Am I being played/taken advantage of?

[SimonH]

I met a very nice girl about 2 years ago. I had never been in a relationship before. I found her, and still do, to be intelligent and beautiful. She is 19 and I just turned 36. She lives in another country and unfortunately is not financially stable so I have supported her to a large extent over the past two years. Considering the fact we live in different countries, and she cannot get a visa to visit my country, we have spent a significant amount of time together over the past two years: 6 months combined I would say. It certainly feels like an exclusive relationship to the point where she cries every time I leave, sends me love letters about how she is my soulmate etc blah blah.

So a few days ago we are having dinner, on yet another vacation, and she receives a phone call from an individual. For all purposes let's say "John." I see the name pop up on her phone. She says she needs to take this call. She comes back and of course I am a little upset I am on vacation with someone and she has just taken a call from John. I ask who it was and she said her father. A lie. Then she says it was a psychic as she wanted advice since her mother tried to kill herself (maybe the truth as her mother is a little nuts). Then she tells me it is someone she previously met and had intimacy before we became very serious and she felt she needed to take the call as sometimes she needs someone to talk to and I am always so busy. As you can imagine I was lied to (not the first time; there have been a few lies in the past nothing too dramatic) and I feel a little bit taken advantage of like a fool. My idea was that we were in an exclusive relationship and if she was speaking to another guy how could that be?

To be fair, she has gone into my phone once last week (she figured out password) and saw I had replied to other girls who texted me, but I did not meet up with those girls and never had sex with them. 

So basically I am looking for some advice based on what I have written and don't want to feel like I am being played if I continue with this girl and to support her. 

[Kwothe28]

18 minutes ago, SimonH said:

She lives in another country and unfortunately is not financially stable so I have supported her to a large extent over the past two years.

She is just taking advantage of you. Financially. As she does with other men as well. 

[TeeDee]

At 34 you started up with a 17 year old CHILD.  You are a predator. 

You would do well to date adult women who are your age.   

[SimonH]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

At 34 you started up with a 17 year old CHILD.  You are a predator. 

You would do well to date adult women who are your age.   

She always told me she was 18. 

[SimonH]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

At 34 you started up with a 17 year old CHILD.  You are a predator. 

You would do well to date adult women who are your age.   

she said she was 18 always 

[Tinydance]

Well if I'm going to be honest, I think this whole situation doesn't sound good. For one thing I'm sorry but the age gap probably is too big. Maybe if she was like 25 - 30 it might be not as bad, but she's a teenager. You are in your mid - late 30's. She was probably still in high school when you started talking. I'm not sure what you're looking for from a relationship but at 19 I would be surprised if she was looking for something serious. I don't know if you got involved with a teenager because you'd never been in a relationship and felt you were with someone also not as experienced? Due to her age.

You're saying you're in an exclusive relationship but how can you really be in a relationship if she lives in another country? Are you fine with having a relationship where you only saw each other for six months in two years? Also you don't seem to have a plan of whether she'll move to your country or you'll move to her. Usually if one person doesn't move it will just end eventually.

How were you getting messages from girls? Were you using dating apps? I don't think you can say you're in an exclusive relationship if you're talking to other women as well. Exclusive means you wouldn't speak to anyone else. So if you can talk to other women then she can talk to "John". I mean she's no angel either and she probably is using you. But I'm just saying you're talking to other women but you say she can't talk to other guys.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, SimonH said:

. She says she needs to take this call. She comes back and of course I am a little upset I am on vacation with someone and she has just taken a call from John. I ask who it was and she said her father. A lie. 

It doesn't seem like you're being taken advantage of or played, but it does seem like she has other customers and sugar daddies besides you. You are supporting her from afar voluntarily and that's risky business. 

[yogacat]

6 hours ago, SimonH said:

So a few days ago we are having dinner, on yet another vacation, and she receives a phone call from an individual. For all purposes let's say "John." I see the name pop up on her phone. She says she needs to take this call. She comes back and of course I am a little upset I am on vacation with someone and she has just taken a call from John. I ask who it was and she said her father. A lie. Then she says it was a psychic as she wanted advice since her mother tried to kill herself (maybe the truth as her mother is a little nuts). Then she tells me it is someone she previously met and had intimacy before we became very serious and she felt she needed to take the call as sometimes she needs someone to talk to and I am always so busy. As you can imagine I was lied to (not the first time; there have been a few lies in the past nothing too dramatic) and I feel a little bit taken advantage of like a fool. My idea was that we were in an exclusive relationship and if she was speaking to another guy how could that be?

Well damn, she's giving you one b.s. excuse after another. I don't know how stupid she thinks you are, but either way, she's got no problem playing you like a chump. Why are you messing around with this girl? She's breaking into your phone, you're lying to each other, she's talking to other guys...She's half your age, 2000 miles away, and her mother sounds like a load of fun...

Go sleep with your other options and call it a day, young man.

[boltnrun]

This is a business arrangement and she has other customers. She is also likely dating local young men for romantic reasons.

I think you know what's going on here. And I think you fully understand that this is a transactional situation.

Why don't you date women in your own country?

[SimonH]

11 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well if I'm going to be honest, I think this whole situation doesn't sound good. For one thing I'm sorry but the age gap probably is too big. Maybe if she was like 25 - 30 it might be not as bad, but she's a teenager. You are in your mid - late 30's. She was probably still in high school when you started talking. I'm not sure what you're looking for from a relationship but at 19 I would be surprised if she was looking for something serious. I don't know if you got involved with a teenager because you'd never been in a relationship and felt you were with someone also not as experienced? Due to her age.

You're saying you're in an exclusive relationship but how can you really be in a relationship if she lives in another country? Are you fine with having a relationship where you only saw each other for six months in two years? Also you don't seem to have a plan of whether she'll move to your country or you'll move to her. Usually if one person doesn't move it will just end eventually.

How were you getting messages from girls? Were you using dating apps? I don't think you can say you're in an exclusive relationship if you're talking to other women as well. Exclusive means you wouldn't speak to anyone else. So if you can talk to other women then she can talk to "John". I mean she's no angel either and she probably is using you. But I'm just saying you're talking to other women but you say she can't talk to other guys.

We met initially by chance through a dating app. Yes she knows I have spoken to other women. To be honest I have not met any however. She did go in my phone twice. She writes me love letters about how it is her dream to marry me one day we are soulmates etc. When I leave her after visiting her country or a vacation she cries buckets of tears. If she wasn't genuine she would be worthy of an Academy Award. 

[SimonH]

8 hours ago, yogacat said:

Well damn, she's giving you one b.s. excuse after another. I don't know how stupid she thinks you are, but either way, she's got no problem playing you like a chump. Why are you messing around with this girl? She's breaking into your phone, you're lying to each other, she's talking to other guys...She's half your age, 2000 miles away, and her mother sounds like a load of fun...

Go sleep with your other options and call it a day, young man.

I think maybe I have made it more dramatic than it is. She is not aloof or does not like me/acting as if she likes me because of the vacations/financial support. I think she is genuinely genuine. I think she just wants to keep her options open it seems in case I do not marry her or we break up. Her excuse for talking with the guy John was that I am always too busy and we do not talk a lot which is kind of true. A lot of the day I am working and she will sit on her phone when we are together. We also do do things together to of course but not all day. The same as anyone else who works like me I suppose. She doesn't have a full time job or go to school. 

[SimonH]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

This is a business arrangement and she has other customers. She is also likely dating local young men for romantic reasons.

I think you know what's going on here. And I think you fully understand that this is a transactional situation.

Why don't you date women in your own country?

I see what you are saying and it might be difficult to understand especially if you are not here but it does not feel completely transactional. I think she does have very strong feelings for me.I have dated other girls before that were like being out with a sour fish and difficult to converse with. This is not that person. 

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, SimonH said:

I see what you are saying and it might be difficult to understand especially if you are not here but it does not feel completely transactional. I think she does have very strong feelings for me.I have dated other girls before that were like being out with a sour fish and difficult to converse with. This is not that person. 

If you truly believe that, why are you asking if you are being "played" or taken advantage of?

And of course she's pleasant to be around. If she was a sourpuss you wouldn't be forthcoming with the financial support.

Whose idea was it for you to start giving her money? 

[SimonH]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you truly believe that, why are you asking if you are being "played" or taken advantage of?

And of course she's pleasant to be around. If she was a sourpuss you wouldn't be forthcoming with the financial support.

Whose idea was it for you to start giving her money? 

I offered because I started to feel bad for her. She comes from a family that has nothing. When I say nothing I mean just enough to survive. So for me to send $200 here and there did not seem like a big deal to me and could help her a lot especially in her local currency. But it started to be more than that to be honest and developed into sending money consistently, her occasionally asking for money. Honestly I don't mind because it does not affect me much and it is not like she is asking for a $2000 wire every week. 

I ask about being played because she picked up the call from John and she lied about it at first, who he was, then told me it was someone she had a romantic relationship with 2 years ago before she me me. So I am still very hurt by what happened in the restaurant and told her it is going to take me time to heal and gain back trust.

 

[boltnrun]

I think it would be helpful to frame this arrangement as transactional. Everything you've written is the classic young woman overseas/financially well established older man. It's quite common.

As long as you're both getting what you want, what's the harm? Leave feelings out of it. 

[SimonH]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I think it would be helpful to frame this arrangement as transactional. Everything you've written is the classic young woman overseas/older financially well established older man. It's quite common.

As long as you're both getting what you want, what's the harm? Leave feelings out of it. 

I sincerely felt the difference was that we were in an exclusive relationship. Not that she may have other people like me. I did not want a transactional relationship and to be honest it is not even very transactional because a lot of the time I am supporting her I will not even see her. I can sometime pass 2-3 months without seeing her although sometimes we willl pass 1 month together. 

[LootieTootie]

Can I ask what country she's in? Also I really think you need to think about this relationship a bit harder.

For her to confess to you that she's been lying to you about this John, what else has she lied to you about? Please know that there are a lot of women in poorer countries who prey on men in first world countries. So lying and being deceitful is something most of these women are used to doing. Not saying all of them are like that but many of them are so you have to be smart and ask yourself if her lying to you is just a tip of the iceberg,

[boltnrun]

She also lied about her age.

These arrangements are usually more advantageous to one party than the other. 

[SimonH]

31 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Can I ask what country she's in? Also I really think you need to think about this relationship a bit harder.

For her to confess to you that she's been lying to you about this John, what else has she lied to you about? Please know that there are a lot of women in poorer countries who prey on men in first world countries. So lying and being deceitful is something most of these women are used to doing. Not saying all of them are like that but many of them are so you have to be smart and ask yourself if her lying to you is just a tip of the iceberg,

Brazil. She has lied about other stupid things as well. For example, she said her watch is real but it is fake. She admitted she bought a fake watch to me as she said she feels inferior to me. As is if she is trying to compete with me which is quite silly. None of these things really bugged me much. But this John who she answered the phone with when out with me and her going into my phone are different. When she went into my phone and saw I had messaged some other girls (but never met them) she started to cry hysterically so obviously she has feelings or is a psychopath. Most likely the former. For further context she has been working outside of her normal city for the past 3 months so not possible for her to have seen this John person unless he travelled to her which is unlikely. 

[SimonH]

I asked to look at her phone BTW and she said no. That also made me upset. What is she hiding? 

[jul-els]

No, you’re not being taken advantage of. Nobody will ever do anything to you that you don’t allow them to do. This is what you signed up for. 

[SimonH]

she showed me some chats but she could hav just archived something she did not want to show 

[Tinydance]

I do think she's using you because she asks for money and you send it to her regularly. So I agree with you there that she's taking advantage of you financially.

You keep using the term "exclusive relationship" but you are not actually acting like you are in one. Exclusive relationship means you don't talk to other people on dating apps. I'm not saying she's not in the wrong because she's talking to John but you're doing exactly the same thing. You can't have a one sided "exclusive relationship" if you're on dating apps and talking to other women but she's supposed to be committed only to you. That's double standards. It doesn't matter if you only talked to those women. Maybe she only "talked" to John but you aren't OK with it.

I think if you want to continue talking to other women then keep this relationship casual. Meaning you see each other when you go to her country but otherwise you can both talk to and date others. 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, SimonH said:

So for me to send $200 here and there did not seem like a big deal to me and could help her a lot especially in her local currency. But

I checked the exchange rate and what you can do for that money. 200 dollars essentially pays her rent for a decent place. You are essentially sponsoring her. And John 1, John 2, John 3 or whatever number of them she has.She is young, probably hot, Latina. Americans love those. So its not really hard to find couple of older men to sponsor her. Promising them love and that she will be with them. 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, SimonH said:

When I leave her after visiting her country or a vacation she cries buckets of tears. If she wasn't genuine she would be worthy of an Academy Award. 

Nah. She just knows how to put on an act for a guy who really, really wants to believe this is the real deal. It doesn't require great acting skill when the audience wants to be convinced. 

Time to wake up, my dude. This is not the relationship you think it is. It is obvious she is playing with you and lying to you, and you would have to be pretty willfully naive to think you are the only man she sees and accepts money from. 

Please, walk away from this. You are going to wind up even more hurt in the end, because this young lady is not the love of your life and will not be riding off into the sunset with you.