BF Abuses Alcohol

[evita577]

We've been dating on and off for about 5 years. He's always been a drinker, but he drinks more and more frequently each year. He's a fun drunk, by the way. Never says a mean thing or shows any bad traits. Just a fun-loving, laid back drinker. He's now up to 10-12 beers per night and sometimes he'll only buy 6 and then turn to whatever liquor is in the cabinet. He usually drinks all by himself, just sitting on our back porch. I'll have a few drinks per week. We went on vacation 3 weeks ago and ever since we came back, he's been drinking every single night, no less than 6 beers. We've had a few major fights since then (me telling him I can't stand him drinking so much, him telling me he's just having fun and I need to let him be himself). Finally, after an argument on Saturday night, he told me he'd try and cut back. Sunday and Monday night he didn't drink at all. Tuesday he probably had 10 beers (it was his Friday night since he works randomly through the week) and last night we had fun going out to dinner with friends. On our way home, he wanted to stop and get smokes, upon which he came back to the car with a 6 pack. It was 9:30pm at that point and we both had to work at 8am this morning. Needless to say, I went to bed and woke at 1:30am to find him not in bed and my heart sank. I just knew he finished those 6 and went on to drink the vodka I had hidden from him. Half the bottle was gone and I felt sick to my stomach knowing he will never change. I approached him last night and just looked at him in disappointment, he claimed it was he was just partying because it's his day off. His parents are alcoholics and so are two of his best friends. Whenever I tell him he has a problem, he says at least he doesn't drink as much as those friends of his (he used to claim that at least he doesn't drink liquor, just beer). In the past, he's denied he has a major problem, but sometimes he'll admit to wanting to drink less and be more healthy, and that he needs my help. He tells me to have faith in him, but we're not even engaged yet and how much more time should I waste on him if he's never going to change and it upsets me like it does. I've left him once because of this and he told me he didn't drink much anymore, so I came back. He told me he lied because he loved me so much and just wanted me back in his life. I love him and I pray that he can cut back and drink like a normal person, but I'm afraid he can't. I've even gotten to the point where i can't cry when we talk about this and it worries me because it is breaking my heart, but i can't cry anymore. This morning, I left him a 3-page printout about alcoholics, highlighting what was relevant to his situation. I'm afraid of how he'll react to that, if I'll come home and he'll be angry with me and think I'm against him when I'm just trying to save him and our relationship. Any advice on how to handle tonight or his reaction or anything would be much appreciated!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I once dated an alcoholic who like yours was a fun drunk. Heck I like alcohol too but not near as much as he did. He was usually pretty nice, but the alcohol caused him to also be really unreliable, he would totally forget numerous conversations we'd had...stuff like that causes more problems...over a long period of time. Maybe he can get a grip on it, maybe he can't. It's good that you're taking a look at it though.

[Beyondthesea]

Unless he wants help, there is nothing you can do.

 

I agree that you shouldn't be wasting more and more time on someone who is an alcoholic, which he is, and quite a bad one at that it seems.

 

Tell him simply that you know he is an alcoholic and you are not willing to be with him again unless he straightens up and quits drinking period. It sounds harsh, but you are doing yourself a favor in the long run.

 

Right now he is a happy drunk, but what about 10 years from now when he needs a liver transplant? If you drink you are not allowed to get one and are crossed off the transplant list, and rightly so.

 

I honestly would tell him bluntly that it's time for him to get help or you won't be with him anymore. This is a serious problem, much more than having a few casual drinks with friends.

[RayKay]

For someone to change their behaviour, they have to admit they have a problem. Does not sound like your boyfriend is at that stage yet. He may not get there either, or at least not for a long time. He is clearly still also in denial, by saying "I don't drink as much as they do" - that is not the point. The point is he is dependent on it at all, and drinking way too much for him. It is affecting his quality of life and relationships.

 

Whether he is a "fun drunk" or not is irrelevant, he is definitely dependent on alchohol. His risk was higher with his parents alchoholism (it runs on my dad's side of the family too) not just because that was how he grew up, but because there seems to be some genetic traits that make someone more likely to be addicted, or affected, by it. Often it's also related to depression which can be genetic.

 

However, that is no excuse of course for you to be miserable either. He is killing himself slowly, and taking your emotional health and relationship down with it.

 

My advice is you set yourself a PERSONAL deadline and stick to it. You don't tell him, but if in say 1-2 months after you have talked to him he has not made any progress to getting help, you leave. Do NOT marry this man. Do NOT stick around hoping it will get better, because it won't unless he admits he has a problem and takes some serious steps to address it. And it WILL get worse.

 

If the deadline comes, and no change...and no AA meetings or anything on his part....you MUST stick to your deadline hon and leave. Don't waste your time anymore. I also suggest some Al-Anon meetings for you.

[yeawutever]

Yea, if he's not willing to admit hsi behavior and it bothers you so much, save your time and call it quits.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Alcoholism can be really hard to over come in a relationship, even if everything else about that person seems great.

[yeawutever]

Alcoholism can be really hard to over come in a relationship, even if everything else about that person seems great.

 

I wouldn't be with an alcoholic. That's the reason I dump this guy, the reaosn the suppost relation (b/f and g/f) lasted only 5 days. Found this out through a friend.

[Momene]

Wish I had money to buy 6 beers a night, let alone anything else on top!

[HappyKat]

Evita, I'm so sorry you're going thru this. It's heart-wrenching to watch a loved one do battle with substance abuse!

Months, years pass, it s-l-o-w-l-y gets worse, and all this time you're hoping it'll get better...The arguments and tears beget promise after promise to cut back or quit, but those promises keep getting broken. It's as painful and difficult for your loved one as it is for you. (although it may sometimes seem that they don't give a hoot about you--this isn't true--they are quite simply: addicted.)

When the situation gets *bad* enough, the addict will seek help in earnest. Only then is there a chance for recovery. This is called 'hitting bottom' and everything you do to 'cover' for him prevents this from happening.

You might be 'enabling' his behavior, by perhaps: calling in sick for him or making some other excuse to hide the fact that he was drinking, picking him up because he's too messed up to drive...etc. Over time, it becomes so automatic you don't realize what is actually going on here.

If your bf won't seek help, that is his choice. You can't change him, but you can change the way you deal with him if you're unhappy with the way things are. Al-anon can help you see the situation more clearly, and learn to deal with your part in the relationship. Please at least give it a try--meeting times/places are usually listed in newspapers or community event calendars--the people who attend meetings are people just like you (and me) who love 'somebody with a problem.'

You might decide to leave, but forget the ultimatums--IF you leave you must have NO intention of returning--you must ALLOW your loved one to hit bottom.

Again, sorry you're faced with such a difficult situation. Hope you're able to work this out.

[blueangel]

Sometimes it's good to ask yourself that despite the feelings and attachments you have for a person, do you really think you are MEANT or MADE for THEM? Look at their behaviors and that's where that answer lies. Some people don't want help= not if they're not helping themselves. It takes a certain motivation to make us want to get over things. If we respected something or someone else enough, we would. If not, there's something we're still afraid of. I've seen people recover fast and slow. It depends on their will above all.

[Momene]

I think my post got lost. Am I the only one here who sees the financial implication of a partner's excessive drinking? If my wife or I had 6 beers per night, we'd have had our house repossessed by now. How many people can REALLY afford that level of expenditure without financial penalty?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I think my post got lost. Am I the only one here who sees the financial implication of a partner's excessive drinking? If my wife or I had 6 beers per night, we'd have had our house repossessed by now. How many people can REALLY afford that level of expenditure without financial penalty?

 

Yes I agree and I have seen it. We're talking about it leading to repossessions, horrible credit, and pawning(?) prized possession..just for starters....

[HappyKat]

Excellent point, Momene! How, indeed, can they afford it?

 

The addict can be *very* sly...trinkets end up "misplaced" tools get "lost" equipment/appliances end up "out for repair" (STOLEN/PAWNED/SOLD)

 

A few dollars borrowed here and there, or just *missing* from where we thought we put them...credit card advances, missing statements...

 

The financial penalties DO occur eventually, and often exist long before anyone else becomes aware of them.

[Beyondthesea]

Yes alcoholism needs to be funded and it's sad how desperate they can become. They will cheat, steal and lie their way to a drink. That's yet another reason to get out of this relationship and not marry him.

[evita577]

Thank you so much for all of your advice, especially RayKay and blueangel. Like one of my best friends has said, it's not going to be a picnic. No matter how this goes tonight, it had to be done. It is heartbreaking, not only for me but for him if he's not willing to get help and keep living in denial, alone.

[HappyKat]

Agreed, Beyondthesea! HUGE RED FLAG!!!!

 

To the OP: Please consider very carefully what could happen...are you willing to hit bottom WITH him?

 

Remember what he was like (emotionally, financially, general disposition) *at first* and compare that to what he's like *now*--better or worse?

 

I recommend that you DO NOT marry him, or even LIVE WITH him (if you're not already.) It would be a good idea to break up with him until he's been sober for at least a year. I know this is harsh and difficult--and way easier to say than do!

[Beyondthesea]

I'm glad to hear you are going to talk to him tonight. You are doing the right thing. His drinking is a problem, and if he can't face it, your relationship won't survive anyway. This will be a constant lingering problem which you certainly don't need in your life.

 

Let us know how it goes. You are doing the right thing.

[icanttakeitanymore]

My BF is an alcoholic. But of the worst kind. Very violent, and paranoid. But I do know that it is a waste of time to sit around and try to change them. It took my BF getting arrested 3 times to stop. And still he slips up almost once a month. It's something that unless you can just deal with the fact, "he's going to drink, and there isn't anything I can do to change it" then you should leave. I should have left, me staying put us through a lot of bad times of us fighting about his drinking, which led up to me have resentment for his problems and him being stubborn and choosing alcohol over his first love.

 

I hope you make the right choice, and talk to him or get out if it's too much. There is so much you can be doing foryourself.