Petty and vindictive or appropriate?

[malcontent]

My ex g/f and I split at the end of February. She started seeing a new guy a week later. I've been solid no contact for going on four weeks now.

 

Here's the situation. Up until about ten minutes ago, I had still been paying for her Internet-based telephone service. I told her when we broke up that I expected her to get her own phone, but she hasn't yet. I called them today and had the service disconnected.

 

Since I'm doing no contact, I didn't feel the need to notify her. She's got a cell phone so it's not like she'll be completely incommunicado, but I'm pretty sure she's on a pay-as-you-go type plan and will thereforeeee no longer be able to have long conversations with people.

 

I guess my question is this: Is it okay that I had the service turned off? I have already discussed the phone with her repeatedly letting her know that I wanted to sever all of the connections we had. She's had two months to get a new phone service and hasn't.

 

Any thoughts would be welcome.

[Sylph]

I told her when we broke up that I expected her to get her own phone, but she hasn't yet.

That's all I need to hear to be convinced you're in the right.

 

You've got nothing to worry about or feel guilty for if that's what you agreed on before hand.

[annie24]

I think you did entirely the right thing. In fact, I would have stopped paying the day after the break up. Maybe given her one week to be nice.

 

It's not vindictive. You told her that you expected her to get her own service. You are her ex, you are not responsible to pay for her lovey-dovey phone calls to her new boyfriend.

 

If she gets mad at you for disconnecting, then she is a selfish little shrew.

 

just my opinion

[kellbell]

Yes absolutely. No need to call her either. She will figure it out. I did the same thing about a few months ago. I lived with my ex of 4 years and we broke up the middle of Decemeber 2005. I was going to pay for the cable until we offically ended our lease this past April but he ticked me off so I had the cable shut off. Oh well. Do not feel bad. It is YOUR money and there is no need to keep paying her service. Take care.

[tylercdurden2004]

I think you did entirely the right thing. In fact, I would have stopped paying the day after the break up. Maybe given her one week to be nice.

 

It's not vindictive. You told her that you expected her to get her own service. You are her ex, you are not responsible to pay for her lovey-dovey phone calls to her new boyfriend.

 

If she gets mad at you for disconnecting, then she is a selfish little shrew.

 

just my opinion

 

A shrew hehehehehehehehe!

 

Yeah man you are no longer together so too bad so sad for her. No need to be her sugar daddy she can make adult decisions. Even if you didnt tell her, she can hardly expect you to maintain the "nest" after you are no longer together. And if she gets angry I say shes another type of rodent: A big repugnant RAT!!!!!

[renaissancewoman101]

Malcontent, like the other posters, I dont think what you did is wrong. It was your phone service and you were paying for it and you guys have been broken up for almost two months now.

 

Although, if I were in your shoes, I probably would have sent her an email or something like that to tell her that was what you were going to do. But then, I tend to be the "nice" person when it comes to stuff like that.

 

When my ex broke up with me, he was sharing a cell plan with me that I PAID for. We broke up in the beginning of Sept and I let him keep the cell phone until Dec., because I was hoping to get back with him. I also wanted to monitor him, why I dont know. When I finally did demand the phone back, he gave it up with no fuss.

[malcontent]

Thanks for all the quick replies. It's something that I'd wanted to do for a while, but every time I brought it up in the past (prior to going full-blown no contact, that is), she would somehow manipulate me out of it.

 

She's on her own now.

[chai714]

Mal,

 

What you did was RIGHT. Only thing you did wrong was waited a month to do it. I'm with all the other posters on this one.

[PocoDiablo]

I would have done it the next day.

[chai714]

I would have done it the next day.

 

Poco,

 

Not sure you would have. I know probably wouldn't have - I would have waited who knows how long. The situation always appears different when you're not in it. Outsiders can often see things more clearly than insiders can because they are usually not emotional about it.

[Scout]

You were very generous to let her have the service continued for the amount of time you did. And I think in your heart you already knew that.

 

If she doesn't recognize that, too bad. That's her problem.

[mmmending]

you gave her fair warning, just over two month's.. you had also mentioned that when the issue came up prior to full blown NC, that she would somehow convince you, or "manipulate" you not to take action, so you clearly have shown some leniency and generosity in this..

 

speaking from experience, i can rationalize, justify, build a case around just about anything i do (i am highly accomplished at this *ahem*), however, when my conscience has any pang or doubt over actions taken, it is often (not always) when my intentions behind them may not have been completely on the level, or where i'm giving in to my lesser instincts.. this is where i get into trouble, and the boardroom of critics and backseat drivers who chatter away inside have a fieldday with this

 

you ask whether your actions were "petty and vindictive or appropriate?".. wow! this is harsh, these are harsh words.. you are really laying a number on yourself in how you characterize your actions, actions which at this point, are moot.. it's done, but you are still being hard on yourself

 

my suggestion to you: frame the question in a way that speaks to your higher instincts.. "did you act out of conscience and good intention?"

 

this sounds like a question from the heart, whose answer is solely for the heart

[malcontent]

mmmending,

 

That's a tough question, and I, too, am extremely accomplished at the art of rationalizing.

 

I'd say it's a mix of the two. I left the phone on primarily because she didn't have a cell when we split and she has a three and a half year old son. Now, she does live in an apartment which is located within an owner occupied house, so it's not like she'd ever be away from a telephone in the event of an emergency or anything, but it seemed like the right thing to do anyway.

 

In recent weeks, however, it's just been another reminder to me. It wasn't expensive, but on principle I no longer felt obliged to provide this service to her. The deal was that she would pay me each month and that I would continue to provide the service. It's been two months and I haven't seen a dime, so, just like the actual phone company would do, I disconnected her.

 

So I guess I really got to kill two birds with one stone: I severed one of the last remaining ties (she owes me money but I'm writing that off) between us and got to put the screws to her a little bit while I'm at it.

 

So I guess my actions were a mix of both good and bad. I did myself a favor and cut the tie while at the same time limiting her ability to communicate.

 

Pangs of guilt or low-grade anxiety are present, however.

[mmmending]

this seems like hard stuff.. my heart goes out to you..

 

you come accross as very honest with yourself, and aware of what you do, accountable, thoughtful..

 

when i read your reply i sort of got that sinking feeling that disconnection of the service was a gesture of "this is really over" towards your ex.. it seemed sad, cause for reflection

 

if i came accross too strong in my post, i'm sorry..

 

pls take good care and go easy on yourself

[Scout]

when i read your reply i sort of got that sinking feeling that disconnection of the service was a gesture of "this is really over" towards your ex...

 

I too got the sense that disconnecting the service was somewhat of a symbolic gesture for you. In which case, your feelings of anxiety about this are completely understandable, but I think very soon you'll be relieved and comfortable with this decision. You're moving on, my friend.

[malcontent]

The night I decided to go NC was the night any ambiguity regarding the future of the relationship dissipated. She and her new guy were out at the local pub, drunk, and completely all over each other. I knew that night heading in there that there was a chance I'd see her, and I wasn't sure how I'd react.

 

When I realized how little concern she had for my feelings in the whole situation, it made my decision a lot easier. She felt the need to flaunt her new relationship in my face and all over town for that matter. I realized then that there were a lot of good reasons I'd stopped "showing up" to the relationship over its last few months.

 

I felt she was too insecure; she had low self-esteem, low self-respect, and even lower respect for me. She was beautiful, albeit somewhat vapid and shallow. Her father had left her mother when she was young and her mother had taught her to be a sex object, basically, by making her wear short skirts and always be "beautiful" as a means of preventing future abandonment, I suspect.

 

The combined effect of these traumas created a woman who, in my unprofessional yet studied opinion, needed constant male companionship and validation in order to survive. She still has never really experienced life as a single person, and she's 37 years old. Her marriage ended because she was having an affair, and I have it on pretty good evidence that she was screwing around while we were together. That's what you get when you have a woman for whom nothing is ever enough: she'll do what she needs to to get her needs filled, amongst other things *ahem*, with little concern for those who might be hurt by her actions.

 

If it hadn't been for my overwhelming fear of facing the very pain brought about by the break up, I would have done it months and months sooner. I realize that's a pretty cowardly position, but suffice it to say I've been a little on the emotionally vulnerable side in recent years (or maybe my whole life, who knows) and was afraid to take decisive action.

 

While I'm not completely out of the woods on this one yet, I've made huge progress as a person in the past two months. The experience has taught me a lot about myself and even more about what qualities are important to me in a woman, and which I'd rather avoid going forward.

 

Again, thanks to all for the replies and kind words. This site is definitely a huge help to anyone going through this type of thing.

[tylercdurden2004]

Sounds like abandonment issues. And she is no where near trying to deal with these and will continue to act out, until she deal with the core issue.

[PocoDiablo]

Poco,

 

Not sure you would have. I know probably wouldn't have - I would have waited who knows how long. The situation always appears different when you're not in it. Outsiders can often see things more clearly than insiders can because they are usually not emotional about it.

Actually I would have. I would have told her "Hey, if you want the phone line you need to call the phone company and get it switched over tomorrow, otherwise I'm going to turn it off."

 

I've been through enough breakups to realize that, while it *is* difficult, people will more often than not take advantage of an overly understanding nature. I have bent over backwards more than once in my life and have come to the firm conclusion that 99% of people WILL take advantage of you.

 

I just don't tolerate it anymore. That's just me.

 

Now keep in mind that I come from a very different position than most folks, what with running a few companies and web forums. It changes your outlook rather drastically.