Vigilant

Boy, what a gamut of emotions I've had. I think it's done now... I'm finally content with where things are enough to just let them be and move forward. The door is open just a tiny crack, we're both aware that it is, and I'm not looking back again. She's studying abroad for the next year, and I'm graduated, so odds are we won't run into each other again. I wouldn't say it gets better... but I recognize how things could have been improved, both from her end and mine, and that combined with the lessening frequency of the thought/memory of her running through my mind is... bittersweet relief. Like digging deeper into semi-healed flesh to dig out shrapnel, so that the wound can heal properly.

Day 30 and 31 OK, I know I didn't start posting in this thread until about day 20, but I was keeping a journal on hand before this so I've looked through all those entries annnnd... [drumroll] The short answer? It gets better. Is it tough to do? You bet it is. But I have never pressured her or asked her to get back in a relationship, and when that fateful day of the BU came, I was able to tell her she was of course, free to go. I remember thinking when I first found out about NC and then later finding these forums a few weeks after the breakup, and thinking how inconceivable it was to be NC for 3 months. It's now coming up on 4 months, thankfully, I've been growing in leaps and bounds, and learned that there are no tricks to getting her back other than to let go and live my life to the fullest. (That isn't a real trick by the way, it's how to fix yourself and improve yourself for the next time you're in a relationship... whoever that may be.) I didn't know much about love, and had some rose-tinted views of it and relationships. One of the first things I vowed to do post BU was find out as much as I could about love and relationships so that the next time I got into a relationship where I felt about the person the way I did about my ex, I would have the tools to make it last. I spent a few hours reading in the breakup and relationship section of my local Barnes and Nobles, and bought a couple of books that really stood out. One of the things I learned was I depended on my ex to satisfy my needs, and that I really didn't know what those were. I am aware of what those are now, and how to satisfy them on my own and through other people. I re-learned that I have the strength to stand on my own and thrive in the face of rejection and disappointment. I began being more active in hanging out with people, and going to events that I would have blown off before because I would rather have hung out with her. I now have a group that I can pretty much call up and have a good chance of being able to drop by and spend time with. I've had to deal with extreme pain and loss before, so one of the things that held me back from moving forward was the fact that I knew that I would get over her and be able to move on, and she was so special that I didn't want to just write her off. However, I was able to realize when she would contact me, it would be breadcrumbs and would have a negative effect upon my psyche. So i was able to respectfully and gracefully ask her for more time before speaking again. During this time I also finally began to see a couple of things that I think are of utmost importance; The love that comes from romantic relationships is a wonderful thing, but it's not everything. The rose tinted glasses have been removed, but unlike some other aspects of life, it seems that my perceptions of relationships and love are really not that far off from the romanticized ideal I possessed. I also think it is important to keep a certain amount of that ideal intact, as long as it's balanced out by reason and logic. After all this, I was finally able to see things from her side. I had a pretty good idea of what that was for months before the BU; but I was able to look at it from a point of view that freed myself for any blame or contribution that could have led to her decision to BU. Without going too much detail about her personal life, she is very impulsive and emotionally driven, and shows signs of depression. She doesn't believe she deserves to be happy, and the reason I became worried and clingy about her was partly because i was worried about her and knew something was wrong, and just wanted to be there if she needed me. She also has major trust issues, she doesn't feel like she can open up to anyone, including her family. She's a mess, basically, and I have to realize that only a very small part of the stress in her life could have possibly been created by me. The ball's in my court, and for now, I don't think I'll serve it back. Not out of spite, but because there's no reason to just yet. I feel that I am ready to talk to her and I no longer hold any expectations, but I think it's best she has less to deal with for now. We still have a few months where we'll be attending the same school, and it's quite likely we'll meet each other in person. Things will go from there. She's been seeing a therapist, so I hope she's getting what she needs to get out in the open. Would I consider reconciliation? Yes. Do I still love her and care for her? Of course. There will always be a part of me that does. Would I be OK without her in the long run? Yeah. The thing is, I've released all expectation for her and for myself- I am choosing to become enlightened and to profit from this situation as much as I can. I am reaping the benefits of my efforts, and I am doing it for myself, not with the agenda to show her later. Love and love well, because it's too wonderful an emotion to be half-hearted. Love yourself, love the ones who care about you, and invest in the things you love to do. Invest in love in the right ways, and love will invest in you. Thanks to everyone on this forum, it has been a huge help in getting me where I am now. Best of luck to all those who are healing.

She's got to heal, too. Might be she's reaching out to get attention/support.

Day 28 & 29 Well, it's interesting. I have definitely gotten better at keeping myself busy, depending on myself, finding out about my needs, etc. It's odd being the one that is in control of opening up communication; and I'm not even sure if I want to or not. I don't think I'll worry about it for now, as I'm sure I'm not fully ready yet. One of the things I need to work on as a person is to not overthink things, so I'll just let things flow. Tomorrow is day 30, I have a promising job interview to go to tomorrow, my last semester of college is about to start... life is on track as best as it can be right now.

Day 27 Amazing how writing things down helps your state of mind. I feel really chill and confident. Thinking about her a lot, but I am much more accepting of the situation and don't need to get her off my mind by trying to instill feelings of indignance, which I sometimes employ when it gets really bad, usually as a way to snap myself out of my slump. I try to make sure it's temporary and I reason that the breakup wasn't that way, but I sometimes don't stick up for myself as much as I should, so I guess I'm just refining that feature of my personality.

Day 25 Day 26 An improvement over the past couple of days. Mornings and nights on my own she runs accross my mind briefly. Came to the (healthy) realization that while she is a great person and has many qualities I admire and are attractive to me, she isn't trusting and doesn't verbally express her feelings, just shoves them way down. I may have been a little clingy, but I know that I got worse mostly because I would know something would be wrong, she would hint that it was so, and then close herself off. I never pushed her, just told her I would happily listen if she ever had anything to say. I am very comfortable around her, and also am more frank and open. Not very much so, but I can reach out when I'm struggling. She doesn't reach out to anyone; not even her sister. Which is why I'm glad she's seeing a therapist; she's been going on for many months on how she felt she needed one. Needless to say, it was draining and frustrating to be in that situation when it arose. I don't want to be in a relationship where the person isn't open and honest and lets the anger and resentment fester until she is too stressed to talk about her problems and just withdraws from everything instead to relieve the stress. She's still figuring a lot of things out about herself; not to say I don't have anything to learn about myself, but I've always been mature for my age, and had several significant events happen in my life that have further enhanced the effect. Everyone I knew was impressed with me and my interactions with her despite it being my first serious relationship. I don't think I was a bad boyfriend; and any things I needed to learn were minor enough to where someone with patience could tolerate me/helped me to improve. She said at some point that while she was driving away after breaking up with me, she felt that she was making a big mistake. I don't necessarily agree with that because maybe we need to grow on our own and learn to love and accept ourselves and those around us. I'm not closed off to the idea of reconciliation with her, but that growth and realization needs to happen before we have a shot at a new relationship. I'm doing NC for myself; but I have to remember that in my case, it's what's currently best for the both of us to heal and go on. Who knows what the future holds; my next relationship will be a big improvement over this last one, great as it was, because I'll be an improved person who has the tools, knowledge, and drive to make it last. Who it'll be with is whoever can keep pace

Day 22 Woke up missing her in the morning. Got busy, hung out with my roomies and then later went to a friends' place and lived it up a bit. She was off my mind the rest of the day. Day 23 Good day, hung out with people, kept busy all day- had a lot of fun. Then, as I was heading home, I started missing her really badly, and wondering how she was doing. Tried to remind myself that she broke up with me, she made me an option, all the things that's supposed to make you buckle down and get the emotions under control. It didn't work very well. Day 24 Mood from last night carried over to today. I never did anything glaringly wrong during the relationship- never cheated, or hurt her, or belittled her. I got a bit clingy and lost a lot of confidence, and i relied on her to meet my emotional fulfillment more than she could handle. As she put it, I became putty in her hands. So I guess that the fact she broke up with me means she's probably not going to come back. A lot of these mistakes I made were because it was my first serious relationship and I just had some over romanticized misconceptions about love and relationships. I know what I did wrong and I'm working on it now. I'll make sure I don't make that mistake again, but it woulda been nice to have learned that before I met her. ...and now I have to stop thinking about the past that way. Time for me to get busy.

Day 21 Always helps to write and acknowledge when she lingers on my mind. Been doing well today, keeping myself busy and occupied. Very up and positive towards my life. Been wondering if the few times she reached out and was emotional post break-up she was hinting at getting back together. It brought me down a bit, began wondering if I blew it. Now that I'm writing it down, I may as well reflect. She wasn't very forthcoming if she was hinting at getting back together, she definitely didn't say anything like "I miss you" or "I think I made a mistake (Well, she did during the first post breakup talk)" or "I'm sorry" or "I've been doing some thinking"... she just went on about how she's rebounding and wants a warm place to sleep. Regardless if that's the case or not, however, I don't feel she's ready and I know I wasn't/am not. I'm not impressed by her behavior, besides seeing a therapist, it seems she is taking zero steps to change her life, which she is far from content with. Of all the stress in her life that contributed to the emotional breakdown that led to her breaking up with me, of all the things she could have changed in her life, she chose to cut me out of it. She needs to figure out what she wants in life and start doing things for her benefit as opposed to pleasing others or clinging to what's safe and comfortable, and I think she needs to come to that realization for us to have a shot.

Day 20 This is the second time I've been in NC. We broke up in late September, got together once a week after to talk about the break up and what we should both do at length (very positive conversation), then gave her space. Immediately began working on myself. She would initiate contact and then not reply, so I learned quickly to be careful what I reply to. Was doing fine until Dec 6 and 8th; ran into her on 6th. She was very emotional. Was reservedly cool and polite on the 8th. Asked me another question shortly afterward, began feeling slightly used (I don't think she does it maliciously or even intentionally) and like I was relapsing in my healing period losing all my progress. I requested we not speak, stating I was not ready yet to be back on speaking terms and I would need more time. I did leave her a card at her place a few days after as an impersonal way to wish her merry christmas and happy 21st birthday. Keep it short and friendly, figuring it would be impersonal enough to where she didn't feel compelled to respond and I would be indifferent if she responded or not. Then I dropped off the grid. Haven't spoken to her since.

Hello everyone- I stumbled upon this post a few days ago, and since then i've been checking back occasionally. Every time I read, my faith in myself is bolstered, and my resolve is restored. I appreciate and applaud everyone on this thread. The amount of posters I've seen help each other out is also an uplifting and admirable thing to witness. It seems customary to share stories; I'll try to keep mine brief. 11 month relationship, she breaks up with me. I had a lot of misconceptions about love (probably due to this being my first real relationship.) and I tried to fulfill too much of my needs through her... which was unfortunate because she is a very busy person and she had so much stress she could no longer do what she loved to do. I said I didn't like the idea, but I knew resisting would mean directly fighting her, and of course she was free to go, and she knew how to get ahold of me. A week later, I text her asking if we can meet in person. I wanted to apologize for my mistakes and leave the relationship on a good note so we could both move forward. She agrees, and we meet and have a wonderful talk, leaving with no strings attached (We both agreed that we shouldn't cheat ourselves if the opportunity to date other people came up.) with a clear idea from the other how we can improve ourselves. After a week of light contact, I initiate no contact without telling her. During this time, I was trying to figure out how to get her back. i read up how to satisfy my needs and wants, also on relationships in general, so I could learn to be a better partner, and gathered what I could about reconciliation. Last week, after about 2 1/2 months, we run into each other by chance, and she's had a bad day. She breaks down and is crying and laughing at the odds of meeting up. She blurts out a lot about herself and I listen. She finishes, and says she has something to tell me, which she will save for Thursday. (We both saw the same play at school, she knew I would probably go as I attend all of them.) She is seeing a therapist, thank goodness she made time for it, and wanted to tell me something the therapist said about my past to try to help me out. Apparently I come up during their sessions. Both encounters were positive and no talk about our relationship, but I was fazed anyway. That's when i stumbled upon this thread. I realized I didn't have the power I could have and I wasn't in the right mindframe. I texted her that i wasn't ready to be back on speaking terms yet, and i need more time (which is true). She said that was fine, and wished me well. I am using that as my springboard back into NC. It is day 2, and it's getting better all the time. She and I are young, and have a lot to learn, so who knows what time holds? I'm learning to run full tilt towards my future, and whoever ends up keeping up with my pace will probably be the one. I hope to keep track of my progress and to make myself useful to other posters as well. In return I may ask for a hand every once in a while. Thanks again. Stay strong everyone.