Contradictory feelings about my girlfriend's martial arts

[black24]

I have a girlfriend that I really love. I think she is amazing both in terms of personality and looks. I feel lucky to have to her.
There is one thing on my mind though and I don't feel I can really talk about it either with her or with my friends. She is very much into martial arts and she holds an advanced black belt and both practices that and teaches self defence several times a week. On one hand, think that is great: I admire her and it's a very good skill to have, very impressive and even kind of sexy. But on the other hand I also feel embarrassed that she can easily kick my ass. I know I probably shouldn't feel that way and I am not quite sure why I do, but I suppose it's has something to do with me being a guy and both taller and physically stronger than her (at least upper body). I also get some comments and jokes from friends etc about it.

Any thoughts on how to tackle this?

[Jaunty]

It's just about your own self esteem.  Any strengths your girlfriend possesses are not a negative reflection upon you, even if they surpass your own strengths in certain areas.

Don't give any head space to lame gender stereotypes like what is behind your uneasiness here.  

If SHE needed to be with a guy who could kick HER ass, well ... that would probably make a difference (and be concerning).  But this isn't the case.   She is with YOU and she has superior martial arts skills than you.   That's just fine!

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, black24 said:

. She is very much into martial arts and she holds an advanced black belt and both practices that and teaches self defence several times a week. On one hand, think that is great: I admire her and it's a very good skill to have, 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is she? How is your relationship otherwise?

If you can't be supportive of her sports and achievements maybe you could reflect on the machismo and ego to understand your own insecurities.  This is clearly a "you" issues not her issue so you've got some work to do. 

Are you good at any sports or hobbies? That could be a place to start. 

 

M

[catfeeder]

I understand. I had a long relationship with an electronics engineer while I sucked at math. He tutored me through college classes and helped to build my confidence beyond what I could have imagined.

So maybe think in terms less adversarial? You have this fabulous expert on YOUR side, and she loves to teach. Why not see what you can learn from her, and then maybe your guy friends will straighten up and fly right.

[smackie9]

In time the teasing will resolve itself and your feelings about it will disappear. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I understand. I had a long relationship with an electronics engineer while I sucked at math. He tutored me through college classes and helped to build my confidence beyond what I could have imagined.

So maybe think in terms less adversarial? You have this fabulous expert on YOUR side, and she loves to teach. Why not see what you can learn from her, and then maybe your guy friends will straighten up and fly right.

I agree.  There always will be people like this who make comments like that - and consider how awesome it is that your girlfriend is that much safer from the risks of being attacked - she must feel less vulnerable/at risk out there in the world.  I'd simply acknowledge the lame comments and move along like "oh -yes -I suppose so - anyway - (change subject).  

What your girlfriend is doing and has accomplished is so very impressive IMHO.  

[HeartGoesOn]

5 hours ago, black24 said:

Any thoughts on how to tackle this? 

I'm not sure what you are trying to tackle.  It doesn't appear she's trying to act superior, etc, towards you.  

In short, rather than seeing this as a problem, focus on her good points, and show her you're proud of her.

[sunday_luthier]

This strength and competence she has is something to be proud of, not something that should be a problem.  Embrace it.

Maybe the problem isn't that she could kick your ass in a fight, but that you feel you don't have a hobby or activity in which you are as competent as she is with her martial arts (?)

[yogacat]

Funny. My ex was a built, martial artist who could kick butt! One time we were play wrestling and I accidentally got his neck in an arm lock and I did it harder than intended. He panicked and pulled out some cool moves to get me off... And then kissed me. 🙂 But anyways,

Advice? Get over it and embrace it! Your girlfriend is a badass who knows how to defend herself. That's something to be proud of. It doesn't make you any less of a man or any less attractive. In fact, it shows that you have great taste in women. 

[LootieTootie]

It sounds like you're torn about your gf's martial art skills. One side of you, you're proud of her. But the other side of you, you feel unmasculine. I would suggest you do some self-reflection because this is a 'you' problem. What makes you feel insecure about her martial art accomplishments and skills? Do these insecure feelings tie in to your mood, your confidence, your anxieties with friends, and your self-being? Do you love your girlfriend enough to work thru these insecurities? 

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

On 5/4/2024 at 1:42 PM, black24 said:

Any thoughts on how to tackle this?

You appreciate it! That's what you do.  Appreciate that maybe your girlfriend can avoid getting assaulted, along with her friend(s) she may be with.  Watch Fear the Night!

My buddy is a doctor who only works here and there to maintain her license because she has 5 boys, two of whom have special needs, and the hubs can support them easily, she has a black belt, and takes two of her boys to classes.  I think you should consider big picture; do you need someone you don't love, but can't fend for herself?  I think you should ignore your jealous friends when they give you grief about it.  

My best advice would be to grow up, and value the total package.  Don't listen to your dummy friends picking on you.

[Batya33]

On 5/4/2024 at 1:42 PM, black24 said:

She is very much into martial arts and she holds an advanced black belt and both practices that and teaches self defence several times a week

Also I think she deserves someone who admires and respects her achievements since she is so into it.

[Coily]

There is a simple solution,  one that isn't going to belittle your feelings, ask her to teach you. 

It will show her that you respect what she can do, and gets you up to par on your normal feelings of being a young  virile man. Or if that's not for you, learn a different discipline of martial arts.

[black24]

On 5/4/2024 at 7:58 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is she? How is your relationship otherwise?

If you can't be supportive of her sports and achievements maybe you could reflect on the machismo and ego to understand your own insecurities.  This is clearly a "you" issues not her issue so you've got some work to do. 

Are you good at any sports or hobbies? That could be a place to start. 

 

M

Thanks for answering. We have been together for a year soon. We are both in our 20's but she is a couple of years younger than me. 

I do support her achievements in martial arts. I don't want her to stop and I very much admire her skills, talent and dedication. And yes I know it is a "me" issue and guess it has probably something to do with my ego and some insecurities...

[black24]

On 5/4/2024 at 8:36 PM, catfeeder said:

I understand. I had a long relationship with an electronics engineer while I sucked at math. He tutored me through college classes and helped to build my confidence beyond what I could have imagined.

So maybe think in terms less adversarial? You have this fabulous expert on YOUR side, and she loves to teach. Why not see what you can learn from her, and then maybe your guy friends will straighten up and fly right.

Yes I wouldn't mind learning at least a little from her. So yea, maybe asking her to teach me some would be a good idea...

[black24]

On 5/5/2024 at 12:03 AM, smackie9 said:

In time the teasing will resolve itself and your feelings about it will disappear. 

Hopefully. It's taking more time than I thought though.

[black24]

On 5/5/2024 at 1:11 AM, Batya33 said:

I agree.  There always will be people like this who make comments like that - and consider how awesome it is that your girlfriend is that much safer from the risks of being attacked - she must feel less vulnerable/at risk out there in the world.  I'd simply acknowledge the lame comments and move along like "oh -yes -I suppose so - anyway - (change subject).  

What your girlfriend is doing and has accomplished is so very impressive IMHO.  

Thanks. And yes it really does feel good to know that she is less vulnerable and could defend herself in most situations. And I agree is very impressive. I try to not let those kinds of comments bother me and mostly I just joke a bit about it and/or point out that it is actually a very good thing (that she has these skills and training). 

[black24]

On 5/5/2024 at 10:45 AM, sunday_luthier said:

This strength and competence she has is something to be proud of, not something that should be a problem.  Embrace it.

Maybe the problem isn't that she could kick your ass in a fight, but that you feel you don't have a hobby or activity in which you are as competent as she is with her martial arts (?)

You are definitely right that it is something that I should be proud of – and I am.

Well I am quite good and talented at several things, though not really when it comes to sports. That doesn't bother me though. I am in good shape and health and work out regularly. But my real strengths as a person are more towards my profession and work. 

[black24]

On 5/5/2024 at 10:40 PM, yogacat said:

Funny. My ex was a built, martial artist who could kick butt! One time we were play wrestling and I accidentally got his neck in an arm lock and I did it harder than intended. He panicked and pulled out some cool moves to get me off... And then kissed me. 🙂 But anyways,

Advice? Get over it and embrace it! Your girlfriend is a badass who knows how to defend herself. That's something to be proud of. It doesn't make you any less of a man or any less attractive. In fact, it shows that you have great taste in women. 

Thanks for saying that.
And I actually enjoy play wrestling with her, even though she is way too skilled for me. Almost every time I feel I might be on the verge of overpowering her she pulls some move or technique and turns the tables on me. It's very cool and impressive. But yea it can feel embarrassing too. Working on getting over that though.

[black24]

On 5/6/2024 at 12:26 AM, LootieTootie said:

It sounds like you're torn about your gf's martial art skills. One side of you, you're proud of her. But the other side of you, you feel unmasculine. I would suggest you do some self-reflection because this is a 'you' problem. What makes you feel insecure about her martial art accomplishments and skills? Do these insecure feelings tie in to your mood, your confidence, your anxieties with friends, and your self-being? Do you love your girlfriend enough to work thru these insecurities? 

 

 

Yes that's true. I am very proud of her and I think her martial arts skills are very cool. But yes I suppose it makes me feel a bit "insecure" as a man. Exactly what it is I don't know. But I think it has to do with her being my girlfriend and also very "feminine" and at the same time so much better than me at fighting and wrestling. But yes I do love her enough to work through these feelings.

[black24]

On 5/6/2024 at 6:42 PM, Batya33 said:

Also I think she deserves someone who admires and respects her achievements since she is so into it.

I very much admire and respect her achievements and talent. I think she is amazing.