First childporn and then panties...

[seroyla]

How do you get over the distrust and anger issues associated to finding out your ex not only looked at child porn on a regular basis, then went to the extreme of buying panties from other girls from the internet, and then me finding out he'd been trying to arrange times to meet women he'd been chatting with online to get their panties personally?

 

I've been so angry about these things for over a year and I feel like I just can't trust any guy anymore. He and I had been together for 3 years prior the break-up. He is 33 and I am 27.

 

When he and I try to talk about it so I can work out my anger issues, he always defends himself as these being normal things most guys with normal sexual appetites do online....and well, that just compounds my distrust in him and in most "normal" guys and their "normal" activities online. And in the end of our conversation it either winds up being a huge argument that I feel like I'm the loser and a prude, and it only compounds my anger issues.

 

I've been seeing a therapist since June of 2005 trying to stop having these issues... and she was the one who suggested I try to talk to him to find some closure on the issue.... but it's really not working.

 

How can I find closure, and find a way to forgive him? How do I resolve these anger and trust issues before they sabotage any future intimate relationship?

 

Thanks for any advice......

[Scout]

What advice can I give you that you don't already know yourself? Of course an interest in child porn isn't normal. Of course soliciting panties from strangers isn't normal.

 

And since it's not normal, it stands to reason the majority of men don't practice this kind of sexually deviant behavior. The odds of meeting someone who does is pretty slim, actually, and it would seem some red flags would be visible pretty early on.

 

thereforeeee, I don't think you should worry that most men will end up having these abnormal desires.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

OMG, Child porn and buy panties online are NOT the norm for most guys. Honestly, the guy sounds like a complete freak who should be locked up. Child porn is illegal after all.... I would venture to say that 99.9% of men out there are nothing like him. As for the panties from strangers. My god... That's more than a little disgusting really. And this is coming from a guy who no one in thier right mind would ever call a "prude".

 

As for closure and forgiving him. Closure with this might only come with time. As for forgiving him, sorry I don't see why you would need too. He's not DESERVING of your forgiveness.

 

Please hold onto the fact that he has a problem and was lying to you to make it sound like this is normal for all guys. It's not and I'm sure you'll find out soon when people start to reply to this post.

[seroyla]

Unfortunately, the last three guys I've had long term relationships also had issues involving porn and meeting and having sex with other women they've chatted with online-- so I really don't have a basis of what "normal" guys do online.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Unfortunately, the last three guys I've had long term relationships also had issues involving porn and meeting and having sex with other women they've chatted with online-- so I really don't have a basis of what "normal" guys do online.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. Normal guys might look at porn, they might not. It all depends on the guy. Me, I do at times, but if I had a girlfriend who didn't approve of it I would stop (and have in the past). After all, what's better, paper/computer screen or the real thing? I'll take someone who cares for me 100% of the time.

 

As for the guys having sex with other women they've chatted with online. Sorry, but they're scum. I'm sorry that these guys are our representation towards you about the male gender. Not all guys cheat, just like not all women cheat. It's all about the person. Myself, I'd never cheat and never help someone cheat. It's just who I am.

 

Nice guys do exist. Have faith in that.

[Scout]

Ok, if you're experiencing this repeatedly, you're going to have to ask yourself some hard questions. Are you putting yourself in the same situation over and over on a subconscious level? Where and how are you meeting these guys?

 

This is troubling. Cheating is not the norm.

 

If you're meeting guys online, maybe that's part of the problem, at least for you. I'm not saying all online relationships are doomed, many are quite healthy. But if you repeatedly get involved with men who meet other women online, you should at least try to start meeting men who don't use the computer that much!

[Dako]

It's surprising your therapist would suggest talking to your ex. Maybe someone else can chime in on this.

 

For the record, most guys have other things on their mind that child porn or old laundry, especially if they have a gf. I try to be open minded about sex, but your ex is a perv.

[Bethany]

Never mind the panties.....

 

Childporn - Sick man with an unhealthy mind, can never to be trusted, never to be left alone with children. You can't even consider a future with someone like that. You would never be able to let him take your child to school for fear of him 'looking' at children in that way or your own child for that matter. Who cares what excuses he uses....This man is a possible paedophile and the police could be on the way around his house at any moment for having that kind of porn on his computer. Dump him immediately, and Move on.

[avman]

She already did dump him. He's her "ex". She's trying to figure out how to get past what happened.

 

If talking to him isn't helping you at all, then I'd discontinue. It sounds like it is only bringing you more anger and more pain. Tell the therapist that didn't work.

 

I'm at work right now but later on I'll post a few things about forgiveness that might help you.

[Dako]

avman,

Is talking to the ex a logical way to resolve this? I find it puzzling.

[Bethany]

She obviously can't let him go because she wants to forgive him. A word of advice for her.... you'll never work him out, he ain't normal, he's a sick minded maggot. Don't forgive him.Looking at childporn is something you SHOULDN'T forgive him for. He's not worthy. He's a pervert. And I stand by what I said. Dump him and move on.

[frenchie]

These are not "normal" things for a guy to do, he is trying to undermine you and in doing so not have to take responsibility for his actions. Youve just been unlucky with the guys you have met. There is a way to find closure you ditch him and run for your life!! there is NO excuse for child porn and like others have said would you really feel comfortable having a future with him when you know about this?

Spend some time working on your self esteem sounds like its taken a bit of a battering lately. Focus on you, people can only undermine you if you let them. Be strong and good luck

[avman]

avman,

Is talking to the ex a logical way to resolve this? I find it puzzling.

 

Well seroyla posted that her therapist suggested it. It is certainly one way to provide closure, but in this case I'm not so sure I'd recommend it. With someone controlling and unbalanced like that I don't know why the therapist suggested it.

 

I have heard of cases where someone who is raped or otherwise traumatized actually meeting with the offender (usually in prison) to try to bring some closure. I don't know how well it works though.

[RandomAdvisor]

Maybe reporting this pedophile to the police and having them raid his kiddie porn stash will provide some closure? Just a thought.

 

If he really is looking at child pornography, that's illegal. He might be a danger to children and society at large would be better off with him behind bars.

 

Are you certain this is child porn as opposed to teen porn featuring people over the age of 18?

[ElektraHere]

I don't know how you could get closure by talking to him. He has a problem and what he does is not normal nor is it legal. Men that have those fixations seem to live in another reality and they believe their own lies and make others around them meaning you think that something is wrong within you. I know this because I dated a guy who was kinda like your ex and he lied incessantly. He made me think I was the crazy one. What did I do for closure well I had to let time pass, the anger to come, and the belief in myself return. Its not fully here yet but I am getting there. You know what I could careless where he is, what he is, or if he may be rotting in jail right now. I have got my closure and talking to him wouldnt have given me that.

[spunkykatt]

Hum...I think I know how to give this relationship closure.. Contact the local authorities and fill them in on what he is up to, I mean if he is trying to meet these young girls in real life then he is a predator and needs to be gotten off the streets. I have 2 young daughters and I wouldnt hesitate one minute about reporting him. Why would you even want to work out your anger issues with him is beyond me, your angery for a reason...and its because you know its WRONG what he is doing, and your gut wont let you think anything different. If you know he has a thing with child porn then you should feel enough rage to want to protect all those innocent children that he preys upon. I dont think you will ever be able to come to terms with his behavior, and I think sometimes thats how it is suppose to be, simply because if we try and deal with things like that and rationalize our anger then we become desensitized to it, and eventually will see no fault in it. So let your anger show you what you need to do, and show him that he cant do those things and think society will be accepting of it as normal.

[confusedmama]

He sounds like a sexual/porn addict. The lying, manipulating, covering-up, making himself seem normal, blaming you are all signs of this addiction. I have done much reading and studying as i was, am still at this time, married to one for 15 years.

 

There is nothing you can do to change him, make him realize your pain or even expect him to see there is a problem. As with other addictions, he has to hit rock bottom before he'll look for a way out. Trying to talk to him about your pain will not help you as he will continue to turn the tables and make you feel as if you are the one with the problem.

 

The only way I've started, and by no means am I finished, to forgive is to look at it as a sickness and while he has choices and makes his own decisions I am NOT responsible for those decisions nor for the repercussions that come from bad choices. I don't have to like him and my boundaries have to be up but I can feel sorry for him (when I get past the anger).

 

With the grace of the belief I can't fix it, it's not my job, I can forgive. At least today. Tomorrow may be different, but take it one day at a time, one issue at a time. Forgive yourself first for the relationship then the rest will happen.

[dizziest]

I am abit younger than him but I can promise you, buying womens panties and looking at child porn is not a thing "normal" guys do.

 

That ex of yours needs help imo.

[ShySoul]

seroyla,

 

If it helps I'm a guy who is disturbed by the very thought of child porn and wouldn't dream of buying panties online like that. And you have other guys on her saying the same thing. Focus on that.

 

Ok, if you're experiencing this repeatedly, you're going to have to ask yourself some hard questions. Are you putting yourself in the same situation over and over on a subconscious level? Where and how are you meeting these guys?

 

This is troubling. Cheating is not the norm.

 

If you're meeting guys online, maybe that's part of the problem, at least for you. I'm not saying all online relationships are doomed, many are quite healthy. But if you repeatedly get involved with men who meet other women online, you should at least try to start meeting men who don't use the computer that much!

 

I'm with Scout on this one. If this has happened before, then are you looking in the wrong place or subconsciously picking out a guy with similar traits? For some reason you are seeking out guys who are like this. Do you have any idea why?

[hopeful2]

As much as I hate to say it, I had a similar situation with a man. I only found out about the child porn when the police came to take away his computer because someone had reported him (he had been contacting young girls). In his defense, I think the aftermath completely shocked him out of his fantasy because I have never seen anyone so depressed or terrified about what the future holds. Again, like you he tried to tell me that it was normal and that all men see the sexual nature of young girls. How much of this is true, I don't want to think about and it messed be up pretty badly and I ended up on anti depressants and having councelling. Even now, I hear his voice in my head telling me that all men are doing it. I thought I was a good judge of character and blamed myself for not realising what he was doing. It all makes sense now; the dodgy phonecalls at night, the times he used the internet for ages but wouldn't let me see what he was doing...but my councellor helped me to understand that these sort of people are good at hiding information which could damage them. Your councellor is wrong if they believe you can make it work with someone who is still involved in that behaviour.

To cut a very long story sort, now I am away from my ex and I see that what he did was definitely not normal. My ex is now on the sex offenders register.

Do yourself a huge favour and get out of this relationship. If he believes that what he is doing is normal then you have very little chance of making him see how it really is. Do you really want to live with that?