Men: How do you truly feel about the "other woman"?

[senoritass]

I was involved with a married man, and it only lasted a short time and but I did have strong feelings for him. Don't think it was love, but there were some very deep emotions developing on my part. And still I never planned, or ever even thought to leave my husband. I've seen a lot of posts telling women that "he doesn't love you if he is still with his wife" and I do think that is the case most of the time...I know that it is so much more complicated than that! Not trying to make excuses, or at all do I think this is not wrong, but I know! so just wanted to hear what the men have to say?

[annie24]

well, I'm not a man, but I think that they want to eat their cake and have it too. I'm sure that they have a lot of feelings for the other woman, care about her tremendously, but if they're not willing to leave their wife, then they don't love you enough. Enough to deal with the guilt and anger of betraying their wife and kids, enough to deal with the gossip of people at work and the neighbors.

 

Sometimes people marry the wrong person. It happens all the time. And maybe if he met you when he was single, he would have married you. However, all those things don't matter until he leaves his wife for you. He doesn't love you enough and it's less than you deserve.

[whatchamacallit]

I'm not a man, either, but shouldn't he think about those things such as the guilt, anger, and consequences and still love the other woman more than life itself?

[annie24]

but he did take vows to stay with his wife. and for some, they can't leave the marriage, even if they are more into the other woman than they are to their wife.

[DN]

How did you feel about the other man? That would probably be much the same as he would feel about you. i.e.

 

And still I never planned, or ever even thought to leave my husband. I've seen a lot of posts telling women that "he doesn't love you if he is still with his wife" and I do think that is the case most of the time...

[ocrob]

I think what he was doing was wrong, but also feel that a woman should never get involved with a married man. It sounds like you are married too. No offense, but you both did something wrong and it is hard for me to feel for you. With that said, we all make mistakes and I do wish you the best and hope if you are married, then you never cheat again and end things if that is what you want.

[bobo85]

Everyone here is being too nice and i'm gonna be real. You cheated on your husband. You are selfish and only thinking about your own needs. You say you love your husband but you DONT love him enough to stay faithful. To me thats not good enough and hopefully you can be honest with him and tell him that you did cheat on him. Maybe he'll forgive you, maybe he won't. But he deserves to know the truth so he can make his decision on whether or not to stay with you or not. Your husband does deserve someone who loves him enough to stay faithful.

[annie24]

True, he may love the other woman, but if he doesn't leave his wife and kids for her, then he doesn't love her enough. Or at least, not as much as he loves his wife and kids or is trying to do the right thing.

[itsallgrand]

The way I see it is: He may love her, but it doesn't really matter much.

He's obviously screwed up and needs to be left to his own devices.

 

So who gives a dam what he thinks?! Harsh, but really.

[annie24]

True, I have not been in the situation, and I think there is nothing wrong with putting children first.

 

What I do know is that my mom's first husband left her and her young son for his mistress. I never knew him, but according to my mom, he's a complete jerk. Never had much to do with my half-brother either.

 

But, a man can leave his wife and still be very involved in the childrens' lives. He can have joint custody, still spend lots of time with them, etc.

 

I mean, he can love his mistress, but if he doesn't love her enough to dedicate himself to her, and she wants him all to herself, then it just shows that he doesn't love her enough to make a major life change and leave his wife. He doesn't love her enough to love her in public.

[NW Homey]

If he doesn't want to leave his wife and kids to be with with someone he supposed loves, he deserves to be left to them in his misery. No-one should be fooling around and anyone else when they are married - period. They don't really love thier spouse or their children for that matter. Where are the children when they are off having the affair? It's a pathetic thing when a person can't take a stand on either leaving a situation they are in that they are unhappy with are trying to make it better. Either leave or be together. Make your choice and live with it.

[westwind61]

Married man and former adulterer here. I haven't posted for a while. It's been a year since I ended my affair and I think there are markers that are triggering some deep feelings so I came back to read and interact.

 

To answer your question: yes, I loved the other woman and still do. And that's a almost a year of no contact. I can tell you that I am committed to never, ever, contacting her again and work daily to get her out of my "system." I assume she is doing the same for me.

 

Affairs are messy, complicated things. I disagree with the people who are black and white in terms of condemning the cheaters. We do it for different reasons. I can tell you without hesitation I don't miss the sex with the other woman. I miss her friendship and connection. I wish her the best in terms of her future, but you have to understand (and I have to remind myself) that you gently need to make the other woman/ man or the married person you were involved with what I call "gently irrelevant." They have to get out of your life and stay out of it forever. You can't bargain by saying "maybe someday." You have to move on without the other party to the affair. So to the person who started this thread, you have to learn not to not care how your former lover feels. (If I undersand your role correctly)

 

I can't hate the other woman because it's not in me to be that way. Last I heard, she hates me. That's fine.

 

The simple premise is that affairs are the worst way to begin a relationship and the vast majority never work out. At the end, there's a pile of bodies. The betrayed spouse and kids, the cheating spouse, the other woman and the other man.

 

Hope that makes sense.

[senoritass]

I never had sex with my "other guy" (yes, it's the truth) and there was and still is a connection between us. We are trying the "just friends" thing, and I really hope that we can because I don't want to lose the friendship...I know, I should have thought about that first...Thanks for your response. This makes much sense to me!

[ailsagirl]

As "the other woman" very much in the throes of grief because my lover returned to his wife, I have to wonder about the nobility of the man who returns to his wife for form's sake. My ex-love went back to his wife almost eight weeks ago. I last heard from him less than two weeks ago. He loves me, I am his soulmate, he will never get over me, but he's staying with his wife. My thought is: poor woman.

 

Yeah, I'm bitter.

[DN]

As "the other woman" very much in the throes of grief because my lover returned to his wife, I have to wonder about the nobility of the man who returns to his wife for form's sake. My ex-love went back to his wife almost eight weeks ago. I last heard from him less than two weeks ago. He loves me, I am his soulmate, he will never get over me, but he's staying with his wife. My thought is: poor woman.

 

Yeah, I'm bitter.

 

There is no nobility in a man having an affair in the first place and I'm afraid there is no nobility in a woman who would knowingly engage in an affair with a married man.

 

Because there was no nobility in him having an affair there can be no nobility in anything he does subsequently - either going back to his wife or leaving her for his mistress.

[yeawutever]

It's good thing you never had sex with the other man, so you did not really make the big mistake you would have regret. As for what the other man most be thinking, I think a man should also be inverting the question as "What does the married wife think of the other man"? I think he must be thinking the same thing you're thinking about him.

 

As for westwind61: Did your wife ever found out by the way? If she did, I assume you and her (her mostly) must have gone to trust issues for a real long while. Also, did you felt remorse after it. If she did found out, now you know how it did hurt her and hopefully you're learning form it (if she took you back). If she still doesn't know, then all that's left is forgive yourself.

[Bethany]

He loves me, I am his soulmate, he will never get over me, but he's staying with his wife. My thought is: poor woman.

 

Yeah, I'm bitter.

 

I don't mean to sound rude but when I read that my thoughts were of "you" being the poor woman, not her.

 

It was an affair and now it's over. Move on, and don't look back with bitterness, look back with acceptance that you made a huge mistake in trusting a liar and a cheat.

[Celadon]

Like just about everybody, I believe cheating only brings on bad endings. HOWEVER, I think many people could end up getting involved with someone who is already attached. The attached person could even be you.

 

Affairs fill some sort of need. Sometimes those needs are completely selfish. An older man may feel a lack of excitement or a sense of self-doubt, and so he takes up with a younger woman. Or two people may genuinely be attracted to each other because their spouses don't relate to that "niche" in their personalities.

 

I'll bet that sometimes the two people having the affair don't love each other at all. Sometimes they do. But even so, those feelings don't often amount to a good enough reason to break up a marriage and family, imho.

[Cadence308]

They're not automatically all dogs and if so, what's that make us?

 

Looking at your profile, maybe cats?

[jabele]

Looking at your profile, maybe cats?

 

\\ Ballys!

[westwind61]

As for westwind61: Did your wife ever found out by the way? If she did, I assume you and her (her mostly) must have gone to trust issues for a real long while. Also, did you felt remorse after it. If she did found out, now you know how it did hurt her and hopefully you're learning form it (if she took you back). If she still doesn't know, then all that's left is forgive yourself.

 

I admitted to it. We are 18 months past it coming out in the open.

There is still a trust problem although it's not as bad. We spent months in counseling as a couple and I was in even longer individually. I was excommunicated from my church for adultery, lost the respect of many friends, sent my kids through upheaval when we separated for two months and my career took a dive. My affair is well known accross town because these things are gossiped about.

 

So yeah, I could go on for pages about the remorse.

 

The other woman has the same attitude as you alsagirl, for which I also feel bad, but have come to the realization that she is less of a victim than she thinks she is. I can't help what she thinks and will never contact her again. As time goes along, her memory fades, but it is subject to being triggered and all of the emotions that swirled around when the days were desperate come back.

 

My kids have come around and have forgiven me. My wife has forgiven, but not forgotten. I have very few friends now. I have some friends who stood by me and my family who have recognized "but for the grace of God there went they . . ."

 

I don't judge others anymore. And I don't seek sympathy. You just try and improve all areas of your life and hope at some point you obtain redemption.

 

The other thing that has come hard for me is "forgiving myself." It was a long term affair where I sought the fulfillment of emotional needs rather than sexual ones. It was wrong. It caused a ton of harm. What fueled it was selfishness. Often I wish I could move away and assume a new identiy, which is selfishness in and of itself.

[yeawutever]

You were very fortunate not to lose a family. A mistake like that could have cost you that. Learn from it and don't get tempted again!!!!!!!