You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[johnh1984]

All the stories in here give me hope for myself. To be strong and not give in to temptation and that longing. Here is my story and advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

We broke up around the end of August 2011 she left me. The reasons being were not being supportive, drinking, drugs, and finally the worst one of all was when she got an abortion and I told her off when she needed my help. I was in a different state of mind as I did not want to get the abortion and she did it anyways and it tore me inside. I almost went of the deep end by killing myself because of drugs. We had ups and downs yet always managed to say we loved each other and would be together forever.

 

I did my part in the end and so did she. Immediately after the break up she found someone new and stays at his house all the time. She has never been one to deal with her emotions and be alone. When we met it was love at first sight, what I didnt know she was on anti-deps, aderal, seizure medications and some other things. She was very emmotional and I dealt with it the best I could. Over our time together she stopped taking all those medications.

 

Long story short around mid September I asked her out on a date, she agreed. Remember she is still with this other guy. We went out but then the feelings came back to her she started to cry and blame me for everything. So i took it and just sat there. We hung out the next day at my house we watched a movie I started to become needy. Bad in my part. She slept over nothing sexual. A couple days later she told me she missed me, we still said I love you and so on. One night at 2 am I get a call and she says Im coming over. I said ok. In the morning I got her Jamba Juice and everything was fine. Later that night she went to my house and waited for me. Then she called me and said "I cant do this" and left. We would text randomly and everything seemed fine, till I started to pressure her on choosing. One Friday we went out and I told her I couldn't do this as it wasn't fair for anyone involved - What I meant by that was it wasn't fair for me, her, and the other guy. We decided to not see each other. Than the next Tuesday she called me and said if I could change her taillight and I said sure. We never got together after that as I told her no more. Last Friday we talked and decided we weren't going to communicate anymore - but she said text anymore. I said fine I will no longer contact you. She said I never said not talk but if that's what you want. Today Oct 10th after we decided not to talk she emailed me "Hope this makes you laugh" it was some joke she sent me. I have made a lot of changes since she left I joined AA, see a Homeopathic doctor, therapist and turned my world completely around to be a better person for her and myself. I have no idea if no contact is the way to go and I need advice. Sorry if the story jumps around a bit. I just do not understand she says no more but then sends me an email. Thanks.

 

Sorry forgot. She said stuff like "I know will be together in the end, I love you, I miss you, I want babies with you, I still wear my engagement ring when hes not around." She split up with me. I don't understand what any of this means, I know shes confused and hurt. She stopped telling me this on Friday but she did contact me like I said via email today. I never replied, I usually do.

[thekoreandream]

Hey guys,

 

My first post on eNA as I have followed a couple threads carefully to help out with my own situation, but I think its time for me to reach out to this community. So my story goes pretty much like this. My ex-girlfriend and I were dating in a pretty serious relationship for about 3 and half years until she decided 2 months ago to break up with me. Prior to that, we had been having some issues considering she now was just starting graduate school for her masters degree and I was trying to find work and a direction to go in. To give background, the last 3-6 months have been rough for me. I have always dealt with an anxiety issue ever since grade school and retrospectively attribute that to why I didn't take a 30,000 job with Verizon. Well that was really the start of a downward spiral as I knew she was wanting me to take it deep down so I could start financially supporting us both and move ahead with our lives. Fast forward, to the summer when I crashed my vehicle and it ended up being considered totalled. Not only was I out of a car now but my confidence I once had when we first dated now became shaken up and was decreasing. We seemed to work through that mess but she kept asking how we could fix things as they weren't the way they were before (as in she missed some of the emotional connection I guess). Granted we still had fun and I was slowly trying to get myself back in that I created an internship opportunity for myself, finally got a car from my aunt, and was actively searching for a job to accompany my internship.

 

Fast forward to the week before the breakup on Friday. I was going to come over after my first or second meeting with my new boss and I was panicking when in the car because I didn't know how to get to her place using backroads and was scared of a new situation. Well we got into a fight about the directions, but I eventually got to her place so we could hang out. Well when I get there she tells me I look cute and to come in. So I did and we go upstairs and she sits on my lap in the chair. We talked a bit about random stuff and then she asked me again how can we fix things. I didn't have much of answer because I wasn't sure how to fix things at that point. Well basically I start freaking out because I thought this was going to be the end and start crying. She consoled me and told me that she thinks it would be best if we could just have a break (not a break-up) for about a month so we could sort out our issues as individuals. I agreed because I knew deep down that it made sense for where we were at that point. So we spent the next couple hours go getting a bite to eat, holding hands walking the streets, and sitting talking on a park bench like nothing was wrong. We eventually left and came back to her place where we said our goodbyes for now and she gave me a consoling leave. She came over and we made out for a good portion in the car before I left for home. She texted me when I got home to update me about one of her friends and that was it until the following week.

 

So I had been handling the break we took fairly well trying to resist from texting, calling, etc. I was doing stuff with friends, catching up, etc. Well Wednesday after I stupidly put up on FB how I was applying to get jobs, she messaged me and said "we need to talk". I asked what about and she said she rather tell me in person. I asked was it a bad thing. She said depending on how I looked at it, yes. I kind of knew right then and there was this all meant. I started to beg a little as I was panicking and she said "please stop" so I did. So she had to go do something with her mother that day and I was left panicking until Thursday. I started looking up all the things not to do during a breakup so I wouldn't make all the common mistakes men make. Well I had a horrible day that day and only got worse on Thursday.

 

Thursday rolls around and she said she would come over after her dentist appointment in the morning. She arrived and I could tell right away something was obviously not right. Bracing myself for the eventual realization, she took me downstairs and proceeded to talk to me heart to heart. She started talking about the entire week that happened in between. She said over the weekend (I think) she went out to the club with her friends and had all her feelings went away. Eventually, this guy who I knew as he was mutual friends with the group for a long time decided to pull a couple moves on her and somehow she ended up at his place. She told me they were just laying there and he asked her "would you slap me if I try to kiss you". She responded with "I really don't think that is such a great idea right now given the circumstances" as this guy was fully aware of me and such. Well the guy decided to do it anyway because I guess he liked her for a long time and she just stood there speechless to the whole thing. She said he only kissed her on the bed, they watched tv, and that was it. Well the next came and she said her feelings came back and I would assume she felt guilty and was mega-confused. Well she was talking about whether I guess to break it off with me for those days with her friends. Well she decided to pull the trigger on it as you already know.

 

I listened intently while trying to hold back my emotions. She said she felt as though recently she was feeling like my mom and not my girlfriend and that she regretted not pushing me enough. I said it wasn't your fault but it was all mine even though she mentioned it was both our faults. I tried not to cry and break down but that was near impossible. She was crying, hugging my bear throughout this entire breakup as I could tell she was visibly upset with this. I put my arm around her shoulder as she was crying like we always did for each other. I told her at the end that I understand her decision and I think right now that she right it is best as I have my own issues to sort out and she does too. I said I felt like I have to let her go in order to have a chance in the future (even though I didn't want to) and said if somewhere down the road we can work things out I would be more than willing to do that.

 

She asked me if I needed to speak to my brother (as we were all close) and I was like I just want to hold you right now. So she came on top of me and hugged me as I was lying down on the sofa. It just felt so right to have her in my arms, a very warm and consoling type feeling. We did that for a couple of minutes until we went upstairs. So she took her things but interestingly didn't take everything even though she asked me whether I had anything to return to her. She knew what she could have taken but she didn't. We made our way out to my driveway where she proceeded to tell me to "be strong". We told each other our "I love you" and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. I then proceeded to hug her one final time and we kissed on the lips as we said those things. She got in our car and I stood there as we waved goodbye.

 

Well I was a distraught mess as many of us on here were and continued like that for pretty much the next couple of weeks. My dad told me that he checked her FB for me because it was driving me nuts and that it looked like she lost her motivation for doing stuff for school for the first couple of days and looked to be upset (even though its hard to tell). Anyway, I proceeded to do myself and use no contact for the first month like every book said to. So I was working hard in my internship, decided to play tennis again, changed my diet where I lost 10 lbs., decided to finish the puzzle we never got to finish, and decided to sell a bunch of things on eBay to repay her all the money I feel I owe her (still in midst of completing that one). I was feeling better about myself and slowly getting my confidence back thanks to work.

 

I decided to give her a call about 2 - 3 weeks ago in which I got voicemail. Then my buddy told me that she was in a new relationship with the guy who pulled these moves on her. I was a bit distraught, jealous, and angry I have to admit but tried to keep my cool as I knew it was probably only a rebound. Well she called me a few days later where we talked. She told me how she was sick and I consoled her like I always did. I then proceeded to ask her if she would like to catch up and talk over some lunch or frozen yogurt sometime as friends to take the pressure off. She said she didn't know what her schedule was like that next week so I told her I would call her next week and we would figure something out for the following week after my trip to Florida. Well she called me back 3 hours later but I let it go to voicemail as I told her I was busy. Next day, she calls me as I am driving home and leaves a voicemail saying "hey, I need to talk to you but I am sure you are driving right now. Call me back when you get this". So about an hour later I called back and was my cheery self. We talked about random stuff for 10 mins until she said to me "I just wanted to tell you and I wasn't sure if you knew but I am in a relationship now". She proceeded to tell me that this was a "legit" relationship (which to me is another word for serious) and that she wanted to tell me first before anyone else did. She also said that because she was in a new relationship she didnt think we could be friends right now as she thought it wasn't appropriate yet. I told her that I wished her and him well on their new relationship and that I thought it would be a shame to sacrifice our friendship. That ended the phone call.

 

So I continued to do myself and took my trip down to Florida for a wedding. Let's just say that trip was a blast. Had so much fun I haven't had in a very long time to the point where it drew my attention away from all this. Well during that week after the passing of Steve Jobs, she called me and left a voicemail mentioning the whole iPhone 4s and Steve Jobs passing. She said she knew this sounded completely random and off topic and she wished me a hope you are having a fun time down in Florida. Well I literally missed that call as I had my phone in the other room and didn't respond back to it. Now it has been almost 2 months coming up and I am not sure what to make of this. She knew I would pay attention to any Apple news so I am almost thinking that she is missing me and just wanted to talk to me (which is what my cousin said also). Not sure what should be my next move here so I am turning to your support.

 

- thekoreandream

[Vigilant]

Hello everyone- I stumbled upon this post a few days ago, and since then i've been checking back occasionally. Every time I read, my faith in myself is bolstered, and my resolve is restored. I appreciate and applaud everyone on this thread. The amount of posters I've seen help each other out is also an uplifting and admirable thing to witness.

 

It seems customary to share stories; I'll try to keep mine brief.

 

11 month relationship, she breaks up with me. I had a lot of misconceptions about love (probably due to this being my first real relationship.) and I tried to fulfill too much of my needs through her... which was unfortunate because she is a very busy person and she had so much stress she could no longer do what she loved to do. I said I didn't like the idea, but I knew resisting would mean directly fighting her, and of course she was free to go, and she knew how to get ahold of me. A week later, I text her asking if we can meet in person. I wanted to apologize for my mistakes and leave the relationship on a good note so we could both move forward. She agrees, and we meet and have a wonderful talk, leaving with no strings attached (We both agreed that we shouldn't cheat ourselves if the opportunity to date other people came up.) with a clear idea from the other how we can improve ourselves. After a week of light contact, I initiate no contact without telling her.

 

During this time, I was trying to figure out how to get her back. i read up how to satisfy my needs and wants, also on relationships in general, so I could learn to be a better partner, and gathered what I could about reconciliation. Last week, after about 2 1/2 months, we run into each other by chance, and she's had a bad day. She breaks down and is crying and laughing at the odds of meeting up. She blurts out a lot about herself and I listen. She finishes, and says she has something to tell me, which she will save for Thursday. (We both saw the same play at school, she knew I would probably go as I attend all of them.) She is seeing a therapist, thank goodness she made time for it, and wanted to tell me something the therapist said about my past to try to help me out. Apparently I come up during their sessions.

 

Both encounters were positive and no talk about our relationship, but I was fazed anyway. That's when i stumbled upon this thread. I realized I didn't have the power I could have and I wasn't in the right mindframe. I texted her that i wasn't ready to be back on speaking terms yet, and i need more time (which is true). She said that was fine, and wished me well. I am using that as my springboard back into NC. It is day 2, and it's getting better all the time.

 

She and I are young, and have a lot to learn, so who knows what time holds? I'm learning to run full tilt towards my future, and whoever ends up keeping up with my pace will probably be the one.

 

I hope to keep track of my progress and to make myself useful to other posters as well. In return I may ask for a hand every once in a while. Thanks again. Stay strong everyone.

[cyrius]

Hello guys. I've just discovered this thread yesterday while trying a search on google for people in situations as we are: trying to get our ex back. I've read this topic non-stop till page 20. And i think i'm learning quite a bit with all the differente stories, and like Vigilant said - the amount of posters willing to help each other is truly admirable.

I really need some help/advice as i do not know how do i go on from here with her.

I'll try to keep it short.

 

We had a 10 month relationship, I broke up with her (and have regreted this!). It was great in the beginning, we really fit each other, we could't stay apart from each other, but more in the past few months we were kinda driving each other away. I admit not having given her the attention she needed towards the end, playing too much much video games. And she kind did the same in her own ways. So last month was like we were together, but rearely spoke to each other while i was playing video games, and she was on facebook, reading technology news and other stuff she liked. Like we were just friends. She started a whole talk about leaving her hometown for mine right after we met. which i thought was kinda too fast, but went with the idea cause that way we'd not meet each other only at weekends, since we missed each other so much because of the distance between her/my town. So she came, but what happened was she came to my house with all her stuff (and i still live with my mom, you know) and she never left! She stayed living here with us, so i got very scared because i could forsee the trouble with that, not only with my mom, who i knew wasn't going to go along with it for a long time, but also because we were spending all day, 24 hours, non-stop together. Since i didnt have a job (because i was going on a trip to Holland which was all set during jue/july. so i knew that i would go away for a while) and she was going to spend time looking for a job so we could have a life together when i got back. Alright, everything was perfect, i travelled, spent one month in Holland for my sisters/brothers birthday who live there) We talked throughout the trip quite a few times, via voice in skype, webcam etc.

 

I actually found out that she had missed me kinda more than i had missed here, not that i hadn't! In this meantime she went back to her hometown living with her mom (which i didnt really understand, cause i thought she was going to look for jobs in my town) But when we got together again and i went straight to her mom's house to be with her she had a huge smile on her face and told me all about how the time i went away was amazing for her to realize how much she loved me MORE than she actually thought, and how much she saw she wanted to be with me. So we went back to my moms place, living pratically in my room again by August. When we got back i told her i thought maybe it would be better if we stayed together, but living in separate places (kinda of a hint that she could'nt be living forever with me in my mom's house, you know) I got a job in September, and so did she. I couldn't handle the job for too long, since my boss was a real pain in the butt. An she lasted one month in hers, which was a heavy job at a local hospital. So we kinda went back to that being together everyday, 24 hours, which i personally found kinda dangerous, cause i think it kills relationship to not having SOME time apart, or time for news to happen etc. She was with me, i was with her everywhere we had to go. And that went good for a while.

 

After that things got cold a little bit, sex life stopped completely (and i admit having been who kinda led this to happenn) , she'd want intercourse quite a bunch of times when we went to bed and it was like 3am and i was too tired to do anything. I thought it could wait till next day's afternoon. I don't think she understood. So the whole thing froze a little, we started almost not talking to each other and it was really her doing her stuff, and i doing mine. She started saying stuff like 'we can't go on like this, i work, and you are not doing anything (and she had already left the hospital, jobless like me) so i was very honest and said 'you are not working either, so you can't say that'. i financed your whole staying here for the first 5 months (we started in february and i travelled in june/july) and you had no problems with it, now that i'm the one needing some help, you find it a problem to back me up a little'. And i questioned her (very gently) if she was ready to make that move to actually coming living and starting a life here so we could be together in the road ahead, since she wasn't really doing anything to make it happen). I told her moving for someone/starting a life comes with great weight to be carried in the beginning. And that in the first few months of a new places yeah, you kinda have to suffer a bit, and get unable to buy tablets, mobile phones (all that which she did while saying she was earning to little to maintain her) She'd oftenly mistake my honesty for rudeness. But seriously, when i payed everything for her since the start, she had no troubles, when i couldn't do that anymore, it was suddenly a problem..)

 

But moving on.. She had un uncle who had a accient, and went to that other city with her dad to check on him. She stayed a few days, and after that she'd come back to my place. A week passed, and nothing. So i called her up, and asked if she was still coming on Friday, and suddenly she was like 'i'll go tomorrow, cause it's already late today' etc. Next day.. she found some other excuse not to come. So i called her up and asked if there was anything troubling her, that she'd talk to me so we could figure it out, cause i saw that she was just hiding from facing reality. A few days later she was on msn *which she never did* so i forsaw some trouble. and she started talking how we weren't that close to each other aymore, what i thought we should do' etc. And said she was gonna go living with her dad (1:30 hours ride from here) and i kinda new that this would come anyway. Because i always saw on her that she missed that town, cause it's big, it has malls, it has everything. Where i live is really small. So i thought i'd be enough to keep her here, and since it was not the case. I got into a nasty ego fight with myself, and told her thru the msn conversation that i wanted to break up. She said stuff like 'are you really wanting that? Because i kinda thought we could still continue seeing each other you there, me here, we can see each other on weekends'. It didn't really sound true to me. She accepted it really easy, which hurted me even more. We stopped talking, she came to get her stuff with her dad one day, and i tried to talk and get thru to her, how i regretted breaking up and found ways to make us work out. She said we'd talk about that later. We started kissing, had intercourse, and she went away. We spent a few weeks without talking, and i'd eventually send some messages to her phone. Like how i dream about her, and missed her.

 

So one day i called her up and said that i had to do some business in her town (which was true) and if she'd wanted to sit down and talk a bit. She agreed. So she said call me when you're here. Next day when i got there in the afternoon and called her, she did't pick up so i waited out to see if she'd get back to me. She called back it was already late at night. And i was sitting at the bus station for hours, cause i don't have a car, as was deciding wether i should go back home or not. We laughed on the phone, made some jokes. And i told her (hope i wasnt too stupid with this!) that i'd sleep in the bus station for the night, if she'd agree to meet up and talk to me net day, how i regretted breaking up i how i really felt we could chage things around. She sounded like she worried a bit about the sleeping in the bus station thing, and tols me that if her father wasnt just moving and the house a big mess, that i could've stayed there for the night. And i said i don't mind doing it, as long as it's worth it to see you. We had agreed she'd call me the next day at midday, cause didnt have a cent anymore in my mobile. She didn't call. So i got kinda upset and worried, thinking she really wasn't showing any will to turn it around, no effort! I then waited till after work-hours and called her up, and asked if we could meet. To my surprise, she then said 'i can't today, i have to work till 7pm, and i'm kinda tired..'. I said no problem, 7pm is in about 15 minutes, we can meet each other half way or i'll go to where you are. Then she really said no, and i let go of my self control, telling her i couldn't understand why she wouldnt suddenly, when she had said she would, and i had stayed at the bus station exactly for the purpose of seeing each other next day. And that she didn't wanted to, that she just had to had said so, then i would've gone home instead. She then said 'i'll go to your house, in a few weeks, can't tell you when, cause i'm busy, but i'll go so we can talk'. which i knew wasn't really true. So i said 'stop saying you're going to do stuff you know you aren't. Tell me now please, do you WANT to sit down and talk about us, cause maybe i'm forcing this, and am trying to hard, while in the back of your mind you're not even wanting to' So she said 'you know what, i don't really have anything left to say anymore, for me things are as they are, and if i meet up with you, it's to hear about what you want to say, but i don't have anything to say anymore. So i told her that's all i needed to hear to get her completely out of my life (dumb stuff we do with a hot head!). I took the bus and came back to my town, to find she had deleted me on Facebook, Twitter, and blocked on MSN.

 

It's been almost one month exactly since we don't talk to each other. The last phone conversation i described happed like a week before New Year's Eve. I found her on online at a dating site which i had joined (that's actually where we first met). And am afraid, as the one who broke up, that i should be doing something, to get her attention, to let her know i still love her. Or that she'll find another guy there. Or that she'll think '2012.. new year, new opportunities.. so long 2011". Tho sometimes it's like she's waiting for me to get online to draw my attention?? Like if she spends a big part of the day not going on the dating site, and suddenly i sign in.. there she is a few minutes later. When i sign out.. she leaves a few minutes later as well. Like she just want to force me into making me see that she's there?? Maybe, i don't know. She's online there everyday, and i know she sees me like she knows i see her online. Do these 'No Contact' rules still apply? Cause i'm thinking not really hahah. I'm thinking i might have blown my chances forgood with her, so i don't know wether i should call, send a message.. I'd even try the No Contact thing, (altho technically it's already happening for a month, right?) but in the sense that i don't have her facebook, no msn, no way of reaching her directly making her see how i'm 'apparently' doing fine without her and better and all those rules, which again, i don't know if they apply since i'm the one who broke up. There's also the thing that we don't live in the same city anymore, so we won't be encountering each other on the streets by accident, which usually helps a lot and such hahah. Do i still have a chance of getting her back? I just want to call her and be honest about it all that i want her back so much. How should i deal with this, what should i do?

[matta]

Here is my story

 

I started collage about two years ago. And after awhile i started to like a girl in my class. We were good friends and then a couple of months ago we kinda went on a date, and after that a couple of more dates. And before i knew it we were togheter, and it was going really well and i started to get real feelings for her. She is the kinda girl that doenst want to show/talk about her feelings. So i was taking it really slow just to give her the space she needed. I never talked to her about were we were going and about our future because it felt like everytime we were about to discuss it she got scared. But she was always talking about stuff to do in the future like "i cant wait to be with you in the summer" and " i want you to get to know my family". So i thought that she wanted a long and healthy relationship and that i was her guy.

 

Every time we went out we had alot fun. And i could tell that she was starting to ger real feelings for me. And i was so happy because she is a great girl. And we were always texting each other about how we were looking forward to seeing each other. But close to our 3 months anniversary out of nowhere she broke up with me. And i was in a state of shock and sadness. And i couldnt believe it was true because i thought it was going so well. And she always told me she missed me. So i couldnt believe that she broke up with me. She said it doesnt feel right.

 

As i said we are in the same class so its really akward between us right now. Im kinda avoiding her and not talking to her. I havent planned on acting like this but every time i see her im trying to ignore her the best way i can, and i dont know why. Maybe its because i feel that she is deceived me, that she let me think it was going well and i was getting my hopes up that we actually had a future togheter. I guess i just feel that she broke up at the first sign of insecurity and that she shouldve come and talked to me and give alittle more time, instead of breaking up immedietly. I have lots of friends that gets so many chanses with their girlfriends and i feel i didnt even get a chance. It was my first relationship and i was truly happy with her. And i think she is kinda sad that im so cold towards her, and its killing me because i really care about her. And i hate seeing her sad, and i hate being cold towards her.

 

I want to get back togheter with her, because i truly believe that we have so much to do and experience togheter before throwing it all away.

 

 

It might sound stupid to you guys that i feel strongly about a girl that i have only dated her for a couple of months, but we have known each other for almost two years and we have taken small steps before finally getting togheter and then out of the blue it was over. I relly need advice on how to handle this situation

[MichaelD]

Thanks so much for this and all your other posts superdave, your advice helped me not only get through the past two weeks but also help me get back with my ex. Not contacting her gave her the space she needed, and ultimately she reached out to me when she was ready. Hopefully we had both learned from this and worked on ourselves enough to make it work this time!

[Love1336]

Waaaa, if you do nothing you can't ruin anything...

[Lightning87]

Thanks for this SuperDave x

[danzman]

It has taken me about a week and a half but I have managed to read through this entire thread. I just want to say thanks to SuperDave for your excellent words of advice - it has been very helpful for me in dealing with my recent BU - this thread ought to be compulsory reading for newcomers to the forum!

[aeubanks72]

This is really good advice.I have actually done NC for about 6wks,he broke it cause he "assumed" cause I had a lunch date that I was "hooking up" with guys lol..So he actually read this on my fb I posted.Well for one just means he was checking up on me and two he was jealous which I actually didnt intend to do,I was having lunch with a business partner. But all the same it shook him up,I NEVER EVER thought he would break it,he is so stubborn.However we emailed back and forth,but it wasnt going the way it shouldve been.He is just his ego is messed up lol I dont get it. So I waited for a response and decided to not respond and go back to NC,I am not playing his games,and until he wants to actually initiate a better contact with me or willing to work on it,I dont want to talk to him.We broke up in January this year,and it was really bad but now Im at the point where Im more secure with who I am,and Im doing things Ive not done,I worked on myself.and I feel that Im worth way more then these few little emails hes been getting.Like hes keeping me on this little string,just so he knows what Im doing or something..LOL like I said Im not playing his game. Im done... thanks again this post defenitly people should follow

[Scotcha]

I remember this thread... It's got good advice inside.

[the dude91]

This has probably already been talked about... only on like page 12 of these forums but I just have to know.

 

I should be leaving for the Air Force soon, so once I'm gone I'm gone for good. My ex broke up with me almost a week ago, I've been doing pretty good with NC for a few days. But with me leaving there's some unsolved problems between us that would bug me while I'm gone... not sure how you can go from saying you want to spend the rest of your life with someone one day and the next break up with them. But anyways I'm wondering if I should try to get some closure like a week before I leave, see if she will give it another try with me and come with me or not. Honestly I'm already at the point where I'm expecting her to say no and I'll be fine with it because I'm moving on in life, either she'll be there with me or not. It was a 3 1/2 year relationship, talk of marriage, kids the whole 9 yards, guess I just didn't make the move fast enough but now that I'll have the means to support us I want to do it now, otherwise I'll just go out, have fun and maybe run into the right one this time. Sorry for all the run on sentences btw. lol

[the dude91]

Well I decided against doing what I said in my last post. I figure if she wants me back, cool she'll come to me. If she doesn't then it wasn't meant to be, either way I won't be expecting her to come I'm just going to move on and get on with myself to bigger and better things. A big change is coming soon and she'll have to live with the fact that she missed out, instead of sticking it out with me a little longer she chose to leave, so I'll do the same. No closure needed from her anymore, I found my own closure.

[SuperDave71]

and she'll have to live with the fact that she missed out

 

You are saying this out of you being hurt, not out of love my friend. You have no control over how she feels...be careful with statements like this. She may miss out in the long run but understand this is merely a generality in hopes of her wanting you back.

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[euphoria24]

love this thread!

[amielric]

You must remember this...no matter what your situation, no matter how bad....or how insignificant....there are things you can NOT do to get them back...

 

What if you fought for someone for over 2 months AFTER the break up, by trying everything. Begging, gifts, having friends talk to him ...etc... Is it too late to start NC to try to get him back? I am afraid I messed up to the point on no return, advice would be lovely! Thanks!

[One day]

Hi superdave,

 

Just read the first post of this thread, thank you for all your musings. Keep posting you have no idea how many people take advice and comfort from your posts.

[the dude91]

Please read my thread... I'm on edge and really don't know what to do...

[crossx]

Breakup was 2.5 months ago. Relationship was 3 years and we were eachothers firsts. She said she was depressed, confused, emotionally unavailable, very stressed with school/work, etc. She said she'd always remember me but that it would never work and that its the hardest thing she did yada yada. She hasn't spoken to me since that day, 2.5 months ago. A week later she told a friend to tell me that she doesn't want to be with me ever and just not talk to her. I screwed up by begging and stuff for a day and even told her, in my mental breakdown, that i didn't love her till halfway through our 3 year relationship which wasn't true.

 

I just don't see how she can love me so much but its so easy for her not to talk to me for 2.5 months all of a sudeen. Gahhh..I haven't contacted her in a month. Does this sound completely doomed? or has not enough time passed?

 

I was doing good until 2 weeks ago when I got a text on a Sat night from a number that said "Hi" and asked who I was. I told her and then asked how she got my number and she replied by saying that I was talking about her to my ex (hadn't spoken to my ex in months...). I asked when and she said "today I guess" and I asked if it was by text and she said "I guess Idk." That was the last thing she sent. I'm pretty sure this girl was spending that night at my ex's dorm and was given my number from my ex. I used to say "I guess" frequently, it was a little joke we had, so my ex was either playing games with me or maybe just wanted to reach out in some way. Probably the former, but it regressed my progression and put my back to square one. I guess thats considered Contact eh..? It was 2 weeks before this that I drunk texted her and one of my drunk friends felt the need to call her -_- So maybe she was just doing this as a "ha! I have a life without you" or something.....

 

Whatta y'all think? I just want her back more than anything. The BU feels like just yesterday. A month ago, I thought about her for maybe 10 minutes a day but now Its alllllll day again. I've finally accepted that I think its over for good, I know my ex. But I still hope. If she felt the same way I do, we could make this work.

[Dystophia]

So SuperDave, what to do when you live with your ex with absolutely NO WAY to move out? Just Non-initiated contact?

[surfjon]

To all out there that are hurting, please believe what SD and many others here say. I know that these ideas and methods do work. I know first hand.....

 

NC is your only friend right now, it will protect you, I know this also in a very intimate way.

When I stumbled into ena back in 2007, I was destroyed by the "walkaway spouse syndrome" when my beautiful wife of 20 years left. We also have 2 children. When she first left, I had no idea what to do. Many can relate to those first few days of sheer anguish, puzzlement and burning pain of the one we loved and based our future plans on reject and no longer want us for "fill in the blank" reasons.

 

I considered ending my life, but I'm stronger than that and my kids needed me on the planet.

 

The first couple days, I was in clinical shock, just a wreck, then began the next couple weeks of doing ALL THE WRONG THINGS such as texting, calling, long dissertations of love via email, flowers on the car, all of that silliness....

 

I then did the first smart thing, found enotalone and started reading, I spent hours here posting, reading, nodding in agreement and discovered the concept of "no contact", which in my case was modified to be limited contact due to child raising discussions and financial issues. I discovered sage advice from people like John Bendix and Super Dave, I met others just like me that I could lean on when my friends and family grew tired of my general malaise and depression, here were people just like me...hurting, clutching at straws of false hopes, and not knowing where to turn, I felt horrible, but that felt really good................knowing I had somewhere to go, and folks...that is a big gift when you've been dumped!!

 

No Contact back in 2007-2008 allowed me to work on me, and I did....it allowed me to not ask her the questions which I surely did not want the answers to, and gave me time to heal and think about myself and the fact that I am a complete person on my own, and with my kids and my guitar, I'd craft a new life and worldview.

 

So later on in 2007, when I learned she had a boyfriend, I was on the healing path and it allowed me to realize that I never again wanted her. SHE REJECTED ME AND REPLACED ME!! Why want that person anymore?? Now the, I was not over it all as I had accepted her placing the blame all on me for a while and it took counseling to realize that was her defense, building the fortress that they build....

I came to realize it wasn't even her that I missed, it was the familiarity of "us" and the rhythm of life together I missed, along with so much time with my kids, it was not even her anymore.

 

So, NC worked this time for me in letting me stay sane in an insane time of my life, it did not bring her back, she was too far gone when she left, in retrospect, we probably should have ended things years before we actually did......water under the bridge you say?? Yes!

 

Now then, its 2012 and I'm long over the ex and that bad time. Had a year of really crazy living, girls, dating, flings, etc...but I needed it, I really did....I was with her since I was 18 and never really had a life as a single adult. It also helped ease the pain I still had, my ego ( I know, the ego does us all in) needed it for a while, to know that girls still wanted me and I wanted to feel that feel so badly.....

But pointless encounters in pleasures of the flesh soon grew tiresome and empty, made me feel like a hollowed shell, and in late 2008, after the divorce, fortunas wheel dealt me a lovely girl a decade younger than me that I fancied I could stay with, but my scars and defense would not let her fully in. She was patient and wonderful, believing in me and that I still had the ability to love again, so she coaxed me out, we fell deeply in love.....it was bliss on earth to this worn heart.

 

 

Always on the guard though, (I'd learned the hard way back in 2007/2008), about a year ago,I felt a distance creeping between us, and I could smell it, there were some things she didn't like about me and vice-versa, I addressed the issues she had with me, but she continued hers, and I didn't feel like I was being treated fairly, I could feel her slipping away. about a week ago, after she had a party that I helped her with, I went to bed about 1:00 am, she stayed up drinking with her friends til like 4:30 (one of the issues I have with her, she's like a frat-boy ), and when she came to bed, I simply told her the environment seemed very cold and she seemed distant. She said some not nice things and I left, I don't stay where am not wanted, ever again....

 

The next day she used all the "I'm confused", and "not sure what I want" stuff, and I felt the end. She said she needed time, and I informed her that I would not be contacting her, that she would have all the time and space she needed, and I would as well. This was all on a Sunday. Well that Sunday and Monday and Tuesday were tough, I've been with the girl 4 years now and have grown oh so fond of her, but knew if we had any hope in saving things, it lay in the NC I had used in the past. By Tuesday night, she was texting me as she knows thats one of the nights the band practices, I did not return them. By Thursday she was texting me "please call me", so I didn't. She is off on Fridays so she texted me Friday if we could take all our dogs to the dog park and chat and have coffee, and I agreed. When we met, I was very upbeat and smiling and joking, I said nothing about us except to ask her how she was feeling and how work was, nothing about what she was doing in her personal life at all, she seemed tired and down. It was cordial and I enjoy seeing her, because to me she is so beautiful....

Next day she texted me "what was I doing", and I didn't answer....she said she needed time, she was getting just that and I was healing and feeling better almost a week out of her party.

 

Yesterday (Sunday) she called me and I had been at a party with some friends so I didn't answer, the voicemail asked me to call her so I let a few hours go by and I dialed her. She was genuine and was glad I called her and out of the blue she asked if she could come over and spend the night, now I play guitar Sundays at a tiki bar til until about 8, so I told her I didn't think it was a good idea, but she persisted and I told her OK, but I only wanted to read and cuddle and not talk about "us" and didn't want intimate contact with her until she could be sure and prove to me that she is in the 100% from now on.

 

She came over, asked for a big hug and she cried, she started to want to talk, but I told her to get square in her mind and be ready to throw herself into this like I have been, or to let me go and that it would be our last night together until she made her mind up, and I told her back to NC and please respect that. I won't lie, when I hold her, I feel like I'm holding sunshine, I love her next to me, so I enjoyed having her there, but paradise is somewhere I wan to live, not just visit.

 

We loved going to the Keys together, and we talked about what we'd been up to and I told her I was off Thursday and Friday and was heading down to the Keys to clear my head. We also love Counting Crows, so my buddy got us VIP tix to a show Weds night, I could tell she was like "what??", she even asked if she sould come to the Keys with me and I told her I'd think about it, but was not going to be friend-zoned until she was over this. Told her she could do it on her own like the week I went thru...Myself, friends, kids, guitar and dogs. All I need, PERIOD.

 

So what will the day bring?? I dunno, but I feel pretty dang ok in my own skin, I have good friends, a band, kids, work, and some fun stuff to look forward to. I know in my heart that if she is gone for good, I tried all I could. I was a good boyfriend and yes, a hopeless romantic again, if I can't have her, so be it. There are many starfish in the sea!! And like the fact NC WORKS, I also know that as well

 

Peace to all who suffer here, it almost killed me back in 2007, but I swear to you, it gets better I know!!

[the dude91]

Hey Superdave if you're still here, can you take a look at my last thread and give me your input please? It'd be greatly appreciated because I cannot find any other posts that have similar situations such as mine... Thanks...

[tiggertigger]

thanks so much for this thread. I jus found it today, and its a source of great comfort. I am going through what most people here are going through, it happened 3 months ago, and today i still find myself reeling from it. I cannot believe its over? He hasnt called me since 3 months back, and i was the one doing all the calling for 1.5 months. And since 1.5 months ago, i decided to give him the space he needs and havnt called him since. I hv been out of the country for weeks to "feel better", but i m still sad and i miss him so terribly. We were together for slightly more than 4.5 years, and i really saw him as my husband and person to spend the rest of my life with. I cant describe how painful it is to be thinking about him, and believing that we will be back together, and yet not doing anything. I've been out on dates with at least 3 guys in this 1.5 months, but you would know too, its hardly even close to making me feel better.

 

i have been trying so many things, i have been reading books that i purchased online to get back with ex, but nothing seem to be appropriate? and i havnt tried the latest program i purchased. I m really scared, scared because when u really love someone, the thought of losing them is like their death in your life. That it will never be present again, what used to be beautiful and bright, turns to be a cloud of grey dust. The buckets of tears i shed, how everything in my life has been affected, from my sleep, my diet, my work, where i hang out (becos i dun want to be reminded of him), to the people i speak to (because it hurts when someone says "you look better today", it jus reminds me of how i was sad), to be now in the process of moving out of the country because i cant seem to see myself getting better, or getting a life here that is without him. I am not proud of what i have become, but i m proud to say that i truly love someone this life; and i hope i can soon be with him again. It feels only right to be waiting for him, giving him however much time and space he needs, becos ultimately, its him i want to be back with. BUt i figured i cannot be a happier person in this city if i were to continue living here, becos every corner i turn, it will remind me of him. We shared a life so intricately, sometimes, i feel like i am living a lie, and then other times i am jus a shell of the living dead.

 

I must admit that dating other people have at least once made me feel better about myself, but again i m hurting so badly. I dun know what he's like now, i dun know if he still remembers me, i dun know if he ever misses me, i dun know if he considers loving me and being with me agian, i dun know so many things... Its tearing me apart even as i am trying to give him all the space he needs, to stay away from contacting him until mayb i feel better. BUt time, time is flowing, its running and will I be missing this crucial window period (if any) to get back with him? When will it be long enough before i start contacting him again?

 

What if when i leave this city to find a new me, he forgets me with time, he forgets the love so strong, he forgets the years we had together, the dreams we had together, the happiness we shared? It means so much to me when I know he's my life partner.

 

Even as i keep asking God why, why have us be together, and then tear us apart? I still dont know why, and I m still hurting, and i m sad to say that i cannot see God giving me any answer. I m disappointed, becos the end of this relationship is the loss of my best friend, my life partner, my dreams, my shelter, and now i dont even know if God is really true, becos i m suffering so bad.

 

This forum is some comfort to me this night as i sit here typing my heart out. To know that i m not alone, and people have felt the way i am feeling. I still miss him, and i still am waiting for him, for as long as i can.

[euphoria24]

This is a great post SuperDave71 ! Thank you !

[saluk]

tiggertigger: it takes 2 to make a relationship work, and 1 to make it fail. If and until he is willing to put in the effort that you are, the situation is doomed. Use the pain you are in to grow stronger and see that you can come out of the situation a better person, and you don't even need the man who rejected you to help you do that. You are a strong independent person on your own, you don't need a man to validate who you are. If you forget each other, you can become a better person and prepare yourself for the next man. There is not only one person in this world for each person, there are 7 billion people on the planet (predicted to be 9 billion by 2050). All it takes to find love is to find someone who really fits you who is willing to put in as much effort into staying together and loving you as you are for them. Compatibility and effort matter more than the feelings of love you are having for the man you thought was your soul mate.

 

Maybe he will come back, maybe not, but you have no control over his actions. God does not even have control over his actions. God didn't take this man away from you, the man is the one who walked away. People are free to make the wrong choices, and do so all the time. But what you can do now, is work on making the right choices, the right choices for yourself to take you where you need to get in life. What you need to do now is choose healing. You can be free to accept this mans return without holding out hope or expectation that he will do so. He has already forgotten you, what is left is the question of if time will make him remember. But if you sit around waiting and putting your life on hold, you wont be emotionally ready for another relationship, whether that is your loves unlikely return, or someone new. Your best option is to get yourself ready for another relationship by embracing full healing. You may find you are happy to be free of him and able to find someone better.