Doubts about 10.5 gap relationship

[dawn515]

I've been with my boyfriend almost four months. We had a lot of chemistry from the beginning, with a lot of the same tastes in film, art, music, and literature. We can have intellectual discussions for hours…

 

The biggest problem we have is the age difference. I am 34 and he is about to turn 24 in a few weeks. Truth be told, when I met him, I thought he was a few years older, and he thought I was a few years younger. It wasn't until after I consented to the date that someone told me he was 23. I agonized a lot about whether I should go out on the date, but everyone told me to go, have fun, etc. A few weeks later, I told him how old I was. He actually seemed flattered that I liked him and said the age difference makes no difference to him.

 

But now that the relationship has turned serious (much to my surprise), those same people who were for me going out with him have started to warn me. Again and again it's the age difference. My bf tells me that most of the time he forgets about it until I somehow bring it up, but that it doesn't matter. He's in love with me. Et cetera.

 

I think it helps that we're both in the same stage of life. I quit my old life and moved to go back to school, so we are both students, both poor and struggling in the Big City. But I've always remained uneasy about the age difference.

 

Recently my older brother came to visit me. He's 8.5 years older than I and has never been married. He hung out a lot with my bf and me, and later, when we were alone, I asked him what he thought. He said that my bf is a nice guy and probably fun "for now," but that he wasn't long-term material because of the age difference. He said I should see other people. I said I would have to break up with my bf because he would never allow me to see other people.

 

Then he said, "What am I now? 42? I wouldn't be attracted to a 52-year-old woman."

 

First, I find that a bit offensive. I think there are plenty of women who are attractive after the age of 50. Second, if I'm looking for a life partner, we need a stronger bond than just the physical because OF COURSE we are going to grow old and not so attractive. I thought that was the whole point of marriage – finding someone that will stick with you to the end, despite an aging body.

 

But, still, his comment stuck with me. I can't help thinking, can I really be with a man more than ten years my junior? Will he still want to be with me in ten years when I am 44 and he is 34? Are most men's thinking as shallow as my brother's?

 

I struggle with the age difference a lot, and my brother didn't help matters. What do you guys think? Should I stay with the younger man I love? Or should I break it off to pursue someone more "age appropriate"?

 

Thanks in advance.

[shes2smart]

What's important is the relationship between you and your guy. Other people are going to have opinions, but they don't know the future and they don't have to live your life.

 

When I was 37, I met a guy 11 years younger than me. At first I thought he was too young and lived too far away to even consider going out with. But he was very persistent...and unlike what I assumed a 26 year old male would be like. Turns out that particular 26 year old was the perfect match for me. We had very similar relationship goals (which, IMO, is the real key for a successful relationship....all the rest is details), similar senses of humor, a few shared interests, and a very similar way of thinking. He proposed a week after our first date and we got married a few weeks after my 38th birthday and a few weeks before he turned 27.

 

We've been married for 4 years now. Best decision either of us has ever made.

[nottoogreen]

If he would be 45 and you 55, I'd say don't worry, but at 2x, it depends. Well, it always depends. How do you know what's in 10 or 20 years anyway?

 

So, the best I can tell you is don't think and dont worry about it.

 

Look after your relationship, keep fit and healthy (he too of course).

[dpressedone89]

the point is your both adults. age is just a number if you like each other nothing else matters

[hosswhispra]

I really don't think you should worry about this, Dawn. You're both adults and you're both apparently in love. 34 and 24 is not a big difference. If you're happy then remain happy. I actually date younger men myself and I look younger than my age.

 

You're brother has his own opinions--and that is all they are. Don't let them get to you.

 

PS-- shes2smart's relationship with her husband is an inspiration to me!

[annie24]

yeah, don't listen to what others say. I agree with S2S that it is about similar relationship goals.

 

If he were getting high with his frat buddies every night, while you are serious about getting your life together, then that would be a conflict. but if you two are on the same page, then I think it all sounds fine!

 

maybe some of these nay-sayers are remembering what party animals they were when they were 23 and they are projecting that image on your boyfriend?

 

Or maybe some are just jealous that you got this hot younger man?

 

And yes, there are plenty of men who are into older women. Old does not mean decrepit! Some women just get better with age!

 

good luck!

[monkey1]

Yeah, I agree with everyone else. My boyfriend's 15 years older than me and of course he's said "Why do you want to be with me, i'm old!" I don't look at it that way. I think if you have a connection and get along well with someone, same age or not, it's cool. And yes, other people with have their opinions.

 

If you are looking for a long term relationship, then I'd suggest bring it up to your boyfriend and see what he thinks and feels. Then at least you'll know whether he's just looking to have some fun or if he's looking for something more serious.

[phantomwolff85]

I would say as long as the relationship is healthy, you're fine regardless of age. The only people that really know what your relationship is like are you and your boyfriend, so take other people's advice with a grain of salt.

[charley]

One of the managers at one of my two jobs is 10 years younger than his wife. She is 65 and he is 55. They've been married a long time and are still happy.

 

One of my male cousins is 9 years younger than his wife. They started dating when he was age 20 and she was 29. They married a year later.

 

That was 10 years ago. Now he's 31 and she's 40. They have 3 kids and seem very much in love still. I'm sure they will be married for life.

 

As for the attitude of your friends, they are wrong, but their attitude is classic. Most people are accepting of an age-gap relationship for dating and/or marriage when the man is older. i.e. - they are very liberal and accepting when the man is older.

 

However, when the woman is older, society has more definate ideas. I've noticed people are rather accepting for dating and flings, but tend to assume that longterm marriage is not likely. Actually that assumption is not only unfair, but incorrect.

 

Your age-gap is only 9.5 years (I think you said). No big deal.

 

This is between you and your BF anyway. Not you and your brother, or anyone else.

 

As someone else said, you don't know what will happen in 20 years. None of us do. I think you should follow your heart.

 

Charley

[dawn515]

First, I want to thank everyone for replying. You guys are great.

 

Second, I've run what my brother said by a few other people, and their reaction was inevitably, "Well, THAT explains why he's never been married." Even my sister, who is also skeptical about the relationship, said not to pay attention to him because he's 42 and never really been in a serious LTR. So, yeah, even though I knew that, I let his comment get to me.

 

At some point, if I want this relationship to last, I have to let my qualms about the age difference go. Sometimes I forget about it too, but then something will remind me, and I'll get all worried again. Perhaps I shouldn't, but, like someone pointed out, it's different when the woman is older and the man younger.

 

I think we do have similar relationship goals, so it's fine in that department. I love him; he loves me. We have a great time together, and, in the end, I suppose that is all that matters.

 

Thank you again for replying. I suppose I just needed some reassurance after finally being okay about it and then having my brother shake things up in my head...!

[orangeapple]

You go girl...

who cares about the number attached to your body?

The point is you're both here now, alive & well so seize the day. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, or even 1/2 hr. from now.

LIVE, live, live live it now......don't worry about the future.

Enjoy, enjoy, make yourself happy....

THink of all the people out in the world who are trying to survive wars, famine, disease.....you're both alive so LIVE IT NOW.

Good luck,

[saltwatergirl]

At some point, if I want this relationship to last, I have to let my qualms about the age difference go.

 

 

Yes, by all means. Have no expectations either way. Just relax , take your hands off the wheel, and let it take it's own direction.

 

Salt