I feel like porn is influencing sex and I'm getting nothing out of it

[poorlittlefish]

I've started dating someone who, like me, has been on his own for a few years.  I accept that he will have been/is watching porn, but it's not something I want brought into my life.  We have started having sex and he has already put his hand around my throat, gone to stick a finger up my backside, slapped me and made me 'talk dirty' during it.  I am not comfortable with any of this and feel it is the porn influencing it.  I told him 'no' for a couple of those things and he stopped.  He refers to our intimacy as f*cking me, which I find disrespectful, yet away from sex he is very sweet and caring towards me. 

I'm getting frustrated because I'm getting nothing out of this sex.  If he tries to stimulate me (only for a few seconds) he's way too heavy-handed for it to be pleasurable and I've had to ask him to be more gentle with my breasts too, because he's caused bruises.  I've never experienced this before.  He's younger than me and I feel that he's expecting our intimacy to mirror porn.  There's only been one man who's been able to make me orgasm through penetration alone, so I know I need to use my hand during sex, but now I feel ashamed and inadequate doing that and he wants to "flip me over" before I've had a chance to get anywhere.

Outside of the bedroom I really like this guy, but I'm finding it so difficult to express my needs.  I don't want to split up with him, but I fear he will get bored or fed up with me if I continue being unable/unwilling to respond like someone in a porn movie.  How do I get over this?!

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

. 

I'm getting frustrated because I'm getting nothing out of this sex.  If he tries to stimulate me (only for a few seconds) he's way too heavy-handed for it to be pleasurable and I've had to ask him to be more gentle with my breasts too, because he's caused bruises. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you seem very uncomfortable and sexually incompatible. It's fine for you not to be into BDSM kinks especially if it's physically and emotionally painful. Please don't try to please him at the expense of your physical and mental well-being. 

[Kwothe28]

Its not necessarily porn. Lots of stuff you pick up along the way. For example, maybe his ex loved those stuff. In lots of ways its learning. What works with one it may not with somebody else. But you still try because it worked before. Or because he likes it. For example maybe his kink is to be “dominating”. Which does brings up a question of compatibility. Since he is unwilling to learn and adapt and you dont like his ways. 

[Andrina]

That sounds really scary to me. He barely knows you and doesn't have the intelligence to ask if you're okay with him putting his hands on your throat, and is so rough you're bruised? I'd be terrified and even if he improved, I'd worry he'd revert and in the heat of the moment, start choking me to the point of it being deadly dangerous and he might say, "Oh, it seemed like you were getting into this and I thought you'd like that, now."

I don't know why you should get over this. That'd be dealbreaker behavior to me. You can find another guy who is sweet and also matches you in the area of intimacy. It's not like sweetness is a rare commodity.

 

[waffle]

I don't think people (read: men, since they are the main consumers of porn) realize how it alters your perception of a healthy sex life.

I cringe every time I read how "normal" it is to watch.  It may be common,  but that doesn't mean it is "normal." Far from it.

[bluecastle]

3 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

How do I get over this?!

Why do you want to "get over" what you've described? I ask this earnestly. 

I can only speak for myself, but there are three areas of compatibility that are essential for me to pursue a relationships with anyone: emotional/spiritual, intellectual, and sexual. If in exploring these realms I find there is a glaring disconnect, I take that to mean the relationship is not worth pursuing. 

You and this guy? I don't think anything is gained by theorizing about whether or not porn has played a role in his desires and approach. Maybe, maybe not. What matters is that what he's into is not what you're into, at all. Were you writing here about "getting nothing out of it" because he was too vanilla I'd say the same thing. 

 

[itsallgrand]

My honest reaction? Hell no. Get the f out of here with bruising and hands around the throat etc. Not cool! People can like whatever they like consensually but this dude is an oaf and he's not paying attention to the other person in the room YOU. 

I don't like to hear that you are worried about him getting bored or fed up. It makes me worried for you that you are putting too much focus on pleasing him. 

 

[LootieTootie]

4 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I can only speak for myself, but there are three areas of compatibility that are essential for me to pursue a relationships with anyone: emotional/spiritual, intellectual, and sexual. If in exploring these realms I find there is a glaring disconnect, I take that to mean the relationship is not worth pursuing. 

 

Yes amen, BC.

Poorlittlefish, if violent sex/dirty talk is not your cup of tea, you need to walk away now. This is his thing. It's what gets him off and there are some people who are into that, BDSM. Obviously not you.

This is a new relationship, so the sooner you cut the cord the better.

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Poorlittlefish, if violent sex/dirty talk is not your cup of tea, you need to walk away now. This is his thing. It's what gets him off and there are some people who are into that, BDSM. Obviously not you.

This is a new relationship, so the sooner you cut the cord the better.

^ This.   Totally sexual incompatible.  I'd make him an EX so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.

Littlefish..... don't put up with this. Don't do this to yourself.  He needs to be gone. The sooner the better.

[catfeeder]

On 5/17/2024 at 9:14 AM, poorlittlefish said:

I feel that he's expecting our intimacy to mirror porn. 

Have you told him this?

[MissCanuck]

You are completely incompatible in the bedroom. 

It doesn't matter that he is sweet otherwise. He does things you are not comfortable with and the sex is bad as a result. 

Please move on from this and don't waste your time wondering about the role porn plays. Just get out and find someone who is better match and more skilled between the sheets. This guy is a bulldozer who cares only about his own needs in bed.

[poorlittlefish]

12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Have you told him this?

In passing, yes.  I literally said that I felt he wanted some kind of porn star and I couldn't be that person.  Unsurprisingly he just denied that was what he wanted.  I am going to try and talk to him about how this has been making me feel and if he is not responsive to my needs then I will have to break things off.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

In passing, yes.  I literally said that I felt he wanted some kind of porn star and I couldn't be that person.  Unsurprisingly he just denied that was what he wanted.  I am going to try and talk to him about how this has been making me feel and if he is not responsive to my needs then I will have to break things off.

I'd be specific with I statements "I feel uncomfortable when you [insert how he touches you etc]"  No need even to mention porn - just about your personal comfort level and boundaries.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

In passing, yes.  I literally said that I felt he wanted some kind of porn star and I couldn't be that person.  Unsurprisingly he just denied that was what he wanted.  I am going to try and talk to him about how this has been making me feel and if he is not responsive to my needs then I will have to break things off.

Unfortunately you're compatible.  He makes you feel physically and emotionally in pain.

You've already spoken to him about it. This isn't about porn, it's about he's Into BDSM and kinks that are painful and upsetting to you. 

Please don't vanilla-shame yourself into thinking you have to acquiesce to his wants.