Should I just give up on finding a girlfriend since I have a rape fantasy?

[NoNameHere]

For Proper Context:

I've been having rape fantasies about various women I'd consider attractive since I was thirteen. Don't really know why. I don't have some deep hatred for women like I'm forced to assume many actual rapists have, but my fantasies of violating them still persist. I'm currently nineteen, turning twenty this September, and have failed every effort I've made to repress them without therapy. In other news, I've also never had a girlfriend since my social skills are awful and, speaking bluntly, I'm kind of a pansy regarding girls I'm into. I'm too worried about making myself appear idiotic to take a chance with flirting. But I'm also forced to wonder if my rape fantasy issues are a sign that I shouldn't pursue dating/sex at all. I'm not tempted to actually rape anyone, but I still think their overall presence makes some unsavory implications about my mental state. Especially since I come from a family where most of the women have been sexually abused during their youth. I've seen the long-term impact that kinda thing can have. It's not pretty. And if(by some miracle)I ever did find a girlfriend, I think I'd feel obligated to tell her about this if we got serious. Can't imagine many girls wanting to stay with me after that. I'm already a socially inept Autist who's best chance at dating is likely finding a partner with low self-esteem. This feels like it'd most likely create a wider array of issues, frankly.

[ShySoul]

There is a difference between fantasy and reality. Thinking something does not mean you are actually going to do it. Given that you are too worried to even flirt with women, I'm thinking it's highly unlikely you would turn that fantasy into reality. You've also seen first hand the impact such an act can have on a women, so you really aren't likely to do it.

I don't think repressing something is the best strategy. When you repress you are just holding it down, not actually dealing with it. Eventually it will come back. The key is to figure out why you have the fantasy in the first place. Rape tends to be about power. In your case, I don't think it's physical power or any kind of issue with your mental state. I think you feel a lack of confidence and control in your life. You repeatedly put yourself down, think no girl could like you. So in your fantasy you go the opposite way. You have the control, you have the power. It's an outlet for the fustrations you feel from your everyday life. But because you know how damaging the real act is, you feel guilty over it. So it's a tug of war going on inside you.

Focus on your own self esteem. Build confidence with yourself by concentrating on your strengths and things you are good at. That will help you in general.

And know there are women who have those fantasies to. It doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong with them either. As long as it stays a fantasy or a consensual, safe roleplay, then it's just a kink a person is into. It's when it becomes a real, non consensual act that it turns into the deplorable thing that it is.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, NoNameHere said:

have failed every effort I've made to repress them without therapy

To clarify, have you never been to therapy? 

[NoNameHere]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

To clarify, have you never been to therapy? 

Not for this issue, no.

[MissCanuck]

19 minutes ago, NoNameHere said:

Not for this issue, no.

I think that's where you need to start. 

It's a serious enough matter that a professional should help you. 

[boltnrun]

Do your fantasies involve the women being terrified, frightened, horrified, crying and begging for you to stop while you violently and painfully violate them? Or is it more just a slightly rough, fast act?

[NoNameHere]

50 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do your fantasies involve the women being terrified, frightened, horrified, crying and begging for you to stop while you violently and painfully violate them? Or is it more just a slightly rough, fast act?

I'm not really into causing severe physical harm, if that's what you mean. The most violence I use during my fantasies is just to subdue them. But they are usually still begging me to stop and showing clear signs of not wanting sex.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, NoNameHere said:

. I'm already a socially inept Autist who's best chance at dating is likely finding a partner with low self-esteem. This feels like it'd most likely create a wider array of issues, frankly.

Sorry this is happening.  Are you watching a lot of violent porn? 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a neurologist for help with the ASD. Also ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

With some guidance and professional support you could improve social skills and any disturbing obsessions. 

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, NoNameHere said:

I'm not really into causing severe physical harm, if that's what you mean. The most violence I use during my fantasies is just to subdue them. But they are usually still begging me to stop and showing clear signs of not wanting sex.

Maybe you can continue the fantasy beyond viciously attacking the woman. Imagine her sobbing afterward, bleeding and bruised. Then imagine getting arrested, tried and convicted. Fantasize about being sent to prison and having a very large man as your "celly" who doesn't like men who attack women. Also imagine your face being splashed all over the local news. Imagine your family being humiliated and ashamed.

Maybe that would kill your fantasies. 

I agree, schedule an appointment with a therapist who specializes in violent fetishes. They can help you overcome these fantasies. 

[smackie9]

I get it you want roll playing which is fine. There are ways to play it safe with safe words, setting boundaries, etc. You are not some psychopath or have mental issues there are fetishes that people just have anywhere from playing with balloons to whips and chains. As long as it's consensual, and have a set trust with one another you are good to go. There are kink websites/kink dating apps available for such purposes to seek out others who enjoy these activities. Many go on a few dates first to see if you are compatible/like each other to get into it. Best of luck in your search. 

[NoNameHere]

On 4/25/2024 at 9:05 AM, boltnrun said:

Maybe you can continue the fantasy beyond viciously attacking the woman. Imagine her sobbing afterward, bleeding and bruised. Then imagine getting arrested, tried and convicted. Fantasize about being sent to prison and having a very large man as your "celly" who doesn't like men who attack women. Also imagine your face being splashed all over the local news. Imagine your family being humiliated and ashamed.

Maybe that would kill your fantasies. 

I agree, schedule an appointment with a therapist who specializes in violent fetishes. They can help you overcome these fantasies. 

That might be some of the worst advice I've ever heard.

[LotusBlack]

Is there a chance they could be obsessive intrusive thoughts? When I was younger, because I have severe emetaphobia (fear of nausea and vomiting) my mind used to ruminate on the most vile things because I was so afraid of being sick that that’s all I could think about. My mind would throw image upon image of the most horrific massacres, etc. - the stuff of nightmares that would induce anyone to nausea, and I couldn’t escape the thoughts. I didn’t actually want to imagine those scenes by any stretch and it mostly only got to me when I was away from my home because that’s when I would become most anxious with my phobia (being outside = no control of my environment). 

With a lot of time and hard work, I was able to get out of that situation and function pretty well back in the world again. All this to say that sometimes when you’re worried or afraid of something, your kind can zero in on it with a fierce focus that sometimes has you questioning yourself. Due to your experience of seeing women in your family and life being abused/assaulted do you think perhaps you are afraid you might be the same and so your mind is playing tricks on you/ruminating on that which it is afraid of?

In any case, I would seek therapy from a licensed psychologist who specialises in trauma and behavioural issues to help get to the root of why you fantasise about taking control of women in a violent non-consensual way. You may yet have a happy relationship based on love, respect, and consensual intimacy with the right kind of guidance and help. 

Best of luck, OP!

[yogacat]

Quote

Should I just give up on finding a girlfriend since I have a rape fantasy?

Not necessarily. But, usually when we have fantasies of overpowering others, such as with a rape fantasy, it is not about the sex or harm but about being able to control an outcome in our own minds. In other words, we feel a sense of power and control that we may not possess in everyday life, so we imagine it in our fantasies.

It does not necessarily mean you will act on it or that you have any malicious intent towards women. It isn't the act itself, it's a lack of control over much of anything and so you imagine that you do have control in one aspect of your life.

It is "a call to the heroic: an expression of identity." (Dylan Ryan - parliamentary debate champion) 

Work with a good therapist to find other ways to feel powerful or assert control (such as learning to set simpler goals and achieving them), to cultivate REAL feelings of spontaneity, and to assert your views more often so you don't feel that you must keep them bottled inside until there is an imbalance of sorts.

[ShySoul]

14 hours ago, NoNameHere said:

That might be some of the worst advice I've ever heard.

I have a feeling that was sarcastic advice. 😉

The fact that you said this though again shows me that you aren't a bad person and really have no intention of living these fantasies out. Even in the fantasy, you aren't willing to go too far. It's not about harming the woman. It's an outlet for the sense of helplessness and lack of control you feel in your own life. Sexually you lean dominant. That's fine. It's not something wrong with you that needs to be cured with professional help. It's an aspect of your natural personality that you need to come to terms with instead of rejecting or repressing. 

The bigger issue here is your feelings about yourself. You need to focus more on your strengths, see and lean into the good qualities you have. You need to concentrate your energy into doing the things you love and make you happy instead of spending it on negative thoughts and attacking yourself. What counts most isn't what others think of us, it's what we think of ourselves. As long as you continue to believe your not worthy of having someone, you won't. Believe in yourself though, and there I'm sure there is an awesome person that will come out and blow everyone away.

[NoNameHere]

On 4/29/2024 at 1:14 AM, ShySoul said:

I have a feeling that was sarcastic advice. 😉

The fact that you said this though again shows me that you aren't a bad person and really have no intention of living these fantasies out. Even in the fantasy, you aren't willing to go too far. It's not about harming the woman. It's an outlet for the sense of helplessness and lack of control you feel in your own life. Sexually you lean dominant. That's fine. It's not something wrong with you that needs to be cured with professional help. It's an aspect of your natural personality that you need to come to terms with instead of rejecting or repressing. 

The bigger issue here is your feelings about yourself. You need to focus more on your strengths, see and lean into the good qualities you have. You need to concentrate your energy into doing the things you love and make you happy instead of spending it on negative thoughts and attacking yourself. What counts most isn't what others think of us, it's what we think of ourselves. As long as you continue to believe your not worthy of having someone, you won't. Believe in yourself though, and there I'm sure there is an awesome person that will come out and blow everyone away.

Thanks for the kind words, but I'm quite sure you wouldn't be saying such supportive things if you knew me in real life. Whatever good qualities I've got are typically outweighed by the bad ones. Namely me being incompetent, even when it comes to activities I'm passionate about.

[NoNameHere]

On 4/25/2024 at 8:55 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  Are you watching a lot of violent porn? 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a neurologist for help with the ASD. Also ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

With some guidance and professional support you could improve social skills and any disturbing obsessions. 

I do tend to watch violent porn, yeah. But I've had these fantasies since before I really knew what porn was and had only the most rudimentary understanding of sex, so I don't know how much the porn itself comes into play here.

[catfeeder]

On 4/25/2024 at 8:15 AM, NoNameHere said:

On 4/25/2024 at 4:03 AM, MissCanuck said:

To clarify, have you never been to therapy? 

Not for this issue, no.

Why not? Don't you think that pursuing help from someone who is trained in this area and owns the expertise to work with you would be a more valuable use of your time than tinkering with a bunch of Internet strangers?

[NoNameHere]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Why not? Don't you think that pursuing help from someone who is trained in this area and owns the expertise to work with you would be a more valuable use of your time than tinkering with a bunch of Internet strangers?

Mostly because I'm still dependent enough on my family thanks to my social issues that I'd most likely need their help finding a therapist and, if I asked them for help, they'd undoubtedly want to know why I was looking for one. I don't think it takes a lot of explanation why I don't want to tell my family about this problem. That can't really end well for me.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 4/25/2024 at 6:39 AM, NoNameHere said:

I'm not really into causing severe physical harm, if that's what you mean. The most violence I use during my fantasies is just to subdue them. But they are usually still begging me to stop and showing clear signs of not wanting sex.

In your fantasy, how does what's in bold make you feel?  Powerful?  In Control?  Strong and Confident?

If so, given what's quoted below, it sounds like your fantasies may be your way of feeling the power, control, confidence you lack in your REAL life interactions.  It's understandable imo. 

On 4/24/2024 at 10:33 PM, NoNameHere said:

I've also never had a girlfriend since my social skills are awful and, speaking bluntly, I'm kind of a pansy regarding girls I'm into. I'm too worried about making myself appear idiotic to take a chance with flirting.

My suggestion would be to see a therapist to determine why you feel so powerless in your real life interactions.  And to learn healthy ways of gaining some of that control back in your real life and building confidence.  You can tell your parents this, you don't have to mention anything about the fantasy.  

Once you do that, these fantasies may lessen in their degree of violence (and rape IS violent no question).  

That said, there is nothing wrong or bad about these types of fantasies imo, and there are women who may have the same fantasy (about being subdued and overpowered sexually) but who are otherwise emotionally and mentally healthy and capable of having healthy relationships.

So don't beat yourself up too much about it.  Find out the root cause and again if it's due to a lack of control and power (within yourself) in your real life interactions, work with your therapist to find healthier ways to take some of that control back and build confidence. 

Then, go find a girlfriend you can trust and together you can discuss your fantasies and perhaps even play them out occasionally on some level as long as it's mutual.
 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, NoNameHere said:

Mostly because I'm still dependent enough on my family thanks to my social issues that I'd most likely need their help finding a therapist and, if I asked them for help, they'd undoubtedly want to know why I was looking for one. 

That's ok. You can see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health, get some tests done and ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist.

Your parents don't go have to know anything because everything you discuss with any healthcare provider is strictly private and confidential.  Just the tell them you're going for a checkup for the ASD and your doc is better for recommending a therapist than your parents would be. 

Please hold off on trying to date or look for a GF until you have your obsessions and anxiety under control. It's not fair or even feasible to indulge this right now. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, NoNameHere said:

Mostly because I'm still dependent enough on my family thanks to my social issues that I'd most likely need their help finding a therapist and, if I asked them for help, they'd undoubtedly want to know why I was looking for one. I don't think it takes a lot of explanation why I don't want to tell my family about this problem. That can't really end well for me.

How were you able to see a therapist before?

Are you in school? If so, ask for a referral from a school counselor. You are allowed to keep your reasons confidential, and if you doubt that, you can extract that agreement from the counselor prior to discussing anything you don't want to discuss.

Sp your parents would know nothing beyond the fact that your counselor recommends that you see XYZ therapist. You can research the recommendation via the Internet prior to raising it with your parents to ensure that nothing specific about this therapist's specialty is public knowledge.

[ShySoul]

On 5/1/2024 at 8:10 PM, NoNameHere said:

Thanks for the kind words, but I'm quite sure you wouldn't be saying such supportive things if you knew me in real life. Whatever good qualities I've got are typically outweighed by the bad ones. Namely me being incompetent, even when it comes to activities I'm passionate about.

Of course I'd be saying these things if a knew you in real life. As someone who has always been harder on themselves then anyone else, I've spent far too much time saying similar things to myself as you do. I've beat myself up over and over on being stupid and foolish. I've convinced myself I would fail at things to the point I did fail. And I've questioned why anyone would love, me, especially a women. I get how you feel. But I also know that all those times I was wrong, just as you are wrong about being incompetent. You are a good person, worthy of so much love. You have strengths and skills, you just have to look deep and find it within you. 

I have a feeling if I knew you in person, I'd likely be drawn to you and more supportive. I'm drawn to someone more modest who might need a little confidence boost. You actually seem like a good person to me, just wish you could see it for yourself.

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So don't beat yourself up too much about it.  Find out the root cause and again if it's due to a lack of control and power (within yourself) in your real life interactions, work with your therapist to find healthier ways to take some of that control back and build confidence.

Agreed. Fantasies, particularly sexual ones, tend to be outlets for things we feel are missing in our day to day life. If you can find a healthy way to gain that confidence and control in your life, that should help with these thoughts. And again, there is nothing wrong with having a fantasy and even playing it out in a safe, consenual partnership.