Emotional Turmoil. Cheating, Love, avoidant-anxious. Lots of things piled into 1

[MapkycBG]

Hello Everyone,

I find myself deeply entangled in a complex, emotionally charged relationship with a woman who, interestingly, shares my astrological sign, Aries, and even a name similar to mine. I am 30 and she is 28. Our connection started unexpectedly last December, and what began with an instant spark and a kiss has evolved into something profoundly complex. Today, I'm reaching out to this community for some perspective and advice on how to navigate this turbulent relationship.

Our first meeting was electric, leading to an immediate kiss, setting the tone for what has become a passionate and multifaceted relationship. Initially, our encounters were sporadic, filled with flirting and undeniable tension, often during office events or casual meet-ups related to work. Things took a significant turn in late February this year, moving our casual flirtations into deeper, more emotional territories.

Currently, she is in the process of ending a relationship with another man, planning a final video call to officially conclude things. This has been happening for a while and she has always prolonged the break up. Either not getting enough courage in her to do it, or "something happened" that postponed it for another time. This relationship started just before we met and was meant as a rebound after her nearly 13-year relationship ended, which included a broken engagement and discussions of marriage and family, adding significant emotional weight to her current state.

She often uses alcohol (mainly beer) and marijuana to numb her intense emotions, a coping mechanism that worries me about her ability to deal healthily with her feelings. Despite these challenges, our connection, especially physical and emotional, is incredibly strong—bordering on the extraordinary. This intensity makes me wonder if it's the allure of the forbidden or a genuine, deep-seated connection.

Concerns:
Infidelity and Trust: Her ongoing affair with me, despite being in a relationship, raises flags about potential future fidelity issues.
Emotional Availability: Her struggles with attachment—preferring distance over closeness and a shattered belief in romantic ideals—create barriers to deep emotional connection.
Personal Well-Being: While I am committed to supporting her, I'm conscious of the emotional toll our situation exerts on me.

Attachment Styles:
Our attachment styles are at odds; her avoidant nature conflicts with my anxious tendencies, heightening my fears of abandonment and complicating our interactions.

Expectations and Reflections:
Despite logical reasons to step back, my emotions are deeply tied to her. While I don't have the same experience that she had, I know what it's like to be alone in your head and overall. It's not good. While I don't aim to "fix" her, I want to support her through this emotional turmoil. I see signs of her care and affection, which fuels my hope for a future together. Yet, I'm also aware of the potential personal cost—supporting her through her turmoil might mean sacrificing my emotional health.

I'm torn between self-preservation and a deep desire to build something lasting with her. How should I navigate these waters? Is there a way to foster a healthier relationship dynamic that respects both our needs? Any insights or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and for any advice you can offer.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, MapkycBG said:

, often during office events or casual meet-ups related to work. 

Currently, she is in the process of ending a relationship with another man, planning a final video call to officially conclude things. 
She often uses alcohol (mainly beer) and marijuana to numb her intense emotions, a coping mechanism that worries me about her ability to deal healthily with her feelings. Despite these challenges, our connection, especially physical and emotional, is incredibly strong—bordering on the extraordinary. 

Sorry this is happening. It seems like just chemistry. However she has a BF and a lot of bad habits. If you enjoy hot and heavy rollercoaster rides this may be fun for a while until you get burned out.  Basically there's nothing to preserve or build on here. 

[MapkycBG]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It seems like just chemistry. However she has a BF and a lot of bad habits. If you enjoy hot and heavy rollercoaster rides this may be fun for a while until you get burned out.  Basically there's nothing to preserve or build on here. 

I understand that and have overthinking it for a while. 

Truth is, she has been planning to break up with her current BF for a while now. Only to prolong it. 
Nonetheless, the chemistry is there. That is an absolute fact. However, I do see it in her eyes and the way she acts when she's with me that it's more than that. More than basic chemistry. 

She said she loved me twice, and admitted a couple of times that has strong feelings towards me and I am deep in her heart. 

[smackie9]

I'm an Aries. Aggressive/assertive/passionate. You are letting her get away with murder. She's planted her seeds of herself in you, and you can't cut them out because you are set up in a delusional world that she created. It's all bad my friend...just smoke and mirrors, and empty promises. We start out hot, and then take advantage to feed our egos. You are not going to get what you were promised and that's the reality you are faced with. Sorry but you can't always get what you want. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, MapkycBG said:

 the way she acts when she's with me that it's more than that. More than basic chemistry. She said she loved me twice, and admitted a couple of times that has strong feelings towards me and I am deep in her heart. 

Please keep in mind that she's probably telling her BF all this as well because she runs on drugs chemistry and wild and crazy rollercoasters.  As long as she's with this guy you can be assured they have "chemistry" too. 

[MapkycBG]

Thank you for your comments! 

I realize that the situation is far from ideal. The most logical thing would be to run away and don't look back. To question myself why am I not doing it? I don't have a straight answer. Maybe as you say, I am hopelessly in this delusional world that she created by planting her seed in me. Maybe. 

Maybe I am just too soft and want to support her through her emotional turmoil, even while it is taking its toll on me. 

It is hard, I am not going to lie. However, I do believe that there is a part of her that is genuine. I do feel that all of the circumstances that led to her behavior are to blame for this. Her long relationship, the engagement, the breakup, the rebound, her childhood even. A lot of her problems stem from her parents. 

This situation as mentioned in the topic above has been going on since mid-February. She told me that they will speak with her current BF this Thursday to finally "end" it. I have my doubts as she has said before. When he was visiting her or when she was visiting him. After that Thursday, she is going out of the country for a few days. 

I plan to have one final conversation with her after that. I have my therapist scheduled for next Monday, so I will comment with them as well regarding the matter. 

As I've said, I do feel and believe that a part of her is really genuine (or I just look for the good in people). 

If she doesn't provide me with at least small bit of clarity, I will pull away. Honestly, I will leave the door open slightly as I do have deep feelings for her. I do want her to reach out and reciprocate at least a little of what I've shown and done for her. So far - nothing. 

I do not want to "fix her", just.. support her and guide her toward happiness. 

There are a few times I've told her about this metaphorical rope. She feels as if she is in a deep hole and I keep telling her that I am on the top of that hole and holding that rope. She just needs to grab onto it. That's it. 
 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, MapkycBG said:

I find myself deeply entangled in a complex, emotionally charged relationship with a woman who, interestingly, shares my astrological sign

I cant stress this enough but:

Astrology is a scam. Please dont base your relationships on compatibility of your astrological signs or whatever.

Also, somebody who is already in relationship when they met you, and especially somebody who often uses substances like alcohol and drugs, isnt really a suitable partner for anyone who wants a healthy relationship. If you want a mess of a life, then go ahead with this, otherwise my advice is to simply not be entagled with that huge mess she is.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I cant stress this enough but:

Astrology is a scam. Please dont base your relationships on compatibility of your astrological signs or whatever.

Also, somebody who is already in relationship when they met you, and especially somebody who often uses substances like alcohol and drugs, isnt really a suitable partner for anyone who wants a healthy relationship. If you want a mess of a life, then go ahead with this, otherwise my advice is to simply not be entagled with that huge mess she is.

Completely agree and don't let yourself indulge in pretty words, multisyllabic verbiage, psychobabble. Get real, get simple.  Simply put -chemistry isn't enough and I had to chuckle at how you justified her drug and alcohol use/abuse - lol everyone has intense emotions.  And people who have emotional health issues have healthful options other than abusing drugs and alcohol - could be therapy, meds, talking to friends, self-help books that resonate, exercise - all of the above.  She's drinking too much and smoking too much weed because .... she wants to!  Get just that simple and distill what you wrote into - "we're intensely attracted to each other and we're a bad fit for dating or a relationship so I'll do the healthful and right thing (right as in ethical -she's involved with someone else and always has been) and make an exit and move on.

[Capricorn3]

I totally agree with ALL the posters above.  OP, what is a little concerning is that no matter what red flags people have pointed out to you, you keep defending and finding excuses. Why is that?  Is your self-esteem so low that you feel you can't do any better?  Or would you say you're the kind who thrives on drama?  What do get out of this mess?

Just reading your subject title, this should tell you everything - it's a dysfunctional "relationship" and a hot mess. Train wreck comes to mind.  Do yourself a huge favor and quit.  You can do a lot better.

[MissCanuck]

Good grief, OP, this woman is a hot mess. 

Please don't expect this to actually turn into a real relationship. It's not going to. She is your average cake-eater, and you make a ridiculous number of excuses for her. 

Nothing good is going to come of this. 

[boltnrun]

Some people find hot messes immensely alluring. It's usually because for whatever reason they associate anxiety and nervousness and sometimes even fear and emotional pain with "love". Nope, they're just different intense emotions. Mostly negative ones, but they sure do get the adrenaline pumping!

You can continue to attach yourself to this woman but all you'll get out of it is a lot of heartbreak. Maybe that's what you want?

[catfeeder]

On 5/14/2024 at 9:08 AM, MapkycBG said:

... the chemistry is there. That is an absolute fact. However, I do see it in her eyes and the way she acts when she's with me that it's more than that. More than basic chemistry. 
She said she loved me twice, and admitted a couple of times that has strong feelings towards me and I am deep in her heart. 

You sound like the guy who's group of friends can't pull him out of the strip club after a lap dance. "No, you don't understand--she's really into me. We really have something, she said she loves me!"

If you're not willing to walk away until she's cleaned up her old business, then here you are. If this is good enough for you, then it is. Good luck.

 

[yogacat]

I'm sure you feel like you're the cool guy because she's in a relationship and you're the one she's cheating with. And only if you can get her to leave her boyfriend you'll feel like you've accomplished something.

Problem is behind the scenes, she might not leave her boyfriend. 

Oh, and on the Aries thing, silly astrology. You know when all the astrologers say, "It's time to be prepared for a change in your life", that happens every day, to everyone...and it always has. 

BTW, I'm cancer, and it's so fitting.😆

[Andrina]

Don't we all have crosses in life to bear? I don't know anyone, myself included, who is spared from at least one, or sometimes many, main stressors that life bombards one with. No reason to handle anything with toxic behavior.

Perhaps try attending some al-anon and nar-anon meetings, based on years of skilled professionals sharing knowledge on how to handle people in your life who use alcohol and drugs in unhealthy ways. I know for a fact that when people are trying to become sober or to get off drugs, they are advised to not enter into any new relationships or to get a new pet or to buy new property, etc., as those things also come with stress that they don't need while they are trying to concentrate on sobriety.

And someone who isn't even seeking that will always choose their drug of choice or alcohol before any human being. How does it feel to be lower in her eyes than a Bud Light or a drug that smells like a dead skunk?

If you want to play White Knight, do volunteer work, but save the romantic part of your life who is emotionally and mentally healthy. Clean up your own ethics while you're at it, since an upstanding man would've walked away from flirting the instant he knew this woman was taken.

[ShySoul]

On 5/14/2024 at 11:05 AM, MapkycBG said:

However, I do believe that there is a part of her that is genuine. I do feel that all of the circumstances that led to her behavior are to blame for this. Her long relationship, the engagement, the breakup, the rebound, her childhood even. A lot of her problems stem from her parents. 

You're probably right. When there is a connection to a person, you see things in them most don't see. You see things in them they probably can't see in themselves. While others view her as a hot mess who will only bring you trouble, you see hidden layers of a beautiful person deep down, but scared from bad experiences and bad choices. It's not trying to fix or save them. It's trying to be the support and love they might need to help them through. You know you can't do it all and that she has to be the one to help herself in the end, hence your concerns and mixed feelings. It's a lot to invest yourself in this when there is a good chance she won't be able to address her issues. But you still feel that connection to her and want to be there for her.

In my book, that's not a mistake. That's the sign of a good person who really cares about someone. 

As someone who was once drawn to an emotionally damaged person, it can be difficult. But it's not necessarily something you should just give up on. The important thing is to make sure both sides are willing to try and make things work. Being there for her is good and is probably what she needs. But you also can't lose sight of what you need (which I'm sure you are aware of). If you feel that this is becoming one sided, then you need to call her out on it. If she still isn't able to commit, then you can walk away knowing you tried and did the right thing.

On 5/14/2024 at 5:35 AM, MapkycBG said:

Currently, she is in the process of ending a relationship with another man, planning a final video call to officially conclude things.

Relationships and feelings can be a complicated matter, so I'm not going to judge either of you on that. But yes, if this is going to go anywhere, she does need to call things off with him. Continuing as is would not be fair or good for all three of you involved.

On 5/14/2024 at 11:05 AM, MapkycBG said:

There are a few times I've told her about this metaphorical rope. She feels as if she is in a deep hole and I keep telling her that I am on the top of that hole and holding that rope. She just needs to grab onto it. That's it

Nice metaphor. Just keep in mind she has to be the one to choose to grab the rope and climb up. Don't let her grab the rope only to pull you down into the hole with her. 

 

[ShySoul]

On 5/14/2024 at 5:35 AM, MapkycBG said:

I find myself deeply entangled in a complex, emotionally charged relationship with a woman who, interestingly, shares my astrological sign, Aries, and even a name similar to mine.

I'm also pretty sure you weren't basing your relationship off of astrology, that there were many other factors and things in common. If you have an interest in Astrology, that's cool. Everyone is into something.

Personally, I always find those things so vague as to be meaningless. Use enough general personality traits and of course a person will latch onto the ones that describe them best. And aren't we all a little of everything? So really, depending on my mood I could probably fit as well into Aquarius (my sign) as into any other.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

When there is a connection to a person, you see things in them most don't see.

This is true however it's also important to remember that often times when you feel an intense (in this case unhealthy) connection to another person, one will see things that are NOT there at all.

I would say the latter is what's happening here after reading all of OP's posts...

SS I know you always like to see the positive in everything, I used to as well.  Until I got burnt and thus learned that NOT everything is positive, not everyone is a good person, there is also quite a bit of ugliness in the world and it's important to face that reality and not attempt to delude oneself into believing otherwise when it's staring you right in the face through their actions as it is here.

That is a one big fat recipe for heartbreak!   And I for one (and others) want to help OP avoid that if possible, not encourage him to continue living in never-never land deluding himself (not that you are doing that).  Just sayin....

Famous quote:

"When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM"!! -- Maya Angelou

 

[MapkycBG]

I would like to thank all of you for your comments. I took my time to read all of them and try to understand them as best I could. There were some that I do not agree with and some with whom I did. 

Overall - the absolutely logical thing would be to pull away, given the fact that I have not received any reciprocation for anything I've done for her since things escalated back in February. 

She is going on a trip out of the country with her mother for a few days. When she comes back, I am planning to have one final conversation with her and try to gain some clarity on both sides of this. 

While putting the conversation on the side, I am not planning to close the doors on her. However, if she again does not provide me even with a small ounce of clarity, I will pull away and.. love her from a distance. But I will prioritize myself. 

I have experienced a lot of heartbreak in my 30 years on this world. People are ugly and don't care one bit how you feel and what you think. I have been cheated on 6 times. To this day I am not sure how my sanity is still intact. Or is it? Haha. 

However, I want to be the difference. I have not made an "idea" of sorts to "fix" her or anything like that. To a certain degree, I understand what she's going through as I've been alone in a time of need, in a time of despair, emotional decay and etc. Absolutely alone. I was abusing alcohol, and weed just to numb the pain away, get the day going, wake up the next day, and repeat the cycle. I am not sure how I escaped that, but I did. 

I see through her everyday mask, through her pain, and as funny as it may sound, I see a scared little kitten hiding in the dark inside of her. I know I can get to her. It requires enormous amounts of patience and understanding. Maybe it will all burn down in flames in the end, maybe not. Maybe she'll get better, but move on without me. Maybe even the best-case scenario of her coming to me fully. 

I'm aware of the risks, the emotional toll on me, and the probability of losing myself by trying to support her. 

Yet, I want to bring her back into the light. She deserves so much. Not that I have any thoughts of doing that, but just as an example - I would gladly give my life, knowing that my life force will get to her and fill her up when she wakes up the next day. 

Again, thank you all. 

[Capricorn3]

OP, it's clear you have made up your mind on what you intend doing.  In that case, there's not much left to say (or advise) other than good luck.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MapkycBG said:

 .I'm aware of the risks, the emotional toll on me, and the probability of losing myself by trying to support her. 

The real problem is her BF and drug use, especially with your history. Your emptiness is your issue. She's not your broken little bird to fix. It's just a project to fill your emptiness. 

[boltnrun]

It's a lot easier to avoid our own issues when we're focusing on someone else's. 

[MissCanuck]

Scared little kitten? 

Boy, OP. You are in too deep in your strange narrative for us to get at you. Have at it, but don't come back here saying we didn't warn you. 

[ShySoul]

On 5/16/2024 at 4:54 PM, MapkycBG said:

I have experienced a lot of heartbreak in my 30 years on this world. People are ugly and don't care one bit how you feel and what you think. I have been cheated on 6 times. To this day I am not sure how my sanity is still intact. Or is it? Haha. 

However, I want to be the difference. I have not made an "idea" of sorts to "fix" her or anything like that. To a certain degree, I understand what she's going through as I've been alone in a time of need, in a time of despair, emotional decay and etc. Absolutely alone

Hey. I understand where you are coming from. I've seen my share of ugliness and shake my head just about everyday at someone's act of selfishness. I'm pretty sure most would think I'm insane for a lot of what I say or think. But if it's insane to still want to see the best in people, insanity isn't all bad, right? 🤪

It's a diffcult and lonely road at times to think this way. But to me it comes down to following your heart and instincts. In the end, you know who you are and what's best for you. No one else is in your specific circumstance or having the same mix of emotions. You have to decide for yourself what is your limit and how much you can take. When you care for someone, it's not as simple as just ending things. There are always a variety of factors at play. Whereas one person can drop someone in a heartbeat, for others it's a long gradual process. The heart has a mind of it's own. 

On 5/16/2024 at 4:54 PM, MapkycBG said:

However, if she again does not provide me even with a small ounce of clarity, I will pull away and.. love her from a distance. But I will prioritize myself. 

That's the best course of action. You can care about and love a person, but it's important to set boundaries, to know when it's too much and unhealthy for you. Give things a chance but know when you've exhausted the possibilities. Feelings can still linger depending on the connection and what happened, but don't let them dictate your acts to a point where it's more harmful for you. One of two things will happen. There's an off chance she'll get herself straightened out in which case not shutting the door could pay off. Most likely you'll find that in time you're feelings will lessen and you'll be able to put things in a better perspective. You shared a special connection, even if it was for just a short time. But you have to do what's best for you first. The rest will play out how it's supposed to.

Whatever happens, I wish you well. 

[ShySoul]

On 5/16/2024 at 3:48 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

SS I know you always like to see the positive in everything, I used to as well.  Until I got burnt and thus learned that NOT everything is positive, not everyone is a good person, there is also quite a bit of ugliness in the world and it's important to face that reality and not attempt to delude oneself into believing otherwise when it's staring you right in the face through their actions as it is here.

I actually call myself a realistic optimist. I've seen plenty of bad people and ugliness. My mother in particular has been hurt more then once, including withing the last couple of months. I've been burnt myself. So I don't see everything as sunshine and love. I plan for the worse. I'm a cautious squirrel always alert for possible danger.

But ironically, that's made me more hopeful and appreciative of the postives. I still hope for the best. I refuse to assume that everything is negative either, that someone is entirely a bad person. People are all a mixture of everything. I think when you've see so much bad you can go two ways. You can start assuming more bad. Or you can redouble the effor to see good even the worse of situations. I prefer to want to believe that no matter the darkness, there can still be a light.

Not saying anyone else isn't seeing light. I'm sure we all want to help in our own way. In this case, going off my own expereince in a similar situation, I can see where it might not be as cut and dry as would appear to most people.

I don't actually think MapkycBG is deluding himself. I think he's holding onto some hope (which is natural when you have feelings for someone), while acknowledging the full breadth of what she is like. He is seeing both the good and the bad in her. He's willing to work through the bad to bring out the good, but also willing to stop things if she is unable to hold up her end. Feels like a mature attitude to me.