My Parents are Forcing Me to Break Up

[Hatsuri]

I know I seriously messed up, but I’m conflicted. My parents recently put me on punishment for about a month because of my conversation with my boyfriend. To sum it all up, I had mentioned how I was a burden to my mother, mentioned she should’ve aborted me to make her life easier, said that children are used to get money (both parents had to pay child support to my Grandma when I lived with her), and some dark stuff I will not mention here. They decided to take away my electronics, put me on punishment, told me my summer will be spent in therapy and nothing else, and that I have to break up with my boyfriend. Here’s where I need help: I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether or not to follow my head and break up with him because I know I messed up or follow my heart and keep him hidden. I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t want to get in more trouble. I’m so conflicted

[Andrina]

How old are you? How long have you been with your boyfriend? Do your parents not like him, or do they think you can't make decisions wisely to be in a romantic relationship?

You're under their roof, so you will have to accept their punishment. Most young guys will lose interest in a gf they can't communicate with nor see for an entire month, so unfortunately, that problem might be out of your hands, even if you don't do the breaking up yourself.

[Hatsuri]

6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

How old are you? How long have you been with your boyfriend? Do your parents not like him, or do they think you can't make decisions wisely to be in a romantic relationship?

You're under their roof, so you will have to accept their punishment. Most young guys will lose interest in a gf they can't communicate with nor see for an entire month, so unfortunately, that problem might be out of your hands, even if you don't do the breaking up yourself.

I’m a freshman in high school. They don’t particularly like him for a few things, but my mother told me before she wants me to live my own life without her making the decision for me. I’ve been with him for 1 year.

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Hatsuri said:

 my summer will be spent in therapy and nothing else, and that I have to break up with my boyfriend. 

Therapy is a great idea. This way you can confide in a professional privately and confidentiality without trashing your family to friends. Please make the best of it. If you continue to sneak around with your BF you're facing more trouble. 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

Am I understanding correctly that what happened here is: you had this conversation with your boyfriend over an electronic device, your parents then went through your conversations, and their conclusion from what they read is that you can no longer have devices, must attend therapy, and have to end your relationship? 

If that's the case, what I want to say is: You did not actually mess up. You expressed sharp, complicated feelings to someone you trust. That is essential not only to being a teenager but being a human being. Once upon a time, before there were smartphones and parents who could look at them, what you're describing is simply a conversation of the sort people have all the time: venting frustrations, etc.  

Of course, your well-being is something your parents care deeply about—and clearly they are concerned. I wish for all of you that their reaction was less punitive, as it seems there are some difficult feelings you'd probably love for them to better understand. Maybe therapy could be a good thing for that? How do you feel about the idea of talking to a therapist? Do you think it could be helpful? 

What I'm maybe trying to get at is: Perhaps you can use therapy to find a better way to talk to and connect with your parents, including talking to them about the very issue here—that you understand they are upset, that you want to address this as a family, but that you don't believe ending the relationship is something that needs to happen. 

Related to all that, would you be open to sharing some of the reasons your parents don't like this boyfriend?

[Batya33]

Who pays for  your devices?

[Hatsuri]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Who pays for  your devices?

My mother had bought my phone and my father added me onto his mother’s phone line. I originally had my Uncle’s old phone and was added onto my dad’s mother’s line. 

[Hatsuri]

2 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this. 

Am I understanding correctly that what happened here is: you had this conversation with your boyfriend over an electronic device, your parents then went through your conversations, and their conclusion from what they read is that you can no longer have devices, must attend therapy, and have to end your relationship? 

If that's the case, what I want to say is: You did not actually mess up. You expressed sharp, complicated feelings to someone you trust. That is essential not only to being a teenager but being a human being. Once upon a time, before there were smartphones and parents who could look at them, what you're describing is simply a conversation of the sort people have all the time: venting frustrations, etc.  

Of course, your well-being is something your parents care deeply about—and clearly they are concerned. I wish for all of you that their reaction was less punitive, as it seems there are some difficult feelings you'd probably love for them to better understand. Maybe therapy could be a good thing for that? How do you feel about the idea of talking to a therapist? Do you think it could be helpful? 

What I'm maybe trying to get at is: Perhaps you can use therapy to find a better way to talk to and connect with your parents, including talking to them about the very issue here—that you understand they are upset, that you want to address this as a family, but that you don't believe ending the relationship is something that needs to happen. 

Related to all that, would you be open to sharing some of the reasons your parents don't like this boyfriend?

My parents think that he’s a “dub” meaning they don’t like him, but don’t hate him either. My father never was around him because of the state difference and only seen him in picture and heard his voice. My mother knows him a bit better, but doesn’t like him because she doesn’t like how he leaves without telling me anything and doesn’t give me attention. In my view, I know the reason why he disappears (which I find no offense to) and he’s not very verbal like me nor expressive so it takes a bit to figure out his true intentions sometimes. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Hatsuri said:

My mother had bought my phone and my father added me onto his mother’s phone line. I originally had my Uncle’s old phone and was added onto my dad’s mother’s line. 

Yes. Our son is 15. He got his phone last year. We paid for it and pay for service. He knows we can monitor it if we choose to. We rarely do but that’s the deal for many reasons we feel comfortable with. What about in your house?

[smackie9]

I think your parents are being a little harsh because you are troubled, and punishing you is only going to make you go down hill even more. Isolating you is going to do more damage, rather than protect you. What they should have done was actually sit down with you and talk this out. You are young, so thoughts and feelings can get confusing. So you vented a little darkness...lots of kids do that but most don't mean it. It's a cry for comfort and support...your parents have missed the mark on that. What you do about this is up to you. You know you need to do it but are you going to? Are you going to risk it? Maybe have some time to think about the consequences, hash out the pros and cons. 

I suggest you take up art or play an instrument to express yourself/ be creative during your time without devices. I think if you show them you can fill your time with positive things, and follow their instructions to breakup with him, you will probably get your phone back. 

[catfeeder]

26 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

...punishing you is only going to make you go down hill even more. Isolating you is going to do more damage, rather than protect you.

OP, I wouldn't view it this way ^^^--it could create a self-fulfilling prophesy. Like making yourself feel worse in order to punish your parents for punishing you. Skip that, it's a lose/lose.

Instead, make room for the idea that when parents react with harsh punishment, they are more likely to let go of their anger and become easier to deal with when they sense your cooperation. However, the appearance of being cooperative doesn't mean that you must buy into your parents being right and you being 'wrong'. For instance, you're not wrong for your feelings. You also know that your mother's original position was that she wanted you to make your own decisions about your love life. At this moment, she's probably just upset that you characterized her as a villain, and she doesn't know a better way to address this than cut you off from the person to whom you confided. But given her earlier understanding of the importance of allowing you to make decisions, she will probably dial this reaction back over time.

So your parents are more likely to recognize their mistake given some time to cool down, which means it's not a great idea to position yourself as their adversary. That would only keep things heated and the face-off would continue much longer than necessary.

Your therapist can likely help you navigate this situation if you use their services wisely. As for the BF, you can ask him whether he'd prefer to break up during this time, or whether he wants to wait and see how long your punishment lasts and what outcome it brings.

Hang in there.

[TeeDee]

Go to the therapy.  Talk to this professional. Make your case to the therapist about why you should get to continue to date your BF.  See if you can get the therapist to advocate for you.  If the therapist tells your parents that its OK for you to date your BF, they may be more open to the idea.  

Your parents love you.  They want you to be healthy & happy.  

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Hatsuri said:

, I had mentioned how I was a burden to my mother, mentioned she should’ve aborted me to make her life easier, said that children are used to get money (both parents had to pay child support to my Grandma when I lived with her), and some dark stuff I will not mention here. 

It seems like you have a very troubled home life and therapy could help sort that out. Are they reading what you wrote to your BF on your devices? Perhaps they think he's s bad influence because of your dark depressive thoughts and feelings? 

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm really sorry @HatsuriI grew up in that type of environment where my mom (not dad) invaded my privacy by snooping on my devices, computer, listening on my phone calls, I became so anxious and paranoid I was at times afraid to come home and when I was home, I 'walked on eggshells' every second of every day.

I was actually a very good kid, made good grades etc but because of my mom, I became anxious and a very troubled little girl/young lady.

Which carried over to now as an adult in many ways.  I'm also currently in therapy.

I do NOT recommend sneaking behind your parents' backs to see your boyfriend.  That will only encourage a further lack of trust.

Go to therapy and speak candidly with your therapist about your feelings. Perhaps he/she can then recommend some sort of family counseling for you and your parents together.

This is a highly volatile and dysfunctional situation and environment imo and my heart goes out to you. 

((Hugs))