Lil Eddie

After I was done I realized what I had done, I F**ked up bad. As far as Vegas I was playing with her. When I was at the store yesterday I was thinking. Eddie you never gave yourself an opportunity to be alone, you never have given yourself a chance. You call it quits bc it hurts so bad and spending time with her bc its better that accepting the truth about life. I'm in complete denial im trying to snap out of it so I can have control of me. I feel like I let you down Sundaymorning but most of all let myself down especially if she does get pregnant. I will be bringing a child into a F**cked up situation.

As I was driving she asked where are we going. I told her Vegas. She was like no really where are we going? I told her again Vegas to get married. She was like yeah im already having your baby. or im already pregnant. I can't remember. Then she asked again, really where are we going. I told her to rent a movie. So we did. We got back to her house and her sis was on the bed. We started to watch a movie. Toward the end of the movie she comes closed to me. I was laying completely down and she lays on my arm so I hugged her for a while. After the movie ended we got up and left to the store with her sister. We got back and started to watch another movie. Towards the end of the movie she comes closer to me. I was laying sideways with a pillow so she lays her head on my pillow in a spooning position so I hugged her again. After we watched the movie we talked She only had a Tee and her panties while we were watching TV which I though what weird she usual wears bottoms. Anyways I feel asleep shortly after she turned the TV off and we went to sleep. Yes. I did hug her at night. This morning my alarm rang and I moved to hit snooze. Then I put my arm around her she said it's hot. Usually means get off me sucker. So I turned around, not moving she placed her arm on me which again strange like showing me I still want you close. I'm at work entertained while I write my story. I want to check her things but im not it will kill me inside. I want to call her but I need to be strong. I cannot be worried about whether she calls her guy(s) friend who she misses. Now I don't now what's going to happen with her there is a 70% chance she won't get pregnant but 30% is still a lot. I have to get back to work.

We then got ready and went to get some food. As we were eating i told her my dream was bugging me. I told her one last thing, I forgot how i worded it but It was "When your friend gives you more time you are going to pick me to the curb." She was like yeah what do you expect.. I asked what do you mean. She was like I wouldnt do that. She also told me that she still felt trapped. I Was like wow im giving you all the space you want she was like yeah i know well i really dont feel like that. ?????. I asked her do you think you were holding me back? she was like yes. you dont go and kick it with your friends. It was a weired conversation. As i was driving she checked her phone and was like no one calls me. She looked at me and again told me you see no one calls me. I was like whatever you know you do. She was no really no one calls me. I told her yeah you call everyone though. She replied yeah because no one calls me. I think she was trying to make me feel better. Im stepping out to lunch. Ill continue with the rest of my weekend but she seemed very affection it for the rest of the night.

I DID SOMETHING VERY STUPID THIS WEEKEND! Well let me tell you what happened. I got off work on Friday and she called me. We talked and I told something about what I had found out. She got a bit upset bc she it does seem like in stalking her. No more of that I promise. Well she ended up calling me back and asking me if I wanted to go shopping with her, I agreed. We went had a good time. In the morning I woke up and left to work from her house. I walked back in to drop something and she was checking her phone. I hear it close as soon as I walked in. Whatever. I was at work and she calls me. We made plans to go to Knott's. I got off work and she called me to tell me that she was on her way home too. I meet up with her at her house and I waited. She left her phone with her mom. We went to the mall, walked around and also found out Knott's sold out. Well we went to a club and had a good time. We got to her house about 2-3. She got her phone as I was in the restroom and went to the living room. I walked to the living room b/c I was going to my car. I hear her leaving a message as I walked by it was "I left the phone with my mom give me a call tomorrow." I was in a hurry she hung up and asked where are you going like when someone gets caught. I did not answer and step out. She asked two more time somewhat loud b/c I was outside, I yelled to my car. I went back in and she was in the room She asked me something else and I did not answer. She knew I was bugged. So she went to the restroom and left her phone in the room. I got things ready for bed and tried to get some sleep. She came in and asked if I was wake. I laid down with me and I didn't say anything she asked what was wrong and I said nothing. She started to scratch me back and my head. Then I turned around and did the same to her. Well in the morning. I told her a had a dream that we were out having a good time and when we came home that she called her friend to let him that she missed him. Similar to what happened with her. I also told her that I felt very stupid in the dream bc we are out having a good time and that she has that person on her mind and the first thing she does is call when she gets home then I told her the rest of the dream. Well we went back to sleep. I was about 11 and I started to fool around with her as she laid there. She got into it and well this is the bad part. I went in without a condom and I told her that I came inside of her. She does not let me go in without a condom. She told me you better not ill kick your a**. I went to put one on and we started to go at it and I took it off. I told her I was not wearing one and she was like whatever. She checked and asked why are you not wearing one. I told her it fell off. I continued and she did not stop me. I was about to finish and I told her. I saw a look on her face like oh, no. I pulled out. That's the bad thing I did. I regret doing it. We laid in bed for a little while. She started to clean up and she picked up her phone. She looked at me and told me hold on and stepped out the room. I got up went to the restroom and saw her talking in the living room. I got back and she was in the room ironing and still talking. I asked for some socks and she answered. She finished and stepped out to get more cloths. I jumped in the shower and got out. I walked by and she was in the living room still on the phone. She yells at me. I walk back and while on the phone she tells me did you just walk by my mom just with a towel. Was like yes she puts the phone down but still yelling she told me some other things and laughing. I was getting dressed but I could still hear the conversation. It sounded like he did something and was trying to explain. Whatever. She came back in the room. I was still tripping on what I had done.

Sundaymorning, you have been and inspiration for me. I believe that God puts people in our paths for a reason. For whatever reasons he just does. Thank you again for your time and support. I know I have been stubborn and in denial and it can easy cause people to loose their patience. I was thinking of the next time we have a good conversation or the next time I leave from her house to tell her "I Love You" and just walk away and see what kind of reaction I get. But after reading you post it cleared my head. Your right about the heart, it's the mind that plays tricks on us. I have printed out your postings and read them whenever I get down or think of doing something stupid. Now I understand the phrase "Love is deaf, dumb, blind and stupid."

I think that life is over, that I will never ever meet anyone. I know it's a lie and that there is someone out there that will give me everything that she was never able to give me. But for now I need to learn to be alone. I have never given me the opportunity to do so. I cave in and go crawling just to spend time with her when she calls me and there I am scratching her head and her back while we go to sleep. I keep checking her things, I did so today. Every time that I do so I get upset, mad and I begin to go crazy. Again I will make a promise to myself not to do so. It's better for me not to know a damn thing because it only ends up hurting me. I used to say "To each is its own." She can do whatever she wants now because I have to focus on me, Eddie. It's all about Eddie now and what Eddie needs. What I need now is to find myself and be happy. She keeps me around because she is afraid, afraid of being alone. I fear she will forget me if I walk away but in reality she wont. Day 1 of the healing process begins! I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to have fun with my friends and not wonder what she is doing or have to rush because what if she calls and she wants me to out with her or go to her house.. My life cannot revolve around her!!

I'm tired of complaining, of asking the same questions of why, why. I do love this girl and it's apparent throughout these postings. Everything that happens from now on is my fault because im the idiot that chooses to stay. Like my friend said she wants to feel free and enjoy the single life so she is talking to guys. That hurts because im not enough. Like sundaymorning has been saying, im in denial. I know of what is going on but im truly in denial. I'm thinking no, she calls me everyday and who is the one she is going out with? Who spends the night? ME ME. That's might be so but at what expense? My heart! I could stay being her friend and things might change or they will get worse. I'm going to lunch ill continue when I get back.

Thanks for everything Sundaymorning!!!!!!! I hope you dont stop posting please

im addicted and i seriously have a problem. I cant get her off my mind but i will. I know im going to cave in but i will not be a p**sy. Everytime i fall i will get up and try again. I will get over her i will not let her string me along. I cannot believe that after everything I still love her and am willing to forgive but enough is enough. I cannot say that im completely through but i will get there. I will start thinking with my head instead of my heart!

Why cant i let go i want to. I get pissed of when i hear everything that is going on with her and her friend but when i cool down i punk out and cave in.

I have been thinking. I love this girl there is no question about that. She knows that and she does not think we should be together right now but she told me you never know what will happen. It hurts, it really hurts a lot especially because she wants to get to get to know someone else but is not honest with me. I don't remember where I read this or if someone told me but here it is. I love this person I don't know if she loves me as much and by the way she is she is very selfish of her but that's okay I will be the bigger person in all of this. I want her to be with me but I also want her to be happy and if being with me is not enough then so be it. My friend told me in the begging, she deserves to be happy too. Everyone knows that saying if you love something well let it go, yes but it you love someone you will want them to be happy. I guess what im trying to say is that I love her and I want her to be happy even if it's not with me. I'm not giving up I could fight for her but I have to be real with myself that we are not getting back together. If it happens in the future I would love it. I will distance myself as best as I can a little at a time everyday.

Okay I know I have asked these questions a billion times but here we go again. If she misses him and all that junk why let me spent the night? Why let me spoon her while we sleep and lock my legs with hers? Why left me touch her and hold her? Why. Why? That's it im going to stop showing affection.

NotMyself, This is what happened. I got home and I was feeling okay. I jumped in the shower and when I got out my sis told me that she had called. That she wanted her ID. So I called back and she was like I need my ID and I told her pick it up then. Wow argument, like the ones we used to have. She hung up on me because I told her I could drop it off b/c I was going out. I was cool the whole time. She hung up on me. I called back and she did not pick up I called again then we talked. I told her I was going to drop it off at 10 then I hung up on her. I was out it was about 9:15 she called I did not pick up, and then she called again. I picked up. She was like where are you? I answered im in the restroom. The she asked again where are you? I told her at my friend's house, she asked which one? Talk about a million questions. Then she was like why are you trying to be all secretive. I was like what do you mean. Anyways I got to her house about ten then I drop off her things. I texted "I left your things with your mom. I HOPE IM NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING YOU HAVE GOING ON." She called me what do you mean by that. I was like nothing you did not want to your cousin to know you're awake so that's what I meant. She was like I don't know you have been acting weird. You spy on me while im the restroom. I was like wow hold up, I walked by and I heard you on the phone. I asked you about it and that's it. She was like since your here are you going to spend the night or not? I was like yeah I guess. I walked in she was telling all her problems I just laid in bed with her not touching, minding my own business. Then she came close to me so I could hug her and scratch her head. About 11 she jumps in the shower and I went out to lock my car. I get back to the room and she had left her phone. So I checked her out going texts. There was one or to with good morning and good night sweet dreams XOXO. The one that caught my attention read "I miss you alot seriously XOXOXOXOXO." Then he called I did not pick up he left a message but I erased it. She came back from taking a shower so we watched a little TV and then we were going to bed. I told her a funny thing happened today. I got a text from someone I did not know. It said "I miss you XOXOX" she was like that's funny. I was like yeah that is... This morning I got up and left before I stepped out the room I told her "I miss you alot seriously XOXOXO" she was like what? I repeated it two more times. She was like are you telling me? I told her I was thinking about the text I got. She was like you are acting weird. I was driving home and I thought wait am I acting weird maybe just a little bit but why does she get offended? Why? B/C/ she has something to hide! She called me this morning to ask if I left her ID. Then she calls me again to tell me why I did not tell her the phone rang. I told her I was out moving and locking my car. She was like yeah. I was like I would have told you. Whatever. I keep thinking you miss him, well wait until I back off then you can miss two people. I tell myself don't pick up the phone don't talk to her and what do I F**ken do, pick up the phone. I'm done sending her signals about what she is doing. I'm not going to compete im going to back off that's what she wanted then that's what she is going to get!!

Damn everyone has given me awesome advice. I don't know how to thanks you all. I was down this morning. She called me at lunch I was like whatever she again asked what is wrong. I said I just have a lot on my mind BC of work. She also asked I called you yesterday did you get it. I replied oh, yeah I did but I didn't feel like talking to anyone. She was like you should have called me. I was like that kind of defeats the whole purpose of not wanting to talk to anyone she was like yeah but you should have called me to tell me that you did not want to talk to anyone and we could have talked about it. Then she laughed. She was telling me about lunch and how she was still hungry. I told her I have to go im back at work. She was like okay talk to you later. I then freaked texted her and called her back. Damn. I asked about her daughters Birthday and whether she has everything ready. Then I told her that's all I have to go now. She texted me about Knott's and how she has a coupon. I have not responed towards that but I did forward her a text which read. Thought for today..... As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. I'm feeling better right now. I'm headed in the right direction but I have to try hard then she will realize that im slipping from her grasp.

SuperDave, please help me out on this. What is your opinion. I feel like im going to loose it. link removed Thanks!!!

Thank you NotMyself. I went home talking to my friend. He was telling me that you cannot be checking her things. Im pissed that I did but I guess now I know the truth. He was telling me that you have to understand she broke up with you already and this guy has her attention right now. But Eddie that does not mean that she is going to marry this guy she just wants to be alone and look at her options. My friends are so tired of hearing me talk about it but they were really good about listening yesterday. One of my friends was telling me that you cannot base your happiness on her and that's what im doing. Well she called me about 8 I did not pick up. I got home a little while after and my brother told me she called. I called her back and left a message. She called me back shortly after. I have her ID so she was like when are you going to drop it off. I was like when you come and pick it up. She also asked me what was wrong. I said nothing I was putting some things away. I wasn't in a very talkative mood with her. She also told me have you found out about Knott's bc I really want to go. I thought to myself why don't you ask your friend that "you miss" to take you. We hung up and I texed her to let me know when you are going to be home so I can drop off the ID. I went to sleep and she called about 9 but I did not answer. She also called about 11 three times. I finally hear the phone right bc of the TV noise. I looked and it was her. I did not pick up and she left a message. It said I got home about 10:30 I was going to call you if you wanted to meet us at Starbucks but she was like well do that tomorrow, well call me back if you want. I did not and haven't. Im really sad bc how can she be lying straight to my face. I know for a fact that im there bc this guy does not have time for her so who does she call me. Im going to try NC for awhile and just back off. That's what I want to do but I know im going to cave in. I feel like writing her a letter telling her that I love her so much but I need time to myself to get over you. Thank you for everything and thank you for lying to me you know what I mean. I hope it all works out for you, I also hope that this guy is all you wanted. I hope he can love more than I do. I want you to be happy and I hope he can make you happy you deserve it. That's all I have. but im feel scared bc I still want her as a friend. I need help im so screwed up!!

Should i play her back the message he left her or should i just leave it as is? What should I do????

i checked her messages again. One of the messages said im sorry i now you get upset but ill try to put more efffort but you know my work schedule thank you for the pisture you drew. I called the guy and we talked he said that he would like to be with her but his work does not allow it and he is not going to quick his job. i told him i hope you know that we still kick it and he was yeah i know she tells me. i also told him I dont want to get played and i dont want you to get played. He was like yeah i know I asked him one last question which was does she want to be with you? He was like she tells me that she want to kick it with me and that she misses me but has never said she wants to be with me but i dont think she wants to be with me. YEAH RIGHT. Why does she miss you????? Im so scared of letting go i care for her so much i have been doing fine why is she letting me stay the night and being with her. Why Why. I so scared i breaking and doing N/C. I dont know how to be alone im so pissed off at her but i love her that im willing to but up with all the bs. Im not going to take her phone calls anymore i want to be with her so much should i keep it the way things are going but if i don then she will never make up her mind b/c she doesnt know what it is to be without me. and i will never get over her!! HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!!!!

Im so upset and so sad right now!

Sundaymorning thanks for all the support. I do have a few questions for you. Anyone is welcome to answer as well. She calls me everyday. She also has been a little more open about her friend. She tells me she was talking to him and he said this and that, no big thing. Well I went to Vegas this weekend with her and she left her phone with her mom for the weekend b/c of her daughter just in case. We had a blast. Sat. morning we slept together then we went out with some of my friends. We were headed home later that day and she was talking to me about my friend (him) and his friend (her) b/c they always kick it together but never do anything. She was telling me that she asked her if they did it. She replied no we just enjoy each others company. So my friends, friend asked my ex about us and she replied also that we just enjoy each others company, that's what she was telling me on the way home and she also added well I know we still do things. Then she said I did not plan for what happened. I asked what do you mean. she was like us sleeping together this morning I did not plan for it. I stopped for gas and I seemed bugged and she asked what's wrong I said nothing. Then we walked to the store and she held my arm as we walked in. Through the ride home I was cool having a good time but also quite and she kept asking what wrong I was like nothing just thinking about the doctors tonight. I was going to go in. reason not important. We got to her house and she jumped in the shower with her daughter and locked her mom's room that's the only entrance to the restroom. Anyway I had to ask a question so I yelled no answer. I walked around the back and knocked on the door that's looked to the restroom and I heard her on the phone obviously with her man friend she answered me then continued to talk. I walked out to my car and 5 min later she called. She asked me where are you I told her in the car getting things out. So she finished and walked in the room I was out side getting some fresh air so I walk in the room with her and she was like damn you knock all hard I answered no I didn't. I also told her you never lock the room she was like I was naked and I had the restroom door open and she also said I had a feeling you were going to go around, like saying you were going to spy on me. I told her I was only asking for something that's all. I was quite after that. She was like are you upset b/c I was on the phone I told her no. I don't give a damn about that. I told her I don't like how you think im trying to check up on you she was like no I did not think that I just knew you were going to do that. Whatever. Later we were watching TV. And she said we don't mesh well together I was like what do you mean and answered we enjoy each others company. She answered yeah but as a couple we dont mesh well. I just stayed quite. I was in a quite mood the whole time. She would come close hug me from time to time. Later she said im going to be old and go out and be with younger guy. She said that b/c a commercial came on about that. She looked at me and said in just playing and said my name. Then she came close to me and hugged me and then told me give me a hug. The whole night I kept to myself and I noticed her coming close to me. Hugging me at night while we slept. I finally turned around and hugged her. I guess what im asking is what is up with her saying all that and then being affection with me. What is the deal with that?

Wow that is very profound Sundaymorning and thank you all for the support you have showed me. I have to say you are absolutely right. It's just very difficult to let go of her b/c of the fear of loosing her. If I really think about it I have lost her already. This is what happened this weekend I spent the night Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. Monday we talked on the phone and last night she called me at work telling me her problems with her boss and how she does not know what to do. I listened. She called me after work I did not pick up then she called my house I wasn't there. I returned her call and she was like what r u doing? I told her I was helping my friend out and she was like okay. I just wanted to know if you wanted to go and look at a house with me. She is doing real-estate but doing a lousy job at. I called her about 9 and we talked I was telling her what I bought and she was like man you are buying a lot if things maybe I should be your gf again. I was like really and she was like im just playing. She put her daughter to sleep and she was like let me give you a call back. No returned call. I have been thinking of the situation and all the advice I have been receiving. My friend told me you are going to get back with her it's only a matter of time but realize what you are going to loose. He does not like her at all! Like Sundaymoring said she does not want to be with me for whatever reason but still wants me there b/c I make her feel good. I keep telling myself why do you want to be with someone that said they weren't in love with you or is confused about her feelings? My thoughts on her is that she does not what to have any ties right now to do and talk to whoever but still keeps me there for when she is ready. That's why she lets me spend the night and that's why she puts out for me to keep me there so I won't go and get it from someone else. I'm not saying that's all it is but she is giving me crumbs so I will stay around. Boss pissed me off right now so I lost my thoughts. Ill update it shortly. Thanks again guys!!

It's been about 10 days since I posted an update about my situation. Everything has settled down a bit well what I mean by that is me. I'm getting better with the anxiety and starting to feel okay being at home. This is my up date for the past 10 days. Monday 9.19.05 she called me during class. I called her on my break we talked for a little bit then hung up b/c I had to go in. Later that night I did not call nor did she. The next day I went to workout with my friend at night it was about 11:30 later I was on my way to my buddy's house after the gym. She calls me I did not pick up. Then called two more time and left a message. I heard the message she was in San Diego with her boss for a conference. In the room she was staying there was not TV or radio so her message said, "Call me im so lonely in this room well ill call you again later but please call me b/c im so lonely." She called three more times after that I did not pick up once. I got home about 12 and returned the call. We talked and she was like thank you for calling then she went to sleep. The following day I went to the gym again she called me about 10 I picked up I was done and getting dressed from the gym, I told her let me give you a call when im out. I called back and we chatted then she was like let me call you back. Well she did and again talked and she asked before we hung up, on Monday why didn't you call me when you got out of class? I told her I was tired and just fell asleep. She was like okay. The next day on Thursday I went to play some soccer with my friend and on my way over there she called. I have not been the one to call! It was about 7 and she invited me to a club with her friends. I asked the dress code and she was like something cute b/c there is going to be cute girls there. I responded so you want me to pick up on girls? She was like not but im not going to be dancing with you the whole time okay… I was like I'll call you if I go. I did not go I went to Hooter with my friends. She called me about 10 three time after I did not pick up the 2 time before. She was like are you going to go I was like no I lost my wallet. I did but I turned out to be at my house. She was like okay then we hung up. She called me about 3 in the morning saying I just got home I did not pick up I was asleep. Then she called about 7:30am telling me about her night and wanting to know how my night went. I told her I was at Hooters then we went to a bar. She asked did any girls talk to you I said I was kicking with my friends just having a good time. She was also telling me about her night saying that everyone was telling her how good she look and that there was one guy staring her down. I was like cool with no feelings behind it. She called me later that night about 8-9 she was like what r you doing? Im going to shoot some pool with my friend and she was like how come you don't invite I invited you last night. Anyways I went out I texted her about 12:30 and she called back. We talked, she was getting back from her friends house. Sat. she calls me so we went to practice soccer with her little girl we had a good time. After we were chilling at her house she slapped my butt a couple of times. We went to her friend's house to watch movies. About 1-2 in the morning she gets a call from that guy. She stepped out of the living room for like 5 min then she came back. I did not say anything just bit my tongue. After we got home about 3am and we slept together. I left the following day which was Sun early in the morning. She went to visit her sister that's why I left early. She called me just to let me know that she got there. After she got home she called me and was feeling sick I took her something to drink and spent the night. Monday we talked a little. Tuesday we again went to play soccer with her little girl to practice for like 15min. We went to her house and she bought dinner. She also said you can stay the night and help me go to sleep. She had her phone in the car so she picked it up I was going to the restroom and I walked out. She was in the living room on the phone I asked for something and her she got all grr. I went to do my thing and came back. She was like snapping at me I was like don't do that I just wanted something she was like I didn't do it to you I did it to my mom. Then she was like I was checking my messages and trying to talk to my sis. I was like that's cool I just wanted what I asked for. I really didn't care who she was on the phone with nor asked for an explanation. It was about 1 in the morning and her phone rang. It woke me and her up. Well she has a ringer for her friend but she did not pick up that's how I knew it was him. A side from everything I feel that she is coming around but im just going with the flow. I'm not calling her, sure I do return her calls but I do not make the first move. I'm also keeping my distance and she is noticing well I think.

This weekend was very interesting for me. Thursday I spent the night at her house b/c we were going to six flags. At night she got a call from her friend she said let me take this is that okay. I said sure. After she came to bed. The following day we had a good time. We got to her house we were tired and she got a call about 10:00pm from him she again said let me take this it wont be long. Every time she takes it she leaves the room. The following day was Sat. so we went to the Inland Invasion. Everything was cool until she got a call. I turns out that he was there working. While she was on the phone I said "HELLO" then she got off and was like I was on the phone. I saw the guy as she was talking to him. Then she tells me oh I did want to tell you but I knew he was going to be here but I did not want you to get mad. I was whatever that's cool then we started arguing and she was like I was just saying hello. I told her why don't you just go and say hello personally. She was like no im here with you. We started to argue I told her I don't give a F*** what you do anymore. Have a good life and I hope it all works out. She walked around I just stayed. We got together once it started and watched the show having a good time. Later she said I feel bad for not going over and saying hello. I said I told you to but she was like no I knew you would get mad. I explained I got mad because you cannot even introduce us like if you are trying to keep us apart. If he is just your friend then you have nothing to hide. Another argument. We finished the show and then we were leaving and she was like let me call him and tell him that im leaving. So he comes to the front and I meet the guy. She gives him a hug whatever. We leave and I told her in the car im sorry for everything. I will never ask you about your friend and I will never again tell you how I feel. She told me that throughout the relationship she has always been unsure of us. I will give her that much. She did not know what she felt. I would always tell her do you want me to go? and she would be like no. I took her 3-4 years to finally say no. I know since this guy is in the picture it's easier for her to let go of the relationship even if they are just friends which she states. Friends that talk or call each other everyday. I spent the night but left in the morning. I made up my mind not to fight anymore. I will not compete with this guy especially because she all ready made up her mind for whatever reason. This guy or not. All day yesterday I did not call. She called me at 6:00 I did not pick up and then at 8:00 and 9:30pm. Then she texted me. I called 2 times but I guess your two busy to pick up well its not important I just wanted to hello. Whatever!! bye?! I called at 11:30 and texted her back. I also called this morning to say good morning. I made it quick. I don't have anything to say to her anymore she doesn't feel for me (maybe b/c of this guy) but im not going to waste my time. I will no longer call. I will not be her a**. She knows how I feel already. I wanted to show her a great time this weekend and I did. Now I have to move one b/c im not going to be with someone that does not feel the same as I do.

Thursday, I'm a little better as the days go by. Thanks for all the advise friends and to this forum. I did not call her at lunch as I previous wrote. I was trying to keep strong and I did. Later about 1:30 she called my cell I picked up and we chatted for a little bit and then her boss walked in and she had to go. It made me feel better because I know she was thinking of me and that's why she called. Anyways I got off of work I got home and my friend picks me up so we can go and work out. Yeah I got a gym membership on Tuesday. On my way to the gym about 6 she calls me but I did not pick up, she left me a message. I worked out for about 2 hours got home and returned the call 2 1/2 hours later. She was at her friend's house we talk for like a min. and she asked can I give you a call after nine. I was like okay. I was on my way out I did not get home until 10. I was about to jump in the shower and she called. I looked at the phone and again did not pick up. I jumped in the shower and when I got out she had called again and left another message. I waited and gave her a call later. We talked for about 45 min. then we hung up and we said good night. I'm being so much stronger knowing that I could look at my phone and not pick up because I have things to do. I have to focus on me now and not on her.

Wednesday morning and im tripping but still moving forward. Monday I did not talk to her or call her neither did she. That was when I checked her things. I told and promised myself I wouldn't do it again. In reality what does it prove? She has the right to talk to who ever she wants. I should upset me and make me want to never talk to her again but that's not the feelings I get. I do not want to know who she talks to and when it hurts me and it will not solve anything. Tuesday she called me on my cell during work. I picked up and chatted for a little bit. We are going to an amusement park on Friday and im crashing the night Thursday and Friday night. I don't get it why is she allowing this. Well I was told once that she is feeding me crumbs and im there eating them. She is having fun not worrying about anything talking to who ever she wants knowing that im still there loving her, what a great feeling. That's just a little side note. After the phone call she said ill talk to you later. I got off of work went out to have lunch with my friend and then joined the gym. I did not call and I did not receive a call either. It's becoming easier to be at home without having any anxiety attack to call her. I was thinking of calling at lunch but im not.