Wonderland

[shes2smart]

Unplugged, Part 3

Thursday September 18, 10am

More early morning tree-clearing. Another day or two and I should have it down to the stuff that will need a chain saw. Taking a bit of a break, then I gotta do dishes, finish dumping the contents of the fridge (since tomorrow is garbage day) and clean the ashes out of the grill so we can cook something for dinner tonight.

 

I hope I don’t have to sit through another….tantrum? rant? Hissy fit? whatever that was….about the power still being out from my husband. The last two nights have just been….unnecessary. I sit here and wonder, “What are you gonna do if it all falls apart? Whine about what you don’t have? Or deal with it and work with what you do have?”

 

As I recall from various history classes and things I have read, during World War II, things like gas and sugar and meat were rationed for the general population to support the war effort. You couldn’t do something like that now. Too many of us are too soft. We’d whine and cry and b**** and make life miserable for the people who would just deal with it and make do.

 

So I asked him if something else was bothering him because the reaction to the power still being out seemed out of proportion to me. He said he doesn’t like the dark. Ok. I don’t get it, really, but OK…..

 

For me, I’m being reminded of how I spent my time when I didn’t own a TV or a computer. It’s like, “Oh, yeah…I used to think and write and read and do stuff outside in the daytime.” And it wasn’t bad at all. Being left in the (semi) dark – we do have flashlights and candles, after all – with my own thoughts doesn’t bother me. I know what’s in my head. Already had the stare-down match with it years ago and figured out it wasn’t that big a deal.

 

He called the electric company and all they would tell him was they were estimating we’d be restored sometime between now and midnight Saturday. Not what he wanted to hear, so it set him off more. I feel bad for the call center workers at the electric company. Not a job I’d want. It’s a front row seat to see how much of humanity is a bunch of selfish, whining, soft, impatient cry babies. I think I’m better off NOT knowing exactly how prevalent that is.

 

We haven’t logged into Warcrack since Sunday morning. I haven’t missed it. Too much other crap to do…and actually getting it done. If there was some way to know how much of his reaction to the power being out was due to his inability to get on the game, would I want to know? Not really. I suspect I might find the answer disturbing…maybe even “very disturbing”…and for now, I am making a very conscious choice to stay in “ignorance is bliss” mode when it comes to that. Because if it is a problem…even a big problem…there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve read enough and had enough first hand experience with addictions to know that. As long as the person with the problem doesn’t see it as a problem, there’s nothing an outside party can do, really. So, I’m keeping my focus on things I can do something about. Like the huge pile of tree limbs in the front yard or the stuff that’s gone belly-up in the fridge & freezer, or the dishes. Those problems I can solve. The real reason(s) for his over-the-top reaction to the power still being out? Can’t do anything about that.

[shes2smart]

Unplugged, Part 4

Friday September 19, 11am

Still in the dark. Word around the neighborhood is maybe by midnight Monday. This has sent my husband to newer levels of pissed off negativity and I am sick of it. I spent about 8 hours over the course of the last four days stripping the leaves and smaller branches off the downed tree limbs. All that’s left in the front yard is a pile of stuff that needs a chain saw and the 18 or so yard waste bags I filled with the smaller stuff. That was all me. He didn’t have to lift a finger to do any of that.

 

I am starting to have some thoughts I don’t want to have. Stuff like: “Everything was ok when I was making decent money and had savings and could bail your ass out, but now I don’t have that and you’re getting all Captain Asshat on me for the slightest thing. For the first time in this relationship, I have some degree of financial dependency on you and you start being a jerk.” See? This line of thought doesn’t take me anywhere good. Logically, there may be no direct connection between my money (or lack thereof) and his behavior. Just because events occur in sequence doesn’t mean one caused the other.

 

But that thought is there now…so I acknowledge it and try to figure out where it’s coming from. The voice that speaks from my highest good or the voice that speaks from fear? One we pay attention to, the other….not so much.

 

Well, I suppose it’s a good thing I have my last stupid long work-at-both-jobs Saturday tomorrow. It’ll keep me out of his way form most of the day. I called the partner of the guy who de-radioed my resume and asked for help. So they are going to try to get my husband to go out with them tomorrow while I’m working at the radio station.

 

In the entire time we’ve been together, these last few months are the first time I’ve really wanted to complain about him. On the one hand, that’s some kind of record for me. On the other hand, I don’t know that it’s a terribly positive thing for the overall direction of the relationship.

[shes2smart]

Unplugged, Part 5

 

The time and day stamp on this one will be accurate because I am no longer hand-writing. Don't get excited, the power is still out at home (far as I know) but I am doing my weekly radio show...and what will be the last Saturday night show on a "work both jobs" Saturday. Yippee. 2 more hours to go and I'm outta here.

 

Checked my email for the first time since Sunday and there was pretty much nothing there. 3 emails that weren't from the local BDSM community mailing lists and one of those 3 was something I emailed myself from my non-radio job. I don't remember the password for my "serious" job-hunting email (that would be the one that's just my first initial, last name and a number), so I haven't checked it. I know what'll be there though -- the weekly notices from monster and career builder that mostly have sales jobs advertised. Sigh.

 

The partner of the guy who de-radioed my resume called my husband yesterday and made plans to go to dinner and the movies with my husband tonight. Never once mentioned that I had instigated it. His partner (the resume guy) recently started school for an advanced degree so he told my husband resume guy had to study, and did my husband want to go see a movie. That, folks, is love in action right there. I called resume guy's partner with a problem asking for help and he jumped right in and helped. Friends like that...those are the people I want in my life.

 

"Friends are God's way of apologising for your relatives." - Wayne Dyer

 

Back before we lost power, I was watching part of one of those Wayne Dyer public TV specials and caught that quote. I was gonna post it on here...but then my recently badly dumped friend came to visit and we lost power and blah, blah, blah. I didn't think of that quote until I was writing about resume guy's partner answering my cry for help when I called him and said the spousal unit was being a bubbling font of negativity what with the extended power outage.

 

Yesterday, after I got done with the tree project, I tackled the sound proof foam project. The additional sheets I ordered arrived a few days ago, so yesterday, I cut one sheet to go on the sides of my second shoji screen and velcroed them on. What with no electricity, I couldn't record something and see if that solved my "quiet" (or more accurately "lack of quiet") problem. But, hey, it was another step toward a working studio.

 

The other thing I did yesterday was call my ex-college bf/part-time non-professional shrink. Like most therapy sessions, it went on for about an hour. Talked about employment, income, power outages and cranky spouses who may or may not have a video game addiction. Gave me some things to think about and some different ways to look at stuff. We'll see how it goes. I still think I'm at one of those challenge points in this relationship.

 

***15 minute time lapse to answer phone***

 

We have lept headlong into the 1900's. Power's been restored at home and he's all sweetness and light now. Or he's all sweetness because there's light...? That'd work, too.

[shes2smart]

It's The Same Old Song

 

Power came back Saturday night. Sunday we got up and got on the Warcrack, and all I could think was, "This is not getting anything done....." I mean it was a day off work for both of us, and I'd been doing about 2 hours of yard work a day all last week, and I got the foam on my studio. You can't be working and doing chores and being productive all the time.

 

We managed to get off our butts and go to a movie later. Patti Smith: Dream of Life link removed. As I was listening to her talk about different things in the movie, it started to occur to me that I don't have to follow any sort of traditional path in terms of employment. No, that's not it really...it's more like a realization that I don't want to follow that anymore. That "have a full time job working for someone else and they dictate what I do with my time" sort of thing.

 

All I know is nearly a week without power and I started to get ideas and motivation to do stuff again....and when it came back on, I started to feel myself falling into the sinkhole of the Internet, of Warcrack, of all these devices that suck up time, energy and attention and leave one with very little accomplished at the end of the day far too often.

 

Life is an adventure of our own design intersected by fate in a series of lucky and unlucky accidents - Patti Smith

[shes2smart]

Congratulations!

 

I've done exactly nothing this morning but eat breakfast and dink around on youtube. So congratulations to me for blowing the last 3 hours. It would've been less than that but my husband's cat was insisting I get out of bed and she woke me up enough that I realized my sinuses were congested and I was headachy. There was no going back to sleep after that.

 

And what's she doing? Why she's all curled up in one of her spots, all crashed out of course. My cat only wakes me up when there's a problem...like his food dish is empty. Otherwise, he's smart enough to let me sleep undisturbed.

 

I managed to record some sound files to run by my advisors on the studio project. Just got an email from one of them, and it's his opinion that the carpeting and extra foam solved the problem. Waiting to hear back from Mr. Good Hair. If he says it sounds quiet enough to him, then I'll start dinking with the processing. Then I might actually (finally.......) have a usable studio. That only took, what, 3 or 4 months. Then I'll just have to find work to do in it.

 

One other thing I did last week while the power was off was go back to doing some prosperity exercises/affirmations from my Religious Science teachings. There are so many RS resources online now. Not like when I was actively involved in an RSI church back in 1993/4. I didn't even have a computer then. That may have even been pre-TV, come to think of it. At any rate, it was during that time I really learned and saw how (relatively) easy it was to draw prosperity to one's life. I have gotten hung up in a lot of surface stuff since then and kinda lost my way. So, it's back to those basic lessons and re-building from there.

 

My husband sees last week's power outage as some horrible event. More and more, I'm seeing as a positive thing for me on a lot of different levels. I just hope I can hang on to some of the things that bubbled up in my brain last week, and not just turn them down and numb them out with these plugged in distractions. I feel kind of detoxed in a way, weird as that sounds.

 

Alright, so today's pretty much a wash. Probably won't get much more than going to work done today. It is what it is.

[shes2smart]

A Little Something To Remember

 

It's not "I feel too crappy to exercise"...It's "I feel crappy because I haven't been exercising."

 

My traditional "no gym during the first 4 days of my period" happened right before the power-killing storms and resulting massive yard clean-up. My physical activity last week was cleaning up the yard. The gym was without power for several days as well. All of a sudden, it had been about 2 weeks since my last visit there. So, that's how we got to that.

 

It ended this morning and that's when I remembered....it's not "I feel too crappy to exercise," it's "I feel crappy because I haven't been exercising."

[shes2smart]

When Life Hands You Lemons...

 

I was driving to work yesterday and this thought occurred to me. This knack I have for getting through the crisis and eventually seeing it as a positive...not everyone has that. It's so much part of who I am and what I believe that I start to assume everyone does this.

 

Then I look around or just listen to people talking and I can see not everyone does.

 

F'rinstance, last summer I had my appendix removed. Surprise emergency surgery on a Friday night and I was back to work the following Tuesday. No laproscopic surgery, I had the tradtional 4" incision, but I was back at work and doing a remote the following Tuesday. I was back to all my normal activity about 2-3 weeks later, and realizing that I did feel better when I exercised on a regular basis. All my struggles about going to the gym/going for the right reasons (i.e. "being healthy" as opposed to "getting thin") vanished. Thanks to the enforced period of no activity because of the appendectomy surgery. Some people would've been off work for weeks and still would've complained they didn't feel right then.

 

There were just so many things along those lines that were coming up in my mind yesterday. And I think about the way other people struggle with similar situations and still look back on things as being all bad.....

 

I think this is part of what I can only describe as an evaluation of various things in my life. Obviously the big one is work and money. But ever so slowly, many other areas are being evaluated, too. I feel a strong pull back to when I was first learning about how our thoughts create our reality, and playing with those concepts and seeing the results.

 

What do I want? Where do I want to be? What do I want to create for myself?

 

Obviously it was something more than playing radio until I hit the lottery or amassed enough savings to retire or found some other safe bet. If that would've been enough, I'd still be there now. But I'm not. And it wasn't enough. And it hadn't been enough for longer than I care to admit.

 

Before the weekend of the power outage, I had posted a quote from a fortune cookie:

Trust your intuition. The universe is guiding your life.

 

That started it. What I saw transpire in the difference between how I dealt with the power outage and how my husband handled it continued it. There's a book I checked out of the library and began reading last week that is continuing it. My reconnection with the Religious Science/Science of Mind prayer line is continuing it. I can't quite see it yet, but I'm starting to be aware that a path is forming...that the "rest" I was writing about wanting/needing may not be as necessary as I thought. Or, alternately, that the time frame from when I got downsized to now-ish WAS my "rest" -- my time gather up, re-group, and get ready for the next step.

 

I left the gym this morning feeling closer to having some direction/motivation (although I couldn't really say what direction or motivation to do what)....and also wondering about companionship on the journey, and whether the destination was a shared one. I don't know. All I know is more and more areas are coming up for evaluation....much like packing for a trip, it feels like a place where I'm being asked to start figuring out what to take and what to leave behind and how much baggage I really want to drag with me for the next part of the journey.

 

Last week, when I was talking to my college ex, I was telling him how I was cutting back my availability for the part time job at the radio station. How I had been trying to appease both jobs on Saturdays by working 9-3 at the non-radio job then going and doing the Saturday night show on those days. I've been doing that since June and I think that's long enough for it to be a fair trial. This month...well, last week, really, was the last Saturday night show I agreed to do. I also very clearly spelled out what my availability was going to be from that point forward. I was relating all this to my ex-college bf and said, "Did you ever think you'd see the day when I'd be ready to leave radio?" We both agreed that it was hard to imagine that it would come to this -- the only thing keeping me there is studio access and the money. Cutting back my availability is a way of weaning off the money from that source. To see if I can do it. But it is a bit surprising to both of us that this day has come. There was a time where that was the love of my life. All else came second to being on the radio. It was a long time ago, and it was a different business back then. It's a shell of what it used to be and I'm not into being in love with corpses.

[shes2smart]

It's Ready

 

"It" being my studio. Finally heard back from Mr. Good Hair. There is still one minor issue, but he's going to see if he can figure out a no-cost solution for it for me. The only time it would be a problem, though, would be for dry voice narration -- stuff with no music/sound effects under it. For the things I envision my work being used for most of the time, it's perfectly usable as it is right now.

 

I thought we had longer to go, but then it dawned on me that the feedback I was getting on my sound files wasn't matching up to what I was hearing. Then it occurred to me that both of those reviewers were listening to my files in actual professional studios with decent speakers.....and I just had my computer speakers or average quality headphones. So I emailed myself a file to my station email and listened to it in one of the production studios when I was at the station Saturday. I couldn't tell a marked difference between what I'd recorded at home and what I could record at work. I'm not an audiophile by any stretch of the imagination (hence the checking with people who are), but it sounded quite usable to me. And Mr. Good Hair confirmed that.

 

So, I managed (with help) to assemble a usable home studio...and when I realized that it was like a HUGE weight off my shoulders. Like I'd gotten over some tremendous hurdle. Now the real work of finding work starts. But knowing I have a working studio has given me a burst of energy and optimism to get it done. I got an account at link removed, and have that set up and working. Mr. Good Hair suggested it (I think it was him, it's been a while), but I didn't feel comfortable setting it up until I had usable facilities at home. Mr. Good Hair (or whoever it was) said he's never really gotten much work from there, so I'm not expecting anything huge. But we'll file it under the category of "getting out there" and it also gives me a web address with audition files to put on business cards, letters, and so forth.

 

So, another step (although this may be more like a step-and-a-half) has been taken. Next step is calling the local ad agencies, video production houses, cable companies, TV stations and so forth and finding out if they ever have need of a voice-for-hire. That would also include bugging my friend/former boss who is now consulting radio stations about doing work for his clients. Somewhere in there, there will also be a trip to an office supply store for blank CDs, CD labels and business cards to print at home.

 

But what I need to do right now, today, is get dressed and head to the gym for a workout. If I don't take care of the physical body first, the rest of it gets much more difficult.

[shes2smart]

Excuse Me, WHAT?

I left the house to run a few errands. When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. It was . Wanted to know if I could go do an appearance for the station I haven't even been on since February because -- oh wait -- they're short-handed. Oh, did I mention it was an unpaid appearance....during the time I work at my non-radio job?

 

Lemme get this straight...you're asking me to go represent a station that I don't even work for anymore at an event to be attended by the general public for about 3-4 hours and NOT pay me for it at a time when I'm supposed to be at the employer who pays me to be there and work? Hmmm....give me a minute to think about that..... Ummm, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR ******* MIND?! Get lost. I emailed my (direct, yet politely worded) response. (Sorry, can't. Gotta be at my other job at that time.) I emailed because I don't think I could've been terribly polite on the phone.

 

You wanted to cut staff, you get to live with the results of that decision. It's not my job to bail you out because the sales person promised the client some air talent would be there....or however it came up. Is it just me or is this really freakin' whacked-out/over the line/inappropriate? Only in radio would they think this was a Good, Reasonable Idea. I have to believe most other businesses wouldn't even think of asking someone they downsized to help them out for nothing. Please, God, I'd like to keep the delusion that there are people out there who have the sense You gave them and actually, y'know, USE it when this kind of crap comes up.

 

It's a damn good thing I have a sense of humor so I can at least laugh at this. If I didn't, there'd probably be some sort of "disgruntled former employee unleashes wrath on workplace" story on CNN with my name all over it. Seein' as how there are no really good, recent pictures of me, I just can't have that right now. It'd be too easy to make me look like a complete psycho. I think it's more a case of they overstepped their boundaries and I didn't let them walk all over me.

[shes2smart]

OMG! I'm, Like, Working.....

 

This week I have sent out 3 auditions for projects on voice123. I have also started calling local video production houses. 10 today. Of those 10, I sent a voiceover demo to two of them, left messages with 6, and was told by the remaining two that they don't do stuff that requires voiceovers. But a guy at one of those places said that he occasionally gets calls from people looking for someone to voiceover stuff, so he said if I sent him a business card, he'd be happy to pass along my contact info.

 

This week I have also designed & printed business cards (good thing, too...seein' as how someone asked for them already) and CD labels for demos or projects that would be delivered on CD instead of via email. And I also changed the outgoing message on my cell phone's voicemail to an actual message instead of the standard generic greeting.

 

So I guess this is how it starts. Steps are being taken. I feel like I've Done Something. Let's hope it the sort of "somethings" that end up being good paying gigs.

[shes2smart]

!!!

 

On my answering machine when I got home from work last night, "Hi, this is from I got your message, and as a matter of fact, I do happen to have a small project and I was just thinking it might be better with a female voiceover instead of a male. It's nothing big, but if you are interested give me a call at "

[shes2smart]

Making The Time Go By

 

Ok, so, this is the first time I'm playing radio in 2 weeks, and guess what? I do not want to be here doing this on this station now. So, I'm writing to distract myself. Buck up, girlie...it's only a 4 hour shift.....

 

So, as of this morning, I've done 7 auditions for stuff at voice123 since they activated my premium subscription a week ago. I attended a webinar for new users of voice123, and judging by the whiny chat some of the other webinar attendees were posting, I gathered that not everyone gets the free trial subscription offer I got...let alone the extended trial. The initial email offered me 30 days free. When I responded with a "yes, please & thanks," I got a response from customer service that said they'd doubled it to 60 days. I kind of wonder why I got the special treatment, but I doubt I'd get a real answer if I asked. I suppose all the answer I really need is: You got the 60 days free because you needed to have that.

 

The webinar was mostly a waste of my time. It went over basic "how to use the site" things that I had already managed to figure out by using the site or reading the posted directions on how to use the site. It was interesting from the perspective of seeing some of the other folks attempting to use the site....seeing what questions they had or what complaints they had. I gotta say I left the webinar feeling more...oh....intelligent? talented? experienced? than most of the others in attendance. Yeah, a little bit of all those things. Maybe that's why I got the 60 day free trial and they didn't -- I'd already filled out my profile and uploaded a demo. It was pretty clear I've done this kind of work (and gotten paid for it) for a good chunk of my life already. I wasn't asking questions like, "Can I use the sample scripts on the site to make my demo reel?"

 

Yesterday when we had a couple of friends over for lunch. I work(ed) with the one guy at the radio station and his partner does some sort of computer work. We were having problems with our firewall at home, so my husband asked if radio station guy's partner knew anything about that. Radio station guy said that was exactly the kind of work his partner did. So we had them over, fed them lunch and radio station guy's partner fixed the firewall problem.

 

Out of nowhere, radio station guy's partner says to me, "If you want a website for your voiceover business, my company can do it." I had been pondering that, but hadn't gotten to the point of doing much with it yet. My main focus now is letting the local advertising/tv/video production community know who I am and that I am available and actually getting some work lined up. The website thing was back-burner but then, outta nowhere, the answer appeared. "I get by with a little help from my friends..." indeed.

 

It's little stuff like that -- the "right place, right time", things lining up together seamlessly -- they're like road signs to me. Road signs that say, "You Are Going The Right Way."

 

A few months ago, at another gathering with me, my husband, radio station guy & his partner and the guy who de-radioed my resume and his partner, radio station guy & his partner told me about a dessert they'd had at a Mexican restaurant. "Tres Leches Cake," they said, "You HAVE TO figure out how to make it!" they said, practically drooling as they described this rich, moist, sweet, creamy confection. So, I dug up recipes online, did a trial run about a week before we planned to have them over. Wasn't happy with the way the trial run came out. Did a little research, figured out what was the (likely) problem, made a second cake for their visit yesterday. Oh. My. God. I nailed it the second time. We sent them home with about half the cake, because we didn't need another whole one hanging around the house for a second week in a row.

 

I used the recipe I found here: link removed. Skipped the liqueur...don't have any in the house and couldn't see buying some just for this. Instead I garnished the top with a mixture of cocoa powder and cinnamon and that just pushed it over the top -- rich, moist, creamy, sweet with a little hint of chocolate and cinnamon. Not a good dessert choice for the lactose intolerant, though.....

 

My problem with the first run was the same problem I have with other cakes: After about a year of owning a KitchenAid mixer (aka "the $300 mixer"), I still haven't figured out how to do cakes in it. I overbeat the batter and the cake comes out tough and flat. Second cake I made I just used my 15 year old, paid-$5-for-it-brand-new hand mixer, and it was fine. I don't make cakes that often, so trying to figure out how to get them to come out right with the high-powered mixer....well...it's just quicker/easier to juse the hand mixer that I'm used to. I use the high-powered mixer for a lot of other stuff: cinnamon roll dough, bread dough, cookies, cream puffs, whipped cream, blah, blah, blah....just can't manage the cakes in it.

[shes2smart]

Small Victories

 

Small victory #1. Managed to pay all the bills again this month. House payment, done. Home warranty, done. Car insurance, done. Credit cards, done. Phone bill, done. The way we divide up stuff that's what I'm responsible for. My husband takes care of bills for gas, electric, cell phones (his idea, his bill), and internet. Still have close to $50...and a paycheck coming on Thursday.

 

Small victory #2. Checked the status of my project auditions at voice123 and there's one spot where I'm in the top 4. The voice seekers can rate your audition to give you feedback, and on this particular one I went from "maybe" when I checked on Sunday to "considering" today. It also tells you how many other voice123 auditions got the same rating, so it's down to me and 3 others for this gig. It's a $125 talent fee for a read for a TV spot. Not spending the $125 yet, but I'm taking it as a sign that me & my home-made studio are at a good enough level to compete in this venue. And that opens up a lot of opportunities.

 

Small victory #3. Called another 10 video production houses yesterday. Sent out 2 snail mail demos and 2 email demos. When we get into "normal business hours" here, the plan is to make another 10 calls today and another 10 calls tomorrow.

 

Small victory #4. Weighed myself at the gym yesterday. I seem to be holding consistent at "pre-marriage weight minus 11 pounds" now. At a time in life when most women are losing muscle mass, gaining weight and their menstrual cylces are becoming irregular, I am building muscle mass, losing weight and I'll be damned if my cycle hasn't been consistently about 4.5 weeks every time for the last year or so. Dammit, I'm doing it backwards.

 

Small victory #5. After about, what? A month and a half or so with the keyboard tray installed at work, my elbows and wrists like me again. Solved the various aches and pains I was having. It's amazing what a small adjustment like that will do. My chiropractor just looks at me with a sort of, "Well...duh!" expression when I express this sentiment.

 

There are other things going on that I could focus on and get myself worked up into a state about, but what good would it do? Focus on what's wrong and create more of the same? I think not. So, I will choose to focus on the above...the things that are right and good in my world and draw more of that my way.

 

The future I am heading for is the one where I get regular, good-paying freelance gigs and money is no longer an issue or a huge concern. I see myself there now.

 

My current read is "Harmonic Wealth" by James Arthur Ray link removed. It is a lot of the ideas I am already familiar with, spun in a slightly different way by a different author. The message I needed to hear at the time I needed to hear it, though. It took me a while to get into it though...first couple chapters I was fighting, "dang, this guy is such a huckster..." And he does have that sort of spin to things sometimes. But the ideas behind his particular "show" are solid, and after those first few chapters I was able to tune in more to the ideas than the flashiness to get peoples' attention.

 

Other road signs: So, I'm at the gym yesterday, and on my way to the weight machines from the cardio area, right in the middle of my path, not moving, positioned just so I had no choice but to see it, in large letters, on the back of some guy's t-shirt, the following quote:

"Put all excuses aside and remember this: YOU ARE CAPABLE." - Zig Ziglar

Like a message from God himself, I tell you.

[shes2smart]

That's It!

 

Yesterday, I got up, checked my email, found a few things to audition for, cut the auditions & sent them out, got showered & dressed, went to the radio station, cut a spot, came home, checked email, got the go ahead from one of the auditions I sent out in the morning plus another project to audition for, went to work, came home, got the specifics from the video production guy for the project I got chosen for, recorded it & sent it out.

 

Minus that part where I had to go to a job, that's basically what I'm after. Except more paying good paying gigs instead of mostly auditions. The 2 paying projects I did yesterday were $70 and $50. It's a start. As I start making more contacts, the fees for the projects should start going up and the sheer number of paying gigs should go up, too.

 

That's what I see. That's the future I see myself in.

 

As always, though, the present offers some diversions and things to get caught up in. Like the (potential) drama at work, that I am refusing to get sucked into/upset about. My boss keeps hiring other part-timers. Dunno why. After the last round he told me that was it, he was keeping it at me and two others. Then he hired two more people. Whatever. I'm not going to get my panties in a bunch over it. (although it is a temptation at times) And here's why I'm not going to get my panties in a bunch over it: my future is not there.

 

I like the work well enough, and I will do it to the best of my ability while I'm there. I am greatful to my boss for hiring me based on little more than the fact that he sorta knew my on-air persona. But, at its base, this job is not my future. It is where I'm supposed to be right now and for the foreseeable future. It is a thing that is making it possible for me to get where I am going. But it is not who I am nor is it where I will ultimately end up. And I refuse to get caught up in the petty, back-stabby, grabby, "there's not enough" BS that's already going on over who is getting more leads and who is going to contact the customer that just emailed in. We have one person in our midst who does not understand the concepts of sharing and taking turns, and that person is trying to get the rest of us involved in their crap. It takes two to play, and I just set my cards down and got up from the table, sweetheart.

 

What I spent yesterday doing (minus the "going to work" part)...THAT is where my future is. That's where my focus needs to be. That's what my efforts are working towards. Had I not had to go to work yesterday, I could've gotten in a gym trip, thus making the "picture of my future" day even more complete. In the complete version, I go to the gym, and I cut more than 2 paying gigs that add up to several times what I got paid yesterday.

 

I love that that James Arthur Ray book crossed my path a few weeks ago. It reminded me of so much I already knew and had used in the past. It helped me focus, which is what I needed. In the past few weeks, I've gotten my studio to a usable state and have begun using it.

 

The other night, I started reading over my entries on this thread from the last 6 months...right around the time I got downsized to now...and it seems like I've come so far in just these past 6 months. I realize I'm not exactly an unbiased observer, but it was kinda fascinating reading. Holy jinkies, kids...I can write and tell a story. What prevents me from Being A Writer (as in doing it as a job) is the fact that the only story I'm interested in telling is my own. I don't want to make stuff up and tell stories like, say, Stephen King or Jackie Collins. I don't want to do a lot of research and tell someone else's or something else's story. I just want to roll around my own head and explore the terrain there. I also don't particularly have the need/desire to tell a story to someone else. I was doing this long before the internet. I scribbled in notebooks no one but me (and sometimes my therapist) ever saw. It's faster for me to type now, though. Before here, I typed on Xanga. Before that, I typed in a word processing program. When we lost electricity for a week, I went back to scrawling in notebooks. Point being, I'd do this anyway even if no one else ever read it...because I'm not doing it for the benefit of anyone who happens to stumble accross and read it...I'm doing it for my own benefit, as I always have. As I was reading over the last 6 or so months, I had an uncharacteristically ego-driven, full-of-myself moment and caught myself thinking, "Damn. This is some really good reading."

 

Which served to further reinforce my opinion that the job I have now is a means to an end...but it is not the end itself, it's just one of the things that will get me to the next step to the real destination.

[shes2smart]

!!!, Part 2

 

Grab the mail out of the mailbox, and there was a check from this guy: . I cut that script on Thursday. Thursday. I figured it'd be the usual "bill the client then wait" routine. Nope. Got a check yesterday.

 

I also got a direct invitation for a project from a voice seeker on voice123. First direct invitation from a potential client and not from the project matching software. I'm gonna go cut that in a bit. Should take all of 5 minutes. They're offering $100. It's recording the messages for the company's phone/voicemail system. For $100, I can sound cheerful and sincere while saying things like, "Your call is very important to us. Please continue to hold and a representative will be with you as soon as possible."

 

Wow...I'm really doing this....

[shes2smart]

!!!, part 3

 

So,the past two or so weeks, I've been working my way through the local phone book calling video production houses looking for freelance voicework. I also have it on my list to call ad agencies, cable companies, tv stations and a couple other yellow pages categories. But I'm still working my way through the video production houses because there's so many of them.

 

I do about 10 calls at a sitting. That usually generates several "send me a demo" requests. That generally keeps me busy thrashing about writing personalized variations of my intro letter, emailing my demo in an mp3 file or burning a cd, printing a letter & packaging it up to send it snail mail, depending on what the person asked for. So that's been keeping me busy several mornings a week.

 

The guy on my answering machine who I recorded stuff for last Thursday and who paid me Saturday was actually the first video production house I called. Today, I got 2 emails and a call from another guy I sent a demo to last week. Gonna go talk to him tomorrow. He's got some stuff he thinks I'd sound good on, so we're off to learn more tomorrow.

 

My husband is so geeked by all of this, which is really cool. He pointed out that I'd been actually been talking about doing this on and off since I met him. That was news to me. I mean, I never really noticed it. He thinks I've had it kinda had it cooking in the back of my mind for a very long time now, but never had the proper motivation ("Oh my God I'm not a full time wage slave anymore!") to really actively pursue it. I'd always talk myself out of it -- it was too expensive/complicated to set up a studio at home, or I didn't have space, or I didn't want to deal with people not paying me, or I didn't know how to go out and find stuff to work on and blah blah blah. All excuses. And none I really had to challenge because I had the comfy/easy full-time gig that paid well enough. But now it's challenge the excuses and overcome them or go find a job that the greatest enthusiasm I could show for was, "Well.....I guess I could do that...."

 

For years, I have had people in the radio & ad biz tell me that good female voices for voiceover work were difficult to come by and I could make a ton of money pursuing those opportunities because I got blessed with a great set of pipes (if I do say so myself) and the ability to read without sounding like I'm reading. I remember Mr. Good Hair telling me years ago it was a shame I didn't pursue freelance stuff more, because he was really tired of getting EVERY project in that area because she was the only gal out there actively marketing herself at the time. I shoulda listened to him then, but I was still stuck in my own excuses and my easy comfort zone of full time employment.

 

I have always had that ability to read aloud and not sound like I'm reading. I can remember in high school, they'd sometimes have us read things aloud in English classes....plays mostly....and without even pre-reading, I could just rattle stuff off in a conversational manner. That's something that's just hard-wired into my brain and I can't imagine NOT being able to do that. Yet, over the years, I've seen plenty of evidence that not everyone can do that.

 

And oddly enough, on this very blog, one of those prophetic throwaway lines I am a legend in my own mind for ---

Oh, and one freelance job that I did the other day. Happened to be on one of my husband's days off, so he went to the studio with me. spot. Was given a copy of the script, glanced at it, started recording, read it once and nailed it in exactly 30 seconds with the read the client wanted. It took me more time to drive to the studio than to do the work. My husband said he was impressed that I could do that with no pre-read of the copy.

 

Yeah, that's what I do. That's what I'm good at.

from here

 

And now it IS what I do for a living.

 

And soon, it'll be enough that it'll be the ONLY thing I'll need to do for a living -- if I choose to.

[shes2smart]

That Was........Different

 

I don't quite know what to make of this meeting I had this morning. If this guy is the real deal, then I will look back on today as my incredibly "lucky" break and I'm about to launch into levels of professional success that I haven't even dared to consider. If he's not, I just got a lot of sunshine blown up my skirt and while it gave me a momentary warm feeling, it doesn't pay the bills.

 

On the plus side, he's not charging me anything so....

 

I'm just not sure who to talk to see if he's what he says he is. If he is on the up and up, we're cool.

 

I dunno. I just got home and I have a lot to process and I'm hungry.

 

If he is for real, then I'm better at this "reading scripts" thing than I thought.....

[shes2smart]

Details

 

Yesterday was weird. Probably one of the weirder work experiences I have had, and that's saying something.

 

Basically, I had a 2 hour business meeting with a guy in a bathrobe who insists I'm one of the best female voices and have one of the best deliveries he's heard in a long while. Even as I'm writing this, I'm watching the replies from his business associates come in because he sent my demo around to his best business buddies.

 

For the last, oh, 3 or so months I've had this set of affirmations taped on the wall next to the bathroom mirror. At morning and at night while I'm brushing my teeth or fiddling with my contacts, I read and re-read that set of affirmations. One of them says something along the lines of "the right people are aligning with me to help me." And then bathrobe guy shows up. Ok, ok...maybe I'm partially to blame about the bathrobe. He had asked me to call when I started heading to his place, and I forgot. We had set a time, and I just figured I'd show up at that time. Had I called when I left home, it might've been different, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and take some responsibility for that one.

 

Basically, I like the guy's style. Trust is something that builds over time, but so far, his words and actions match up. (He said he'd contact people on my behalf and he has) I've also checked on a couple other things he said and they meshed up. Although I feel kinda weird looking up stuff on the county auditor's website to do verification. Snoop much, m'dear?

 

He is one of those people that you either really like or loathe. I don't think there's any in-between with him because he definitely has his own way of doing things. I respect that. And on some level, I was thinking, "Dammit. Now that's it. I want to make my living in such a way that if I wanted to lounge around in my bathrobe all day, I could and it would be just fine, thanks."

 

But still, it was weird. If I try to put that in the context of "other people's lives/experience" it's really weird. If I look at it through my life....eh, it's definitely not the weirdest situation I've found myself in. But even while I was sitting there, part of me was thinking, "Holy crap, this is gonna make a great story later. If it turns out to be something that leads to bigger things, it's gonna be a really great story."

 

I gotta say, though, having someone who's been in that line of work (video/audio production for various corporate and commerical uses) for as long as this guy has be that geeked about a demo that was just some of what I thought were my better spots cut together...it's a huge boost. Huge enough that I don't trust it? Eh, maybe a little.

 

It was a big enough boost that it was really, really difficult to go to the part-time office job yesterday afternoon and be ok with it, like I have been. I got there at the usual time and started doing the stuff they pay me for, and part of my head was screaming, "You're better than this $10 an hour, type crap into a database, answer customer emails, set appointments and put up with petty, grabby BS over appointments stuff....What ARE you doing here?" I didn't quite jump up in my cube and yell, "Dammit! Can't you see I'm a STAR?!" and storm out....at least not for real. In my head, I guess I was doing some voiceover artist version of that.

 

Then I look at my supervisor. The guy who did me a favor and gave me a job when I needed one because he happened to know the radio me. And I tell myself to lose the attitude, because this guy helped you in a more tangible ($) way than bathrobe guy has. Oh, he may not have told you what a great VO talent you are and pumped up your ego until it was too big for the room, but for God's sake he gave you a freakin' job that's allowed you to make your house payment every month for the last 5 months and he's a decent guy to work for. So show a little gratitude here and don't go all pain-in-the-butt diva.

 

It was still a long shift, though.

 

These are some strange times I'm living in. Hearing from various sources how good I sound and how good my delivery is, ("Did you have someone coaching you on those spots? No? You put the emphasis in all the right places. It wasn't like you were reading that script, it was like you were saying something you believed!") and then I go spend 6 hours a day doing a job that requires no thinking really and very little talent beyond being able to type and answer a phone.

 

It's not terribly comfortable...and on some level, I know that's good. Because it's proof that I'm creating things and situations and drawing people to me who will help me get where I want to go. Even if where I want to go is only as far as down the hall to my own studio in my freakin' bathrobe.

[shes2smart]

A Long-Overdue Apology

 

The sound of just the guitar and drums in this song is, like, the sound of my life right now. A mix of moving forward out of some really horrendous stuff with some gritty toughness and weirdly optimistic and almost joyful at the same time.

 

When I first got on the Internet, one of the first things I looked up was Big Country. They had been a favorite band from my college days. One of the first things I bought online was a couple of their CDs. I had owned the vinyl records back in the day. Anyway, I found a place to buy their 2nd and 3rd albums on CD as imports. It was a real splurge for me. When their 2nd album came out, I couldn't really get into it...but when I bought the CD and listened to it some 15 or so years later, I finally got it. I got why their other fans and critics thought so highly of it.

 

I posted about this revelation of mine on a BC message board. And a short while later I got an email from Stuart Adamson. And here's where the apology comes in. I was a complete snot in my reply and I squandered....wasted....blew...an oppourtunity to have connected with someone whose work connected with me. In my defense, I had no way of knowing if the email was really from Stuart Adamson or if it was just someone f'ing around with message board people. But, still, I could've been a more gracious recipient instead of coming from a place of suspicion and thinking the worst of people.

 

This, quite literally, did not really dawn on me until I was at the gym Tuesday doing my yoga...some 10 years after the post on that BC message board and the resulting e-mail. Out of nowhere, it popped up in my head, "Wow. You blew it. What if it really was him?" That was the day before my meeting with bathrobe guy. Heck, that probably woulda been right around the time bathrobe guy was leaving a message on my voicemail that resulted in that meeting. Now it's even creepier that popped into my head. Creepier still if you realize that Stuart is no longer with us on the physical plane, having killed himself in 2001.....

 

Sometime in July, I got it in my head to listen to sort the contents of my ipod alphabetically by song title. Then I started wondering how long it would take to listen to all of it. So, I thought I'd find out. I use the ipod mostly in the car during my 25 minute commute to and from work and for about an hour at the gym. I've only made it into the K's, and Killiecrankie (song linked above) came up on my way home Wednesday night, and was the first thing that came up when I got back in the car yesterday. This showed up on an album of theirs called "Under Cover" which was the band doing other artists' songs. Since there's not any original material of theirs on it, it's not an album I listened to much, so I'm not sure I ever even heard this song before yesterday. I'm, like, stuck on it now.

 

And I'm, like, stuck on the sequence of events - that this out of nowhere apology to Stuart idea cropped up on the day before this song popped up.

 

I have no doubt that some people will read this and think I'm a bubble or more off plumb....some sort of whacked-out, New Agey, hocus-pocus, fuzzy thinking freak...that I'm trying to find some connection between a couple of random events. But I don't believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a reason, and it is all connected....

 

I promised him I'd write an entry about this, although I know I'm writing it more for myself than anything. I have been listening to a continuous loop of Killiecrankie while writing this because it felt like that's what needed to be done. Because, for the next portion of my life, I believe this is the sound of it.....

[shes2smart]

I

 

Mr. Good Hair's been doing the freelance VO thing full time for, oh, 10-15 years now. When I got downsized, it was his example that gave me an idea of what I wanted to do. When I started building my studio, it was his feedback (along with the station's engineer) through countless rounds of "here, listen to this" "here, look at this pic of the settings on my mic processor" "here, listen to this now" that got it to a usable condition.

 

Today, I will be getting on a conference call with Mr. Good Hair and an HR person from to cut audio for an HR training video. Mr. Good Hair has done a lot of VO/production work with them before, but they wanted a female voice for some of the narration this time. This will be my first project for 1) a national client and 2) a non-commercial corporate video.

 

And I will do this all without leaving my house, without having to "dress to impress", without having to sit through some uncomfortable meeting and make nice. And I will get paid a couple hundred dollars for this.

 

To Mr. Good Hair, I give thanks. To the Universe, I affirm more of this, please & thanks.

 

And so it is.

[shes2smart]

Over 11 Million (War)Crack-heads

 

link removed

 

IRVINE, Calif. - October 28, 2008 - Blizzard Entertainment, Inc. announced today that the subscribership for World of Warcraft®, its award-winning massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG), now exceeds 11 million players worldwide. This milestone was reached as the beta test for Wrath of the Lich King®, World of Warcraft's second expansion, nears completion. Wrath of the Lich King will launch in several regions around the world starting on November 13.

 

Resistance, as they say, is futile.

[shes2smart]

I

 

He knows my situation. Because of that, he's going to go ahead and pay me himself instead of having me bill the client and w-a-i-t. He'll include my talent fee in his bill for production so they only have to pay one bill and he said he'd just send me a check next week. I know he's good for it. Between that and a good sized bonus at work, I may actually make it through November without having to dip into savings. Woot!

 

I also got an email from Mr. Good Hair this evening that said the client (a national company!) was really happy with what I did. Double woot!

 

Just as I was arriving at work this afternoon, still giddy from doing the voiceover work from home for (national company), my cell phone started ringing. It was a company that got my phone number off voice123 and was calling to see if I'd be interested in doing their on-hold phone system messages. They had it narrowed down to me and two other people they found on voice123 and decided to call all three prospective candidates directly to do a sort-of interview. They want this to be an on-going relationship, so they wanted to "meet" each of the voices they were interested in. I had a nice chat with them for 10 or 15 minutes and they ended by asking for my email address to send me a demo script, which I cut for them when I got home tonight.

 

I think back to where I was 6 months ago...the end of April...and where I am now. And I'm still a ways out from that 1-2 year time frame all those things I read cited as being the average amount of time people who were downsized/laid off/changing careers got settled into their new path. It'll be interesting to see where this takes me. So far, it's been pretty good...promising. Both in terms of having a gig with a steady check and launching the freelance work.

 

I still marvel at the fact that I have only had 2 migraines that needed to be medicated away in the last 6 months. Our bodies don't know how to lie. That last year I worked in radio full time I was starting to approach two-migraines-a-month territory. My body knew staying there was making me sick...and it tried to tell me that in the only way it could -- by making itself physically sick. I also don't miss dealing with Mr. Martyr. That's another topic that would take a really, really long time to get into...and it's just not worth it.

 

Life is lived forward. Putting the car in drive then constantly looking behind you only creates wreckage...so, I'm keeping my focus on what's ahead of me, not what's behind me.

[shes2smart]

Get Out While The Getting Is Good

 

Yup. As if all the positive things that are happening with my freelance voiceover endeavor aren't enough of a sign that getting out of radio is the right thing to do, lemme tell ya about a guy I know.

 

He is one of the other folks who was let go around the same time and for the same reasons I was decided to look for another radio gig. "What else am I gonna do?" he said, during the last few days we were working there full time.

 

After 2 months on the beach, he landed a gig doing mornings in a decent-sized market several states away. Great for him. All seemed well.

 

Until this week. The company that hired him is doing a nationwide house-cleaning at all of its stations. People -- mostly on-air people -- are being cut from the payroll in all their markets. He was one of the casualties. He'd only been on the air there for 3 months. He may have a contract. Not that it means anything with that company. They have a reputation for writing their employment contracts with on-air talent in such a way that they rarely have to pay anything if you are asked to leave. For his sake, I hope it's a different story with his contract (if he had one at all).

 

I'd like to say this "move several states away and get canned in 3 months" scenario is only due to the crappy economy, but it's not. Stuff like that is the norm in radio. Always has been. The reasons (excuses) for disrupting people's lives like that change, but that kind of thing has ALWAYS gone on. It's never happened to me, but right off the top of my head I can name about a half dozen radio people I know personally who it HAS happened to.

 

This is what loving "being on the air" gets us. It puts us in prime position to be used, abused, overworked, underpaid, taken advantage of and tossed out like trash when they have no use for us anymore. I've seen it happen to too many people over the years. Oh, admittedly some deserved it -- their egos were too big for the room and/or they were just hell to work with -- but many of them, too many, weren't like that at all. And their getting tossed out came down to reasons that had little to do with them or their performance.

 

Yet again, the business gets in trouble and the first place they cut is on air staff. Hey! Let's run a radio station with no on-air people! It'll be great! Brilliant. Just f'n brilliant.

 

Today, I finished & posted my phone system/voice-on-hold demo at voices and voice123. I sent out my audition for that voice on hold gig I got called about yesterday. I sent the paper trail (invoice) to Mr. Good Hair for the work I did with him yesterday. I emailed a talent agency that bathrobe guy from last week introduced me to. And I made cream puffs for a potluck. It's been a productive morning.

[shes2smart]

Woot!

 

In my email when I got home last night

Hi , I would like to Thank you for your quick response on this, and let you know that our VP of marketing has picked you to do our phone system greetings.

 

This is the company that called me last week to audition with a couple other people they were interested in. I got the gig. Ya hear that? I. Got. The. Gig.

 

Woot.

[shes2smart]

So, You Think You Can Bake A Potato?

 

Yeah, I did too. How hard could it be?

 

But somehow the baked potatoes at some restaurants always tasted better than what I made at home. The skin and outer layer of potato were kinda crispy and very tasty with some salt stuck to the skin...the inside was all fluffy, soft potato goodness.

 

Then I found this on Food Network's site: link removed

 

Trust me on this...if you're not doing it Alton Brown's way, you do not know how to bake a potato.