Wonderland

[shes2smart]

So How's That Workin' Out For You?

 

All those theories you have about what makes for the ideal relationship....all those requirements and "must haves" for a partner while you do whatever you want and have the attitude that other must accept you because you aren't about to change....How IS all that working out for you, anyway?

 

Oh, you're still single? Really?

 

You said - years ago - I did everything all wrong, and here I am years down the road, still happily married, and you're still looking and seem kinda unhappy with your life.

 

....and you still want to tell me what I'm doing wrong.....

 

Huh.

 

Maybe the only thing I'm doing wrong is continuing any sort of communication with you.

[shes2smart]

Revisiting The Past For Posterity

 

Somehow, my ex-college bf met a gal who is currently a student at the college we went to. This girl is involved in the campus radio station and has developed an interest in the history of the place and has taken to tracking down and interviewing previous generations of student staffers. My ex-college bf and I met there some (cringe) 25ish years ago. He was more of the "I like music so I hang around the campus station" type and I was of the "This is what I want to do as my career" type.

 

Anyway, there have been several emails and phone calls back and forth regarding this project. Mostly of the "Who else can this girl talk to?" and "Did you keep in touch with or know how to find them?" variety. All of the activity has resulted in getting in touch with a few people I haven't had contact with in years.

 

In some cases, you could definitely make an argument in favor of the "If people are not currently in your life, then it means they don't belong there" school of thought. In a few cases, it's been pleasant catching up. But mostly, I've found it a good illustration of why the past should have the common decency stay in the past and not go trying to romp around in the present.

 

One pleasant contact....a guy who was one of the engineers at the campus station. (Yes, it was, in fact, in my student days that I figured out being friendly with the engineering staff was in my best interest) Anyway, he's one of the few people I've had sporadic contact with on and off since we left that place. One of my best stories about him is this:

 

One of those times we had sporadic contact was when he moved back to town after some job changes. I hadn't seen him for several years. We were both in our early 30's at that point. Anyway, we went out one night, had dinner, talked, we did some other stuff, but at this point it escapes me whether we went to the movies or did something else, then we end up back at my apartment and we're talking some more.

 

It is closing in on 3am at this point, and he says he has something important to tell me. I am beyond tired and really just want to kick him out so I can go to sleep. He then makes the pronouncement that he's gay. I stare at him with the, "well, DUH!" look on my face and say, "That's great. I already knew that about you. Now will you please go home because I'm about to fall asleep." He laughed and said he figured I'd take it well, which is why I was further up his "coming out" list than other people he knew.

 

And now, the punchline. The above incident occurred around Christmastime. A day or two afterward I was doing my show on the radio station and playing Christmas music and happened to play a particular Christmas song that had me in fits of giggles for a good long while. Because one line just jumped out at me with a totally different meaning, and I've never been able to hear it the same way and not think about that night since.

 

Have yourself a merry little Christmas....make the yuletide gay.....

 

***Fast Forward to Present

 

In other news, it's been a week and the idiot warning light on my car has not come back on....and I have new tires.

[shes2smart]

Your Life....

 

link removed

 

Well, that assumes that I had a life to take away in the first place, doesn't it?

[shes2smart]

...You Should've Seen The Magic....

[shes2smart]

My Big 10".....

 

...pruning saw. This one, to be specific: link removed I just took down 2 Rose of Sharon trees with it.

 

Ever since we bought the house 3 years ago, the top branches of these two trees have been growing amongst some electric and telephone lines. I never liked it and always thought that under the right circumstances - storm, ice, etc. - they could potentially bring those wires down. I will no longer have to look out the back side of my house and see that, because both of those trees have been cut way back. I'm aiming toward a row of Rose of Sharon hedges along the back fence rather than the scraggly lookin' trees they'd become.

 

So now I'm sitting here with a big ol' glass of sweet tea, sweaty and itchy from the bits of saw dust that got everywhere and figurin' on showering in a few minutes. But this was the first big project I'd done with the pruning saw, so I was geeked about getting to use it after buying it a couple months ago. Yeah, I know...weird.

 

There are still a few trees that need to be taken down, but the two I just got done with were the largest of the bunch. Rest of this project should be simple. Time consuming, but simple.

[shes2smart]

Not Much Going On

 

I mean, really, there's quite literally not much going on.

 

In the last 3 weeks, I voiced the cereal sellin' project and then....nothing. Oh, wait, I did do a spot for one of the office gig's other companies, but they pay me for those through payroll. My supervisor told the Marketing Director I did VO work and used to be a DJ and so I started doing spots for one of the other businesses the company owns. It's like, one 15 second radio spot every other month or so. They pay me a little more than what I had quoted. Since they run it through payroll, it gets taxes taken out, so they upped the talent fee so I'd end up with the full amount after taxes. Pretty cool, huh?

 

At any rate, that doesn't make up for 2 weeks of nothing but auditions.

 

I have a couple of e-learning things coming....if my client ever gets their %&@^ together and gets a script written and approved. I've done some work for this particular client before -- I like them, they pay quick, and they're fairly easy to work with....BUT they're very, ah, flexible about their timeline on projects. Initially I was told one of these tutorials would be ready to voice "by mid July" and the other would be "by the end of the week." Haven't see the "mid-July" script and the "end of the week one" was.....oh, 3 weeks ago.

 

My contact tells me they still want me to do the work...but they're having a hard time getting a final, approved script.

 

This is what happens when you try to do something by committee.

 

There's part of me that wants to get totally freaked out by this lull, but at this point, it's happened enough where there's another part of me that knows it's not permanent. I'll find other projects to work on, and at some point down the road, I'll wish for a slow period like this so I can have a break.

 

But for now...it's just a matter of getting through it.

[shes2smart]

Paying Back

 

So I'm emailing back and forth with a potential client. He had gotten one of my direct mail pieces and has some interest in hiring me. Tells me he's got a 2 voice spot (male/female) he'd like to have me voice. Asks if I know any male VO guys. I tell him about Mr. Good Hair and send him to Mr. Good Hair's website.

 

Mr. Good Hair has been doing this for 15 years as his sole income. He has done work for some high-profile companies. If you live in the eastern half of the US, chances are very good that you've heard him on some radio or TV commerical in the past decade. I don't think the potential client was expecting that I'd not just know or know of someone of that level but actually be friends and have a history with them.

 

Mr. Good Hair, being his usual gracious self, agreed to do these spots for the same talent fee I quoted. I am pretty sure it's lower than what he is used to getting, but since it was me askin', he said tell the client he'd charge the same as I would.

 

15 years Mr. Good Hair's been sending freelance stuff my way, and yesterday, I got the opportunity to send something his way. That felt pretty good.

[shes2smart]

It's The Thought That Counts

 

Well, I had the thought to bring in Mr. Good Hair when it seemed I had the opportunity to do so. I can't control the fact that the client has seemingly flaked or failed to sell the concept to the advertiser. Thought doesn't pay my bills, though.

 

Ugh. August started off well with freelance stuff. Had a couple of nice, decent paying projects to work on the first week. One came from v123, the other was a referral from a project I got off v123 in July. After that, it's been 4 weeks of nothing but auditions, direct mail marketing, a $35 spot for my office gig's other business, and the non-opportunity opportunity that vanished as quickly as it sort-of appeared.

 

The paycheck I got from my office gig yesterday didn't help. It was like, "Yay! Money!" followed by the realization that it's not enough to pay what I need to pay without pulling money out of savings (again).

 

Knowing that the first 1-2 years of doing freelance VO work is tough for everybody and actually living through that time are two different beasts. In my head, I know it's just a matter of continuing to plug away and keep doing what I'm doing and get through this. But actually having to raid savings to keep the mortgage paid and so forth...this is where the real test is.

 

As it happens, my husband had never heard one of Mr. Good Hair's demos. Met the guy in person a few months back, but never heard any of his work. I was relating the tale of sending Mr. Good Hair's demo to my flaky client who was looking for a second voice on these spots that are looking less likely to happen at this point..... Anyway, as I was telling my husband about how it all got to that point, I played him Mr. Good Hair's demo. He listened, then about halfway through it he's like, "Oh, my God...he's really good...I've heard some of those spots." He had no idea my long-time professional colleague was quite that level. Then he understood why it is so freakin' HUGE to me that Mr. Good Hair has been giving me so much encouragement over the last year.

 

I am hanging onto that now. Something he said in a recent email....that I'm doing all the right stuff to get things going, I just have to keep at it. I can't get side-tracked (by, like, putting a lot of effort into finding a full time job because I'm freaked out about generating income), and I can't let myself get paralyzed with fear (by, like, being too freaked-out to buy the stamps I need to send out my direct mail stuff because I'm a little short on money at the moment.)

 

Conducting a job search for a full time job does not fit into my plan right now. It would be giving in to the free-floating fear that is threatening to take hold given the slightest opportunity. I cannot let that happen. If I don't keep pursuing this until it takes hold, I will very much regret it. Kevin Smith. What was Kevin Smith thinking when he made "Clerks"?

 

 

 

I'm in my "21 days of filming".....working my butt off without knowing what and when the payoff with be.

[shes2smart]

There's Something You Need To Watch

 

So, after spewing out the latest crisis-of-confidence-OMG-we're-going-to-go-completely-broke-and-have-to-live-in-a-cardboard-box-by-the-side-of-the-road histronics to my husband, he says he has something I need to watch.

 

It was a documentary on the making of "Clerks" oddly enough. And it was more than 21 days of filming. It was that followed by about 2 years of ups and downs and uncertainty and fits and starts and working at a low-paying job and dealing with a lot of bills and a lot of other crap before the it took off. So, yeah, there were times when he doubted and wondered if he was doing the right thing or if he'd just made a huge mistake. But he kept moving forward anyway.

 

Which is what I've been doing....and what I need to keep doing.

[shes2smart]

It's Sorta Like Having A New Computer

 

Tuesday, I was sitting here, obsessively checking email inbetween reading posts here and looking at funny pics on the icanhascheezburger constellation of sites, when I got a little pop-up warning that my firewall had been shut off. Next thing, my anti-virus program started popping up alerts. Went to check it, and the control panel was indicating that the program had done what it was supposed to and removed or blocked the malicious items.

 

Then, things started getting weird -- random ads and pop ups and warnings from something claiming to be anti-virus software urging me to "click here" to get the full version of the program.

 

Had an IT guy friend of ours come over after work and look at the situation. He tried to remove the nasties from the computer....and it almost looked like he had....until we hooked it back up to the internet and were treated to the same barrage of ads.

Wednesday, I spent most of the morning salvaging what I could in preparation for reformatting the hard drive.

 

In the midst of all this, I got a $300 read for a sofware tutorial AND (this is fun) a $150 gig for a company that makes electronic casino games. I'm going to be the voice on their new Blackjack and Baccarat games. Also had the client who booked me & Mr. Good Hair for those spots (we did the session Tuesday) call to get some re-cuts on a couple of my lines. What we had done was running a little too long, so he re-wrote a couple of my lines.

 

After I got home from the office gig Wednesday, we blew up the hard drive and reformatted it to get rid of the viral infection. Since then it's been a process of scanning, updating and restoring things to something like what it used to be. Granted, it's a 5 year old computer...but other than viruses there's nothing wrong with it and it meets my needs. Well, that, and I really don't want the expense of purchasing a real new computer now. We used to share it before we got the second computer for both of us to play Warcrack 2 years ago, so there was A LOT of crap on this one.

 

Even I was astounded at the amount of crap my husband had put on/accumulated on this computer. Well, since we're doing "his" and "hers" computers now, that's not going to happen on this one again.

 

I have been working on reading/editing this software tutorial most of the day today (I'm off from the office gig). I have to say - this is, by far, the most boring thing I've read to date. Really. Dull, dull, dull. I am mostly through with the reading and about halfway through the editing. I'm saving the game VO....kinda like dessert....because that one will be fun.

 

Both of these things have to be done & outta here by Monday.

 

I also heard from a previous client....a VO guy in South America I did some work for on a few months ago. He needs a native US English speaking female with no regional accent for a project he's bidding on. So he asked me to quote on a project that would be 4-5 hours of completed audio. If he can sell it to the client, I probably have a gig. I give it 50-50 for ever actually happening. But it was cool that I got asked to give a quote, y'know? Means at some point down the road, there is a good chance he'll have another paying gig for me (if not this one).

 

Our IT guy friend pointed us in the direction of some better anti-virus software that is actually free. The name-brand stuff I had installed here (and paid a yearly subscription for) failed us, Big Time, which is how we wound up in this mess this week. The first thing the nasties did was shut off the firewall and disable the anti-virus software. I don't claim to have a detailed understanding of this....but that's why I bought the Symantec product, y'know?

 

I mean, it's all sort of worked out ok -- this computer's kinda like new what with the re-formatting restoring it to its "new out of the box" condition. But, man, what a royal pain in the ass it was getting here.

[shes2smart]

P.S.

 

I'm swearing off the cheezburger sites, too.

 

This week wasn't the first time something wonky has happened with the ads they have on there....this just happened to be the worst one and one that managed to defeat the anti-virus program.

[shes2smart]

Where'd The Last Ten Years Go?

 

First, I must note the post # on the post about the computer virus episode....666. Heh.

 

So, I was driving home from the office gig the other day and I was playing the "what was I doing 10 years ago" game.

 

10 years ago now I had recently moved in with the last bf I had before I met my husband. That whole relationship doesn't seem like it was that long ago. In just a couple weeks, I'll have known my husband for 8 years. It sounds like a long time, but it doesn't seem like it's been that long at all.

 

I think of the stuff that's gone on in the last 10 years. These days I'm mostly focusing on how I managed to get through it all...using it as some flimsy reassurance that I will get through now, I guess.

 

I moved in with my last bf (aka "the cheater") 10 years ago. If I am honest with myself, I knew within about a month of moving in that it was a mistake...but I hung on and tried to make it work for about a year before I moved out. I haven't gone to the step of pulling out my journals from back then and reading what I wrote during that time. (Or what I was writing about a year later when I realized I HAD TO move out) But, I can remember at the time that it all seemed so monumental and difficult and sometimes impossible to walk through that time. And I mostly walked through that time alone.

 

Now it's just financial crap, but I have some good company for the journey....so what's harder? Walking through the tough times alone but with adequate fundage....or being broke and scraping by but with good companionship?

 

I went tharn doing second quarter estimated taxes back in June and my husband started helping with it then because he didn't like seeing me that freaked out and not really understanding why or what was causing it. We did third quarter estimated taxes last weekend, and it was a group effort. It was easier...but I was still flipping out. Not as badly as when I've figured them up alone, though. I transferred the money to pay estimated taxes today. Ouch. Just ouch.

 

I have a couple of clients I did work for who are dragging their feet on paying me. I think that is part of the problem right now. I mean, there's $750 that's over 30 days and another $300 that's just at 30 days that I haven't gotten paid for. Whoa, hey, there's almost the exact chunk of change you had to transfer into your checking account to pay taxes, huh? Heck, it's even a little more than you needed to pay that. Ugh.

 

That, however, is one of the downsides to doing freelance work or running your own business. Not everyone pays their bills on time and some people will try to get away with not paying them at all. I don't like being a pain in the ass, but sometimes, I guess you have to. I also don't care if I piss them off -- if they pay me that slowly, do I really want to do any more work for them? Since I'm running the show and don't have to answer to anyone, I can make that kinda decision. And the decision is, "if you're going to demand quick turnaround on your audio then take more than a month to pay me (and give me a lot of BS excuses on the way), no, I don't really want to do anymore work for you."

 

But I would like to get paid for the work I did do for you.

[shes2smart]

Why Can't You Leave My Melon Alone?!

 

Letter to the inhabitants of and passers through my back yard:

 

Dear Vermin of The Neighborhood:

 

First, you have to know that I'm aware that life on the street is tough. It can't be easy being a squirrel/rabbit/raccoon/bug/worm/bird at the complete whim of mother nature, no currency, and no 24-hour grocery stores. So, really, I understand why you occasionally feel compelled to help yourself to what I've grown in my teeny tiny raised bed garden.

 

What I don't get is this: Why are you taking one or two bites of something and then picking another one?! I could understand if there was, say, a half eaten tomato on the ground...you have tiny tummies, you get full. But couldn't the next one of you finish off the half eaten tomato instead of selecting a new one?

 

But, today, my gripe with you is the melons. Those two cantaloupe vines have been a crashing disappointment to this still-novice gardener. But there was one tiny, perfectly round, cantaloupe-looking melon that was thriving and looking like it was finally starting to ripen. I was looking forward to getting at least that one (tiny) melon as a reward for tending those two stupid vines all summer.

 

This morning, as I went out to look at the garden, I saw that one or several of you had decided to help yourselves at some point overnight. The tiny, nearly ripe melon had been severed from the vine and small, sharp teeth and claws had ripped it open, exposing pale orange flesh that the bugs were swirling about when I happened along.

 

What? Tomatoes not enough for you? I had/have PLENTY of tomatoes. You can help yourself to those....but why, oh why, couldn't you leave my melon alone?!?!?!

 

I think it's the least you could do considering that I do not try to poison you, shoot you, let my cats out to hunt you, nor do I own a dog that would make my backyard your personal hell. How do you show your gratitude for this fenced-in, predator-free backyard haven with free eats?

 

You wreck the ONE and ONLY melon I was able to grow.

 

Thanks. Loads.

[shes2smart]

Actually, I Blame Burger King

 

 

 

I think it started after those ads in the 70s....

 

 

 

 

Yeah...."nothing would make us happier than to give you exactly what YOU want, because it is all about YOU, after all."

 

And then people actually started believing that......

 

So, I blame Burger King.

[shes2smart]

Well, There's Your Problem....

 

$1,895.

 

That's how much billable work I have done and have not been paid for.

 

Granted, $845 of that is stuff I have done in the last 3 weeks, so it's not even 30 days old. I usually give them about 6 weeks before I start wondering what's going on and if I'm going to get paid.

 

Of the remaining $1,050 - $150 was (supposedly) mailed 3 days ago and should be here today or Monday (not holding my breath), I sent a "hey what's going on with this invoice?" email on another $300 3 days ago and have yet to hear anything from that company, the final $600 is from July and the last I heard (3 weeks ago) we were (supposedly) waiting for the client to make a few decisions on things. Argh. Argh. Argh.

 

I have to say that in the (almost) year I have been doing this, most of the time, clients have paid quickly (within 4-6 weeks) and I haven't been completely stiffed. Most of the time, I like to think people unintentionally and non-maliciously simply forget or get distracted and a little nudge is generally enough to get paid. I'm guessin' that's the case with most of what I'm waiting on now.

 

Most of them. The $600 job is starting to have some whiff of BS to it.

 

Welcome to the income life of the freelance worker. Owning and running your own business is FUN!

 

My husband recently got a promotion where he works. Unfortunately, it didn't include a pay increase (although there is pretty much unlimited overtime available if he wants to work). He does like the job better than what he was doing...so much so that I'm starting to get a little tired of hearing how much better he likes it. It has only been a couple weeks since he moved to the new department, so I'm not suggesting he rein in his enthusiasm yet. Let him have his moment(s) gloating about the new toy, because God knows I've probably done something similar about stuff, too. But I am getting tired of hearing about it every day. Especially in light of the fact that there's nearly $2,000 floating around out there that's (supposedly) mine that I can't get at right now.

 

One of the things that crossed my mind was that I am fast-approaching that 18-months-post-downsizing time post. I'm in that time period where (supposedly) things are stablizing/stablized and the new path is formed and clear/becoming clear. Looked at a certain way, I suppose that really is what is happening here. But my expectations of what it coulda/woulda/shoulda looked like are different than the reality. According to the last estimated tax stuff we did, the reality looks to be "about $10k a year less than when I was working full time" while my expectations were a being a little closer to where I used to be income-wise.

 

Could you handle a 25% per year decrease in income?

 

Could you do it 2 years in a row?

 

Cause that's what I'm workin' with here....which might account for the ongoing, low-level stress, anxiety and occaisional outbursts of fear.

 

But, hey, enough whining. I have the weekend off. After a quick stop at my bank's website, I will have the bills for this month paid, I'm physically feeling pretty good, and there's more right in my world than wrong.

[shes2smart]

A Year Ago.....

 

The power had just come back on after being knocked out for 6 days, the global financial meltdown started happening, I had no working studio, and we were still on the other server with all the guild drama.

 

Am I better off now than a year ago?

 

Yes.

 

Am I where I want to be?

 

No.

 

Am I taking the actions I need to take to get to where I want to be?

 

Yes.

 

Can I reasonably do more or control more than that?

 

Probably not.

 

So why waste energy on worry and fear?

 

I can't come up with a good reason. Lots of flimsy ones, yeah. But no real good, solid ones.

 

Sometimes, when I catch myself relaxing and thinking it's all ok, I will create reasons to freak out. Thinking of things that might possibly maybe have a chance of happening. Thinking I have to have it all solved and figured out now. The other day, I was trying to figure out how I'd ever be able to afford to retire...but I was doing it on the premise that I'd never have more money than I have right now. It's totally not realistic or logical to think that what I have now and what I earn now is going to be it....yet, I was running rampant with the idea that This Was It.

 

I call Bull****.

 

I'm falling into the illusion that transitory reality wants me to believe and forgetting the Truth of my being -- that I come from an Unlimited Source and Unlimited Abundance. I am forgetting how flexible "reality" really is.

 

In short, I am (once again) standing in my own damn way and limiting myself. It's another go-round of these on-going lessons of abundance, prosperity and faith.

 

Have you not been brought through everything that's been placed before you to this point? What possible reason do you have to think you won't be brought through this?

 

Everything always works out for my highest good.

I am one of God's favorites.

I am in my right and perfect employment.

 

And So It Is.

[shes2smart]

When I Got Home From The Office Gig Last Night

 

This is what I found:

 

- A check for $150 in the mail

- An email from a former client who wanted a read for a TV spot (new work)

- An email from the cereal retailer people telling me the check had been sent Friday and they will have another project they'd like me to do and will let me know details later this week

- An email from the game people. The last round of audio I sent them was approved.

- Payment for the game audio in paypal

 

I really must do those self-adjustment pep talks more often.....

[shes2smart]

Shaky Ground

 

Yes...self-adjustment pep talks.....

 

Because, from out of nowhere, my supervisor/former listener who hired me when I needed a job has decided to leave the company. He's going to work full time for the business he & his wife own and that she's been running. The future of our department is uncertain. Realistically, I doubt they'll get rid of us...but they will need to bring someone in to run the department. No, I don't want to...for a variety of reasons. I don't believe they would even seriously consider me for it, but I've already ruled it out.

 

Trust.

 

Everything always works out for my highest good. Everything. Always. All ways.

 

Invariably, people have been brought into your life when you needed them to be there, and when they'd done what they were brought there for, they moved on. This is no different....no different at all.

 

But it still feels like the ground is moving more than I'd really like it to be.

[shes2smart]

Spending The Day With Mr. Good Hair

 

In a virtual sort of way.

 

I had today off from the office gig and had a lot of "around the house" stuff planned -- laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, getting the place ready for a friend that's coming in from out of town tomorrow.

 

Around 9 this morning was the first email from Mr. Good Hair. He had a client who needed a spot for next week. It's for a grocery store, first half of the spot is female VO, last half is male VO. So, he emails me in a panic going, "Are you around today? Can you do these? Don't have copy yet, but should sometime today and they need to be finished by Monday." Well...one spot turned into 4, with the last 3 scripts arriving about a half hour ago.

 

But I spent much of the day just emailing back and forth with him about the spots - first the exchange confirming I could do them, then he sent me the script for the first one when he got it and I sent back the audio, then I emailed him to tell him I was gonna be out running errands for a hour or two, then we had a discussion about kitchen cabinet hardware and flooring, then I let him know I had returned from my errands, and sent him a link to a completed TV spot I voiced that I found online, then he found out there were 3 more spots and sent the scripts.

 

So, I feel kinda like I've been hanging out with Mr. Good Hair all day. Not a bad thing at all.

 

And, and, and....I only logged onto WoW for about a half hour very late in the afternoon. Not bad at all.

 

Got a chance to talk to my supervisor at the office gig about his imminent departure when I got there yesterday. I'm not as panicky and stuff as I was initially. He did ask if I was interested in applying for the job and I told him I wasn't. We talked a little more because he was curious as to why and wanted to make sure I really didn't want it. I'm guessin' he was doing information gathering for the owner. That's cool. While the guy that owns the place is a nice guy and all, talking to him just makes me a little nervous. Not for any reason other than the fact that he owns the place. I never have a problem with my immediate supervisor no matter what job we're talking about. But my immediate supervisor's boss always intimidated me...no matter what job or which person we're talking about.

 

Recently, I have also gotten sucked into the timesink that is facebook. It has put a slew of people I used to work with at Dysfunction Junction back in touch with me again. I do not know if this is a good thing or not. It's kinda weird. So far nobody's really wanted to, like, TALK to me or anything. Mostly, they've just sent friend requests (with no message) and I add them and that's about it. If that's all the interaction they're looking for/expecting, that's fine with me. Markedly more than that and I may have to re-think this whole facebook thing.

 

There was a check in the mail yesterday from the cereal people...and another check today for a spot I did on Monday. See? Some clients pay me right away. Why can't they all do that?

 

Speaking of clients who drag their feet on paying and facebook.....so after being on facebook a few days, I notice the "suggested friends" listing on the left side of the page. Imagine my surprise when Mr. Owes Me The $600 Talent Fee From July shows up as a friend suggestion. Dunno why or how...but there he was.

 

I did not send a friend request.

[shes2smart]

A Heaping Helping Of PAST-a

 

The former Mrs. Be A Writer was around for a visit this weekend. As we were having Saturday night dinner, we talked about our shared history working in the broadcasting business. She is still in it (for the moment) but is looking for a way out. We both marveled at how much crap we put up with….things that our non-broadcast counterparts always told us was just whacked. Things our non-broadcast counterparts said, “You’re kidding, right?” when we’d tell them about the latest happenings in our jobs. The things my therapist couldn’t understand.

 

Love makes you do stupid things. It’s even stupider when you realize you love(d) a job so much that you let people take advantage of your time, your talent, your good nature, your trust, your skills….. It kinda makes me sick if I think about it too much, but in the light of what was said over dinner Saturday, I have been thinking about it.

 

This week marks the one year anniversary of my freelance voiceover career. It’s certainly been an interesting ride thus far. What it needs to be in the next 12 months is “more lucrative.” I keep plugging away at it, no matter what fear I feel….I keep surrounding myself with success stories…I keep envisioning a growing client base...and those handful of clients that are going to be my stable, steady, on-going source of income....and my springboard to bigger things.

 

The haranguing voice of negativity and fear in my head (dammit, probably my mother again) gets at me sometimes. Telling me I’m just too lazy, too stupid, too unmotivated to find a “real” job, so I’m just fooling myself by playing around with this. I keep hearing massive “I told you so”s….they never liked the idea of me going into radio in the first place, so it’s oh-so-easy to hear them just being merciless about how I made a series of bad decisions.

 

But the sane, strong and healthy part of me knows that’s not the truth. It’s not The Truth. That The Truth is I was given this set of talents & abilities, and I’ve managed to find the courage to develop & hone them, then follow where they took me. The Truth is that I have been truer to myself in terms of career choice than a lot of people. The Truth is I picked what resonated with me and what I was suited for and was successful at it for many years. By the time I was asked to leave, I had been out of love with it for a while. It’s so clear to me now, when I look back on what I wrote….even as far back as 2003/04…I didn’t want to be there anymore.

 

Different parts of my past keep re-surfacing because of the musical soundtrack I’m pretty much constantly subjected to. My husband had the XM radio service turned back on (for 6 months), so that’s nearly ALWAYS on at home. It’s either on the station that reminds me of my college radio station or the more mainstream 80’s station or the mainstream 70’s station or the classic soul & Motown station. Then, when I go to the office gig, they have XM 25 (the bland) piped through the building. The Bland recently freshened up their music library by putting in a bunch of 10+ year old songs that had kind of “disappeared” from the radio. So, now I’m getting the entire decade of the 90’s rearing its ugly head in my head through no fault of my own.

 

I need to start turning off the damn XM radio at home. It’s really starting to bother me – I hear my childhood on the classic soul/Motown channel and the 70’s channel. I hear high school and college on the mainstream 80’s and college-radio 80’s stations…then I come to the office gig and get post-college up to about 10 years ago. This is far, far too much PAST.

 

Then, there’s facebook.

 

They finally wore down my resistance….the people I knew who were on there. So now I have a facebook page. Ostensibly for my business and for the purpose of networking, so there’s nothing of a terribly personal nature on there….and there won’t be. It’s not like here where I’m basically ripping my torso open and going, “Hey! Here are my guts! Have a look, why don’t ya?” on a regular basis. No, facebook is definitely the “professional” face.

 

But of the dozen or so “friends” that have located me, all but one are people I used to work with. The one that isn’t a former co-worker is someone from our current Warcrack guild. So….I’m thinkin’ that’s 11/12 “mucking around in the past” and 1/12 “now.” Again, this is far, far too much PAST.

 

I don’t do much in the way of sending “friend” requests….mostly I just sit back and see who finds me. Either because they’re looking for me, or they found me on a “hub” person’s page. (“Hub” people are people like the former Mrs. Be A Writer – natural networkers who know a lot of people from a variety of different places and keep in touch with them.) I am not a “hub” person, never have been. But I’ve always had one or two “hub” people in my life at any given time, and that’s always worked for me.

 

So, they’re trickling in…mostly through the 2 “hub” people I have on my list.

 

I dunno. After the initial,“Hey! Haven’t talked to you in forever!” wears off, are they really going to want continuous contact? Because the thought of that kinda makes my skin crawl. If I liked someone and wanted them in my current life, I made the effort to keep in touch. If I haven’t talked to you in years, chances are real good it’s because I just don’t want to talk to you because I have nothing to talk to you about.

 

If nothing more is expected of me than the occasional smart ass remark on the minutia of their day, I could be cool with that. If they’re gonna want much more, I might have to re-think this facebook thing. Because it occurs to me that it is, again, far, far too much PAST.

 

The other revelation I had about facebook is that it is a visible manifestation of the “Connect The Dots” game radio people have always played.

 

Heh. Who knew we were cutting edge. Now everybody’s doing it. Which generally means it’s time for me to stop doing it.

 

Yeah, I think I am suffering from far, far too much PAST. I need to do something about that and get back to NOW.

[shes2smart]

Words Cannot Begin To Express...

 

...how deeply disturbing this article is.

 

link removed

[shes2smart]

"So I Asked A Burning Question....

 

....why when I want to make a forward move do you knock me to the ground?"

 

 

 

I realize we are here to learn in this lifetime. But I've been on the same subject matter for a year and a half now and I don't know how many more lessons in it I can really take.

 

Apparently the answer is I need to take a few more, I guess. I suppose now we're going to be presented with a series of lessons regarding my employer trust issues, huh? Ok, then. If this is what I'm to work on, whatever. I realize it'd probably help if I could learn to (sorta) like or at least appreciate it....but I am SO not in that frame of mind right now. Grudging resignation is about the best you're gonna get from me now. In spite of that belief system I have worked so hard to craft and strengthen over the years.

 

I call BS. Sheer, complete & utter BS.

 

 

What? Couldn't come up with a better way?

[shes2smart]

"I Enjoy Being A Girl..."

 

Because feeling bloaty,crampy, tired, irritable, weepy and wanting to crawl out of one's skin when the bleeding hasn't even started yet is so much fun!

[shes2smart]

Another Week

 

The guy who hired me to read The Single Most Boring Piece Of Copy I Have Ever Read paid in less than 30 days. That check was in yesterday’s mail. I also got hired for something I auditioned for several months ago. Got the email about that earlier today. Had two small $50 jobs on Monday…previous clients who came looking for me. Have two other previous clients who gave me updates on some projects in the pipeline – scripts are being worked on, but they are both planning on hiring me when the scripts are ready.

 

And that’s more than I had this time last year when I was just about a week into this endeavor. For that, I am thankful. The plan is to keep creating these things. So, instead of a client list of about 3 dozen, it’s several times more than that…and enough to keep me busy and earning, oh, $700-1000 a week.

 

The first step is having a destination in mind…and I have that.

 

Fear is trying to gain ground at the office gig. I am resisting it with every fiber of my being. I like working there. But if it doesn’t last as long as I need it to, I can find another part time job. I don’t want to have to do that, but if that is what gets dealt to me, then that’s what I’ll do. I now have over a year of data entry, office work and customer service experience that I did not have before, so even a complete hiring moron won’t have to try to figure out if I’d be capable of doing such work. Even if it comes to that, it will only be temporary, as that is not my destination.

 

My destination is working mostly at home doing freelance voice work for enough money to live comfortably on. I am closer to this destination than I was a year ago. I may well be arriving at that destination a year (or less) from now.

 

They whisper…some of my co-workers at the office gig…they whisper about reduced hours, about job cuts...even though the owners have said they are not planning on doing those things. Apparently, the distrust of what an employer says is not unique to me, and it’s not unique to the radio business. One of my co-workers tells me she saw this same pattern at the last 2 places she worked (same line of business). One day it was “we’re not cutting hours/jobs,” and a few weeks later it was, “We have to cut hours/jobs” or “We’re closing.” She tries to get me to join her in the fearing, but I won’t. I can’t. It will not help me. I’m not going to shoot myself in the foot doing something stupid like fearing.

 

Life goes on. Things get better. It’s all cyclic. And I have always been watched over and cared for.

 

All that and I’m just plain old stubborn and refuse to let fear run away with me.

 

It won’t win. I will.

[shes2smart]

Wow, You Really Believe That? Really?

 

She said she had something really creepy and scary to show me. She said she believed it was true.

 

It was one of those stupid emails that make the rounds. The kind of thing I don't even bother reading and (thankfully) rarely get because I ask people not to send me that crap.

 

This one she showed me was some bizarre mix of Bible prophecy and current political events that "proved" the Bible prophecy indicating we are in the End Times or some such crap. I cannot believe that people actually:

 

1. Waste their time putting this crap together and sending it out

2. Waste their time reading it

3. Actually believe it...even a little

 

"Doesn't that freak you out?" she asked.

 

"Why should it?" I asked her, and proceded to explain to her that the sole purpose of that email was to make people afraid. And how people who are afraid are easily manipulated. Religions, Politicians, Advertisers, the Media.....fear is one of the easiest tools to use to control and manipulate large groups of people....and they all use it.

 

And I realized why it get used so often still. A lot of people....hell, maybe even most people....still fall for it often enough that it works. Enough of them fall right in line with whatever the Religious or Political leader wants them to do or go buy whatever the Advertisers & Media want them to buy, that it's an effective tool.

 

I do not want it to be an effective tool to use on me. I do not want to be manipulated to fit someone else's agenda. If that means I have to stare down my fears every damn day until I see them for the BS that they are, then that is what I will do.

 

I remember that TV preacher I happened upon a few months back -- Fear Is Not Of God.

 

Don't remember who he was, what channel it was, or what the rest of his message was. What I remember is the part of the message I was supposed to get - Fear Is Not Of God.

 

And you wonder why I don't much like talking to people. If I talk to them, I find out some of the crap they believe and it just dumbfounds me.