Okay, I've totally took the plunge and joined okcupid.

[tylercdurden2004]

Nice one!

 

PS Dont forget TRS avocating prostitution.

[Ross_K]

I agree. You need your life before you can share it with someone else. And you can't rely on finding intimacy with a woman to make you happy and confident.

 

I think you need to find some independence before you get involved in a relationship. And having a job, going to school, improving yourself by joining some activity will also allow you to meet people in a neutral setting and perhaps ease your SA.

 

I have actually said that myself before, but everyone was saying it's just an excuse and to get out there now.

[Scout]

I have actually said that myself before, but everyone was saying it's just an excuse and to get out there now.

 

Because when you finally do get in a relationship - and you will - when your girl asks you what your first time was like, you're gonna have to lie. And the lie will eat away at you.

 

Don't do it, man. You've held out this long, let the first time be a little more meaningful. Also, resorting to a prostitute can become habitual and soon you'll find you only view women as sexual objects. While some may view prostitution as harmless, I think enough studies have proven it's not. Prostitutes are way more susceptible to getting an STD (and thus, so are their customers), many are stricken with AIDS, and drug use and violence is rampant in their world.

 

It seems like a pretty seedy world to become a part of. You can do better than this.

[Ross_K]

Because when you finally do get in a relationship - and you will - when your girl asks you what your first time was like, you're gonna have to lie. And the lie will eat away at you.

 

Don't do it, man. You've held out this long, let the first time be a little more meaningful. Also, resorting to a prostitute can become habitual and soon you'll find you only view women as sexual objects. While some may view prostitution as harmless, I think enough studies have proven it's not. Prostitutes are way more susceptible to getting an STD (and thus, so are their customers), many are stricken with AIDS, and drug use and violence is rampant in their world.

 

It seems like a pretty seedy world to become a part of. You can do better than this.

 

What does that have to do with my quote though?

 

I don't know whether I would lie to my girl about it or not. And anyway, I think it's worth it, what if I wait and that girl never comes and I'm 40 and still a virgin, or 50 and still a virgin? I feel like my life's wasting away, I've already spent the whole of my 20's without ever having a sexual experience. That just feels like a shame, a waste.

[Daddy Bear]

I've already spent the whole of my 20's without ever having a sexual experience. That just feels like a shame, a waste.

first sex is often a letdown. first love is always a high, even if it's a non-sexual relationship. i would place more urgency on that matter, if i were you. you can always tell a new gf, "i'm saving myself for marriage... apparently." that turns a potential embarrassment into an admirable quality, and with the addition of the "apparently", it also makes it not an outright lie.

 

(aside to my baby: argue with that one, monkey ears!

[Ross_K]

I've already experienced love from an online relationship. And it doesn't matter too much about the sex being a let down, it's not just about the sexual pleasure.

[sophie274]

I have actually said that myself before, but everyone was saying it's just an excuse and to get out there now.

 

Mmm, I think you were also making excuses like "I can't just move out, I have SA", "I can't just get a job, I've never had one before". I think it's good that you're trying something new and joining a dating site, but "taking the plunge"? You're still sitting in your house thinking that you are totally undesirable and expressing that on the internet: not all that different - yet - from what you've been doing on here.

 

I *think* what everyone has been telling you on your other threads is that you have no reason to feel unattractive and that you should work on building your confidence. I think you're going to have trouble finding a girl if you're relying on her to make you confident. It's an chicken and egg thing. IMO, first you're confident/feel attractive, then you get the date/girlfriend. Not the other way around.

 

That's why I think you should take the plunge by working on yourself. That will probably be a lot scarier than putting a profile up on a dating site, but it's a necessary step.

[Ross_K]

Mmm, I think you were also making excuses like "I can't just move out, I have SA", "I can't just get a job, I've never had one before"

 

I've never said those things before.

 

So how do I work on myself, how do I feel confident/attractive?

[AwdreeHpburn]

I personally think its a matter of retraining your thought process Ross.

 

I know that sounds like a load of crap, but its really not. You really do have to change your view of almost everything you see.

 

Try this excercise for a bit.

 

Look at a family member and say to yourself or write it down or whatever, what you think of them.

 

AND THEN...for the next couple of days, when you see that family member, think and try to feel the exact opposite about them.

 

Just try it

[Ross_K]

But what would that achieve though?

[Ross_K]

I'm on medication and I will be seeing a psychologist. I'm also slowly trying to desensitize myself to certain things, just taking small steps, and push that little bit more each time.

[sophie274]

Originally Posted by Mrocza

You're 30, not 13. Your mother doesn't have a say in what you do or don't do.

 

Get a job, move out on your own, a key to self confidence is independance. You can afford your own internet access and do what you please.

 

SA is something that you can work past - you need to go out and FACE it or you'll just get worse. The more you hide away, the scarier it seems, the more impossible it will be to face it. It's a vicious cycle only you can stop.

 

You can meet new friends, anyone can, you just need to put yourself out there.

 

No offense, but it sounds like you're just making excuses for yourself.

 

Ross_K:

I know I'm not 13, but it's hard trying to get your life together to get your own place when you have SA, the last thing I'd want to do is to move into some dodgy small flat in a rough area

 

 

This is an exchange on one of your other friends "What does it feel like to have a girlfriend?"

 

I wasn't exactly quoting, just that sort of attitude. I would follow the advice Mrocza gives.

[AwdreeHpburn]

But what would that achieve though?

 

 

Looking at things from a different perspective. The hope would be to train your brain to be able to view things from different angles instead of getting stuck in previous thought patterns.

 

If you are unwilling to change your view point, you'll never look at things objectively and will have a hard time generating creative solutions or even on the smallest level, conversation....

[Ross_K]

I have had plenty of jobs before, and as for moving out, if there was an okay place for me right now in an area that I thought was okay, I'd move there right now.

[MacGyverRI]

I've already experienced love from an online relationship. And it doesn't matter too much about the sex being a let down, it's not just about the sexual pleasure.

 

Online love? That's really called infatuation or puppy love, not love since they come before actual love and are part of the developmental process to love. You seem to want to bypass all the necessary steps for whatever reason. You really need to get out into the world so you can find someone who is real and not a fantasy.

 

infatuation noun.

in·fat·u·a·tion (ĭ-făch'ū-ā'shən) pronunciation

1. A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction. See synonyms at love.

2. An object of extravagant, short-lived passion.

 

 

The noun puppy love has one meaning:

temporary love of an adolescent (this is normal, everyone goes through it)

 

 

fantasy (făn'tə-sē, -zē pronunciation

n., pl. -sies.

 

1. The creative imagination; unrestrained fancy. See synonyms at imagination.

2. Something, such as an invention, that is a creation of the fancy.

3. A capricious or fantastic idea; a conceit.

4.

1. Fiction characterized by highly fanciful or supernatural elements.

2. An example of such fiction.

5. An imagined event or sequence of mental images, such as a daydream, usually fulfilling a wish or psychological need.

6. An unrealistic or improbable supposition.

 

love

(lŭv) pronunciation, n.

 

1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

 

2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

 

3.

1. Sexual passion.

2. Sexual intercourse.

3. A love affair.

 

4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.

 

5. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.

 

6. An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.

 

7.

1. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.

2. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.

 

 

 

Elizabeth Barrett Browning - 1806-1861 may have said it the best.

 

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, -I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

[Ross_K]

Looking at things from a different perspective. The hope would be to train your brain to be able to view things from different angles instead of getting stuck in previous thought patterns.

 

If you are unwilling to change your view point, you'll never look at things objectively and will have a hard time generating creative solutions or even on the smallest level, conversation....

 

So what would I need to change my viewpoint on in order to be able to look at things objectively, being able to generate creative solutions or even on the smallest level, conversation? I'd really like to be good at these.

[Ross_K]

What I felt was real love Ken, I would have put myself before her.

[AwdreeHpburn]

So what would I need to change my viewpoint on in order to be able to look at things objectively, being able to generate creative solutions or even on the smallest level, conversation? I'd really like to be good at these.

 

 

Like I said Ross, I think its all about re-training your mind. A good way to start the re-training process is as simple as learning your alphabet in grammar school. Practice. Start small. Excercise it.

 

Excercise it by just jotting down how you currently think of something and then for a week, everytime you see it or think about that thing, force yourself to think and feel the opposite of what you wrote.

[Ross_K]

I'll look into getting the book.

 

the one aim of overcoming SA is to increase ur confidence in all areas of ur life, whereas focusing just on getting a girlfriend is stupid because that alone will not make u happy

 

It would, definatley.

[MacGyverRI]

What I felt was real love Ken, I would have put myself before her.

 

That's infatuation, not love, since you want to bypass all the steps involved in the process because you started later than everyone around you and want to catch up. When you do fall in love for real, you will realise what I and others are saying to you.

 

When you got rejected at 6, that was a result of just mimicking your friend (peer pressure) asking her and that's very normal. There were no "love" emotions involved since they don't start until around 9-12 yrs. old on avg. and rejection from a 6 or 16 or 26 yr. old etc. is nothing to worry about, welcome to the real world. You have to learn from mistakes and experiences, not just sulk and mope around.

[Ross_K]

Like I said Ross, I think its all about re-training your mind. A good way to start the re-training process is as simple as learning your alphabet in grammar school. Practice. Start small. Excercise it.

 

Excercise it by just jotting down how you currently think of something and then for a week, everytime you see it or think about that thing, force yourself to think and feel the opposite of what you wrote.

 

I'll try it out. And this would really help me look at things more objectivley, be better at generating creative solutions and think of more things to say in a conversation? I suppose I can sort of see how it would work.

 

Where did you hear about this?

[Ross_K]

That's infatuation, not love, since you want to bypass all the steps involved in the process because you started later than everyone around you and want to catch up. When you do fall in love for real, you will realise what I and others are saying to you.

 

When you got rejected at 6, that was a result of just mimicking your friend (peer pressure) asking her and that's very normal. There were no "love" emotions involved since they don't start until around 9-12 yrs. old on avg. and rejection from a 6 or 16 or 26 yr. old etc. is nothing to worry about, welcome to the real world. You have to learn from mistakes and experiences, not just sulk and mope around.

 

How the hell can you know what I felt?

 

As for mimmiking my friend, that wasn't the reason for why I done it, I really wanted her to say yes, I really wanted her to fancy me.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Ross - like the new picture, I do. You look a bit serious tho -

 

as for where I heard about it, its all nerurological brain pathways and chemicals and stuff. For some reason I read a lot about behavioural stuff....

 

i can find you some stuff about the physical pathways in the brain and how to create new ones if that's how you prefer to learn about it?!

 

I'll try to find some stuff on-line and send you some links...

[Ross_K]

Thanks ta re saw, you're a diamond.

 

And hey, I'm smiling on my avatar.

[MacGyverRI]

So what would I need to change my viewpoint on in order to be able to look at things objectively, being able to generate creative solutions or even on the smallest level, conversation? I'd really like to be good at these.

 

Objective (Most of the advice given is from documentation and experience)

# Something that actually exists.

# Something worked toward or striven for; a goal.

 

 

 

Subjective (Ross is still here)

#

 

1. Proceeding from or taking place in a person's mind rather than the external world: a subjective decision.

2. Particular to a given person; personal: subjective experience.

 

# Moodily introspective.

# Existing only in the mind; illusory.

 

 

 

"Conversation" to a small extent is what you're doing with your replies now. A better version is when you're on a telephone. If you can do it here, you can do it face to face.(best way)