Is my ex's last message narcissistic or is it genuine?

[Andromeda1994]

CONTEXT: 
LDR for many years  (we never met in real because he never did a real plan about it although I really wanted it).
Me- always wanting to have more contact with him and always prioritizing him. 
Him- workaholic and always busy, he was this unimpressed, unaffected guy; many times I felt I disturbed him although he never admitted it. He had narcissistic traits- he wouldn’t admit to be wrong in anything, he would just ignore the issue or he would turn the blame on me. 
Whenever I tried to stop the relationship because I was feeling unwanted, he was trying to pull me back and to convince me to stay.
In our last discussion I got upset because, during Easter (which he spent with his family) he didn’t call me for one minute, along 4 days, although I tried many times to ask him to talk by phone. 
I tried to discuss in a calm manner about this but he ignored me so I couldn’t take it anymore and I decided to end the relationship.
In that moment he started sending me very long messages with a lot of accusations and insults and blames. 
I blocked him on social media and the next weeks he tried to reach out through iMessages or this kind:
“I miss you :(“ , “Don’t you miss me?”, “Do you feel better now? I miss you and our contact”, “Do you have someone else? I think it would be fair to tell me”. 
I never replied. 
So today I got his last message: 

“Ok dear I will not longer disturb you. I also worry to loose my self-respect if I go on writing to you without getting any answer. So if you ever regret your decision please jump over your shadow and write me. What ever happens in the past, it doesn't count on me as long as we didn't meet in real. I still would like to meet you and I still can imagine life together with you. Hugs and kisses and all the best. I will always love you!”

Somehow I see the guilt-tripping and the manipulation hidded in his last words but I am not sure so I wanted to ask for your opinion. I am confused and I can’t judge the things right. Thank you in advance for your responses!

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Andromeda1994 said:

 I couldn’t take it anymore and I decided to end the relationship.
In that moment he started sending me very long messages with a lot of accusations and insults and blames. 
I blocked him on social media and the next weeks he tried to reach out through iMessages or this kind:

How far apart are you and how did you start talking? What is the reason you never met?

You did the right thing blocking him when he started flinging insults. Please delete and block him permanently from all your social media and messaging apps. 

Please consider meeting people in real life through dating apps or social events. This way you can get to know someone by dating and seeing them on a regular basis. 

[Batya33]

He's a stranger for romantic purposes -how do  you even know he wrote that? He didn't meet you because he didn't want to so take his words in that context.  You have no idea if he was a workaholic or whether his absences were because he was wilth his wife, girlfriend, a lover.  I agree with Wiseman. I'd ignore the message and not waste time trying to analyzie it. 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, Andromeda1994 said:

Ok dear I will not longer disturb you. I also worry to loose my self-respect if I go on writing to you without getting any answer. So if you ever regret your decision please jump over your shadow and write me. What ever happens in the past, it doesn't count on me as long as we didn't meet in real. I still would like to meet you and I still can imagine life together with you. Hugs and kisses and all the best. I will always love you,!"

Based on everything that went down between you, ^^ 100% no 1000% BS.

He's playing you girl.  No doubt in my mind about that.  

Why?  For his own entertainment

I say block and delete all his messages right now and never give him a second thought..

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

It is long past time you step away from this cyber-fantasy. 

He sounds like a jerk. But you would be better-served by figuring why you have wasted so many years on a situation that was never a real relationship. 

You can do better than this, OP. 

[TeeDee]

You have been doing this -- whatever this is -- for many years but never met?  The guy is a time waster.  Stop engaging with him.  Things will never improve. 

What label you put on it doesn't matter.  He's never going to show up in real life & be a good partner.  

Going forward, date locally & meet quickly.  Then & only then can you start to invest.  

[Kwothe28]

17 hours ago, Andromeda1994 said:

Ok dear I will not longer disturb you. I also worry to loose my self-respect if I go on writing to you without getting any answer.

Yeah, no narcisoid would write this. Reason is very simple: Narcisoid doesnt worry about stuff like that because in their head you exist to worship them. So they wouldnt bother with messaging you at all. Nore would worry to lose any self- respect about themselves. They are perfect in their heads so they wouldnt allow to even think about such thing as to lose their mind over somebody. To true narcisoid you are their puppet. Its you who should chase them. 

This is just desperate attempt from some guy that you dont even know. Not every person who doesnt give you the time of the day is narcisoid. Especially the one that would beg you to contact him after. Lots of people are self- absorbed and want your attention. But not every one of them has narcisoid personality disorder. God forbid if that was the case. True pathological cases of narcissism are very rare.

[tattoobunnie]

Narcissist are too shallow to care if you want them or not.

You should have stopped at  "for many years  (we never met in real..."

You don't need a pen pal.

[rainbowsandroses]

I dunno, I'm not a shrink so can't say if he's a narcissist or not but...there's something called "narcissistic hoovering" that narcissists employ to hook you back in. 

>>"Hoovering, like the name suggests, is a type of behavior where the narcissist tries to suck you back into their life, much like a vacuum cleaner sucks up lint.

Just when you’re trying to distance yourself from a narcissistic person, they may hoover you back in. They may dazzle you with compliments, gifts, and promises, or they may manipulate, threaten, or guilt trip you into doing what they want.

This toxic behavior often stems from a deep fear of abandonment, a strong sense of entitlement, and a need for control.

However, it’s important to protect yourself by recognizing this pattern and seeing through their behavior. Set boundaries with them and distance yourself from them, so they can’t manipulate your emotions anymore. Stay strong and don’t let yourself get sucked in!<<"

[catfeeder]

You're living in your own head. Falling in love with a stranger on a screen means you don't have enough going on in real life to prevent such an unhealthy fantasy. This makes you ripe for catfishing and scams, and it prevents you from pursuing an active lifestyle that would expose you to real life opportunities for friendships and social support.

I'd delete this dude, block him and make a plan with steps to invest in yourself in cultivating your own social life. Explore new interests out in the world and discover hidden talents. Involve yourself in community or family. 

If you can use some help and encouragement, consider working with a therapist to hold yourself accountable to someone with your best interests as a priority.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You're living in your own head. Falling in love with a stranger on a screen means you don't have enough going on in real life to prevent such an unhealthy fantasy. This makes you ripe for catfishing and scams, and it prevents you from pursuing an active lifestyle that would expose you to real life opportunities for friendships and social support.

I'd delete this dude, block him and make a plan with steps to invest in yourself in cultivating your own social life. Explore new interests out in the world and discover hidden talents. Involve yourself in community or family. 

If you can use some help and encouragement, consider working with a therapist to hold yourself accountable to someone with your best interests as a priority.

And assume you'll never know if he typed that message or typed all of it, etc so no need to analyze.

[yogacat]

Something in you felt interacting with this individual online for several years.. and he has not been able to make any plans to meet you? Why?

Perhaps you should explore this – instead you are attempting to discover good in a likely negative situation, with trying to think that he might or might not be "guilt-tripping and manipulating"... but let's take a few steps outside the box.

What makes you think he actually loves you... sees only you? He doesn't call you, didn't even reach out to you during Easter for what about a minute? He is now questioning "do you have someone else", by his own written. You worked actually to keep contact with him during this period of his choices to not share time over the Easter time with your words "never tried."

How does he actually truly fit into your life? See?

You are feeling confused, as you state in your own words. You care for him, you have given him so much wasted time, so much of which could have been so many elements in your life over time - and you were here... he was where? No real plan to primarily be with you or anyone else? 

Who are you to him, and what really has he brought to the table to cement a solid foundation over years - zero. Consider some other path.

[Andromeda1994]

I've been on therapy for some time but I am still struggling to move on from this and I'm confused about many things.

My therapist told me yesterday that he is a schizoid.

My problem is low-self esteem, co-dependency and seeking validation from others, that's why i stayed here.

It is not easy to tell myself that I deserve more and to move on, I'm stuck in trying to understand what has been going on, why did he stay here so many years (8).

Understanding that he has a personality disorder maybe would help me move on and heal.

 

On 4/18/2024 at 1:10 AM, Wiseman2 said:

How far apart are you and how did you start talking? What is the reason you never met?

We are countries apart. We met on a language learning site 8 years ago, and we have been on and off. He was a very educated man, very charming and had a broad vision of the world.

We made plans of meeting many times but it never happened ultimately because he didn't come up with a real plan, although i always wanted.

Our intense and long interaction along these years made me feel like he was so close to me, like a part of my family. 

On 4/18/2024 at 2:43 AM, Batya33 said:

You have no idea if he was a workaholic or whether his absences were because he was wilth his wife, girlfriend, a lover.  I agree with Wiseman. I'd ignore the message and not waste time trying to analyzie it. 

I can't be certain whether he had someone else but i never felt he would. I only know he was a blunt guy, very frank and somehow emotionally plain. I never felt that he was lying to me regarding anything, along all these years.

I knew his schedule all the time, we would often talk by phone, by videocam at any time of day and night, even while he was working.

He was quite a loner, his time was highly structured. He was successful at job and very smart.

He had a strong s*xual attraction to my body and had a lot of fantasies about me.

He was very much engaged in many of our disagreements/quarrels and was spending a big amount of time explaining me things and arguing with me.

BUT many times I had the feeling that I distrub him with my presence, that he wants to be alone, to not talk to me. He would have days in which he simply went silent, completely ignoring me and not message. 

If I suggested talking to him on the phone, he would barely talk and would want to end the call after just 5 minutes. And if I proposed using video chat, he would refuse, saying he didn't feel like it.

It was maddening how he would oscillate between being kind and lovely to me for days, and then switch to being silent and uncommunicative, responding with short, dismissive answers, as if I were bothering him. So I was always generating fights.

 

17 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah, no narcisoid would write this. Reason is very simple: Narcisoid doesnt worry about stuff like that because in their head you exist to worship them. So they wouldnt bother with messaging you at all. Nore would worry to lose any self- respect about themselves.

As I said I am still confused about his attitude. He drove me crazy many times with his actions.

One thing I know- he never admitted to his mistakes and never apologised to me for anything. And he was lacking empathy almost completely. That's why i thought he was a narcissist.

Whenever i wanted to stop the relationship he tried to make me stay, to explain me thousand things and bring excuses for his busy work.

15 hours ago, yogacat said:

You care for him, you have given him so much wasted time, so much of which could have been so many elements in your life over time - and you were here... he was where? No real plan to primarily be with you or anyone else? 

Who are you to him, and what really has he brought to the table to cement a solid foundation over years - zero. Consider some other path.

Yes, it was just a waste of time and I was stuck in that situation always trying to get out of it but ending up again with him.

I am emotionally damaged and confused because I invested a lot of energy in this BS and I truly cared about him. 

[Batya33]

I don't think any therapist who is a professional would dare diagnose someone they don't know -heck you don't know this person either in any relevant way and have no idea if he typed that message or the whole message.  

I'm sorry you are struggling and I'm glad you are in therapy.  I hope it helps you to move on to meeting people who you meet in person ASAP or of course meeting people in real life. 

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Andromeda1994 said:

Yes, it was just a waste of time and I was stuck in that situation always trying to get out of it but ending up again with him.

I am emotionally damaged and confused because I invested a lot of energy in this BS and I truly cared about him. 

Don't beat yourself up over it. LDR or not, your situation isn't untypical. Happens to people all the time.

At least now you're trying to do something about it!

You're going to have to train yourself, be disciplined, to remember there is a lot of fakey crap out there.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Andromeda1994 said:

.My therapist told me yesterday that he is a schizoid..Understanding that he has a personality disorder maybe would help me move on and heal.

Please have faith in your decision to end things. Diagnosing him with all sorts of personality disorders is just obsessing and rationalizing. Please focus on your own physical and mental health and well-being being. Your therapist is there to help you understand yourself, not make armchair diagnoses. Please focus on why you went down this dark path for so many years. 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 hours ago, Andromeda1994 said:

My therapist told me yesterday that he is a schizoid.

Where did you find this therapist?  Is your therapy on line as well?

Reason I ask is because no good qualified therapist would ever provide diagnoses for someone they haven't evaluated and tested themselves.  That is highly unprofessional and unethical. 

And no disrespect but since 'like attracts like' if HE is schizoid (inability to form interpersonal relationships being one symptom), then in all likelihood you are as well for choosing to remain in this dysfunctional situation for eight years.  

Your therapist should be focusing on you and your issues rather than faux diagnosing him no matter how better it makes you feel.

If me, I'd find a new therapist, one who's actually there to help you learn about yourself and heal from within versus telling you what you want to hear and taking your money. 

I'm glad you're owning your own *, that you have issues with self-esteem and the like, acknowledging our own issues is the first step towards healing. 

As far as the message he sent I do think he wrote it, but his purpose for doing so was manipulative and controlling versus caring and loving.  See "hoovering" posted earlier which many people do NOT just narcissists.

It sounded "rehearsed" and very well crafted versus something coming from his heart.  IOW disingenuous and phony like he took the wording from a book or on line.

@Andromeda1994this experience has the potential to be a fantastic learning opportunity for you if you allow it to be.

Introspection including reading books written by reputable authors (not fluff self help) combined with therapy with a good qualified therapist (not the one you're seeing now for reasons stated) will enable you to learn, grow, evolve and eventually find the best person for you or if not, to be happy wiithin and feeling whole and complete on your own. 

Which I'm actually doing myself now after a series of losses and disappointing relationships/situationships.

 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

I agree that it is extremely unethical and unprofessional for your therapist to "diagnose" someone they've never even met let alone treated. A therapist's job isn't to give you false ways of making you feel better but rather to give you tools to manage whatever issues you have. If your issue is attaching yourself to inappropriate people or situations they should be helping you with that, not giving you fake soothing mechanisms that aren't effective in the long term. 

BTW, I have worked with a therapist I found online through Better Help and she is excellent. She has ME do the work, she doesn't just tell me things I want to hear to make my life "easier". 

I have no idea if my ex is a narcissist, but he is extremely toxic. He treated me poorly then would call me crying, telling me he knew he was an a-hole and saying he was sorry. He was manipulating me, he wasn't genuinely sorry. He just wanted me to stick around for his ego and so he could have someone to emotionally kick when he wanted to. He didn't love me. 

I hope you choose to end this connection permanently so you no longer expose yourself to this person who is bad for you. 

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Andromeda1994 said:

...My therapist told me yesterday that he is a schizoid.

Understanding that he has a personality disorder maybe would help me move on and heal.

While nobody can diagnose a stranger, your therapist may have characterized behaviors you confided as tendencies consistent with that disorder. And he or she may have done so to give you an answer you need to move forward.

That is the closest you're ever going to get to this "understanding that he has a personality disorder...". So, good. You've got what you need, and so, what's next for you? You can't treat the guy. You can't fix him. You've been holding onto your fantasies about him for 8 years as some barrier to expanding the rest of your life. Why not take this as your liberation card to stop obsessing over the dude?

Ask your therapist to form a treatment plan focused on cognitive behavioral therapy, where you start taking small baby steps toward healthy growth? This doesn't mean that you must join a hundred meetup groups and make 5 new friends a week in order to consider yourself healthy. Instead, you can start viewing yourself through a lens of potential and desire. You'll plan small actions for your week that enliven healthy parts of yourself.

CBT is not limited to treating fears and phobias with emersion in the things that scare you, it incorporates behaving 'as though' you believe in your own  blossoming. This will have you moving TOWARD something rather than languishing in a belief that you are stuck somewhere and must struggle to get away from it.

Wasting 8 years doesn't mean there's any value to wasting one more day trying to figure out why someone else would waste HIS 8 years. He's got issues, those are his, not yours. You've got a therapist to help you walk toward a happier and more productive life. Don't compare yourself with anyone else. This is your path, and you get to decide how slowly or quickly you'll want to explore it to see where else it can take you. But the only way to do that is to start taking some steps.

Head high, you can do this.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Andromeda1994 said:

I knew his schedule all the time, we would often talk by phone, by videocam at any time of day and night, even while he was working.

Except for this:

9 hours ago, Andromeda1994 said:

 He would have days in which he simply went silent, completely ignoring me and not message. 

If I suggested talking to him on the phone, he would barely talk and would want to end the call after just 5 minutes. And if I proposed using video chat, he would refuse, saying he didn't feel like it.

OP, I think you have been trying way too hard to convince yourself that this man is single in spite of major indicators that he probably isn't. 

There is a reason he never actually set a plan to meet you in person. There is a reason he would disappear randomly or cut it short with you. He sounds like a married man. 

[catfeeder]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He sounds like a married man. 

Whether he is or isn't married is really irrelevant. OP, no matter how you slice it, this dude is nowhere near willing or able to give you the kind of relationship you want and deserve. If I needed to tell myself he was married, or has a personality disorder, or he has a drug problem, or any other excuse to walk away from him, it would be a smart and valid way to liberate myself and jumpstart my own life. I'd quit using the guy as my barrier to doing so.

You've already got a therapist. Good work, but this person works FOR YOU. So don't be passive and waste your money--ask for a treatment plan to get yourself moving forward instead of sitting in stagnation. Ask for homework for the time between sessions. Keep a notebook to review with the therapist and keep yourself accountable for doing the work required to learn HOW to start enjoying your potential.