sunday_luthier

Have we been dating the same woman? You can read my story It has taken me almost 3 years to realise that my relationship was completely bonkers, event though close friends and the helpful people on this forum were trying to pry my eyes open. All I can say is what I was told. Narcissist or not, you need to get the hell out of there.

Wow, I had not thought of that... I admit I dread the small practical matters we still have to address (there's some stuff of mine still at her house, we had a vacation planned together this summer for which we had paid a deposit...). I should get these matters done with quickly, I guess...

10 months since.... My therapist warned me "this relationship might not be right for you" but I kept going. More ups and downs. I was addicted to the ups. They were emotional and sexual bliss. The downs were devastating and confusing. Arguments, silent treatment, snappy attitude. And then me making grand gestures (restaurants, trips,...) to keep the peace and make her happy. Last time was a month ago. She had a bad day and was taking it out on me. I told her, without raising my voice "I get it, you had a bad day, but don't snap at me". Silent treatment. How DARE I stand up for myself. We were supposed to go back to my place for dinner and to spend the night. I told her "I'm driving you home, I want peace. We can talk about it tomorrow" More silent treatment. A week goes by. No apology. Then she wants to talk. I say ok, come over. I try to kiss her, she turns away and says "I don't think I can trust you anymore" and continues acting distant. A few days go by, including the day before my birthday. I see her that day. She doesn't bring up the fact that it's my birthday tomorrow. I bring it up and ask her if by any chance she had planned anything. She says no, she didn't feel like it because of our "argument". She tells me "just decide what you want to do and keep me posted, it's your birthday after all...". I'm dumbfounded I decide on my birthday that I'd rather spend the evening with people who actually respect and like me. So I go out to dinner with my parents. Two days later (last Saturday) I told her I'm done. She cries, begs, screams that I am selfish, that I never loved her, that I took advantage of her, that I never made room for her in my life, that I'm probably gay, that I will never again find another woman like her, and that she has no reason to stay in this world.

I have an appointment with a therapist on thursday. I obviously can't see the situation as clearly as everyone around me does. I hope this will help me. We got into a big discussion this weekend. I thought it went great, very mature and respectful.... Except I ended up apologizing and taking her out to dinner. And she told me she was naive before to think that I was too nice to ever cause her pain. But that, in time, she would find something positive from this experience. Of course, she's been distant since. I feel pretty ashamed writing this on this forum. I'm sure I've been played once again

My GF never hid the fact that she has a history of ex-friends who have bluntly told her they were going no contact on her. Of course, she made it seem like they were the unreasonable ones.

I'm beginning to see things more clearly. Everyone I talk to about my situation is on the same page. One of my best friends (who is a woman) told me her behaviour is so obvious that, from an outside perspective, it's laughable. This friend also told me that, knowing my personality, I would cave in as soon as the tears would start flowing when I tell her I want to end the whole thing. I'm not sure I'll find the strength. But yes, that's on me. Thank you all for your responses.

About that last anecdote, she apologized the next day, said she had had a major mood downer and had left her house to take a drive and try to calm herself. That's also why I let her off the hook. She always apologizes profusely and treats with great affection afterwards.

She takes many meds, on a daily basis. She is very organised and consistent with her meds, but has been reducing her dosage lately, as suggested by her doctor. She won't hear of going to a therapist.

Yes, these anecdotes are numerous, but that particular one was the worst. And yes abous the empowering feeling of making her better, and the sex, and her incredibly affectionate personnality when she's stable. The reason I put up with her shenanigans is because I (wrongfully) believe that this is my way of showing her compassion and support. I want her to feel understood, but in the end, it's helping neither of us.

Another anecdote : One day, I needed to drive my kids to their aunt's house for a weekend stay. It was a one hour drive. I told my GF that I'd spend the evening with her, that we'd order food when I got back. I drive the kids. Their aunt asks me if I want to stay for dinner. I tell her no, I have other plans. I kiss the kids goodbye, hurry back to my car and start driving home. I call her and ask her if she had any thoughts about where she wanted to order food. She got all cold and said "whatever, did we even plan to see each other?" I tell her yes, but then she says she doesn't feel like it. So I figure that's fine, no big deal. And while I'm on the road, and since my brother is in town with his kids, I figure I'll call them up and see if they want to eat together. Before I get a chance to call him, my GF calls me back, says "fine, you can come over". Just as I'm entering her street, I see her car's not there. And I receive a text saying "I'm not home. Goodnight"..... Too late to make any other plans. I went back to my place and ate by myself.

Wow, that description is exactly what triggered me to stand up and tell her I needed space. Basically, she texted to ask me how I was doing and what I had been up to the day before (I was at home by myself). I told her was doing fine, I had done some gardening, cleared some things I wanted to get rid of in the basement, worked on a little guitar project and ordered some delicious thaï food, and was pretty happy about my day. She pretty much responded by saying that we're obviously not on the same wave length, that she was miserable and lonely (although I know her daughter was with her that day), and that I was clearly not making our relationship a priority.

I've posted about my relationship before on this forum. We're about to reach our second anniversary, but today, I requested we take a break from each other and now feel absolutely awful about it. My case : I'm a pretty positive guy. I like my jobs, I play in a couple of bands, enjoy taking walks, have two daughters (part time). I don't need a relationship, but fell in love with one of my bandmates and we've been dating for almost two years. She never kept her depression a secret. She has good days and bad. She can be incredibly affectionate and kind and loving, but on her off days, she can be dismissive and cold. I have taken on the role of caretaker for her when she's down (which is often). I really thought I could get used to her depression and not let it affect me. But it has taken a toll on my mental health. I feel her depression is making her a bit selfish, like she needs to be the center of attention. But I have my kids, my hobbies. It's gotten to a point where I'm pretty confident that if we have time to ourselves, she'll be sweet, kind and a very loving partner. But as soon as I go back to my family or hobbies, or simply because I want to spend time alone, she's resentful and needy. I feel like I'm spending most of my time feeling guilty, inadequate or pressured into making her a priority (which I feel she has been, but not to her standards). She also sends mixed signals all the time, contradicting herself, complaining that I'm not making plans to move in together, then saying she likes her independance, complaining that I don't talk about certain topics, then shutting me down when I do, complaining that I don't invite her to my house, but always declining when I do (or in a hurry to leave). I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. Time away from her feels like a breath of fresh air but then the guilt seeps in. Today was the latest text of "we don't spend enough time together, I never know how you feel, I've been suffering for weeks, I don't know where this relationship is going..." I (gently) snapped. I texted her that these kinds of statements made be feel like I would never be able to satisfy her, that we should talk about it face to face, but that I felt the need to take a step back. She answered "fine, take your step back". I showed our most recent text exchange to one of my closest friends, who called her crazy and suggested I run away. But I feel terrible and guilty, like I hurt an already wounded soul.

Standing by or continuing to pursue her will only push her away. I think it was already a mistake to ask her how she felt about you. Just tell her jokingly she'll be missing out on the time of her life. Keep it light-hearted and let her know you're fine with her decision to stop dating. If she's really into you, she'll come around. Until then, make no new attempt to contact her.

Thank you for all the reactions and input. We are doing better now, taking baby steps, not rushing anything. We've had some good talks since. When I read my first posts, I am a bit ashamed at how I presented my girlfriend. Yes, there were difficult times, but she is definitely not the selfish shrew I realize I made her out to be. My eldest daughter and she have started bonding and joking around. I am inviting my GF over less when my kids are around, but the times she comes over are more fun. Baby steps... Cheers,

As it has been said. She is doing exactly what she is paid and trained to do. And it's not just a question of tipping. She is bringing in customers and making them want to come back. She is good at her job. Period.

I don't think that wanting a relationship and wanting freedom are incompatible, and freedom doesn't mean he wants to look elsewhere and see other people. He might simply be someone who cherishes and needs his alone time. That doesn't mean he is not invested in the relationship, but it does mean that marriage and talking about a future together will freak him out.

Ok, so maybe it is psychobabble, but I think he's got a dismissive attachment style. He's under the impression that by commiting himself to a relationship, he's losing his freedom. He behaves like true boyfriend material, and is probably super available and helpful and caring, but doesn't necessarily expect you to care for him the way he cares for you, as it would mean that he is not as independent as he wants you to believe he is. Having a dismissive attachment style is not an "issue". It's a type of attachment style that can be dealt with. If this is the case ( and I don't want to give false hope or anything), he will come to realize that he misses you. I think you should respect his request for space, but if he comes back towards you, and if YOU want to pursue this relationship (and it would certainly be understandable if you didn't), it would probably reassure him if you did it very casually, and by insisting you're okay with things going very slowly. Assuming this would be acceptable to you, of course.

His wife left with his best friend a year ago. There is no way he is past that, despite what he says. I would not necessarily say he's a jerk, but he is probably indeed very confused about his feelings. He is not in a healthy state of mind to act with you the way he does and then make excuses. Do not cling to him.

I read the whole thing. Very interesting read. You are hurt, and your depression and anxiety are making you act in a self destructive manner, pushing people away and isolating you. I have never suffered from depression, but I have been around people who do. To be very blunt (moreso than I would probably dare to be if we were face to face), your response to some comments on this topic have been that of a drama queen. It would be tempting to tell you to "cut the crap", but your reactions simply show that your depression has you in a headlock. Your wish to keep contact with your love interest for reassurance and to stay in his life (well, actually for him to stay in YOUR life) is completely counterproductive and a huge turnoff. Again, it's your depression making decisions for you. I think that online tests about attachment styles are actually very interesting, if only to teach yourself to pull away from your thoughts and try to observe them from a distance and with a critical mind. But as it has been said, your condition requires more than self diagnosis. As someone who suffers from different forms of anxiety (including in my own current relationship), it has taken me way too long to learn the value of sleep. If you don't catch you Z's, you simply cannot feel good about yourself. Lack of sleep will make your mind wander all over the place and exhaust you, make you feel anxious, overwhelmed and make you want to stay up... It's a cycle. I wish you the very best.

As someone who also has suffered and still does from social anxiety, and as someone who tends to value my independence and fears talking about my needs, feelings, in my relationship, I often tend to bottle things up, interpret things and get paranoid about my partner's attitudes, moods, comments, etc... I thought there was something "wrong" with me, but this is not entirely true. I think it's interesting to try to understand the attachment style you have (possibly https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-dismissive-avoidant-attachment-5218213). The fear you have about talking to your parents about your fears really could explain some of your behaviours. You are not responsible for your emotions, but your are responsible for your actions. By understanding how your mind works and sometimes "tricks" you, you can take a step back and make little adjustments in your actions. You're halfway there, since you realize yourself that you have a tendency for passive agressive actions.

Don't ASK her what she thinks of you. That in itself is a turn-off. Tell her what you WANT, which is to take her out on a date, on a specific day, at a specific place.

So we had a good telephone conversation today. She admitted the message she sent me was uncalled for and clumsy, and that she would work on not being so needy. I admitted that I did nothing constructive by reacting to her anger with even more anger, and that the needs she (clumsily) expressed were legitimate. We both have custodies that don't leave us much time together, so we agreed we needed to work on being more organized and better at planning those times in advance. I looked up the push-pull method DarkChOcO mentionned, which led me to research the different attachment styles. I recognized my self in the description of the dismissive avoidant, which gave me some clues as to what I need to improve. She was happy with our conversation and asked me to come over for dinner tomorrow evening. Baby steps....

We have gone on vacation all together twice and things went pretty well. I asked my daughters what they think of her and if they mind if she comes over. They said they don't mind doing stuff with her, like go to the park, a restaurant or a concert, which we've also done. But when I talk about inviting her at home for meals, they're uncomfortable and ask if it's really necessary... My eldest also told me "you're going to invite her anyway no matter what I think". That's when I stopped inviting her.

... so basically, my relationship is that of a guy with anxiety dating a girl with depression.

My gut's been telling me something's iffy from the start. The minute I kissed her for the first time, I asked myself "what the *** are you getting into?" But I have been diagnosed with several forms of anxiety. I know I tend to interpret things, especially when it comes to interactions with others, in my relationship, in the workplace, etc... My gut is not to be trusted 😉