You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[Tearsbegone]

Great info- I think its more important to know what NOT to do than what TO do. So if you follow these rules then what? You try and be friends

[beat]

I have been NC for 23 days and it is starting to feel a lot better. Initially, she asked for some healthy time apart and I am really starting to appreciate it. I have been working on myself and making myself much better than I was before. I really love this woman and I am wondering if I should contact her when I do feel better. I have heard that NC for a month or two until your wounds are totally healed and meeting for coffee is a good way to slowly reconnect -- and I mean very slowly (the only way really). What does everyone here think about this?

[BrokenOverYou]

I find the advice on these forums is some of the best you can come accross, the break up was 6 days ago and the last email i sent her was two days ago it was telling her that i accept the break up and wish her well, i read somewhere on another post on this site that you should do that, she never replied but either way i wont be contacting her again, give her time if she wants to talk she knows how to find me, if she doesnt then i move on with my life.

 

Great post, people should listen because this site gives really good advice.

[surfjon]

I gave mine the space she wanted and kept on doing my thing. She knew I was going down to the keys for a few days to clear my head and asked if she could keep my dogs, at first I said no but she insisted so I said ok.....

 

Then she started on about how she didn't want to see anyone else and did I have any intentions of hooking up in the keys..

Now she knows when I was single, me and my uncle (who has a mansion down there) had many wild times.

She used to go down there with me as a couple, and loved to go also, so she knows how sweet it is.

 

I explained that it was her that wanted "time" and was "confused" and had basically broken up with me, that I was not the confused one until she asked me not to be with anyone in the Keys, I thought it was weird but told her that the intent of my trip was to clear my head and not to "hook up"....

 

Over the few days, we texted a bit and she called me a couple times, but I was just cool about it all, telling her how nice it was and having a good time...

She sent a few sweet texts, and I texted her bac "are you my baby or not", she replied "Babe, Yes I am, please don't hook up with anyone and will you please spend Sunday night with me when you get back", I replied I didn't know....wasn't sure how I felt about her uncertainty. She called me after I'd gotten home, and I told her I was just gonna come get my dogs and leave, and she asked would I reconsider staying over, so I did. I won't lie, after a tough couple weeks, I had started to heal but it was paradise in her arms and bed....

 

We talked, and she wants to be together again but I told her she has to throw herself into this with 110% or no dice....

So currently, we're back together, she's to stay at my place tonite and things are going good one day at a time.

I was honest and told her I'd withdrawn from her quite a bit since the last 3 weeks and wasn't sure that would go back to where it was until I'd seen her really change in the ways I want to see, I'm not taking it anymore.

 

In my case, NC has been positive for me as I did it for me, and was ok with her being gone although I had incredibly deep love for her, even more than I ever felt with my wife of 20 years. It also brought her back to me for now, but I know if she gets "confused" again, it will be the last time.

 

 

People, be strong. Resist those urges and follow the advice here, be upbeat and positive if you see or talk to them, don't be needy....nobody wants that!!! Make yourself even more awsome than you are, lose those pounds, just dont cave in...

 

Peace!

[utopia]

I think my time came. I don’t know if somebody is still looking at this thread but I just need to tell somebody all the things that I have in my head….

He was my first love. He is 24 and I am 23. I really love him. In the beginning everything was just great. I was living my dream. He was nice, he cared about me and he respected me. Everything was just perfect. Than after some stupid (very very stupid) thing I decided that I want to break up with him. And he said “ok” – if this is what you want. Truth is I didn’t expect that. I expected that at least we would talk about it. And then I was crushed. I didn’t know what to do and I begged him to talk with me and I pleaded. Then after one week no answer from him I went to my family so I can feel better. I told them everything. This is the first boy in my life that they know about. Actually he was my first in everything – first I’m really in love with, the first boy who I love, first to have sex with, first to tell my parents about, first to take a shower with and many others. Then one night I couldn’t do this anymore and started writing him on skype again. Then he answered. And we talked. And I told him how much sorry I am. And he told me that he doesn’t want to break my heart and I can be with him when I want… and everything was back to normal and I was happy with my life again. Then after about 3 weeks I had to go to my family again for holidays. And during this time I talked with him on skype and everything seemed normal… then after one week I got back to the city we both live in and it was like everything have been changed. I came on Sunday. I asked him if he could help me with my bags. He told me he is busy… he told me “leave your bags in the car and when I come we will take them.” I waited for about 2 hours and I couldn’t wait more. I took everything out of the car.. I took a shower and went to bed. Then at about 12 o’clock in the evening he called me and asked “what are you doing”. I said “I’m sleeping”. He said “aha then I’m not coming to you”. I asked “why?”. And he told me “if you are sleeping how can I come?”. However he came. Then I tried to meet with him about 2-3 times in the week but he was everytime busy or with friends or working or whatever. finally on Saturday I couldn’t wait more (it’s been about one week) and I forced him to meet with me. I tried to talk with him about this but he was like… get relax, everything’s ok. And I was like.. ok – maybe I’m overreacting. Than on Tuesday he came to sleep at my place (he wanted) and he had a birthday on Thursday. I got a very special present for him, packed it by myself and I was pretty excited about it. I asked him when are we going to meet and he told me “I think we’re not going to meet today. I’m talking with my family”. On the next evening I told him if he doesn’t want to meet with me or speak with me to just say this to me. He answered “I don’t want to do anything that’s all. Don’t ask me anything.” Then after one week of NC I just wanted to confirm that I don’t have a boyfriend and asked him “is this some game that we’re playing or we’re just not together anymore?” and he told me “it’s better to break up”… no contact since then…. He used to use his facebook and twitter and foursquare a lot. Since 5 days only very few comments on facebook.. nothing more… I think he’s doing the NC too…

I keep going with the NC because I know that if I talk with him right now I will say something that I don’t really want to say. But in the evenings and mornings it’s so hard… I’m sure that if he calls me now I will get him back.. I know this is the wrong thing to do but…

[Mizz]

He was your first love and you broke up with him and regretted it, tried to get him back and he then didn’t want to work anything out?

 

Possibly he’s still hurt from everything. If you broke up with him and quickly regretted it and tried to get back together really fast with out really talking about what happened then possibly he’s still hurt and has a harder time trusting you after this.

 

The best thing to do now is to leave him alone for a bit, it hurts not to talk, I know it does. But constantly trying to communicate will push him away more. If he loves you he won’t suddenly forget about you. Maybe he needs some time to think. If he reaches out or contacts you, you can take things slow and be casual when speaking, don’t bring up anything sad or depressing or the relationship for the time being if he's acting distant.

 

My ex broke up with me, he was my first love too (I’m 19 and he’s 18.) we dated for 2 years. He was my first everything. He decided he wanted to be alone, not with me anymore. He wasn’t bothered at all that he ended it, and still doesn’t seem to be. He's going about life like it never happened and even told me "you're single now, other guys will make a move and I want you to be happy" a week or so after we broke up. It hurt a lot. But I left things alone at first. Then a few weeks later got my emotions under control, accepted it, reached out to him and set things on good terms. We talked occasionally after that point, a couple times a week. We saw each other twice since the break up, he was being so nice, I thought he may have had interest in me based on a number of factors, I told myself not to get my hopes up but I did, but then he’d be so cold at other times. It was confusing. I asked him how he felt, brought up the relationship, and it was a disaster to talk about that. I got frustrated because he repeated all the reasons why we can’t be together, it was like hearing everything from the day we broke up ALL OVER AGAIN. But after that it seemed to cool down and be ok. I was frustrated at first but then accepting once more that he just really doesn't want to be with me. I tried casually texting him 3 days after that and he ignored me all that week. He finally got back to me saying he didn't get back to me because "last time I yelled" and by then I was so discouraged anyway that I didn't even care anymore. We have talked a couple times since then, but it’s casual/, I won’t bring up the relationship again. I realized if he wanted me back he’d be the one to show it/say it. He might not even ever want me back or come back, but that's ok too. But I realized no amount of me trying or any sort of tactic would change his mind. But I reflected a lot on the relationship in the 2 months that it has been over and realized the relationship wasn’t perfect in many ways. I hadn't been happy the last few months before it ended. I was having doubts myself, I believe I tried discussing my unhappiness several times one of them I almost broke up with him and he told me to give him another chance, that he'd respect me more and try. But in general how he’d treat me wasn’t always fair, things he’d say, things he’d do, how he'd handle things, how he'd get defensive/flip things around on me like I had a problem. But yet he broke up with me, and I wanted to talk about it at first and he didn't. Ironic, really, since I had given him another chance yet he didn't even want to try and work it out when he was breaking up with me. I should have ended that relationship months ago.

 

But so now if we talk it’s casual, I realized a lot in my times of NC and at this point I don't expect anything, am not bothered when we do/don't talk. I’d be SO incredibly hesitant to take him back if he ever wanted to that I just wouldn't even after all of this and because of also realizing so many things.

 

But my point kinda is, since you broke up with him you’d have to show him and prove that you want him back not just with words but actions. He’d have to gain your trust back. Break ups are hard, there’s no exact way set way to handle them. What’s worked best for me has been leaving things alone and if he reaches out I respond calmly occasionally. But other than that constant contact or begging or crying will only push him away. He probably needs time to think. I am sure you need some time to get your emotions in check as well. Break ups are tricky, he might have lost trust in you if you broke up with him like that, but it can be gained back. He might be hesitant, he might not want to come back after that happened, but you can try to show him you are serious and want him back (though don’t beg or plead or cry). Just calmly talk about it all after some time of no contact. for now it seems as if everything needs to cool down a bit.

[utopia]

I think I just got too emotional when I was writing the previous post and I was not clear enough. Sorry about that.

 

The first time we broke up - it was because of me. Then after one week we got back and everything was like back to normal - we worked it out.

 

This time he broke up with me - second time. About 3 weeks ago he just stopped talking to me that much. He was everytime busy or with his friends. He didn't have time for me. And I started asking what is going on, is everything OK, etc. I tried talking to him about this but he told me to relax. But I couldn't do that and kept asking questions when in the end he told me that it's better to break up... No explanation.. nothing.

 

I didn't contact him since then... neither he did.

 

Sad part is .. I don't think he will contact me.. he is very hard headed.

 

Thank you very much for the advices. Much appreciated. I will just try to stay cool.

 

And I'm sorry for your beak up... these things can never be easy. It's very good that you could handle it.

 

You are right about my emotions. I really need time to relax and get in peace with myself.

[Mizz]

It’s hard to think what goes through people’s heads because that’s the thing, we never truly know what someone else is thinking

 

I re-read both posts.

 

You got back together the first time and at first it was back to normal, then he broke up with you a few weeks later. Hmm, well I’m trying to think. When you got back together did you guys talk about what happened, why you ended it, that you were sorry etc?

 

There’s so many possible things I could think of...

 

Was he seeing his friends more and not making time for you at all? Were you guys that first week arguing or seeing each other a lot? Maybe he wanted a little space so he saw his friends? He could have been more busy than usual, and maybe wanted to see his friends a bit more for whatever reason, but if he was completely ignoring you then that’s not good. I wonder if you talking to him about how sorry you were, if he possibly felt pressured to get back with you after you broke up. Maybe in your time apart (you mentioned going on vacation for a couple weeks?) he could have possibly reflected on things and his feelings. Maybe he’s confused of what he wants.

 

But if you kept asking questions and asking what was going on and if he was telling you it was fine and you kept persisting then it might have turned him off a bit.

 

But if he wasn’t making any time for you at all then you being concerned and wanting to talk and him not willing to talk isn’t right either. He should be willing to listen to you and respect your feelings.

 

Again, he could be acting cold and a bit distant now possibly due to if he’s confused of what he wants though. You never truly know what’s going through his head.

 

But if he isn’t responding and if your emotions are all over the place then it’s best to just not talk to him for now.

 

You can’t overanalyze things, that only makes things worse You also can’t sit around and wonder if he’d contact you or not because that will also drive you crazy.

 

You need to focus on yourself for now, keep your mind off of this all for the time being. I’ll say what many have said before, if it’s meant to be then it’s meant to be. No amount of trying would change his mind, it’s a decision he’d have to make on his own. But you can’t wait around wondering, you need to live your life in the mean time. Do things you like, see family, friends, read a book, do something that makes you feel pretty. Before anything you need to get your emotions under control, relax, and focus on yourself.

[Moggs]

Great thread thank you, gave me the strength stay invisible for a while and work on myself and spend time with my good friends, thanks !!!

[utopia]

Yes Mizz you are right.

 

When we got back together I told him that I'm very sorry. And that it was very stupid. He told me he is happy to have me in his life and loves me and it's not a problem. He told me I can be with him when I want.

 

In the last few weeks he didn't ignore me completely, but our conversations were only on skype. Most of the times it was me asking how he is doing. He answering that he is very tired and going to sleep or busy and not asking me how I am or what I'm up to. This bothered me very much.

 

I hate the fact that I don't know what is going on in his head. God I wish I could know... I just miss him so much. But I guess I will have to get used to this.

Maybe you are right that I pushed him away with all my questions. But... what can I do.. when I care about someone I need to know what is going on in his/her life.

 

I wish I could told him how much I miss him, but I'm pretty sure this will only push him farther.

 

Anyway, I would like to hear any advice or good words... It will make me feel better

 

Thank you, and I wish smiley day for everybody

[XkatieX]

Ok Iv'e been posting a lot this morning.

But really need some help. Went were together for three years (mostly very happy).

He broke up with me yesterday over a few issues and said he couldn't deal with it anymore and wants to be single for a while.

I kind of stormed out and didnt say goodbye, which I regret. I havn't contacted him since and have just changed my facebook status to single.

However I want him to know that I'm not angry at him..

 

He is helping his mum move away today and I was thinking about giving him a quick text, nothing major just to let him know I hope it went ok.

That way he will know I'm not angry towards him?

[tallydoo]

STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE. I've done it; it didn't blow up in my face, but it did prevent my healing from starting as soon as it should have. Just walk away for right now, and every time you have the urge to text or call him think about the exact purpose of it, and sleep on it before you do it. That way you can make sure it's not impulsive/desperate.

[Tom1990]

... have just changed my facebook status to single.

However I want him to know that I'm not angry at him..

 

As a guy, I can assure you he's not hurt by this. He knows you guys are broken up. He was there when it happened. It's your profile to do with as you please.

[Vigilant]

Boy, what a gamut of emotions I've had.

 

I think it's done now... I'm finally content with where things are enough to just let them be and move forward. The door is open just a tiny crack, we're both aware that it is, and I'm not looking back again. She's studying abroad for the next year, and I'm graduated, so odds are we won't run into each other again.

 

I wouldn't say it gets better... but I recognize how things could have been improved, both from her end and mine, and that combined with the lessening frequency of the thought/memory of her running through my mind is... bittersweet relief. Like digging deeper into semi-healed flesh to dig out shrapnel, so that the wound can heal properly.

[skheehee]

I have a question. What if you and your ex had so many fights throughout your 3 year relationship that she just gave up toward the end and said that she didn't love you anymore. We ended things mutually, which was for the best at that moment as I was preparing for my examinations. Throughout that time when we were apart, she maintained contact with me every few weeks, saying that she missed me and all, and I replied her that I felt the same way. I even asked her a few times if we could work things out and she said it was not possible. This made me mad, and i blocked her number from being able to call me, and i blocked her off Facebook. The thing is, after my last paper, which was about 1 1/2 months after the break up, she got into a relationship with this guy she met a month before in a club. I was obviously enraged and asked her why she led me on the whole time I was having my papers. She just said that she didn't want to lose me as a friend.

 

This is when I cracked. I called her and begged her to give me another chance. She didn't budge. In the end, I told her how much I loved her, and I told her I would change. She said people don't change that fast. I asked her to give me one last chance, and even told her I would wait for her. God, I feel so sorry for myself for groveling at her "feet". So, by the advice of my friends, I tried NC at first. The thing is that throughout those 3 years, most of the time, we were happy. We were very much in love with each other. It's many small, stupid, things that led to the break up. to list them all, I would have to start a new thread, and ask you guys how it is that I can improve myself.

 

She told me to give her sometime, one day. A few days later, she told me not to wait for her.

 

Barely a month into her new relationship and she's already moved in with this new guy. I hear that she's having a blast and keeps posting lovey dovey stuff about their activities on Facebook.

 

I tried LC at first, telling her that I would be here for her, and that I still love her and that maybe in the future, we could work things out. But I told her too that right now, it would be best for the both of us to spend time apart.

 

She's had a rough childhood. Her mum was abusive towards her because her dad was never around to provide them with the emotional support. I feel like she needs someone who cares about her in life, and thats where I come in. I care and love her so much. I am just afraid that whatever I have done during the 2nd half of our relationship is still on her mind, and that reconciliation is out of the question. The first few days after I got to know that she was in a relationship with this guy, she texted me and told me that everything was gonna be fine for me, that I would find someone better who would appreciate me for who I am. The thing is that, this guy who she is with, she said that he stuck with her throughout the time that she was still distraught over the breakup, that he was there for her. I told her that he obviously had other intentions in mind, but she wouldn't listen.

 

God, it hurts to bad. To think that I wanted to propose to her after I was done with school in 2 year, thinking that we would've a solid relationship... I lost my virginity to her. And I made her pregnant once. By accident. I just want her back in my life, but everyone around me says I deserve better. I've gone 5 days NC now, after 2-3 weeks of LC. What should I do? I'm trying to be my own man, be the person who can stand on his 2 feet, that guy who was confident and smart and attractive. I've been going to the gym, running my a** off, hanging out with friends. I'm even going on a date this Thursday...but everytime I take part in these activities, my mind just goes back to her, and how I messed things up. I wish to set things right again.

 

Any advice, anyone? There are some parts of my story that I think I left out, which might be important, but this is basically the gist of it. Should I continue to hope? I told her I'd wait for her.

[Joie]

SuperDave,

 

It's amazing this thread is still going and that you continue to help people with NC. I'm not quite sure what I want to say. I'm feeling a lot of pain from my relationship ending, but I think I was in even greater pain when my ex and I were together. I've never been very good at relationships and I've always seemed to be in or getting over one. I guess you could call me a serial monogamist. After years of watching the pattern repeat, I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I use relationships to avoid the work I need to do on myself.

 

I remember the time just before my ex and I became romantically involved. We were good friends for over a year. I spent a lot of time working and exercising and was feeling pretty good about myself. The transition from friends to lovers was abrupt. And I think because both of us were in the early stages of practicing taking good care of ourselves, our relationship was very rocky for the year we were together.

 

Our break up a month an a half ago was mutual, but there wasn't any discussion, just sort of a blow up. I think we both care very much for each other, but can't tolerate the negative behaviors of the other person. I'm often a walking ball of stress who rains pessimism (i.e. I'm no fun). And he has deep seeded fears about working on projects with other people and generally being relied on to do what he says he will do (i.e. He's not responsible).

 

I don't know what's going to happen between us, whether we'll come back to the relationship after some growing time, rekindle a friendship, or move on for good. What I do know is that while I truly love my ex, I wasn't happy most of time in our relationship because I wasn't happy with myself. And isn't that what matters most? Feeling comfortable in your own skin. My ex can't give that to me no matter how much he loves me and vice versa.

 

Reading this thread happened at an important time for me. Part of me desperately wants to lure my ex back with assurances that we can work things out if we stay together, but in my heart I know that the work we need to do must be done alone and for ourselves, not the relationship. The only way I can do this is with NC. Instead of thinking about my ex, I can focus my attention on: (1) my career, (2) quitting smoking, (3) taking care of my home, (4) exercising, and (5) regularly rewarding myself for my hard work with things like a night out, a massage, a new haircut, etc. I know this will help me feel better and, once it becomes the norm, I doubt I'll want anything to do with my ex if he hasn't similarly used our time apart. I think it helps me know that it isn't a question of feeling--I know we love each other--but of skill. Keeping the commitment to care for myself will be the most difficult thing I do in my life. Letting go of the outcome it will have on my relationship with my ex is essential.

[jasmin1989]

Dear SuperDave!

 

your posts help everyone sooo much!

I wish I would have found this site sooner!

your support here and your wise words are such a big inspiration and a real motivation!

I read sooo many posts of you and they really keep me going and I feel sooo much better!

but still it'd mean the world to me if you'd answer my specific topic...and it would help me sooo much if you could read it, because I'm so confused right now and don't know what to do exactly and I'd love to hear your opinion on that!

thank youu sooooo muuuuch in advancee!!

 

it's the thread with the title:

can someone pleaasee explain his behaviour to meee?? in need of advicee

[SuperDave71]

I am sorry Jasmin1989. I wish I had the time to answer individual PM's and posts but I would be simply overwhelmed. Please do not take this personally. The reason I create a thread is to do what I can to help everyone. I hope you find the advice you are looking for. I am no expert and this site is FILLED with wonderful people willing to help you and listen.

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[JANC]

Its great to find a place where everything makes sense instead of most of the crap on the internet.

 

Yes I was dumped after 4 years and it hurt like hell. I was never able to show this girl my true feeling due to childhood abuse but I am now in a better place but without her. She finished it via text message but we did see each other a few times landing up in bed but I just could not help myself texting her stupid amounts asking if she still wanted me.

 

I just asked her to tell me it was over but she never replied. Finally I called and someone called back saying it was her new number and to stop calling.

 

So please everyone listen to what has been said on the site. Do not contact your ex. NC is the only way. I have learned this now and have not contacted her for a Month.

 

Yes it hurts but not as much as being made to look a fool. Will she ever come back? Doubt it but I am getting on with my life. Yes drink is not good but it helped me get rid of my feelings. Delete EVERYTHING of your ex. This means no stupid calls in the middle of the night. They dump you and by acting like I did you show them WHY they are correct.

 

The more you contact them the more they know that they can have fun knowing you are there as a safety net if things do not work out

 

Would I take her back now?

 

Yes I would still but its getting better as I am keeping myself busy by going out and meeting new people.

 

I am not looking for someone new but being in different company really helps as I move to a new town and knew no one so went out myself and made friends.

 

Anyway listen to the great advise on here and whatever you do make sure its NC all the way.

 

As so many people have said I wish I had found this site back in June ...........lol

[JANC]

BTW.

 

If you are struggling at any point of the break watch the following film.

 

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

 

Honestly you watch him trying to cope with the break up and it helps you.

 

Well everyone is different but it helped me alot..........lol

[PH88]

Hey SuperDave I was wondering my ex broke up with me roughly a week and a half ago. Been going nc since(she texted me a couple days ago to check up but I kept it short) and so I blocked her from Facebook yesterday..

 

Was this the right move? I still love her immensely but I don't want her to take it the wrong way that I want her to be out of my life I just cant go on fb without checking up on her.. Does this show her that I am weak and need all communication shut out or does it show that I am moving on?

[PH88]

Or anyone willing to give me feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[bw92116]

Well what do you want? To be with her or to move on?

[Sportster2005]

Hey SuperDave I was wondering my ex broke up with me roughly a week and a half ago. Been going nc since(she texted me a couple days ago to check up but I kept it short) and so I blocked her from Facebook yesterday..

 

Was this the right move? I still love her immensely but I don't want her to take it the wrong way that I want her to be out of my life I just cant go on fb without checking up on her.. Does this show her that I am weak and need all communication shut out or does it show that I am moving on?

 

It was the right move. How she perceives it is less important than you being able to move on. You are broken up. She should perceive it as just part of breaking up. We can only guess how she will perceive it. My hunch is she will perceive it as strength. Your willing to move on and demonstrating it. That's strength not weakness.

[SkyNet]

When me and my ex broke up I was in pieces, but everyone told me not to contact her, move on. I heard this from a friend-psychotherapist too, but did I listen? God no, I tried to but my emotions were just so high I just couldn't listen to my brain, my heart was just so loud. And I slowly made things worse, action by action. Now it's over as it can be, she's with another. If he hadn't been in the picture even I might react otherwise and NC would be easier to cope with. But I was afraid that every day she would get closer to him or he to her. I was afraid I will lose her forever and thought to myself I got nothing to lose. But I did and I feel like a fool now. Maybe it would help if there wasn't for him, but I'll never know. But as I see her now and after all the bad things she's done to me in this BU time...that's not the person I feel in love with and it's certainly not the person I'd like to spent any time with yet alone my whole life!