Please help with a important decision

[Oldmanwondering]

I am 64 yrs old and dating a 58 year old for 7 years and living together for the past 6 years.  She is asking when am I going to propose to her and get married.  I do have some reservation about it.  We both lost our spouses due to cancer.  For the most part we get along well.  There are a good many times where she blows little things up.  the proverbial mole hill into a mountain.  I am very conscience of my finances and do not like blowing money away.  She on the other hand will over draw her bank account and received NSF fees of $35.00 on a regular bases.  One month she had over 20 NSF fees, that is $700 gone!!!!  Money that is supposed to be for us and she gives it to the bank in overdraft fees!

She loses her temper easy and says it is because she feels she is in a relationship that is going nowhere and she must prepare for her future.  My family does not care for her that much because of her personality and she has no friends because of that same reason.  Her doctor spoke with her about being bi-polar and she cursed the doctor out and never went back.  Do I owe her to marry her?  If not what do I owe her?  I feel I am wasting her time and I do not want to be that person.  Yes I would marry her if I thought things would change.  She did marry once after 2 years of her husband passing away but that marriage lasted for only 6 months.  

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Oldmanwondering said:

Do I owe her to marry her?  If not what do I owe her? 

You don't "owe" anyone a marriage. You do, however, owe it to her to be honest about your misgivings.

2 minutes ago, Oldmanwondering said:

I would marry her if I thought things would change. 

Never conduct a relationship under the hopes that your partner will "change". If someone has to change who they are fundamentally to be right for you, they're wrong for you. And I don't mean they leave their dirty clothes on the floor and you want them to put them in the hamper. I mean a change in temperament, personality, finances, etc. 

If you have these misgivings, why do you continue to have her live with you? Is it your expectation that she should be willing to live together indefinitely without a marriage?

[Wiseman2]

Even though you enjoy her companionship somewhat for now, you seem very incompatible and have a laundry list of complaints about her.

Stop stringing her along and set each other free.  The only thing you "owe" anyone, including her is honesty and sincerity, not just coasting along with contempt just so you can have company. 

[tattoobunnie]

Um, nooooo.  The only thing you owe her is the truth.  That you will be not be marrying her.

This is it.  She won't change.

[smackie9]

Let her walk away. 

[catfeeder]

I re-scanned your post to see if you mentioned anywhere that you love her. Didn't find it. So you owe her the truth.

As a go-forward, one way of handling money that works well to keep couples out of money fights is the three account method: His, Hers and Ours. You both create a budget together, then each contributes to the Ours account monthly according to an agreed percentage of income. So whoever earns more would contribute more, according to those percentages. The Ours account includes all shared expenses and investments. The remainder of one's income goes into one's own account, to be saved or spent as one wishes--without input or approval from the other.

So each spends as they wish from their own accounts, and this can cover gifts to one's own extended family or any personal spends. This ensures that neither can accuse the other of 'wasting' money as long as the Ours account is satisfied.

[TeeDee]

You owe her honesty, not marriage.  

Make a pros & cons list.  Speak to an attorney on your own about a pre nup & and estate plan.   Decide what you want.  If you don't want to marry, don't. 

Do talk to her about her financial expectations if you are going to marry.  If she can't control her spending & her bookkeeping she could bankrupt you.  

If you decide you don't want to marry tell her that & respect whatever decision she makes even if that is to break up & move out.  

[Seraphim]

I would run fast. 

[LotusBlack]

4 hours ago, Oldmanwondering said:

I am 64 yrs old and dating a 58 year old for 7 years and living together for the past 6 years.  She is asking when am I going to propose to her and get married.  I do have some reservation about it.  We both lost our spouses due to cancer.  For the most part we get along well.  There are a good many times where she blows little things up.  the proverbial mole hill into a mountain.  I am very conscience of my finances and do not like blowing money away.  She on the other hand will over draw her bank account and received NSF fees of $35.00 on a regular bases.  One month she had over 20 NSF fees, that is $700 gone!!!!  Money that is supposed to be for us and she gives it to the bank in overdraft fees!

She loses her temper easy and says it is because she feels she is in a relationship that is going nowhere and she must prepare for her future.  My family does not care for her that much because of her personality and she has no friends because of that same reason.  Her doctor spoke with her about being bi-polar and she cursed the doctor out and never went back.  Do I owe her to marry her?  If not what do I owe her?  I feel I am wasting her time and I do not want to be that person.  Yes I would marry her if I thought things would change.  She did marry once after 2 years of her husband passing away but that marriage lasted for only 6 months.  

OP, I don’t see this as a marry/not marry question, but rather a matter of whether you should stay together or separate. I think if you get married (provided that is what you decide you want at some point), you are able to still keep finances separate so her bad money management doesn’t impact you.

In your shoes, I would sit down with her and have an open, honest conversation about how you feel in the relationship and that in order to continue it and even be able to consider a potential future marriage, you need for her to have her health further investigated. What you need from her is to have a full, thorough assessment for bipolar disorder, and if she is assessed as having it, follow through with an appropriate management plan with the relevant healthcare specialists/providers. Once that happens and is consistent and you can both get a real understanding of her behavior after that, then you can see where the relationship is headed. Until then, it is hard for you to make any informed decisions about your relationship (unless you have reached that point where maintaining a relationship no matter the situation is no longer what you want). If she is unwilling, then you may consider this relationship unable to continue. This is not an ultimatum, just where you stand on the matter (if that is how you feel); it may be a dealbreaker issue.

[Cherylyn]

Why bother living together let alone get married?  She will continue leading you to financial ruin whether you're married to her or not.  Of course,  being married to her would be worse but your relationship with her as an unmarried man is no better either. 

She has a temper and not well liked.  She is red flags all over the place.  ☹️

At age 64,  stop wasting the rest of your life on a person who isn't a good match for you. 

[sheera]

Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your reservations regarding marriage. Express your concerns about her financial habits, temperament, and the impact on your relationship. It's crucial to have clear communication and understanding between both partners.

[ShySoul]

You "owe" her the same thing anyone is owed - honesty and respect. If you have concerns, then you need to talk about it with her. Not talking will just continue things as they are until one of you finally snaps and says or does something they might regret. So do the mature thing and talk it out. People rarely change, and when you care for someone you shouldn't want them to change who they are. But you can compromise. There are probably things in your behavior that she might be able to point out  Relationships require both parties to work together and be willing to look at themselves and how they can improve things.

Only in working together can you potentially addresses these concerns. And if she is unwilling to cooperate, then you will have known you tried and can be honest about it not working out. You won't have to feel like you are wasting her time, as it will be clear this isn't working.

[poorlittlefish]

On 4/18/2024 at 6:31 PM, catfeeder said:

As a go-forward, one way of handling money that works well to keep couples out of money fights is the three account method: His, Hers and Ours. You both create a budget together, then each contributes to the Ours account monthly according to an agreed percentage of income. So whoever earns more would contribute more, according to those percentages. The Ours account includes all shared expenses and investments. The remainder of one's income goes into one's own account, to be saved or spent as one wishes--without input or approval from the other.

So each spends as they wish from their own accounts, and this can cover gifts to one's own extended family or any personal spends. This ensures that neither can accuse the other of 'wasting' money as long as the Ours account is satisfied.

Exactly this. When I was married we had something very similar, paying a set percentage of our take-home pay into a joint account to cover bills, home improvements etc. If we built a surplus, it would be used to fund a holiday. The arrangement worked very well and neither of us had to feel guilty about treating ourselves as we still had our separate accounts too.