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You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!


SuperDave71
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I ask myself the same questions...but then I think of how good I was to him and that he most definitely must be thinking of me. It is like you said all out of our hands...the "ball" is in their court. The surprising thing I learned is that I am stronger that I first thought...man I swore I would not make it through those first 2 weeks....but look at me now: a month later and I am still standing! You're gonna think of her and it's cool to do that...just think that every day you're apart you are growing a little stronger!

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Hey Guys,

 

I just wanted to add my 2 cents...

 

 

If there were any amount of love and understand betwen 2 partners, they will always think of you. YOu must remember this...in our time of hurt ( the dumpee ) we always play the "What if" game with ourselves. We are hurt. We second guess everything. How many times have you analyzed what they had to say BEFORE the breakup rather than EVERY WORD they convey to you now? What I mean is this...they call you on the phone and you pick up in a weak moment. They tell you, let's say, they still care about you. We would sit for hours asking ourselves, if they cared, why are they doing this to us? Or even worse..what do they MEAN 'care'...does that mean they still love me? ( Good grief!!! )

We over-analyze and it keeps us up at night. It consumes our thoughts. We can't concentrate on anything BUT THEM. Do they have the same issues? Possibly..but right now YOU are the one that matters. You are reading this forum...you are seeking guidance..not them. You can sit there and mope and feel sorry for yourself all you want. What REAL good it it going to do.

 

I live by this:

 

 

"The smallest effort is greater that the BEST intension."

 

If we all could dry our tears, stop thinking the worse and pick our chin off the floor...we could realize YOU DO HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THINGS FOR THE BETTER. The sooner you realize this the better. Time is of the essense. I preach over and over again about what not to do...Mistakes happen because you cannot pull yourself together. No one wants to hear "There are other fish in the sea" and you certainly don't want anyone else to step in and take them away from you either...

Are we more upset because we have to find someone else, or is it that we have put in all of the valuable time and efffort in getting to know this person and you don't want to have to do it all over again with someone new...or it is the fact you are unhappy with yourselve and we are putting pressure on the EX to provide us with part of ourselves? I think we relate the person (our ex's) with happiness. This is were we are all wrong. Sure they can make us happy..but WE are the one's responsible for our own happiness. They just happened to be there. Think of alllllllllllllll the times growing up that your partner wasn't there and you were happy...

We must remember, the secret is NOT FALLING IN LOVE....it's STAYING in love and apprciate what you have WHEN YOU HAVE IT. People come and people go in our lives. When you find that certain someone you click with...don't take them for granted. The reasoning is because someone may treat them exactly the way they WANT to be treated and take them away from us. Who fault is it? No one's. That's just the way life is. It's all about choices. We make good one's and bad one's...the key is to learn from your mistakes. Let me say this again...

 

 

THE KEY IS TO LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES

 

 

Have you ever seen an old couple in a resturant not speaking to one another?

 

Have you ever been in a room with your lover and NOT acknowledge them?

 

 

These are just some of the things I think about.

 

 

"Get busy living, or get busy dying"

 

 

Love like there is no tomorrow and let someone know everyday while you have them how much they enrich your life.

 

 

Those out there suffering through NC, I wish you well. Keep doing what you are doing because in the end 1 of 2 things will happen.

 

1. You will leearn to love yourself first

2. You will realize that if they come back...it will be because THEY wanted to and if they don't ....so be it.

 

 

 

I wish you all well....until my next post...

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

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Loved the last post... You've helped me out alot... I want to share my story as it backs up what Super Dave and everyone else agreed on.. It might be long so just ignore it if you want.

 

I've learned so much on this forum, it has given me alot of strength. Unforunatly I had to learn this the hard way by myself, but now I am going through it again and doing much better. Here is my story... I'd appreciate it if SuperDave or anyone can add their two cents... I think my story will just show you how Superdave is so right.

 

Alright... we dated for 2yrs, and were really really close.. she ended things once before (probally because she was to comfortable and wanted more) and I was so depressed, continued to chase after her and she continued to pull away and hurt me ...as soon a I stopped caring about her ( Didnt tell her.. it just happened from being hurt so much ....especially in one situation that lead to me not caring).. She came back, and we became closer then ever. We dated for another year and things were amazing. Then.. She began a job as a lifeguard.. The work crew began to go out almost every summer night, hanging out, getting drunk, etc... She again turned cold on me, treating me like I was nothing etc.. and our relationship went terrible (Id get pissed & she'd push away), then she broke things off. We continued to talk and hang out... she told me how much she loved me etc... She was playing me pretty bad. I continued to stick by her, being there for her. She began to separate (not return my calls, not calling me or wanting to get togesther but still talked often and about us) But to me was still a MAJOR part of my life, always thinking about her .. Then other day I called her .. She asked how the girl situation was.. I said nothing serious.. then I found out she is now with a guy from work, she still tried telling me how much she cared and how much what he had meant to her but I didnt listen, said I didnt really want to talk about it and ended the call quick .. I knew they were close, seeing they worked everyday together ...but this was a shock and hurt me.. I became depressed again .. waking up feeling terrible .. But this time I learned from my mistakes (and thanks to this forum) .. I began NC last Tuesday after we talked... I had her on invisable on msn till Sunday, where she said "Hey" I didnt answer.. the next day she called twice.. I didnt answer.. then again last night as soon I came on she said "Hey =) I called you earlier! " I responded .. "oh really.. my house or cell? Sorry I never knew you called" and ended the convo quick and made an excuse to get off. I feel much better already. This girl basically ended what we had for another guy.. and I can tell she is missing either, "knowing I care about her", or "the fact that she controls my life" already.. And I'm starting to feel in control and better already.

 

Any advice on what to do now? Pretending to not care is leading to me actually not caring and it feels good even though I am still heartbroken... Superdave's advice really works, trust me. I'd appreciate any response.

 

For everyone else, from my experience When you push, they pull... trust me. People want what they cant have.

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After my husband left back in May i was devistated. Sometimes still am. We have a daughter so I dont think the NC will work for me. But he still comes over and we do things. I still help him out by buying his kids school stuff, giving him gas money, buying him and his kids groceries. He acts as though he does not want to take anything from me but yet he still does. Am I fooling myself into thinking he might want to get back together and he is using me. He has a gf and comes to see me when she is not in town or when he comes home from her house. Am I really fooling myself??

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Sadandlonely,

 

 

I don't think you fooling yourself whatsoever. Be aware of potential signs that it could be using you. Make sure you take care of YOU and the kids first. I feel foolish stating this because its so obvious. I am sorry things didn't go as planned but just remember, you can make it through this. As far as the gilfriend is concerned, do you best to NOT let this try and get to you. It almost sounds like he wants his cake and eat it to. He may rely on her for a physical relationship and you for the emotional part. DO NOT LET THIS MAN USE YOU. I know you love him, but sometimes people can be so cruel and the heartbroken ex will settle for whatever the dumpee will offer.

Get you pride back in order and lay down some rules for yourself and him too if you need them. We are all here for you and God bless and your children for going thru such a hard ordeal.

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

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Hi all,

 

If we the dumpee found out our ex (the dumper) was dating someone else, would this close the door on any hope of getting back.

 

Im not sure if my ex is with anyone else or not. Dont think so, but suppose probably best not to know.

 

If it was the case just makes me have silly ideas going around in my head that it would mean she has no need to think about me anymore because she with anyone, no need to miss me etc.

 

Just interested on anyones thoughts on that

 

please someone tell me im being silly and my mind is exagerating too much LOL

 

ive been doing N/C for about 3 1/2ish months, split for 5 and bit months

the N/C is helping and i am growing stronger, but, miss her and her daughter LOADS. would love for her to get in contact.

 

I am stronger, and am at the point where I am strong enough to not to want to contact her, but still want her to contact me.ALOT!

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Same here...I miss my ex and especially her son. Her son and I became such close friends during my almost 2 yr relationship. We had arguments and disagreements, but that's part of a relationship. I think that adds passion and is normal. Well, we made major long term plans and I finally got a home for us, but she didn't want to move in together until we were married. I respected that. One day she "needed some space". I gave it to her. After a week I called and asked how things were. She started to blow me off so I asked if she was ending the relationship, perhaps a bad call. She said "if you need an answer than yes". I couldn't believe it. She didn't have any answers and "had nothing to say to me". I couldn't understand why she would do this. I don't think I did anything wrong. I called her back that night and pleaded for her to give me a reason and not to do this; give her more time,etc. She turned her phone off and wouldn't speak to me. She called the next day and left a message saying that now was a good time to talk. I was so upset that I couldn't return the call. Two weeks went by when she called in the middle of the night to hear my voice. My question is, Our relationship was great up until the last week. I don't know what happened, which is the worst. I've done N/C now for about three weeks since she called that one night. Will she ever call me again?? I love her so much I can't imagine that she isn't thinking about me and doens't want to talk. For now I'm working on myself, but I guess she doesn't miss me enough yet and needs more time and space? I'm not sure what to think. I hope she wants to work it out, but I know it's best that she contacts me first. I'm afraid if I call her it will only hurt me all over again. Any advice?? Thanks all.

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Hi all,

With the help of SuperDave71, I've held strong through this 5 wk. breakup and N/C after a great 2 yr. relationship . I heard from her after the second week in the middle of the night to "hear my voice". By the way she broke up with me and I never got a reason... I was hurt after that and forced myself to do N/C. The only thing I really did was send one card, not much on it and one text message. This was all in the days following the breakup. I thought I would never here from her again.

Well low and behold...a phone call yesterday right after I get home from work. I DID NOT ANSWER, even though I new it was her, she has a special ring on my phone so I know who it was. I stayed strong and figured I'd let her ponder what I was doing instead of the other way around for once. I'm not sure what to say to her and also what she wanted to say to me. She didn't leave a message. I think I did the right thing by not answering it. I do love her and she did say that she'd always love me, which was very confusing. If you love somebody why aren't you with them?? I gave her time and space. But man, I was up most of the night thinking about her and wondering what it was she had to tell me. I've been working on myself, setting new goals, and starting to feel pretty good. There is still that void in my life that I miss so much, HER. I know that I should not call her back, but how long do I wait to speak to her? Let her call a few more times to make sure she really wants to talk?? Thanks for the advice.

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OCD,

 

NC is working for you so far. Remember, NC is for you..NOT her. This is not a plot or a scam to get her back but a loving gesture in letting her see what life without would be like. **WARNING** It dosn;t sound lie you are ready to speak...yet. Why? Beacuse if you do answer and she just wants to "see how you are" and then says bye...you will be crushed and start the "Why" and "What if" stage again. Let her make the effort a few more times ..2 or 3. Then when you feel strong enough ...pick up the phone and have a BRIEF converstaion with her. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP, LOVE, I MISS YOU....

 

 

You can do it OCD,

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

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OCD,

 

 

I am not a professional, nor a doctor or a therapist.... You can do this. I give advice based on my mistakes and what I know has worked for me and thousands of other people. I wish you the best in your endevor. Please remember, none of us have the answers..we can only help you based on what we know. Good luck my friend!

 

 

 

--SuperDave71

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i was the dumper. I am female. We had dated for a year and we really loved each other, but we were horrible communicators and started to argue all the time about really stupid things. He was a bit self centered. When things were good, they were very very good, we were very compatible and loved to ski, climb, backpack, surf, etc etc together, but when things were bad, they would end in these all out fights where neither of us would ever give in until we just couldn't fight anymore. he has a very high stress job and an anger/stress problem (he had an ulcer too).

 

It had been 2 months since I broke up with him and he had sent friendly e-mails all during that time with subtle i miss yous, the longest he ever went was maybe 2 weeks, but he knew i was away for more than 1 of them. Sometime he sent an email every three days. They were always light, but had a small hint like 'I miss you' or 'i miss my two favorite climbing partners' or 'I have been really bummed out over the last few weeks'. I was always friendly and wrote back, but never really acknowledged the words. Then at around two months he invited me over for dinner to meet his mom and aunt that were in town. i figured i could go as a friend, but it stirred up a lot of emotion in me. I had recently started dating another guy. He wrote me after coming over and said 'thanks for coming over, you looked really great.' I didn't write back to the email because i was at the coast, with said new bf. (I regret now going out with someone so soon, it does not solve your problems, only acts as a distraction to get your mind off things.) He called on Sat night and left a message saying he hadn't heard back from me and hoped i made it home from dinner ok. On Monday I wrote him a sort of short email, and he called immediately and starting giving me the 20 questions - asked where i had been and who i had gone with. I told him i went with someone I was seeing. he got very upset (this was mid August, one month ago) and argued with me, and we ended the call on a bad note. the next morning he wrote me and said 'sorry for yesterday. it was not my intention to get you mad. i guess i was a bit bummed out to hear that you already have a new boyfriend. i was always hoping that things would work out between us. i guess i can understand that you have moved on. i guess it is now time for me to move on as well.'

 

 

So THEN, to make a long story short, I started thinking more about my ex, my new bf did something rude and i dumped him, then I heard from my ex was going camping 4 days over labor day weekend. i was sad and wanted to go with him. i asked him who he was going with and he listed off a bunch of his friends and then said 'and this new girl i'm seeing' but then proceeded to talk her down and said she's a cool girl, but she just backpacks, and 'she doesn't ski, you know that will be a problem' (he and i had skied every weekend all winter). But then he called me THE FIRST DAY after he got back from the weekend right after he got off work and set plans with me to go to sushi. we had been talking about going prior.

 

So when sushi came, we went and ate and drank sake. On the walk home, i was really feeling attracted to him, and really wanting to kiss him (i'm sure the sake helped lower my inhibitions, and we always had GREAT attraction and physical intimacy). i asked him if he was still going out with that girl? He said, 'not really, she'll be a good friend, shes a cool person' on and on talking her down saying it wasn't that serious. i grabbed his arm and said can i kiss you? and gave him a passionate kiss! when we were done, i said 'sorry', sort of embarrassed but happy, and he said 'that was nice'. We went back to my place and were talking and he said that i needed to tell him what happened with the guy i had been seeing. i told him the guy did something dumb and i dumped him. He asked me, 'if that hadn't have happened, would you have still broken up with him', and i paused. He said 'you have to think about the answer?' and i told him he could ask either of my best girlfriends, i had been talking about and thinking about and missing him (my ex) before the current bf had done anything stupid.

 

our conversation got cut short, and he had to go. before he left i asked if i could kiss him again, and he said he didn't thik that would be a good idea, we still had a lot to discuss. the next day he wrote and said 'i enjoyed hanging with you last night and it was nice to hold you again even though the situation is a bit weird. i need to come back as soon as you have some of that good beer ready for tasting...' (i brew beer) i write back and say call me if you want to do something this weekend, i should be around......no response.

 

then on monday i get an email from him saying he had a 'great weekend surfing at the coast, and could i watch his dog for him the next weekend when he went away for business'. I called him up and said i could probably watch his dog, but that i felt weird that he had not addressed anything we had talked about the previous Thurs. I then asked him if he went to the coast alone. he said he went with the girl he had been seeing - he said that he'd already had the plans before we met on Thursday. I got very defensive and said that i knew he had to be thinking one way or the other......was he interested in trying to work things out with me, or interested in continuing on with this other girl. i wouldn't have even freaked out if he had said he didn't want to work it out with me, but i just felt like i wanted to know what was going on and what his feelings were. Should i stay or should i just move on. He got upset at me and said that i didn't have the right to be throwing down ultimatums. he told me i should be saying sorry that our conversation got cut short and would i like to continue it at some point. we ended up having a knock down drag out fight just like old times. we ended the call.

 

the next morning he emailed me and said 'Why? Do you not know when you push me? Why does it have to be so hard? Sorry for letting it get to me....'

 

Then i wrote him and said i was sad for the outcome, sorry for my part, and asked him if he wanted to get together the next weekend on a hike with the dogs and finish our discussion

 

 

Anyway, blahblahblah.......

The last thing that happened was he sent me an email that said 'thanks for asking me to get together. i would really like that, but i feel as though our last conversion was a repeat of every problem that we have had. i so wish things were different with us. i love you and wish i could be with you. i just need to be able to communicate with the person i'm with. our last conversation brought up so many old bad feelings. i do not know what to do. i can not live in those situations, no matter how much i love you. and i am afraid it can not change. i do not know what to do...'

 

I wrote him back a very apologetic loving, but not pushy or pursuing letter, and that was all last Friday and i haven't received a call or email from him since.

 

 

So that's where i am now. I wrote a closure letter out to him but it's in my drafts folder (i'll PM anyone a copy if there is interest or it would help with advice). I want to send it, but i'm not going to. I know we have arguments, maybe i'm dumb to want to get back thinking we can work on that, but i really really love him and we are so compatible in every other way. I broke up with him because we had started disrespecting each other too much. i regret going with someone else, it was too soon, but I don't feel guilty, because we both have. In a nutshell, I want to be a better communicator and be back with him. Do you think he is using this girl to hurt me/make me jealous, or just to distract him from thoughts of me. I don't think its really serious, truly, i don't think he was talking her down to me to spare my feelings. I'm assuming everyone just thinks NC is the way to go, even though i was the dumper that wants to come back.......

 

 

Anyway, i've already pretty much decided that i'm full on in NC mode. I just want peoples unbiased opinions from the description. how could he have said all those things for 2 1/2+ months, and then turn in a matter of two weeks with a new girl and not wanting me back at all. i feel sort of angry because i feel he drew me back in and when i was reeled in, he threw me back out to sea.

 

I am strong. I'm not going to have a tizzy over it. If it doesn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be. i just hate being in such limbo and would rather he just call me and say i'm dating this girl and I don't want to get back with you. instead he ends it with an 'i love you and want to be with you but don't know if i can. i don't know what to do.......... '

 

 

I was the last to contact him. it has been 6 days

(bwahahaha! i guess that's nothing.

feels long though considering our history)

 

UGH! HELP!

 

 

 

PS SuperDave, you rock! you give great advice.....thanks for this post

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Hey there,

 

 

It's easy to use someone as a distraction if the past relationship was rocky or had issues. If it didn't, you wouldn't be having this issue. I think he is having doubt right now because of two things.

 

1) The new girl hasn't given him an issue to deal with ...yet

2) He doesn't have to guess with her

 

 

I am certain he thinks of you and she is a distraction....for now.

 

 

 

I would start NC right away and stay away for a few weeks. I am sure he will e-mail you soon or contact you within a few days or weeks. Hang in there. Give him what he needs right now.....SPACE......

 

Give him all the space he needs....

 

Good luck and keep me posted,

 

 

SuperDave71

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thanks superdave, i think it's sage advice.......

 

i am strong, thats the thing. i take action when needed (the initial breakup, i don't believe in stringing someone along with 'i need time and space' though now i am KICKING myself for getting into a relatiosnship so fast - mybe eventually he will feel the same way), and i'm not clingy no matter how much i care for him. i really do believe if it's meant to be, it will happen. NC is not that hard, but i am totally wondering what he is thinking and what he's doing, esp on the weekends when i know he's with her. we were always the weekend warriors going on adventure everytime

 

i'm on like agamemnon!

thanks for the advice, i'll keep ya posted!

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