Wonderland

[shes2smart]

The Dial's Growing Dimmer

 

Another round of cuts...but there were no Inauguration Day festivities to hide behind...only the panic about Swine Flu. link removed

 

And elsewhere...link removed. This is the same company where the employees were asked to give up performance bonuses, but the top-of-the-food-chain corporate guys still took theirs.

 

I may be squeaking by, but I'm not living with that kind of stupidity, stress and constant fear, by God....and for that I'm thankful.

 

Another thought I had: If I can make a go of the freelance voiceover thing in this for-crap economy, just imagine what I can do when things start turning around....

 

Then again, the Swine Flu (soon-to-be) pandemic may sweep through and kill us all, rendering all of this moot.

 

Captain Trips, anyone?

[shes2smart]

"You'll Have To Work Harder"

 

So, I heard from someone I know who is still employed in radio...at one of the companies referenced in the last entry.

 

They had a meeting at her location to announce the "changes" and that's what the GM told them -- "You'll have to work harder." As if the remaining people weren't already doing what used to be 2 or 3 or 4 or more full time jobs already. The sad part is there was a time when I would've heard a speech like that and would've believed it and felt lucky to still be there.

 

Now I think "What a load of cow manure" and "Wow, I'm glad I'm not there."

 

"You'll have to work harder." As if they were all slacking. As if that would be any guarantee that would spare them if/when there's another round of cuts.

 

If you love what you do as much as I used to love being on the air, it's so incredibly easy for employers to take advantage of you. Your passion for a job/work will eventually come back and bite you in the ass....especially if you throw in with people who have absolutely no problem taking advantage of your talent and who think backstabbing is an art worthy of practice and development.

 

I can't believe they had the nerve to say that....after the second round of job cuts this year....after asking employees to pass on contract-specified bonuses (while the corporate honchos took thiers). "You'll have to work harder."

 

Yeah, I decided to "work harder"....for myself.

[shes2smart]

My Different World

 

Proof that I am living in a much different (and improved) work reality.

 

I told my supervisor about the two above-referenced radio companies...about the second round of job cuts this year at one company and the mandatory 5 day unpaid time off at the other. I also told him about my friend's email and the "You'll have to work harder" speech.

 

My supervisor looked at me, dumbfounded, and said, "You're kidding, right? They're not really doing that stuff, are they? They really treat people like that?"

 

Oh, I'm serious as a heart attack, unfortunately...and, yes, they ARE doing that stuff.

 

He's worked at the office gig place for a little over a decade. Prior to that, he ran his own business (his wife runs it now). He can't believe a company would do stuff like that, then turn around and tell their remaining employees they have to "work harder."

 

I worked in radio for 25 years. I'm not surprised that a company is doing stuff like that and telling everyone still there they have to "work harder"....and I have a hard time believing what an employer tells me.

 

Yeah. The world outside radio is certainly different.

[shes2smart]

Crazy Busy...In A Good Way

 

After 4 weeks of silence, my ongoing educational client popped up with a HUGE project that will take up most of the month. The silence was apparently the point in the project where the course writers and course reviewers were doing their thing. So far I've had 9 hours of billable time for them this week (most of which was in the last 2 days)....at $20 per hour. Today I'm "off" and we start with the next segment tomorrow.

 

Yesterday I went to lunch with the engineer who put together my studio and another guy who was one of the first budget-cut casualties about a year and a half ago. It was interesting. Still sifting through my observations about the conversation. The budget-cut guy was someone who I found intriguing while I was working in the same place, but there wasn't really any good context to get to know him any better. At that point, the stations were fairly separate with separate air staffs, and I wasn't on his station. He has a similar sense of humor to mine (as does the engineer), so lunch was round upon round of "who's got the quickest, most clever insult." Because in this crowd, you only diss the ones you love. People you don't like aren't worth the brain power to come up with something witty and clever.

 

Sunday, I planted stuff in my vegetable garden. I got 2 roma tomato plants, 2 green bell pepper plants, 1 basil plant and this year's experiment is cantaloupe. After last year's Broccoli Experiement Disappointment (it didn't taste any different/better than what I could buy in the grocery store), I decided to go the melon route. I had to plant the cantaloupe from seed, though....and I have seen evidence that I may be fighting squirrels, so I will consider it a small sucess if anything even sprouts. I probably do not have enough room for melon-growing. But I saw a post online that indicated you could train the melon vines to climb up a fence or trellis. You later have to create some sort of hammock or support for any fruit that forms on the climbing vines, but I'll figure that out when/if it becomes necessary. So I'm aiming at a combination of climbing up the chain link fence that's along 2 sides of the raised bed and trailing in between the peppers & tomatoes.

 

The catnip sprang to life several weeks back, as did the oregano. When I first planted the catnip (2 years ago), everything I read warned about it beeing a weed and it would take over your entire garden plot. I didn't read anything about the oregano spreading like a bad rash, which is exactly what it's doing. Heck, I thought oregano was an annual, so I was shocked to see it come back last year. Ever since the big pine tree in the neighbor's back yard fell over in a wind storm last winter, my raised bed gets a lot more sun. The oregano appears to *really* like that. It's not so bad right now, but could develop into a problem down the road. It's not like I'm working with a ton of space in the first place, here....

[shes2smart]

Gaining The Mr. Good Hair Stamp Of Approval

 

He emailed yesterday and asked me to read for a couple spots. (and he ended up talking the client into hiring me for both of them) That's in addition to the every-other-week grocery store spots we're doing. I sent him one of my direct mail pieces when I first got them back in February. He complimented me on it when he got it....but a couple weeks ago, out of nowhere, he wrote that he was looking at it again and he wanted to let me know that he *really* liked what I did -- it looked good and was eye-catching and simple to understand.

 

Between that and the semi-regular work he's been throwing my way, I feel like it's some sort of acknowledgement from him...a rite of passage...a stamp of approval. Like, I'm good enough to be doing this and he's seen that I'm serious about it.

 

It seems like it's not going to matter how old I get, things will often times go back to a teacher-student dynamic for me.

 

********

 

So, there's this sort of communication technique/sales technique....if you have something critical or some not-so-great message to deliver to someone that you sort of sandwich it between some complimentary things. It supposedly "softens the blow" or something like that. When this technique is used on me, all I can think is, "Uh....just how STUPID do you think I am?" Don't kiss my ass then punch me in the gut. Cut to the chase, say whatever it is you really want to get accross and let's get on with our lives, shall we?

 

Someone tried to use that technique on me yesterday. It irritated me. A lot. Considering what I did/do for a living, I can't decide if it's surprising or predictable how much I detest being sold/marketed to. I called them on the BS and told them it really wasn't necessary and was, in fact, just pissing me off. Much moreso than if they had just dropped the ass-kissy part and just gotten to the real adgenda.

 

Y'know, I guess that's why I'm friends with the former Mrs. Be A Writer. She didn't bother with the social niceties and so on. "Yeah, I know...I'm married to him." It was a shock at the time, but even as I was stunned and a bit jealous, I had to admire the girl's spine. She had one. Still does. Knew that bit of info had to be delivered and did it quickly and cleanly. There aren't many people who'll do that.

 

Oh, look...approved scripts arriving in my email. I suppose I should, like, work or something....

[shes2smart]

"This Was The Week It Turned The Corner"

 

I would love to be able to say that about this past week in a year from now.

 

Today, I had some fairly hefty projects to work on from my ongoing education client, plus a couple spots Mr. Good Hair lined up for me yesterday. Over the course of the day today, my ongoing educational client yanked a project from another VO person because they were going too slow and they need completed audio by Monday. They gave it to me, so I'm looking at another 9 or so hours work from them in addition to what I had already.

 

I work fast and I don't pad my hours. If it makes the other VO people they're using look bad, oh, well.

 

While I was doing that, one of the people I sent a direct mail piece to back in March needed a quick for TV audio. I also got a direct invitation to audition for a project on v123. (That means a voice seeker asked me, specificially, to read for their project instead of the usual open casting call)

 

So, yeah. This is what my days will look like. On a regular basis. Sooner rather than later.

[shes2smart]

Something To Remember

 

On the weekly update of v123 rankings:

 

Based on the rankings you have received for your submitted auditions and proposals during the past year, we have calculated an link removed of 269.63 for you.

 

 

Your audition/proposal ranking score is greater than the ranking score of 87% of all Premium Subscribers (87 link removed)

 

I got up to 86% once, then it bounced around a bit. Usually hanging out in that 80-84% area. But I thought I'd copy & save the 87%, just because. Far as I know, no one else can see this ranking...not voice seekers, not other talent.

 

They like me, they really like me.

 

On that note, I'm going to bed.

[shes2smart]

The Birthday That Kinda Wasn't

 

The passing of my 45th birthday was something of a non-event.

 

The people at the office gig made a big deal out of it. Seems like that's what they do there. My department got me a cake and a card...and there was another card signed by all the other departments in the building. There's someone at one of the other locations that sends out a daily e-mail with people's birthdays and employment anniversaries for all the locations, so even when I was on the phone with people at the other locations it was like, "Oh, hey - happy birthday!"

 

So we were having cake in my department and they were all whooping it up and I was thinking, "Wow. This is kinda sad." Sad as in "boo-hoo" sad and sad as in a bit pathetic. I know they meant well. And I know this is just my own weirdness. I dunno...I think of all the time I spent working in radio and the only time my birthday was a big deal was when one of my listeners made a big deal of it. The guy owned a company that would put up these big custom yard signs for people's birthdays and anniversaries and graduations and stuff. And he put one up in front of the station for my birthday one year. But as for my previous co-workers, nothing.

 

My husband sent me an e-mail at work about halfway through the afternoon saying "happy birthday" and he stopped in on his way home with a hot chocolate from Starbucks for me. The place where he works is right by where I work and I work about 2 hours later than he does. But that was about it from him.

 

I spent yesterday morning doing more audio editing for my on-going educational client and finished up the current segment of this project they've got for me. There are 4 other segments that need to be completed by the end of the month, but the remaining ones are not quite ready to be voiced yet, so I get a bit of a break before I get slammed again. So, I didn't even do anything special or out of the ordinary for myself this year.

 

I remember when I was single and my birthday was a big deal. I'd take myself out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. If it was a weekend night, I'd go to the track and blah, blah, blah. But not this go 'round. It's like I couldn't be bothered to celebrate...and neither could anyone else. I mean, the people at the office gig are like that about EVERYONE'S birthday, so it's not like they were doing anything out of the ordinary for me. That's just their culture there.

 

Given my general overview of holidays, it's not like I seek out or expect some sort of big celebration. I don't decorate or anything for Christmas or stuff like that. I don't have a "Gimme" list of gifts I want for Christmas or my birthday or Valentine's Day or any of those other gifty occasions. Other than "some financial and job stability," I can't really tell you anything gifty that I'd want. I mean, I could use some new sweatpants and a bathrobe. The ones I have now are a bit threadbare and worn, seeing as how I've had them for a long, long time. But my husband appears to be somewhat loathe to buy "practical" type gifts. He's somehow got it in his head that he has to come up with something "creative" or something. When the fact of the matter is I'd be just as happy not having to spend my own money on a bathrobe. He tells me I am hard to buy for. That's because he's trying too hard....and he's listening to these other sources (ads, the guys he works with, their wives/gfs, what his ex used to tell him) and not the definitive, authoritative source on me. Which would be...oh, wait...me.

 

This is not really about not getting any "stuff" for my birthday. I am all too aware of the reality of our financial situation these days and it's better that we don't engage in any non-necessary spending. But it just seemed like something was really missing and "not right" about my birthday this year. Don't ask me what it is because even after a day of trying to puzzle it out, I still don't know. It seemed like such a non-event, yet I'd be irritated/uncomfortable if people paid too much attention and made too big a deal out of it.

 

I think part of the problem is I didn't even do anything special for myself -- I spent the morning editing audio (working at one job), then went to the office gig (working at the other job), ate some cake then came home. It was pretty much a normal day for me (well, except the cake part).

 

We are going out of town this weekend. I'm still not convinced this road trip is a good idea from a financial standpoint, but he wants to go to this comic convention, so we're going. We went to this same thing 2 years ago and I wound up having a really bad migraine and hoping I wasn't going to have my head explode and die like some D-list celebrity on a self destructive drug/alcohol bender in a Red Roof Inn. We've made arrangements to meet up with Mr. Good Hair during this road trip, and that will be nice and all...but part of me kinda just wants to stay home and not spend the money on gas & hotel and have a couple days of eating just restaurant food hoping my gallstones don't attack.

 

When I was driving home tonight, I heard a song that was popular (hugely popular) when I was in college. For a few brief moments I could imagine myself as I was back in 1983-84 when it was out -- I could see the car I drove back then, the places I used to drive -- but it's not my home anymore...and while I may still have some commonality with that person I was back then, there's also much that is radically different and permanently changed.

 

Ever try looking for something missing when you have no idea what it is or when it might've gone missing or when you even saw it last? That's what my life is feeling like on this 45th birthday that was pretty much a non-event.

[shes2smart]

Road Trip

 

In the village where I grew up

Nothing seems the same

Still you never see the change from day to day

And no-one notices the customs slip away

-Al Stewart "On The Border" ]

 

So this was the weekend of the big road trip. We left on Friday and the plan was to meet up with Mr. Good Hair for dinner Friday night. We did that. I'm still processing those several hours.

 

We were trying to figure out when we last actually saw each other, and our best guess was around 10 years ago. He looked pretty much like I remember. Thinner. A little less hair (but still retains the nickname), but still mostly like I remember him. Met his SO who joined us for dinner. His SO is a really cool guy as well. It felt like a different level of interaction...more personal, less business.

 

18 years ago (give or take) I had a really intense, almost teenage-ish, crush on this guy. Last Friday, I was having dinner with him and his SO and my husband. In the aftermath of my downsizing, he figuratively took me by the hand and led me out of that screaming black hole of panic when I had no idea what to do next. When I think about how I met him, and review nearly 2 decades of on-and-off interaction, it's somewhat mind-boggling.

 

It's kinda hard to carry on a conversation when you have to keep reminding yourself that you have to do more than just sit there and stare and try to burn these moments into your brain so you can hang onto them. We talked about people we'd worked with over the years...so many of them. He's about 5 years older than me and was in the business about that much earlier than I was, but we had a lot of overlap. Whatever it was that I was attracted to 18 years ago, I could still see/feel/sense...but I'd be hard-pressed to really put my finger on what, exactly, it was.

 

We also managed to see my friend R. He joined us at the racetrack. The trainer/driver I had my horses with & his girlfriend were not racing there this weekend, but we decided to go anyway. A different company owns the place now than when I was racing there, and they've made some pretty big changes. Tearing down most of the barns on the backstretch. They were in pretty bad (read "dangerous") condition anyway...it needed to be done. Still it was weird looking beyond the racetrack and not seeing the barn roofs. I wonder if they still let people stable there anymore or if it's all ship-in. Anyway, we walked around there in between races and I commented that while I wasn't seeing anyone I knew, all the people looked familiar.

 

After the live racing was done, we went to get some dessert with R and sat at Big Boy for a couple hours, talking about one thing and another. I've known R for a little longer than I've known Mr. Good Hair. R is also about 5 years older than me. And I think about how, in some ways, the people we know hold up a mirror and show us our own reflections. In these two people I've known for the better part of two decades, I got a lot reflected back at me this weekend...and it was surprisingly (to me) deep and complex and good.

 

If what others wish for us holds any sway with the powers that be, there are amazing, good things headed my way. I came away from these interactions thinking, "Dang...both of these guys really, y'know, love me." Not the sugar-rush of romantic love....but something else. Something that's more durable and solid and sees stuff in you that you don't necessarily see yourself.

 

For a couple days, the stuff that's been stressing me out for the last year fell away. For a couple days I wasn't on a computer at all. For a couple days, I was reminded where I had been and who I had been.

 

And I got to eat some really good Lebanese food.

[shes2smart]

Random Kitchen Observation

 

So, the entire time I've been living with my husband, more often than not, I could tell when he'd been cooking because there'd be a mess of stuff on the stove. He is fond of the "Boil Over" method of cooking. (That would be turning the burner higher than it needs to be, then walking away until you hear it boiling over) And despite my showing him how much easier it is to wipe up spills when they are still fresh, he rarely would.

 

The last dinner party we had (in Februrary) he ended up cleaning the stove top because I was busy with food prep. So, for the first time, he got to experience the "joy" of scrubbing up all the dried, burnt-on remants of his spills and boil overs. At the time he commented that he had no idea how much of a pain in the butt it is to clean up that crap.

 

I was cooking tonight's dinner earlier and noticed that it is now May, and the stove top is still quite clean.

 

Amazing.

[shes2smart]

What Finally Ended Up Out There

 

Roma tomatoes (2 plants)

Green bell peppers (2 plants)

Cantaloupe (2 plants, after a failed attempt at starting from seed)

Basil (1 plant)

Catnip (can't kill it.)

Oregano (spreading like a bad rash)

 

I am making the effort to be more interested in it than I was last year. I cut myself some slack because there were a lot of other things going on last year and growing a few tomatoes and peppers was understandably low on the list of priorities. It simply wasn't enough of a distraction to overshadow the employment crisis.

 

I was looking at my blog from around this time last year. In the, "Huh. What about that?" department: Apparently I talked to my friend R on May 16 of last year, too. Kinda weird. Just comparing the content of those two conversations that occurred exactly one year apart shows me how far I've come. The one commonality, though, is the sense of wonder that comes from talking to someone you've known for that long and realizing that even after all that time and all the things that have happened, they still like you. I mean, you don't get to have that with everyone you develop a friendship with. (like the fallout from us leaving our old guild/server) It occurs to me that some people may not get to have that at all. I not only have it...but I have it with 5 people I can name right off the top of my head. Lucky me.

 

But, yeah, a year ago around this time. What a difference. I'm not quite where I want to be, but I'm in a better spot than where I was a year ago. Progress has been made, and, really, what more could one reasonably ask for? I mean, I didn't languish on unemployment for months on end and turn my nose up at any job I was offered. Really, what with my office gig being part time, there have probably been more weeks than not where unemployment would've paid me more...but I'd rather be working.

 

Given that, the idea I had about taking a year off is somewhat laughable now, isn't it? Could I really not do much of anything for that long? I'd like to think I could, but the fact of the matter is I probably couldn't. I see other people who actually do that and I don't get it. I'd get bored and have to do something. I like the structure a job (even a part time job) gives to my day. I kinda wonder how the full-time freelance would work with that. I mean, am I at the point where creating my own structure would be enough? (I'd hazard a guess that I'm not there yet because...well...I'm not there yet....but I'm moving that direction.)

 

Speaking of moving in directions...my next direction should probably be out to the yard to throw some water on the produce....

[shes2smart]

Bumpersticker

 

Saw it on the weekend's road trip...just now remembered to post about it:

 

It said: "Change the way you see, not the way you look" and had the outline of a very curvy woman's torso drawn next to the words.

 

The way we see is the only thing we can ever truly change, isn't it......

[shes2smart]

Show Me The Money!

 

Dear Voice Seekers at Voice123,

 

For those of you who have taken the time to listen my audition and leave a favorable rating for it, please know that I sincerely appreciate that.

 

However, your good ratings don't pay my bills, so, for cryin' out loud -- HIRE ME. It's all well and good that you're rating me 1st and all, but show me the money, honey.

 

Thank you. That is all.

[shes2smart]

Another Letter

 

Dear 1-800-Pet Meds,

 

I just got the items I ordered, and while my order was correct, I was left wondering about one thing.

 

Every time I have ordered something for my cats from your fine company, there is a little extra treat for the kitties enclosed -- a small pouch of dried catnip. My cats do enjoy their 'nip.

 

However, I was a bit puzzled when I opened the box from my recent order and found a very large dog biscuit in with the items I'd ordered for my cats. Perhaps somewhere there is some dog owner wondering what they're supposed to do with the little pouch of catnip?

 

Nonetheless, I did break up the dog cookie and offer the small bits to my cats. They had a great time batting the pieces around the floor for a few moments, but seemed to overlook the fact that the "toys" were, in fact, edible.

 

Thank you. That is all.

[shes2smart]

Hired

 

So, another of these "pay to play" for voicework sites is called link removed. I have a free membership there and was planning on (....eventually) getting a paid one. I figure if I can do one annual subscription on a different site every quarter, that'll be good. Mr. Good Hair is not fond of the "pay to play" concept, but he grugingly agrees that this is the way things are going.

 

Anyway, I had recently uploaded some different demos to my link removed profile in preparation for my 3rd quarter subscription. Free subscription lets you post your profile & demos and lets you view posted jobs, but not audition for them unless you are directly invited by the voice seeker. Last Friday I got a direct invitation to audition for another (ongoing?) educational reading gig. Actually, it's probably more correctly identified as an e-learning reading gig, since the client is not a school/educational facility....it's lessons for their customers on how to use their products and software.

 

Anyway, I sent in my audition over the weekend and yesterday I got offered the gig. Off a site that I don't have a paid subscription to. Huh. They appear to be a pretty large company. I was looking at their website and they have offices here as well as Europe & Asia. I'll be doing voicework for a multi-national company. Huh.

 

I also heard from a company who got one of my direct mail pieces and checked out my website. They wanted to see if I'd be available for an upcoming project they have for a local TV station. Honey, I got nuthin' but time right now....

 

I added up what I have made in freelance thus far in 2nd quarter. I'm ahead of what I did 1st quarter. Cool. If we were in a better economic time, would I be at the point where I could just bank the checks from my office gig right now? Cause that's one of the intermediate goals -- live off the freelance but keep the part time office gig and just bank the checks from there to build up savings before I transition to full time freelance. I'd like to be at or near that point in the next 6 to 12 months.

 

The engineer who helped me set up my home studio thinks I'm doing well. He's sort of made a hobby of setting up home studios for the different radio people he's worked with over the years. (side note: how very "coincidental" that this particular engineer happened to be working where I was working when I was working there and that we happened to hit it off immediately. right people, right time. that's how it works for me.) Anyway, several of the people he'd set up home studios for did a similar thing to what I'm doing. He said they all followed the same pattern -- it was tough for the first 12-24 months, but they slowly started making more money each month and everything came together and it took off. There was also a pattern of auditioning, auditioning, marketing, auditioning....then landing that one great-paying break through gig that opened the doors for other good paying gigs. "Exponential growth," is what he called it.

 

Just gotta keep pluggin' away at it.....

[shes2smart]

The Story About The Struggle In My Life Is Completely Over

 

 

 

How cool is this?

 

Francis Dunnery does this thing he calls the Home Tour. Basically, for $1000 and space for a merchandise table, he'll come play a show in your home. We'd seen the link on his website before, but my husband was curious enough to email for info. They sent us a brochure and it's a really interesting concept. Particularly with the content of his music, a small, intimate, up close & personal venue where he gets to meet everyone makes perfect sense.

 

He's not doing it like everyone else in this line of work...yet he's making a living doing what he loves and being who he is.

 

There's something for me to ponder, alright.

[shes2smart]

A Month, A Year, Some Chocolate-Covered Sponge Toffee & A Malfunctioning Brain

 

That pretty much sums up the weekend.

 

It's been a month since I fully left full time radio, so it's been a month since I've been on the air. Much to my (mild) surprise, I haven't missed it.

 

It is also the one year anniversary of starting my office gig. I am still part time. This is both good and bad. Good in that it leaves me time to work at building my business, provides a steady hourly wage and also appointment setting bonuses. Bad because I'm stuck with my husband's crappy health insurance and my checks, though regular, are.....kinda tiny. At the same time, I don't know that losing the additional 10-12 hours a week (plus commute time) to work full time would be a good move in the long term since my ultimate goal is to be doing full time freelance voiceover work and not have to have even part time job if I don't want to.

 

I also don't know that the additional work time would be physically good for my wrists & elbows.

 

Over the weekend I made sponge toffee link removed. A few months ago, I came accross a candy bar called "Crunchie." link removed. This is not a commonly found confection in the US (at least not anywhere I've lived). We bought one, tried it and really, really liked it. A couple weeks back we were in that store again, but they didn't have anymore.

 

So I started doing some research about it online...and quite accidentally found out that it's stupid-easy to make the honeycomb or sponge toffee that is the center part of a Crunchie bar. I hadn't made anything in the "candy" realm before, so this was going to be new on a few levels. After reading a few slightly different recipes and comments on them, it seemed to me that a successful first attempt was probably going to require a candy thermometer. This was easily purchased for $3 at the local big-box mart while we were out picking up milk.

 

I settled on the Food Network Canada recipe linked above. I discovered that through a link on someone's blog about food and cooking. Having never really done much work with candy/hot sugar, it was interesting to watch that much granulated sugar go from a solid, grainy form to boiling hot liquid in a matter of a few moments. Without the candy thermometer, I would've been inclined to pull the bubbling mass of stickiness off the stove too soon. With the candy thermometer, I let it sit there and boil for as long as it took to hit 300 degrees.

 

But the real fun came when the pot was pulled from the heat and the baking soda was whisked in. Everything I read about making sponge toffee (no matter which recipe was used) was the most important thing was to have a pan that could hold 3 to 4 times the volume of the starting ingredients. As soon as that baking soda gets whisked in, the 300-degree mass of melted sugar gets very puffed up and keeps growing and expanding. Even after I poured it out of the pot and into a 13x9 baking dish to cool and harden, it was continuing to puff up like it was alive. Yeast-raised dough has NOTHING on baking soda in hot sugar for making a mass of sticky stuff come to life. There was also an element of danger...I mean, 290-some degree (it's off the heat source, so it had probably cooled from 300 degrees) liquid sugar is not only sticky, but it's hot enough to cause some serious burns if it drips on exposed flesh.

 

After it cooled, we busted it up into pieces and coated them with melted chocolate chips for a homemade version of the Crunchie bar. It was ok right after, but it was better the next day after the chocolate had set and the sponge toffee absorbed a little moisture. It's still crunchy and dry, but not as hard as when it first cooled and solidified.

 

Sunday night after dinner, I had a slightly weird experience. I had a sudden shiver, but kinda blanked out for a half second while I did. After that, my brain felt funny. Can't really describe it better than that...brain zap, brain shock. I poked around online and found this is somewhat common when people are getting off SSRIs (anti-depressant meds). The thing is, I haven't taken an SSRI for almost 5 years now. This was just my brain doing this on its own. After the zap, I was feeling weirdly detached from things. More like watching a movie of my life than being in my life in the present moment....kinda. I ended up going to bed early feeling crappy and then having weird/bad dreams and waking up at 3:30AM.

 

It is now 5AM here and I might be ready to go back to bed. Monday mornings I usually work on sending out the week's direct mail pieces, but I don't know if that's going to happen this week. I'm operating on, oh, about 3-4 hours of sleep, my brain still feels off and I don't really have to surface anywhere til 11 AM....and that's only to go to the chiropractor. Don't have to be at the office gig til 3 this afternoon.

 

This isn't the first time I've had this weird, detached, "watching a movie of my life instead of actually living it" feeling that something biochemically odd is going on in my brain. It's such an infrequent, unpredictable thing, though...going to get it checked out would be akin to looking for a needle in a haystack. If you were going to look for the needle with a lot of expensive diagnostic tests, most of which would probably come back "normal" anyway. I mean, I do wonder what the hell that was last night (and to some extent this morning...and the other times it's happened with no SSRI taper off to blame), but my gut feeling is it's not bad enough/frequent enough to really be diagnosable/detectable....if it's even a physical problem at all. I mean, I have been known to have an active/creative imagination plus some history of mental illness, so.....

 

In any event, I've managed to navigate myself to a couple of "Time Passes By" milestones in the last few days -- being off the air for a month and being at the office gig for a year. The bottom fell out of my world in April of last year, but life has gone on (....even if I do feel like I'm just watching it like a movie right now.....).

 

Nothing else to add, really. Other than it's probably time to go back to bed and try to get some rest that's not punctuated with weird/bad dreams....

[shes2smart]

I Don't Know What Your Problem Is, But I Bet It's Hard To Pronounce

 

I am dumbfounded....flabbergasted....stunned....amazed....pixilated....flummoxed.

 

It has been nearly 3 months since we transfered to the not-so-new-at-this-point server. We were raiding with our not-so-new-at-this-point guild, when my husband gets an in-game IM from someone who is obviously from our old guild on the old server and set on being an ass.

 

Somebody needs to get a life. Because apparently the one they have is inadequate to keep them engaged, amused and entertained enough that they have time to obsess over what people 3 months gone are doing in a game. A game...meaning...."not real."

 

I'm waiting to hear that they've contacted the leadership of our current guild (again) to "warn" them that we're horrible, mean, awful, child, puppy and old-lady beating people (again) and need to be removed from their ranks. What kind of f'd up, dysfunctional person gets it in their head that it's not enough to prevent a person (namely me) from playing in your group, but when I have the sheer unmitigated gall to find another place with a group that includes EVERYONE who wants to participate, you want to prevent me from playing there too? Huh? What? What the hell did I ever do to you except call BS and leave?

 

The weird thing is I was just looking at that Francis Dunnery article again the other day. I was kinda scrolling through my blog here, seein' as how we're gettin' to the halfway point of the year, and happened to land on the posts regarding our departure 3 months ago. And I re-read the Francis Dunnery article about people who were actively despising him sending all that pure energy his way and making good things happen in his life. So, looked at that way, this shouldn't surprise me. I was already kinda feeling something was up. The little string of sudden freelance gigs that's popped up in the last 2 weeks for me (including 3 new clients....) shoulda been a tip off that there was some potent raw energy flowing my way.

 

Unfortunately, my husband is choosing to deal with it by re-engaging with some of those folks again. My suggestion was to put this (and any future harassing messengers) on his ignore list and report the harassment in game and leave it at that. He did that. Then he called one of them and emailed another. And from what I can tell, they're just repeating their list of grievances and going over how "hurt" they are and what horrible people we are and blah, blah, blah. He doesn't need to hear that.

 

There's part of him that wants to make amends with certain specific individuals...the ones we actually knew in real life. We've discussed that before. My take on it is along the lines of, "With friends like that......." I don't feel like my life is lacking anything without those parties in it. I liken it a lot to how things ended with my alcoholic ex -- there was no amicable parting. It was mean and angry and abrupt and messy....and that's the only kind of ending one can get from an active addict. I've already been sucked into that pattern of going back and forth trying to have some sort of reasonable, mature ending with my alcoholic ex. I will not get sucked into it again. I certainly am not going to get sucked into it with people from a freakin' online game -- most of whom I don't even know and many of whom I never particularly liked. (Even when they were all jumping up and down claming to "lurrrrve" me and be my "friends" as they were last summer

 

I don't feel any remorse or regret for what I chose to do and how I chose to do it. And God knows, I'm actually enjoying the game again and being included by this group that accepted us in spite of all the drama and baggage that the old guild has tried to foist on us.

 

One thing that's come from these experiences with the old group, the new group and the people we know in real life and in game is this: The people who jump up and down and proclaim to be your friends and how much they "lurrrrrve" you when you haven't known them that long are usually not going to be people who turn out to be actual friends who really do love you.

[shes2smart]

Sudden Thought

 

So, for some reason, in the last few weeks what I do for a living became the topic of discussion where my husband works. The only reason I know this is because he borrowed one of my direct mail pieces to take to work to show a couple of his co-workers. He said some of them initially didn't quite get what I do, but once he explained it, they were oooh-ing and ahhhh-ing.

 

I had a cool job when I worked in radio. Apparently, I still have a cool job working at home.

[shes2smart]

People From One's Past

 

My ex-college bf was in town over the weekend. We had dinner with him and an old high school friend of his. I've met the old high school friend of his several times, going back to when the ex-college bf wasn't yet an ex.

 

It was an enjoyable enough evening. That I have some of the same people in my life that were around more than two decades ago is both amazing and comforting to me. That I have had the opportunity to physically be around several of them and talk to them recently (R, Mr. Good Hair, my ex-college bf, and to a lesser extent his high school friend) has been satisfying to my soul in the same way that solid, healthy meal is satisfying to one's physical body.

 

It's kinda like how I felt in the weeks just prior to when I met my husband. I went to visit my friend in Florida -- a gal I have known since we were in junior high together. During the week there just hanging out with her, it felt like I was getting a major battery re-charge and when I left her house and came back, I felt like I was full up. That summer started off with the painful and traumatic break-up with the cheating ex. That was followed by solo road trips, lots of vacation time (back then I got 4 weeks a year and my window of opportunity to take them was pretty much limited to summer & winter), a few days hanging with the former Mrs. Be A Writer, and a week hanging with the gal in Florida. The Florida trip came at the end of August, and when I came back, I felt really rested and ready to tear into the next chapter of my life.

 

I came back to a racehorse the trainer bought for me that went on to win 6 of the 10 starts I owned him. I came back and a month later I met the guy who I'd end up marrying.

 

So this past month of.....reconnection (?) with R and Mr. Good Hair and my ex-college bf....it feels like the final re-fueling prior to launch...if that makes any sense. For the times I forget, and I don't see it, remember this time. When the good and the love that have always surrounded (and will always surround) you have been made so clear to see....so obvious to feel. You have managed to forge these kinds of long-lasting, true friendships -- the former Mrs. Be-A-Writer, Florida gal, R, Mr. Good Hair, ex-college bf......and I can't remember a single time any one of them has jumped up and down claiming to be my friend and how much they "lurrrrve" me.

 

They were too busy showing it through their actions to say it in words.

[shes2smart]

Dentist!

 

 

 

I have to call mine. Something's not right. Given my admittedly limited (but more than the average person) knowledge of things dental. I've got it narrowed down to a couple of things:

 

Old filling needs replaced (which will be pricey, but doable)

Old filling had a massive failure and the tooth needs a crown...after a root canal (worst case most expensive scenario)

I've been doing that jaw-clenchy thing in my sleep and need an occlusial adjustment (least expensive, and perhaps most likely situation since this has happened plenty of times before)

 

Then, there's always the possibility that I've developed some sort of weird jaw/bone infection and they'll have to pump me full of antibiotics which won't kill the particular strain of tissue-consuming bacteria I picked up and I'll either die a slow, horribly painful death OR have to have the lower 3/4 of my face amputated and have a feeding tube installed in my throat.

 

But it's probably just a malocclusion problem.

 

My dentist's office doesn't open for another 20 minutes.

[shes2smart]

Werd.

 

Southwest. It's air travel AND a show.

 

link removed

[shes2smart]

aaaarrrrrggggghhh!

 

Audition & Proposal Feedback Analysis

 

To learn more about the audition/proposal ranking system and score visit the link removed

 

Based on the rankings you have received for your submitted auditions and proposals during the past year, we have calculated an link removed of 269.33 for you.

 

Your audition/proposal ranking score is greater than the ranking score of 88% of all Premium Subscribers (88 link removed).

 

Recently 88% has been translating into "also ran."

 

I could wallpaper a room with the, "We really liked your audtion, but the client chose another VO talent" emails I've been getting lately. Where's the disconnect?

 

I have one ad adjency in particular....did stuff for them a few months ago. THEY like me...THEY keep asking me to read for stuff....but their client goes with someone else.

 

Frustrated.

[shes2smart]

Then All Of A Sudden

 

The adgency that kept having me read for stuff (but the clients kept picking other talent) hit upon a client that loves my voice....and I ended up doing 2 spots for them this week.

 

And something I auditioned for and got the "great audition, client's going with someone else" note came back with a request for another audition. Seems there was a version of the TV spot that a guy had voiced and the client didn't like how that came out. So they asked me to read for it. Well, this time, I got to see the actual video I'd be reading for, and I think it helped. Apparently it gave me some idea of the pacing of it because the read I gave them matched up with the video with nearly no tinkering necessary. So I ended up getting that one, too.

 

Then the local place that's doing the math textbook called for a read on another project. I'm going over there today to do that.

 

Not quite awake yet...still have a rather vivid dream rolling around my head. Nothing bad/weird, really. Just one of those kinds that makes you go, "Huh. Wonder what the heck brought THAT on?" It was kind of the wrong time of year for that particular person to start making guest starring appearances in my dreams, yet there he was last night. This time in the guise of his 19 year old self. Y'know, as curious as I am, I hope I never have occasion to cross paths with him again. Too much time has gone by, and he's probably nothing like the 15 year old and 19 year old I remember...and I don't want to lose that person. You know, that person who shows up in my dreams at fairly predictable times of the year. The reality of who he is now would probably be a crashing disappointment, and I'd rather not have to deal with that.

 

So, back toward the beginning of gardening season, I decided to buy a soaker hose. I love the damn thing. It appeals to my basic sense of laziness - thread it through and around the tomatoes, peppers, etc. hook it up to a garden hose 1 or 2 times a week, turn it on, and walk away for an hour while it waters the plants. With the exception of one of the cantaloupe vines, it appears to be doing wonders for the stuff out there. Both tomato plants have multiple tomatoes starting. The stronger of the two pepper plants has 2 tiny peppers formed (with about another half dozen forming) and one of the cantaloupe vines has busted out in blooms.

 

That one of the cantaloupe vines is blooming at all I consider a small victory. I'm not sure we really have the ideal conditions for cantaloupe here in terms of soil composition and weather, but I decided to try growing cantaloupe as this year's experiment, anyway. My supervisor at the office gig inspired me to try it. He inadvertently wound up growing cantaloupe on his compost pile several years ago. He had thown the seedy guts of a store-bought cantaloupe into the compost pile and one of the seeds sprouted and started to grow. He figured out what it was and just left it alone to see what would happen. The damn thing actually grew and bore fruit! So, I figured if it could grow to an actual harvest accidentally, it might be easy enough and hardy enough that it could withstand being in the garden of the The Black Thumb Gardener.

 

Wow. My wrists are kinda bothering me today....and my right elbow isn't real happy with me either. I'm thinking now is a great time for some ibuprofen and some breakfast.

[shes2smart]

Things That Won't Go Over Well If Said Aloud

 

Oh, I got a pile of 'em in my head right now. My brain feels like it's gonna explode. Probaby a contributing factor to my headache earlier.

 

It's late and I'm tired and I should go to bed. But I just had to write this out...just to see it outside of my head.

 

Trying to micro-manage me isn't going to solve your problem. It's akin putting a bandaid on a severed artery and hoping it'll stop the bleeding. Maybe you better try dealing head-on with what's really bothering you (and finding a solution to directly address it) rather than trying to use micro-management BS as therapy.

 

And now that that's e-scrawled out, it doesn't need to keep rattling around in my head and keep me awake with its noise.