C'Mon now..seriously...do they EVER kill themselves for real??

[itry]

As many times as i have tried to leave this disfunctional reslationship of mine, he must have threatened death, misery and self-loathe on me dozens of times. there comes a time when all i can do is laugh at his tears...not because im a spiteful b-i-t-c-h but becasue I HAVE HEARD IT A HUNDRED TIMES! and each time, ive come back...only to experience "good-times" for about..ohhh...i dunno..a month or so? and then back to the same B.S. of "why are u wearing that? u cant wear a skirt out!! if u wear a skirt out then ur looking for attention!!" or "who are u on the other line with? why is he calling you?? did u ever sleep with him??" or "THERES NO way that u were studying for 2hours!! people dont do that!!"

 

UGH. if its not one thing its another. i tried to comfort him, with his depression...but he'll gamble away his money or spend on STUPID things then cry about being broke afterwards.

 

He's gotten violent....ok..its eased up now..but geez...i think itll start up again later on...he's CHEATED ON ME UGHHHH and i found out through the other girl.

 

I AM TRYING TO LEAVE HIM BUT HE HAS LEFT ME 7 VOICE MAILS, SEVERAL INSTANT MESSAGES AND TEXT MESSAGES AND I THINK HE WILL TRY TO SEE ME LATER ON TODAY. EACH VOICE MAIL IS SAD, WEEPY AND SUICIDAL. IN CONTRAST TO HIS INSTANT MESSAGES WHICH ARE NASTY AND HURTFUL AND HIS TXT MESSAGES ARE A MIXTURE.

 

HE SAID I AM CRUEL AND NEVER LOVED HIM TO LEAVE HIM RIGHT BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS AND RIGHT BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY. HE SAYS I MUST BE SEEING SOMEONE ELSE THEN.

 

I CANT TAKE MORE OF THIS AND IM AFRAID IF HE FINDS OUT THAT IM USING HIS VOICE MAILS FOR AMUSEMENT HE WILL PROBABLY THROW ME ACCROSS THE ROOM OR SPIT ON MY FACE.

 

WHAT DO I DO????

[PocoDiablo]

C'Mon now..seriously...do they EVER kill themselves for real??

In my expereince? Nope. Not once. Never happened to me. Is this your lucky day? Could be.

 

What's really going on here? Oh, it is very simple. He is acting like a dog. And I mean a dog in the literal sense. Never had a dog? Okay, let me explain:

 

Dogs are social animals and cannot stand to be left alone. If you do leave them alone or ignore them, they will do whatever they can do to get attention. My dog, when he was a puppy, would go over to another dog and bark and bounce up and down and all that stuff. If the dog ignored him, he'd *literally* bite the other dog on the nose! Usually that would get the dog's attention, and my dog would turn and run away with the other dog in hot pursuit! Woohoo look at them go.

 

Notice this is NEGATIVE attention, but it works nonetheless.

 

Your man is doing the same thing, and it's because you are - face it - getting bit on the nose! He's having a great time controlling you, because you have no self-control to speak of. All he has to do is say or do something mean (which is unpredictable and exciting; a very attractive trait to women to see in men) and you're back in his life. You're a sucker because you BELIEVE him. He would say anything to get a rise, a response, out of you. That's why nothing makes any sense. It's a cheap trick, and you've fallen for it 100%.

 

Remember what your parents told you when you were younger? If someone is teasing you, just ignore them.

 

SOLUTION:

It's called the "Broken Record" although NC (No Contact) is better. Next time he calls, you pick just one sentence you are going to tell him for the rest of your life. Something like "I am very sorry, but your behavior is a big turn off and I can no longer talk to you. Good bye." Hang up, walk away, whatever. Delete all voicemail/email/IMs. Do NOT deviate from that response, not even ONCE! No matter WHAT he says or does, just that one line. After a week or two, he'll get the clue. If you deviate at ALL, he'll come back with 200% force. You only get one chance to do it right, okay?

[RayKay]

Okay, well I do know of a couple cases where it DID happen, but they were naturally suicidal to begin with, and they did not THREATEN it. In my experience those most likely to commit suicide are not the ones whom will go around announcing it to the world or as a manipulative tactic. They are quite serious and underwhelmed about it.

 

And in those cases, there is probably very little the other person could of done, even if they had stayed...something would of eventually caused a crisis that led to it.

 

I think your ex is using it as a manipulative tactic. Pure and simple. This is evidenced by his past history, his manipulation, verbal abuse, need for control and dominance and the fact he is SO vocal about it.

 

Poco is right, right now he is using scare tactis and manipulation to get your attention, and get you back in his control. Because he already knows you deserve better and the only way he can get you back is by using fear tactics as they have been proven to work in the past with you. Well, until this time. Because THIS time, you are going to block his calls, or change your number, and go into no contact. You are going to call your family and friends and tell him what he is doing, you are going to under NO circumstances meet him alone. If he shows up at your door when you ARE home alone, and starts pounding on it, have the phone in your hand, do NOT answer the door, and if he starts trying to get in...you are going to call the police, a neighbour, and then a family member/friend IMMEDIATELY and not let him in. If he is just standing out there whining, call the neighbour and the family member at the very least (one whom can be there soon).

[Beec]

If he means it, should that mean you should be held hostage by that threat for the rest of your life? I'd hope not.

[PocoDiablo]

If he shows up at your door when you ARE home alone, and starts pounding on it, have the phone in your hand, do NOT answer the door, and if he starts trying to get in...you are going to call the police, a neighbour, and then a family member/friend IMMEDIATELY and not let him in. If he is just standing out there whining, call the neighbour and the family member at the very least (one whom can be there soon).

If he starts stalking you, there is a very simple solution.

 

Quite simply, do NOT pull back or pull away. I know this sounds crazy, but it's STILL negative attention, and that is what he wants.

 

Use the same line on him, maybe roll your eyes at him. You might even let him in, but just say the same thing. Have everyone else say the same thing. Be polite, be nice, but do not engage any conversation.

 

If you are fearful of him, he will get something out of it - control. Instead, BORE him to death. He wants excitement - don't give it to him!

[RayKay]

If he starts stalking you, there is a very simple solution.

 

Quite simply, do NOT pull back or pull away. I know this sounds crazy, but it's STILL negative attention, and that is what he wants.

 

Use the same line on him, maybe roll your eyes at him. You might even let him in, but just say the same thing. Have everyone else say the same thing. Be polite, be nice, but do not engage any conversation.

 

If you are fearful of him, he will get something out of it - control. Instead, BORE him to death. He wants excitement - don't give it to him!

 

The very fact that she herself said in her first post he has gotten violent though and can see it starting up again, that he controls what she wears, does, sees....indicates she needs to protect herself even if it means calling the police. Whether it gives him attention or not, the fact is her life comes first. She should NOT let him in.

 

He's an abuser.

[RandomAdvisor]

As many times as i have tried to leave this disfunctional reslationship of mine, he must have threatened death, misery and self-loathe on me dozens of times. there comes a time when all i can do is laugh at his tears...not because im a spiteful b-i-t-c-h but becasue I HAVE HEARD IT A HUNDRED TIMES! and each time, ive come back...only to experience "good-times" for about..ohhh...i dunno..a month or so?

You said it sister! This is exactly why you should leave and never look back when problems like this start. When they start threatening suicide if you leave them, then you know it's really over. And if you come back? The good times don't last.

 

 

UGH. if its not one thing its another. i tried to comfort him, with his depression...but he'll gamble away his money or spend on STUPID things then cry about being broke afterwards.

There's only so much you can do with someone exhibiting this kind of self destructive behavior. If they don't want to help themselves, you can't help them. No point in staying and letting them drag you down.

 

 

He's gotten violent....ok..its eased up now..but geez...i think itll start up again later on...he's CHEATED ON ME UGHHHH and i found out through the other girl.

Those are both deal breakers right there. Glad you're on your way out.

 

I AM TRYING TO LEAVE HIM BUT HE HAS LEFT ME 7 VOICE MAILS, SEVERAL INSTANT MESSAGES AND TEXT MESSAGES AND I THINK HE WILL TRY TO SEE ME LATER ON TODAY. EACH VOICE MAIL IS SAD, WEEPY AND SUICIDAL. IN CONTRAST TO HIS INSTANT MESSAGES WHICH ARE NASTY AND HURTFUL AND HIS TXT MESSAGES ARE A MIXTURE.

Add him to your block list for the instant messages and e-mails. Those are easy. As for the voice mails and text messages, if it's not too much trouble you should have your # changed, and only give the new # to people you know wont give it to him.

 

 

 

I CANT TAKE MORE OF THIS AND IM AFRAID IF HE FINDS OUT THAT IM USING HIS VOICE MAILS FOR AMUSEMENT HE WILL PROBABLY THROW ME ACCROSS THE ROOM OR SPIT ON MY FACE.

 

WHAT DO I DO????

I can understand if you find his pleading amusing and comical at this point, but what do you mean you're using them for amusement? Playing them over and over again, or playing them for friends? Don't. The best thing is NC. You shouldn't listen to them at all. Just delete them.

[zcloud]

No one can force you to do anything unless you let them and every person is responsible for his/her own life. Be with him only if you want to be. If not leave, if he kills himself that is his choice but it has nothing to do with you. People need to have a reason for living besides another person, and if they don't they need to find help. Provide him with numbers to a Klinic or psychologist and leave. If he threatens suicide, threaten to committ him to a mental institution where they can help people like him, if you have these threats in email send them to his parents and let them save the life of their son; this behavior is ridiculous. - zcloud

[itry]

thats RayKay and Poco...

thanks u guys. i think the fact that im utterly numb from the "whining" helps....

 

i will use Broken Record technique because NC is probably not going to work since his parents live down the block...

 

he'll survive.....i HAVE started deleting the msgs because..its eery...ive heard them ALL in the past.

 

i feel creul leaving him..but thats what he wants me to feel. im tired of babysitting a 34year old...im too young for this drama...

 

 

thx everyone else. 4 the words. easier said than done...but i think..this time..im actually one of thos people on enotalone who will actually take the good advice given

[PlayBrat]

A 34 year old man acting like a 2 year old having a temper tantrum is what it boils down to. I don't blame you for feeling fed up. This guy needs serious help. I pity people like that....and if you stay thats exactly the reason you'd be doing it. Men like that only get worse and the more you

give in to them ...the more control they will try to wield.

 

You deserve to be happy....and you will never have happiness with this man. Ever.

 

Glad you've decided to leave him...best of luck and be safe.

[Meow18]

You choose how your life goes. Do you really want to be a victim to this guy? In my opinion, it's just a waste. He might claim to love you and he might say he's sorry when he hurts you, but actions speak louder than words.

 

He's not going to change without serious help. Nothing you can do will change him. So stop worrying about him. YOu need to worry about you and your life. This guy is dangerous and it will only get worse.

 

I agree with Raykay. Don't let this guy near you when you are alone. Don't even listen to his messages anymore because they will just be the same thing over and over. And you don't need to feel guilty for trying to protect yourself.

 

Just try to remember what you deserve in life. You deserve to be respected and feel safe.