Wonderland

[shes2smart]

Stupid Uterus

 

Oh, jeez, shut down already. I've been taking 5mg progesterone every day for 3 weeks now and you still insist on cramping at random times and coughing up just enough blood to be messy.

 

Isn't it enough that I've spent my entire life carting you around in my lower gut and you're facing backwards?!?! When I looked at the picture of the ultra sound from a couple years ago (when you started this bleeding without stopping malarky), it was just like someone took a picture out of an anatomy book side view of the female reproductive system and just snipped out the uterus and flipped it around. While the doc assured me that a backwards uterus wasn't uncommon....and that I wasn't going to bleed to death...still, I know damn well this isn't the configuration that the majority of females have.

 

Probably just as well I had no interest in using you for your intended purpose. I question how well you would've functioned with that whole pregnancy and childbirth thing.

 

But really, this random, intense cramping and spewing of blood needs to stop.

[shes2smart]

Not This Again.....

 

Spent the morning curled up in the fetal position in pain....except for the every-45-minute dash to the bathroom to change out the soaked tampon and/or pad. The cramping eased up in the early afternoon....but started tuning up for another round about a half hour ago.

 

How many ibuprofen can I take in a day?

[shes2smart]

...And This Is Success

 

Fall seven times and stand up eight

[shes2smart]

Of Course.

 

Spend $20 on an assortment of pads and tampons.....bleeding reduces to next to nothing less than 24 hours later.

 

Arrrrrgggghhhh!!!!

[shes2smart]

Strange Dreams

 

In the dream, I went back to work at Dysfunction Junction, a decade after I'd left. It was the same, but different, but the same... Very odd. I thought about waking up, but then I told myself, "Nah...let's just hang here and see what happens."

 

Not much. Cat started walking on me sometime after that and I figured it probably was time to get up then.

 

I've been thinking it's probably time to stop therapy. I have accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. Are there other things I could work on? Sure. There always are. But they're not what I went there for, and they're not things that are creating any sort of roadblocks to living a reasonably happy and productive life at this point. What I went there to work through -- the anger and angst about my husband's financial !%$&ery -- is no longer getting in the way of me living a reasonably happy and productive life.

 

We are coming up on Labor Day. It was around Labor Day last year that I told him I knew about the debt and, shortly after that, when he was asked to leave his job. A year later, and here are some things I have learned - I can cover the month-to-month bills living in the house requires without his help...since that's the case, I'm not in a position where I *need* to have him around. And that....that gives me the upper hand. I have learned that adjusting my expectations is the key to not letting this stuff get in the way of me living a reasonably happy & productive life. He is who he is. And who he is right now is a boat. And, for now, I'm ok with having a boat. At some point in the future, I may decide I no longer want a boat....and he may decide to become someone different than who he is right now....but for now, it's ok.

 

Yes, I have to say the last year has been a real hands-on exercise in scaling back my expectations to better fit reality. The further apart those two things are, the more miserable you're likely to be. The more in-line those things are, the happier you're likely to be. Also, further refinement in defining the line between "that which I can control" and "that which I cannot control."

 

I'm in a better place than I was a year ago....and I'm in a better place than when I started this round of therapy.

[shes2smart]

I Think It's Over...?

 

Been a week with no blood/signs of bleeding. Think the progesterone finally kicked in. Now I'm back to feeling low-level crampy and bloaty all the time. Which is also annoying but a lot less messy than bleeding all the time.

 

I enjoy being a girl.

[shes2smart]

It's All There

 

Just killed some time scrolling through my facebook posts from the last year or so. It's mostly links to songs on YouTube with a specific line or two from the lyrics quoted.

 

While the average observer would think there was nothing terribly personal about it and I'm just linking songs I like...the truth of it is this: Every quoted lyric was a snapshot of what was going on in my head or going on with me at the time it was posted. Basically, my guts are laid about as bare on facebook as they are here...it's just more subtle and with audio.

 

And it flies right over everyone's head.