Plans to settle down

[Jupana]

My boyfriend (29) and I (28) have been together for 6 yrs, 7 in June. 

Over the last 2 yrs I felt my interest to settle down with him grow and so I have been hinting at finding a place together, starting conversations on living together and eventually getting married. 

When we have such discussions we both seem to want the same things. He emphasizes I am a big part of  his life & cannot imagine his future without me.

However, when it comes to actually getting serious about purchasing property together, he backs out. He has this particular interest in purchasing a specific property which he has always wanted since he was younger and is very adamant to work for it before committing to any other with me. 

I understand it has now become common practise for individuals to buy their own property  (I myself have come across a few which id love to buy on my own) but feels unnatural considering how long we have been together. I understand one is free to do whatever makes them happy and to have support from partner but aren't we meant to be thinking of our future together at this stage?

All our friends are getting married and living their life while we are stuck because of this issue. He has joined me with viewing of other property but only out of interest or support..he is not really keen to purchasing any other if not the one/location he has put his eyes on.

Any thoughts / advice on this? How I can perhaps help him understand. I really don't wish to be held back. 

 

 

[Batya33]

Why would you buy property with someone you are not married to? Why is buying property together so important to you? When would your wedding ceremony be? Are  you engaged? If not why not since he says he wants to spend his life with you? We've been married 15 years and have a child.  We did not live together before marriage.  We rent an apartment. To me the true commitment as a couple was getting engaged -officially -meaning ring and planned wedding -and getting married.

[Jupana]

@Batya33 no we are not engaged. I understand your point of view and I agree that getting married is the most meaningful commitment. My concern is that there seems to be no effort for our future goals yet, even after 7 yrs. 

 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Jupana said:

@Batya33 no we are not engaged. I understand your point of view and I agree that getting married is the most meaningful commitment. My concern is that there seems to be no effort for our future goals yet, even after 7 yrs. 

 

 

 

 

It's one particular future goal -purchasing property - if that is how you measure marital readiness or commitment for sure you do you - I've never owned real property -I'm 57 -no desire to.  I wouldn't have related to or liked being pressured to buy property with someone and never ever would have before marriage- way too risky IMO. What are your goals about children, if any? When to get married? Where to live, geographically? 

If you have this hard and fast rule that your future goals must include buying property together then he doesn't seem to feel the same way about property.  How does he feel about what I wrote above? Surely if you're considering marriage you've discussed all this?

[boltnrun]

I don't know that it's required to be married to purchase property together. I never wanted to get married (but did, and then got divorced 15 years later!) but I have always wanted to own a home. Sadly, I have never accomplished this.

However, it seems like you do indeed want to get married to your boyfriend. Do you feel that buying a home together is a progressive step that will lead to marriage? If so, I agree that it isn't really a great idea, especially since there doesn't seem to be any concrete plans to get married. 

I would definitely confirm with your boyfriend that a marriage is going to happen. And if he waffles or deflects or says "someday", I advise you don't proceed with buying a property together. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Jupana said:

. My concern is that there seems to be no effort for our future goals yet, even after 7 yrs.

Where are you both living now? Can you get an apartment together? That may be better especially in a conflicted relationship so you can see what you're getting into. Is this the same man?

 

[TeeDee]

Unless you are doing it as a business venture & have contingency plans in writing about how one of you can back out of the deal never buy real estate with somebody you are not married to.  

He's not in any big hurry.  That alone needs to be a red flag for you.  You need to move forward in your life.  Buy a property.  Put down roots.  See if he follows.  He might not. 

I wasted my 20s on a non committal guy.  By the time I met & married my husband, it was physically too late for me to have kids.  Learn from my mistake.  Don't let him hold you back & stop waiting for him

[smackie9]

I suggest you two rent a place together and see if you can live together. Doesn't matter how many years you have been together...living together is a whole different ball game. I will tell you this...the adjustment will be difficult for the first year. I think you should take that step first before deciding on others. 

[Jupana]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where are you both living now? Can you get an apartment together? That may be better especially in a conflicted relationship so you can see what you're getting into. Is this the same man?

 

Yes. To note I did not have any of the past issues ever since I put my foot down.

 

[Coily]

What about this property is he fixated on? Or is it deferral to committing on his part?

 

[Jupana]

28 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Unless you are doing it as a business venture & have contingency plans in writing about how one of you can back out of the deal never buy real estate with somebody you are not married to.  

He's not in any big hurry.  That alone needs to be a red flag for you.  You need to move forward in your life.  Buy a property.  Put down roots.  See if he follows.  He might not. 

I wasted my 20s on a non committal guy.  By the time I met & married my husband, it was physically too late for me to have kids.  Learn from my mistake.  Don't let him hold you back & stop waiting for him

I've been viewing property with the intention of buying on my own as an investment and also potential residence since I intend to move out of my current home (currently living in a villa with just my mother - can't complain). But I don't wish to be held back because of somebody else. I always wonder how one doesn't feel the desire to start planning the future together esp since he himself is looking into/negotiating his own property. 

[Jupana]

1 minute ago, Coily said:

What about this property is he fixated on? Or is it deferral to committing on his part?

 

It is an ambitious one, one above both our budgets but he insists he will manage on his own. There must be a limit to how much one should wait for a guy to get serious?

[Jupana]

17 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I suggest you two rent a place together and see if you can live together. Doesn't matter how many years you have been together...living together is a whole different ball game. I will tell you this...the adjustment will be difficult for the first year. I think you should take that step first before deciding on others. 

Might have this opportunity next year for work related reasons. Might not be such a bad idea after all 

[Coily]

7 minutes ago, Jupana said:

It is an ambitious one, one above both our budgets but he insists he will manage on his own. There must be a limit to how much one should wait for a guy to get serious?

Is he familiar with the concept of a "Starter Home?" Having seen two couples get in this "forever home" non-sense, and they both end up divorced, it's time to see if he's willing to settle now, for great things later.

After 6 years... One should know if you both are on the same page as where you want the relationship to go. It's not rocket science.

I'm not going to steer you one way or the other, but I'll ask; do you think any of this will change with the ideal property? Or just through marriage?

[Kwothe28]

Same man i pressume

Guy is literally the abuser. And you have considered of ending things. Getting into something that would tie you moneteraly with him would be even more detrimental for you. You are suppose to cut ties with the abuser, not make more ties so you cant get out.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know that it's required to be married to purchase property together. I never wanted to get married (but did, and then got divorced 15 years later!) but I have always wanted to own a home. Sadly, I have never accomplished this.

However, it seems like you do indeed want to get married to your boyfriend. Do you feel that buying a home together is a progressive step that will lead to marriage? If so, I agree that it isn't really a great idea, especially since there doesn't seem to be any concrete plans to get married. 

I would definitely confirm with your boyfriend that a marriage is going to happen. And if he waffles or deflects or says "someday", I advise you don't proceed with buying a property together. 

It’s not. I think in most states at least in US it’s riskier financially from all I can see. Unless I guess there are airtight legal type documents. Have no idea. Never wrote or meant it was required to be married to buy property with a significant other. Of course it’s not. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Jupana said:

Might have this opportunity next year for work related reasons. Might not be such a bad idea after all 

In my situation living together would have given me irrelevant information and likely unrealistic expectations. We became parents 3 months after marriage and lived for awhile in my rental. 550 square feet. It worked out just fine but living with a newborn and new husband is different from living together as a couple. My mom and sister each didn’t live with their husbands before marriage. Neither did my two close friends who married in their 20s. Both still married. I’ve seen couples live together then marry and not get along. I think it depends on being on the same page as to why you’re living together as far as its relevance to marriage. My husband and I spent many nights together at each others apartments which isn’t the same but we did many daily routines together. 

[boltnrun]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It’s not. I think in most states at least in US it’s riskier financially from all I can see. Unless I guess there are airtight legal type documents. Have no idea. Never wrote or meant it was required to be married to buy property with a significant other. Of course it’s not. 

I agree that "required" wasn't the right word for me to use. Maybe "preferable"?  Or "wiser"?

My cousin has been with her partner for over 25 years. They own two homes together. They are not married. I think buying separate properties hasn't even occurred to them. But their commitment to one another is clear and obvious.

OP, based on what you've written your boyfriend's commitment to your future together doesn't match yours. You say he mentions being together but has he said "Yes, I intend for us to get married"?

If he told you he wants to buy separate properties and he won't commit to marrying you, would you choose to remain in this relationship?

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I agree that "required" wasn't the right word for me to use. Maybe "preferable"?  Or "wiser"?

My cousin has been with her partner for over 25 years. They own two homes together. They are not married. I think buying separate properties hasn't even occurred to them. But their commitment to one another is clear and obvious.

OP, based on what you've written your boyfriend's commitment to your future together doesn't match yours. You say he mentions being together but has he said "Yes, I intend for us to get married"?

If he told you he wants to buy separate properties and he won't commit to marrying you, would you choose to remain in this relationship?

Good question. I respect your opinion. I think buying property and or mingling finances prior to marriage is too risky without airtight legal documents. Not wrong. Just IMO unnecessarily risky. . I agree if the couple never plan to marry and never want to marry that’s different. That’s not this situation. And it’s even riskier because he says a lot of commitment type verbiage. And has never acted on it by proposing marriage. So either he sees them together in a committed non marital relationship or he doesn’t want to marry her - especially if she’s going to insist on buying property together before marriage or the specific property she said she is interested in. 

[Jaunty]

It doesn't sound like you have and realistic future goals together.  You "seem to want the same things" and he "can't imagine life without you" but nothing is in place to assure your futures being commingled.  

Quite a few things should already be in place before people take the step of buying property together.   I don't think it's necessary to be married but it really isn't the first formal step to take.

Maybe rent together.  See how that pans out.  

[Batya33]

OP how much of this is you letting it get to you as far as all your friends are "settling down?"

[Cherylyn]

Unless you're married,  it's not advisable to purchase property together. 

It doesn't sound like he's that serious about you as words are cheap and actions speak louder than words. 

He won't change for you because every single time you broach the subject about real estate purchases together,  he suddenly gets cold feet all over again.

You need to rethink your relationship.  He's most likely comfortable with how things are and doesn't have sincere intentions of following through with a legal commitment together.  Once you realize and accept how he is,  hopefully,  this will give you more clarity. 

Accept his stance and how he is or exit the relationship and be with a man who is very much marriage minded,  wants a house with you,  settle down complete with the white picket fence. 

In other words,  your dreams and the reality of your current relationship with your boyfriend don't align. 😔

[Jaunty]

He has his mind set on some piece of property he wants to buy, and he's certain he can manage it on his own.

You have described a person who is making their own plans with only themselves in mind.  

I have doubts that he seriously plans on the two of you being together for the long haul.  Otherwise I would think that some of the pieces would have fallen into place by this time.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If he told you he wants to buy separate properties and he won't commit to marrying you, would you choose to remain in this relationship?

This ^^^ is the key question I'd ask of myself--not a bunch of strangers who cannot speak to your specific experience and goals. This is about YOUR life and the future you envision for yourself.

I'd get clear about exactly what I want from a partner after nearly 7 years, and then speak with him to learn where he stands right NOW. If his immediate goals don't align with yours, decide whether you want to stay or go. If you choose to stay, then here you are. If you choose to go, then the next question becomes "When?"

[Cherylyn]

After 7 years,  he's set in his ways.  Either accept him as is or move onto someone else who is on the same page as you.