Wonderland

[shes2smart]

Dey Blowed It Up

 

So I got a call from one of the non-radio friends I have and they ask if I know what happened. My brilliant reply was along the lines of, "huh?"

 

Seems they were listening to my old station and *poof* it had changed names & formats. I called a friend of mine who still works there and got the poop. It was a spur of the moment format flip sparked by some other format flips in the market. Ready. Fire. Aim. (IMO). They're running with no on air people and no commercials for the time being. The guy who said

"I just wish I had a full time place for you on my staff."

to me no more than 2 weeks ago is going to be running it along with the station I'm part time on.

 

I can't imagine they'll actually hire people to work on this "new" station. I don't think they even have a clue as to what they'll do with it. It all came down too fast to plan those finer details. But I hate where my brain went as I learned the story behind what happened. I hate that the thought, "Hmmm....I wonder if they'll call me and and ask me to work for them (either part or full time)." crossed my mind.

 

Well, if nothing else, I guess I may get to see if the guy who "wished he had a place for me on his staff," was speaking truth or just blowing sunshine up my skirt. I almost wish they wouldn't call. It would be too easy to backslide and get comfortable, y'know? If they don't call, then it's an incentive to keep on moving forward as I have been. If they do call....then I'd have to see what they had to say and do some evaluation...and that might be difficult and painful.

 

It's probably better all the way around if they opt to operate in a "cheap as possible" fashion and don't actually staff that "new" station. Because if they opt to make do with who is still left there, then I don't have to ask any hard questions or make any difficult decisions. But I hate that part of me is entertaining the hope that my phone willl ring.

[shes2smart]

Snow Day

 

I got told to stay home from work (office gig) yesterday because the weather was so crappy. Coming from a radio background, I'm not used to that. "There's an inch of ice and 8 inches of snow on the ground and more on the way and it's 2 o'clock? Guess you'd better leave for work now because you have to be on the air at 6, buddy," is what I'm used to.

 

Didn't go any further out of the house yesterday than the end of the driveway (which we shoveled and chiseled and salted around noon). At least I had help doing that, so it wasn't as crappy as it might've been. My husband ended up staying home because his boss left a poorly worded message for him that he thought meant their office was closed. They weren't, but by the time he and his supervisor figured out what had happened she said the roads were crappy and he should stay home.

 

So, instead of leaving for work an hour or more early and crawling along snowy and icy roads, I stayed at home cut 3 or 4 auditions and recorded a paying project for $200 and made a cake. Not a big deal that I missed out on $10/hour for 6 hours, really.

 

But the snow day is over, and I'll have to go in this afternoon...and that's ok. I discovered yesterday that going to work for 5 or 6 hours most days is one of the few times I actually get warm. We are keeping the house around 60 degrees, which sound like a moderate temperature but feels bone-chilling cold if you're in it for a while. No matter how many layers of clothing I put on, I'm still cold. We opted for a freezing house for a couple of reasons. Most of the time, we're on the computers, so we spend most of our time in the 2nd bedroom. We have a space heater in there and keep it reasonably warm, but saw no reason to heat the entire house when we spend most of our time in one room. Secondly, we're trying to avoid the $200 and higher gas bills we had the last 2 winters when we were trying to heat the entire house. The big gas bills were annoying, but the income situation was different then.

 

We were going to get the sliding glass door replaced with something newer and better sealed, but that plan got blown out of the water when I got laid off. That was just one of a few things we had planned on doing...and that all got put off.

 

These days I am having what can only be described as a love-hate relationship with owning the house. If I had it to over again, I don't know that I would have.

[shes2smart]

Pardon Me, But Do I Feel Someone's Lips On My Butt Cheeks?

 

Oh, it's interesting times in our Warcrack guild since the departure of those dozen or so folks a couple weeks back. I'm trying to stay out of it as much as possible, which is easy enough since I've always been fairly quiet in that group in comparison to my husband anyway. But I must say even I can feel the butt kissing going on and I can sense the BS piling up high.

 

It's interesting to see how some people behave when they want something from you. The fact that they have their own agenda (which is really what they're focused on) is so transparent...but they try to spin it so they're "doing this for you." Oh, please. I'd have more respect if you stopped blowing the sunshine up my skirt and just said it the way it is: We want to do 25 man content and now we can't unless you guys help us. Period, end of sentence. No crap about how they wanted to include us, but the folks who departed didn't and all the other stories that are flying around.

 

Because it doesn't sit well with me (for one). Even if it is true that you "wanted to include" my little band of fun-loving freaks, you didn't bother asking if we wanted to be included. I saw where the lines were drawn (and where I stood in relation to those lines) last summer. So, I made some other options for myself in game with people I knew in real life. I was fine with that. So, you needn't have bothered yourself with finding a way to include me/us....because I wasn't really looking to get in anymore anyway. Your efforts (if there, in fact, were any) were unnecessary and, unfortunately, are not particularly appreciated.

 

I'm not falling for the PR job. People show who they truly are when they believe no one's watching. But I *was* watching. I was watching all along. So don't come to me with the smiling face and acting like you're giving me a great and hard-won gift of some sort. Because the truth of the matter is I -- and my little band of fun-loving freaks -- are simply a way for you to get what YOU want right now. And once you've gotten that and/or find other people who fall for your BS and butt kissing, we are going to be back on the outside.

 

Whew. I feel better now. That needed to be said, but there are very few I can say it to. My husband still seems to like these people, so for his sake, I find myself biting my tongue a lot. Oh, we talk about it out of game and he knows (and agrees) with my assessment of things...but he's still playing along with them. So.....

 

In other news, this is how the month ended up (according to Quicken): 41% of my income this month was from freelance. A bit over $1000. Second month in a row I haven't had to dip into savings to get by. And the first month I made over what I used to bring home from the full time radio gig. Last month I made right around what I used to bring home.

 

So, here are the Big Plans for today: get a haircut, make potato salad for work potluck tomorrow, go to gym (?), make steak fajitas for dinner, audition for anything that looks interesting, and probably end up re-doing some part of those voice-on-hold things I did yesterday for porn guy's "legitimate" business.....

[shes2smart]

Being Tested

 

Tax software says we owe over $500 on federal. Haven't looked at state yet. Don't know why this is with the hits in income we took and once I put in home office deduction and expenses came up with a $1400 loss on freelance.

 

After I got over that shock, the next wonderful item on my hit list was following up with people I've billed but who haven't paid me yet. First one on the list, email is returned as undeliverable. I go to the commpany's website and it's not there any more. I do a search on google news...and find the company's been sold. I sent an email to the new owner explaining who I am and what happened, but I'm not expecting much of anything. The good news (I guess) is that it was a very small phone greeting project and I'd only be out $50 if they don't pay me.

 

Still, losing $50 on top of the thrashing around with taxes wasn't really what I wanted to hear about.

[shes2smart]

Take The Seed Outside!

 

Best opening to a movie (that had nothing to do with the movie) ever....

 

link removed

[shes2smart]

Sign Off Song

 

About a million years ago, when I was doing college radio....on the nights I had the Saturday night sign-off shift (9pm-midnight), this was always my last song of the night..........

 

 

 

Then I'd run the sign-off announcement and shut it down and go home.

 

Seems like a lifetime ago...and, really, at this point it was 25 years ago, so it kinda was a lifetime ago. Outside of my journals, do I even still have anything, any item, from back then anymore? I became so enamored with travelling light and not hanging onto "things" that I don't think I do....

 

Been chatting back & forth with Mr. Good Hair about what comes next. This is another of those challenge points/tests/"how much do you really want it" things. Because this is where we start to learn how much of it is about marketing if you want it to be your main income and not just a nice little supplemental income stream like I've made it.

 

I haven't had to go into savings to get by since November. But I'm hitting a bit of a dry spell right now. I've had a couple of repeat customers (porn guy, technical script people, and a quick $50 project from kids audio book of bible stories people), but it's been a while since I've gotten a new client. About a month now. I keep submitting auditions, but the ones that get rated, I keep getting 2nd or 3rd choice ratings which means I don't get the gig.

 

But they're seeds. They didn't like me for that particular project, but I was 2nd or 3rd, so maybe, somewhere down the road.....

 

I got a check this week from a project I did back in November...actually the first phone project I did...yeah, they finally got around to paying me. I'd kinda chalked it up as a "learning experience" and figured they were gonna stiff me. So, right now, the only thing that's looking iffy for ever getting paid on is the $50 phone project where the company was bought.

 

Gotta start lining up some new stuff, though. After a lot of thrashing around with tax stuff, between federal and state, I have to come up with $762. Well, at least we didn't owe any city tax.......

[shes2smart]

$679

 

That's what it ended up being. When I was going over a printed copy of the federal tax return, I noticed something wrong. I corrected it and it knocked what we owe down by $83. Filed the state return this morning. I am past the financial freak out. I just want it behind me now.

 

I'm glad we don't have cable anymore. The little bit of news....and the stuff that masquerades as news....that I do see is bad enough. All these different experts with their predictions on the economy and jobs and so forth. I cannot and I will not buy into the fear and hysteria. There have been tough economic times before, and people managed to survive. We don't survive by allowing ourselves to go tharn and be paralyzed by fear.

 

If I had allowed myself to become paralyzed by fear, I never would've bought my studio equipment. I made every one of those purchases with a racing heart and fears...but I took deep breaths and didn't give in to the fear. I moved forward. And because I did, I have generated most of the money we need to pay taxes right now. It'd tap me out if I went ahead and paid it all now. We are going to pay state, 1st quarter estimated city, and give ourselves some breathing room to accumulate the other half of what we owe federal. We have 2 months. We'll be fine.

 

Next week, my goals are to compile a list of names and addresses of people I have done voicework for, and then start building a list of potential clients. I am also going to take a stab at designing a direct mail postcard and see about getting it printed. This is all a part of this job I've chosen, too. Want things to happen? You have to do your part to make them happen.

 

In that same vein, I decided not to wait around and see if my supervisor at the radio station was gonna come a-callin' for help or not. I emailed him this past week and offered my services for off air tasks one or two mornings a week, since he is now running 4 stations with the staff of (almost) one. He replied, saying he appreciated the offer, but had no money to pay me. He said that might change, depending on how insanely busy they were going to be running 4 stations.

 

It's a sad, sad state of affairs when paying a highly qualified person $40-50 a week to do what used to be something you'd only trust to a full time employee is considered "too much to spend." But, hey, I got some information...and I got more information when I worked at the radio station today. Information that just reinforces my thought that I'm really better off not being in this business full time anymore. This last little turn of things is making me wonder if it's time to cut that final cord, though. If I did, I could have every other weekend off. Given that my husband's work schedule is currently including weekends off, this might be a pretty good idea.

 

I doubt they'd shed any tears here over my departure. As I understand it, I'm one of the highest hourly rate (if not the highest hourly rate) part timers they have. I can see the bookkeepers high-fiving each other over the "savings" if I quit. I still don't have an answer to one determining question, though. Am I ready to completely let this go....?

[shes2smart]

I'm On A Roll

 

>Postcard for direct mail marketing - preliminary design (front & back) DONE

>Federal Tax Return - Filed

>State Tax Return - Filed & Paid

>City Tax Return - ready to be filed, just needs husband's signature

>Oil Change on my car - appointment scheduled

>Estimated State, City, Federal taxes - Forms & instructions downloaded, due dates noted, plan for figuring out payments discussed with employee at city tax office.

>Checking & Savings accounts - Balanced & up to date

>Phone Bill - paid

>Follow up on VO fee from company that was bought - called company that bought them out, found out my contact is still with the company..got phone & email info for that person & emailed him. I may yet get my $50. Wonder if I can parlay it into a VO gig for the new company's phone system as their 800# greeting is crappy...hmmm..

 

I feel like I Got Stuff Done this morning. Big Time.

 

Oh, and I got a gig from a new client yesterday. Quickie phone system with 3 one-line greetings, $75. Already recorded & sent last night and paid through paypal this morning.

[shes2smart]

.....And Then

 

I got an email from a voice seeker off voice123 asking if I was a US citizen and if I had recording facilities at home. I answered their questions and they indicated they'd like to conduct a brief phone interview. Gave them my number and set up a time to call.

 

The interview was just a formality, really.

 

I thought this was for an English vocabulary audio text book I auditioned for last week.

 

It wasn't.

 

This was something I auditioned for in the first part of December. I dug up the audition, and I don't really recall submitting it. It is an educational audio project...but...it is on-going (for the next 10 months, according to the project description) and there may be more after that. It pays $20 an hour...and that includes prep time, recording and editing....not just the finished audio time. It will be steady but variable -- something every week...sometimes 2 hours, some times 8+ hours. I start next week.

 

I needed more than scraping together $50-$75-$100, one-time (or very infrequent) projects. A couple more on-going gigs like the one I got today are the basis for being able to do this full time.

 

The Universe Always Provides...All Ways. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

 

I finished designing/creating my direct mail postcards. Sent my artwork in and ordered a batch of 100 to start....just to see how they turn out and see the quality of work this company does. I can always order more if I like the job they do.

 

Slowly going back through all the various emails and hand-written notes I have made over the last 4 months and compiling a list of names & addresses to create a database. I'm in this for real. And even though this sort of thing isn't necessarily my favorite thing to do, I am doing it because it needs to be done. I am doing it because this is my work. I am doing it because the effort I am putting in benefits me -- 100%. It doesn't benefit some management type in the corner office giving them a hefty year-end bonus while they tell me they can't afford to give me a 3% raise, it doesn't benefit some nameless, faceless corporate entity that doesn't give a crap about me and sees me only as an expense. My effort benefits ME. And I am worth my effort.

 

No, I'm not ready to ditch the office gig....not yet...but today was another small step toward that day. Today was another step toward freedom.

 

The Universe Always Provides....All Ways. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

 

And in the midst of accomplishing all this, I find myself preparing to throw a dinner party for 10 people on Saturday. This has certainly been a productive week.

[shes2smart]

Welcome To Lullsville

 

Ok, so the extent of freelance gigs this month has been the $75 3-one-liners phone project and the $20 an hour ongoing on-line educational gig. I filled in and faxed all the new hire paperwork for the educational gig Monday. My official start date is tomorrow, but no idea if there's any work for me to do or not. I appear to be in a lull.

 

Not for lack of trying. I'm sending in auditions for stuff that's a reasonable fit on an almost daily basis at voice123. I'm waiting for my post cards to arrive. According to the tracking information, FedEx should be at my door sometime today. I've pretty much finished compiling my list of addresses. Two lists actually, people I've done work for (clients) and people I've sent demos to (prospects). I have a couple production websites to look for more prospects. What I don't have is post card stamps, but that is easily remedied.

 

The amount of paperwork I had to fill out for the online educational gig was stunning. I realize this company owns a chain of educational daycare centers in addition to the online learning. So, many of their employees are working directly with children...and that's probably why they want all the background check/reference information. With what I'm doing, I won't even see my co-workers let alone any clients or client's kids. But I guess it's better for them to have every employee fill out the same set of paperwork and go through the same screening process. Thus far I have faxed about 20 pages to them and had to have 2 forms notarized before faxing. I am hoping this turns into a long-term/ongoing/stable and lucrative gig. Find a couple more like that, and there is my basis for doing this full time.

 

I find myself thinking of other people's success stories. During our last visit to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum, I was looking at a letter that was sent to Tom Petty from one of his early record companies. It was a letter requesting payment on a huge amount because a record they put out for him didn't sell enough to cover costs or something. And I think about what that must've been like when he got that -- did he question himself at that point? Did he wonder if he could really make a go of being a professional musician? What about other people who reached a point like that and then went on to better things? Did they have those moments of doubt?

 

I know I am talented enough to make a go of this. I know this fluctuation in work load and income is part of what it means to be freelance. What I don't quite know how to deal with is that little voice of fear that wonders if there will be another project/enough projects so I don't have to pull money out of a shrinking pile of savings to make my house payment.

 

I go back to wondering what other sucessful entrepeneur types did when faced with the inevitable lulls, setbacks, roadblocks and similar circumstances. Am I doing something similar -- acknowledging the fear, but not giving into it and continuing to move forward? Re-focus my attention to what I DO want and removing my attention from what I don't want? Continue to affirm my faith in my abilities and my belief that this is what I'm supposed to be doing? I am not the first person to make this journey, there should be some sort of trail or path left by those who have taken this route before me. Sometimes, though, the trail is a little faint. Then I think, if it was well marked and paved, everyone would be taking it.

 

I went off the paved road the minute I decided to create my own job instead of looking for someone else to hire me. So, hand me a machete and let's hack our way through the jungle...because we're too far off the paved road to go back at this point....

[shes2smart]

I'm Here Again (Sigh)

 

"Here" being the radio station. I think, if the gig with the distance learning people goes well, and looks like it's going to be stable long-term, that may be the impetus to ditch this. I'm making, like, $100 working here twice a month and if the distance learning VO gig pays more than that.....

 

I did 2.5 hours of work for them this week. Not bad seeing as how my first official day as an employee was the 18th. 1.5 hours was recording audio for two lessons. The other hour was for my introductory/new employee phone conferences with the director of the audio team and the person who coordinates the lessons for the grade level and subject I'm assigned to. We'll see how this goes over the next few weeks. What I'm doing for them isn't difficult by any stretch of the imagination...just a matter of how much work there is and if I can get in with some other lesson coordinators and so on.

 

The voice of fear (or maybe just the voice of my oh-so-critical parents) is trying to run rampant in my head. Starting that song-and-dance screaming at me about having a full time job is the only way and why do I think I can do this and blah blah blah. It's hard not to listen to it a little as I go through this second week of slowness on the freelance front. Sometimes, it's hard to own the fact that I don't think I really want to have a full time job working for someone else/some company again. Maybe I'll change my mind about that someday, but for now.....no, thanks.

 

I was writing an email to someone I used to work with. He was a Program Director at one of the other stations in the cluster. They let him go about, oh, 6 months before the cut me. I was writing about how I used to love this business, this job....and how I just don't anymore....and how I don't know when it changed or why or how. I read an article online about job burnout in the last week, and a year ago now -- when I was still employed full time -- I was showing every last single one of the symptoms of job burnout. If I look back at my journal from 2 or 3 years ago, I was even starting to show some signs of it as far back as that.

 

It's obvious that being worked into a nervous breakdown at the employer from hell deeply affected me in ways that, even 5+ years later, I am still discovering. They're not really discoveries I want to be making. Because they're leading to things like distrust of employers and reluctance to work full time for some other person or some corporate entity. When still faced with a need to earn a living and a desire to keep a certain standard of living, having to work around that somehow can be difficult at times.

 

There are no coincidences. I came to believe that some 20 years ago. There is a reason for everything...and that reason is my highest good. I came to believe that some 20 years ago, as well. At any given moment, I am right where I'm supposed to be. Another thing I came to believe in that same time period. I still believe these things. But some days...and some times...it becomes difficult. My faith has not been tested like this in quite some time, and I've forgotten how challenging that can be. I'd gotten lazy and complacent. But I will not give in to fear. And I will not allow ghostly voices from my childhood to take up space in my head.

[shes2smart]

Repeated Lessons

 

I will not allow people to treat me badly/disrespectfully.

 

I will not allow people to treat me badly/disrespectfully.

 

I will not allow people to treat me badly/disrespectfully.

 

I will not allow people to treat me badly/disrespectfully.

 

I will not allow people to treat me badly/disrespectfully.

 

And I will keep repeating this until I do what it is in my power to do to make it stop.

 

No sense getting into details, beyond this: I will not have a repeat of the guild drama that ocurred over the summer. This is a game, period, end of sentence. Of all the things to become upset about this is one of the dumber ones.

 

However, just because it is a game doesn't mean I have to tolerate being treated disrespectfully.

 

So...I will not allow people to treat me badly/disrespectfully.

 

I will not allow people to treat me badly/disrespectfully.

 

I will not allow people to treat me badly/disrespectfully.

 

I will not allow people to treat me badly/disrespectfully.

 

By controling the only thing that is under my control -- my own words, my own thoughts and my own actions.

 

And I guess we get to see who are friends and who are "friends." But this time, it will be done quietly, privately, and with a minimum of drama. Because it's not about Making A Statement. It's about not allowing people to treat me disrespectfully.

[shes2smart]

I Call Bull......

 

Why have rules if you're not going to follow them and/or not apply them to everyone equally? I mean, it's your party and you'll cry if you want to, but for God's sake, have enough of a spine to own that and and say, "Well, we're going to do whatever we see fit, when we see fit and basically do whatever benefits us the most."

 

I could at least respect the blunt honesty and know that there aren't really any rules beyond whatever you think is best for you at the time. But don't go to the effort and make a show of having a bunch of rules and making people think it's all fair and equal, because it isn't. It never was, and it never will be.

 

Ugh.

 

When I say "I'm done," why is it people think that's some invitation to a therapy session and want to talk? Inevitably the "talk" just goes around in circles and nothing gets resolved, really. Oh, there may be some kind of truce, which usually comes around just because one party or the other gets tired of rehashing the same points for the 100th time...but there's not really a resolution. Because (as I discovered around the age of 17) we can talk til we lose our voices, but everyone's gonna do exactly what they want to do anyway.

 

What I want to do is not put myself in a situation where I keep asking to be let in and have the door slammed in my face. Fortunately, I have the tools at my disposal to do just that. And they start with the words, "I'm done" and the actions that say, "I'm done."

 

And that will require me to do exactly nothing.

[shes2smart]

The Road Signs Say "This Way"

 

Email yesterday from TV infomercial people I did work for about a month ago. Client wants a shorter-form version of the spot. The email said, "Would you be available to record this?" Uh, DUH!

 

Email this morning. The local audio textbook company is ready to work on the next segment of the project and wants to know when I'd be available this week. How about nowish? Is that good for you?

 

Ok, enough hanging around here...I either need to go to the gym or get crankin' on the direct mail prospecting I got my postcards printed for. One or the other...let's do something productive, though, shall we?

[shes2smart]

Ponderables

 

I asked him, "If the way these people are treating me pisses you off that much, then why are we still here?"

 

He said something about the 6 or 8 people we know in real life, out of game, but beyond that he didn't have an answer.

 

If those 6 or 8 people are *really* our friends, they'll understand and support whatever we choose to do. If they are not our friends, then it doesn't matter what they may think about we do.

 

Well...what I do. I don't really expect him to do anything.

 

No time for this now, though. I have to go read a math textbook into a microphone at a really, really nice studio.

[shes2smart]

What.....?

 

Early afternoon - angry, flamey posts were being fired back and forth on the guild message board

 

Late afternoon - spousal unit calls me, says he probably getting kicked out of guild

 

Arrival home this evening - not only has he NOT been kicked out....he's grouped up with one of the folks who was aimin' to kick him and who he swore he wouldn't group with again after the goings on Sunday. From the sound of it, they were having a grand old time.

 

What.....? I don't get it. He tells me nothing's changed when they're done. He still doesn't like them. (But he's still hanging out with them?) And he sounded something like despondent when he thought they were booting him out. What....?

 

Funny...I just glanced up at my last post...the one where I said I don't expect him to do anything. I'm f'n psycho....I mean, psychic.

 

It's late, and I'm tired, and there's some rational, logical part of me that is reminding me it's a game it doesn't matter and it's not worth getting my panties in a bunch over. But the emotional, drama queen part is feeling a little betrayed. I mean, a couple days ago, you were over the top pissed off about how these people were (mis)treating me....and now you're all friends again? Far as I know they did not apologise for their words OR actions (and if they did, they didn't apologise to me) so, in a sense, isn't the "play as usual" I saw going on telling them you think it's ok for them to treat me like that?

 

But, yeah, when push came to shove, I didn't see him actually doing anything different than what he's done the past 18 months he's been with this group -- he pretends he's sorry, he kisses their ass, they "forgive" him, and life goes on....but nothing changes, and nothing gets resolved. Wash, rinse, repeat....I've been watching the same thing keep repeating over and over and over since, oh, sometime last summer. After the late summer blow-out over it, I decided it wasn't worth arguing about and just immersed myself in finding freelance work and building up my business.

 

It's still not worth arguing about. But I am getting tired of seeing it. I created a new toon on a different server. Just to see what a different server would be like. My thought is, the next time this cycle starts up again, I will transfer my toon to the other server. He won't follow me. He's too busy playing break-up-to-make-up with these people.

 

No, it hasn't been resolved has it? The only thing I've done is successfully change my focus to something else for a time. So....I need to change the focus again. Because if I keep thinking about this crap....it will get ugly fast.

[shes2smart]

Understanding At A Different Level

 

So, we had tickets to a stage production of Jesus Christ Superstar a few days ago.

 

First, a little background. When I was in grade school, a friend of mine had the soundtrack album and we used to listen to it all the time. At some point, I happened to see the 1973 film version, it was ok. Very "70's." Springtime of 2001, I happened to catch a version of the musical on PBS that was amazing. It was done in 2000, and Jerome Pradon, the actor who played Judas in this verson, was stunning. So much so that I went on PBS' website and ordered a videotape of it right after watching it.

 

I finally saw the complexity of the role -- both in the musical and in the historical events. When you're a kid in Sunday school learning the whole story of Judas betraying Jesus, it's in such black and white terms. Jesus, good...Judas, bad. But there's really so much more to it than that....and I never really got that until I saw the 2000 version of JCS with Jerome Pradon in that role.

 

 

Someone had be the "betrayer" to make the rest of the events possible. Had you been charged with being the one to do the hard task, would you have had enough intestinal fortitude to do the difficult thing asked of you? This is something I find very interesting to ponder. Apparently, I'm not the only one. There was a brief interview with Andrew Lloyd Weber at the end of the production and he mentioned a Bob Dylan song that was a something of a catalyst for the creation of JCS.

 

So, of course, I had to go look it up...

 

 

 

Anyway, we saw the stage production, which triggered a desire to re-watch the 2000 film version...which meant watching the very intense performance by Jerome Pradon...which meant pondering it all over again.

 

In the midst of the drama over the un-reality of the unimportant gaming world this week, it felt pretty good to think about something a little more......significant(?) meaningful(?)deep(?)....than group politics and realizing that you've been lied to.

 

I did spend some time researching guilds on another server where I created a new toon. I found one that seems to have similar goals and playstyle to what I'd like and that isn't too huge. Made contact with the guild leader and chatted with her for a while. My lowbie toon on that server joined their guild so I have a chance to interact with them. Planning on moving my level 80 over in a week or so.

 

I thought this was fertile ground to spark a stupid argument, so I hadn't said much about it. When I got home last night, my husband said it'd been slow at work and he had a lot of time to think about what all's gone one. Long and short of it is, he discovered that someone's been lying to him. Not that it'd make a difference if it was one of the people he only knew in-game....but it wasn't. It was one of the people we not only know in real life, but who we encouraged to come join us in that guild on that server. In other words, one of the people we consider (considered?) a real life friend. This sort of woke him up to all the crap I've been seeing since last summer.

 

When I heard all this, I realized that there wasn't going to be an argument about me transferring my toon to another server because (hallelujah) for the first time in about a year he's not defending their actions. At one point I said, "Welcome back. And don't ever do that again." "That" being putting a bunch of in-game people you don't know and who aren't your friends ahead of your spouse.

 

Time will tell if this is a real, lasting change. I don't know and I'm not going to try to predict. All I know is my own priorities....and #1 first and foremost is building my freelance business to the point where it is my full time job and I wouldn't have to work for someone else/some company if I don't want to. That's where my focus is, that's where it has to be. Very much like when I was in college and looking to get that first radio job -- I focused on that (and very little else) and was able to create a career that had a decent 25 year run. I have that creative ability and focus within me. It's been rather dormant for a while, but it's awake now.

 

And it should see me through.....

[shes2smart]

He Done Seen The Light!

 

Spent a lot of time this weekend talking about the stuff that's gone on with Warcrack and the guild we've been in the last year and a half. Mostly, he's been talking...I've just been listening.

 

When he realized someone he considered a real life friend had lied to him about game stuff, it led to a series of realizations about the other people in the guild, how the game (and specifically, playing the game with these people) had changed his behavior, how he's not enjoying playing with these people anymore (and why).....all manner of things, really. Many things I had given up on him ever seeing -- let alone understanding -- he's started to see and comprehend in the last 3 or 4 days.

 

Is it a lasting change? Dunno. But given that I was at a point last summer where I just washed my hands of it and gave up, I'll take it as a sign that something finally managed to get through to him in a way that arguing about it couldn't/didn't. So, we've been spending time on the new server socializing with the people in the new guild. We're planning on having our toons transferred over this time next week.

 

I'd like to think he won't fall into the same behavioral patterns with the new group that he did with the group we're leaving behind. I think it also helps that this is just a different group of people...and they're not going to do things like the group we're leaving. As he's seen in the past week, the group we're leaving is comprised of folks who have their own agendas and who have no problem saying whatever they think needs to be said to get others to go along with those agendas.

 

One of the things we talked about over the weekend was the nature of friendship -- what it means to be a friend -- how each of us define that -- and how other people have differing definitions of that -- and how those things sometimes clash. Turns out we are both pretty idealistic and have some high standards for friendship. Perhaps it is one of the reasons we get along so well and have always understood each other on a really deep level. We have similar ideas about loyalty and honesty and so forth.

 

What I'm pondering now is saying goodbye. I'd already given up on the big, public goodbye scene as we departed. Given all that has happened....and given how these people we are leaving are...it just opens the door for it all to be misinterpreted as some big-ass drama queen kind of event. Much like the person who publicly and dramatically announces that "this is my Last Post on this board..." also has the subtext "tell me you don't want me to leave...please," it seemed to me that making an announcement that we're changing servers invited more BS. People who are serious about leaving an online community and moving on generally just leave and move on. They don't make announcements about it, they just do it....no grandstanding, no fanfare, no drawing attention to themselves. So, I'm thinking that's the way to go -- no public goodbye, no parting shots.

 

He's still angry about things enough that he entertains the thought of a parting shot, but I keep telling him there's no point to it...unless he's looking to be an ass, and then that would be the point. He's pretty much agreeing in theory that a quiet exit and focus on a new beginning is the way to go. But sometimes, he'll start thinking about it too much and get all pissed off about it.

 

Ah, well, there's just a week left...then these people who have been excluding me and being a pain in my butt for the last year or so are going to be (for the most part) gone. I'll try real hard not to miss them.

[shes2smart]

Productive Morning?

 

Got up and recorded some audio for my on-going distance learning educational gig. Middle school health...specifically a segment on human sexuality and reproduction. Somewhere, right now, there is some 11 or 12 year old who will get to have me explaining conception and the female reproductive system to them. This is a weird thought to have....that there's a generation of kids using this company's educational materials and will hear me talking about Fallopian tubes and amniotic sacs and ovum.

 

The more I ponder that, the weirder it seems, so I think I'll stop now.

 

After I recorded those, I spent a while doing more direct mail prospecting. Digging up addresses, writing out "Hey! Check my website if you need a female VO talent!" post cards and stacking them up for pick up before the postman makes his rounds. The regular carrier normally gets here between noon and one. I can tell when he's here because the tiger cat stops what she's doing and goes to the front door and growls.

 

I counted. I've sent out a total of...um...38 or 48 cards/emails to prospective clients -- video production houses, ad agencies -- all over the country. I counted, I made a list of all the companies names, addresses & phone numbers....but I didn't commit it to memory. I wrote it down so I wouldn't have to remember. 38 or 48. I'm a little less than half way through the roll of 100 stamps, so...it's probably 48.

 

Seein' as how they're handwritten and I just started sending them out last week, I don't think that's too bad.

 

If a few of them lead to paying gigs, then I will consider this a productive morning indeed. Right now, it's only resulted in 2 hours of paid work (talking about fallopian tubes and egg fertilization)....which, I am greatful for...but I'd like to be doing more (not necessarily discussing female plumbing...).

[shes2smart]

Call The Police! It's A McMergency!

 

link removed

 

Actually, given the long term effects of eating things like Chicken McNuggets on a regular basis, I think it might be a bigger crime if they'd filled her order.....

[shes2smart]

True Colors

 

" is a very deceitful person," W said while talking to my husband. W has known this about for a while now. Things just weren't adding up in W's interactions with and he figured it out. And kept it to himself because W doesn't care to gossip or backstab. My husband was telling W about his latest series of events with and that was W's comment on those events. " is a very deceitful person."

 

Yup. That pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

 

I'm not as upset by this as my husband. Firstly because I wasn't the one lied to, and secondly, because I'm slower to warm up to people in general. I've really only known for a year, so he hadn't really made it into my "inner circle." I'm always a little on guard when it comes to people who are so quick to take you in and act like you've been friends for years. I don't trust it. I never have. It takes me quite literally years before I consider someone a friend.

 

I used to have a higher set of standards to call someone a friend than I did to become romantically involved with them. I think that's a good part of the reason that I ended up in some of the situations I did. I also remembered when I realized that. Winter, 1997, the little apartment in the woods. On the phone with a friend (someone I'd known for over a decade at that point) ranting about the bf du jour when I blurted out, "I wouldn't let my friends treat me like does!" About a minute after I said that I stopped cold and said, "Wait a sec...what did I just say about not letting my friends treat me like this?" It was an eye opener for me. Future romantic interests started getting a little closer scrutiny from that point forward.

 

But this current situation....this is not about romantic interests, and it's not about a game, either. It's about friendships and who we allow into our lives and how far we allow them in. It's about the choices we make and the stands we take...who we trust and who we believe...who would make a good friend....a real friend. Not an acquaintence, not an activity partner....but a real friend. In the last couple weeks, people have sorted themselves out as to where they belong in my world. I want to say I'm surprised at how things shook out, but if I go to that place of honesty and truth within myself....I'm not really surprised. There's nothing here that I didn't suspect. The only thing I didn't know was the details of how it would fall apart.

 

Sometimes, when I see people who are so different from me in terms of of being outgoing and social and tactful and diplomatic, I feel....inadequate at best....like there's something fundamentally wrong with me. For today at least, I'm seeing that "social, tactful & diplomatic" can require a certain amount of deception. Sometimes a large amount of deception. And for today, at least, I'm not seeing that as a positive thing or something I wish I had more of. If anything, I've been striving for "less deception" not more.

 

Looked at in a certain way, I will be having less deception in my life in just a few days...as I control the only thing we can ever really control: What I do, and how (and where) I choose to spend my time.

[shes2smart]

At The Gym

 

I gravitated toward Big Country for my elliptical workout. This popped up. It seemed....significant....

 

 

When the band was new and just being introduced to American audiences, I read an article about them. It was an interview with Stuart Adamson. Asked to sum up the band's (his) music, he said something that has stuck with me all these years later. He described it as "optimism in the face of adversity." And I hear that in many of their songs.

 

And for some reason, I needed to hear it today.....

[shes2smart]

Ooooo! Even Better!

[shes2smart]

My Man, Francis Dunnery....

 

link removed

[shes2smart]

Moving Day

 

Sever moving day, that is.

 

We've seen more behavior in the last few days that just reinforced the decision to transfer. They were short one person the other night and they actually had the cojones to ask me to help them -- after treating me the way they have and my telling them a couple weeks back that I was done raiding with them and wouldn't do so again....they actually had the nerve to ask me for help. I couldn't formulate a response that wouldn't tip our hand, so I didn't answer. That's always an option in this game...people figure you've wandered away from the computer. Even my husband was stunned that they asked.

 

They were short several people last night. I saved them the "moral dilemma" of asking me or not asking me to help by not even being on that toon or that server. I was on my low level on the new server getting to know those folks. I logged on some time after they called it and ended up on a rather pleasant run with a thrown together group of people I have no issues with. Nice last hurrah on this server for me, really.

 

It's chiropractor day. Gotta get showered and dressed and outta here...