Wonderland

[shes2smart]

It's Nothing At All

 

Sunday Morning -Velvet Underground

 

 

 

Sunday morning, praise the dawning

It's just a restless feeling by my side

Early dawning, sunday morning

It's just the wasted years so close behind

 

Watch out, the world's behind you

There's always someone around you who will call

It's nothing at all

 

Sunday morning and I'm falling

I've got a feeling I don't want to know

Early dawning, sunday morning

It's all the streets you crossed, not so long ago

 

Watch out, the world's behind you

There's always someone around you who will call

It's nothing at all

 

Watch out, the world's behind you

There's always someone around you who will call

It's nothing at all

 

Sunday morning

Sunday morning

Sunday morning

 

You liked the Velvet Underground and thought they were cool. I liked you and thought you were cool. You liked one of my friends and thought she was cool...but she had a boyfriend who was, in fact, a guy you had introduced her to. So we started hanging out together by default. That was when we were 17 or 18.

 

Then you went away for a year.

 

When you came back, we picked up right where we left off. And I was an idiot in the way only a 19 year old girl can be and thought it was cool. I'll blame the hormones and the complete cluelessness of youth. Part of that cluelessness is being totally unaware that you are clueless. To this day, I don't believe you had any malicious intentions really. I ran into you several years back. You met my husband. I still basically liked you and thought you were cool.

 

But the Velvet Underground was always...and still is...cooler than either of us.

[shes2smart]

Joys Of Home Ownership

 

So, a few weeks ago, I looked at my kitchen cabinets and was disgusted by how dirty they were.

 

A project that started off as "cleaning the fronts of the cabinets" turned into "cleaning outside AND inside the cabinets" which then got "change the cabinet hardware" tacked onto it.

 

So, the shopping for new drawer pulls began. Found these: link removed. Which they also sell in a Valu-10 Pack at the store for just under $20.

 

I needed a total of 23.

 

As of this morning I have installed 13. (The routine is, take all the crap out of the cabinet/drawer, take off the old pulls, clean the inside & outside of the cabinet/pull, let it dry, scrub it again if I missed anything, let it dry, finish the outside with a wood protector/polish spray, install the new pulls, sort through the crap that was in the cabinet/drawer, organize it and put it away.)

 

10 more to go.

[shes2smart]

Saw It Somewhere

 

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

[shes2smart]

Note To The "Jock In The Box" On The XM Channel I Was Listening To Earlier

 

"Snarky" without "funny" is just....witchy.

 

And not terribly entertaining, either.

[shes2smart]

Let The Obnoxious Campaign Begin!

 

So, I’ve had it with Mr. Owes Me $600 From July. Today, I began what I am calling the Obnoxious Campaign. The plan is to pester him (and those around him) into paying me just so I’ll go the hell away.

 

Found his company’s website. Discovered they have 2 locations and they also listed some employee’s names on the website. The first two of several packages went into the mail (certified, return receipt requested) today. Addressed to individuals at both offices, the packets contain a letter asking for their help in getting my horribly overdue invoice paid, a brief timeline outlining what happened & why I am owed the money and my invoice.

 

I have packets ready to go out to other employees listed on the website after the first round arrives. I thought about sending them all at once, but then decided it would be more obnoxious if different people kept getting them over time.

 

I have located several of the guy’s social networking site profiles. Not sure how to use that information yet, but I have it. He’s on several of the same sites I’m on. At this point, I’m not above posting he owes me money (and naming names, providing links, etc.) on my various profiles. I mean, I can prove that I was hired by that company to do this work for that amount, that I did, in fact, do the work, and that I have tried other, reasonable methods to get paid. I figure if it gets to the point that I’m taking him to small claims court, this will also show that I have given him multiple chances to pay and that he was well aware he owed the money. Besides, I can tack the postage costs onto the bill if it comes to that.

 

Hopefully, it won’t come to that and one round of the mailed packets will be enough to get things moving. A similar tactic worked on a client who attempted to stiff me earlier this year. In that case, I found the company’s website and emailed every email I could find on the site asking for help to get the invoice paid. The money was in my paypal account within 36 hours of those emails. I couldn’t find individual email addresses for my current problem client’s staff….just names and the company’s mailing address. So, mail it is.

 

I used to know someone who ran their own part-time business doing yard signs/yard cards. These were big 7 or 8 foot wooden cut-outs that would get put in people’s yards wishing them a “happy birthday” or “happy anniversary” and stuff like that. I have toyed with the idea of locating a yard sign company in the city where this guy’s office is and have a custom yard sign put up in front of his business. You know, let any random passers-by in on the dirty little secret that he’s not paying his bills. I guess that’s also a possibility. I’m looking for stuff that’s obnoxious but not illegal; embarrassing but not actionable.

 

After this, I don’t think this guy will want to hire me to voice anything for him again. But, really, if I have to go to these lengths to get paid, do I really want to do any additional work for him? Lemme think about that for a quiet moment. Um, NO. Gimme the gas can, matches and some marshmallows, I’m over this bridge and I’m torchin’ it behind me.

 

Speaking of bridges torched behind me…..

 

The not-new-at-this-point Warcrack guild we’re in recently asked my husband if he’d like to be one of the guild officers. He accepted. If anyone from the Addict Guild is still bothering to keep tabs on us, this will probably send them into hyper-drive…the fact that we are still in this guild they tried to get us kicked out of AND that he’s been made an officer. How would they know? Well, you can look up guild information on Blizzard’s website and that information includes the character names of guild officers.

 

Y’know, I hope for their own sakes that they don’t do that…check to see if we’re still in the not-new guild and so on. I hope we don’t ever cross their minds for even a fraction of a second. But given what went on when we departed and then what took place several months later, I don’t know if some of them are capable of fully letting it go.

 

We are still very much diggin’ life and how they do things in the not-new-at-this-point guild. Their basic approach to raiding is Inclusiveness. If you want to go, and make the effort to go, you will get to go. No one – even the person who started the guild – goes every time….but everyone gets to go at least once a week if they want to. Imagine that - adults acting like adults. Shocking, but true. I always thought something like this was possible, and it’s nice to find out that it is. It just wasn’t possible in the Addict Guild.

 

New supervisor started at work recently. The management hired someone who used to work there and who I knew (…..and liked) from when they used to work there, so it’s not a huge adjustment for me. It’s “no changes in the immediate future” but no idea what’s down the road 6 months or a year from now. But that’s kinda the case with life in general, isn’t it? We just don’t know what the future holds…or if we even get much of a future.

 

Way I figure it, I’ll be working there as long as I need to be working there. If the job goes away, it means I didn’t need to be working there anymore and something else will come along to take me to the next place I need to be. Despite what I thought at the time, that was true about being asked to leave full time employment in radio. I didn’t need to be working there anymore…I needed to be doing something else, someplace else and a way was provided for me to do just that.

 

On my last day off, I called my ex-college bf. It’s as close to therapy as I can afford, and I hadn’t talked to him for a while. He opened his own business a couple years ago. We are in very different lines of work, but some of the basics of running your own show are the same. We didn’t really talk hard numbers, but from what he said he’s not exactly rolling in it, either. I thought he was doing better, but as it turns out his “better” is a lot like my “better” – not necessarily money, but more flexibility and more control over how one’s time is spent. His wife is out of work (again), so they are doing a similar scraping by balancing act. I left the conversation feeling like maybe I’m really not all that bad off. My husband is not only working, but recently got a promotion and has a ton of overtime available to him. We have health insurance (crappy, high deductible health insurance that will only be of any use if something catastrophic happens) through his job. My ex-college bf and his wife don’t have any health insurance right now…and when they get it back, they will be paying for it themselves to the tune of about $600 a month.

 

So, yeah, it dawned on me that maybe I’m not doing so bad after all. Maybe I’m just like a lot of other people in my age bracket and we’re just doing the best we can after having various rugs yanked out from underneath us.

[shes2smart]

Silence Is Golden

 

...because everything I listen to makes me think of other times and other places, and it's not always pleasant.

 

The XM channel they pipe all over the building at work just added a bunch of songs from the mid- to late-90's era (mostly...there's a few early 90's, too). I was working at a similarly formatted station during that time, so almost every one of them brings up some new spewing of crap from my brain. I'm finding there are some things and people and times I don't want (or need) to be reminded of.

 

I turned off the XM unit we have at home earlier this week. He hasn't turned it back on. That has helped. But my deranged brain decided to concoct one of those dreams with a lot of...ummm...guest appearances. Of the guest appearances, only one was a welcome one. And the interaction I had with that dream guest was nice. The rest of it, I could've done without.

 

*****

 

He was a bitter dude. Shorter than average, larger than average, balder than average for his age. He was the kinda guy who became a friend to girls, but never the romantic interest. At one point he turned his attention toward me, and I considered seeing where that might lead.

 

But underneath that "best friend/nice guy" facade was one bitter dude. And, as it turned out, his interest wasn't in me...but misplaced revenge on some other girl who'd friended him but spurned his advances.

 

I went on vacation and when I returned I called him on his BS and haven't spoken to him since. Later....much later....a mutual friend brought him up in conversation...and confirmed everything I had suspected. That's what he did - if he encountered a female who would actually consider the notion of a romantic relationship with him, he released his pent-up anger about past rejections on her, and then found glee & delight in rejecting and belittling her. The mutual friend whined to me about it because he'd just watched him do it to another girl. The mutual friend apparently didn't know (or simply wasn't admitting he knew) that he'd tried to pull that crap with me and I called him on his BS.

 

Yup. He was one bitter dude. But I really don't want to be reminded I once knew someone who was that bitter.

 

************

 

October/November 1998. Sitting at an intersection near the race track waiting for the light. Going home after a night of paddocking horses for a guy who wouldn't be alive a year later. This came on the radio. I hadn't heard it before, but for some reason, it captured that moment in time - where I was physically, mentally, emotionally - and I'm back sitting in my not-yet-warmed-up car waiting to turn left at the light and I'm cold and tired and want to go home.

 

 

 

I look back and it's too easy to say things were simpler then. They seem like they were simpler because the stuff I was struggling with then...well, I know how it all came out now. Were I to go back to my journals from then, I would see that it wasn't simpler to who I was then. It was just as challenging to that version of myself as the current time is to this version of myself.

 

So, let's play a game. You can tell that you-from-11-years-ago one thing. What is it? Hmmmm. Possibilities:

 

"In a couple months, an older guy will ask you out. Say no and spare yourself a lot of grief."

 

"In less than a year, your parents are going to go completely whacko and have to be removed from your life."

 

"Don't take the program director job."

 

Beyond that, there really isn't anything else I'd wanna warn me about. I mean, other than all the usual crap people wish they'd known -- save more money, take better care of yourself -- general stuff like that. Warning myself of 3 upcoming mistakes in an 11 year time span isn't bad. Actually, it's only 2 mistakes - taking the job and dating getting involved with the guy. That whole parents-going-whacko thing...that wasn't anything I did. I made the right move there, it was just a very difficult time to get through.

 

Ok, so, not all that bad. Out of 11 years, two things I'd do differently.

 

Oh, wait. One more: Start building up the freelance VO sooner. Although, before we bought the house, I didn't really have a place to set up a studio, so...not sure if that's even realistic.

 

Ha. I'm worried about being realistic in a discussion of what I would tell me 11 years ago if I could travel back in time.

 

This....this is why I never fail to keep myself amused.

[shes2smart]

Schedule Change

 

So, my husband got a promotion at work several weeks ago. This included a change to his work schedule. He is now working late afternoon to midnight or 1am. I am having a hard time adjusting.

 

I was used to him leaving around 8am and then I'd have the house to myself so I could do voice work (or audition for voice work or work on marketing myself for voice work), or go to the gym, or do stuff around here until I had to leave for work a little after 2. He'd get home about an hour before I did and have dinner mostly ready, then we'd eat and go play Warcrack til midnight or 1.

 

Now he's either asleep or underfoot all morning, we leave for work at the same time, I get home about 4 hours before he does, try to cram any voicework in before he gets home, and then try to go to sleep at a reasonable time. He has fallen into the 2nd shift schedule - come home from work around 1am, stay up til 3 or 4, then sleep til noon.

 

I cannot do this as I have clients who keep normal 9-to-5 type business hours. The schedule change is also messing with my eating patterns (which have been geared to a 9-to-5 kind of day for about 20 years). I had a problem with meal times when I worked a 2nd shift schedule back in my 20's, too. I worked that schedule for about 2 years and was never able to figure out a reasonable and workable eating pattern for it.

 

I mean, I imagine I'll (....eventually...) adapt to this and figure out a way to get stuff done and all...but it's really annoying right now. I mean, here it is almost 10 and I'm still trying to get the "just rolled outta bed" sound to wear off my voice so I can go cut an audition. On his old schedule, I woulda been up no later that 8 and already sent off the audition.

 

We won't even get into discussing gym trips and how I just bit my tongue when he proclaimed we'd be able to go to the gym together during the week with his new schedule. Um, that would require him to get his butt out of bed before noon....but that's not likely to happen when he doesn't go to bed before 3 or 4am. I kept this observation to myself and gave him the benefit of the doubt that he wouldn't fall into the 2nd shift schedule. I'm sorry to say that, thus far, my prediction has been correct, and he's staying up late enough that 11am is now "early morning." I gave up waiting for him and just went to the gym by myself (at 10:30....) yesterday.

 

Last week I tried staying up til 2 for a few nights and was an over-tired, headachy wreck by mid-week.

 

But I suppose this is just the latest turn of things to complete the illusion of living like a college student in my 40's, huh? I mean, between the income (or lack thereof), the Warcrack, the insane hope that things will improve in the future, and now the wonky schedule and screwy meal times..... If I actually had classes to go to, the illusion would be complete, wouldn't it?

 

Ugh.

[shes2smart]

Well.....What Do You Make Of That?

 

I still get automatic weekly emails from monster & career builder with job listings that supposedly match my resume qualifications. I never shut them off when I was looking for a job after I got downsized last year. Usually I just delete without reading, but Monday, I happened to scroll down on one.

 

I saw a listing for a job with the local office of one of the cable companies. Support staff for sales & production. Looked it over, figured I had most of the minimum qualifications, and clicked a few links to send a resume that was already on file. Mind you, I sent NO cover letter nor did I tailor the resume for the job posting like one is "supposed" to do if one is serious. No, I just sent in the resume because it was more a pathetic exercise to give me some grain of truth to base my answer on if someone asked if I was looking for a job. You know, "Oh, I've applied for a few things..." One is a few in a really broad sense.

 

Anyway, I wasn't seriously expecting to hear back from them. Given my experiences job hunting before and all the things one reads about conducting a job search, I figured the lack of a cover letter alone would give me an express trip to the reject pile.

 

Yesterday, I get home from the office gig and there's a message on my answering machine. They want to do a phone interview next week.

 

Huh?

 

All those resumes, applications and cover letters I sent for all those jobs last year without any interest (except for a temp agency and state job I tested to be eligible for)...and now, with this lame application attempt, I get a call. What? It makes me wonder if all those articles and books and so on about "How To Conduct A Job Serach" should be taken with a very large grain of salt.

 

Granted, it's a phone interview. And I'm not sure getting a full time, (presumably) day job is really the right move in the larger picture with the voiceover stuff. The posted pay rate is $26k/year (and probably benefits since it's full time)....which is more than what I'm making now at the office gig but still low.

 

On the other hand, I could still do freelance projects and work building that up. Despite assurances to the contrary, the fact of the matter is things are uncertain at the office gig (both my department specifically and the business as a whole) due to the current state of that industry. Before taxes, $26k/yr would be about $700 - $800 a month more than the part time office gig. If I keep up the current rate of freelance, this is enough to prevent dipping into savings and actually have more than I need to cover my bills every month. They didn't give the actual address of the job, just the zip code, but if the job is really located in that zip code, then it's much closer than the current office gig. The guy who hired me at the office gig left a few weeks ago. While I personally like the person they got to replace him.....well....liking someone on a personal level and liking them on a professional level or as a supervisor are slightly different things. Slight...but enough to make a difference in the overall level of job satisfaction. Finally, with the brief description posted, it sounds like there is an opportunity to learn some video production skills. This may come in handy for future freelance use. Also, there may be opportunities to network and further freelance voiceover goals.

 

Really, writing this all down is making it seem heavily in favor of making the jump if thing get to that point.

 

It's just a phone interview. I can't imagine they're doing phone interviews with everyone who sent in a resume. With as many people out of work and looking for jobs, I have to imagine they had a good number of applicants. There had to be some initial screening process I passed to get a phone interview.

 

Ultimately, there is this: As with everything else in my life, if I'm supposed to go that way, a path will be made and it'll fall into place. If I'm not supposed to go that way, it won't happen.

[shes2smart]

As If I Needed More Evidence That I'm Not Normal

 

Went to 2 parties over the weekend. One was a going-away party, the other was a Halloween party. Both of them were thrown by people my husband works with. Both of them involved a lot (by my standards "a lot") of alcohol consumption and puzzled "I'm not sure what to do with THAT" reactions when I declined to imbibe.

 

People, people, people...I have what is quaintly called "Asian Flush" link removed. Drinking any alcohol is just going to make me sick. I don't give a crap if YOU drink, that's your business. (I may not want to be around you if you get stupid drunk, but I can decide that for myself.) But I'm not going to make myself headachy and nauseous because everyone else here is getting drunk.

 

I was starting to think it might be easier to just say, "I can't...I'm a recovering alcoholic. Been sober 10 years now. Can I tell you about my Higher Power?" I mean, people kinda know what to do with that -- "Oh, hey, alcoholic can't drink...I get it...and no, I don't want to hear about your Higher Power." But only a handful of people know about "Asian Flush," and trying to explain it doesn't seem like appropriate party chat. On top of that, unless there's a lot of sugar, mix, juice, soda, ice cream, etc. involved, no alcohol tastes good to me anyway. Even with the additives, it still tastes...odd. So...basically, I'm turning down something I don't like the taste of that is just going to make me sick if I drink it anyway....what's so hard to understand about that?

 

Perhaps some of it was the age group attending these funcitons. I was (quite easily) the oldest person in the room at both gatherings. I guess that's what a good chunk of the 20- and 30-something (mostly) single crowd do for entertainment. What would I know? I am Middle Aged Woman.

 

I was thinking about it yesterday and realized the overwhelming majority of parties I have been to in the last, say, 4-5 years have been kink/play parties. Depending on who is hosting the party, alcohol is not allowed or is strongly discouraged at such gatherings because of the other activities going on. I suspect some of the party attendees who appeared to be drinking to excess at this past weekend's events would be completely scandalized by the kind of parties I usually go to. Kinda funny when I think about it, really. You're standing there thinking I'm very straight-laced because I don't drink when in reality, I've done and seen stuff at parties sober that you wouldn't even consider doing even if you were plastered. You don't know that, but I do...and that's how I can stand here smiling to myself even though I'm not drinking.

 

In other "you're not normal" incidents...I had to ask my husband if outside incentives really worked to motivate people. Like stuff at work -- you know, if you sell x amount or set x appointments or complete x projects, you get some small token of appreciation. The new supervisor set up some incentive program for this month and I'm thinking to myself, "This is supposed to make me want to work harder/do more how?"

 

I'm not terribly competitive. Pitting me against my co-workers to see who can jump through the most hoops for a $20 restaurant gift certificate doesn't really inspire me to perform. If anything, it does the opposite. I get a little despondent at how grabby and competitive and backstabby some people can get over small stuff like that. I mean, if they're going to behave in that manner over a $20 restuarant certificate, they're not going to suddenly become the least bit selfless/alturistic over bigger, more important things are they? I dunno. In my way of thinking to get that grabby is acting from a place of lack and having the feeling that there's not enough/I don't have enough and having to grab whatever one can to make up for the lack. Which, if a person has a "lack" consciousness, nothing will ever be enough. I make a conscious effort to be in a prosperity consciousness -- there IS enough, my needs are met, I want for nothing. Kinda makes getting terribly excited about, say, a $20 Sizzler gift certificate difficult.

 

What would *really* motivate me is something no employer could offer as an incentive. Restaurant and retail gift cards or movie or show tickets or clothing items aren't going to do it. I will come in at my scheduled time. I will do my job to the best of my ability. And I will do this without you having to throw extras at me or motivate me. Keeping me motivated is mostly MY job, thanks.

 

Apparently, a good portion of the world isn't wired like that. In the last, say, week or so, I've gotten plent of reminders.

[shes2smart]

Don't Think About It

 

Cable company phone interview tomorrow. Trying not to think about it. Trying not to start wanting the job.

 

Not really succeeding at either.

 

Sigh.

[shes2smart]

Don't Think About It, Part 2

 

Phone interview must've gone ok. I got invited to go for an in-person interview with the individual who's actually going to be doing the hiring.

 

Yeah. Try not to think about now.

 

Ugh.

[shes2smart]

Don't Think About It, Part 3

 

Went for interview this morning. Thought it went well. Guy doing hiring LOVES that I can do VO stuff, sees it as a HUGE plus. Mentioned this several times.

 

Impossible to NOT think about it now.

 

Gah!

[shes2smart]

Alright, So I Thought About It

 

If I am offered this job and take it, this does not mean I'm giving up on the doing full time freelance VO goal.

 

What it means is higher and reliable income now, (hopefully) decent medical, dental & vision benefits (I'm on my husband's now and it's crappy high deductible insurance that would only be of any use if something catastrophic happened...and even then we'd still get stuck with HUGE bills), and free cable tv & internet. What it means is I get Food Network back. What it means is a little breathing room financially, so I'm not sitting here in 6 months trying to figure out how much to cannibalize my retirement money so we can keep making the house payment. What it means is doing my VO stuff in the evenings, and building from there. It doesn't mean I'm giving up. But there's some whiny-ass voice in my head that wants me to think I am.

 

Of course, I have not been offered the job yet, so this may all be for naught.

 

In a way, it's good that the phone and in person interviews happened so fast. Didn't have time to start thinking this stuff and having second thoughts.

 

Remember this: when you left the interview today, you thought the job sounded interesting and like it would be a good fit, you liked the work environment (well, what you saw of it), and you got a good vibe off the guy who would be your supervisor. It fit a lot of the criteria you learned would be a "good work environment" for you when you took all those tests at both rounds of career counseling.

 

You are not limiting yourself to the $26k/year the job pays. You will still do freelance. You will still pursue growing your freelance business. The $26k/year will be the reliable base income for you to build on. Just like the current $10/hour part time office gig has been your reliable base to build on the last year and several months.

 

They want to make a decision soon...like by the end of next week-ish. At least I won't be in suspense for too long. I have nothing to lose, really. If I don't get it, it's not like I don't have any income. I have a job (even though it's part time). I have money coming in from that job and from freelance. For the foreseeable future, that job is stable. If the other job is offered to me, I'm looking at a 40 hour work week, yeah...but I'm also looking at more income immediately, plus all the opportunities I listed off a few posts back.

 

Fear be gone. That's the whiny-ass voice in my head that's doing all the second guessing. Fear. Just when you think you've driven it out and banished it, it returns. Out. Out. Out. Fear and preparing for potential rejection. Becuase despite my efforts to not think about it, enough thinking has gone on that I will likely be disappointed if they don't offer me the job.

 

It's late. I'm tired. I'm going to bed and I'm really not going to think about all this for a few hours.

[shes2smart]

Mentally Checked Out

 

I have been mentally checked out at the current office gig for most of the week. It wasn't so bad the day of the phone interview. It got worse the day of the in person interview and went downhill from there. It's certainly no help that it's painfully, agonizingly slow...just like it has been for the last month.

 

I don't know for certain (as I'm way down near the bottom of the company structure), but I suspect if this company was run anything like the radio companies I've worked for, they'd probably be in financial trouble now, or careening towards it with an uncontrollable quickness. But since it's not a big corporate entity, and it's run by the people who actually own it and they work there, too, the company is pretty solid financially. From what I've been told, they've managed the money well - paying off debts and actually putting some of the profits aside when times were crazy good. In other words, they were some level of prepared for a time when things were not so good.

 

But no matter how well-prepared they are, there will come a time that even their resources will start running out. And there will come a time where, if business does not pick up, they will not be able to continue as usual. I'm not high up enough to know the details of where, exactly, they are. I'm not sure I want to know. But as I get through my shift doing whatever mindless busy-work I was given that day and then just waiting for customer calls or emails to answer, I have to wonder "How long are they gonna keep paying me to sit here and do basically nothing?"

 

And then this other opportunity crops up with the cable company. Getting it would solve a few problems....but would also (potentially) create others. But I think it would solve far more problems than it would create...at least in the short term/foreseeable future. I can tell by the way I've been mentally checked out the last few times I've worked that I'm sort of prepping to leave the current job. There's only one problem with that: I haven't been offered the other job. At this point I haven't been called back for a second interview (the guy who interviewed me the other day said he'd probably have one or two people back for a second round, then make a decision). Was it good he told me he was planning on a second round? He also mentioned how many people he was interviewing in the first round....was that information he really needed to share with me? Or was that a subtle tipping of the hand that he was leaning toward offering me the job?

 

Holy crap, even dating didn't have this much "read into stuff" going on.

 

I mean, I thought the interview went well, but I am notoriously bad at reading people I don't know. It's entirely possible I might've left the guy's office and he rolled his eyes and round-filed my resume and stuff. How would I know? I mean, he did also say that if didn't work out with the job, he'd definitely be interested in hiring me on a freelance basis for VO work. So, what do I make of that? "I don't think your qualified for the job, but you seem likeable and entertaining and you've got this thing you can do that I may need from time to time, so I'll toss you a bone"????

 

I'm allowing 3 more minutes of obsessing about this and then I'm going to go back to the cabinet hardware project. Yeah. I haven't managed to finish that yet. 10 more %$@^(*# handles to go and I stalled about 2-3 weeks ago. I have the handles. They're sitting on the kitchen counter waiting to be installed. I just got up to a couple cabinets that are jam-packed and dirty and I've been avoiding dealing with them. Even though the ones I already cleaned, organized and put new hardware on look really good.

 

This weekend, at least 6 of those handles are getting installed. Ideally, all 10 will be installed, but I think 6 is a more reasonable, attainable goal.

 

If nothing else it will keep me busy while I wait for the second interview call.

 

If I'm being invited back.

 

Harumph.

[shes2smart]

Finished!

 

The cabinet project is done.

 

I also did laundry, cleaned the bathrooms & got stuff to make dinner tonight (we're having people over).

 

But the big accomplishment was getting the cabinet project done.

[shes2smart]

Shut Up, Already!

 

So, I was driving home from the office gig and this bubbled up: Getting yelled at for "not sticking with anything."

 

When I was grade school age I took piano lessons for a short time and ballet lessons for a few school years. I no longer remember if either of these were my idea. Given my (lack of) desire to stick with them, I would hazard a guess that they probably were not my idea.

 

The piano lessons were first. Don't remember much about them except that trying to learn how to read music made no sense to me. I also remember that we didn't have a piano at home and I was given a 2- or 3-foot printed paper keyboard to "practice" on. The piano lessons didn't last long. Not sure why. Dunno if I somehow managed to express my dislike for it or if my piano teacher said something to my parents.

 

Next came ballet. I went with one of the girls in the neighborhood. The first place we took lessons was a sort of general dance school that had ballet, tap, jazz and some other lessons for children and adults. My class had girls of all ages, shapes & sizes. I remember it being sort of fun. After a couple school years there, I started taking lessons at the "serious" ballet school in town. At the first place, we could wear any sort of bodysuit and tights we wanted to. At the second place, students at my level wore standardized Danskin black leotards and Danskin pale pink tights. The girls who had been taking classes there for a while all looked like ballerinas - thin, delicate bony creatures.

 

I hated it. I hated it even more when the instructor pulled me aside one day and gave me a little speech about my weight. As in, there was too much of it. I was in 5th or 6th grade, for God's sake.

 

At that point I recall stepping up my campaign to quit ballet lessons. There were a lot of locked horns over it at home. During one of these arguements is when I got yelled at for "not sticking with anything" and the piano lessons were thrown in as an example.

 

All along, I wanted to take horseback riding lessons (and said so)....and children's theatre classes. I was told no.

 

Around the time of the Ballet Blowout, my parents ran into some financial difficulties. This worked out well for me because one of the first things to get cut was ballet lessons. I gather the reasoning was along the lines of, "why spend the money to send the ungrateful wretch of a daughter to something she doesn't appreciate anyway." By the time I hit junior high school I hung up my Danskin leotard and ballet slippers for good.

 

But I apparently hung onto being yelled at for having a 2 minute attention span and "not sticking with anything." Because, when I think about it, that's where most (if not all) of the reluctance/negativity about the job at the cable company originates. I suspect it's also part of the reason I stayed in my first job for 20 years even though there were several points along the way where I probably should have been at least looking to leave in order to better my income and/or career growth. (...when I cared about having a "career") It's where the "oh...so you're giving up on doing full time VO, huh?" and the "Yeah, sure you'll keep working on that if you get the cable company job" snide remarks are coming from.

 

This all bubbled up because I caught one of those subtle voices in my head getting loud enough to hear. It was yelling at me about "this" (as in my current financial/job predicament) being the fault of my "inability to stick with anything." It continued with more crap along the same lines -- that my resume is one long example of my "inability to stick with anything," and blah, blah, blah. It got loud enough for me to hear it yesterday, so I turned it up to see what other BS it was spewing and so I could let it know I knew it was there and blow its cover. I haven't lived in my parents home for over 20 years. I don't have to. I still carry it around in my damn head. Even though it doesn't fit with what I know now, and it's heavy, and if f'ing hurts to carry this around with me.

 

What if?

 

How would I be different if I'd been permitted and encouraged to pursue the things I was really interested in when I was a kid, instead of having to wait til my late 20's to be around horses and college for theatre/performing? How would I be different if I'd been praised for wanting to and encouraged to experience and learn about a lot of different things rather than been yelled at for "not sticking with anything"?

 

Because here's the truth: If it's something I like and am interested in, I do stick with it....through good, bad and downright ugly. At 15, I first said the words, "I want to be a radio DJ." And I did that. I did that for a long-ass time. And I was good at it. And I stuck with it through a lot of crap that I probably shouldn't have. Sticking with something that no longer fits and no longer works isn't admirable or desirable. This present financial situation is not not going to work for me long term. I saw an opportunity to change that with a job that appears to fit my skill set and looks to be the type of work environment I've had multiple tests and previous experiences tell me is a good fit, so I decided to pursue that opportunity. That's what sane and healthy people do. They change things around so their life functions better and they move themselves to a better place. They don't stay in a part-time gig on a (possiblly) sinking ship and do nothing because "sticking with something" is some sort of be-all, end-all perfect goal. It's not.

 

So shut up, pack your bags, and get the hell out of my head.

[shes2smart]

Yeah.......

[shes2smart]

Incoming! (Not)

 

As in no call back for a second interview.

 

As in, we're approaching halfway through the day on Tuesday of the week after I talked to the guy and nothing.

 

It is not helping that I am crampy and hormonal and want to crawl out of my own skin because everything is that irritating. Other than getting a check for $350 from one of my clients in yesterday's mail, the VO stuff has been an annoying series of disappointments the past week or so, too. A lot of "we liked your audtion....but we're hiring someone else."

 

I had started to want the cable company job...but I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that says it's not going to happen, and I don't really understand why. Both interviews seemed to go well. I thought I did a good job of explaining how what I've done previously applied to the job duties. I don't get where the disconnect is -- nearly every supervisior I've worked for would re-hire me if they had the opportunity (and at least one has)....but when it comes to interviewing for stuff with people I don't know = FAIL. Yet, they'll hire people who ultimately don't work out because of all sorts of crap they failed to catch in the interviewing process -- Stuff that wouldn't have been an issue had they hired me. What the hell are you people seeing that makes you want to NOT hire me?!?!?

 

Ugh. Maybe Mr. Good Hair was right about that whole "unemployable" thing.

 

I had a dream last night and he was in it. We were sitting in a theatre, before the show started. Audience members were still coming in, finding their seats. And we were just sitting there talking and waiting for the show to start. He was much more talkative in the dream than he is in real life. Dunno what we were talking about.

 

That's all I remember about it.

 

I don't think I'm done whining yet.

 

It occurs to me that I passed the 18-months-post-downsizing mark last month. I was expecting something a little different by now, but it's more of the same. If I think about it (especially if I think about it when I'm crampy & hormonal) I get angry, but I couldn't tell you who/what I'm angry at. There's just this overwhelming need to throw a tantrum like a 2 year old and scream about how "it's not fair" and how "I did stuff the way you're supposed to" and "I have a college degree, for God's sake" and "I'm a hard & efficient worker" and "my only failing is that I can't kiss ass very well" and on and on and on. It would do absolutely no good. I mean, I don't think it would even serve to make me feel any better to express it, really. It's likely to be the kind of thing that feeds on itself and just gives me an attitude and a (huge) chip on my shoulder.

 

I don't know what else to do at this point...with any of it. Trying/tried to make the part time gig work...and it sort of is, but the business is....well, it's been better. Like I said before, I'm not privy to detailed financial information, but I'm not blind, either. Trying to get freelance going, but it's difficult. I don't know that it's markedly more difficult than I expected, but I also thought it might start to ease up some after a while. I'm of mixed opinions on finding another/better/full time job, still...but even my puny efforts towards that have been discouraging.

 

So, I go back to my RSI teachings. The belief system that has served me so well and through so much. Even the answers there feel like they're falling short right now.

 

If this was a movie or a TV show, right now my phone would ring. It would be the cable people wanting to set up a second interview or just straight up hire me.

 

(waiting)

 

Nope, just silence.

 

Welcome to Real Life.

[shes2smart]

So Tired, Tired Of Waiting...

 

So I called the guy who interviewed me last week. He had given me his # and email at the end of the interview, so I figured it was fair game. Got voicemail. Left a brief message. We'll see.

 

But I'm letting it go now. As is always the case, within 24 hours of the bleeding starting, I am no longer hormonal and irritable and weepy. I'm freakin' hemorrahaging but my mental/emotional state is back to its usual merry self.

 

So, I don't know why I didn't get a call back but I do know it doesn't matter. As always, at any given time, I'm right where I'm supposed to be and it's all working out for my highest good. Who knows? It could be coming down this way because that VO gig that rockets me to the next level could happen any time...and I'll need the time to work on it, not at a full time job.

 

Oddly enough, on my last library trip (which happened the week before I applied for this job) I picked up a book called "Embracing Uncertainty" link removed and had just started reading it a few days ago. Turns out my usual attitude of "I'm right where I'm supposed to be" and "there's larger picture I'm not seeing" are pretty damn healthy ways to deal with uncertainty.

 

So, I asked (politely) for a call back either way on the message I left. We'll see what happens. But for my own peace of mind - I'm stickin' a fork in this one.

 

Oh, so in addition to having a dream about Mr. Good Hair yesterday, I also had an email from him AND I heard a spot he voiced while I was driving to work. I didn't make the connection until now, but it was almost as if Something was trying to remind me -- "Hey! This...this is your goal...Remember? You were following in this person's footsteps...remember?"

 

Yeah, I remember. And maybe I let the idea of a full time job sidetrack me the last week or 2. But I remember...

[shes2smart]

Then

 

 

 

It was a new song, then...and we had it in heavy rotation. Some weird mix of it with a lot of piano...not the version the other stations were playing.

 

And it was when I used to work after you on Saturdays. So long ago now.

 

But I still remember...and it makes me smile.

[shes2smart]

Heck, I Really Don't Know Anymore....

[shes2smart]

Well, That's Just Poop

 

Quite literally.

 

They've been having a bit of an.....issue where my husband works. Apparently there is someone(s) who is upset by some of the recent changes at the facility and is choosing to express their angst by..... How do I put this? Re-decorating the restrooms with their bodily wastes.

 

Yeah. Something that it would never even cross my mind to do....yet that person(s) manages to get hired. Go figure.

[shes2smart]

Wall Of Anger

 

I don’t know where it came from, really. I just know that I went crashing into it full bore earlier today.

 

There is part of me that has just had it. Today, it DEMANDED to know how long I was going to keep up the Pollyanna BS and keep being grateful for crumbs. I’m pretty sure this was all brought about by not hearing back about the cable job….and more “we liked your audition a lot, but we’re hiring someone else” stuff going on at v123 lately.

 

I mean, jeez, there’s a person (or people) at my husband’s job who apparently think it’s just fine to pee all over the restroom and smear their poop all over the restroom walls because they don’t like the schedule changes….and someone thought it was OK to hire them. They somehow managed to make it through all the screening & interview stuff I have been unable to. But me? No one wants to hire me. What the hell am I doing wrong?

 

So frustrated with this situation. It was supposed to be better by now, wasn’t it? Maybe I should’ve used my severance to go back to school (for what?????) or maybe I should’ve kept on looking for a full time job after I got the part time office gig.

 

Maybe I talked about doing freelance VO too much in the interview (…..but he kept asking me about it…?), maybe I didn’t make it clear enough that I was, y’know, done with radio. I mean, jeez, people look at my resume and assume I’m going to go running back just because I did it for 25 years. I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT ANYMORE! DON’T YOU PEOPLE GET THAT? DON’T YOU GET THAT I’D HAPPILY TAKE AT $26K A YEAR JOB…AND PROBABLY STAY THERE LONGER THAN YOU ASSUME I WOULD?!

 

At the same time, I know I really don’t want the full time job working for someone else. Maybe people can tell that – that I am so jaded and distrustful of employers that I don’t want to work for someone else again unless I absolutely have to. I mean, I never saw that chip on my shoulder when I was in my bitter, man-hatin’ phase back years ago when I was single. But every man I encountered saw it from a mile away. Maybe I’m having the same thing going on with employers. They know I’m only doing things because I need the income, but my eye is on a different goal that doesn’t involve their company.

 

But, really, how different is that from most working people? I mean, most people don’t have that “dream job” that they’d do for free. I used to. When I still loved radio and when it was the business it used to be…. I don’t really expect to find that again, and I don’t think most people have that. They work because they need the money. So, how does that make me any different from most people? No, sorry, I CAN’T give my all to an employer again, ever. No one pays enough. I already did that once and it did not turn out well.

 

There is part of me that is tired of living off crumbs and being grateful for crumbs because it KNOWS I deserve better and I deserve more than crumbs. That part is so incredibly pissed off (and has been for about a week) and doesn’t want to be silent anymore. It wants to yell and scream and cry and kick me and everyone around me in the ass…and demand…..DEMAND better. It wants to yell, “No, it’s NOT enough that I can just cover my bills! I WANT MORE THAN THAT!!!”

 

Peter McWilliams said anger is an emotion that gives you energy to get off your ass and DO something. I was able to channel it into some constructive things last week (re-designing business cards & having them professionally printed instead of my DIY ones, researching costs for bulk mailings instead of my hand-written ones, emailing the lady at the temp agency to find out if temping’s an option if things go sideways at the office gig). But I’m just not seeing much in the way of results.

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was last week….I need to be patient…blah, blah, blah. I’m tired of being patient. I’ve been busting my ass on this for a year now and while there’s been some progress, I WANT MORE. And I don’t know anyway to make it happen faster, because so much of it is out of my control. The problem is this – I can’t coast like this indefinitely. I only have finite resources, and some of those resources, I really don’t want to start getting into. And if things don’t start moving along here, I’m gonna have to start using the money I don’t want to use.

 

In some sense, I understand it’s a test. How much do you want it? But how many f’ing tests do I have to be put through before there’s a sizeable reward for jumping through all the hoops? Huh?

 

I mean, I can’t even pinpoint what/who I’m angry at. Who do I blame for this? Myself for not having a back-up plan for “after radio?” World governments and financial markets for creating a precarious financial situation that zapped my good job? My last radio employer for deciding I was expendable (probably due, in part, to the fact that I refused to let another radio employer work me to death)? Who does it get directed at?

 

Having someone to blame won't solve anything, either...so it's kind of waste of time to go looking for that.

 

I don't know what to do with this, really. For now, I guess I sit with it until it lets me know what to do...

[shes2smart]

"You Can't Keep Running To Us For Help"

 

So, I had this dream a little while ago. In it, my mother was yelling at me and she said that -- "You can't keep running to us for help."

 

And I stood there, dumbfounded for a moment, then I said, "Hold up a minute...let's rewind that....I can't keep running to you for help? I haven't even spoken to you in a DECADE! I've dealt with a decade's worth of crap without ANY help from you. How in the hell can you stand there and tell me I can't keep running to you for help when I haven't asked you for help AT ALL!"

 

Then I woke up. And it didn't put me in a good mood.

 

Can I go back to last week's dream when I was sitting in a theatre with Mr. Good Hair, please?

[shes2smart]

Waffles

 

It's amazing how people will tell you what they think you want to hear.

 

Good Lord, I hope I have at least a few real friends who love and respect me more than that.