Wonderland

[shes2smart]

From The Library

 

Remember: crisis is an opportunity for dramatic, positive change. Things are supposed to fall apart, to bring you to a better place. Those who don't see life that way remain stuck in endings.

 

Even if you could walk right back into your old life at its best, it would not be the same. You are different. People with good childhoods or wonderful high-school careers or great beauty in their youth often think, "If only I could go back."

 

The you who lived that life no longer exists. You can never go back; if you are going forward with conscious direction, you won't want to.

 

The consciously lived life creates the ideal situation for each stage of your development. Often a crisis is generated precisely because your unconscious and your intuition know that you need to grow in order to emotionally and spiritually survive, but you just can't stop hanging on.

 

...

 

You need to embrace who you are and where you are right now. It may not be where you want to be. Your worst fear may be remaining this person stuck in the current reality. In order to gain sufficient traction to move forward, though, you need to have your tires firmly in the dirt. Remind yourself that you have the power to take yourself wherever you need to go -- even if you don't know where that is right now.

 

Your task right now is not omniscience. Your task is to simply extend one foot in front of th eother and walk.

 

- "Welcome to Your Crisis" - Laura Day

 

Just one of those things that fell into my hands at the right time.

[shes2smart]

Kissing Food Network Goodbye

 

Today, we had them shut off the cable TV. We were going over financial stuff to see where we could cut back. Realistically, we don't watch that much TV. I mean, I sometimes go for days without turning the silly thing on. First few years I lived alone, I didn't even own a TV. I actually started bringing this up before I got downsized.

 

The reality of our lives is we spend most of our free time at home in the computer room playing Warcrack. I'd be surprised if we racked up a total of 5-10 hours of TV in a week. If I had it on, it was on Food Network or I was trying to get information about bad weather on the Weather Channel.

 

It's not really worth $50-some a month for that. Particularly now. We thought we had the option of getting satellite TV for, like, $10 a month through my husband's job. They came out to install, but due to some obstructions in the neighbor's yard, we don't have a clear line of sight for the satellite dish. So that is not an option.

 

Someday, when we are making real money again, we'll probably have it hooked back up. But until then it's goodbye to Paula and Rachael and Duff and Guy and Emeril(even though I didn't like him all that much) and Mario and Bobby and Giada and Sunny and Nigella....... It makes me kinda sad, but I also know it's for the good of the larger picture. Besides, I still have the website with all the recipes.

 

My husband actually made it to the gym 2 times this week. This is major. He weighed himself while he was there. The gym got these digital scales a few months back and they are accurate. The old doctor's office scales they used to have would end up being off quite often...and by quite a bit. But there's no fooling the new digital ones.

 

Anyway, this time last year I weighed 17-19 pounds more than I do now. I lost the weight and it went...to him, apparently. He's not happy about it. We discussed it and he says he wants to do something about it. But where the rubber meets the road, he is not ready to change his dietary or physical behaviors.

 

I was reading some of my entries from about a year ago, and I see where his eating and exercise habits had really started to bother/concern me then. Even before I had the first gallbladder attack...but after I had my appendix out. He's watched the changes I've made in the last year and the effect that even those small changes have brought about...but there's a disconnect between what he's eating/doing and how he gained that weight.

 

I told him I will not play "food police." I'm plenty busy managing eating and exercise for myself. I will not take it on for another person. So, as part of that, I keep my comments to myself as he loads up the grocery cart with chips and ice cream and orders double pepperoni on his half of the pizza. Actually, when we order or make pizza, they look a little weird. I haven't had a meat topping on a pizza I made or ordered since my gallbladder attack. My half has been one of 3 things: double mushrooms, green peppers and onions or Pizza Hut's Veggie Lovers minus the olives. (I don't like olives.) His half is usually pepperoni or peperoni & bacon. His half of the pizza browns up a lot more during baking because of the fat content. It looks kinda weird in contrast with stuff on my half.

 

I'm writing about this because I need to get it out of my head. (I will not play food police) Seriously, though, if you're that upset about your weight, (I will not play food police) you need to change some of your behaviors. (I will not play food police) If nothing else, just practicing portion control will result in some weight loss. (I will not play food police) I'd consider it a bonus if he'd go so far as to eat some vegetables and cut down on things like pepperoni and bacon and bratwurst and fries. (I will not play food police) Maybe get off his ass, get off the Warcrack and hit the gym a little more often. (I will not play food police) But, y'know, before I got to where I am now, I sure as hell didn't want anyone nagging me about those things. (I will not play food police) That's why I don't offer up my opinions about it.

 

Still, with all I've learned about food, eating and regular exercise (much of which was picked up in dealing with health crises last year), it's sometimes hard to stand by and watch what he's (not) doing. But for my own health/well-being, I have to stay out of it as much as I can. It's not my behavior to change, my decision to make or my body to control. I've got enough to handle dealing with that stuff for myself.

[shes2smart]

Guild Drama

 

There have been several things bothering me about our Warcrack guild for the last few months. It's not any specific thing any individual is intentionally doing....and those are always the hardest things to address. Basically, I'm fed up with being put in an "outside looking in" position and feeling like when I am asked join, it's some bizarre combination of pity invite and "keep the main tank (my husband) happy." While I can't put my finger on any specific thing, I get the overall vibe that I'm not being given much credit for being a decent player/decently geared player in my own right.

 

I got tired of it (and getting shut out of a raid....again) last night. I have noticed this pattern the last few months...too many players sign up for the raid, and it seems that more often than not, when I sign up (which isn't every raid night by any stretch of the imagination), the only times I get to go are the times when my husband has a little "chat" with someone during raid invites. I started feeling like I can't get in on my own merits...that I only get in because he's had a little "chat" with whoever's putting the raid together.

 

This might even be ok if everyone else who was being allowed in was better geared, or a better player...but they're not. Some of them can't get there on time or they get there and they're not prepared or they don't follow directions during the fights.

 

So I got shut out again. Instead of just sitting there finding other things to do while my husband sat on the other side of the room raiding and basically ignoring me for 4 hours, I decided to go shopping. I need to get an area rug for my studio, so I went to Wal Mart to see what they had. I wandered around Wal Mart for a good hour. Didn't buy anything because that Wal Mart is stupid-busy on Friday nights and they never have enough check out lines open, so you end up standing in line for at least a half hour.

 

When I got home, I logged into the game and de-guilded. And that's when the (crap)storm started.

 

The last straw today was my husband claiming he was going to leave the guild (in a most spectactular, assinine, juvenile and unnecessary fashion) in the middle of the next raid in such a way (he said) that no guild on this server would take him. In all of this, I never once suggested, asked, hinted that he part ways with this group. That was all him. Yeah, and a few months later, blame ME for not being able to do progression raiding with a group he really likes anymore? I don't think so. Homegirl is not going there.

 

Soooooooo....instead of taking a nap between jobs, I spent way too long talking to the Guild Master. Who kept wanting to talk about why I quit and didn't seem to get that wasn't why I was talking to her. I swear, if she tried to reassure me one more time how much people in the guild "loved" me..... My goal was to try and come up with something so my husband didn't go all Captain Ass on them and then regret it later. I'm back in the guild because that was the ONLY thing that was going to make him behave. But I'm not sure I want to be. Because now more than ever, if I happen to go raiding, I will have it in my head it's not because they want ME there, but they don't want to lose their main tank (my husband).

 

My husband is also not getting that I started raiding for 2 reasons: 1. I was unemployed and needed the distraction and 2. It's difficult to spend any time with him otherwise because he's raiding 3 or 4 nights a week. I'm not doing it because it was a goal of mine in and of itself...and really, after about 2 hours, I want to do something else. Most raids go about 3-4 hours.

 

So he's having his little hissy fit...he wants me in the guild, he wants me in the raids...or else he's going to be Captain Ass and leave them stuck with no main tank. I re-joined the guild so he doesn't go off on poeple who don't deserve it and shoot himnself in the foot...but I don't believe I'll be signing up for any more raid nights, either. Because I really see that becoming a case of SSDD. They have their little group of regulars, and I'm not part of it for whatever reason. He cannot make them accept me, and I don't want to be included because he threatened them with his departure if they didn't.

 

Before anyone feels the need to PM me about the real stupidity and so-not-importantness of this and/or the Evil, Awful, Relationship Destroying Warcrack....save your fingers. I already know how stupid and juvenile this whole thing is. I also know the case could be made for me being the one who started it,too...so don't feel like that needs to be pointed out to me, either. The game itself is not the problem...the social interactions are the problem, as they always are with me. Group dynamics generally leave me on the outside because of my.........unique.......set of personality traits. I don't doubt that these people like me. In this particular situation, I doubt they have much respect for me as a player. And if there is one thing I hate, it's being the charity case and getting the pity invite. Better I should go somewhere else where I can be part of a raid on my own merits and not because I happen to be the main tank's wife.

 

But nobody I'm dealing with seems to get that. Including my husband, who can only focus on "but I want to do this with you!!!" Completely neglecting the fact that he was raiding with these people months before I ever even hinted about going myself and that he still goes without me and seems to have a fine time. Or maybe he's on the other side of the room laughing and making smart ass comments because he's secretly miserable and having a bad time?

 

I dunno. What I do know is there are 2 people who know why I re-joined the guild. The resume re-writer and his partner, who very astutely said, "Damn. You've given this guild thousands in gold (game money), you've filled in when they needed, you went and got your toon geared, you agree to let him raid 3 or 4 nights a week, and now you come back to somewhere you don't really want to be so they can still have a main tank. They really don't get it, do they?"

 

No, I don't think they do.

 

Maybe it is time to start playing my non-guilded hunter again.

[shes2smart]

Mem'ries....Light The Corners Of My Mind....

 

It just hit me why I am so over-the-top pissed about the guild drama.

 

Back at dysfunction junction, when I was a Program Director (and doing 4 or 5 other full time jobs)...a few months before the Great Crash of 2003...I actually tried to resign the PD gig and go back to my old job.

 

They wouldn't let me. They gave me the corporate version of, "but everybody lurrrrrrves you...don't quit." And I bought it. And 3 months later I was in a broken heap on my bathroom floor. And none of the people who professed to "lurrrrrrve me" so much was there to help in the aftermath. They were too afraid I'd sue them. To offer help might've meant the appearance of Taking Responsibility, and we just couldn't have that.

 

So, I wanted to leave the guild where I was feeling like I didn't fit in anyway. And my husband got so pissed off about it that he gave me the hellacious choice: re-join and keep doing stuff with them or he's going to be Captain Ass and drag a bunch of other people into it and sabotage what he really wants to do. What do you do? Bite the bullet and re-join or say "the hell with that" and stand by and watch the destruction?

 

The last 24 hours it's been a lot of disrespect and people Just. Not. Getting. It.

 

And it feels a lot like when I tried to resign from the PD position, which is what I really needed to do to take care of myself....but I didn't.

 

I wonder how things would be different if I'd hadn't caved back then. Would the Great Crash of 2003 ever have happened? What about everything after? There's no way to know.

[shes2smart]

Oh, The Irony

 

The thing I was doing as a distraction and escape from the BS of people in the real world has become fraught with the very things I wanted to be distracted from.

[shes2smart]

Yeah...Y'all Luuuuurrrrrve Me....

 

That's why only one of y'all has taken the time to personally say "Hey, glad you're back," to me. Not the person I expected, but it never is, is it? I alternate between being pissed and sad about it. Bottom line right now is my distraction's been taken away again because of all the guild drama....and we don't have cable TV anymore, so I can't numb out on Food Network...which has left me plenty of time to ruminate about things.

 

I got paid today. My paychecks depress me. I had enough to make this month's house payment, so I should just focus on that, I guess. We get bonus checks next week, and maybe I'll have enough to pay for car insurance, credit card and home warranty monthly payments. The paychecks fall at weird intervals at the new job -- pay periods are first through 15th and 16th through the end of the month, so we get checks a couple days after the 1st and 15th and bonus checks around the 10th. So the first 3 weeks of the month I get a check...then nothing until the next month. I'm still adjusting to that.

 

The latest twists and turns in the guild drama (and resulting lack of distraction from real life issues since the game is so riddled with them it's no longer a distraction) have me awake in the middle of the night. It's not that big a deal, really, since I don't have to be anywhere until mid-afternoon. If I go to bed at 6am and sleep til noon, it's not like I'm going to miss anything...and I'll still be rested for work. So, hey, there's another positive from the job I do have.

 

I dunno, the whole guild drama thing has stirred up so much crap for me...about how I interact with other people and how I put much more emphasis on people's actions than what they say...and how maybe not everyone is like that. In my head, I replay other past bad experiences interacting with groups of people. What am I missing? What is it other people have that allow them to have good social experiences in a group setting that I don't? Why is it when I'm thrown in with more than, say, a half dozen people, I don't function very well and mostly keep to myself? Is it an exercise in futility to try to be any different? I am what I am....and I have been like this for as long as I can remember.

 

Good Lord...it is like high school. I'd have this group of "friends." But I'd never feel like I fit in and their reassurances that I did and they lurrrrrved me rang hollow in light of their actions. Like now. 30 some years later, and it's the same damn thing. It's not that I think no one likes me. I have friends...real friends, without quotation marks...who I know love me and think I'm just wonderful. But in these group interactions...these "friends"....are mostly surface words, but no substance.

 

Even though I am no longer dating (and haven't been for years), I still get fooled by pretty words. Words like "friends" and "love"....things I suppose every human being longs for...when those words start getting flung around, I guess I am still a bit susceptible to believing what's being said...and then feel smacked in the face when the actions fail to back up the words. When called on the non-matching or complete lack of actions, most will claim ignorance...they didn't know or it wasn't intentional.

 

It seems like this is familiar ground for me. Ground I've been crossing over repeatedly for the last 30 or so years. The people I know are my friends and I know love me aren't prone to a lot of pretty words...they speak through their actions. But apparently, I can still get sucked into believing those claiming to be "friends." And that slap in the face when their actions say it's not true still stings.

 

In any event, I expect there will be some sort of resolution soon. Depends on the "yea" or "nay" of one person. That would be the person who is the one in charge of putting raids together these days. If it's a 'yea' I will (somewhat reluctantly) give it another shot. Because I hate this on the outside looking feeling. Because if I don't go with this group my husband's in, that's 3 or 4 nights raiding (plus associated time in game to support the raiding habit) that he's not available. Because it's not a bad group of people, really...they're just not friends (without quotation marks) who love (not luuuurrrrve) me...what they are is people we play a game with. Nothing more. If the response is 'nay'.....ummmm....not sure.

 

The funny thing is, I don't know which way it'll go, really. It wouldn't surprise me to get some tactfully worded reply telling me there's nothing wrong with my toon's gear or my play style...but there's just no room right now....or some other reason.

 

Earlier I was wondering why I didn't just let my husband go all Captain Ass Hat on them. Why did I care that these "friends" who luuuuuurrrrve me not be left stuck without a main tank? I don't know. (I'll take "martyr" for the win, Alex....)

 

Oh, look...it's only 5am and I'm feeling like I'm ready to go back to sleep now.....

[shes2smart]

....And Then....

 

The video card on my computer seems to have quit working. If I log into the game it's just a lot of scrambled blocks of color instead of smooth animation. Windows crashed and the error message I got was regarding the video card drivers. Downloaded the appropriate driver, but it's still scrambled.

 

There are no coincidences. I'm not sure what could make it more clear that I need to not be doing that for now.

 

Oh, sure, we'll get the video card replaced....but I'm in no hurry. It's not like you're going to see me rushing out to Micro Center first thing tomorrow morning or trying to run over there before I have to be at work this afternoon. No, things are functioning enough that I can check email, and use the websites I use. I just can't play Warcrack.

 

But right now, I think that might be a really good thing. All the better to evaluate its place in my life, and sift thorough the interactions I've been having or not having with the people on there without being distracted by it. One thing I've started to wonder, though, is this: If I stop playing....and he doesn't....what happens then?

[shes2smart]

Dang, I Had No Idea

 

From the "We Never See Ourselves The Way Others See Us" Department: So, my new employer has a monthly newsletter they distribute with our first paychecks of the month. One of the items in it was about my department moving to one of the other locations. They came and took a picture of us to go into the newsletter. So, we got that with our checks this past week. And I looked, expecting the usual horrid picture of myself (I do not photograph well...I never have), and instead I looked at it and my first thought was, "Damn...I have lost weight...a lot of weight." As if to confirm this, I was killing some time shopping the other day and just for giggles, tried on a size 14 skirt. I got it on and it fit fine standing. It was a little too snug to be comfortably wearable sitting, but I did not struggle getting it zipped up.

 

No diet, no program, no trainer, no club, no drugs, no surgery...nothing but me and some (sustainable over the long haul) behavioral changes. Some brought about by necessity -- "I don't want to trigger a gallbladder attack, so I'm going to avoid fried/greasy/whatever"....some by choice "Y'know, I start feeling really crappy if I don't move around on a regular basis." But that's all it really was. Small stuff. And "weight loss" was never a goal in all those things I changed. It couldn't be.

 

So this past week, someone we know had a heart attack. He is in his 50's, and it's not his first one. His wife is also in her 50's. I love these folks dearly, but I do not want to age like they have. They are both of average/normal weight...but they both lead a fairly sedentary lifestyle and smoke. He has been told to knock of the ciagrettes permanently in the aftermath of the heart attack this past week. He might for a while, but long term? Sorry to say, I think not. Just given how he was before this past week. It wasn't his first heart attack and he's been aware he's had cardiovascular issues for a long time...but still, he smoked.

 

So, I don't want to age like that. I don't want to be like they are now when I am their age. I'm already ahead of it because I don't smoke and I never have...and because I do exercise regularly. I wonder what they're thinking? Did they expect that their physcial state is just "normal" for their age? Do they think they're somehow immune to the effects of long term cigarette smoking? Did they think it wouldn't happen to them? Is there a lack of being able to see how actions today impact the larger picture?

 

I dunno. I went through this "waking up" process somewhat with food/food choices/food portions/physical activity and how that all works together (and how f'ed up most people have it). Just seems to me there's a louder, stronger, more direct, more constant flow of that type of information regarding cigarette smoking/tobacco use than there is about eating and exercise.

 

How do you seemingly miss it? How do you develop the mindset that it's not going to catch up to you?

 

We are going to visit tomorrow. Please, God, let me not be visibly or audibly judgemental. It's not my life, and thereforee I do not get a vote. The only thing I get to decide is to not choose that for myself.

 

The Guild Drama is probably going to be resolved one way or another in the next 48 hours, since the person putting together the raids these days will be returning from vacation tomorrow sometime. I am still not convinced it will be a good/acceptable resolution just based on how my interactions with groups have gone the last 30 years. But it sure has given me pause to ponder that pattern.

 

What I am doing/what am I lacking when it comes to functioning within a group setting that generally leaves me on the outside looking in? Can I be different? Or is it just part of my personality that I don't do well and usually don't particularly like functioning in a group environment? I mean, I think this Demotivator link removed is a great description of what happens too often when "we" try to do things as a group. (By "we" I don't necessarily mean just the guild "we," but any group -- work, social, school -- I have been involved with or been witness to).

 

When I've had to work in a group setting at work or school, it just seems like there's one or two people who actually come up with the ideas and do the work, and everyone else just coasts and tries to grab credit or avoid blame, depending on the outcome. In a social setting, some people will run roughshod over everyone else to get what they want and then they either leave or they piss off the other people so much that they get left.

 

I am trying like hell to recall a group experience (in ANY context) that I would consider a "good experience" for me....and I'm having a really, really hard time coming up with one. I mean, my initial experiences with the BDSM social groups were good...but after I'd been around them a while, it was the same tired crap. And there were some group planned charity event broadcasts that started off ok...but ended up with some people dropping the ball and some people having to do most of the work and I was just glad it was a limited duration thing and thankful when it was over. But I am hard pressed to come up with even one group experience that I can say, "Yes, that was good from start to finish." Mostly, they're "Well...we got done, but I'm glad it's over." And some are just, "Get me the hell outta here NOW."

 

I wonder if it's just a matter of preferring my own company -- or the company of a few people I already know -- most of the time or if it's some sort of psychological problem...or something that I should want to fix or change. I mean, I tend toward thinking this is just how I am and it's fine...then I wind up ass-deep in a group situation and feel inadequate and like I'm missing some skill that everybody else has. Like, why am I (seemingly) incapable of enjoying the kinds of group dynamics and interactions that other people not only enjoy but seek out?

 

Eh, it might be easier if he says there's no room in the raids, really. Sure, it'll piss me off at first...and I'm likely to stop playing the toon that is in the guild and/or take her out of the guild, but after that initial reaction dissipates, I might be better off....

[shes2smart]

That Was The Week That Was

 

 

 

My friend R was in town a few days ago. We had lunch with him. It was good to see him because it has been far, far too long. R does not talk about himself much. If you try to get him to talk about himself, he gives a brief, vague answer and changes the topic.

 

So, we were catching him up on what's been going on with us since we saw him last, and going over the job-changing, job-losing, income crashing, health insurance gapping, medical situation having madness of the last year and a half. In typical R fashion, he listened, asked a bunch of questions along the way then sat quietly for a moment and said, "Everything happens for a reason," as if it was God himself speaking. Then he listed off all the things he saw us as having learned from all the events. And after hearing his take on it, somehow it doesn't seem quite so bad. This is why I have kept this person in my life for the last (almost) 2 decades.

 

There was a bit more thrashing around with the Guild drama, but it's resolved now. I'm sure the people I dealt with are sort of scratching their heads going, "huh?" but in the end, it came down to a couple of things for me. First, I was at my limit for dealing with the BS, so finding the quickest way to end it became a priority. Second, it's a freakin' game. These people are "friends" (with quotation marks) not friends (without quotation marks), I shouldn't expect anything from them. They are people I play a game with, nothing more. Or, in other words, I decided to treat them like co-workers...friendly, polite, professional...but let's leave the personal BS out of it, please. Third, I figured out what I wanted from the situation, considered what the powers that be in the Guild were saying, and then figured out how to get what I wanted within the rules and structures they had laid out. Fourth, if there is any constant in Warcrack Guilds, that constant is change. Much like real life, only a little more condensed, so the changes happen on a much faster scale than out here in the non-virtual world. So, maybe I'm not completely happy with all the aspects of the current situation...but in a few weeks, the situation will change without me doing a damn thing. Finally, I decided to channel the pissed off into improving my toon. I have picked a class and spec to play that has no clearly defined place in the game...but after trying a few different toons, this is the one I like best. In that respect, it's much like my real life, "Can do a lot of different things fairly well, but no one really knows what to do with her."

 

I am off both jobs today (yay!) but have to work at both tomorrow (boo!). My husband is planning some sort of whole-house-clean-a-thon on Sunday, so there is no point in me cleaning today. My plans are going to the gym at some point, and maybe getting a new shower curtain liner.

 

My life is sooo exciting.

[shes2smart]

Love Sounds Like You

 

 

 

So, I've written a little about my "relationship" with Queen here. Today, for some reason, I want to write about my "relationship" with Queen guitarist Brian May.

 

This morning, as I was driving to work (non-radio job), I had my ipod plugged into my car radio. My new favorite thing to do is have the ipod sort by song title, then just start at some random place. Today, I started in the B's and that song popped up. I haven't listened to it in, quite literally, years. But this morning, to hear that voice singing those words....it was another one of those instances of this particular musician/band crossing my path at precisely the right time.

 

A couple weeks ago, we watched a DVD of the movie Sybil ). My husband had never seen it. I was about 12 when it came out...don't remember how old I was when I saw it on TV. I do know that when I did see that movie, it started my mini-fascination with Multiple Personality Disorder. When I got to be high school age, I made the realization that movie was based on a book, and it occurred to me the library might have the book. Sure enough, they did...and I read it. And then I proceeded to read every other similar "based on a true story" book about MPD the library had. I mean, I was really enthralled with MPD...what happened to people that led them to develop it, how did they function with it, what would it be like to not be in full control of your brain and to "lose" parts of your life and chunks of time.

 

When I was with my college bf (aka "the only ex I keep in touch with"), we used to talk about stuff like that. He was a psych major at the time, so it wasn't too odd to be talking about MPD. We came up with a theory as to why I'm so ridiculously fascinated by MPD. Had I been (a lot) less lucky, had my parents been (a lot) more whacked-out and prone to violence/physical abuse, I might've been prone to splitting. Just a theory. Not one I'd ever really want to test, mind you. But I think it does go a long way toward explaining why MPD fascinates me more than the average person.

 

So, home life wasn't great growing up...but it wasn't utterly horrible, either. I had a very active imagination and I learned to use it to make things more tolerable until such time that I was old enough to make things better...and a lot of that centered around Queen and Brian May. A lot of that centered around this little imaginary place I made in my head...a serene, secluded, very green outdoor setting...and my way from "here" to "there" was Queen. (Specifically the "Queen II" album...the set of songs called "Side White" back when albums had sides....)

 

I'd listen to it on my headphones and do what I would now call self-hypnosis or guided meditation...back then, I had no idea what those things were or that they even existed. All I knew was I had this little story I told myself and pictured in my head that went along with those songs...and I could make myself go to sleep when I did that...no matter what else was going on. It's still a pretty good indicator of how upset I am. If I start feeling like I want to listen to that album in particular, there's a real good chance some Serious Stuff going on. And I still remember the little story I used to tell myself and the images that went along with it. I will probably remember it long after I've forgotten many other things.

 

Today, that song popping up on the ipod was one of those little glimmers...one of those things people call "coincidences"....one of those little road signs that you're going the right way and it's all working as it should. Maybe even that the worst of it is behind me now. At least that's what it feels like. Given the "relationship" I've had with them...with him in particular...what else could it be?

[shes2smart]

You Got A Lot Of Nerve.....

 

A combination of vacation season in radioland plus a couple poorly-timed appearances for those who are not on vacation has resulted in me being asked to fill in on my former station doing my former shift for a couple of days. I'm told I will be paid for the full shift even though I am pre-recording the show (have to be at my non-radio job at the same time).

 

On the one hand, this is something that would never occur at Dysfunction Junction. They wouldn't trust any former (or sort-of former) employee to go on the air and not do something stupid/juvenile/unprofessional. They'd automatically assume the worst of a person, and they wouldn't even consider it, let alone have the nerve to ask. At the same time, when I got asked to help out my former station, I couldn't help but think, "You have a lot of nerve to ask me to do that after you eliminated my position." Because I could use the money, it really won't take me that long to do the work, and I want to be the bigger person and not seem petty and vindictive, I agreed.

 

But I still think they have a lot of nerve even asking, though.

[shes2smart]

Like Riding A Bicycle

 

Went to the radio station after the non-radio job and knocked out the shows they asked me to do. Because yesterday was a convenient time for me and because I wanted to get them out of the way and off my "to do" list quickly as possible, so I wouldn't keep thinking about the kinda nerve they had to even ask in the first place. It's done and I have a paper trail confirming I'm getting paid for the full shifts. All there is left to do is collect the money.

 

It went pretty smoothly, though. Got them done in less than an hour and a half. Even though I've been out of the loop for that station for 6 months, it's still pretty much the same stuff. What kind of effort did I put forth? Hmmm. Enough that it'll probably make someone feel bad that I'm not on there full time anymore. Enough that they'll probably get a call or two from some of my die-hard regular listeners asking if I'm coming back. Enough to be in line with what I was being paid. So, enough. And enough is, well, good enough.

 

When I finished, the overriding feeling was, "Good, that's done...now let's get the hell out of here and go home."

 

So, the plan for this morning (pre-work) is to go to the gym. I need a little more time to wake up, but I'm thinkin' getting out of here in the next half hour or so is on the agenda. That's enough...and as we've already established, enough is good enough.

[shes2smart]

How Long Do You Give Them?

 

Seems to be the question of the night for me. How long do you give them?

 

How long do you give the "work part time with bonuses and see if we can get by on that and see if they'll maybe hire you full time" and/or freelance brings in enough to make it workable plan? There was a message on my answering machine. Some State agency got my name from the Civil Service exams I took a few months ago. When I got my scores, I kinda thought I'd scored high enough that I'd get a call at some point. They called to set up an interview, so it's not like I've been offered a job or anything...but still. It does bring up the question: How long do you give them? (In this case "them" being my current non-radio employer)

 

How long do you give the "keep signing up to go on raids and we'll try to work you in" plan? Can't expect immediate results, but at the same time, what's a reasonable time frame? Didn't get in tonight. Got asked to help out another guild with a lower-level raid, so I went with them. It wasn't a pleasant experience. The person leading the group has a lot to learn about how to motivate people. (Hint: You don't do it by disrespecting them and talking down to them and treating them like you think they're idiots.) I mean, I'm not the most tactful/tolerant person in the world, and I know that much about leading a group. It got called (...eventually...) because people just started leaving because of (I assume) getting fed up with the raid leader essentially telling the rest of us we were idiots.

 

In some ways, though, it was a good learning experience. In other ways, it does amp up my dissatisfaction with the current guild, too. So, I set up a spreadsheet to keep track of what they do. To keep me objective and to give me written evidence about what happened when and not just memory. The only thing I can't figure out is how long do I give them before I say "enough." How long do I wait around to be invited to the party?

 

On a related note, how long do I give my husband before I get really pissy about the game and this group of people? I mean, the idea -- his idea -- is that this is something we do "together"...which is kinda difficult and basically BS if we don't both get invited and/or if I go off with other groups. How long before I call BS on the "doing this together" line of thinking and say, "If you want to do this together, then that means we have to go somewhere else." And while I don't want it to come accross as an ultimatum, in some senses, it kind of is. I mean, a choice may need to be made and it comes down to deciding what's more important -- doing this with your spouse....or doing this with a group of people who aren't inclined to include your spouse (for lots of rational, logical and politely stated reasons..but nonetheless not including your spouse)?

 

There are some questions we don't really want the answers to. Most of the ones I have posed here in the past few paragraphs are falling into that category. I want to know...but at the same time, I fear the answer may be someting I don't want to hear.

 

It was not a "fun" night...which I guess is why I'm still awake and writing at this point.

 

I am not the world's most patient person. However, I can put up with a lot of crap if the end goal is something I really want. At one point in my life, I really wanted to be on the air...and I put up with so much crap just so I could have that. I wanted it that badly. But I find that, particularly with the guild raiding drama, my tolerance level isn't all that high. Which would indicate to me that this isn't something that I really (internally motivated) want.

 

I dunno. It's all kinda jumbled because it's going on 2:30 in the morning, and I am getting sleepy. Drained off enough of what's rolling around in my head to make sleep a possibility at least. That's good. That's what I was after with this. If I can get it out of my head and in the form of (sorta...) printed words, I don't have to hang on and remember it all. The (virtual) paper will do that for me, so my brain can just let it go for now.

[shes2smart]

Blow Out

 

On a related note, how long do I give my husband before I get really pissy about the game and this group of people?

 

Remember this question from the last entry? I found out the answer was "about 15 hours." It started off as a discussion and ended up being a really ugly, very long, uncharacteristically nasty argument. We worked through it and there's a truce, and some sort of planned compromise. But I have my doubts about how that will play out. The compromise basically is he gets what he wants now, and after his goal is met, then some changes are to be made.

 

For now...for me...it means more of the sign-up but don't expect to go crap and all the rest that's annoying me. In the last few months one of the "I don't want the answer to this" kind of questions that has been cropping up in my head is this one: What happens if I stop playing and he doesn't? I saw things during the argument that really make me wonder about that now. Not in a good way. Granted, we were both really pissed off at the time...but I still believe there's some grain of truth in the things that come out at heated moments. Maybe more truth than when we are calm enough to filter our reactions and words through things like "polite" and "considerate" and "kind" and soften and sugar coat the things that come flying out of our mouths. In anger, they are in their raw form...and there's a certain rough and crude truth in that.

 

Began to think about group dynamics and my (lack of) fitting in more. With the kink groups, with the metaphysical groups. I left out groups that were work groups. The fact that it's employment for some or all of the participants changes the dynamic. That would leave out the group of people I used to hang around at the race track. For some of them, that was their job. So, basically, I was looking for commonalities in groups that were purely social in nature to compare to the dynamics I see going on with the in game stuff.

 

The numbers of people we are dealing with now are coincidentally similar to the numbers of people in other social groups where things started to fracture and fall apart. It's that 25-30 people range. When the various metaphysical discussion groups I was part of got to that size, the quality of the discussions plummeted and group politics started coming into major play -- certain people thought they should be in charge, other people started questioning the authority of those who started the group and so forth. When the various kink groups I was part of got to be about that size, same things happened - cliques started to become apparent and disliked by those who weren't in them, beliefs started to clash, tolerance for differences diminished. So, maybe it isn't all just me. Maybe what I'm seeing is just what happens when you put that many humanoids together for purely social reasons and there's not some "compulsory" factor like work/staying employed or school/passing a class/graduating to keep them somewhat in check.

 

Then a bit from a book that I recently quoted here bubbled up to my conscious mind:

Things are supposed to fall apart, to bring you to a better place.

(Whole thing in context is here: ) Things. Are. Supposed. To. Fall. Apart. It's just the nature of it all. And when you are dealing with 25-30 people, not all of them will see the falling apart coming, and some of them are going to want to hasten its arrival just to get it overwith before it gets messy and some of them really won't care. They think the people getting pissed off and leaving is just The Way of Things.

 

So, did the argument and ensuing discussion solve anything? Not really. Change anything? Not in the present, perhaps in the future. Do I really believe that the changes he said he'll make once he accomplishes a stated goal will happen? Eh, not so much. And it makes me sad to say/think that. It really does. It makes me sad and angry and makes me wonder what things will be like in 6 months or a year down the road.

 

Things fall apart, to bring you to a better place. What we don't know is how long it will take us to walk through the wreckage of the falling apart before we start arriving at the better place. What we don't know is how many of the things we packed from the pre-falling apart will show up on the baggage carousel at the better place...and how much will be lost in transit.

 

In my "there's humor in every situation, even if it is sick, dark, bitter humor" outlook, there was one thought I had during the too-long, too-nasty, too-angry, too-ugly outburst. It was this: Well, it doesn't really matter because neither one of us makes enough to support ourselves right now...so we're kinda stuck. No one's going to go anywhere because neither can afford to.

 

I've read them....too many of them. The accounts of people who have split up with a partner who plays this game to excess and they don't play at all. The one who plays doesn't see a problem and refuses to cut down or walk away. While the non-playing person eventually gets fed up with being neglected/ignored and fed up watching the other person's time, energy and effort go into something that doesn't really exist and they cannot (for whatever reason) be part of. I don't want to end up like that. But this "compromise" (of his suggestion) sounds too much like the things I've read. The, "I'll cut back/quit after ." I know, first hand, of his track record for doing things he doesn't really want to do (like going to the gym). And some of the things he said during the argument....well, frankly, they scare the crap out of me. I made a suggestion. I suggested that after he accomplished , we could take a few months off from it entirely. The reaction I got bothered me...it still does...a lot. You would've thought I'd said something like, "Oh, after we have dinner tonight, let's not eat for a few months...just to take a break from it." I'm still trying to process it...but it really bothered me and trying to analyze it brings up possible outcomes I do not want to ponder. So, to some degree, I'm trying not to.

 

On the whole, though, if I had it to do over again...knowing what I know now...I never would've brought it up.

[shes2smart]

Maybe It Will Be Ok

 

I'm starting to think I need to banish that phrase from my vocabulary. Lately, it seems thinking, "maybe it will be ok" has just landed me in situations that, over time, grow to be come messy, complex and many other things. It's come to my attention that "OK" is rarely one of those other things.

 

Yesterday, I went to the interview for the State job I got a call about last week. The State's interviewing process is.....unusual. There were 3 people in the room to do the interview. They gave me a copy of the job description and gave me a few minutes to read it over. After that, they asked if I wanted to proceed. Then they read the State's anti-discrimination policy and disability policy to me. There may have also been some other similar, "we try to keep thing fair" statement, too. Then they explained how the interview was going to go.

 

They would be asking me 10 questions. They gave me a sheet of paper with the questions printed out on them. They would not be asking any other questions. If I had a question about the questions, they were not permitted to clarify/interpret -- they were only permitted to re-read the question to me. All 3 of them would record my answers. They said they were looking for specific things (but not what). Afterwards, all three of them would score my answers based on the specific criteria they were looking for and the interviewee with the highest score would be offered the job. They gave me a few minutes to read over the questions. Then one of them started reading the questions - verbatim - and letting me answer them one by one.

 

It was over fairly quickly. I have no idea how I did. It was, by far, the oddest and most structured interview I have done. There were no indirect/psych-out kind of questions. There were no follow-up questions. All 10 questions were focused on task-related experience with a few "how do you get along with your co-workers/supervisor" kinds of questions tacked on to the end. In a way, I kinda liked it. The straightforwardness of it, the structure.

 

That has been one thing I've found appealing about the idea of working for the State: there's a definte structure that's clearly outlined. Here's what we expect you to do (written out in detail on official forms), here's what you (and everyone else with this job classification) will be paid, here's how we choose who to hire, and so forth. It seems so much more fair and based on ability (well...for the most part) than the non-State employee selection process. I'm sure my limited experience with it is causing me to romanticize it to some degree...making sound better than it really is. But at its base, I like the clear structure. I like the defined, clearly laid-out, detailed plan of how they'd (ideally) like to do things.

 

I don't want to like it too much, though. Don't want to start thinking I have a good shot at it only to get the polite and PC rejection letter in a few weeks. If I don't get this one, my name (and test score) go back in the pool of potential candidates, so I could get a call from another State agency anytime. I think I'm in for a year, then I have to re-test to get back on the potential employee list.

 

And it's not that I dislike my current non-radio gig and/or want out of it. I do like it. But my problem with it is that it is part time, and because of that, the money isn't there to make it feasible long-term. It's enough to get by on (for now) but not enough to be comfortable or (gasp...God forbid) get ahead. The State job is $30k a year to start. For typing and shuffling papers around, Monday through Friday, no weekends, 10 paid holidays a year, plus vacation, medical, dental, blah, blah, blah. Because of the transparency in the State's pay structure, I can see that in a year or so, I could be close to what I was making before.

 

The work schedule for the next chunk of time at the radio station came out, and I am not happy. I've been put on days and times that I can't work there. When I pointed that out, I got a rather infuriating reply from the person who does the schedule (who isn't the PD). Y'know, I'm already just hanging on there by a few threads (I need the studio access and kinda need the money), I don't think it'd take much to break those threads. I'm looking at my Quicken checkbook and, really, I'm bringing in a squeak over $200 a month from there (after taxes, assuming one shift per week). And I'm wondering if it's really worth the amount of aggravation and the stupid long days I have to get through every other Saturday.

 

For as infrequently as I've actually used it, I could probably still have the studio access even if I wasn't (technically) an employee. And I am still working on the facility at home (ever.....so.....slowly......

 

Gosh, it sure sounds like, for all intents and purposes, I'm ready to leave there, huh? What do you suppose the odds of me still being there by the end of September are? I sent a (for me) rather firmly worded email to the PD and the scheduling person. Haven't heard back from them. As far as I know the odds of me still being there by the end of August aren't so great right now anyway. The weird thing is that's not particularly bothering me. I'm a little concerned on a financial level, but the operative word is "little." And that's the only level I have any concern on. It probably doesn't help matters that I really don't like the station I am on. In a way, if they came back and said, "we can't do anything with your availablity" it would be kind of a relief.

 

It is what it is. Of course, there's also the possibility (long shot...don't want to count on this at all) that State agency I interviewed with yesterday could offer me that job. That'd open a whole new set of issues, but the salary/benefit package alone would solve a bunch of others (others that I am, quite frankly, tired of dealing with). So, in order not to raise my hopes to a level where having them dashed would be painful, I am going to pretend yesterday's interview never happened. It was an earlier morning interview and I am no longer used to getting up and being out and functioning at that hour, so it's easy for me to consider it as something that happened in a dream.

[shes2smart]

Other People's Drama

 

I have known her for more than a decade. I have written about her here before. She is going through relationship upheaval...again. She had met this guy, dated him a while, things were great, he started talking marriage, he started talking about buying a house. They met each other's families, they met each other's friends. They told those people they were getting married. They found a house they both liked and started the process to buy it. The day after the home inspection was supposed to have taken place, she got an email from the realtor saying he had canceled the home inspection and told the realtor the sale was on hold. The realtor was emailing her to ask what was up because he would not respond to the realtor. He didn't even have enough backbone to tell her directly. She found out from the realtor.

 

He hasn't spoken to her (or, presumably, the realtor) since.

 

She is, understandably, a wreck. My friend is a good person. There's nothing wrong with her appearance wise. She has more social skills and a much larger social network than I do. She remembers people's birthdays and and stuff like that. She bought a duplex on her own several years ago. She lives in one half, and rents out the other. She holds down a full time job and is generally a responsible adult. She's gone to therapy to work on her crap. So, why am I on the sidelines observing her go through another bizarre ending with a guy who seemed normal enough....right up until he did ?

 

I don't get it. The things people do to each other. Why do you let the realtor do your dirty work? Why do you screw over my friend like that? If you didn't want to be in a relationship with her, why did you bring up marriage? Why did you bring up buying a house? And why didn't you have enough respect for her to tell her to her face that you were done? Why did you pawn that off on the realtor and reduce it to something that seems like it's from a TV sitcom? She deserves better than that. And, apparently, better than you......

[shes2smart]

During my break at work, one of the sales guys started talking to me. Asking how long I’d been working here and did I do the same kind of work in my last job. So I got to have the “I Used To Be A Radio DJ” conversation. It was weird. I can’t really figure out why. It’s almost like I’m having a hard time seeing myself as that…or maybe I just don’t want to see myself as that anymore.

 

I figure I’ve been at the non-radio job for 3 months now, and there’s been no movement forward on the keyboard tray. So I just went ahead and bought the one I wanted a few days ago. It was slow today, so I put it together and someone offered to attach it to the desk for me. It will take a while to notice a difference, but I am hoping that, over the next few weeks, my elbows and wrists will start to like me again. Having spent $75 on this item, it would be amusing to get a call from the State offering me that job, huh? Not holding my breath, though. Remember, I’m taking the view that it didn’t really happen anyway.

 

No reply from the radio station regarding next month’s work schedule. I wonder if they realize how close I am to saying, “Well…the heck with it. I’m out.” I’m guessin’ they don’t. I’m guessin’ they probably think I’ve still got the bug and miss it. Well…no, not really. Come Saturday night, when I’m doing the stupid-long day and trying to get through my 5 hour shift there, I’m not going to like it any more than I did last week or the week before, when I sat there thinking, “Wow. I really don’t like this station at all.”

 

I am a bit offended by the lack of a response. I closed the email by asking for assistance with some ideas on how to handle the various scheduling dilemmas, and nothing. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard a peep out of my supervisor there since mid-June. And that was when I tracked him down for about a week to ask a question. Multiple calls, multiple messages and telling the receptionist I wasn’t getting off the phone until (name) picked up and I finally got to talk to him. Way to make me feel like a part of the team (let alone a “valuable” part of the team). You’re already treating me like I’m expendable, maybe I should just live up to your expectations…..

 

Getting called for the interview for the State job stirred up all this job/employment/income stuff again. I was kinda going along in some sort of blissful/hopeful ignorance and being mostly ok with the new gig, and optimistic that it’d lead to something full time (eventually) or making enough bonuses that it wouldn’t matter and/or freelance money would start coming in to make up the deficit. But now that’s gotten a few rather large holes shot through it, and I’m in some combination of dissatisfied/panicky mode. Not surprisingly, those weird, anxiety-inspired, chest-squeezy, short of breath feelings have started cropping up again.

 

Did I ever think I’d see this day? Where I was really chomping at the bit and ready to cut those last few ties to something I used to love and would (and did) give up a lot of things for. Where I was ok with (and actually sought out) “just a job” and not having some lofty, passion-fueled “career.” Where I’d be one of those people I used to (wrongly) look down on. Where there’d be other things in my life that were more important to me than work. Where I’d be like most people, I guess.

 

In my life, I have this pattern of drop-kicking people and things out of my life when I am done with them. Ask all but one of my ex-boyfriends. Ask my parents. When I got to “I’m done,” that was it. Door shut, locked, and I didn’t look behind me once I shut & locked it. I feel that point coming with radio. And I wonder if that shouldn’t make me feel sadder than it does. The overriding feeling is one of, “Oh, for God’s sake, can’t we just stop the charade and get it over with already?!?!” Maybe the mourning was already done. Maybe I’d been doing a little bit at a time over the last few years. I mean, let’s remember, shortly after I moved down here, I decided that it was going to be the last radio gig. I knew that this would be the end of it. The only thing I didn’t know when I decided that was when and how that end would come about. Now I do know. And I think it’s safe to say that it came about in the only way it could have.

 

The last week of August always feels like things ending and/or things dying to me. Not that it’s been terribly hot here this summer anyway, but the past few nights when I’ve left work, there’s been a definite chill and sharpness in the air that usually isn’t around until October. Not as pronounced, but it’s definitely there….foreshadowing the change of seasons that’s coming. To some degree, that’s also stirred up the feeling that I should be Doing Something about my employment situation. I don’t know, what, exactly I’m supposed to be doing. Somewhere, I hear this voice going, “Ok, that was all well and good to screw around with this for the summer, but vacation’s over. Get a Real Job.” To which my reply is, “Ok…other than the fact this job is part time, isn’t this a Real Job?” Granted, it doesn’t stress me out (other than the financial stuff), it doesn’t overly tax my brain, I don’t have to take stuff home, I don’t have to deal with a lot of stupidity, the work is oddly enjoyable, I like the few people I work with, I like the later-in-the-day-but-not-too-late-at-night hours, I even like the 30-hours a week schedule (except for the financial stuff), and because of the bonuses, it pays more than similar jobs without the bonus factor. So, isn’t this a Real Job? Was what I had before a Real Job? Because I don’t want to go back to that if it was.

 

Dammit, it’s more of that Transition (ewwww) stuff. We’re four and a half months into it. Going by the average length of time other people have made this journey, we’re anywhere from a bit over one-third to a bit over one-sixth of the way through. Joy. I am soooo thrilled to realize that. Really.

[shes2smart]

Wouldja Look A' That....

 

So I'm at the gym earlier, slogging away on the elliptical doing my 35 minutes. They have a line of TVs mounted to the wall in front of the rows of the ellipticals, treadmills and bikes. I'm kinda half-watching and half-listening to what's on my ipod, when I realize all the TVs are showing John McCain getting ready to announce his running mate. And I see on the closed captioning that he's using the pronoun "she" an awful lot. Then he announces his running mate as Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

 

I don't give much of a hoot about politics. After my exit from full time media work, I am pathetically unaware of current events for the most part. But after seeing this announcement, I glanced around the elliptical/treadmill/bike area and every woman there...about 8 of us altogether...was staring at the line of TVs and smiling. Some exchanged glances with one another with a nod. It was a weird thing that zinged among us wordlessly at the gym. And just as quickly as it was there it was gone.

 

*warning: cynical negativity ahead* I wonder what happens 2 or 3 years down the road when all these people who are thinking things are going to change after this election come to realize that nothing really has?

 

And in that same cynical, negative line of thinking...but on a different topic entirely. I had one of those little unbidden, out-of-nowhere, pronouncements in my head. "That compromise you agreed to last weekend? Not gonna happen." He will keep doing what he's doing, the goal will pass and he will not cut back on raiding. He will come up with some loophole excuse ("But I didn't intend it would apply to the stuff in the expansion!" or some such thing) or he's expecting that they'll somehow magically find room to start including me and I won't want to cut back so he won't have to cut back either.

 

Sometimes I'm wrong about these kinds of things. Maybe this is one of those time. Granted, they don't happen very often. In this case, though, it wouldn't bother me to be really, really wrong and off the mark on this one.

 

The group I went raiding with last week has approached me about going with them again tonight. A couple of them have said that they were having a particularly bad/off night when I was with them and they're not normally like that. They don't start their stuff til much later, so I guess we'll see what happens at that point. I also have to keep in mind that I have a 2 job mega-long day tomorrow, too.

 

I have 2 other things I wanted to accomplish today....so I need to go do them.

[shes2smart]

Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mine

 

Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work. - George Carlin "When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?"

 

"When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?" is my current read. link removed. It's something to pass the time as I do my hard work at the radio station. At the very least it allievates the boredom.

 

After 3 months of having a job where they actually give you stuff to do while you're there and they expect you to, y'know, work and get it done, I wonder how the hell I managed to sit around and not do much of anything on a daily basis....and get paid a lot more. Weird.

 

she: I'm just tired of doing all the mental gymnastics to stay focused on the positive and believe that it'll all work out. Too much has gone on the last year or two and I'm tired. I'm tired of being tested and trying to make things work and not catching any breaks. I feel like crap, and while I would never actively seek to do any harm to myself, I also think that if I went to sleep one night and just didn't wake up the next morning that'd be ok too.

he: Well, that's kind of selfish of you, don't you think?

 

This is what you get for talking to someone who's not a licensed (or even amateur) therapist.

 

I'd been saying for the last few years that I'd been continually employed since I was 17 and was just tired of working. So, I thought to myself the other day, "Look, you have a job that nearly covers your basic expenses, you have some savings...maybe you deserve some time off....a sabbatical of sorts. Keep doing the 30 hour a week comfortably brainless job to 85-90% support yourself, make up the deficit with savings, and take....6 months or a year off. If you decide you want a Real Job again, you can go find one...but until you want one, it's kinda pointless to push yourself into one."

 

Is it wrong of me to want a year or whatever (mostly) off? Doesn't the fact that I was oh-so-careful and oh-so-frugal for so many years give me the right to spend some of it now so I can re-group and re-focus for My Life, Act II?

 

Was it a truly deep, A-ha! moment....or is this just Some Really Dumb Idea?

[shes2smart]

Sabbatical

 

So, I've floated this idea of spending a year(?) mostly off past a few people, including my husband, and their responses have all been positive and of the "go for it" variety. I wonder if any of them would really tell me it was a sucky idea, though. I would hope that at least one would've had enough guts and respect for me to say it was a sucky idea if they thought that. Otherwise, why am I even friends with these people?

 

Anyway, no one (except me) has said it's a sucky idea. I actually feel pretty good about it......until I get my paycheck. Then I get a little panicky. Coinicientally enough I got paid yesterday. So, I'm a little panicky. I guess I should just be focusing on the fact that there was enough to make the September house payment with a little extra left over. And be looking at the fact that I managed to make about 1/3 more appointments in August than I did in July (for bonuses) and I will get that check next week.

 

In related news, I think I've gotten a fairly good idea where the "You need to be looking for a Real Job" feeling is coming from. Once again, my parents have taken up some rent-free residence in my head and I have to evict them again. They were never too keen on the idea of me going into radio in the first place. I can't help but think that there'd have been some gloating "We told you that was a mistake" BS going on when I was let go and precious little of anything even resembling support. But, I never have to find out for sure, seein' as how I don't have any contact with them anyway. My gut feeling (based on 3 decades of experiences with these folks) is this has been easier without their input than it would've been with their input.

 

I have a job. I am paying my bills on time. For now, that's enough. If there is one constant in life, it's that things change. And this just-scraping-by situation will not be permanent, either. They'll either offer me a full time position where I'm working now, or I'll find something else, or I'll get my studio going and that will take off, or something else will fall into place to bring more income my way -- something will change. But for today, for now, my September house payment is made, I have money in the bank, food in the fridge, I'm physically feeling pretty good, and I have a job to go to later on today. I really have nothing to complain about.

[shes2smart]

Or Is It Just An Excuse?

 

So, the book I'm reading, "When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?" by George Carlin, is mostly about the softening of the language and how it pisses him off. Things he's noticed like sometime during his life "toilet paper" became "bathroom tissue" and "firing" became "staff reduction"...stuff like that. This softening of the language obscures things and makes clear communication difficult.

 

I'm pondering a "mid-life sabbatical" but as I read the George Carlin book, I can imagine him encountering that phrase and saying what a load of BS it is. So, I have to ask myself...am I sugar-coating the truth here? Is it just a pretentious way of saying, "I'm tired of working and lazy so I'm going to do the minimum I need to do to get by for as long as I can"? I mean, it's not like I'm going to school to learn a new skill set or doing a lot of traveling for personal enrichment or whatever. (Both things people tend to do on these "mid life sabbaticals") Nope, my flabby butt is sitting at home on the computer, doing some housework, going to the gym and putting in my time as an office drone 5 days out of 7.

 

I started working when I was 17. From that point forward, I have always had one job, sometimes two or 3. Even when I was let go from the station, I was still employed on a part time basis. I've been constantly working for over half of my life and for all of my adult life. Maybe I have earned a break. But do I really need to get all pretentious and full of myself and call it a "mid-life sabbatical?"

 

Probably not.

 

George Carlin's birthday is the same as mine....except for the year. If one buys into astrology on any level, that means that he and I share some personality traits. In a way, I think reading this particular book of his at this time is a reminder to not BS myself about what I'm doing. A phrase like "mid life sabbatical" has a whiff of the BS to it, doesn't it?

 

I think it might.

[shes2smart]

The End Is In Sight

 

The end of these stupid-long, work at both jobs starting at 9am and ending a midnight on Saturday crap. Tonight and then one more, and my obligation to do this is over. I'm not sure what it means on the radio station work schedule come next month, but I do know that I will not be doing anymore of these Saturday night shows.

 

I was looking at some blogs on other websites earlier. One of them written by someone I worked with many moons ago. She had posted this quote a while back and it hit a nerve:

Panic spreads easily if we forget that reality is much more flexible than our perceptions lead us to believe.

 

From the look of her blog entries, she has been/is going through a similar "moving away from radio" journey. We both spent our teens/20's single-mindedly pursuing being on the air at the expense of everything else in our lives. Everything else came second. And there was no plan other than being in radio. No back-up career or thought that we'd ever need or want to do anything else. It came so easy to us, being on the air...being a DJ. Neither of us could envision a time where we wouldn't love it and NEEEEEEED to do it.

 

Funny what time will do. I'm not clear from her blog entries if she's still working in the business or not. I do know that there are only the most fragile of strings keeping me here now. Most of which spring from financial need/financial fear and having studio access. It's not about loving it, or wanting to be on the air, or enjoying doing that anymore. Maybe it hasn't been about those things for longer than I really want to admit to myself.

 

I am burnt out on "having a career." For now, I'm fine with just "having a job." Maybe I will be fine with that for the duration of my working days. Maybe I will have a new career goal/dream catch my eye and re-light the fire. Maybe I won't. The idea of a rest (and perhaps a well deserved rest at that) resonates with me at some very deep level. When it's time to move again, the drive, desire, energy and direction will be there and will spring from within on their own.

 

Turn! Turn! Turn! - The Byrds

 

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

 

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

 

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

 

A time to build up,a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

 

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

 

A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

 

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

 

A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rend, a time to sew

A time to love, a time to hate

A time for peace, I swear its not too late

 

And a time to rest, too, I imagine.

[shes2smart]

That's The Way The Fortune Cookie Crumbles

 

Last weekend we had a meal at a Chinese restaurant. They brought our check with 2 fortune cookies. The one I selected had a slip of paper with this on it:

 

Trust your intuition. The universe is guiding your life.

[shes2smart]

Unplugged, Part 1

Tuesday September 16, 11:30pm

So, my intent is to scribble this out long hand and type it into my blog when we get power back. I am really old-schooling it…not just a handwritten entry, but hand written by candlelight.

This little (mis)adventure started on Sunday when the remains of Hurricane Ike made their way through my neck of the woods. No rain, but lots of wind. A stupid amount of wind. The kind of wind that makes me wonder what the hell people who stay put during an actual hurricane are thinking.

 

One of the large maple trees in our back yard lost several good sized limbs. Some hit the roof, but no real damage. A bit of the gutter on the back side of the house got bent up and the edge of some shingles were scraped on the one side of the house, but it could’ve been a lot worse. We got the big limbs dragged out to the front yard to break down and have the city take away. There’s so much of it…

 

The power went out late Sunday afternoon. It is now late Tuesday night…almost Wednesday, really…and we are still not plugged in. The power went on accross the street last night. Personally, I’m not really minding this little break from the electrified world. My husband, on the other hand, is cranky and b****y and taking the lack of power as some sort of very personal slight by the electric company.

 

Today, I got up and there was still no power. I had noticed on Monday that a nearby Laundromat did have power and was open. We normally do laundry on Mondays, but were unable to this week. So, after I got up, I gathered up the laundry, detergent and dryer sheets and headed off to the Laundromat. After I got home and before I had to leave for work, I started breaking down the smaller bits of tree limbs and putting them in yard waste bags. Because these things needed to be done. Because there is no way of telling when the power will be restored. Because life goes on.

 

Meanwhile, my husband is too busy being pissed off, annoyed and bored to do much else. It occurred to me earlier that he is good in sudden, short-term kinds of crises. I’m better at these longer, more drawn-out kinds of crises. It just seems like I’m dealing with the lack of electricity (and uncertainty over when it’s coming back) better than he is. I’m having a hard time understanding what the problem is, really.

 

We have a gas water heater, so we’ve got hot water. We can shower & wash dishes. It’s not freezing or sweltering, so it doesn’t matter that we don’t have heat or AC. We have three working flashlights plus a bunch of candles, so we do have limited light after sundown. We have a big cooler with ice and food we salvaged from the fridge. We didn’t have an entire tree come down, just a lot of large limbs, and none of them came through the roof. We have cell phones. Both of us still have jobs to go to. I mean, it’s really not that bad…but you wouldn’t know that listening to him.

 

Maybe it’s the age difference at play…I didn’t grow up with a bunch of electronic toys to amuse and entertain me. Maybe it’s the difference in life experience…I lived alone for the better part of ten years and learned how to keep myself amused. This one of those rare times I find some good and right things about the way my parents raised me. They discouraged a lot of TV watching and encouraged things like “book reading.”

 

I dunno. I am getting kinda tired of him complaining and calling and checking to see if the power’s come back on when he’s not here. It’s off. It was off for 60% of this county, more than 60% of people in the next county to the north, 60% of people in the county to our immediate west and so on. It’s going to take them a while to get everything working again. You getting pissed off and annoyed isn’t going to make them work any faster. It only makes the waiting more miserable.

 

It was a fairly busy weekend. Even before the storm and power outage. My friend came to hang out with us. She got here Saturday and ended up staying over an extra night because of the storms. When she called to let me know she had arrived home safely, she said the time here had helped her feel better about the break-up. I was glad to hear that. I remember back some seven years ago, when I was recently broken-up with my cheating ex that it was her couch I crashed on during some vacation time. I am glad I could return the favor. Although it is too bad that the circumstances requiring such a favor happened at all…

 

Well, maybe they will get us electrified sometime tomorrow. If they don’t I bet I’m in for even more Mr. Grumpy Pants griping when I get home tomorrow. Y’know, I hate to tell him that, except for a few things (like, say, refrigeration and a cooking appliance) I’m not really missing the TV, the lights, the computers, the Warcrack….

 

Nope. Not missing it much at all….

[shes2smart]

Unplugged, Part 2

 

Wednesday September 17, 10:30 am

 

Still no electricity. Made some progress on the downed tree limbs in the front yard. Cleaned up some crap in the back yard. Stuff that was there waiting to be dealt with long before the storms on Sunday. Stuff I’d been told would be taken care of, but apparently doing other things was more appealing or important.

 

At this point, I’ve realized nearly all of what we had in the refrigerator and freezer is going to be a loss. Despite bags of ice. Oh, well. Not much to be done about it. Didn’t know we were going to lose power and not have it for this long. Started cleaning out the fridge. No sense postponing the inevitable.

 

Monday and Tuesday I worked at our old office. There was no power at the other location. They got the power restored there last night, so I go back to my regular office today. That’s good. We moved so we’d have more space. I had kind of forgotten how cramped the old digs really were. I got sent home from work early Monday because there was no work to do. The power was out at 2 of our 3 locations, so there wasn’t a whole lot I could do. There was stuff to do yesterday, though, so I worked my whole shift. Trying to make up some of the lost hours by coming in early by 15-20 minutes for the rest of the week. I went home two hours early Monday, so it shouldn’t be that much of a bite from my paycheck. Should be back to normal today, though.

 

Monday, between the lack of power and resulting chaos…not just at my house but in the entire city…plus the upheaval with work and getting sent home early…and the news being all panicky about the stock market, it started feeling like everything was falling apart. I buried my nose in a trashy Jackie Collins novel and tried to keep distracted from it.

 

Sometimes, it’s easy for me to know this is temporary…that I won’t be stuck with part time/low pay employment forever. That the financial stuff will improve and I will get back to where I was income-wise and surpass it, too. But in the past week or so, I have been really challenged believing that. It’s hard to stay in a prosperity consciousness when money is just flying out of your checking account because of various bills and stuff. Last week I got the paperwork for the annual escrow analysis on my house. $200 short for the past year. So they’re upping my house payment in the hopes of not having a shortfall next year. I went ahead and paid the $200 shortfall from the past year in full. If I didn’t my house payment would’ve gone up even more.

 

That’s when I started to get the little bits of panicky creeping in around the edges…after I got that paperwork from the bank. Before that I was just thinking that things were good this month…that I’d managed to make enough to cover everything without going into savings. Then that escrow crap came along…and then the storms… Is it any wonder I started feeling like everything was falling apart by the time I got through Monday?

 

Y’know, I think I’m gonna go clean the litter boxes and take a nap before I have to get ready for work. I have time…and I was up early and doing yard work as soon as it was light enough to do so.

 

Wednesday September 17 11:30 pm

 

Still no electricity at home. This has sent my husband to new levels of out-of-proportion pissed off. Don’t really understand why, but am fast becoming tired of being yelled at for something that isn’t my fault and that I have no power to fix. This lack of electricity is annoying and inconvenient, but it’s not all that bad. It’s a comfortable temperature outside, so staying warm/cool is not an issue. We have a gas water heater, so we can still shower. He called the electric company to try and find out something, but they couldn’t give him any specific information…and that pissed him off more.

 

Stopped at the radio station on my way to the non-radio job to check e-mail. I can’t explain it, but it kind of annoys me to be there during regular business hours. I mean, it’s not like I want to go back to that (except for the money, I don’t) but I look at the people who are still working there and I wonder, “Why you? What makes it that you get to be here and collect a check and get benefits and I don’t?” I wasn’t’ there for long and it was just as well, really. Only saw one person who knew me, so it wasn’t too bad. Still, being there less & less is gonna suit me just fine, thanks.

 

When we get power back, I think I need to start sending out resumes again. Dunno why or what I’m looking for. It just feels like something I should be doing. That and applying to take some other civil service exams for state jobs. I type fast enough to take the Word Processing Specialist exam and some higher levels of Office Assistant. The starting pay for those jobs is comparable to what I was making before…just for typing. Not writing…just typing.

 

********

 

I dreamed about you again the other night. It is the month of your birthday, so it’s no big surprise. I saw you as you were at 15, as I most often do. Time had passed, but hadn’t changed you. You recognized me as you always do in these dreams.

 

So many things I’ve forgotten in my life, but I still remember you. I awake reluctantly from these dreams, trying to hold on for as long as I can. Trying to get a few more moments in…trying to turn back time and see you at 15 again for just a little while longer. But eventually, I wake up and we are both in our mid-40’s with the wreckage of life all around us…and we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in decades. You at 15 does not exist outside the confines of my head. And that makes me a little sad.

 

It was so long ago…the things that transpired between you and I. So long ago…but every once in a great while, my sleeping brain lets me think its still going on, and we are still young and invincible and together. It happened again a few nights ago, another of these dreams that remind me of you and then. Given the realities of me and now, you and then isn’t a bad place to be.