You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[Akua]

newnub, About dating, i think dating or a one-nighter just to "get over" someone doesn't really do any good. It hurts the person you are doing it with and you don't really gain anything. As a woman, I also find it just another way of disrespecting myself. Trying to compensate with a loss with something temporary isn't healthy. Heal. Mourn. Be sad. ANGRY. And figure it all out b4 you get into something else.

 

My question for SuperDave or ANYONE is what if the ex broke up with you and you do NC and they try to contact you? What do you do then? I have been NC for 2 months (my choice). He keeps trying in any way he can to contact me. At what point do I talk (provided that i want to)? And the fact that he is desperately trying does that mean something? I figured if it meant something he would leave more of a clue like "I want ot get back together." Right???

 

So for those NC-ers out there. It worked for me, and now the ex won't stop trying to contact me.

[Echo]

Sooooo Many NC'ers out there that are REAL envious of you right now!!!LOL. Great job! It's tough.....

[sexysadie]

Because you are doing the NC to free yourself from them and to rediscover yourself. If they happen to come along and see the new and improved you...and you want them back...then you can go from there.

 

But right now those of us that have been dumped for others are lost souls. Many of us have begged and pleaded, whined, nagged..etc...those techniques don't work. When your EX fell in love with you, you were happy, independent, carefree etc...now many of us have appeared needy, codependent...no one wants to be around a depressed person. Heal yourself...take your time, go through the grieving process...chances are that when the time is right you may run into your EX and they will see you all happy...but you may find as my Therapist said that you have outgrown the relationship/person. Healthy people attract healthy people.

 

I've now gone 5 days with NC...and let me tell you it gets easier every day. Some people have asked me about the OW in his life and how I feel and would I take him back. I know that I will never EVER stoop to competition with this person...she can't hold a candle to me. That's the truth...she's a raging alcoholic who is now holding him prisoner in HER house and feeding him beer 24/7. Yes, prisoner, he has no keys or garage clicker so he can't leave during the day unless she is home. HA HA...if this is what HE wants from life...then how could I or more importantly would I try and compete. I know the life we had here...we had a life.

 

Best wishes to you!!

[SuperDave71]

The fact is..... it doesn't matter who's fault it is. YOu do what is necessary for you to heal...

 

NC is not for someone else....its for you. People get confused and try to put a limit on N.C.

 

There is no such thing...how do you know when you are ready? You just know because your heart isn't hurting anymore or time has passed enough so the air is clean and the wounds have healed....The last thing you want to do is tear a scab off an watch your heart bleed all over again...

 

 

Trust me......just wait...you'll be glad you did.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Confusedwon]

My BF keeps making me feel like Im not giving him enough space. I know a lot of people like to have time alone... but Im not 1 of them. I have a few issues with insecurity and trust. But he is a good bf for the most part. He told me the other day that he didnt call me because he just did not want to talk to me but he went out with a friend for a few beers. It hurt me so bad, am I dumb? He tells me he loves me a lot... We progressed to talking everyday a few months ago and have even talked about marriage and him moving in... But now he keeps saying the short leash I have him on is making him crazy and people tell me I will lose him if I dont ease up. I dont know what to do. I do not call, he calls but then seems so quick to get off the phone. It feels like the more I express feeling this way, the less he tries...Yesterday we chtatted for a few minutes and I explained that I feel sad because I do not feel like he is trying... he said we would chat more later and then never called back... I did not call because I am fearful of hearing him say he doesnt wana talk to me again, or to find out he is out again... we go back and forth with fighting and breaking up and getting back together... I dont know what to do and I am unhappy. I admit it bothers me to not know where he is or what he is doing... and I dont know how to stop... I dont know if I should act like I do not care, then will he be more interested? I feel so stupid... girlfriends of mine always say he is set in his ways and I should walk away because he does things to give me reason to not trust... I wish I had a guys perspective to help me understand...

[sexysadie]

Hmmm...the only thing that I noticed from EX? was that he did show signs of jealousy when we were all out of town...to the point where he even mentioned it to me.

 

I did meet someone last week and went on a quasi date with him. I told him my situation and that I really was just looking for a friend. He completley understood and we had a nice chat...a quick peck goodnight. But let me tell you the next morning I woke up and had a text message from him that said "Good Morning Beautiful." I was beaming from ear to ear. Doesn't mean anything will come of this...but talk about an ego boost when you are down on the ground. I really needed that and to know that someone out there found me attractive.

 

Just get out with friends...you don't have to become involved...I wouldn't rush out and have a one night stand...none of us are emotionally ready for anything like that right now...but yes get out there and just socialize...you never know what could happen or who you could meet.

 

As my therapist said, healthy people attract healthy people. Staying home and crying our eyes out, good therapy but not necessarily all THAT healthy. We need human interaction not solitary confinement.

[korpze]

I really enjoy your post (although I broke about every rule you said over the past two months, but my ex and I are spending time together, so it didn't turn out too bad). But, the main reason I am posting is that I am from Memphis, as well (Collierville to be exact). Just thought I'd say hi to a fellow Memphian

[boomer1619]

Im writing just to put this at the top of the forum again. I am personally doing great right now, and even dating a wonderful woman, but I like to come here and read what people are up to, and lend a hand if I can. I have been reading a lot of NEW posts form NEW peopel who are going through something that I went through a year ago. I couldnt help but remember this guy called SuperDave who always wrote these really awesome posts about what NOT TO DO ina break up situation. I just read this one for the first time, and I really think all of you NEW and OLD folks on enotalone should read it. Dave is an inspiration, and you all can be the same. Hang in there everyone, And I will do my best to offer anyhting that I can to anyone.

 

Boomer

[SuperDave71]

Boomer,

 

Thank you so much...That really means alot. I try to help those who tried to help me as well....and again, I thank you

 

 

-SuperDave71

[fantasia2004]

oh yeah boomer hits it on the high note I am hoping for my time too!

 

thanks superdave.

[C.C.]

I am writing here with the same reason as Boomer's. I want it to be on the top of the forum for everyone to read it.

 

Superdave, I have spent the past two days to read all of the topics you posted here. You are wise and strong. I wish I had found them three months ago. I found comfort and hope (not in term of getting him back but that I will one day heal) after reading lots of your very sincere and wise advices to yourself and others.

 

Today is my one month of n/c. I didn't really understand how important and powerful it is till now after I did all of the things that I shouldn't have. Dear all, please do take what Superdave wrote VERY seriously. No Contact means No Mistakes.

 

Stay strong.

 

C.C.

[FCTex]

I wish I would have read this before.

 

My girlfriend of 1 1/2 years and I have been kinda.. falling out I guess. Can't really pick the word for it. We didnt fight, or anything, more less, we were spending alot of time together that it was getting old, quick.. We were used to spending just the weekends together, and every once in a while a week day, or 2, while she was at school.. this summer, unlike last, we're spending a ton of time together, me staying the night, and seeing her at work, and after work. I think we spent too much time together and too fast, and it started putting things down hill. Not to mention she was at home where we couldnt get intimate, and be comfortable like in her apartment. I also didnt like her friends, so we never hung out with them and I'd get mad if she did because I think their bad influences I was being jealous and controlling a little, and she would get even more distant when I'd say something.. I love her to death. She's my one real love. Out of the blue, a week ago, she wanted to take a break, "to think about us, since we're serious, and to think about school, and her major, and her career choices.. and just be alone to get back to things".. I could understand all that, and I respect it. We said we'd talk, and see each other, just not much as say we normally have.. That was a sat afternoon, sunday i saw her at church, and it hurt.. we ate lunch, and talked.. i got upset, and so did she.. we all cried..

 

We havent talked much. My phone calls go unanswered pretty much. My text messages get answered, but far and few. And my aim messages when she's on, get answered, but some are short, and direct. We still say say I love you to each other, and agreed that we'd try again, but when she was ready... The NC kinda just happened, I dont know why, or how.. I am still pretty upset and depressed about it all. I've been getting better until today.

 

I saw her at word tuesday for 20 minutes(she works part time for her dad sometimes in the summer). Chatted a little.. small talk.. Hugged her and she kissed my cheek, we exchanged I love you's.. I havent talked to, or seen her since Tuesday. talked to her on AIM on thursday.. Wednesday was strict NC. Friday was the same, as was all the weekend. I was suppose to meet her at church this morning, she said she'd show up earlier in the week, more than likely.... She didnt show up, which hurt me.. and I broke down and called her, only to leave a message.

 

I told her that I missed her at church, but it was ok, and that if she got this and wanted to eat something, call. I said I hope everything is fine. I then just told her I was sorry I called, that I shouldnt have, that we both need our space, and that I'm trying my hardest, but I miss her, and I love her.

 

I hung up after that last sentence. I regret calling, but at the same time, I know she'll hear the voice mail.. I've decided to just not call at all anymore. And I'm not texting, havent in a while.

 

It's only been a week, this is hard as crap..

 

I'm trying to keep busy, but any free second I get, I think of her. I don't want to push her away, but I dont want her to stray, or forget, I want her to have a reminder of me, and our happiness.

 

So, should I wait for her to contact me?? Or should, in about 3 weeks( a month total) should I try and contact her? That is, if she doesnt contact me, or we run into each other.

[fantasia2004]

Advice: Keep it up.....Don't be a jerk...Women hate flaky or arrogant men. Women can see through Bu**s**t a mile away. You just be you and stop trying to see, talk, touch, hug, etc etc her in anyway.

 

does that include men thinking women ar e flaky too?

 

what is being flaky?

 

high maintenance?

 

there was something else I wanted to ask you SuperDave, I will remember to write it down.

 

What ever happen to SuperDave. THE REAL DUDE who did those crazy stunts on t.v.?

[toonsy]

Been broken up for 1 1/2 months, but only in 1 week of NC now after telling him how I feel and learning he's seeing someone new now.

 

Maybe I made a mistake in telling him how I feel - but i dont regret it really. In a way, maybe he'll hold on to those thoughts in the back of his mind while with this 'rebound' (lets hope). Although he wants to stay in contact and says it wont affect his relationship with her - I am in NC phase. He can contact me if he wants.

 

Been one week. Honestly....each day is getting HARDER!

[jonb]

Hi, I just saw this board today while at work, while searching for answers, tidbits of advice and anything to give me hope..and I'm really glad I've found this message board, and especially glad I've found this thread - thanks SuperDave..

 

You see, my girlfriend whom i've loved, cared for and put my whole heart and sole into left me on the 16th of August (3 days ago). We lived together for a year, and had our ups and downs, but all in all it was the best time of my life. We were so happy, and I had flawless faith in our love for each other. We would always talk about our future together, and how beautiful our children will be. We shared so much together, and had so much in common.. I really feel or felt I guess, that she was the "one" for me. We had a fight on Monday, and usually we make up and move on..but we really hurt each other..and on Tuesday, she left. All in one day, she moved everything out of our house and just like that she was instantly gone out of my life - our life. I wrote her a letter telling her how sorry I was.. how I didn't want it to end this way, and how much I love her. When I gave it to her in person, she seemed really indifferent. Realizing she was gone really drove a stake through my heart.. and the last few days have been really hard. I contacted her on MSN, and I had a chance to tell her how I felt about her leaving me so coldly, and I respected her for telling me that it was because she needs time to herself.

 

So far, I havent' had much hope in seeing past this pain, and the reality that we may not ever be together again. I know she still loves me, and I still love her... it's really hard to accept we're not together after all of this time and effort. Lately, all I have been doing is trying to keep my mind off her by surrounding myself with work, friends and family.

 

I really do love her and wish she was a part of my life right now, but I'm going to try to take this advice from you, SuperDave. The last thing I want to do is push her away by saying stupid things to her, or by smothering her when she needs time. I think it's good advice, and if it'll help her realize what she's really missing out on, then I'm certainly willing. Plus, being so hurt right now, the last thing I want to do is set myself up for disappointment by calling her, only to hear she doesn't want to talk. I can't help but think that losing her was entirely my fault.. that if I didn't lose my temper when we were fighting, she would still be with me. I know it wasn't entirely my fault, but it's so easy to blame yourself when you think about things you could've done differently and when you're feeling so down in the dumps

 

This is going to be really hard. She really meant the world to me..

Here's to day 1 of NC. Wish me luck.

 

Thanks

[jonb]

Oh yah not that it's important but, we were together for 3 years and 7 months...my longest relationship ever.

[SuperDave71]

Echo,

 

 

How are you doing out there?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Echo]

Hey SuperDave..I am hanging in there. Thanks for asking.

I love your posts....they are always a breath of fresh air...and it always puts things in perspective for me. You are definetly one of my favorite, most positive posters

[LadyV]

This one's for SuperDave & anyone else who wants to give me a bit of advice/insight, etc.

 

I was with my ex for 4 years but ended the relationship in 2003 (doubted my feelings & wanted to be on my own). We stayed in regular contact & 14 months later i realised that i'd made a mistake & wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Although reluctant at first, in March 2005 he came back. Although things were good at the start, he walked away after 3 months & i was devastated because i didn't understand.

 

Wish i'd read all of these posts before because for the first 6 weeks after the break-up, I phoned, i cried, i went to see him, i wrote a long e-mail etc. & i pushed him away. I was a mess & although i thought i needed to do it at the time & didn't think i could control what i was doing, i look back now & could kick myself. We haven't spoken/seen each other for close to a month & i have no intentions of phoning, etc. However, we've started to text (weekly) but i don't know what's going on. He initiates some & always replies straight away but i don't want to be kidding myself that it's more than purely being polite, etc.

 

The problem is that since he walked away, he's said that he's pretty much had a break-down & can't cope with what's going on in his life (work, probs with his house, where he is in life etc.), & that the break-up wasn't in any way personal. Even though its difficult, I genuinely want to be there for him (even if its at a distance) but its hard.

 

Any ideas on what you think is going on & what i should do would be great. Thanks for reading

[waiting]

God damn, wish I'd found all this a year ago....

 

I have made every classic mistake in the book- over and over and over again. The one time a cracked it and told her to leave me alone permantly, she was got really upset. Told me she was willing to let me go if "thats what I needed" but left me in doubt that she really still loves me and will always feel a bond to me. So of course I couldnt leave, and said i will continue to wait until she works out if she ever wants to comes back or not.

 

But she is still seeing him, 14 months on. I cant hack it. I want to wait for her, but the pain is killing me. Now, after the last string of emotional trauma with me saying how much i love her and want her and asking when she is going to decide etc (yes, i cringe too...), she has called No Contact. She needs the space to work out what she wants in life, from hem, and from me.

 

And its a good thing. I only wish I had called it though. But I think I came accross as pretty together our last talk, and assured her i was perfectly capable of looking after myself.

 

So i see now it is time to put her aside for the moment and work on me. Maybe she will come back. I still feel like she may - cant explain why, but pretty sure its not just wishful thinking.

 

But SuperDave and other wise people have made me see it doesnt really matter in the long run. I will either get her back, or i will eventually move on and be a much stronger person for it. Win - win really.

 

But, i do know that I cant take her back on any terms. I will NOT be a backup if it doesnt work out with him. She has to leave him because she wants me, and he is cut out forever. I will not tolerate his existence if she comes back. And she better be damn sure its me she wants, because there is no way i am going through all this again.

 

So now its time to see if she misses me. I have never done that yet - have always been around for her. But now she gets to see what life is really like without me.

[Unchained_melody]

HI I have a question for SuperDave,

 

What if the other person (your ex who dumped u) is also doing the same thing that u said we should do?.

Like no contacting, thinking or expect that their dumpee would be the one who should call any minute. I don't get it?

[waiting]

I would like SuperDave thoughts on this too.

 

But from what I can gather, its the risk you run unfortunately. If they really care, and its "meant to be", they will be thinking of you anyway. They are one in control of them, and there is squat you can do about it either way. If they really want to know how you feel, they will ask you. (although in my case she knows full well how i feel about her and knows i want her back). If they are not thinking about you and dont care, its a done deal anyway.

 

All this wisdom from someone who was doing the clingy begging thing for over a year until just this week. Take my words with a dose of salt

 

But reading all those who are going through it has made me see a few things. Gotta give up trying to control anything about them or how they may or may not feel about you. Have to assume they are not coming back and run your life on that basis. That way you can deal with them not coming back, or be pleasantly surprised if they do but stronger and less exposed to further hurt if it doesnt work out again.

[Icydius]

Hi all, I'm new to this forum -- just found it tonight and haven't gotten to look around as much I'd like yet but I happened accross this forum. I think my boyfriend broke up with me but it hasn't been confirmed as he hasn't called me or made it official (but I guess him not calling IS official). We last spoke on Monday the 15th some time around 5:30pm. We were to talk later that night but didn't -- he didn't answer his phone when I called him but I just kinda thought he fell asleep or was busying doing something. I sent him a few IMs and didn't get a reply so I went to sleep. The next morning, I still hadn't heard anything from him, so I call him around 2pm lunch time just to see what's up. Still nothing, so I let it go -- I just assume he doesn't want to talk to me, but he still won't confirm this cos he won't respond. I left him alone for 8 or 9 days -- then today I just HAD to contact him. I've been tempted to sometimes but refused to ...then the lonliness really got to me this evening and I did. I IM'ed him saying, "I wonder if you miss me." Then about 15 mins later, I said, "Well I just wanted you to know anyway that I hope we keep in touch eventually because I still think you're a fun person." A few minutes later he signed off. I felt angry at myself for not being able to hold out more than 8 or 9 days!!! I kept saying to myself, if he wants to talk he knows my number, etc. but the lonliness was overwhelming tonight.

I'm wondering if I've blown it?? If I don't contact him again could there be a chance again or would this have pushed him further away?

 

We broke up once before (kind of) almost a year ago, but after about a week or 2, when I signed online, he spoke to me first like nothing really had happened, etc. We did get back together (who would've though). It hasn't been this way this time -- he's completely avoiding me altogether. I'm trying to get over it, but this was my first real relationship (sad, as I'm almost 29 years old -- he's 33 by the way) and I don't know how to go about doing this. I kind of think we were soulmates (and I think he may have thought the same) and would still like to be with him. Either the day before or the same day he stopped talking to me, he kept saying he loved me and wanted it to work out as much as me, and we would get through it and he didn't want to lose me either. I'm so confused.

 

I'm still so angry at myself for being so #@#!@&* WEAK!!!

[FCTex]

Dave, Anyone..

 

I'm in the midst of "moving on". trying to atleast. I'm feeling strong today, and tonight, which it's usually pretty bad..

 

I haven't contact my ex since Saturday, and it was only in response to her making contact to me. I've otherwise, gone NC, on my part.. she broke up with me 2 weeks ago..

 

 

She called, for the 1st time in 2 weeks, tonight. I didnt know what to do, I answered, and we had a wonderful conversation. No talk of what happened, nothing really. She mentioned her brother broke up with her girlfriend, that they were arguing alot, and he needed some space and time to just chill, and do whatever. She said she can't blame him.... kinda made it sound like she was implying thats what she was doing.. In any instance..

 

It was a light conversation. Friendly, upbeat. I acted like I was fine, moving on, working hard on myself and at work.... I want her back, but i'm working on not lingering on that hope. I dont know what will happen, but I'm doing my own thing, and if it happens, then it'll surprise me, and it'll be fine, if it doesnt, then I'm still better off for moving on with my healing...

 

How should I handle this? She said she'd call me more, and I even mentioned hanging out sometime on the weekend(when, or where, or if ever, is a unknown,) and she said definitely..

 

Is she just starting to realize what she did, or feel alone? Missing me? Is she curious that I'm holding off like I am, after 5 days of just torn apart, and calling her and texting, etc when we broke up?

 

How should I handle this guys? I dont wanna act like I dont really care about her, I do. I love her, and I DO want to get her back. However, I'm not wanting to give her too much lee way. She can't do this to me, and think I'm gonna run back, or be so easy.. I wanna keep myself somewhat safe, and not risk alot of falling back hard again, or getting my hopes up, but I wanna better a chance with her, and not act like i'm done with her totally..

 

Thanks!

[Rickster]

SuperDave... you know what... Ive done all the things you've said not to do (that's cause you didn't write this up before) and your answers are totally right. Ive noticed it. If it wasn't for all my stupid actions that I did (and what you said not to do) I wouldn't be in even more sh*t than Im already now. Even before I read this post i slowly started to give her space thinking that if I do she will think of me as a friend and atleast she would still pick up my phone calls.

 

I love her very much and it hurts to hear her always with her new boyfriend. But I just take it eventhough sometimes it annoys me so much I go all frustrated and she kinds of notices from my words when I do call her. I call her everyday, once. And the plain simple reason is because I want her to know that I haven't forgotten her and it makes sure she hasn't forgotten me. I call her with a false pretence as a friend, but obviously I still love her but I try so hard not to show it. Hopefully, soon I will be able to handle my anger, and both of us can be close friends once again and then her feelings for me might come back...

 

Dave thanks. Although you should have written it earlier!!!