I've always feared being the CHEATING type

[Mia555]

My Boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, and we have been and still are madly in love. We are always together and care for eachother like crazy. But… Recently, a new guy came to school who really caught my interest and I am developing and mad obsession with him. I don’t know why it began but I absolutely hate myself for it. I dress up in the morning for him, go to wherever I think he is, and pretty much STALK HIM within the school! I even fantasize about him and everything. And the worst part is... it is a 2-way attraction. we flirt.

 

It is getting out of hand and I tell myself, “don’t worry… let yourself be attracted. It’s fun… and you are not stupid enough to CHEAT on your boyfriend.” But I am afraid that one day I will lose self-control, because I am a VERY impulsive person. But I can’t help it--- this whole crush is so exciting… and I am so attracted! I am still extremely attracted to my boyfriend, but with this new guy- it is a FRESH attraction that sends shivers down my body when I see him. But it is not worth ruining my relationship- and I need major help.

 

How can I stop being attracted to this guy? How can I control my actions such as following him, staying up really late talking to him online, thinking/fantasizing about him??? HOW CAN I CONTROL MY DESIRE TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM!? I already know that I cannot continue these actions because what I have now with my man is incredible… but even with that thought imbedded into my mind, it is not enough to stop this little obsession because it is just so exciting. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE CHEATING TYPE!!!! I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!!!

 

PS: tell me if its ok for me to stick with my attraction to him, but just draw the line at cheating and control myself not to cross that line. because i really cannot stay away from this guy... my school is tiny.

 

HELP PLEASE

-M

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Simple. You just need to limit your contact with him as much as humanly possible. First off, STOP FLIRTING WITH HIM. As long as you see him and you both flirt with each other, the attraction will never go away.

 

Sure, he may think you've turned mean, but honestly, what's worse? Having a guy who you hardly know dislike you or destroying your boyfriend when you eventually end up in bed with this other guy.

 

Really, it's not such a hard choice. I know I've done it a few times and I've never regretted doing what was nessecary to be true to the one I'm with.

[TiredMan]

There is no real way to stop it. Some people just shouldn't be in relationships for this reason. Obviously, something "new" always has that bit of excitement but when someone ends up taking it to it's limits to see how far they can go, well it's like playing with fire.

 

Honestly? You probably have to completely stay away from the new guy and tell him you have a boyfriend. And then stay away from it COMPLETELY.

[yeawutever]

By reminding urself over and over that if u really love ur b/f then u would never cheat. Ever thought of going to counseling, u might have unsolved issues.

[annie24]

Everytime you are tempted to cheat, look at a photo of your bf and ask yourself if you are willing to lose him.

[RayKay]

Remove yourself from the situation.

 

That means stop flirting with him, talking to him, and these other behaviours that are only furthering a relationship. While you may not have been physical with him, you are emotionally betraying your boyfriend, and many would call that an emotional affair.

 

You are responsible for your own choices. There is nothin "karmic" that is going to force you to cheat. The things you do that lead up to that choice are also in your control. The premise is simple..instead of doing those things that are betraying your boyfriend, you choose the ones that aren't....simple in theory, but it takes YOU making that choice.

 

Or if you can't stop it, let your boyfriend go so he can be with someone whom will be honest and committed to him, and you can be free to flirt and pursue this other guy. Of course, then realize you will have lost your boyfriend and you can't run back and forth.

[Frajhav]

Id say, u got 2 options

1)go with this guy,have fun and probably taking the chanses that he will eventually be an * * * or maby not,lose your BF and hope for the best

2)stay with the man you love so much,remember why u love hem and your trust on hem

 

Life issent about whos better and whos not thing is u will allways find someone better in a way but it happeneds,if u cant control ur self ...forget aboutrelationships...go have random sex and enjoy life at what u can in that way couse having a relation with you ould be you breaking ever guys hart you find or viceversa

[Mia555]

you're kidding right? ur actually sayin a valid option for me would be to just dump my true love JUST like that? all those memories down the drain? all that wasted love? ...thanks for helpin the situation.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

The only other option would be to completely cut the crush out of your life completely. If you really want to be true to the true love of your life, you know you have to.

[Dako]

If I were your guy, I'd prefer getting dumped to being cheated on.

You might just be too immature to have a monogomous relationship, if you can't take responsibility for your wandering eye.

 

The next phase might include, " Well, we had some drinks and one thing led to another" or "My BF gets so jealous of me...heehee!"

 

Sorry, but you just sound like you're not serious. That's not a bad thing if nobody gets hurt, but you're playing with fire, and your guy might get the burns.

[BellaDonna]

I agree with RayKay.

 

You need to cut off contact with this guy. You know you're playing with fire.

 

If you really and truly don't want to cheat- and you really want to have a future with your boyfriend- this sacrifice should be an easy one to make. Forget the other guy.

 

Maybe you should put a locket around your neck with your boyfriend's photo in it. If you are tempted to communicate with this guy again- open that locket- and take a good look at who you'll hurt.

 

If you don't want a relationship with your boyfriend- then be honest and let him go.

 

Cheating is low. You don't have to do it. Every human being has free will.

 

BellaDonna

[WildChild]

PS: tell me if its ok for me to stick with my attraction to him, but just draw the line at cheating and control myself not to cross that line. because i really cannot stay away from this guy... my school is tiny.

 

HELP PLEASE

-M

 

Your subject line is "I've always feared being the cheating kind." Reading that and your whole post, no it will not be o.k. to stick with your attraction to him because you yourself admit you may at some point be tempted to have sex with him. You may not be able to control avoiding him, however you are able to control yourself and your flirting. It's good that you are acknowledging these feelings to yourself, however you know as well as anyone else that light flirting can and often does lead to more than just that. In your situation it is not just flirting you are admittingly following him, dressing for him etc.... You may love your bf but you must really look within your soul and decide if you are ready to be in a committed relationship and that you have a few more oats to sow. It is better to come to that realization than come to the realization that you ended up taking the flirting further and broke someone that you care abouts heart by cheating. Also as a thought, you may find this exciting because this guy you are attracted to is flirting back. Maybe the pursuit wouldn't be as fun if he didn't do the same. People come accross attractive people everyday but it is like going into a china shop: Pretty to look at but don't touch unless you are ready to pay the full price for it.

[BellaDonna]

People come accross attractive people everyday but it is like going into a china shop: Pretty to look at but don't touch unless you are ready to pay the full price for it.

 

That's a great analogy WildChild!

 

I think it's most important to realize that there is indeed a price/consequence to pay whenever cheating is involved.IT's not something to take lightly- though the excitement and newness of it blurs all of that.

 

This doesn't sound like innocent flirting either- there are clear sexual desires, and it's creating an internal conflict. But acting on those desires while already in a relationship would be a gigantic mistake.

 

 

BellaDonna

[TiredMan]

you're kidding right? ur actually sayin a valid option for me would be to just dump my true love JUST like that? all those memories down the drain? all that wasted love? ...thanks for helpin the situation.

 

If it was your true love, then you wouldn't put THAT MUCH effort into flirting with the new guy. You said you wake up and do things in antacipation of seeing this guy and flirt back and forth on top of it. Cmon.

[annie24]

you're kidding right? ur actually sayin a valid option for me would be to just dump my true love JUST like that? all those memories down the drain? all that wasted love? ...thanks for helpin the situation.

 

Yeah, of course it's an option. I'd rather be dumped than cheated on also, like Dako said.

 

If he is your true love, why are you contemplating cheating on him? If he isn't making you happy, maybe you should let him go and see what else is out there.

 

But, if he is making you happy and you want to stay, don't cheat. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE gets tempted at some point or another, even the couples in the most committed relationships. But, you have free will, you can resist your temptations.

[bleeder]

No army of demons can march through the gates, if they weren't open in the first place. Do what you must; walk away before it's too late. Our acts are based on our consciousness and governed by our conscience. You are not helpless in this, and don't let human weaknesses cause you further misery.

 

Cherish your boyfriend, and live a guilt free relationship.

[Mia555]

If it was your true love, then you wouldn't put THAT MUCH effort into flirting with the new guy. You said you wake up and do things in antacipation of seeing this guy and flirt back and forth on top of it. Cmon.

 

Everyone has their own definition of love. I know my boyfriend is my true love because I have been in many relationships, and I so strongly see this one in my future. I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. About the other guy- I don't see him in my future at all! It's just a strong physical attraction, nothing emotional.

so you see? i KNOW i will never cheat on my boyfriend.... but i guess the question that im trying to ask is--- is it still ok to have a strong physical attraction to someone else?

[DN]

But I am afraid that one day I will lose self-control, because I am a VERY impulsive person. But I can't help it--- this whole crush is so exciting…

 

Yes, indeed you can help it. Don't excuse yourself in advance with this sort of statement. You are not a helpless victim here - you are a sentient human being in charge of your own life and responsible for every decision you make. Including a decision to cheat.

 

So make a decision not to cheat.

 

Yes, it's that simple!!

[Dako]

I dress up in the morning for him, go to wherever I think he is, and pretty much STALK HIM within the school! I even fantasize about him and everything. And the worst part is... it is a 2-way attraction. we flirt....But I can't help it--- this whole crush is so exciting… and I am so attracted! I am still extremely attracted to my boyfriend, but with this new guy- it is a FRESH attraction that sends shivers down my body when I see him. ...How can I control my actions such as following him, staying up really late talking to him online, thinking/fantasizing about him???

 

This is more than just an attraction. Show this post to your BF and ask him. He'll tell you.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Physical attraction to other people is normal. It happens with everyone at one point or another. The trick is to not act on those attractions if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with the one your with. That INCLUDES flirting, dressing just for them, following them around, etc. Once you start doing that, you move into dangerous territory. Cheating becomes a very real possibility. After all, when was the last time you heard of two people who don't even talk to each other having an affair? Not very often I imagine. It's OK to look but that's about it if you're in a relationship.

 

It's like WildChild's analogy (great one by the way, I'm going to steal it from ya and use it).

 

People come accross attractive people everyday but it is like going into a china shop: Pretty to look at but don't touch unless you are ready to pay the full price for it.

[Dannysgirl]

From what you've said I really don't get the impression that your boyfriend is the love of your life. If he truly was this other guy would not even have hit your radar, much less have you staying up late messaging with him and dressing up for him.

If you really don't want to cheat on your boyfriend why are you trying to make yourself more attractive for this other guy? Just what is the point of dressing up and flirting if you don't want it to go further? I think it would be kinder to end it with your boyfriend and go out and 'sow your oats' as another poster put it because I don't think you're quite ready to settle down with just one person yet.

Even if you don't do anything with this guy, it seems that you are really curious about what else is out there and who knows you might develop a crush on somebody else in a few weeks/months time. There's nothing wrong with that, its natural and you will have to get it out of your system before you decide you want comittment because it can end up interfering with your relationship down the road.

[TiredMan]

Everyone has their own definition of love. I know my boyfriend is my true love because I have been in many relationships, and I so strongly see this one in my future. I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. About the other guy- I don't see him in my future at all! It's just a strong physical attraction, nothing emotional.

so you see? i KNOW i will never cheat on my boyfriend.... but i guess the question that im trying to ask is--- is it still ok to have a strong physical attraction to someone else?

 

This is not true. You said you stalk the guy, go to where you think he is, dress for him, talk to him online late nights and so forth and so forth. That is not just thinking someone is physically appealing, that is borderline cheating and definitely emotionally cheating.

 

Would you like it if your b/f was doing all these things for some other girl?

[Cecelius]

Options

 

1. Break up with your b/f (for the reasons stated by TiredMan).

 

2. Tell your b/f about the attraction so he's at least on notice that you are cheating on him (if I was in HS and my g/f was getting dressed up for another guy, the relationship is dead).

 

3. Bear strongly in mind that if you DO cross any lines with this guy, it will get out and your reputation in your tiny school will colapse and you will become virtually undatable by anyone.

[novaseeker]

See this is why I've always considered extended flirting to be cheating, because it leads directly to these kinds of internal conflicts. Flirting is just that: flirting with the chemical/sexual attraction between two people, and of course that inherently is enjoyable and makes us feel good and affirmed, but at the same time eats away at where we ought to be focusing our effort when it comes to attraction: our partner.

 

Of course, we're always attracted to others, that doesn't ever go away. The issue, however, is what to do about that. In my mind it's fine to look once and appreciate beauty or something like that, but when it goes beyond that, when it gets to flirting with someone to whom you are attracted it's very, very bad news, and a big red flag.

 

I'd recommend just removing yourself from this situation. You're quickly sliding down the slope towards full-blown sexual infidelity. If you care for your BF, you won't do this.

[Scottyeatsk]

Maybe ur not ready for commitment yet, in that case, continue being single. Seriously all u have to do is control those urges, they aren't gonna get u no where.