How has she moved on so quick?

[AA1994]

10 years together 2 children. Im 29 shes 28. Left me 8 weeks ago and now dating someone new after promising they were happy single and hope i would be too? How could a woman do this? I know i need to focus on the kids and myself thats the obvious. But just want some insight in to how and why someone could do this so soon?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, AA1994 said:

10 years together 2 children. Im 29 shes 28. Left me 8 weeks ago and now dating someone new. I know i need to focus on the kids and myself thats the obvious. But just want some insight in to how and why someone could do this so soon?

Sorry this is happening. She may have been planning to leave for a while so mentally moved on before you did. Yes focus on your physical and mental health, sobriety and the children. 

[AA1994]

I dont know how to compose myself if i want her back. Ive been supportive and wished her good luck on the date etc

[justme80]

Some people do this. The only thing I can think shes moved this quickly is for a confidence boost now she is newly single. Some people cant bear to be alone. In my opinion the best way to be after a breakup is to focus on yourself or your loved ones around you. Focus on you mate. 

[Batya33]

Were you married ? Was the fact you weren’t an issue for either of you ?im sorry you’re struggling 

[AA1994]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Were you married ? Was the fact you weren’t an issue for either of you ?im sorry you’re struggling 

Yes, issue for her we were engaged. Said i never wanted to marry her. I was massively overweight depressed and drinking more than average. Couldnt show love when i hated myself. Lost 4 stone since the breakup. Made the mistake of begging crying and pleading which pushed her further away. Just hope one day she sees the changes ive made 

[AA1994]

24 minutes ago, justme80 said:

Some people do this. The only thing I can think shes moved this quickly is for a confidence boost now she is newly single. Some people cant bear to be alone. In my opinion the best way to be after a breakup is to focus on yourself or your loved ones around you. Focus on you mate. 

yeah you could be right. He lives an hour away from our town so hopefully nothing progresses. Although i wish her all the happiness in the world. Trying my best to get in shape and to look better

Just now, AA1994 said:

Yes, issue for her we were engaged. Said i never wanted to marry her. I was massively overweight depressed and drinking more than average. Couldnt show love when i hated myself. Lost 4 stone since the breakup. Made the mistake of begging crying and pleading which pushed her further away. Just hope one day she sees the changes ive made 

She said i never wanted to marry her that is! Not me. We were engaged for 3 years

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. She may have been planning to leave for a while so mentally moved on before you did. Yes focus on your physical and mental health, sobriety and the children. 

r

[Andrina]

I'm sorry you're in pain. As far as dating goes, the only thing you two should be discussing are rules as far as what is best for the children. Such as not allowing the children to meet a new dating prospect until the union is serious. You two should no longer be discussing your personal lives with each other. Keep all topics to co-parenting only. You say you want her back, yet a person normally thinks long and hard about breaking up a longstanding union like this, especially when children are involved. 

I'm assuming either she asked for improvements which never happened, or that one or both of you lost an emotional connection for whatever reason, and she came to a point of no longer caring or outgrowing the relationship.

She's not too bright, failing to give herself time to learn who she is solo, since she's been with you since teen years. But you can't control what she does, so she will live and learn. You will just have to let her know you don't want to hear about her romantic life until it's decided the new man will meet the children, so you are ensuring the children's wellbeing by learning who this man is who will be around them. 

I just read your update. Probably too little too late. From my own experience, when a woman is done, she's plain done. Keep up with your improvements regardless. This will benefit you in the present and future. You were probably just used to her being around, and are likely fooling yourself that you truly loved her, otherwise, you would've improved far earlier to be the partner she deserved. But you're right that you have to love yourself before loving anyone else properly, so that's a good goal to work on for any future relationship you embark on. Take care.

 

[catfeeder]

5 minutes ago, AA1994 said:

es, issue for her we were engaged. Said i never wanted to marry her. I was massively overweight depressed and drinking more than average. Couldnt show love when i hated myself. Lost 4 stone since the breakup. Made the mistake of begging crying and pleading which pushed her further away. Just hope one day she sees the changes ive made 

3 minutes ago, AA1994 said:

She said i never wanted to marry her that is! Not me. We were engaged for 3 years

I'm so sorry, and my heart goes out to you. Three years is an awfully long engagement. How much of that time were you depressed and drinking?

[AA1994]

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I'm sorry you're in pain. As far as dating goes, the only thing you two should be discussing are rules as far as what is best for the children. Such as not allowing the children to meet a new dating prospect until the union is serious. You two should no longer be discussing your personal lives with each other. Keep all topics to co-parenting only. You say you want her back, yet a person normally thinks long and hard about breaking up a longstanding union like this, especially when children are involved. 

I'm assuming either she asked for improvements which never happened, or that one or both of you lost an emotional connection for whatever reason, and she came to a point of no longer caring or outgrowing the relationship.

She's not too bright, failing to give herself time to learn who she is solo, since she's been with you since teen years. But you can't control what she does, so she will live and learn. You will just have to let her know you don't want to hear about her romantic life until it's decided the new man will meet the children, so you are ensuring the children's wellbeing by learning who this man is who will be around them. 

I just read your update. Probably too little too late. From my own experience, when a woman is done, she's plain done. Keep up with your improvements regardless. This will benefit you in the present and future. You were probably just used to her being around, and are likely fooling yourself that you truly loved her, otherwise, you would've improved far earlier to be the partner she deserved. But you're right that you have to love yourself before loving anyone else properly, so that's a good goal to work on for any future relationship you embark on. Take care.

 

Its my fault, i ask questions and shes honesty enough to give answers. I know i should now keep contact to children only and keep it that way. I have a lot of issues that I needed to address from a young age as to which i am currently in therapy for. I did and do love her, shes so special. Theres nobody like her that ive met before. She’s such an amazing person and i completley messed it up, never forgive myself for it. I need to get a reconciliation out of my head but im clinging on to the 1% chance she will see how much progress ive made. I dont know why

[AA1994]

3 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'm so sorry, and my heart goes out to you. Three years is an awfully long engagement. How much of that time were you depressed and drinking?

Probably the whole time, got worse when we had children after been together five years. Rarely drunk when they were home but my mum used to have them two nights a week and i would just drink in the house rather than spend time with her

[boltnrun]

She waited years for you to make changes but you didn't. Now that she's gone you suddenly want to change? She may view it as too little too late.

You didn't appreciate who you had until she was gone. 

Keep up the good work on your health. It's good for you even if she does not choose to reconcile.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, AA1994 said:

Probably the whole time, got worse when we had children after been together five years. Rarely drunk when they were home but my mum used to have them two nights a week and i would just drink in the house rather than spend time with her

Okay, you're answering your own question about why she 'appears' to have moved forward quickly. It hasn't been quick for her. She's been languishing in this partnership for years while enabling you to get worse instead of better. You weren't even well enough to notice the point at which she actually checked out and started noticing other men to potentially date--it could have been years ago. It just took her this long to plan her exit and follow through with it.

I once heard a psychologist say that the typical divorce process actually starts on a mental and emotional level about two years prior to one of the partners leaving. So from the outside looking in, friends and family might find it sudden, even while one or both partners have been mentally preparing themselves to get out for a very long time.

Whenever it seems sudden to one of the partners, it's either because they haven't been paying attention to the deterioration of the relationship, OR, the exiting partner did a marvelous job of maintaining a reasonably happy face during their position on the homefront, even while they were miserable and planning to leave.

My heart goes out to you, and please write more if it helps.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, could be a number of reasons she has moved on this fast.... She had mentally & emotionally already checked out long before she left..

My kids boss is going thru a divorce right now as well.  He was acting different at the workplace for a couple months before he admitted their divorce.  Right away he was out dating .. taking anything that would look his way.  It's now been almost 10 mos and he's prolly with gal #3 or 4 .

So, she may be with someone right now, but is a good possibility it won't last.  She still may have a few inner demons to work out 😉 .  Who knows....

Either way, to her, she's done with this relationship and I'm sorry for this.  It's never easy 😕 .  So give yourself time to work on accepting it and take care of yourself and kids ❤️ .

You're not alone ... many of us have been thru the pains as well.  We get it.

In time, things will not be as rough as they are right now.

[AA1994]

Ive just found out shes gone back to the hotel with. Im struggling i cant do this

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, AA1994 said:

Ive just found out shes gone back to the hotel with. Im struggling i cant do this

How did you find this out? Why don't you call your AA sponsor and talk it over. Unfortunately you are hoping a bit of good behavior makes up for years of neglect but she ended the relationship and doesn't want to reconcile.

[AA1994]

Aa sponsor? I have had 3 nights out in 8 weeks and not drank in the house once. I drank twice a week its was nothing ridiculous just bothered her

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, AA1994 said:

Ive just found out shes gone back to the hotel with

How did you find this out? 

It sounds to me like she had mentally checked out of your relationship quite a long time ago. Things didn't seem to be progressing if you were engaged for 3 years and still hadn't gotten married so I get why she wanted to move on. 

It's hard but you will need to stop asking about her dating life. There is no reason you need to know she's spending the night in a hotel with someone else. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, AA1994 said:

Ive just found out shes gone back to the hotel with. Im struggling i cant do this

Probably best to ask the pot stirrer who has reported this to stop meddling and stop telling you stuff about her.

[boltnrun]

Is someone watching her and reporting back to you?

[smackie9]

She had mentally stepped out of your relationship for quite some time, that's how. People just go through the motions/keep up appearances, while trying to sort out their feelings about the relationship. It happens for different reasons like boredom, growing apart, affection for someone new, lack of compatibility, in a rut, etc. 

You need to stop feeling so defeated from watching what she's doing. Focus on YOU, and get busy rebuilding your life.