shes2smart Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 ...And The World Moves On... It's been 2 weeks since I saw the numbers on his credit report. Still haven't said anything to him about it. And I've decided I'm not going to just yet. In a few months, I'll pull another credit report and see if I can determine which way the debt is going. If it's going the "right" way (getting paid down), I may just continue my silence. If it's going the "wrong" way (getting larger), it may be time to intervene...before he digs a hole too deep to get out of. These are his choices - to open these accounts, to use these accounts, to not say a word about these accounts and their balances. That's what he chose, so that's what he'll have. I do not particularly want to swoop in and make it better. I have done that previously and I don't know that it really taught him anything other than I'd take care of crap like that. Nope. Maybe if you have to deal with the stress and hardship of servicing/paying off that much credit card debt (not to mention the stress of *hiding* that much debt), it might dawn on you that you need to do things differently or make some different choices. Upon further reflection, I'm pretty sure it all springs from buying the vehicle he couldn't really afford at a time when buying a vehicle wasn't his best option. A vehicle that I believe I tried to discourage him from getting, but ultimately, I realized that was wasted effort. I am stubborn, and I can recognize that in other people. He was going to do what he wanted to do and ignore any consequences that came up. I mean, I had to make my own financial missteps before I got to where I am now. The difference is I was single and had no one to answer to when I made the majority of my missteps. I was responsible only for myself and always managed to keep a roof over my head and keep myself fed and keep myself in reliable transportation. I didn't have a spouse to fall back on (and, really, in some ways, even though I am married - I still don't) or someone who might want to know (and likely had a right to know) where the money was going. So, yet again, the ideas I have (had) about long-term relationships and marriage and family are challenged, brought up for review, and changed in some way so they better match up with my reality. On the whole, it would still be a bigger pain in the ass to me to get divorced. This is probably a good thing for him. That consultation I had with the lawyer happened about 2 years ago (and for entirely different reasons than if I'd go for a consultation now), but it's still fairly fresh in my memory. What I came away from that meeting with was this: It's a lotta hoops to jump through to disrupt your whole entire life...are you miserable enough to do that? The answer back then was, "not yet, no..." and that's still the answer now. It's hard to describe, really. I'm (...mostly...) over being furious about the money stuff. I still have my moments...and probably always will. But if I am honest with myself, it's not all that surprising that things are the way they are. That's it. This is who he is. It's who he's been the entire time I've known him. After his child support obligations (close to $500/mo) are finished, maybe that changes who he is financially. But this...who he is now...this is who he has been the entire time I've known him. People stay in relationships for a laundry list of complex reasons...some of which they can't even adequately express to themselves, let alone to anyone outside of the confines of their own head. I would be foolish to delude myself into thinking that part of the reason he is still here *doesn't* have to do with plain financial practicalities. His life is financially easier & more comfortable with me in it than if I wasn't in it. What's unknown to me (and maybe even unknown to him) is how much of a factor that is. This is a path my poor, addled brain has been aware of for quite some time, but has been very hesitant/reluctant/afraid to wander down too far. But, hey, since I seem to be in a phase where we're blowing up more long-standing concepts & ideas, why not plunge headlong into that area as well? Link to comment
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