How can I help my gf

[Johnnystones]

So I’ve been with my GF for 3 years. We’re both uni students.

We both get the minimum student loan (£4000) and I get 8k per year off grandparents for uni expenses so I am fine for money. However she gets £100 off her Dad per month and nothing from her mum and step dad. I am fine for money and have an alright amount in savings however she is really struggling. She doesn’t get a higher loan because her step dad is so rich, and the student loan website says parents should be making up this difference.

The last few summers we have spent most our money on travel, and have plans to travel again this summer and she is worried about not having enough. I have worked enough to ensure I have but she hasnt.

The last 2 years we agreed to pay half the rent each for our room in a shared house, however I have not had anything off her this year and a tiny amount last year, which I got on with because I care about her and don’t want to take money she doesn’t have.

Recently her mum and step dad have started charging her rent for every night she stays in their house. They also sold an old car they owned for what I think is massively over what it was worth. It needed repairs and lots of body work that they paid for upfront but she now has to pay them back.

I got her a summer job at a place I’ve worked for years in the summer, but I feel I put in more effort to get extra shifts in compared to her, who often has to do this or that on the weekends.

Whenever I try talk to her about financial planning she just gets annoyed and says she has it worked out in her head but it always just goes to sh*t.

I’ve pretty much let her off thousands and thousands over the past couple of years in rent which has obviously left me with less. I am starting to get quite annoyed at the situation and the fact that her RICH step dad is pretty much leaching her for all her money for car payments rent etc, when me, a poor student is not asking for anything.

It’s getting to the point where I’m getting really stressed about it because I feel that I’m the only supportive person she has. Like I’m the only one that will lend her money if she has nothing.. money I don’t know if or when I’ll get back. It just feels ridiculous and a joke that I am having to support her when she has a mum and dad both with high enough household incomes for her to only get the lowest student loan.

Please help with any suggestions you can.

I don’t know what to suggest?? She could get a credit card but I don’t want her getting in debt. I always say you need to be more realistic with your parents about your finances but she gets annoyed. OR I could just lend her money that I may never get back.

Absolutely Anything you may have to add is much appreciated .

Ps. I’d just like to make clear she’s not the kind of person to leech of someone else, she’s a really great and nice person and she’s in the position she is because her family refuses to help her out, so please take this into account in your comments.

[Seraphim]

She needs a job and not to travel. Parents aren’t responsible for our education and life after leaving home. She is an adult now and work is what adults do. 

[DarkCh0c0]

You can't fix nor change her. It's for her to handle her own money affairs, job and family. You need to accept her for who she is and decide whether or not you can find a compromise together.

If this bothers you enough and you can't find a compromise together, then it's best to think over whether you are compatible anymore and whether this is a deal-breaker for you. If you keep paying for her, you just enable her and encourage her to keep up this cycle.

Finances are a BIG compatibility point and it can make or break relationships. So what you're feeling is normal. You seem like a nice guy enough to help her out. Have a serious talk about it, and communicate what you've just shared with us. Then decide what's the best course of action.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Johnnystones said:

Ps. I’d just like to make clear she’s not the kind of person to leech of someone else, she’s a really great and nice person and she’s in the position she is because her family refuses to help her out, so please take this into account in your comments.

No she is not. She is in the position because she studies, doesnt work enough but wants a nice summer vacation when she has no money. She is an adult. Its not her parents fault that she cant budget(Ok maybe it is because they didnt learn her how but the point still stands because its not their fault she doesnt have money). Its her own fault. If her parents end up dead tomorrow, and she gets nothing from them, she needs to still be able to at least takes care of herself. Which she cant because she got used to a bailout. Her parents did it before but now refuse to, and you do it now. She is couple of grands short? Well, her boyfriend will do it. I know some people live like that. But its not the viable way to live because tomorrow her parents, or even you, will maybe be gone. What would she do then when she clearly doesnt know something essential as budgeting? You know what people who dont have money like her do? They dont go to expensive vacation when they are short on money!!!!

And this will continue until you say "No" and stop bailing her out. Then she will need to start working her but off if she wants to afford vacation and not ask for bailout money. Well, either that or she would leave you for somebody who will take her to that vacation. I wouldnt put it past somebody who got used to bailouts lol

 

[smackie9]

She has to get a job or two, quit school temporarily and stop travelling. She will have to save up for school and take affordable online courses. You are not her husband, she's just a GF...so stop supporting her...she's an adult, she has to find a way to stand on her own two feet and figure it out. 

[TeeDee]

You & she have different views about money & the value of work.   She's never going to buckle down & she's not going to budget.  So either pay for her, go without her or stay home but stop expecting her to change.  

[catfeeder]

None of us can prescribe what GF 'should' do, because she's not the one here asking us. But you're an adult and you're capable of weighing whether you love this woman enough to stop counting pennies for her, or whether you resent her lack of means and want to walk away.

Neither choice makes you 'wrong' or 'bad,' you're perfectly entitled to decide either way. But make that decision instead of what you're doing now--riding the fence between love and resentment to your own detriment. That's a miserable way to live. Skip it.

[rainbowsandroses]

OP, is there some reason why she cannot get a part time job?

If I had to guess, this is why her rich dad isn't giving her more $$$, he's teaching her to provide for herself, in order to get on in the world, which means getting a job. 

It's what I did when in college despite my dad being a lawyer and earning a high salary.  And he encouraged that! 

What you're doing is preventing that from happening, you're fostering a mindset of dependency...

This is not healthy and can be quite destructive and I encourage you to stop. 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OP, is there some reason why she cannot get a part time job?

If I had to guess, this is why her rich dad isn't giving her more $$$, he's teaching her to provide for herself, in order to get on in the world, which means getting a job. 

It's what I did when in college despite my dad being a lawyer and earning a high salary.  And he encouraged that! 

What you're doing is preventing that from happening, you're fostering a mindset of dependency...

This is not healthy and can be quite destructive and I encourage you to stop. 

Yup. I had 3 jobs and full time university and slept 3 hours a day. If I could  do it anyone can. 

[Andrina]

I don't even know if I'd believe anything she's saying is true unless I heard it from the horse's mouth about paying the parents rent, having to pay back the car, etc.

You say she isn't a leach, yet she's just fine that you've paid the majority of her rent for 2 years, whereas she'd rather be having fun on weekends instead of pulling those extra shifts that you mentioned. You don't think that's an uncaring act?

There is a thing whereas childish people are extremely attracted to people who have their crap together because that makes life oh so easy for them.

If you believe once she got her degree that she'd all of a sudden pull her weight equally, you obviously haven't had the life experience to know better yet. What you see is what you get.

My parents never saved for college for me. I did live at home the first 2 years, but went to community college first because that's what I could afford instead of starting at uni. I worked from 0630-1430 and then drove directly to college and stayed there until about 1930. Exhausting yet being young with energy, I made it happen. And when I moved out, I moved to uni, paid half rent with my bf, and lived on a lot of cheap food like butter smothered noodles because I couldn't even afford pasta sauce. I definitely did not take any vacations. 

In your shoes, I'd explain how you picking up her expenses is causing you to feel bitterness. There are always options to consider in solving problems. Why don't you live at home? Give up your room sharing with her and do that or move into a one person abode. If your relationship falls apart because of that, oh well. It's bound to anyway when your bitterness continues to grow and her arguing with her vague reasoning gets you nowhere.

[ShySoul]

None of us here know her or her family situation, so any comment directed at her or her motivation is soley that's persons opinion. I'm going to take you at your word that she is a nice person who isn't trying to leech off of you.

For starters, are there other loans or scholarships she could take out? I got scholarships from my university and an outside source to help make up the difference. If one source doesn't provide enough, perhaps look into alternate sources?

Is there a cheaper education option nearby? You can still get a decent education from smaller schools that might help reduce her costs. There is also the possibilty that she might want to delay or extend her education. If you're having trouble making ends meet and having food and a roof over your head, perhaps taking time to get that covered should come first? Save up and take classes when you can or go back once you have a bit if a nest egg?

Watch what you spend. If she can't make rent or cover the basics, then traveling shouldn't be the top priority. Or do a small weekend trip someplace nearby. There are plenty of ways to take a break and have fun that can be done cheaply, especially if money is an issue.

Realize that you can't solve her financial issues, nor should you feel like it has to fall to you. These are lessens she has to learn for herself. It's nice that you want to help her, but it isn't doing either of you any good if she isn't picking up the slack herself.

[Kwothe28]

12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If I had to guess, this is why her rich dad isn't giving her more $$$, he's teaching her to provide for herself, in order to get on in the world, which means getting a job. 

My rich friend was in high school with me in a different town then his parents were. They paid for his place(very cheap room, he had an old granny landlord) and he got like 10 dollars a week. For food and if he wanted to go out. His sister was in college at the time, she had the same type of deal. And their dad was a dentist. Because  his parents believed him and his sister should not live extravagant life and know the value of money.

In the contrast I know the person from college who was also a dentist daughter. But her parents spoiled her to the core. Paid for her own big place in university town, she got a big allowance and if she needed something(like expensive shoes)she would still ask her parents for money. 

In the examples of those two, I would always prefer what my friends parents did. People need to be thought the value of money. No matter if their parents are rich or poor. In this case I very much have a problem with “travel” part. There is no “travel” when you get bail out by your boyfriend by thousands of dollars a year. 

[Batya33]

Agree with all the others.  If she were  your wife/mother of your kids I'd feel somewhat differently.  She can seek out resources on campus to learn how to budget and save better, I've heard good things for example about Dave Ramsey (heard -don't know). Like Seraphim said we've all had to roll up our sleeves and work for what we wanted and differentiate wants from needs.  Travel is a want.  Education... is more of a need in a lot of cases but the sort of education, the timing of it, how you will live during it -is more of a want. 

I paid for my own grad school (my college was very very inexpensive and I got a merit scholarship that would have covered the last year plus some but my parents let me spend it on wants - just saying I was ready to use it for tuition).  For grad school -yes- my parents let me live at home rent free -that was a huge savings -but I paid for my tuition, took out loans for the rest, paid them back in 2.5 years after graduation and it wasn't fun.

Find someone who has these sorts of values -I say that because it sounds like you have these sorts of values.