Lil Eddie

After I was done I realized what I had done, I F**ked up bad. As far as Vegas I was playing with her. When I was at the store yesterday I was thinking. Eddie you never gave yourself an opportunity to be alone, you never have given yourself a chance. You call it quits bc it hurts so bad and spending time with her bc its better that accepting the truth about life. I'm in complete denial im trying to snap out of it so I can have control of me. I feel like I let you down Sundaymorning but most of all let myself down especially if she does get pregnant. I will be bringing a child into a F**cked up situation.

As I was driving she asked where are we going. I told her Vegas. She was like no really where are we going? I told her again Vegas to get married. She was like yeah im already having your baby. or im already pregnant. I can't remember. Then she asked again, really where are we going. I told her to rent a movie. So we did. We got back to her house and her sis was on the bed. We started to watch a movie. Toward the end of the movie she comes closed to me. I was laying completely down and she lays on my arm so I hugged her for a while. After the movie ended we got up and left to the store with her sister. We got back and started to watch another movie. Towards the end of the movie she comes closer to me. I was laying sideways with a pillow so she lays her head on my pillow in a spooning position so I hugged her again. After we watched the movie we talked She only had a Tee and her panties while we were watching TV which I though what weird she usual wears bottoms. Anyways I feel asleep shortly after she turned the TV off and we went to sleep. Yes. I did hug her at night. This morning my alarm rang and I moved to hit snooze. Then I put my arm around her she said it's hot. Usually means get off me sucker. So I turned around, not moving she placed her arm on me which again strange like showing me I still want you close. I'm at work entertained while I write my story. I want to check her things but im not it will kill me inside. I want to call her but I need to be strong. I cannot be worried about whether she calls her guy(s) friend who she misses. Now I don't now what's going to happen with her there is a 70% chance she won't get pregnant but 30% is still a lot. I have to get back to work.

We then got ready and went to get some food. As we were eating i told her my dream was bugging me. I told her one last thing, I forgot how i worded it but It was "When your friend gives you more time you are going to pick me to the curb." She was like yeah what do you expect.. I asked what do you mean. She was like I wouldnt do that. She also told me that she still felt trapped. I Was like wow im giving you all the space you want she was like yeah i know well i really dont feel like that. ?????. I asked her do you think you were holding me back? she was like yes. you dont go and kick it with your friends. It was a weired conversation. As i was driving she checked her phone and was like no one calls me. She looked at me and again told me you see no one calls me. I was like whatever you know you do. She was no really no one calls me. I told her yeah you call everyone though. She replied yeah because no one calls me. I think she was trying to make me feel better. Im stepping out to lunch. Ill continue with the rest of my weekend but she seemed very affection it for the rest of the night.

I DID SOMETHING VERY STUPID THIS WEEKEND! Well let me tell you what happened. I got off work on Friday and she called me. We talked and I told something about what I had found out. She got a bit upset bc she it does seem like in stalking her. No more of that I promise. Well she ended up calling me back and asking me if I wanted to go shopping with her, I agreed. We went had a good time. In the morning I woke up and left to work from her house. I walked back in to drop something and she was checking her phone. I hear it close as soon as I walked in. Whatever. I was at work and she calls me. We made plans to go to Knott's. I got off work and she called me to tell me that she was on her way home too. I meet up with her at her house and I waited. She left her phone with her mom. We went to the mall, walked around and also found out Knott's sold out. Well we went to a club and had a good time. We got to her house about 2-3. She got her phone as I was in the restroom and went to the living room. I walked to the living room b/c I was going to my car. I hear her leaving a message as I walked by it was "I left the phone with my mom give me a call tomorrow." I was in a hurry she hung up and asked where are you going like when someone gets caught. I did not answer and step out. She asked two more time somewhat loud b/c I was outside, I yelled to my car. I went back in and she was in the room She asked me something else and I did not answer. She knew I was bugged. So she went to the restroom and left her phone in the room. I got things ready for bed and tried to get some sleep. She came in and asked if I was wake. I laid down with me and I didn't say anything she asked what was wrong and I said nothing. She started to scratch me back and my head. Then I turned around and did the same to her. Well in the morning. I told her a had a dream that we were out having a good time and when we came home that she called her friend to let him that she missed him. Similar to what happened with her. I also told her that I felt very stupid in the dream bc we are out having a good time and that she has that person on her mind and the first thing she does is call when she gets home then I told her the rest of the dream. Well we went back to sleep. I was about 11 and I started to fool around with her as she laid there. She got into it and well this is the bad part. I went in without a condom and I told her that I came inside of her. She does not let me go in without a condom. She told me you better not ill kick your a**. I went to put one on and we started to go at it and I took it off. I told her I was not wearing one and she was like whatever. She checked and asked why are you not wearing one. I told her it fell off. I continued and she did not stop me. I was about to finish and I told her. I saw a look on her face like oh, no. I pulled out. That's the bad thing I did. I regret doing it. We laid in bed for a little while. She started to clean up and she picked up her phone. She looked at me and told me hold on and stepped out the room. I got up went to the restroom and saw her talking in the living room. I got back and she was in the room ironing and still talking. I asked for some socks and she answered. She finished and stepped out to get more cloths. I jumped in the shower and got out. I walked by and she was in the living room still on the phone. She yells at me. I walk back and while on the phone she tells me did you just walk by my mom just with a towel. Was like yes she puts the phone down but still yelling she told me some other things and laughing. I was getting dressed but I could still hear the conversation. It sounded like he did something and was trying to explain. Whatever. She came back in the room. I was still tripping on what I had done.

Sundaymorning, you have been and inspiration for me. I believe that God puts people in our paths for a reason. For whatever reasons he just does. Thank you again for your time and support. I know I have been stubborn and in denial and it can easy cause people to loose their patience. I was thinking of the next time we have a good conversation or the next time I leave from her house to tell her "I Love You" and just walk away and see what kind of reaction I get. But after reading you post it cleared my head. Your right about the heart, it's the mind that plays tricks on us. I have printed out your postings and read them whenever I get down or think of doing something stupid. Now I understand the phrase "Love is deaf, dumb, blind and stupid."

I think that life is over, that I will never ever meet anyone. I know it's a lie and that there is someone out there that will give me everything that she was never able to give me. But for now I need to learn to be alone. I have never given me the opportunity to do so. I cave in and go crawling just to spend time with her when she calls me and there I am scratching her head and her back while we go to sleep. I keep checking her things, I did so today. Every time that I do so I get upset, mad and I begin to go crazy. Again I will make a promise to myself not to do so. It's better for me not to know a damn thing because it only ends up hurting me. I used to say "To each is its own." She can do whatever she wants now because I have to focus on me, Eddie. It's all about Eddie now and what Eddie needs. What I need now is to find myself and be happy. She keeps me around because she is afraid, afraid of being alone. I fear she will forget me if I walk away but in reality she wont. Day 1 of the healing process begins! I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to have fun with my friends and not wonder what she is doing or have to rush because what if she calls and she wants me to out with her or go to her house.. My life cannot revolve around her!!

I'm tired of complaining, of asking the same questions of why, why. I do love this girl and it's apparent throughout these postings. Everything that happens from now on is my fault because im the idiot that chooses to stay. Like my friend said she wants to feel free and enjoy the single life so she is talking to guys. That hurts because im not enough. Like sundaymorning has been saying, im in denial. I know of what is going on but im truly in denial. I'm thinking no, she calls me everyday and who is the one she is going out with? Who spends the night? ME ME. That's might be so but at what expense? My heart! I could stay being her friend and things might change or they will get worse. I'm going to lunch ill continue when I get back.

Thanks for everything Sundaymorning!!!!!!! I hope you dont stop posting please

im addicted and i seriously have a problem. I cant get her off my mind but i will. I know im going to cave in but i will not be a p**sy. Everytime i fall i will get up and try again. I will get over her i will not let her string me along. I cannot believe that after everything I still love her and am willing to forgive but enough is enough. I cannot say that im completely through but i will get there. I will start thinking with my head instead of my heart!

Why cant i let go i want to. I get pissed of when i hear everything that is going on with her and her friend but when i cool down i punk out and cave in.

I have been thinking. I love this girl there is no question about that. She knows that and she does not think we should be together right now but she told me you never know what will happen. It hurts, it really hurts a lot especially because she wants to get to get to know someone else but is not honest with me. I don't remember where I read this or if someone told me but here it is. I love this person I don't know if she loves me as much and by the way she is she is very selfish of her but that's okay I will be the bigger person in all of this. I want her to be with me but I also want her to be happy and if being with me is not enough then so be it. My friend told me in the begging, she deserves to be happy too. Everyone knows that saying if you love something well let it go, yes but it you love someone you will want them to be happy. I guess what im trying to say is that I love her and I want her to be happy even if it's not with me. I'm not giving up I could fight for her but I have to be real with myself that we are not getting back together. If it happens in the future I would love it. I will distance myself as best as I can a little at a time everyday.

Okay I know I have asked these questions a billion times but here we go again. If she misses him and all that junk why let me spent the night? Why let me spoon her while we sleep and lock my legs with hers? Why left me touch her and hold her? Why. Why? That's it im going to stop showing affection.

NotMyself, This is what happened. I got home and I was feeling okay. I jumped in the shower and when I got out my sis told me that she had called. That she wanted her ID. So I called back and she was like I need my ID and I told her pick it up then. Wow argument, like the ones we used to have. She hung up on me because I told her I could drop it off b/c I was going out. I was cool the whole time. She hung up on me. I called back and she did not pick up I called again then we talked. I told her I was going to drop it off at 10 then I hung up on her. I was out it was about 9:15 she called I did not pick up, and then she called again. I picked up. She was like where are you? I answered im in the restroom. The she asked again where are you? I told her at my friend's house, she asked which one? Talk about a million questions. Then she was like why are you trying to be all secretive. I was like what do you mean. Anyways I got to her house about ten then I drop off her things. I texted "I left your things with your mom. I HOPE IM NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING YOU HAVE GOING ON." She called me what do you mean by that. I was like nothing you did not want to your cousin to know you're awake so that's what I meant. She was like I don't know you have been acting weird. You spy on me while im the restroom. I was like wow hold up, I walked by and I heard you on the phone. I asked you about it and that's it. She was like since your here are you going to spend the night or not? I was like yeah I guess. I walked in she was telling all her problems I just laid in bed with her not touching, minding my own business. Then she came close to me so I could hug her and scratch her head. About 11 she jumps in the shower and I went out to lock my car. I get back to the room and she had left her phone. So I checked her out going texts. There was one or to with good morning and good night sweet dreams XOXO. The one that caught my attention read "I miss you alot seriously XOXOXOXOXO." Then he called I did not pick up he left a message but I erased it. She came back from taking a shower so we watched a little TV and then we were going to bed. I told her a funny thing happened today. I got a text from someone I did not know. It said "I miss you XOXOX" she was like that's funny. I was like yeah that is... This morning I got up and left before I stepped out the room I told her "I miss you alot seriously XOXOXO" she was like what? I repeated it two more times. She was like are you telling me? I told her I was thinking about the text I got. She was like you are acting weird. I was driving home and I thought wait am I acting weird maybe just a little bit but why does she get offended? Why? B/C/ she has something to hide! She called me this morning to ask if I left her ID. Then she calls me again to tell me why I did not tell her the phone rang. I told her I was out moving and locking my car. She was like yeah. I was like I would have told you. Whatever. I keep thinking you miss him, well wait until I back off then you can miss two people. I tell myself don't pick up the phone don't talk to her and what do I F**ken do, pick up the phone. I'm done sending her signals about what she is doing. I'm not going to compete im going to back off that's what she wanted then that's what she is going to get!!

Damn everyone has given me awesome advice. I don't know how to thanks you all. I was down this morning. She called me at lunch I was like whatever she again asked what is wrong. I said I just have a lot on my mind BC of work. She also asked I called you yesterday did you get it. I replied oh, yeah I did but I didn't feel like talking to anyone. She was like you should have called me. I was like that kind of defeats the whole purpose of not wanting to talk to anyone she was like yeah but you should have called me to tell me that you did not want to talk to anyone and we could have talked about it. Then she laughed. She was telling me about lunch and how she was still hungry. I told her I have to go im back at work. She was like okay talk to you later. I then freaked texted her and called her back. Damn. I asked about her daughters Birthday and whether she has everything ready. Then I told her that's all I have to go now. She texted me about Knott's and how she has a coupon. I have not responed towards that but I did forward her a text which read. Thought for today..... As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. I'm feeling better right now. I'm headed in the right direction but I have to try hard then she will realize that im slipping from her grasp.

SuperDave, please help me out on this. What is your opinion. I feel like im going to loose it. link removed Thanks!!!