 6 months or so, I drag myself to a salon (which I intensely dislike) and get a few inches hacked off the bottom, but that's about it. Usually pull it back in a barette or pony tail, and that's about it. And, really, I was good with that. I liked having it long. I hadn't had it that long since I was in high school.

 

Yesterday, I had about 4-5" cut off for a more "professional" look. It's this chin-length bob. It must've been real clear that I really didn't want it that short because the the two girls working at the salon were telling me things like, "it'll look much healthier now" and "you'll have a lot more body since the length won't be weighing it down." I looked at the 4" clippings on the floor and all I could think was, "Well, there's a good 5 or 6 months down the drain."

 

I know it will grow back. I know in the larger scheme of things my discomfort over this is not a big deal and it may be important to the larger picture to have it shorter and more "professional" looking for now. I know all that. Doesn't mean I'm ready to like it. It feels like it's part of that wearing-pantyhose-skirts-and-other-not-me-clothing-just-so-someone-will-consider-hiring-me thing.

 

I am going to talk to another temp agency today. Really, the woman there has been quite helpful --calls when she says she'll call, sends me emails when she says she will, seems like she genuinely wants to find me some placement and figure out what I want to do next. She even gave me the name of an agency that helps people, primarily women, who are looking to make a career transition or looking for work after a long time out of the workplace find jobs. I have an appointment there next week.

 

Anyway, yeah, I'm going forward with both the job search and setting up a home studio for freelance stuff. I bought my audio editing software yesterday. Turns out the version of the software we use at work (and that I've been using nearly every day for the last 4 years) is a much older version than the new one that's on the market now. As such, I was able to find a new copy of version 1.5 for $100 on ebay. The newest version (3.0) is $349. There's an ebay auction of the mic I want ending today. So far, the price is right, but a lot can change in 8 hours.

 

Anyway, I gotta get going for this appointment with the temp agency. More later, I'm sure.

[shes2smart]

Cautiously Optimistic

 

That went well. Incredibly well compared to some of my other attempts at finding employment.

 

So, I'm offically an employee of the temp agency now (pending background check and drug screen), and she thinks she will actually be able to put me in some temp assignments (no idea when, though). She's aware I will still be looking for a job (as are most of the people she places) as well as setting up the voiceover business. We are both of the opinion that temping might be a good fit for me right now. It will pay more than unemployment, and will also give me time to work on other stuff.

 

I didn't leave there feeling discouraged or disgusted, and that's miles ahead of how I've felt leaving other potential employment encounters. Like I said, she acts like she really wants to put me in a job and wants to help me figure out what to do next. I guess that's one good thing that came out of that horrendous "Job Fair" last week. That's where I found out about this particular temp agency. I didn't talk to them while I was there, but they were on the list of participants and I looked them up online later.

 

I bought my audio recording/editing software...and I bought a Mic Mate -- a pre-amp that allows me to connect my mic to my computer via a USB port. Just need the mic and cable and a USB cable, a couple pieces of audio foam and the dedicated business computer and I should be good to go. Haven't gone computer shopping yet, but we did manage to find the 2nd comp for warcrackin' for about $600, so I'm hoping to do that for less than $1000.

 

In other news, Unemployment approved my claim...so the checks for doing not much of anything should start coming soon....

[shes2smart]

Spending Spree

 

Auido software & shipping $103

Mic Mate $ 50

Mic, stand & cable (pkg) & shipping insurance $334

Soundproofing foam $ 98

 

TOTAL $585

 

What I still need:

 

USB cable

computer

[shes2smart]

There's Always Something Funny

 

So, I spent about an hour talking to my ex-college bf (aka "the only ex I keep in touch with") about the goings-on here. At one point, this was a person who considered becoming a counselor and who knows much about my past, my basic personality, and why I am the way I am.

 

We're talking about various jobs and he says, "Y'know, I wouldn't see you doing call center work...seeing as how you just don't like people."

 

Yes, indeedy, I was reminded that this is not a sudden new development in my personality. I have always been anti-social. It took someone who has known me for over 2 decades to remind me of that. While it may make some things more difficult for me, I really have no choice but to accept and embrace it. Oh, sure, I can sort of get around it for short periods of time...but the fact of the matter is I am now and always have been basically a loner-type and if I force myself to be anything else too often I become quite unhappy, out of sorts, and prone to snippy remarks designed to push others away so I can be by myself.

 

It may not be the easiest thing to have to navigate through life with, but it is the hand I was dealt. It is the hand I will play. Because, really, what other viable choice do I have?

[shes2smart]

People Who Knew You When

 

Yesterday, I talked to an old friend. I first met R in the last few months of my relationship with my ex-college bf. He used to call the radio station where I worked to request songs and we just got to talking. When I split from my ex-college bf, R and I started hanging out together.

 

It was strictly platonic. Nothing ever happened in a romantic/sexual sense between R and I. We talked on the phone a few nights a week and generally went out once or twice a month. When I'd start dating someone, R would bow out until he knew how my squeeze-of-the-moment would react to our friendship. R was and still is a listener. He prefers to listen to others (and he listens very closely both to what is said and what is not said) than to talk about himself. Even if you try to get him to talk about himself, he will find a way to turn the conversation back toward the other person.

 

I hadn't talked to R in a very long time...several years. Yesterday, I managed to get ahold of him and we talked for a long while.

 

Sometimes, people who know you for 20 or more years remember things that you've long forgotten. Like the fact that I only started picking up "other duties" like copywriting and promotions and programming because it was the price of being able to be on the air full time and make enough money to live on. I wasn't really wild about doing those things, they were really not much more than a means to an end. The end being "being able to be on the air." He was there back at the beginning, when I started getting asked to do "other duties," and he remembers what I initially thought of it.

 

Now, I have had some pretty cool experiences and learned some handy stuff because of the "other duties," but they were never what I loved about my job. They were, in fact, some of the things I didn't like about my job. But the fact that doing them made it possible for me to stay on the air made them palatable.

 

With a part-time gig, I can do the part I like without the rest of the BS.

 

There were other things R reminded me about...like I've always been quick to panic/freak out, but even in the midst of it, I still keep plugging along and moving forward. I don't allow myself to get stuck in it.

 

People who've only known you for a few years might be able to deduce those kinds of things about you. People who've known you for decades KNOW those things about you and can provide you with example after example of it. Even when you've long since forgotten what happened back in the day.

 

I don't remember where I read this or when. Given the nature of it, I'd say it was in a metaphysical or spirtual-related book: "I have not been brought this far to be dropped now."

[shes2smart]

Maybe It's Not An Oncoming Train.....

 

 

 

Today's project: Cream Puffs. I was asked to make a batch for a potluck they're having at my husband's job tomorrow. Made the filling last night so it would have time to set up and chill. Probably going to get started on the shells here in a bit then get them filled & frosted this afternoon.

 

All the pieces for my studio arrived. I bought the computer on Monday, all the while chanting the mantra: "I need to have this....I need to have this...." The last item was delivered yesterday, so I hooked the whole thing up and the mic isn't feeding the computer for some reason. The station's engineer agreed to come over and take a look next week.

 

I went to another job fair yesterday. It woulda been great...had I been looking for a retail or restaurant management job. The company sponsoring the job fair made it sound a lot bigger than it actually was. Their pre-promotion materials suggested there would be more than the 16 employers that were actually there (including the line is big print: "Bring At Least 20 Resumes!") and also suggested a wider range of companies than retail and restauarant....and two schools passing out information on educational programs.

 

But, even with that, it was a good day. I got a letter from the State saying I've been approved to take several Civil Service Exams. If I do well enough on those, that puts me in the pool of prospective employees for the State the next time a matching job opening comes up. I went to that workshop on applying for State jobs back in February, and the way they choose who to interview is all based on CSE scores. So, those with the highest test scores get called first. Seems fair enough to me. I've seen some sample Civil Service Exams and they're skill-oriented tests not personality tests. I have no problem being tested on skills...throw all the spelling, grammar, arithmetic, typing, and software simulation tests at me you want. It makes sense to see what a potential employee's skill level is. The personality tests....not so much.

 

Had an interview yesterday and I thought it went real well. I was looking at the ads in Sunday's paper and I saw a familiar name in this one ad. It was one of my regular listeners...and also a guy my husband used to work with at this same business. He's basically looking for an assistant because his job has expanded so much. So I called him Monday and went and interviewed with him yesterday. It's a part time position (for the time being), but that would give me the time to work on building the freelance stuff. He said he'd call next week to set up a second interview with the business' owner. My gut feeling is unless I really screw up the interview with the business' owner, I will likely get offered this job.

 

I also heard from Mr. Good Hair yesterday and he's kicking around a few ideas...stuff he's wanted to do but hasn't had the time and/or it would require more than one person to do. He asked if I'd be interested. Duh! No brainer.

 

Earlier this week I had my initial appointment with a place that the woman at the temp service referred me to. This organization's mission is helping people (primarily women) who are doing a career change or trying to get back into the workforce after a long period of unemployment due to being a full-time mom, or substance abuse issues, or becoming a widow or any number of other circumstances. As I was telling the counselor what-all has been going on with me in the last month, she said it was all very similar to what she's seen others in similar situations go through. So, yet again, I have not managed to discover anything new or different in terms of dysfunctional behavior. Guess the chances of getting some sort of mental illness named after me continue to plummet.

 

Got some freelance work from one of my regular clients. Went and cut that early this morning. Had hoped to be out of the station by the time the business day started, but missed it by a few minutes, then had to spend another half hour or so chatting with everyone who saw me. It wasn't bad. They seemed genuinely happy to see me and all. But it was kinda neat knowing that I wasn't going to have to stay there all day.

 

An old friend of my husband's came to visit. Flew in last weekend for some wedding. We met up with him at the airport and dinked around a while, then he drove to his hometown (about 2 hours away) for the wedding and to visit family. He'll be coming back here for a weekend event (some comic or pop culture convention or something) and staying with us for a day or so until his flight back.

 

Unemployment approved my claim and I got the previous 3 weeks worth of benefits in one lump sum (minus the money I earned part-time and freelance) that showed up in my bank account today. So, hey, there's next month's house payment...woo-hoo. And I still have a good 2/3 of my serverance money that I haven't touched yet, either. Being cheap...er, frugal.. comes in handy sometimes. Who knew that learning to play the "$20 to spend on 2 weeks worth of groceries" game would come in handy later down the road?

[shes2smart]

They're Not Waiting

 

The guy I interviewed with the other day said he'd call next week to set up second interviews. He called this morning. I go in to talk to the business owner on Tuesday.

 

Kinda wondering how long we can make it financially on a combination of me working two part-time jobs (at the radio station and assuming I get offered the gig I interviewed for the other day), whatever freelance I can scare up, the remaining severance money/emergency savings and unemployment (if I don't make too much from other other jobs to disqualify me). I guess it's another situation where I can't look too far ahead. There are too many unknowns. The big ones are: how much freelance can I get and how far in the future might they decide to make the job I interviewed for into a full time gig. That was one of the things we discussed -- would there be potential to advance into a full time position down the road and he said there would be that possibility.

 

Even with all the unknowns, things are feeling more solid than they were 2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago. I have some sort of direction/plan. I don't know if it's a good direction/plan or if it's even going to be a terribly lucrative direction/plan...but it feels more solid than what I had a month ago.

[shes2smart]

Everything All At Once

 

Well, ok, not everything. But after weeks of job applications with silence or "thanks but no thanks" responses, I get a call today from another company that wants to interview me on Tuesday.

 

My husband said it would be like this: lots of nothing and then 2 or 3 or more things would start hitting all at once. He was right.

[shes2smart]

Freak (Out) Of The Week

 

The last week to 10 days, the frequency of going tharn has dropped off. But I woke up in that state this morning. So, I'm sitting with it until it passes.

 

I wonder if I will be able to make enough working part-time to make my "work part time and do freelance" plan really work. I think there is potential for the position I am interviewing for on Tuesday to turn into something more down the road, but I don't know how long that might take. In the meantime, there are bills I have to pay every month.

 

The other job that I am interviewing for on Tuesday is full-time. I'm actually a little surprised they called me. It's full time, four 10-hour days, and weird hours on most of the openings (starting late afternoon and going until middle of the night). There are some other potential drawbacks, too. Including the fact that I don't believe there's much room for advancement down the road. It's a more blue-collar type position than the part-time one I am interviewing for on Tuesday.

 

Then again, the interview for the full-time, blue-collar type job is really just a pre-screening chat on the phone with a recruiter to see if they really want to talk to me in person. So there is the chance that I won't get past the screener anyway.

 

I feel better about the part-time job. How it all came about has all the hallmarks of how things have always worked out for me. I got the definite impression that the guy I interviewed with wants to hire me. I only start going to bad places when I start trying to figure out if it's going to be enough for us to live on for more than the short term. It's hard to forecast that out because of all the unknowns.

 

Through this whole process, I have learned a couple of things: I thought I had pretty much dealt with eliminating fear in much of my life. Well, wasn't that a naive little idea. It's easy to think that when things are "normal" and "safe." Throw me in a situation where there's a lot of uncertainty and going tharn becomes a frequent occurrence. The other thing I have learned is uncertainty is a huge fear-trigger for me. Perhaps part of what this time is about is dealing with that. There are always ever-advancing and ever-deepening lessons, y'know? I learned to minimize fear in my life when things were "normal," so the advanced course is learning how to do that when things are not "normal."

 

I dunno. I think I have managed to talk myself back from the ledge. This is not anything thousands...nay hundreds of thousands...of other people have gone through at some point or another. Others have successfully navigated through this particular challenge and come out the other end stronger, happier and better off financially. If others have done it, I can too.

[shes2smart]

Well, That's One Person's Opinion

 

I talked briefly with the guy who re-wrote and de-radioed my resume. Told him (with obvious enthusiam) about my getting called back for a second interview. When he learned what the job was and that it was part time, I got the impression he was just this side of horrified that I was stooping so low. That sort-of frozen smile on his face was an attempt to hide his disappointment.

 

On the one hand, I'm glad he thinks so highly of me that he believes I should be doing something "more than" or "better than" a part time clerical/adminstrative job in this company's marketing department. On the other hand, it makes me wonder just how well he really knows me. I met him for the first time around Christmas time (although I've known his partner for about 2 years). I suspect he thinks he knows me better than he really does because of my on-air persona/presentation. I sound like a really friendly, people-person, has-a-ton-of-friends, very outgoing gal on the air....and I can put forth that image in person for the duration of a remote or appearance. But that's not really me. That's me doing what I have to do to do the job.

 

I think he also doesn't get that when I look at job descriptions of positions he thinks are "right" for me that I cringe. I cringe at the responsibility, I cringe at the description of duties wondering how much political BS I'd have to deal with and how much of my life and time these people would want. I'm willing to take a little less pay to have a little less responsibility and a less BS.

 

One thing that's become clear in the various assessment and skill tests I've taken over the last few weeks (including the ones the career coach gave me last week) is that I *like* clerical work and I have an aptitude for it. I also have the artistic/creative streak that led me to being a radio DJ...but just as strong (if not stronger on some tests) is that clerical/adminstrative thing. I like to plan and organize and do the kinds of things that make stuff go smoothly and things that no one really notices until they DON'T get done and all hell breaks loose. I don't need to be center stage, and I don't need constant recognition. I LIKE being in the background, behind-the-scenes (preferably by myself or with one or two other people I like & respect) and largely ignored.

 

My rationale for considering this particular part-time job is two-fold:

 

1. It will create some income yet leave me time to work on launching/building the freelance voiceover stuff

 

2. It will give me a chance to try out a "normal job" and give that company a chance to see how I fit, and it may morph into a full-time job over time if it's a good fit for both parties.

 

Sigh.

 

He's entitled to have his opinion, I suppose. Nothing I can do about that. I have to do what I think will be best for me...not what someone else (who has known me for less than a year, for God's sake) thinks would be best for me. I ask myself, "When have you ended up in really bad situations and really screwed up? What do those times have in common?" Answer: when I did what someone else thought I should do and didn't listen to my own opinion on what I should do.

[shes2smart]

I Hate My Guts

 

...and they're not feeling too friendly toward me today, either. Woke up early this morning and let's just say whatever was in my digestive system wanted out NOW. Either end was fine as an exit route. Ugh. Not sure what this is about. Most likey just picked up some viral/bacterial intestinal nasty and it will be over in 24 hours. God knows I'm pretty much empty at this point. Just feeling all dragged out and tired with inflamed guts.

 

Of course, I can't get sick on one of the many days I really don't have to be anywhere....no, it's gotta be a day I'm supposed to work. And, yeah, I'm here sounding pert & perky, but my posterior is dragging as I keep sipping icewater and hoping it will stay down.

 

Here's to hoping it is your garden-variety 24-hour intestinal upset and I'll be fine tomorrow. You know...tomorrow, when I have 2 job interviews. I can see it now, "I'd love to answer your question, but can you excuse me a moment to puke?" Talk about making a great impression.

 

Well...I'm outta here in less than 4 hours. I suppose that's something.

[shes2smart]

Note To Self

 

A little reading for the next time you go tharn.

 

link removed

 

 

Still feel horrible but now have less than 2 hours to go.

[shes2smart]

Everything Seems To Be Working

 

After many hours of sleep and an intake limited to water for 24 hours, I'm feeling fairly normal again. So, it wasn't anything serious. Not like my gallbladder ruptured or anything. Still taking it easy today, though. I feel ok, but I also feel like I'm likely to tire out easily, too.

 

Sunday night an old friend of my husband's stayed with us. We sat out on the back patio after dinner, had a fire in the firepit and talked. His friend is closer to my age and is an artist who has held a variety of jobs to support himself, although he does make some money off his artwork. And as he was talking about his current job, something started bubbling up in my head. It was almost like The Voice speaking to me about things like changing my ideas about security and safety and expanding my horizons. That the only option isn't "full-time-job-with-benefits-and-you-stay-there-for-as-long-as-you-can-and-then-you-go-to-the-next-full-time-job-and-there-is-no-other-way."

 

It's not a really fully formed line of thinking yet...more like the start of a shift in my own perceptions and beliefs about work and working and what do I want to do and what do I really need to get by. Whatever it is, it's better than going tharn, so I'll gladly take it.

[shes2smart]

The Adventure Continues

 

Both interviews went well. The first one (the half-hour phone conversation that was an initial screener) went better than expected, since I have no experience with that type of work. Weird hours (overnights), low pay, and physically demanding (standing for most, if not all, of 4 - 10 hour shifts per week and lifting up to 40-50 pounds). Surprisingly, though, I did well enough that I was invited for a face to face chat. (Which, as it turns out, I will have to decline) Makes me wonder if they are desperate for bodies.

 

The second one (the second interview with the business owner...the one where I already sorta knew the guy doing the hiring and where my husband used to work) went well enough that they offered me the job. I accepted. It is 20-30 hours a week part time, hourly rate plus bonuses. The department is expanding and both the guy hiring and the owner said there was the possibility of the job growing to full-time. My husband said that is common enough there...lots of the staff started part-time, worked up to full-time and have been there for many years. He also said both my new boss and the owner are straight shooters and wouldn't say stuff like that if it wasn't the case.

 

I was also offered a temp assignment yesterday to start next week, which I won't be taking because the place that hired me wants me to start next week. I will, however, go ahead and take the Civil Service Exams next week. Just because. Just to see how I do. There's no guarantee I will do well enough to ever get called for an interview, nor is there any guarantee a job will become available during the time my application/test scores are considered active. But, mostly, I will go ahead and take the tests because my gut is saying I should. It's the same reason why I'll decline the in-person interview with the overnight, low-pay, physically demanding job. I don't want to waste their time. I don't feel like that's the next step...the other job (the one I accepted) does. The overnight job also does not have the same advancement potential as the one I accepted.

 

I still have concerns about part-time hourly plus bonuses and whatever freelance I can get being enough to make it financially. I think it might be tight for a while, but I don't want that to be the condition for the long term. My husband keeps saying, "We'll be fine." I want to believe...but I know there are so many factors out of my control in that.

 

So, as is the case with most employers these days, I am off to pee in a cup for a pre-employment drug screen today, while they run a background and credit check. Provided that's all clear (which it is...if it's not, there's been some mistake), I start next Monday. Which, coincidentally enough, would've been my first week off my 6 week severance package. (and I still have a good 2/3 of that money, to boot)

 

So, as I look back at how this particular thing came together, it happened like most of the other things in my life -- a series of "coincidences" that could not be predicted, but that I noticed and followed up on. If you read "The Celestine Prophecy" that probably makes sense to you. If not, it may sound like a bunch of hooey, magical-thinking, new-agey, metaphysical malarky. Keep in mind, however, that is how I've been choosing to live my life for the last 15+ years...by following the "coincidences."

 

Come to think of it, it was more like 20 years ago when I first read Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life." Yeesh.

 

At any rate, I do believe that I've managed to get into the position that I envisioned for myself -- employed to keep some income going, but with enough time (at the right time of the day) to work on building the freelance stuff.

 

One of my old, old, old affirmations. One that I worked on for so long with such consistency that it's just part of my normal thoughts anymore:

 

"If I can conceive it and believe it, I can achieve it."

 

As long as I'm listing old, old, old affirmations that are just part of my normal thought patterns, let's go ahead and list the rest of the trifecta.

 

"Everything always works out for my highest good"

"I am one of God's favorites"

 

People perusing my ink and paper journal from 15-20 years ago might think I had/have a little obessive/compulsive problem. There are literally pages of my scrawling these phrases over & over & over again as part of my affirmation work. You get what you focus on...and if you're trying to change your focus, change your thinking, change your actions...the new stuff needs to be repeated so it can replace the old stuff.

 

Do I have my doubts about this? Yeah, at times. Do I have some fears/worries about this? Yeah, at times. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. Their presense must be acknowledge, but cannot and will not be allowed to limit, control or paralyze me. Do I believe this is the way to go? Yes, absolutely.

 

When we let go of fear, only then can we gracefully move from what was into the miracle of what can be.

[shes2smart]

What's Weird

 

Being called by my real name uniformly through all areas of my life and not a "radio name" about half the time.

[shes2smart]

According To Them, Someone Like Me Shouldn't Exist

 

So, the career counselor type person had me take a test to find out my Holland Code link removed to help me figure out what I want to be when I grow up. My results put together things that most job classification things don't see going together.

 

This explains why things are so freakin' difficult.

 

Apparently you cannot be an organizer/planner/want stability/structure type of person AND be a creative/artsy type at the same time. When you put those two things together and try to get these tests to suggest possible careers/jobs, computers meltdown and say those things don't go together...no one could possibly possess both those traits in equal amounts.

 

And, yet, I am real and I do exist (as far as I can tell)...and my Holland Code came up as CAI or CAE (I tied on the "I" and "E" scale).

 

And every other personality/career assessment test I've taken comes back with the same psycho results. I am a living, walking, talking, breathing contradiction. I guess I have known this for a very long time, though. It's just interesting to have it confirmed by these sort of outside sources....which very quickly want to suggest that these sorts of opposite traits can't exist in the same individual.

 

So, then I start thinking....maybe it's not just me being dramatic and maudlin...maybe I really have had a more difficult go of things than most other people because I have all these "both ends of the spectrum/conflicting" personality traits.

 

I want to get things done and done right....yet I am also very lazy. So that comes out as me finding the easiest, quickest way to get stuff done right = efficiency. And that is just one of these conflicting traits I have.

 

It's a wonder I haven't gone insane.

[shes2smart]

Irrational Paranoia

 

"Oh-my-God-the-lab-screwed-up-and-my-drug-screen-came-back-positive-for-anything/everything-and-they-won't-hire-me-and-I'll-be-back-at-square-one-and-then-what-will-I-do?!?!??!?!?!?!?!"

 

Deep breath. They won't find anything because there's nothing for them to find. Well, other than some Immodium and Ibuprofen I took Monday when I was having my intestinal issues. But that's all they would find. I know this. Still I have these flashes of paranoia about the lab screwing up somehow.

 

The station's engineer came over yesterday and tried to figure out why my mic isn't feeding the studio computer. We managed to get it diagnosed back to "the problem is the computer itself," so I have to take the dang thing back later today. Gonna call the sales guy first and give him a heads up so he can start lining up the appropriate help for me. He's not in til this afternoon, though.

 

Made dinner for the station engineer to thank him for his help. I got an earful about the goings-on at the station the last couple weeks. On the whole, it made me glad I don't work there (full-time anyway) anymore. Nice bunch of people, fairly good company as radio companies go. But something gets lost in the execution of the business at hand. There's a little too much "no one told me " and "what are we doing, again?" and "no, that's how we did it last week...this week it's THIS way."

 

Of course, I don't know that it's markedly different in other places and/or other industries. It might just be like that everywhere for all I know. I'm willing to entertain that as a possibility. In any event, some of the screw-ups were due to things I used to do/take care of not getting done because no one picked it up when I left. I took some perverse satisfaction in that.

 

So, really, this is kind of my last day as an unemployed bum. I start the new job next week. Well...assuming the lab hasn't screwed up my drug screen and turned me into a junkie or something.

 

It's Friday. I should probably do laundry.

[shes2smart]

All Systems Go

 

Talked to my new boss and he told me when to come in Monday, so I guess it's all cool with drug testing and back ground checking and all the other stuff.

 

Well, except for wardrobe issues. But I still have a few days to figure that out.

 

Finally, almost 9 months after the fact, the short-term health insurance finally decided to process the claim for the visit to the ER in September when I learned I had gallstones. They've dinked around "investigating" to see if it was a pre-exsisting condition so they wouldn't have to pay anything. Well they finally figured out that it really was the first time I had any idea there was a problem and yes, they do have to pay.

 

Even so, there's a balance for the hospital bill. Just throw it on the pile with all the rest. Maybe at some point in the future I'll actually be making real money again and be able to get all that paid off, too.

 

In the "Good Lord, It Really Shouldn't Be This Difficult" department, hauled stuff back to the computer store to trouble shoot why I can't get the mic to feed into the computer. We still don't know. The station engineer says he's got something else he wants to try that involves a different way of connecting the mic to the computer without going through a USB port. Aaarrrgghhh!

 

Laundry's done and kitties are napping. Maybe I will join them.

[shes2smart]

Any Excuse Is An Excuse To Freak Out

 

So, the last few weeks, I'm freaking out because I don't have a job. Now, I start a new job on Monday, and I'm freaking out about that.

 

This whole series of events has really made me regress at least a decade in terms of dealing with fears, and challenges, and life in general. Granted, I haven't been flipping out every minute of every day since mid-April...and there have been moments -- even series of moments or the better part of an entire day, even -- where I haven't flipped out at all...but I can't help but thinking, "Holy jinkies, you should really be handling this better than you have been (if you believe what you say you believe)."

 

I mean, if you look at it, in the larger scheme of things, I really haven't been sidelined for all that long. 6 weeks. You hear stories about people who've looked for months or close to a year and not found anything. (And you hear more of these stories if people hear you don't currently have a job because people can be total morons) But starting next week, between the new part-time job and what I'm doing at the radio station, I will be working 30-40 hours per week. Yeah, it's for less pay than what I was making with my old full time job -- but the point is I will probably be making enough that I won't qualify for unemployment. My thought is I will also be positioning myself to get back to that old income level (or more) in taking a half-step backwards now. I mean, I got this new company to hire me. I'm in the freakin' door. If I go in there and do as well as I know I can, I figure I'm first in line when they're ready to hire someone full-time.

 

So, these people who go for months without finding anything...what are they doing differently from me? Which approach leads to a better financial outlook long-term?

 

One of the things I talked about with my counselor last week was my general distrust of employers anymore. That was all pretty much destroyed in the Great Crash of 2003. So, one of the thoughts I have had is, "Ok, what if this new thing isn't quite the great opportunity you're making it out to be? It's not unheard of for a business to think things are going in such a way that they need to hire more staff to expand and then things bounce off in a different direction and all of a sudden there's too many employees and not enough money. You just saw that happen at your old job. What's to say it won't happen with the new one?"

 

Prior to the Great Crash of 2003, I could (and did) blindly believe that the people running a company Knew What They Were Doing. Now I see that they can make mistakes...sometimes Really Big Mistakes...and it's generally not those who made the decisions leading to the Really Big Mistakes who pay for them, especially at first. So, I find it really difficult to fully believe what any employer tells me without some solid proof to back it up. Sat through too many We're-In-This-Together-We-All-Have-To-Make-Sacrifices-And-It-Will-Get-Better "rally the troops" speeches that were just a lot of hot air and then watched things got worse and fall apart.

 

To be fair, though, I have spent the last big chunk of my life in an industry that's been in a downhill slide for at least the last 10 years. My new job is an entirely different industry that's not doing a slow fade-to-black. The reason this particular department is expanding is because they're being pro-active and anticipating changes in the way business is done. Radio has not done that, and due to that inaction, they started digging their own grave.

 

Sigh.

 

I'd hate to see what kind of wreck I'd be if I didn't have these two things the last few weeks:

 

1. That I am still working part-time at the station, so I wasn't totally unemployed and totally cut off

 

2. Warcrack

 

The Warcrack has been a GREAT distraction when I needed to have a great distraction. Not to the point where I played it and neglected to find a job. But it was a great thing to have when doing anymore job search stuff would be too depressing, overwhelming, frustrating and pointless. It made the whole mess I was/am in go away for a while, and sometimes, that's just the thing.

[shes2smart]

"Adjustments...You Make Adjustments....

 

...there's nothing left wrong with me that money can't cure..." - The Waitresses, "Jimmy Tomorrow"

 

Don't have a lot of time right now...but I suspect that'll be the case for the next little while. Training for the new job this week = 8 hour days...first time that's happened in...???? a long time.

 

It's weird. I don't know if I like it or not. Right now, it's just....weird. There's all this new stuff, and I haven't learned it yet...and there's the totally different environment...and new people...and some ego issues...and, and, and. Yeah, I'm a little overwhelmed, but this ride only goes one way. So, forward it is...because you can't go back.

[shes2smart]

Welcome To The Real World Of Work

 

So, I started my new job this week. While I was hired on as a part-timer, I have worked full time hours this week. In theory it was for training. In reality, it's been helping my boss play catch-up on data entry since he was about a month behind.

 

Yup. 8 hours a day of nothing but data entry. Not difficult work by any stretch of the imagination. It does get boring after a few hours, though. Monday and Tuesday I just came home and cried and freaked out. Wednesday was better. Today was better. Then again, I only worked a half day today because I took those Civil Service Exams this morning.

 

Most of my problems have been due to two broad categories:

1. financial

2. ego

 

I got the details on my compensation for this job on Monday. The hourly rate is about half of what I was making before. However, there are opportunities to make bonuses. The last person who had this job was clearing $750+ per month in bonuses (so I am told). She was full-time, so I don't know how much difference that will make. I am still unsure if working part-time there and trying to get freelance going is going to generate enough income to keep things going, though. That's something I have no way of knowing for sure until we're ass-deep into it.

 

The ego issues are the trickier ones. Those are the ones that will make me start crying. They listen to the station I used to work at. I mean, that's part of the reason I got the job in the first place -- these guys were a couple of my regular listeners. But it's like some weird form of torture to sit there and listen to what used to be MY show while I'm parked in front of a computer doing data entry for half of what I used to make. It's like a weird form of torture -- if I think about it too much and allow myself to get all dramatic. I've been trying to avoid doing that. It is what it is. So, I try to play the game "Listen To The Radio Like A Normal Person" -- that means hear the music (sorta) and mentally tune out anything that's not music. I've been doing ok with it, for the most part. After The Great Crash of 2003, I didn't allow myself to get really emotionally invested in whatever station I was working at, so at the back end, it's been easier to detach. Seein' as how I haven't really been on that station since, like, February, I was already partially disconnected from it anyway.

 

I cannot make a realistic evaluation on if I like the job yet...because I've only been doing one part of the job (over and over and over and over again) this week. It's mind-numbingly repetitive and boring...but I keep reminding myself that we're in catch-up mode right now and once the data entry is caught up, I'll be doing other things (including the stuff I can earn bonus money on).

 

On the plus side, this job does have the type of environment I'm likely to do well in -- There aren't a lot of people to deal with. It's me, my boss, one other guy and one other part-timer. I will probably never be working the same time as the other part-timer, so it's just me, my boss, and the other guy. We're in a room off in the upstairs and back of the building, and no one really bothers us. Our contacts with customers limited, brief, once-removed (via phone or email), and generally positive -- we're responding to their requests so they WANT to hear from us. Our contacts with the other people in the business are also limited, brief and once-removed. Neither one of these guys is terribly chatty. I am given stuff to do, then left alone to do it. It really does have all the hallmarks of a working environment that would be a good fit for me. Plus the two people I work with still think of me as a quasi-celebrity...they already liked me going in and they are happy I'm there. Kinda takes some of the sting off the other insults to my ego.

 

When we first moved down here, my husband was unemployed for 2 months. When I was crashing hard on Tuesday, he told me that when he first started training classes for his new job after 2 months off, it wiped him out, too. He said he was fine after a week or two and back into the routine of working again. He is of the opinion that I am going through a similar transition and it's just a matter of time before I get into the work routine again.

 

I'm supposed to go to part-time hours after this week, but what with the catch-up mode the department seems to be in, that remains to be seen. On the one hand, the full-time pay would be welcome, but on the other hand I think it'd be easier to ease back into the world of work with part-time hours for a while. I will make too much money this week to collect unemployment...and that's ok.

 

Another thing that concerns me is that I have not been able to make it to the gym this week. I am just too freakin' wiped out. Once I get home (from a hellacious rush hour high traffic commute) I don't want to leave the house. They want me there too early to make going to the gym in the morning feasible due to when the gym opens.

 

So, finally, at the age of 44, I do believe I am getting my first taste of what it's like to have "just a job." If the money was better, I think I could adapt to it just fine. When I was younger, I don't know that I could have. In any event, I am employed outside of radio and I am doing stuff that could come in handy in obtaining other employment down the road. While it may not be enough to sustain us long-term, I am bringing in some income and that will make the other money go further, too.

 

Other than the beating my ego has taken, there have been a lot of positives this week. And, dammit, that is what I'm going to focus on.

[shes2smart]

Detaching

 

So, I'm doing my weekly gig at the radio station, and I'm feeling very detached from it. My connection to this place and maybe even the work itself is eroding. Perhaps this is only temporary. Perhaps it is only due to putting in 40 hours doing something else in a different environment this week. Who knows.

 

All I know is there was a time in my life when much of my own identity and "who I am" was intertwined with being a radio person/being a dj to a HUGE degree. There was a time when this transition out of the business would've been much, much worse/traumatic than it has been. And, as job losses/unemployment go, I don't think this has been all that bad. Not that I really have much to compare it to, really. I mean, sure I've had my moments of free-floating anxiety and downright terror (and I'm sure there'll be a few more), but they've been.....minimal. I haven't had the anger/resentment thing. I've been reading a number of things about the grieving process associated with job loss and anger/resentment/bitterness is not uncommon, but I haven't really had that going on.

 

I did have some annoyance with my former supervisor, but there were legitimate reasons for that before any of this happened. For the most part, I'm just glad I'm not working for that person anymore now. I've really had no angry/bitter stuff toward the company or toward any of the other management types at the company. I know some of the other people who were let go did/still do...and I limited my time around them because of it. I didn't want to be there. Still don't.

 

Went to yoga this morning. Got to the gym, and there's all these people standing around outside the building. Seems the person who was supposed to unlock the doors this morning had some issues getting to work on time. The yoga instructor arrived and after waiting for about 15 minutes, she decided she'd teach the class in this grassy area by the parking lot. So we did yoga outside while the other gym-goers stood around waiting for one of the keyholding managers to show up.

 

Talked to my friend R ( ) a few days ago. He knew me way back when I first broke up with my college bf and was living alone for the first time ever and making less than $20k a year and having to play the "$20 for 2 weeks worth of groceries game." I was telling him about my new job and my money worries and so on and he said, "Everything happens for a reason." And the way he said it...it was like God Himself was speaking to me. This is the same person who told me, "No trust, no relationship," many years ago when I was having some sort of relationship drama and making the situation much more complex than it needed to be. And in the face of all my rationalizations and reasons for staying with someone I didn't and couldn't trust, R just kept quietly insisting, "No trust, no relationship," and not letting me get away with lying to myself.

 

And, he is right. I have navigated through difficult financial times before, and been fine, and things got better. Partially through my own efforts, and partially because things always work out for me. I was thinking about how this whole new job thing came about while I was stuck in traffic coming home yesterday, and really, what are the odds? My husband worked at this place for several months last year. The two guys in the specific department I'm working in both knew him AND both happened to be regular listeners of mine even before he worked there. I had interacted with both of them for requests or playing contests a long time before my husband worked there. They ran the help wanted ad ONE Sunday...which happened to be a Sunday that I remembered to pick up a paper...and I happened to see the ad and notice the one guy's name and go, "Hey! I know !" I mean, what sort of things had to line up for all that to fall together at this particular time when I'd need a job?

 

There are no coincidences. Only road signs pointing the way to go. I am right where I'm supposed to be.

[shes2smart]

It's Only Temporary

 

This time of unemployment and iffy finances...it's only temporary, like anything else. Everything is cyclic, and someday we will be back in a more solid, stable part of the cycle again.

 

I never knew that a job sitting at a desk could be this much of a strain on one's body. By the end of last week's 8-hour days of typing, my neck, shoulders and back were aching and my right elbow was screaming at me. Went to the chiropractor Monday for my regular monthly tune-up appointment, and he did several things that helped. I've laid off a lot of at-home computer usage (read: "no Warcrack") in favor of resting the elbow. I have a mild case of tendonitis in my elbow, commonly referred to as "tennis elbow." Trying to walk a line between resting, icing, at home physical therapy and still doing what I absolutely have to do computer-wise.

 

I'm not as bad off physically as this time last week, thanks to the chiropractor, ice packs, rest, a percussive massager (link removed), and my husband's non-professional-but-still-pretty-good back rubs. Looked up suggested stretches/physical therapy exercises suggested for office workers online and am incorporating them into both my work day and workout routine. It also helps that I am on my "regular for now" schedule and working 6 hours a day and not 8. About half of my shift is now falling at a time when I am the only one there, so I have to deal with things other than data entry...and that means more times when I don't have to be doing data entry or be on the computer.

 

After I got home last night, my question to my husband was this: When does it start feeling like I work there/belong there and not feeling like I'm just visiting? My husband has changed jobs a few times since we've been together. I, on the other hand....well...this is really only my third job in my adult life (Fourth if you count the summer I worked part-time at the race track in addition to the full-time radio gig). Maybe when I start getting paid. I started right at the beginning of the current pay period, so I won't get my first check until next week.

 

So, a week and a half into it, here's my overall assessment: The work itself is not bad, getting more varied than last week and that's good. The later hours are good (I start work in the afternoon and work til close) because I was getting kind of tired of getting up early to do the 9-5 thing anyway. I like the overall environment and that I am working alone once we're outside normal business hours. Not wild about the neck/back/shoulder/elbow issues, but am expecting some improvement from a combination of physically adapting and some self-care (icing, exercises/stretches). The biggest hurdle is as it has always been since the start -- the part-time/compensation status.

 

Speaking of "self-care," I suppose what I really need to do now is knock off typing, get an ice pack out of the freezer, put it on my elbow for 15-20 minutes and go back to bed....