Wonderland

[shes2smart]

The Devil Made Me Do It....

 

....Everything's Alright With The Family (take 8.3): She said the kids were possessed and they died in their sleep. link removed

 

So...who's around you right now who is a few more shades of crazy than you think they are? Who are you encountering today who is capable of doing something that would grab headlines like this? Of all the people you see and/or interact with today, how many of them have lost their grip on reality? How many of them are so far out of touch with reality that they're capable of doing serious harm to you?

 

It's been quite the week for weird stuff like this. I mean, not only has there been the 4 sisters apparently killed by their mom...but we also had the girlfriend cooker(link removed)...and and the guy who thought he saw the mark of the beast on his hand, so he cut it off and cooked it (link removed).

 

Has this sorta bizarro crap been going on with this kind of frequency since the beginning of time? 30 or 40 or more years ago, there weren't all these 24/7 gobal news outlets. News traveled much more slowly...and some never made it out of the local area where it happened. So, the question is: was this stuff happening all along and we just weren't being made aware of it....or is this wackiness a new-ish (and disturbing) development in human behavior?

 

Today, I'm tending to think that it's been going on with this same kind of frequency (as a % of total population) since the beginning of time. I can't bring myself to believe that people in this time are really coming up with any sort of new and different behaviors. We're kinda predictable, really...and some of us are just whack-jobs. And some of the whack-jobs do alright passing for "normal" for a good, long while...and some of us may think there's something off, but we don't get involved for whatever reason...then, one day, the whack-job gets pushed over the edge and the next thing you know I'm posting links to CNN and being oddly fascinated and horrified.

[shes2smart]

I Don't Want To Hear It

 

I don't want to hear another person/article/news story about 5 or 6 small meals/snacks a day is the right/healthy/proper/only way to eat. If that works for you, great. I'm happy for ya. Knock yourself out. But don't even try to tell me how much "better" it would be for me to eat like that.

 

Do you have any idea what eating a little something every 2-3 hours throughout the day feels like to me? I'll tell you..IT FEELS LIKE A DAY LONG BINGE. It feels like I'm constantly cramming something in my mouth and it feels frantic and scary and so out of control because the eating never really stops.

 

As a recovered/recovering Compulsive Eater, I need to have the eating stop. I need for there to be a strong, physical indication that I need to eat (actual, physical hunger) and I need to be able to feel a very subtle physical cue that it's time to stop eating ("satisfied" or "full"...and "satisfied" very often happens before "full"). I have spent too much of the last 20 years tuning into these subtle physical cues and this 5 or 6 mini-meal style of eating just blows all that to hell for me.

 

It doesn't allow my body to register "hungry" and if there was no physical signal to start eating, there will be no corresponding physical signal to stop eating either. So, kindly drop that smug, superior attitude about your 5 or 6 mini-meal style of eating and telling me I'm doing it wrong.

[shes2smart]

Everything's Alright With The Family (take 9 & 10).....

 

Y'know...in the midst of last week's girlfriend cooker, the guy who cut off and cooked his own hand, and the mom who (allegedly) killed her 4 "demon-possesed" kids...it's somewhat easy to see how I missed The Guy Who Threw His Kids Off A Bridge: link removed

 

And while this thing with the missing pregnant Marine didn't happen last week, they did find her body last week: link removed

 

There were a lot of weird-gruesome things going on last week. What gives with that?

 

We were talking about some of these things, noting what an odd week it has been, and both my husband and I were wondering the same thing: What is it that pushes people over the edge so that killing a pregnant woman or your kids or cutting off your own hand or filleting your girlfriend starts to seem like a reasonable course of action? What snaps in someone's brain to push them into taking an action/actions like that?

 

I mean, God knows, all sorts of people have pissed me off from time to time...and while I may have entertained some fantasies of revenge or physical punishment in a fit of pique, I just couldn't see actually acting on it, y'know? Something must go horribly, horribly wrong in these people's minds to lead them to taking these actions. But what is that?

 

It's ocurred to me that this recent spate of weirdness started AFTER Britney Spears went crackers and had to be carted off for psychiatric evaluation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do think it's horrible the way the media hounds that poor girl. All that money and fame, and she can't buy a normal life. It's clear she needs help, and if she wasn't a celebrity, she probably wouldn't still be out galavanting around not being evaluated/treated. It must be tough to be seen/treated like just a commodity by those around you. And the vultures trying to profit off this girl's misery....*cough*drphil*cough*...that's even more pathetic.

 

All that being said, realize that it is with a smart-ass smirk and tongue firmly in cheek when I say: the obvious answer to all the weirdness in last week's news is....Blame Britney.

[shes2smart]

Yeah....I Remember Why I Didn't Like That Job

 

It's Vacation Season in Radioland because we are outside of the big & important Fall & Spring ratings periods. Because of that, I'm in charge of not one, but two, stations this week. I am being reminded in vivid detail why I never want to be a Program Director again...and it's only Tuesday.

 

So, I got information on my new vision insurance and got an appointment with an in-network eye doc to get an exam and replace contact lenses next week. Getting an appointment with a potential new primary care doc has been more problematic. If I hear one more, "We're not accepting new patients." and "No, I'm sorry, I can't recommend another doctor," I am going to go postal.

 

I have a list of names and phone numbers of doctors within a 10 mile radius of my house. If one of these doesn't pan out, be prepared for some lengthy rant here. I mean, I'm in high tide for being irritated right now anyway what with the bloaty, crampy stuff gearing up again. Between this and the stupidity I have had to deal with at work, I'm inching ever closer to that edge.

 

Ah, but 5 weeks from now, I will be the one on vacation......

[shes2smart]

That Took Entirely Too Much Time And Effort

 

Call to doctor's office #1 (doc recommended by staff at my gyno's office): Not accepting new patients. Can't recommend another doc.

 

So, after that, I am reduced to calling docs I have found on the insurance company's website after doing a search for General Practice/Family Doctors within 10 miles of my address.

 

Call to doctor's office #2 (which is also doc #3, as they have a practice together): Yes, they're accepting new patients, but....they are moving to at the end of the week.

 

Call to doctor's office #4: Number is disconnected. No futher information available.

 

I refuse to take "the number has been disconnected" as an answer and go to look up the doc by name in the online yellow pages. I find her name and a different number at an office address near my house, so I call that number.

 

I get an automated answering system informing me that I've reached the office of Drs....and it lists off 6 or 8 names. None of which is the doctor whose name I looked up. At this point, I'm so fed up, I don't really care. I talk to the front desk person. Seems the doc whose name I looked up left that practice 2 years ago. So much for having updated, accurate information on the insurance company's website. I somehow expected better from the online yellow pages, though.

 

Anyway, 3 of the docs in this practice are accepting new patients AND they're part of the network of docs covered by my insurance. Fine. Gimme an appointment the week I'm on vacation. I don't care what doc it's with. As long as his/her medical degree didn't come out of a Cracker Jack box, we're good.

 

Am I wrong in thinking it should't be that difficult to get a doctor's appointment?! Jeez. I keep telling myself, it's all for a reason...and all these roadblocks are there so I will go where I'm supposed to go. Even so, it's so frustrating that it's comical.

 

Esmeralda & Grizelda got on the inner & outer thigh/hip machines BEFORE I even got off the elliptical this morning. They were just switching places on the two machines when I was mid-way through my yoga series I do to cool down. I give up. I will figure out some other machine or exercise or something for my hip adductors and abductors, because I am tired of this BS with the two of them.

 

One of my regular listeners works at a gym facility (not the one I go to), and I was telling him about E&G and how they were driving me bananas. And he said he sees that where he works, too. Then he said, "I know exactly what goes on the rest of the day, too. They will go to work and throughout the day, they will mention they're "tired" or "sore" because they 'worked out so hard' this morning. And the next time they have a check up with their doc, their doc will mention their weight or blood pressure, or something is up a little, and they'll say, 'but I don't understand! I go to the gym 3 times a week for an hour and half!' Never mind they were working out for 15 minutes and socializing for the other hour and 15. Yup. I've got a few clients like that where I work," and he laughed.

 

So, I give up. They can have those machines. The Guy Who Works At Another Gym gave me a few suggestions for other machines that will work the same muscles, and I'm gonna go look up stuff at link removed, too.

[shes2smart]

Not The Brightest Crayon In The Box, Are We...?

 

link removed

 

Perhaps he was planning on using the stolen money to pay for firearms training?

[shes2smart]

I Just Had To Let It Go....

 

 

 

That pretty much sums up the mindset I find myself in today. Other people may wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing (or more accurately NOT doing), but I'm good where I am, thanks.

 

Yesterday was another day that reminded me why I never want to be a PD again. One of the stations I'm watching in other people's abscence (not the one I'm on) was doing some screwy things yesterday. It's mostly satellite/syndicated programming, so it's a lot of computer programming & commands to keep things going. Well, turns out some of the commands weren't written properly, but it's gone unnoticed for months because there haven't been any local commercials that needed to be played.

 

Well, it took a couple hours, but the engineer and I managed to find and fix the problem (and a few others that cropped up along the way). Figuring out what was wrong and coming up with a workable solution was gratifying. The engineer was complimentary. But really, beyond us, no one's really ever gonna know what I did, y'know? If other people weren't on vacation, it wouldn't have been my problem at all. The thing is (as the engineer told me, confirming my suspicions) it was a good thing this happened while I was here, because I diagnosed & fixed it faster and with less sputtering and fuming than the vacationer would have. There are people in this world who simply cannot admit they don't know something. When coupled with the personality traits of "needing to be right" and "thinks they know more than they actually do," there's a lot of sputtering and fuming that goes on...while very little work gets done.

 

It's only temporary. They're back next week, and if other people notice problems aren't solved as quickly and easily and pleasantly as they were this week....well, then, I leave it to people to draw their own conclusions.....

[shes2smart]

4 Weeks And Counting

 

4 weeks from today, I will be on vacation. Actually, it'll start on Friday the 15th, so it's really 3 weeks and a few days til vacation starts. Bottom line, 4 weeks from today, I won't be at work. We don't have any plans to go anywhere. That's been the case since we bought the house, though. Travel's taken a back seat to house stuff. I knew going into it that would be the case, though. I suppose at some point, we will come up with some destination we really want to go to and we'll figure out how to make that happen, but for now, hanging out at home and not going to work is good enough.

 

My husband scheduled car maintenance stuff for today, so that made my Monday morning gym trip problematic. Can't be two places at once and still make it to work on time, and Monday night is yoga. So, I went to the gym for cardio & weights yesterday instead. (Bonus: No Griselda, Esmeralda, Priscilla OR Drucilla to be seen) He went with me. He weighed himself and he is not happy. He was also not happy with how he was feeling when he was doing a much-reduced-from-the-last-time-he-was-there cardio workout, either. I say nothing. Of all people, I should know that you cannot guilt, badger, shame, nag or otherwise try to coerce/convince someone that they really need to be physically active more than once every few months. He has to make that decision for himself. But he's still of that mindset that he doesn't want to get up early and go....or go after work....or go on his days off....or go by himself. Nope, that's a decision he needs to make for himself...and I'm stayin' out of it. Like I've said before, I have my hands full managing that for myself, let alone another person.

 

I don't know how my cats time it to be running low on kitty litter and cat food at the same time, but they do. So we did groceries for the kitties and for the people yesterday. Even bought them some canned food to have over the next few weeks. This stuff is so IMPORTANT to my gray & white cat, that he recognizes the sound of the cans bumping into each other in the plastic bag from the store. He came running over to inspect the bags as soon as he heard that sound. It was kinda funny watching him stick his head into the grocery bags, looking for the cans of cat food.

 

Saturday, I cleaned off the blades of the ceiling fan. They were fuzzy. Fuzzy. It was kinda icky, but nothing some papertowels and a liberal spraying of glass cleaner didn't fix.

 

We're having a few people over for brunch in a couple weeks. A couple of my co-workers (and their SO's) who all play Warcrack. Yes, we're purposely having a gathering consisting of people who all play WoW. I suspect this is some sort of new low, but I'm not sure how or why. It had to be Sunday brunch because that was the only time that didn't conflict with anyone's work or Warcrack raiding schedule. What the heck...it gives me an excuse to make cinnamon rolls and not have the entire batch in the house.

 

Think that's about it for now....

[shes2smart]

Has Beens, Wannabes, Never Weres, and the Ones Left Behind

 

As I've mentioned here before, this is a weird business.

 

One of the points of weirdness is that small (but very vocal) group of people who are industry groupies....but they're not in the industry. They follow it almost like a hobby. They sit on the sidelines and pontificate about what's wrong with the way this person or that person does their show or programs a station, yet they've never done any of those jobs themselves....OR they had a part-time gig at some 3kw daytimer 20 years ago for a summer.

 

Then there are the people I've worked with who had the huge egos and who were a Big Deal at some point in the past. But those days are gone...and they're either on the beach looking for a gig or they're playing Big Fish, Small Pond and desperately trying to get back to a bigger pond. The world has moved on, but still, they're stuck in the glory days of their career...10 or 20 or more years ago.

 

Then there are the people who knew a lot about the business at one point...but then the technology changed...and you had to know more about computers than "the music scheduling program is on that one." They may still have the art, but without the science, they're more than a little bit lost.

 

Then there's me. Sort of quietly plugging away at it for the last 2+ decades. Managing to stay continously employed. Doing well, but still keeping a low profile and being a low-maintenance employee. Doing some things "wrong" according to the big egos and consultants, but still managing to get decent ratings and keep the place running anyway. But the part that has really put me into a different group? The computer part. Now, all of a sudden, the fact that I can relate to computers and get them to do what I want separates me from many of my co-workers. But I do have to say it's very awkward when your level of understanding and comfort and confidence with computers surpasses that of the person who's supposed to know more than you do.

 

It's even more awkward when your co-workers notice it, too. Actually, they've noticed it for quite some time. In fact, you're the last one to realize that you're more computer savvy than the person who's supposed to know more. Now that's awkward. And frustrating. It's hard enough when the student surpasses the teacher. Harder yet when the teacher doesn't want to admit it.

[shes2smart]

Is This Really The Right Time For That?

 

Witnessed this morning: Guy using pec fly machine. One rep. Two rep. Gets up, reaches into gym bag, sits back down on pec machine and proceeds to make an outgoing call on his cell phone. Talks on the phone for a minute or two. Puts phone down. One rep. Two rep. Three rep. Stop. Picks up phone....and makes another call!

 

Gawd. What's wrong with people? I couldn't look anymore after that. Too, too annoying. Really, if it's that important maybe you should go to the lobby or your car and make your calls and work out later. Between this guy and E&G, I have had it. I have sent a written complaint to the facility manager about this crap. Last I knew, cell phones were (supposedly) prohibited on the work out floor anyway. They have all these notices up about "please limit your time on the cardio machines to 30 minutes if others are waiting" and so forth, but these folks obviously have reading/comprehension problems or they think that doesn't apply to THEM.

 

The guy I know who works at another gym says his employer has a person whose entire job is to monitor what's happening on the floor -- make sure people are using the machines properly and not hurting themselves or the equipment, make sure people aren't monopolizing pieces of equipment and so forth. What a novel concept that is. On one hand, we're adults. I would think we're beyond needing a playground monitor to make us follow the rules and remind us to be polite and respectful of others. However, it's clear that some people either aren't aware of the rules or don't think the rules apply to THEM for some weird reason.

 

Realistically, I don't expect anything to come from the complaint. I'll be surprised if I get a reply that's something more than some canned "we value our clients" pre-written piece of crap. Who knows? Maybe I will be surprised....but I am not holding my breath. I'm expecting more of the same shenanigans at my next visit and at every visit until the end of time. Is it counted as "work out time" just because you're sitting on a piece of equipment when you talk on your cell phone? Please explain to me how that works, exactly. I really don't understand. What good has it done for me to overcome my various internal barriers to regularly working out and being physically active when I now run into these highly annoying external barriers? That's it, isn't? That's the Big Cosmic Joke in this scenario. Overcome all the internal stuff and now have to navigate around the external barriers. Very funny.

 

Whew. I feel better now. Sorta.

[shes2smart]

Dumbest Place To Notice Weight Loss

 

Ok, so I'm down a few more pounds. Other people notice weight loss different ways...the waistband on their clothing is looser, their face looks thinner. Me? My toe rings are loose. Toe rings. I've lost weight in my damn toes. These aren't the adjustable Claire's jewelry kind of toe rings. They're a solid circle, sterling silver, sized rings and need to be fitted by the person who makes them. They're designed so they do not slide on & off easily if fitted properly.

 

Mine slide off without the help of lotion anymore. I noticed when they started slipping when I was doing Downward Facing Dog pose at yoga. My husband (who is the sole reason I am wearing something as frivolous as toe rings) confirmed it when he was giving me a foot rub the other night. "Are we going to have to take you back to and get a smaller size?" he said.

[shes2smart]

The January People

 

That's what I call the sudden influx of people I see at the gym this time of year. They start popping up around Christmas and New Year. There are also January People crowding my yoga classes, but they don't bother me because they don't get in my way. I bring my own yoga mat to classes, so it's not like I have to fight them for a mat or anything. Most of them will be gone from both the gym and yoga classes by March at the latest. Most likely because they weren't really ready to make a lasting, permanent change in their lifestyle habits. "Regular workouts" or "yoga" sounded like a good idea, and something they should do...but the belief and conviction wasn't there. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

 

This morning, there were no barriers to my using the weight machines I wanted to use. No E&G, no guy on a cell phone, none of the other crap. I was trying to remember if I'd ever seen E&G at the gym before Christmas, and I don't think I did. Seems like they've only been around and getting in my way this month. What are the odds that E&G are January People? Could I be that lucky? That they're just 2 more January People and they're going to just fade away on their own very soon? I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

 

Weighed myself this morning. Down another pound. That makes 20 pounds less than when we first moved here (nearly 4 years ago). 2 pounds less than my pre-marriage weight. Less than my put-on-anti-depressants weight. Without the focus being weight loss. Maybe that's been part of the solution all along. Take care of the other stuff and the weight takes care of itself. I still think that time of enforced inactivity after the appendectomy was responsible for a huge leap forward in my working through this pile of issues, though. Out of something most people would see as a big, negative crisis, I managed to sail through it with a transformation and resolution of long-standing issues.

 

Started working on our tax return. I have most of the stuff I need. Still waiting on one of his W2s and mine. Other than that, I think I have everything else. There's no weirdness this year...no freelance income, no horse-racing money, no I-took-out-retirement-money-to-make-a-downpayment-on-a-house money. And, surprisingly enough, in spite of uncovered medical expenses over $6,000 and home mortgage interest/taxes, it's looking like it'll still be more advantageous for us to take the standard deduction than to itemize. Weird, huh? Wonder if it might be better to file separately so I can take the deductions for the home mortgage and the medical expenses. That's something I should probably check.

[shes2smart]

You Want Me To Do WHAT?

 

...or Things That Would Only Happen In Radio.

 

In the very near future, yours truly will be doing shows on not one but two stations in the same market at the same time. One will be pre-recorded and one will be live. We can thank budget cuts for this malarky. And since we can thank budget cuts, that negates any extra money for doing the other station. At least for now. I was promised something "down the road." I am not holding my breath.

 

And while I was "asked" to do this, the bottom line was the "asking" was a formality. The real choice was either do this....or we may have to find someone else who will.

 

One one hand, it's not that big a deal. At my former employer, I used to voicetrack 2 out-of-market stations in addition to being live on my local station. 3 shows a day Monday through Friday and 2 weekend shows every week whether I wanted to or not. The only difference here is that both stations I will be on are in the same city and they're completely different formats. One of which I know NOTHING about. Yikes-o-rama.

 

Now, I suppose I could get all pissed off and upset about this...and there's some part of me that wants to. Really. A lot. But the stronger, saner, healthier part is telling me this isn't worth that kind of time and energy. It's not worth the time to b**** about it and it's not worth putting myself into a bad mood over it, either. It is what it is. I don't know that there are many (if any) people I work with who could do what they are asking me to do. Because the fact of the matter is, I know damn well I can do both of these stations and make both shows sound good. While I'm not familiar with the music on the one, I've done a similar type of delivery before for another format. Instead of saying "Michael Bolton" a lot, I'll be saying "Kenny G" a lot...big woo. As I observed back at my former employer, there are people who do what I do who are not capable of doing shows on multiple stations.

 

I know I can. And, after a few weeks to acclimate to the new stuff, I will bet you that I'll still have time to fart around on here while I'm "working."

 

I told my boss and my boss' boss in no uncertain terms that I would not be revisiting The Crash of 2003. To make this point, I treated them to a rather graphic description of where I ended up after a year of handling an air shift, PD, MD, Promotions, etc. etc. etc. at my last job. My boss already knew the story. I don't think his boss did. I then said, "I will not go there again, and I will not do stuff that is likely to send me there again." They agreed (in theory), but I don't trust anyone but me to make sure that doesn't happen.

 

Oddly enough, I was getting that psychic twinkle last week that there was something coming down the pike with that other station. I just didn't know what or how it was going to pan out or what it looked like.

 

Now I do. What I don't know is how much I like it.

[shes2smart]

It's Only 10% Them, But 90% Me

 

 

 

Over the weekend, I made what I believe will be a crucial decision about this 2 shows at once thing. It was this: I have decided not to complain. It is what it is. It's not going to go away. B******g my head off will not change it, or make it any easier or more pleasant for anyone around me or (most importantly) for me. So, in the interest of not making myself or my working hours miserable, I will play the hand I have been dealt as best as I can.

 

It was also pointed out to me by that voice of logic & reason in my head that I have been a little...well...bored doing what I do for quite some time. I mean, c'mon...I spent much of my "work" time here farting around because doing this job is so second nature to me anymore I could do it in my sleep. I knew this "doing an air shift and production" kind of gig is 1. something that's becoming a rarity 2. a bit of a luxury and 3. a good place for me to rest and heal up after The Great Crash of 2003. So, looked at in some ways, what they've asked me to do could be seen as an idication that I'm stronger, healthier, better and whole-r (in both mental and physical senses) than when I first dragged my sorry ass into this building (almost) 4 years ago.

 

I have opted to look at it as a challenge to be met or a puzzle to be solved rather than focus on the financial aspects of it or any of the other downer crap. Much like with my cranky gallstones, I have made it into a game. Ultimately, that's the approach and attitude that works for me and keeps my life a reaonsably pleasant place to be.

 

In some respects, it was also the attitude and approach that brought about The Great Crash of 2003, too. They kept throwing additional work at me, and I would keep trying to find ways to make it work. It never occurred to me to draw a line at some point and flat out refuse to do anymore. I think I have learned from that. Before, I couldn't really see myself saying what I said in that meeting Friday -- about how I WILL NOT be doing anything I believe will lead to something resembling The Great Crash of 2003 -- now, I can't imagine NOT saying it (graphic description and all).

 

At some point, I remember reading a bit about the difference between a horse and a mule. The author claimed that a horse would allow itself to be worked to death, but at some point, when a mule decided it had enough, it would stop and refuse to work anymore.

 

To that I say Hee-f'n-Haw.

[shes2smart]

I'm Going To Be A Mule

 

...and here's why: (from link removed)

[shes2smart]

More About Mules

 

The mule thing is sounding better & better. It's official. I have adopted a new animal totem. From link removed:

 

Mules are not really stubborn. They can seem lazy because they will not put themselves in danger. A horse can be worked until it drops, but not so with a mule. The "stubborn" streak is just the mule's way of telling humans that things are not right. Mules are very intelligent and it is not a good idea to abuse a mule. They will do their best for their owner, with the utmost patience.

[shes2smart]

Even More Mule-ishness

 

Additional reasons to (symbolically) adopt a mule: (from link removed)

 

Mule Facts

· Stubborn as a mule?

 

Far from that! Instead mules have a strong sense of self-preservation. They will only appear “stubborn” if they are overheated, overworked or overused for any reason. As a result, they will either slow down to a safe pace or stop completely, and I mean completely.

 

· Eat like a horse!

 

The saying may be true for a horse. Horses have an unlimited appetite but a mule eats only what it needs. They rarely overeat and thereforeeee have fewer feeding problems than horses do.

 

And here's a little story (with a few pics) of a riding mule that KILLED a mountain lion after the horses and dogs scattered and the humans' aim wasn't so good: link removed (scroll down a bit)

 

These pics came from a guy in NM. Yes, the mule killed the mountain lion. The lion had been stalking them for the better part of the morning, on the way out to a hunt. They were pretty sure it was after one of the dogs. The cat ambushed them, and the mule pictured tossed its rider and went into attack (defense) mode, the horses scattered and shots were fired but no one was sure if they hit the cat or not. Unfortunately, it wasn't until it was almost over that one of the guys started snapping pics. The mule finally stomped the cougar to death after biting and throwing it around like a rag doll.

 

I'm going to find a picture of a mule, print it out, and hang it up in one (if not both) studios. Just to be a little reminder. I don't expect this to make much sense to anyone else, but it doesn't have to. With the exception of 2 part-timers, I'll be the only one using the one studio and my co-horts in the other studio won't care.

 

For some reason, I really like the mountain lion story. Kinda like, there's all you other beings around, but I will take care of this. You may look at me and not think I can, but I will kick the crap out of the mountain lion.

[shes2smart]

Screw Positive Thinking

 

Today...well, since sometime yesterday afternoon really...all that "putting a positive spin" on the impending job changes started wearing thin. My focus changed to some other previously-unthought-of aspects and that part of me that's not happy about this has taken over. From previous experience, I know that I need to acknowledge that part is there and I need to let it speak its piece....just not at work.

 

The days I go to the gym before work, I am usually wide-awake and in a pretty good mood for the rest of the day. I feel like I've accomplished a lot and my energy level is pretty high through the day. For some reason, this is not the case today. Went and worked out this morning and all it did was make me physically tired and sleepy. I don't know why. I mean, I slept alright last night in terms of both quality and quantity of sleep. Can't figure out what's going on with that, but it certainly isn't helping my attitude toward the work situation right now.

 

Last night, I started thinking/wondering why is it I get asked to do this stupid crap? I mean, it happened at my last job, too. "Here, here's a bunch of extra work we want you to do but we can't pay you any more now." In the meantime, there are other people who are still getting all sorts of perks/benefits. Do they ask other people to do that kind of stuff? If they do, do those other people just flat out refuse? I realize this is the $3 wordy way of whining, "Why meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?" so no one needs to point that out.

 

Maybe I need to have a little pity party here before I can let it go. I mean seriously -- I don't see morning show people, f'rinstance, getting asked to do this kinda stuff. As word has made its way through the staff, no fewer than 2 people have told me that they were interested and, in fact, offered to do the show on the other station, but were turned down. So, what's the truth of that? That someone thought I'd be better at it than them or that they wouldn't do it for no extra money? If it's a "you'd be better at it" or "we think you can handle it" kind of thing, then why do you crap on the person who is (allegedly) more capable/talented?

 

Right now, it's just really hard for me to see this as some sort of compliment/reward for doing a good job. It'd be easier to see it that way if there was, say, some actual monetary compensation, y'know? It'd seem more like a promotion than being dumped on...which is what it started feeling like yesterday...and still does now. It feels like I'm being dumped on. So in the "I'm extracting petty revenge and acting like a 2 year old having a tantrum" mode, I'm not exactly putting much effort into the show today. Not that anyone listening would really notice. My husband would. Maybe people who really knew me would be able to tell. But the average listener? Nah. They wouldn't be able to tell.

 

I'll try not to go to the extreme of taking a nap on the couch in the studio during the long music sweep, though. Gotta have some standards. But don't be surprised if I spend most of the day playing Bookworm at Yahoo or Freecell.....

[shes2smart]

Well....At Least It's Closer To The Bathroom....

 

The other station's studio, that is. I'm trying. If proximity to a toilet is the only good thing I can think of at the moment, I'm taking it.

 

My mid-section is feeling a little weird today. I can't tell if it's cranky gallstones or if it's because I upped the weight on the ab machine at the gym yesterday. It's all the same area more or less...and it's not "pain" so much "as something feels different." I'm really tired/sleepy again today.

 

Got to work and crashed on the studio couch during the last 45 minutes of the morning show's shift. I love that this studio is tucked away in a far back corner of the building and no one ever comes back here unless they have some reason to do so. The other station's studio is down the hall, but it's much smaller and not nearly as nice. That's one of the things that really started to bother me about the upcoming changes. I am going to go from working mostly in what can only be described as palatial digs to working in a glorified closet. At one point we even had a slot machine in here, but it went away over a year ago. It's kinda stupid...they spent all this money to build this really great studio...and now it's going to end up sitting empty more often than not.

 

Why I expect anything in this business to make sense anymore is beyond me. I should really know better. We're dying. Plain and simple. We have not adapted, so we are dying. I can't figure out if it's stupidity or stubbornness or lack of ideas on what else I might do that keeps me here. Maybe its a bit of all 3.

 

I've also come to the conclusion that the free-floating negativity I've had since Tuesday afternoon isn't 100% about what's happening in the here & now. There's old crap from my former situation being dredged up, to be sure. Mainly that, "Oh. My. God. They're expecting me to make this work, and when I do, they'll expect MORE." sinking feeling.

 

Last night I had a dream. I was working and my boss from the late 80's/early 90's came to see me. I have written about him here before...the guy was boss/mentor/coach/father figure all in one, and I worked with him/for him for over a decade. Anyway, he came in and he said they had brought him in to work with me for a short time...until things were up and running. And in the dream, I couldn't stop looking at him...it was all I wanted to do was sit and stare or follow him around like a puppy dog. And it made me happy...just to be around him and working with him again like that...even if it was only temporary and imaginary.

 

If he had still been at that company, I never would've had The Great Crash of 2003. He would not have allowed that to happen. He knew (for lack of a better description) how to handle me. He knew that ability I have to take on more and more and make the impossible workable needed someone to guard and guide it and make sure it didn't get abused. He left that company 7 years before the Crash, and as I look back now, I can see where the "heap extra work on her because...." BS started in the wake of his departure.

 

We had been bought out by another company. When the new owners/management were done with my beloved boss/mentor/coach (after that first year or so), they fired him. So, at first, it was trying to prove myself to the new owners/management so I could keep my job. Then it was just taken for granted/expected. It was always made clear to me that the new management guy who did the hiring for my type of work NEVER would've hired me on his own. I was an inheirited employe and they couldn't come up with any good, clear, justifiable reasons to fire me, so I got to stay. But the whole time, I was (as they say) the red-headed stepchild...second class citizen...and treated as such.

 

I thought (perhaps somewhat stupidly thought) that I would be able to eventually prove myself to those people and be treated as well as the employees they had chosen to work there. I thought having additional work was a sign of trust or compliment or recognition that I was good/talented at what I did or promotion. But it was the along the same lines as "We can't pay you more...how about we give you a title instead?" Which roughly translates to, "We have some crap we want done, but we don't want to pay anyone to do it, so maybe if we give you a title, we can get you to do it and not pay you and make you think you're getting a promotion to boot." Even after more than 4 years of solid ratings (#1 in my daypart for my station's target demo), I was still the red headed step-child.

 

But, still, I held out some hope that someday... I guess I had to hang onto that because otherwise I'd have to start thinking about changing jobs which would mean moving out of that market...if I wanted to stay in the business. I wasn't ready to do that then. So, I found ways to make it mostly ok for me to stay there. I got involved with the racetrack and started to see there was a working world outside of the one I'd known for my entire adult life.

 

Maybe it's time for me to email or call my former boss/mentor/coach/etc. I haven't talked to him in a while. Maybe I need to.

[shes2smart]

...Cause There's Bugger All Down Here On Earth

[shes2smart]

Party Time

 

Having other Warcrack players over for brunch tomorrow, so today is cleaning day. Not much I can do in the way of advance food prep. It's the first time I'm doing a party that's breakfast-type food, and much of that stuff can't be prepped in advance.

 

Menu:

 

Cinnamon Rolls (made from scratch, so I'll be doing those tomorrow morning)

Spinach & Feta quiche

Ham, Potato & Cheddar quiche

Bacon & Sausage

Bagels & Toasted English Muffins w/cream cheese, butter, honey & jam

Mixed Berries (strawberries, blackberries & raspberries) & Grapes

Coffee, Tea, Apple & Orange Juice, Milk, Water

 

That oughta clog a few arteries.....

 

Things I really like about modern life:

 

Dishwasher (with delayed start, even)

Self-Cleaning Oven

 

Both are running right now, so I can justify dinking around online because (technically) I'm cleaning the oven and doing dishes.

[shes2smart]

First Day

 

First Day doing the two-station shuffle and I'm writing and posting here. What does that tell you?

 

Harumph.

[shes2smart]

They Wind Up Wounded...And Not Even Dead

 

I realize it's only day 3 of the Two-Station Shuffle. I realize one of the stations had a full show remote that had me out of the building all day yesterday. I realize I'm a week to 10 days out from my period and I'm highly irritable/hormonal. I realize all of that. In this moment, at this time, however, I am HATING this. No..."hate" is not a strong enough word to describe what I am feeling right now.

 

When I got to work this morning, I was seriously considering emptying out my locker and just turning around and going home. Thought about it real, real hard. I realized something while I was at the gym this morning: This feels like some sort of punishment. It doesn't feel like a promotion or vote of confidence in my abilities...it feels like punishment and the sort of thing you do to someone that you want rid of, but don't want to fire. It's the sort of thing you do to someone in hopes they'll quit and save you the trouble of firing them.

 

No matter how I've tried to put a positive spin on it -- to focus on things like "it's a new challenge" and "this makes me that much more difficult to replace" and so forth, the bottom line is I don't like it. It feels too much like what I came here to escape. I don't like it because I'm the only one being asked to do something even remotely like this. I feel like I'm being singled out as the red-headed stepchild/second class citizen just like in my old job...and we all know how STELLARLY that ended up.

 

Yesterday, I came home from work, deflected a bunch of questions from my husband, picked up my cat and sat with the kitty and just cried. This is the cat who stayed by my side constantly in the days after The Great Crash of 2003. He hovered the rest of the night. The other cat didn't interfere with him. (She kinda likes to monopolize "being with the people" and will sometimes chase him away.)

 

Right now, I'm thinking that just because a person CAN do something, and is perfectly capable of doing something, it doesn't mean that they should do that or that doing that is going to be good for them in the larger picture. How much of an adjustment period do they get before I delcare this is not working and it either changes or I have to go? I think that's something I need to figure out.

[shes2smart]

Is It Now Or Then?

 

Is it what's going on here and now that's really bothering me...or am I having previous-employer flashbacks?

 

I let my boss know in no uncertain terms how much I thought this new arrangement of things was, as we say in WoW, "the suck." I also told him the only thing preventing me from emptying my locker and going home this morning was my mortgage. There will be no "putting on a brave face" and "suffering in silence" this time. If I'm gonna crack again, it will be no surprise and they will not be able to say things like, "she never asked for help" or "I had no idea what was going on."

 

Later in the day, I was talking to a guy who used to work at my former employer (same company, different locations). He is relatively new here, so I haven't talked to him a whole lot. He said it's probably flashbacks from the old place and that it happens. He said that my boss has my back and so does he (he is also in management, but not in a department I work for directly) and what happened before won't be allowed to happen here. My husband said last night that if it gets anywhere near as bad as it did where I used to work that he would insist I quit and he'd go get a second job.

 

On the one hand it's all well and good that there's this sort of free-floating support around me. But on the other hand...it's all just words and it doesn't ease up the workload or change anything I'm doing on a day to day basis. It's really kinda worthless, y'know? Much like all those vague offers to help after the leg incident earlier this year...or other times I have been ill/injured. Although, I do have to admit that my husband has generally followed through with the actions required to help and not just spouted off a lot of flowery words.

 

I'm starting to think that work is nothing more than putting up with a certain amount of disrespect in exchange for money...no matter what industry, what job, where you are...that's what it often comes down to. Someone else I talked to today (someone who's worked here a looooong time) let slide that the Big Boss really has very little understanding of/respect for those of us who are in the creative end of the business. That would explain a lot of things. Then again, I've run accross very few Radio GMs who weren't primarily sales/money guys who didn't get the creative end of things. Some don't get it, but they respect what we do because they realize if we're treated well and given a good environment in which to do our jobs, they'll have something to sell. Blessed as I am to have landed here, I'm apparently not blessed enough to have one of those, "I don't get it, but I respect it" types in the corner office.

 

Looked at a couple job websites. Debated on blindly sending out resumes for any non-radio job that I am remotely qualified for. What could it hurt, really? Seems to me the longer you stay at a place the less they respect you and the more they start to take you for granted. I've been here for almost 4 years. Maybe it's time to take my toys and go elsewhere.

[shes2smart]

Channeling The Mule

 

Huh. Apparently having a vocal and visible mini-meltdown at work yesterday made an impression. I still don't much like it, but some of the most annoying issues are being dealt with or have been dealt with. I think it also helped that I was looking at some employment sites and reminding myself there are other options for income. I'm not trapped here by any stretch of the imagination, if it should come down to that.

 

I think I'm not going to be a fan of this until and unless there's some reasonable compensation for the additional work. That seems logical to me. I stopped doing this for free and "just for fun" when I left college radio. It may look to the outside observer as if this is an easy job, but I've seen enough people try to do it and fail to know that's not the case. It looks easy because I've been doing it for a long time and have some level of skill/talent...but that doesn't mean you can stick some college kid in here, pay them minimum wage and get the same level of performance.

 

I was thinking about it some last night. Is there really any business anymore that hasn't been wrecked to some extent by being taken over and run by some large corporate entity? Whatever the industry, it stops being about what it was originally about and becomes completely focused on making money NOW and the bottom line. How few people do we really need to run a radio station? We'll get satellite programming so we don't have to waste money on a local airstaff. We'll hire part-timers and interns to handle commercial production and promotions. And then we'll wonder why the station sounds like crap and has no ratings and we can't sell it. AH! I know! It's those darn part-timers in the production department! Fire them, keep the interns...we can pay them less. (But God forbid we even look at what we're paying the corporate executives....) It's an exaggeration, but not by much.

 

I find that with this work crap, I am far too irritated to spend much time here reading about other people's problems, let alone posting any advice. In the past 24 hours I have seen a few posts to which my only reply would've been, "Oh, really? Good luck creating a healthy relationship with that attitude/those beliefs. You'll need it." Or perhaps a chorus or two of, "Wow. You know, you've really brought this on yourself. Wake up and smell the coffee, as the old folks say."

 

No, I'm not a terribly sympathetic/empathetic person. Never have been and never claimed to be. However, I do know when I should really muzzle myself. And now would be one of those times.