I Feel Like A Fraud

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

"I feel like a fraud" is something you'll catch me thinking most days in a general sense, but at the moment it mostly pertains to my relationship.

 

Essentially, I feel like ending my relationship of 8 months - once we've got back from a paid-for holiday together on July 27th, so ending it early August, or thereabouts - because it's just..frankly, I'm starting to see I'm not at all equipped to deal with anything beyond meaningless flings.

 

Bad, bad thoughts pummel my thoughts on a daily basis. It's absolutely exhausting.

 

Some are classic insecurity thoughts. Some are sheer conviction that the next phone call will be the one during which he ends it. A lot dwell upon the fact that he is clearly An Adult (finished university, own house, own car, 22 this year, etc) and I Am Not. That's no ones fault, but it makes me feel about *this* big.

 

To clarify, he is never patronizing. I am not so far gone I don't realise it's my head that's on the wonk, not him.

 

When I was younger, I was overweight and not very attractive. This time last year, my boyfriend was over 70lbs heavier than he is now, and to be honest, nowhere near as hot as he is presently. Having been in his situation, when I slimmed down, I got a lot more attention, and just wanted to make up for lost time. That's the nicest way I can describe my subsequent behaviour.

 

I can't stand to watch him do the same thing and surely it's human nature to wonder what else is out there when you've only slept with two people (me and a serious girlfriend of 2 years ago).

 

90% of the time he goes out with friends and gets drunk, he'll phone me on my cellphone and is more devotional/slushy/romantic than you could script for.

 

There's such a large part of me that thinks "Yeah, right. I just don't buy it. I'm probably being taken for a complete ride/fool here".

 

It's not so much Lack Of Trust, more a sad awareness of what people are like, leading to a plain lack of disbelief. I can't believe that a 21 year old can get drunk with friends and inevitably attractive people in the vacinity and be entirely innocent.

 

Perhaps I only think this because I can never keep my own behaviour in line, and sometimes have to actively enlist the help of friends to stop randomly committing infidelity. Sad but true.

 

I'd rather end it myself than get kicked to the curb.

 

I don't want to get smacked in the heart region again in less than 14 months. Rather go out standing then end it sobbing on my knees?

 

I don't feel good enough.

 

I'm sick of not feeling good enough. Why punish myself any more?

 

The worst part is, he does nothing to make me feel bad about myself, so what chance do I have?

 

Why bother, aside from the sex, with all this stress?

 

REVELATION: Im a stupid little girl attempting to cover up gaping holes in my life (dissatisfaction with almost every aspect of it: friends, health, college, personal growth, religious guilt,self hatred in general) by whatever I've got going with my boyfriend.

 

I love him but wish I never met him.

 

I was always insecure and had no clue what he saw in me, and I havn't changed my behaviour towards him, but it's getting out of control in my head.

 

I have no evidence, but I am convinced he is having an emotional affair (don't ask...I repeat, I have no actual indications, just a "Gut Feeling") and it isn't surprising given what I'm like, is it?

 

I am in complete utter despair. I'm sick of trying to "Change My Life" or "Reinvent" myself every few weeks and still feel the same.

 

Why the heck didnt he find a WOMAN instead of a FREAK? What is WRONG with him?

 

Last night, I had two hours of "clarity" whereby I decided to end it as soon as was decent as an act of mercy to him.

 

I have had bouts of severe mental ill health in the past and today and yesterday has been awful, I feel on course for another major slide. I feel as bad as I have the capacity to feel.

 

Aside from keeping busy and getting absolutely hammered out of my head with friends, any ideas?

 

I feel 45, not 18.

[Dako]

Putting your heart on the line is frightening and you've been really giving a lot to this relationship. Look at it this way, if he loves a fraud and is happy, why would he leave? You're such an exceptional woman, he can't possibly share your internalized self-image. You may feel like a fraud, but from my seat in the balcony you're the real deal.

Please don't give in to your darker moods.

[Managor]

If your boyfriend didn't want to be with you because there was something seriously wrong with you, he wouldn't. He's sounds happy to be with you, and the two of you are probably both good people capable of a great relationship. Being insecure or emotionally distraught can lead you to see things in a very negative light.

 

Has anything particular happened lately that's brought you down, that you haven't mentioned already in other ENA threads? If there is please find a way to talk about it, either here or with someone.

 

Hopefully you and your boyfriend can work through this; if parts of your life are bringing you down so much that everything starts to look hopeless, then it might do you a world of good to figure out what's wrong and how to start fixing it.

 

If you're dissatisfied with almost all aspects of life, I hope that you're talking about these problems here or with your boyfriend or someone else you can trust (lots of people here are probably very happy to chat and lend further support, myself included).

[Süsser Tod]

Eh, well, I'm too screwed up at this point I can't think straight anymore. Not the place/time for that post.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

What if he's doing what I used to do? Lead almost...a double life? I expect some day for someone to do that back to me, as in natural justice? I am driven half insane with guilt.

 

Dako, that's the third time this year you've made me cry. (Positively, if there's such a thing). Thank you as ever.

 

Managor - I was never entirely sure what was wrong with me, if anything. It's as though I have a few coping mechanisms missing and a few extra unneeded wirings. Which malfunction on a regular basis. If you get me.

[Scout]

[quote=AntiLove_SuperStarWhy the heck didnt he find a WOMAN instead of a FREAK? What is WRONG with him?

 

I hate to say this - because you're actually a pretty interesting and unique young woman in almost every aspect - but what you're experiencing here is sadly too common. Basically, you are projecting your own dislike of yourself on your boyfriend. You are struggling with liking and accepting yourself, so it seems incomprehensible that anyone else would like you. thereforeeee, there must be something wrong with them, is how you're processing things.

 

What's really scary is that kind of thought process could land you in an abusive relationship with a jerk one day, rather than with the good guy you are in a relationship with now.

 

Another factor that could be coming into play here is your perceived need for control. I have to reference your eating disorders at this point, since that is an issue that does have roots in a strong need for "control." Now you are effectively talking yourself into thinking you need to know every thought your boyfriend is feeling, what possible action he will take next, etc., etc. And you need to have control over this some way, but since ultimately none of us can ever control something like that, you're thinking about ending the whole thing - one big declaration of your "control" over the outcome of this relationship.

 

We need to ultimately find a way for you to relinquish that very strong need for control - perhaps acknowledge it's ego-driven to some extent - and instead replace it with peace of mind.

 

And I know that's at the heart of what you feel every minute every day - a complete lack of peace of mind.

 

You're in therapy for that still, I presume? How is that progressing?

[nottoogreen]

Oh well girl, read this thread, it will make you cry, (it made me), but I hope it will give you strength:

 

I like to talk to you more, but my gf just woke up and looked at me like a cobra for sitting at the computer at 04:48...

 

More later...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

S.Todd - I've already made someone unhappy by revealing I didnt trust them, so for this one, I havn't talked about it with him half as much.

 

I consider it a relationship preservation method.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

No, I've always been the abusive one in my less unhealthy relationships!

 

I've never been in anything like a situation where someone has abused ME.

 

I have always been the evil villain if there was an evil villain role to be played.

 

I am not in therapy. I had a minor fit and walked out, weeks ago. They treated me relentlessly like I was "Old Style Special with An R/A Retard", and I wasn't having any of that, thanks very much.

 

Therapy can make people self indulgent and mindless, not to mention angry as heck, which is what it did to me! 3 shrinks is enough for anyone in 18 years, I'm sure.

[TheRedQueen]

It's all in your head my dear, first fix head then try succes in romance.

However, since you both share a similar past, perhaps that's for the best and perhaps he too is having similar issues over the relationship. Who knows? Maybe you guys were meant to find each other to help each other through. I'm sorry that you've been feeling lackluster these past days, but as the saying goes, what goes down must go up.

[Süsser Tod]

What if he's doing what I used to do? Lead almost...a double life? I expect some day for someone to do that back to me, as in natural justice? I am driven half insane with guilt.

 

 

Well, I've never cheated on anyone, and I don't think I was abusive of my passive-aggressive ex gf. However, I always have the same fears as you, I hardly believe it has to do with your past, but with your insecurities, fear of abandonment and attachment issues. The thing about your past is only your mind making up an excuse to be entitled to feel like that.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Does the hideous nature of my past conduct not highlight what people can be like? I feel it does. At least I feel fairly UNnaive in general.

[Süsser Tod]

Does the hideous nature of my past conduct not highlight what people can be like? I feel it does. At least I feel fairly UNnaive in general.

 

 

No, it can't. Because you know why you were like that in the past. You cheated before they cheated on you. You left them before they left you. You always did it first, because you always had the fear of they doing it to you. As they say, shoot first, ask questions later. So if they ended up cheating on you, no biggie, you had already cheated on them, and if the sorry * * * * * left you, no worries, you already had someone else lined up.

 

And you know what fears drove you to do that, right? Same ones that are rearing their ugly face now. I know you're a brilliant girl, don't let your fears overpower your mind.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Im so, so tempted to create an "insurance backup life".

 

The trouble is, of course, that I actually love this one and don't want to do that to him.

 

DAMMMMMN.

[Süsser Tod]

Im so, so tempted to create an "insurance backup life".

 

Forget about that.

 

The trouble is, of course, that I actually love this one and don't want to do that to him.

 

Hold on to that, focus your mind there.

 

You know he doesn't deserve it, you know you love him, you have no reason to think he is cheating on you! Stop thinking about your fears, the more you think about them, the more they'll eat you.

 

Disclaimer: Way easier said than done.

[darkblue]

Antilove, If it makes you feel any better - I believe you are the most insanely logical person I have ever known.

 

You care and think so much about your circumstances and surroundings that you question them and their effects.

 

The fact is that you do actually like this guy, and I can't say that I believe you when you say you think he's cheating on you.

That's a way out from being so emotionally vulnerable.

 

By being in a relationship - you are putting yourself out there and could be hurt.

Hence why finding someone you trust is so important - because you DO have to open up to them.

That's what a relationship is all about. Trust.

 

"Total trust is when we can reveal our deepest, darkest thoughts - at our deeply darkest moments - and feeling free; not vulnerable"

I truly believe that.

 

I would say that the indicating factor is not whether or not you trust him - but whether or not you can put your trust in him.

 

Take care.

[Süsser Tod]

Antilove, If it makes you feel any better - I believe you are the most insanely logical person I have ever known.

 

Yes, she is very logical, unfortunately, that logic is used to reinforce the fears.

 

Logic:

 

man + alcohol + willing girl = sex

 

Right? Turn it like this:

 

AS's boyfriend + alcohol + willing girl = cheating

 

Pure simple logic. That logic fails to dismiss the fears, it only reinforces them, and that is not counting how those fears can twist that logic:

 

AS's boyfriend + alcohol + willing girl + AS has cheated + everybody cheats, there is a TV show called chaters!!! + just look at the infidelity forum at ENA, everybody cheats! + etc = I gotta get out of here, he will cheat on me as soon as he has a chance!

 

When in fact it should be something like:

 

AS's boyfriend + AS's boyfriend loves AS + AS's boyfriend is a loyal person + strong relationship + alcohol + willing girl = disapointed willing girl

 

 

Unfortunately, as logic as someone can be, one's logic will be always painted by fears.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I still have a grave conviction he'll smash my heart into mush, however I will try and read and ingest the above posts.

 

I will try, I promise.

[Süsser Tod]

Yes, I know how you're feeling, I'm feeling the same way. Dunno what else I can say to help you, all I've said is what has helped me more or less to keep going, hope it helps you more than it did to me.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

You And I Share A Brain (Disorder).

[daredevil]

Oh my god. Hmm well... I can just say that somethings written her reminds me alot about how I think my girlfriend is feeling right now.. same age.. long distance relationship as well.. and yeah.. she told me something not so good today.. not in the 100% same way, but yeah.. i'm left feeling.. trust me, from what i've been reading in this post your a wonderful girl who is just thinking a lot about her situation, but if you love him, then why leave him? What should be better out there, by focus on what you might get instead of what you have?

 

What do you love so much about this guy? These points should make you think, I got myself a nice guy who threats me well and not BAD as you stated he never did... Look at the positive things. I think that taking a bad attitude towards a guy who hasn't proven out to be unfaithful nor anything else shouldn't be judged. I myself would be devestated if my girl broke up according to the facts your stating as the consideration for doing that act your thinking about fulfilling. I would as the guy feel that the love I gave to a girl never would be enough, and I would seriously feel that I didn't deserve any girl if she broke up with me because I didn't say anything bad about her!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Mine isn't long distance, we only live 15 minutes away from each other!

Thank you for response daredevil, I see what you mean about thinking about it from his point of view.

 

There are many things I love about this guy. I wrote 70 of them down in a book and gave them to him as a random present once. That's a good point.

[daredevil]

lol sorry misread then.. ](*,) but yeah, are you sure you love him, and if you do, why do u you?

 

If you love a person shouldn't you be repaying faith towards him till other is shown? I know it's hard and me as a person don't trust people a lot due to the fact i've been cheated on once, but still i've learned from my current relationship, that you have to trust people. And when you don't leave longer from each other than you do, I think you shouldn't be having these negative thoughts, but still you are remarkable. That you at your current age think so much about your problems or perhaps upcoming problems, I admire that and I just want you to know that you should keep on revising things as you do now. It's good to consider every aspect of things, but I think in this matter, it would be a good idea to take it up with him, as others have said, because then you give him a chance to explain himself. Tell him that you're not feeling comfortable about the whole situation and yeah, nearly tell him what u told us... honesty is the key to a good relationship. Keeping things in the dark isn't

[Süsser Tod]

There are many things I love about this guy. I wrote 70 of them down in a book and gave them to him as a random present once. That's a good point.

 

Sweet!!! I'll keep that one in mind!

[itsallgrand]

What?! AntiLove!! Hey!!

 

Allow me to be the meanie here.....But this isn't only about you!

 

Guess what...you are an adult! You ARE part of a team - a commited team that consists of AntiLove and *don't know his real name*.

 

What right do you have to do this?!

 

Yes, I know you struggle hard with real serius issues. You have a lot to be proud of: even many strong women with more experience would find it difficult to do what you do. You are incredible. Truly.

 

But now you are in the trenches...up to bat...when it counts...

 

Don't you wuss out me now. Ohh, never mind me...don't you wuss out on HIM and YOU now. This is your time to shine. This is your time to GET WHAT YOU AND HE DESERVE.

 

That is trust and love and the remarkable relationship you have now, and can have in the future.

 

Sweetie, don't you want to take the chance? Isn't it better to try - and maybe lose - then to walk off when the going gets tough? You'll never know. You could come to regret walking away. He most definetly won't be happy.

And I don't want that for you or him.

 

Take a deep breath and plunge on. You can do it. This too shall pass.