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...And The World Moves On...


It's been 2 weeks since I saw the numbers on his credit report. Still haven't said anything to him about it. And I've decided I'm not going to just yet. In a few months, I'll pull another credit report and see if I can determine which way the debt is going. If it's going the "right" way (getting paid down), I may just continue my silence. If it's going the "wrong" way (getting larger), it may be time to intervene...before he digs a hole too deep to get out of.


These are his choices - to open these accounts, to use these accounts, to not say a word about these accounts and their balances. That's what he chose, so that's what he'll have. I do not particularly want to swoop in and make it better. I have done that previously and I don't know that it really taught him anything other than I'd take care of crap like that. Nope. Maybe if you have to deal with the stress and hardship of servicing/paying off that much credit card debt (not to mention the stress of *hiding* that much debt), it might dawn on you that you need to do things differently or make some different choices.


Upon further reflection, I'm pretty sure it all springs from buying the vehicle he couldn't really afford at a time when buying a vehicle wasn't his best option. A vehicle that I believe I tried to discourage him from getting, but ultimately, I realized that was wasted effort. I am stubborn, and I can recognize that in other people. He was going to do what he wanted to do and ignore any consequences that came up.


I mean, I had to make my own financial missteps before I got to where I am now. The difference is I was single and had no one to answer to when I made the majority of my missteps. I was responsible only for myself and always managed to keep a roof over my head and keep myself fed and keep myself in reliable transportation. I didn't have a spouse to fall back on (and, really, in some ways, even though I am married - I still don't) or someone who might want to know (and likely had a right to know) where the money was going.


So, yet again, the ideas I have (had) about long-term relationships and marriage and family are challenged, brought up for review, and changed in some way so they better match up with my reality. On the whole, it would still be a bigger pain in the ass to me to get divorced. This is probably a good thing for him. That consultation I had with the lawyer happened about 2 years ago (and for entirely different reasons than if I'd go for a consultation now), but it's still fairly fresh in my memory. What I came away from that meeting with was this: It's a lotta hoops to jump through to disrupt your whole entire life...are you miserable enough to do that? The answer back then was, "not yet, no..." and that's still the answer now.


It's hard to describe, really. I'm (...mostly...) over being furious about the money stuff. I still have my moments...and probably always will. But if I am honest with myself, it's not all that surprising that things are the way they are. That's it. This is who he is. It's who he's been the entire time I've known him. After his child support obligations (close to $500/mo) are finished, maybe that changes who he is financially. But this...who he is now...this is who he has been the entire time I've known him.


People stay in relationships for a laundry list of complex reasons...some of which they can't even adequately express to themselves, let alone to anyone outside of the confines of their own head. I would be foolish to delude myself into thinking that part of the reason he is still here *doesn't* have to do with plain financial practicalities. His life is financially easier & more comfortable with me in it than if I wasn't in it. What's unknown to me (and maybe even unknown to him) is how much of a factor that is. This is a path my poor, addled brain has been aware of for quite some time, but has been very hesitant/reluctant/afraid to wander down too far.


But, hey, since I seem to be in a phase where we're blowing up more long-standing concepts & ideas, why not plunge headlong into that area as well?

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Kindly Shut The Up


Sometimes, I hear things or read things that make me wonder what the speaker or author is thinking.


There was some sort of dietary expert on a TV show talking to a guy about improving his eating habits. She asked him to describe a typical day's food intake. He said something about liking lima beans. As she's going about her critique of his food choices, she blasts him on the lima beans, saying broccoli is better choice and he should switch to eating broccoli. Then she starts talking about other "vegetable substitutions."


Vegetable substitutions? Really? This is what it has come to? It's no longer "eat more vegetables," but "some vegetables are better than others and you must avoid the 'bad vegetables' along with all the other 'bad' food?"


Is it just me or is that a wee bit....erm...crazy?


I've seen similar articles about the quantity/frequency/type of exercise. Giving the impression that if you can't hit the gym doing this specific mix of activities for at least 30 or 45 or 60 (or whatever the current "magic number" is) minutes on 5 or 6 or 7 days a week, you're not getting any benefit from what you actually have time, ability and motivation to do.


Well, jeez, I guess there's really no point in getting my ass off the couch and cutting down on the ice cream, is there? I hate to tell these people their motivation skills SUCK. I will give them the benefit of the doubt in terms of having good intentions....but to spin your message in such a way that belittles and discounts the small steps people take (lima beans instead of, say, Cheetos or 2 or 3 thirty-minute sessions a week at the gym as opposed to, say, none) does not encourage them. Quite the opposite, in fact. I think it does more to make people toss up their hands in frustration and think they can't get it "right" so why bother trying at all.


Some days, I am quite convinced I am one of the few sane people left in the world.

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Dream On

The conversation that took place in my head:


"Was any of that real for you?"

"Yes, every bit of it...now let's go make it happen."


And then I laughed at myself because I still....after all this time, after all these experiences, after all this therapy...I still fall into the same patterns.


Denial ain't just a river in Egypt and "Dream On" ain't just the title of an Aerosmith song.


And some days, I'd rather live in my delusion than my reality....and eat cake for lunch.

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Sometimes, It's Just Not Worth The Effort


Lately, this has been the underlying theme of my thoughts. I wonder why am bothering to do the things I do.


Yesterday, something happened that has made me question why I bother at all. I was at the office gig and got an online inquiry about a car. I used our standard reply template that thanks the person for contacting the company, says who is answering their inquiry, and indicates whether or not the car is available and which lot it is on, then answered the question on the inquiry. Less than 10 minutes later I get a response to my reply complaining about the BS sales pitch and f-this and f-that and "just answer my f-ing question"....which I had done.




Gosh, sorry I asked you to read a couple sentences before answering your stupid question (which, if you'd read the vehicle description, you could've found out on your own). Sorry I was business-like - thanking you for contacting the company, introducing myself and letting you know the location and availability of the car you were interested in. Sorry I wasted your time inviting you to come look at the car in person and test drive it. Sorry the car apparently didn't have an option you wanted. Money can buy you a (used) luxury car, but it can't and won't buy you class.


And this has really bothered me. After I got that reply, I briefly considered shutting off my computer and walking out and never coming back. What is the matter with people that makes them think it's OK to do stuff like that? Do you think just because you're looking at a (used) luxury car, I should bend over backwards and kiss your butt because you have money (or at least want to give the impression that you do)? Just because you can hide behind some perceived anonymity by not putting an actual name or phone number on your inquiry, you can behave like a jerk? I mean, really, if you're going to be that way - own it. Come on down and have enough cojones to be rude and offensive to our faces. None of this hiding behind a free email address with no name spinelessness.


In and of itself, this is really nothing. Just some classless, rude person who doesn't understand how to interact in a civil, polite and professional matter. But in the larger context of what I'm dealing with right now, it's just another thing to make me wonder why should I even bother.


I've been off the Cymbalta for about 8 weeks now. I wonder if that's part of the reason for this outlook of everything being pretty much futile and/or pointless. Do I blame that? Do I blame the discovery that my spouse is hiding 5 figures' worth of credit card debt? Is it a little bit of both? Is it all of the above plus other things I'm not consciously aware of and/or haven't mentioned?

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You're Looking For Someone Who Can Sound Like What?

In my on-going run-ins with stupidity lately comes this: A voiceover gig posting. Looking for a voice talent who sounds like a young, slender, African American female. I re-read the gig posting several times to see if maybe I missed an on-camera aspect to the gig, and nope...no, I didn't. It's strictly a voice piece.


How, exactly does one "sound slender?" (For that matter how does one "sound fat" or "sound plump" or "sound like I could stand to lose a few pounds but still look pretty good?")


What brainiac decided that "slender" has a particular sound?


It's a good thing I have no knowledge of and/or experience with firearms. I'm not sure who I'd shoot at this point.

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Full Circle


About 2 years ago (here) we went to a Francis Dunnery House Concert. Looking back, I kinda see that weekend as the end of/beginning of a certain phase....like the last event before the weird drama started.


Well, the opportunity to attend another Francis Dunnery House Show has come up. It is in a few weeks. Different hosts, different town, different house. Just worked things out with the host and we are going. This one will be a bit different in that the show attendees will also have the opportunity to spend some one-on-one time with Francis the day after the show. We are trying to work out details to participate in that as well.


I find myself thinking that this is other bookend....the two House Shows are the parentheses around the last 2 years (which have been.....something....)


Maybe I should quit trying to read ahead and look for meaning and just focus on enjoying the experience.

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Isn't It Ironic...?


That a song called "Numb" has been the key to breaking into some of emotions that are coming up about the f'n hidden credit card debt situation.


And, yeah, I know I posted it 10 posts ago/less than a month ago. You don't want to know how often I've been listening to it.

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On The Positive Side


Because burying it under a mountain of fried zucchini isn't gonna make it go away.


Well...at least it's fried vegetables and not, say, fried candy bars....or fried cheese. I guess it's not as bad as it could be.


Just to change it up, I fried patty pan squash the other night instead. Today my choice is deal with it or fry some eggplant.

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8 Weeks Later


I'm starting to think I should be back on the Cymbalta.


I'm not real sure how I lived with my brain being like this....and I'm pretty sure it was like this before I started taking the Cymbalta. It seems like that specific drug has the right combination of things that corrected whatever it is that makes me like Eeyore. (And not the happy, smiling, Disney-ized Eeyore....the chronically depressed Eeyore of my childhood)


It's just so freakin' expensive to be on it...even the lower dose is now $500 for a 90 day supply. (....and that's with the discount from prescription insurance) Trying to find out when a generic version might be available, but can't find a definitive answer.

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Ok, maybe the lack of Cymbalta is not entirely to blame.


I was looking over posts from earlier this year and stumbled accross this one. I was still on daily Cymbalta at that point...but that pervasive "what's the use" feeling was going on then, too. I don't know that it ever *really* went away. I think I am successful at pushing it aside for brief periods of time, or perhaps ignoring it for brief periods of time, but it comes back. Maybe because there is some degree of truth to the things I observe and the things I feel. Maybe because I am approaching 50 and have started to notice that is repeating. The scandal du jour sounds similar to a scandal du jour from when I was in high school...or college...or in my 20s or 30s.....only the names of the people involved and a few details have changed. But, as I have said on here a time or several dozen, people simply are not finding any new ways to screw things up.....they're just doing it more publicly and have tools & technology to let them make more of the same mistakes faster and for a wider audience.


The gray and white boy is staring at me like he wants something. We have developed a little bedtime ritual, the cat and I...and this is how it starts many nights. He sits by the corner of my desk, staring at me, like he's thinking, "Hey, idiot human, it's bedtime. Let's go." He waits for me to brush my teeth and get in bed, then he jumps up and sits next to me and I have to pet the kitty until I get too sleepy to keep doing it or until he decides he's had enough pet the kitty.


My (almost) 13 year old cat has more sense than I do...and that's a little pathetic.

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Do As I Say.....


The last couple weeks have included a few incidents where I've run head-on into a situation where the person/people I was dealing with were experiencing frustration because other people were failing to live up to their expectations. Rather than change their expectations (...to something more realistic, IMO...), in each case, they decided the answer was to get the other party to do what they thought the other party should do.


Then I noticed something. The person complaining about the "failure" of others wasn't even living up to their own expectations! How can you logically and realistically expect others to do what you claim is right and proper when you're not doing it yourself?! "Do as I say and not as I do" is not a great way to motivate others. In each case, though, the person complaining seemed to have a HUGE blind spot about their own failure to live up to their own expectations. If you can't live up to your own expectations, why should the rest of the world be bothered to/obligated to even try? But, again, the only answer I seem to get is some variation of "they just should."


Consequently, each of these people lives in a near-constant state of mild irritation (at best) or full blown pissed-off (at worst). And, really, I wouldn't give a crap...it *is* their choice to make, after all...but they insist on whining to me about their discontent and how if (name/names) would "just do this or that" it would all be better........


Sigh. Really? How about you change your expectations to something more realistic and start living up to them yourself before you start trying to get everyone else to do as you say?


I wish I lived in a perfect little world where people did everything they were supposed to do, the right way, 100% of the time...a world where no one ever made any mistakes or misunderstood something or just plain old decided they wanted to do something different than what was expected (sometimes with benign intent...and sometimes with malicious intent)...a world with no curveballs, mishaps, accidents (happy or not so happy), screw-ups or unexpected events. Wouldn't that be great? Sure it would. And since that's what I want, I'm going to throw a freakin' hissy fit every time I am confronted with evidence that I don't live in that world.


That's just how these individuals are, though. For me to expect them to be otherwise would be hypocritical. So, when they start having the hissy fit du jour, I glaze over and tune out. The mental equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and shouting, "la, la, la....I can't hear you...."


I tire of being around them, though. It's a drain on my energy. What do I need to do to get farther away from them? Hmmm....something to ponder.

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Misplaced/Misdirected Anger


As I was having lunch, it occurred to me that the fit of pique I've been having at the entire world lately is really misdirected. I doubt I am truly annoyed by the hypocrisy, judgementalism and holier-than-thou-ness of the world.


What I am truly irritated by is this damn hidden credit card debt situation. There's one person who is the main force behind that. And that is where the anger should (rightly) be directed.


Instead I've been taking it out on myself with plates of deep fried zucchini, patty pan squash & eggplant. After something that felt like my gallbladder tuning up for a performance, I laid off the deep fried crunchy goodness and started getting annoyed at other people in general. But it's really only ONE person that is the rightful target of my ire.


I have a call in to a lawyer. I want to find out how much - if any - of this mess I am liable for. Once I find that out, I think I can get a better handle on whether I need to come out with guns a-blazin' (in a figurative sense) or if I can take a kinder, gentler approach. I will be catapulted into new levels of pissed off if state law says I'm on the hook for any of this debt.

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Coming Around Again


And in the midst of all this, you show up again. Like your antennae picked up some weird distress signal.


Y'know what? I already went wandering down this detour and it didn't really get me anywhere. I think I'll just take my chances on this pitted and under construction road I am on.


Nope, I can't see knowingly setting up another situation where I'm likely to be disappointed by a (...yet another...) guy. I had a bitter, man-hatin' phase for about year many moons ago. Just before I met the alcoholic, I think. It all kind of runs together anymore. Point is, I wonder if I'm not sliding into another bitter, man-hatin' phase. I mean, (expletive) I sure can pick them, can't I?


But there is voiceover work to be done and I also have to go to the job today (even though it's supposed to be my day off....). And wallowing in this anger and annoyance is not going to do anyone any good...least of all me.


So, as I have written before and advised people here....I now remind myself:


No one. NO ONE will look out for your best interests the way you will. Not your family, not your friends, not your spouse, not your employer, NO ONE. It is not their job...it never was. Even those you pay to provide services are, at best, partners -- even they will not look out for your best interests the way you will. Stop expecting them to and stop thinking they will, because they won't....no matter what they say.

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Mulling Things Over


So the Francis Dunnery house concert and astrology reading all went off as planned. I've had astrology readings before. I've had therapy before. This was like doing both. I was freakin' exhausted afterwards. It was really kind of strange...I mean, here's this musician I've liked for the last...oh...18ish years, found a lot of meaning in his lyrics and so on...and I had this opportunity to spend one-on-one time with him talking about...me. I'm still processing it. He took my birth data and ran my chart. After looking at my chart for a few minutes, he asks me a specific question about how I approach the world. It startled me a bit because there are people I've known for years who don't know what he asked me about.


It really was some odd mix of astrology reading and therapy session. I'm glad I took the opportunity to do it, though. Ever since I learned he was an astrologer and did readings, I'd always wanted to get a reading from him. I thought it'd be interesting, and it definitely was that.


It was his opinion that I should be back on the radio, but I really don't have any interest. Not with the current state of the industry, anyway. Maybe at some point in the future it will evolve in some way that might make it appealing to me again, but the way it is now...nah, I'll pass. Keep focused on the voiceover work. (Although it was also his opinion that I really need to do more than one thing to be happy -- that I function best when I have a lot of different things going on.) There is some truth in that...I call it my 2 minute attention span...and he saw that.


It was a couples' reading, so my husband was there and had his chart done as well. He's never had any sort of astrology reading or therapy, so I'm pretty sure the whole thing just left him puzzled and wondering what the hell he'd gotten himself into. However, he could appreciate the fact that we got this unique chunk of one-on-one time with an artist we both like.


I find myself thinking about all manner of odd things lately - how well can we ever really know another person? Is everyone we get close to going to inevitably end up disappointing us in some way or another? I mean, humans are notoriously not perfect, so disappointment is part of the package, isn't it? What if we could stop lying.. completely stop lying to ourselves, to each other, to people around us? Would that make things easier or would it send us all running home to cry? I saw this statement....on a bumper sticker? On facebook? I don't remember where, but I recognized it as truth:

The truth will set you free. But, first, it will piss you off.
So, if everyone spoke their truth, would it make things better or would we all be walking around in a state of constant pissed-off-ness?


I heard back from the lawyer about the credit card debt. According to state law, since the accounts are in his name only, I'm not responsible for any of it...however, that doesn't mean the credit card companies won't *try* to come after me if he messes up and stops paying. They will, and they have gone after other spouses. And while they've rarely prevailed in court, sometimes, they bother people so much that they end up paying a debt that is not theirs just to make the credit card company or collection agency go the hell away.


I don't much like the sound of that. But I bet it comes down to paying them to go away ends up being quicker & cheaper than going to court and defending oneself.


Sometimes, it doesn't bother me. Sometimes, I look at him and I wonder who the hell he is and what else is he hiding? , here I am giving you pretty much carte blanche to do whatever you want and you go do this and hide it from me? .


What's forgivable? What's not? It's so easy to see those lines if you're not ass-deep in the situation...and especially if you've never been married. So easy to sit on the sidelines and say what you wouldn't put up with and I should just divorce his ass. So easy to sit on the sidelines and, in the next breath, complain about how people just throw in the towel too quickly these days and get divorced instead of working things out. It's become clearer to me in the last couple months how many people hold those two thoughts and how hypocritical it is. I wonder if having hard lines...saying things like "I would NEVER put up with (fill in the blank)...really does much good when we're talking about being in it for the long haul. If you're in it for the long haul, I think you sometimes have to do or deal with or accept things you didn't think you ever could or would, because you're aiming for a larger goal.


I still don't know the full story -- how there got to be that much debt, why he hasn't said anything. Do you judge as harshly if it was honest mistakes and trying to spare your spouse (who you know freaks out about such things) the extra stress as if it was, say, racked up buying a bunch of frivolous, expensive toys your frugal spouse never would've agreed to, but you decided to do it anyway? Are you stealing the food to feed your hungry kid or are you stealing the food just for a thrill? Are they the same thing? Do they deserve the same punishment?


These are the things my brain has been chewing on this week.

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Getting Tired Of This


Meaning this tapering down of my reproductive system.


It's been nearly 2 years since the first signs of the slow fade began....with the Period That Wouldn't End in October 2011. Been doing different courses of taking 5mg progesterone on and off to control things since then.


On any given day, there is a good chance I'm bleeding...or feel like I'm about to start bleeding (crampy, bloaty, irritable).


How f'n slow is this slow fade anyway? Shut the hell off already! If I haven't used my uterus for its biologically intended purpose by now, I don't think I'm going to have a sudden change of heart at this point in the game and want to pop out a puppy now. If I never see or feel another drop (or clump) of blood (or uterine lining) dripping out of me, it wouldn't break my heart at all. Really.


Words can not express how much I won't miss this. But I can't not miss it if it won't go away.



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Really? Really....?


On Friday, I took progesterone to make the "well-its-not-going-to-end-on-its-own" bleeding stop. Within 24 hours, the bleeding stopped and I felt, y'know, good. Not crampy, not bloaty, not irritable, not "I just want to crawl outta my skin."


So, here it is Tuesday morning...not bleeding...but woke up feeling like there's a bowling ball in my lower abdomen with some cramping.



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The Long Day Of Difficult Conversations


What I learned on the recently passed Long Day Of Difficult Conversations:


Don't plan to have 2 difficult conversations on the same day. Your body will rebel and have a migraine. You will only make it through the first conversation (just barely at that) and feel so physically horrible when time for the 2nd conversations rolls around that you will put it off (again) so you can go lie down and die.

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The Non-Event


Over breakfast, on a day we both had off, I said in a very casual and nonchalant manner, "So, do ya wanna tell me how you managed to rack up 5 figures worth of credit card debt or do you want to keep that to yourself?"


It was pretty much as I suspected. And there was no yelling, screaming or anyone's head getting bitten off.


Oh, sure, there's still a pile of debt, but the simple fact that it's no longer hidden has changed the atmosphere for the better....for all parties involved.

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As Long As You're Happy


You seemed to be fine with the work environment...until you got demoted for substandard performance. Your pay was not reduced, you were not fired, you were just moved to a job that was lower on the hierarchy than the one you were doing.


So, you decided to quit...and file a lawsuit. Claimed that while you laughed and smiled along with every incident/comment (and even started comments of your own free will), you were really being butt-hurt by the work environment. Boo-hoo. It was horrible. Your actions ended up with other people - who had little, if anything to do with you - being terminated because you demanded the company "do something."


I don't really know you, and I don't really know your side of things. I'm not sure I want to know, really. What I do know is the upshot of your actions has resulted in my husband and several others losing their jobs. It was the most expedient way for the company to deal with this and make you go away.


As someone who HAS worked in miserable environments and HAS been on the receiving end of very actionable behavior, I'm highly suspicious of the timing of your complaints. If you did manage to wheedle some sort of settlement out of them, enjoy what I believe to be your ill-gotten gains.


And that's about all the time I have for you. I'll be busy trying to figure out how to cover all the household expenses plus his 5-figure credit card debt while he looks for another job.


It all goes back to my particular life lesson in this lifetime, doesn't it?

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No , Really?


Between the "I know about your stupid high credit card debt" and his recent job loss, there has been a lot of talking lately. This is to be expected, I suppose, and I am filtering my responses through the lens of "if I was in his position, what would I want?" I've had stupid high credit card debt before. I was single, so I wasn't hiding it from anyone...but I'm familiar with stupid high credit card debt and what it takes to make it go away. I've been fired before...and I once quit a job but the departure was handled as if I'd been fired, so I have an idea of what that's like.


So, he's talking the other day and says something along the lines of how he feels like we are working as a team again after a couple years of not feeling that way. I stifled myself, because my first snappy retort was along the lines of, "No , Sherlock...didja think hiding something that big from your spouse was a way to foster togetherness or teamwork?"


I hit these occasional pockets of anger about both situations. But we make our choices, y'know? I have the underlying theme of this lifetime ("on my own") and no matter what I do or what situation I am in....it all goes back to that. The pattern of interaction with him was set from the beginning and has continued...I swoop in with my Super Powers of Financial Prowess and save his ass. I've been in enough relationships and read enough about relationships to know that once a pattern like that is established, it's difficult - if not impossible - to break.


The underlying theme of my life lessons this go 'round is what it is. The pattern of interaction...that's the tougher nut to crack for me. Is that something I want to/can live with for additional decades or is it something that's going to wear thin enough that at some point, I'm just going to say, "Screw it," and head toward the door? I don't know. It'd be easier if he was a lousy spouse in general or we fought all the time or any of the other things that have made me leave previous relationships. But none of that is here. It's just this having to bail his ass out in a financial sense.


Some of it goes back to his divorce from his 1st wife and not having his own lawyer and the child support obligation that eats up a good chunk of whatever money he's made....close to $1000 a month for the first 3 years we were together (child support and alimony) and after alimony went away, still close to $500 a month. I don't know many people with average jobs who *wouldn't* have financial issues with that much of their earnings being spoken for every month.


I knew he was on the hook for child support for close to 18 years when I first met him. In theory, I understood that. In the actual living out of that, some (almost) 12 years on, it's starting to wear on me. The first kid turns 18 next summer. I can hang on til then and see if the tide starts to turn. 2nd kid is 18 in 3 years and the last one 2 years after that.

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Five Years Ago


I went to check the weather forecast a couple days ago and there was a link to a story about it being the 5 year anniversary of Hurricane Ike. It was the tail end remnants of that storm that took us "off the grid" for a week around this time 5 years ago. I was looking at what I wrote (and then typed onto here when we got power back) and I stumbled accross this:




Which, in part, says:

I am starting to have some thoughts I don’t want to have. Stuff like: “Everything was ok when I was making decent money and had savings and could bail your ass out, but now I don’t have that and you’re getting all Captain Asshat on me for the slightest thing. For the first time in this relationship, I have some degree of financial dependency on you and you start being a jerk.” See? This line of thought doesn’t take me anywhere good. Logically, there may be no direct connection between my money (or lack thereof) and his behavior. Just because events occur in sequence doesn’t mean one caused the other.


That was 2008. He was already working on digging that massive credit card debt hole at that point. Given the dates the oldest of his accounts were opened, he was about 1.5 to 2 years in at that point. So his hiding crap and then taking that stress out on me was going on even back to that point. I'm sure he won't see it...but this is what chronicling events lets me do. I can go back, see what happened and what I thought about it, then filter it through additional information I've gathered along the way.


So, as it turns out there *was* a connection between money (not necessarily mine) and his behavior. There has been for about half the time we've been married. Just goes to show - all that stuff I write about not having a lot of expectations about people applies to even those closest to you.


But I should know that already given my family of origin.


In reading those entries from that week "off the grid," I was also reminded of his behavior during that time. It's 5 years later, and I still don't get why he had such an extreme (and frankly juvenile) reaction. It still carries over. If the power goes out for more than a few minutes, he gets out-of-proportion pissed off. Ever since that week-long outage, we've never had the power go out for more than a couple hours. Yet, every time there's a disruption, it's zero to full pissed off in mere moments. W......T......F?


I dunno. I'm hitting one of those pockets of anger I referred to a few entries back. It woulda been nice if I had a spouse who coulda stepped up and covered all the bills and stuff when I was the one with the sudden and unexpected income reduction. But I had to be my own safety net. In some ways, I am just starting to realize and acknowledge what a huge disappointment that really was for me. Like most of those revelations that shake us to our core and knock us off our foundation, it's too big and the ramifications are too massive to deal with it while it's happening. We go into "let's just get through this"/survival mode. Pondering and navel contemplation are set aside til later....when we are distanced from the actual events.


In the summer of 1992, some round of weirdness happened with my parents. I no longer remember the details, because there were so many rounds of weirdness with them. I had been living completely on my own for about a year at that point, after leaving my ex college bf. At any rate, what I do remember is sitting at one of the picnic tables by the pool at the apartment complex and writing about it in my journal. It was the first time I made a conscious realization that I could not assume my parents would provide me any sort of safety net. If I lost my job, if I got really sick.....it was not going to be in my best interest to count on or assume they would help. As I was writing, I made a conscious decision to start thinking of myself as if I was an orphan and I would have to be my own safety net. Thinking of it that way pushed me to open and contribute to an investment/savings account that would end up saving my ass some 17 years later....among many other things.


I'm just now starting to realize I made a similar decision regarding my spouse during that time after I was downsized. I went from looking at him as a "partner" and more like, say, a boat. While it does provide you sporadic good times and you may enjoy having it, the fact of the matter is that it takes a lot of ongoing upkeep and maintenance, and someone who got a glimpse into the amount of upkeep & maintenance might wonder why you insist on keeping the damn boat.


When I was younger & single, this is not what I thought marriage should be like. There was a picture in my head of intentionally co-creating a solid financial base. I wasn't looking for "I'll take care of everything" or "I'll scrimp and save so I can bail your ass out (again) later." I never wanted to buy a boat, but that's what I have......


When I moved out of my parents house and moved in with my ex-college bf, I was working part time at the radio station and going to school. He was also working part time. When we were planning the move and finances and all, he promised me he'd cover both our shares of the rent and utilities while we were together. (When I first moved in with him, it was me, him and a roommate, so things were split 3 ways). Him covering rent & utilities continued after we left the roommate, and continued the entire time we lived together. No matter what his income or job situation, he always covered our rent & utilities. Always. I did not fully appreciate it at the time (...do we ever?), but looking back with what I know now.......

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