Lil Eddie Posted September 6, 2005 Share Posted September 6, 2005 SuperDave you are giving some awesome advice. Just reading makes me realize that i cannot do anything about the situation. What do you suggest when you you care so much for this girl but all we are now are friends which i get the feeling is changing. If you could read my forum and provide some feed back it would be much appreciated. link removed Thanks! Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted September 6, 2005 Author Share Posted September 6, 2005 Lil Eddie, The fact is....you do nothing but work on you. Don't bother with her right now.....Worry about you. You can do this...... -Your Friend, SuperDave71 Link to comment
fantasia2004 Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 Thank you SuperDave, I need this to move on rightly so. Link to comment
warrior_joe Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 The posts have definitely helped me. Thanks... I have had NC for 4 days now since she has last called. I feel like s***! But i am going to maintain NC. The only problem I have is that at the end when she told me she didnt want a relationship with anyone right now is that i offered her back the key to her house and she said keep it..The key now a binding element that holds us together...Do I keep it ? or put it in her house when she's at work ? or just forget about it? [/u] Your opinions are appreciated! I wish i found this forum when things were going bad! Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted September 7, 2005 Author Share Posted September 7, 2005 Warrior_joe, My ex did the same thing. I asked for my key back and she refused. She was even seeing another man and she STILL refused. Later she told me that was her onnection back to me as well BUT I will caution you on ONE THING. Don't base a key on winning someone back. You always have the choice of changing your locks as well. Be careful with false hope and try to stay on the positive. If you need encouragement...drop us a line here so we can help you through. --SuperDave71 Link to comment
warrior_joe Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 Dave, I have enjoyed reading your posts, they have given me conformation to the direction I must take. It is not my key, it is the key to her house which she said to keep...and yes..she said it was a connection herself....her life is so hectic and she is overwhelmed with problems with her son, her ex husband, her parents, lonliness of her divorse...and more. We really had no problems except she was unhappy with her life, and that tainted our life together. Yes..I am in pain and I know she feels bad, but not as bad as me. I have changed my schedule going to the gym, so i dont see her. I havent called. We talked very nicely friday evening when she called at 11:30 pm(just to ask my opinion about nonsense)..probably to see if i was out. She called twice sunday, once to thank me for something i had done and not told her, and again to say she missed me. Both calls were on my answering system. I went NC and never called her back as i normally would. Havent heard from her since. I will obey the NC and if she calls at night and i have to answer...do I even answer? she knows im at home in the evening, I will be kind and polite with no talk of wanting her back. The question i still need answering is do i just forget about the key?,or put it in her house when she's at work? Thanks Dave for your advise. I have given great advise to others in the past, but couldnt practise what i preached. This time I have found the strength to follow my beliefs. Its hard and it hurts, but its the only way! Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted September 7, 2005 Author Share Posted September 7, 2005 Warrior Joe--- I want you to look at something in a new light. The key means nothing. If she gave you a pair of wine glasses and said ....keep these...I may need them someday....You will be looking at the glasses in a whole other light. in short, they are glasses. Forget the key. Don't think about it. I fyou want to give it back....go for it. It will give her a signal that you cannot put your life on hold while she figures her life out. People don't work that way. You are allowing her ( in a loving way ) to hold you. You need to forget about her and turn the focus to you. She says she needs time....well unless your deaf or ignorant ( which you are neither ).....why are you asking for advice? She has told you STRAIGHT...what she wants..... Do you know what a safety net is? She doesn't want you right now....but she is holding on to you none the less. The calls, advice..etc etc.. She needs you. Now, if you want a better result....Stay busy. Do not answer the phone. If she calls, don't answer. I even had my ex calling and said I was walking out the door....then said I would TRY and call her back later. What did I do....I went to the front door and walked out....then walked back in the house and wallowed in self pity...but at least I didn't lie. This girl needs to know what life is like without you completely. and I mean completely. Stop the phone calls and all communication.....You have in your head the idea that "out of site, out of mind..." Not true.....Trust me on this one..... Post back yoru results in the next week. I think you will be even surprised yourself. ---Your friend, SuperDave71 Link to comment
warrior_joe Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 Thanks Dave for the advise. I will leave the key issue alone and do nothing..In honesty to you and myself, if she calls and asks for me to call her back, it would be rude not to, since she would never and has never blown me off....I will not call her or answer any calls from her, thanks to your help..but her asking of a return call is a tough one for me. How will I ever have a chance of getting her back if i never let her speak to me? Your opinions are deffinately helping through this! Link to comment
warrior_joe Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 I just want to cover all the angles of the days to come. Sorry if im asking petty questions Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted September 7, 2005 Author Share Posted September 7, 2005 Warrior... There are NOT petty questions.....YOU MUST DO THIS. Let her go!!! LET HER GO!! You are making excuses for her to contact you....STOP IT! Your not rude..you are taking control. She is not mean or rude, I understand....but she needs to realize and feel what it is like if YOU decide to forget HER for a while. Could she stand it if you started dating someone new? Doesn't sound like it to me....Sooooooooooooooooo with all that said.....LEAVE her alone......The thoughts of you with someone else will drive her insane. ( This is not a game) You are only working on you for a while...NO ONE will EVER say be rude, arrogant, mean, manipulative or anything else. I am a sincere guy. I wish no harm to anyone. The facts are....she is holding you in limbo and you are letting her. She doesn't want you...BUT NO ONE ELSE CAN HAVE YOU EITHER!! THAT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!!!! NOw change it!!!! ---SuperDave71 Link to comment
Juha Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 Yeah, my ex stil has my keys....When I brought it up about why she still has them, she got all huffy with me and said "is it a problem?"... I told her yes it could be and she just dropped it and has never offered them back to me....Have gone into NC and am thinking of changing my locks now.... Do not call her back even if she asks you to...She may be hurt, mad, or think you do not care about her anymore... IF it is really important and she has something to say she will leave a message about it...Saying to you call back is just another ploy to see if you will still be around for her.... Link to comment
warrior_joe Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 okay Dave, I get the message. Its very hard to let her go, but i will do what needs to be done..I will not call her back for any reason..but as i said earlier. How would I ever get her back if I do not ever talk to her? When i keep avoiding her attemps to talk with me, she will move on as well. She is a very pretty woman who gets alot of attension. She will say...the hell with him..im going to try someone new since he cares not to communicate with me! At this point in time, i truly believe that if she wanted male company at all, it would be me. Your comments are so helping me. The point of it all is I want her back. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted September 7, 2005 Author Share Posted September 7, 2005 Warrior, The point of this forum is the same as your ultimate goal. I didn't say ignore her forever.......Tell her you need to work on yourself and if she truly cared about you she would give you what you ask.. THEN START NC> thereforeeee you do NOT have to worry about your actions being misconstrude. Make sense? If you can keep NC for 3 weeks AFTER you let her know.....I can almost bet she will break it before you will.....TRY IT AND SEE.. -Your Friend, SuperDave71 Link to comment
Juha Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 SD, I started NC and did not say anything to her....She is with someone else so should it matter if I say anything to her about not contacting me??? I also do not want to send the wrong message.... Thanks Link to comment
warrior_joe Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 Our final conversation had no metion of NC. But in searching for answers i found this site. I started NC immediately without telling her. She has no indication of me not talking with her as she said she wanted to keep in touch with me. She said she needed time to fix the problems in her life. I know thats no reason to dump your best friend and lover of 2 1/2 yrs, but everyone thinks differently. So..i guess she will get the message for now that I dont want contact with her. Part of me thinks I am doing the right thing, but, honestly part of me thinks i am just tossing her and my chances of getting her back. I believe if i go NC for a month..it will be me who will have to make the call, after i neglect her calls long enough. and Dave..I am an idiot when it comes to love..I have a big heart, and i think i need to cross every T and every I with the questions that have me so confused.. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted September 7, 2005 Author Share Posted September 7, 2005 Juha, In your case....no. Leave it be. Do not contact her if she is already with someone else.....she will figure THIS one out on her own. -SuperDave71 Link to comment
Juha Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 Thanks SD...That is what I figured as much.... Day 1 and staying strong and getting better.... Link to comment
warrior_joe Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 Juha, If she is with someone else i would say that she is shopping and nothing you could say or do would change it. If my situation involved another man..It would really hurt, but would definitely give me the drive to move on. Another man would turn me off... Link to comment
Juha Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 WJ I can understand your point of view but the other mans is just to make things easier on her about leaving me, so she does not have to think about things as much, occupy her time so to speak....I know this is not a deep meaningful relationship...I know he does not feel the same as I do about her or love her and care about her the same as I do....But that is for her to figure out not me.... I am so much above this loser it is not funny....If she feels she is happier with him and all the crap she will have to put up with then she has no respect for herself....He came along and was nice to her when she needed it, that's all..He is trying to quit a heroin addiction and she is going to be his savior,, Yeah right...They fight alot and she is usually broken up about it crying... She can't spend time with him and expect to call me for a ride to work, resume help, etc....Now that I am NC she will really see what life is like without me and how much he is there for her...If he was that great why is she calling and staying in touch with me??? Link to comment
warrior_joe Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 I dont think any man can figure out why a woman does what she does. But by using a sycological approach maybe you can remidy a relationship. We both have nothing to loose, because we already lost it. But i do believe in NC for both of us..I am much older than you and pickins are slim for me. If i were in my 20's, i would be gone. I would just find a new woman. If there are problems now...wait till you marry her! At my age, there are conditions with any woman i meet. Baggage, this or that. If my woman broke up with me and dated another man. i would never look back! Right now..maybe not tommarrow, i know she loves me. She is just knee deep i poop..Excuses, Excuses...i just like you find them when were loosing our mate....Good luck Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted September 7, 2005 Author Share Posted September 7, 2005 Juha and Warrior, NC is for you. The "other guy" or her wanting space is NOT an issue unless you make it one. Relax and focus on your goal. ( To feel better about yourself ). Take away the saftey nets ( you guys ) even if they are with someone else....and what do they have left.....THEMSELVES. Put these women in a room by themselves at night before they go to sleep and what happens....they begin to wonder what is going on with you. That is EXACTLY what we want them to do.. THe more you NC...the more and more the begin to think. You must break the pattern of calling, Texting, IM'ing blah blah blah....why? Because not only does it give you false hope....It gives them the security ( almost like a leash ) to hold you close to them incase the new relationship..or the loneliness is too much. They try and pull the leash to pull you back.....SNAP THE LEASH GUYS!!! ---SuperDave71 Link to comment
warrior_joe Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 I hear ya Dave...I will stay NC for awhile. It will not be difficult for me not to call, but it will be difficult to not take her call! Your advise has been a great help for me. I am skepticle about the return call part.... if she says she wants to talk, ill be a wreck! Link to comment
rascal Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 Dave, you really need your own tv show. seriously. How can you be so sure that when the click off the tv and go to bed (on the off night when they're not w/their new bf) that they really do think about us? do you really believe this? ? Link to comment
warrior_joe Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 if they dont think about you when they click of the TV. Then its best to move on because you have no chance. Curiosity not only killed the cat, but it kills most woman as well. I know that for sure.. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted September 7, 2005 Author Share Posted September 7, 2005 Rascal, Have you ever wondered about someone that was a friend of yours that you haven't heard from in a while? Of course you have...Women are human too. My ex tells me she thought of me alot and she had a new BF. So it is a misconception that just because they are with someone else that they will not think of you or even if they "need space". Get ideas like that out of your head. They are only self defeating. --SuperDave71 Link to comment
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