She's Not Coming Back

[Rob1000]

Do you ever get those moments of clarity when it hits you that your ex isn't coming back? That heart wrenching moment when you realise you're wasting your time hoping that one day this will all work itself out? Well I've just had one of those moments and the tears have only just stopped. Here's my story..

 

 

 

It's hardly been a month since we broke up and I've heard nothing. I cast my mind back to the weeks just before we split and I remember how distant she'd become. So different to the days when she'd look dreamingly into my eyes and how I could see her love just gazing back at me. The contrast of those two times have surely given me the realisation I need that things will never be the same again. Her feelings changed and there's nothing I can do to change that.

 

As much as it kills me to accept it, I really believe the more I do, the quicker I will get over it. I know everyone's situation is different and I don't want to dampen anyones hopes of a reconciliation but for me, I believe that nothing I do or don't do will bring back the girl that I so dearly love.

 

I am unbelievably heart broken writing this. I haven't gone near her since we broke up and I am proud of the fact that if nothing else, I still have my self repect.

[Demond34]

I feel ya man....I totally get what you're saying.......about how you're holding onto that slightest bit of hope to keep you somewhat sane and then that "Oh my god, shes not coming back" thought comes screaming into you're head.............My relationship was over 5 years......its been NC for a week, so I'm bugging out, but sticking with it.......GL man

[NJRon]

Well, you came to that realization very quickly. Good for you... you're a better man that I and you saved yourself a lot of pain in the process.

[Rob1000]

It's late and I now look forward to sleeping... knowing that is the only time that this doesn't hurt!!

[khujo56]

Yes i have and i realized that today, my ex who said she will think about being friends apparently blocked me on msn messenger and now she e-mailed me saying she does not want to be friends. it suxs so bad that it really really hurts

[Demond34]

you should be lucky you're able to sleep, most people can't.........i for one am fortunate to sleep but man do the mornings suck

[itsallgrand]

Rob,

I applaud you. I agree with you. My break-up is even more recent than one month (about a week) and yet I feel the same way. Self respect is so important. The first few days I was questioning myself. Am I good enough? What did I do to contribute to this? etc.

I have since had many a from the guts cry, and I'm sure I will have more. Because I know pretending only makes things worse. It is best to accept things as they are, no matter how painful, and walk with our heads proud.

 

It is our best change of healing and not having our lives destroyed by the loss.

 

Keep strong.

 

I have been advised - by those much older and through worse heartbreaks than my own - to wait at least 3 months before contact. I find that wise, though difficult at times.

 

We are important and must grieve before ever attempting (if ever) a new sort of relationship with the one we have loved.

 

Sorry to ramble on. I have a lot of respect for the way you are dealing with it.

[BetterKarma]

Congratulations on hitting the "acceptance" stage of mourning!!!

 

Just a word of caution though, your emotions will keep going up and down for a while. Hold on to the feeling you have now and remember it. Don't feel bad if you fall back either, it's normal.

[Rob1000]

Again it is morning and I'm trying to find reason for hope. I lie awake running things through my head over and over. How could things turn upside down so quickly, where did it all go wrong. She said 'forever'. Why has she gone!!

[majord23]

Rob, chin up pal.

 

I know it hurts when you feel like this but we all go through it. It's a by-product of NC (when NC is done correctly). If you were to *expect* your ex to come back then you could potentially be setting yourself up for a huge fall.

 

Moments of clarity and acceptance come and go - they are part of healing. Although you may not feel like it at the moment, this is a GOOD thing. You cannot be reliant on your ex coming back, you HAVE to accept that it is over before you can even begin to contemplate interacting with her (if that's still something you want to do).

 

Imagine this:

Communicating with your ex, pinning your hopes on her coming back and being devastated with every day that passes that she doesn't.

 

OR

 

Accepting that it's over, then communicating with your ex in the knowledge that she may or may not come back....but you're not counting on anything.

 

Which do you think is the healthier position to be in?

 

You are on your way to being in the second place mate...keep going. Yes, it hurts and yes, you may have constant doubts....but just keep going.

 

You are on your way to a better place - with or without your ex. You are releasing yourself from her 'spell' and that will make any decision you make in the future (with regards to her) a MUCH healthier one.

 

We're with you mate.

[Rob1000]

Wow man!

 

You really know how to cheer people up. The girl who gets you will be extremely lucky. It was just one of those moments last night that I saw clearly (or maybe not) and I just broke down.

 

The way you put it has made me see it in a new light. Yes, this is cold turkey of the highest intensity. I have never felt anything like this before. And you are right, I am being released from her 'spell'. I compare it to climbing out of a thorn bush. Each time you take out one of the nettles or thorns it hurts like hell, but you know you'll soon be free from it's entanglement. And it's only then that I'll be able to move on. With or without her.

 

Thanks again Major. And thanks to everyone for your support. I know I'm on my way out of this hell-hole that I'm in and it sure has been up and down.

[LL1979]

I feel for ya man, I'm in a similar situation but its been 3 months. I guess if she wants you she'll let you know. Otherwise you'll just be showing her that pressuring, needy, selfish(!) side that isn't appealing to any woman. So you're right to keep the NC up. If you do care for her then give her what she wants - that one last request: leave her be. That's what I keep telling myself anyway...

good luck

 

I've found this forum helps, its an oasis of sanity when all hope seems lost.

[LostInTranslation]

Rob,

 

Like everyone else who has posted, I want to encourage you to move on. So many stories here talk about how we tried for weeks and even months to get our ex's back after a breakup. Fortunately you were able to realize sooner than later that she is not coming back. I know it's negative thinking, but thinking and knowing the worst is far easier to deal with than false hope.

 

You can say that you walked away with dignity unlike myself and many others on here. Be proud of that. You didn't force the issue or suffocate her with useless efforts. She can at least respect you for respecting her decision ... and I think that will end up being in your favor in the long run. Evaluate your role in your relationship and breakup and work on becoming a better person for your next love.

 

I completed three months of NC this past Monday and I feel great. I miss my ex at times, but I know I'm in a better place without her. I have met a few girls since then and have applied all that I've learned to my new relationships.

 

You are doing great and I can tell you will heal much sooner than most. I wish you the best of luck.

[BONO]

Give her the best gift in the world

 

 

"THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU"

Scruff

[Rob1000]

Give her the best gift in the world

 

 

"THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU"

Scruff

Thats what I'm trying to do anyway. Trouble is her gifts were always better than mine!!

[enolaton]

Rob... there's nothing I can say that others haven't already said on this forum. Just thought I'd let you know we're here for you. Be strong dude, and let everything just take its course... stay cool

[Rob1000]

enol, scruff, major and all the gang. Thanks so much!

[coldheart]

Give her the best gift in the world

 

 

"THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU"

Scruff

 

HAHAAAAAA! That's ma man right there! Hey Rob, I sent you a PM. I have chosen not to clog the boards with my posts since my situation is 98% similar to yours. I was with my ex for 22 months, and the last 2 months of the relationship were "iffy". Her tolerance for fights gradually faded, and her patience for arguments gradually grew very thin. A change had evolved. I believe the reason women are able to perform "cold turkey" breakups is because they have already checked out of the relationship before the initial breakup conversation, whether they dumped, you dumped, or it was mutual.

 

I believe that was the case with me, and that is one of the reasons that breakups are always so inconclusive and appear to have no closure. In my opinion, it's like anything else. Whether they were planning on leaving you 2 months in advance or 24 hours in advance, you gotta let them fly! Let them go and test the waters... Let them get to know new people and date as much as they want. If you have an irreplaceable section in their heart, they will be back. And the best thing about total NC is that the process helps your heart heal and become bulletproof to circumstances that would normally break you (e.g: love songs, seeing her in public, hearing about her dating, finding out about her being in a new relationship, etc.).

 

The process of healing allows you to move from a hurtful stage where you feel that 60% has been ripped right out of you, to a stage where you feel 100% and can say: "If she comes back, great! If she doesn't, it doesn't matter because I am 100% and don't need her to live!" Keep your head up Rob, we are all in the same boat. I am 5 weeks out and 4 weeks NC from my breakup, and all I can say is that the ups and downs continue, but my trajectory is still "Forward". That's what matters in the end. We've all hit rock bottom, but there is only one way out and that is up.

 

Holla back!

-CH

[Rob1000]

I am 5 weeks out and 4 weeks NC from my breakup, and all I can say is that the ups and downs continue, but my trajectory is still "Forward". That's what matters in the end. We've all hit rock bottom, but there is only one way out and that is up.

Beautiful. It's nice that someone's in the same break-up situation as me. I think she checked out of the relationship about a month before she ended it the second time.

 

And I definitely believe I have a irreplaceable section in her heart!!

 

Thanks coldheart for your pearls of wisedom.

[deejay74]

rob, i feel you bro. i know exactly what you mean about realizing that your ex isn't coming back.

 

i am getting that feeling again, for the 2nd time because this has been the longest i've gone without any contact (about 5 weeks). i think i pushed her to the point of no return and i have no idea whether or not she even hates me. i posted in the "healing..." section about feeling weak and breaking my longest streak of NC.

 

anyway, about giving your ex the gift of missing you. how do you know if they are? i specifically asked my ex one of the last times flat out if she missed me, and at first she wouldn't answer that question b/c she said i would be hurt with either answer, then i asked her again until she finally said, "then no, i don't miss you". i have an old post that details the story leading up to that. but for me, i think NC won't make my ex miss me.

 

in my case, my ex started to check out 3 weeks before she broke up with me but had the nerve to stick around for xmas. on xmas day she was so distant and cold to me that i had to say something but unfortunately i had to leave to go back home to dc. i came back that thursday with gifts from my mom to give to her - i went to see her right after getting into the city from the train. when i saw her, she said she missed me and loved me and accepted the gifts. the very next day she broke up with me. apparently the whole time i was away, she claims she was up late at night thinking about what to do even though we spoke everyday on the phone while i was in dc. i still don't get it but i kind of gave up trying to figure that out.

[coldheart]

I still don't get it but i kind of gave up trying to figure that out.

 

Best thing you did DJ. I as with you, stopped analyzing the situation as well, and began applying all that energy towards me, since "ME" is what I can change. "Her", I cannot change. Keep it up!

 

-CH

[shamus]

its over between me and her

i love her, but shes got a new guy

before we broke up there were fights for sure, but she had said she wanted to see me everyday...hard since i had a new puppy, and couldnt leave him alone all the time(couldnt bring him to her place because her kid is scared of dogs and mine is hyper-would destroy everything)

 

she breaks up with me 6 weeks ago

i did limited contactfor 3 weeks

3 weeks ago we met for coffee...she said couples counselling. I agreed but said lets not tell anyone were together and air our dirty laundry, lets work through this first. (we'd fought all the time so i didnt want to tell anybody and hear here we go again...i figured work on us first)

later she says no

next day shows up at my door. Says why cant we hang out...i tell her im not a safety net.

apprently she got pissed at my comments about not tellling anyone.

3 saturdays ago she texted me asking if i had a hot date, she never gets asked out blah blah blah i finally told her no i dont

she called that night we talked briefly but i knew she was playing games. text messages accusing me of having a new lover, being a * * * * *.

last saturday she brings a new guy home, i saw it

texted her all the things she said to me

had the guy call me from her phone. crushed me.

2 weeks before that shes calling me, then she screws a new guy. she was playing me

i think if i had fought harder when she came over, i didnt beg for her back, maybe things will be different.

 

but its definitely over now.

go NC. her last message to me sunday moring Its over dude. we are done

 

i hurt bad but after that night i can move on

[possibiliti]

i hurt bad but after that night i can move on

 

Look at the bright side, at least now you have a direction - going forward. You are not lost and confused anymore. Sometimes, I wish I could have a clear cut realization like this. Long term or short term pain, anyway it is just heartache.

 

Even though we want to stay, what is there to hold on to?? Moving on is the only way out.

[ShatteredMan]

Shamus: Stay strong, brother. I'm in the same spot. It has been excruciating in terms of pain.

 

Here's my story:

 

I was with a woman for 9 months (but had known and been good friends with for about ten years before and is my neighbor upstairs, I know....). I was convinced that I wanted marry her and that I could live my life and never think about another woman.

 

Our emotional levels were different through out the relationship. I fell madly, head-over-heels in love with her more each day. I wore my heart on my sleeve, didn't withhold any feelings, spent lavishly on entertainment and gifts, etc. to show her that I could be a good provider and the ideal man.

 

Unfortunately, the fear of losing her (for any reason whatsoever) started to creep into me and I started to make tactical errors in the relationship. I texted her all the time, was asking how she was feeling about our relationship, came up to her apartment everyday after work, proposed the idea of buying a house together in preparation that she would one day marry me. All mistakes. It must have driven her nuts and made it seem like I was assuming a more "feminine" role in the relationship in terms of being highly emotional and not more logical.

 

After about seven months, I heard the need for "space" coming from her. I tried but I was hooked like a junkie on her. She meant everything in the world to me and with the emotional mindset of "I must not be doing enough to convince her that I love her and that she should love me back!", I started to overpursue even more.

 

Eventually, she would want to spend her nights and weekends after work up in her apartment. Excuses like, "Its been a long week and I just want to unwind on my own" and similar statements were used to justify why we weren't spending time together. I began to resent this behavior and then started pulling back on my own.

 

We began to only spend time together once or twice a week. My resentment began to increase due to the tactics that she was employing. Friends and family warned me of these red flags but my heart was still set on proving that I could "be her everything".

 

As this was happening, I decided to throw her a birthday party with the help of one of her friends. She had never had a better birthday experience and that night we made love, spent the night together and it seemed like this was the experience that I had always wanted in terms of emotional and physical reciprocation and that had been missing from our relationship. Little did I know, that this epic night would be our last together.......

 

She then reverted to her absenteeism and my frustration returned. She also started going to wine tastings frequently with her girlfriends, which she had done before our relationship, but would never invite me because it was "girls night out".

 

After spending only a handful of times together after that, we went out to walk her dog after a night of trivia with my friends. I told her that my emotional level had dropped due to her pulling away and that I didn't see any point in continuing. It didn't hurt that much to say and she didn't put up a fight either. She started acknowledging that she hadn't treated me well and that thought it was due to "bad timing" citing coming out of another relationship (BS - it had been two years prior, but had been long term), the death of key figures in her life (mother, grandmother), etc. I noticed that she only started to tear up when she mentioned her mother/grandmother which wasn't a good sign either....

 

So it was over and I figured that it would just take sometime for her to straighten herself out. I did my own thing but definitely did some cyber stalking and kept on eye on when she was coming and going from her place. I went no contact during this time period after reading about it, hoping it might bring her around. Previous girlfriends always called me or reached out but she did not.....

 

After about 5 weeks on a Monday night, I heard her dog barking upstairs at another dog and some people talking. I popped out of my apartment just in time to see her walk down the stairs all dressed up and a guy following her. As our eyes locked on each other, I froze. She had a look that I will never forget as long as I live, like she had just been caught stealing something.

 

As they walked off, I had a panic attack for the first time in my life. I didn't sleep or eat for about three days after that. I literally had been shattered to the core (hence the screen name, LOL) and then began a four month process of grief.

 

How could she move on this quickly? I began to scrutinize everything about him as if I were doing a tactical analysis on an enemy. What I didn't realize is that my anger was not with him but with her at the time.

 

The new guy is an older man who is the main host of the wine tastings she started going to. I'm sure that when she was losing interest in me, this guy was working/waiting for her to be free of me so he could sweep in.....

 

I went into a massive tailspin of depression, insomnia and OCD - always waiting and watching when she was coming and going. It was hell. I fantasized about what I would say if I would "run into her" (which I was constantly trying to do) and if it were the right things to win her back. This was all wasted energy.

 

I started "working on myself" in the form of hitting the gym as often as possible and doing cardio, changing my diet (cut carbs, processed sugars, cold turkey -soda, coffee, fried foods), reading tons of self help books, started attending church and reading the Bible, etc......anything and everything to stop obsessing about her and to stop the indescribable pain. It helped, but I still couldn't stop obsessing about her....

 

Eventually, after wearing out all my friends with this story and obsessing about her constantly, I sought therapy (of which I'm still doing). I started seeing a therapist about once every 2-3 weeks for the past four months. It hasn't been easy and I've really had to take a long, hard look at the fantasy that I built up around her, the pedestal that I put her on (that she didn't deserve) and the damage that this ego-driven situation has done to me as a man.

 

Despite dating multiple women now, I'm still missing her and wondering if we'll reconnect some way, despite living only feet away from each other. I'll go through a few weeks of not looking to see if she's home at night or his car being there, but I fell off the wagon last night and checked to see if she was home. She came home at 7am this morning which says to me that she's still involved with him.