Jupana

Might have this opportunity next year for work related reasons. Might not be such a bad idea after all

It is an ambitious one, one above both our budgets but he insists he will manage on his own. There must be a limit to how much one should wait for a guy to get serious?

I've been viewing property with the intention of buying on my own as an investment and also potential residence since I intend to move out of my current home (currently living in a villa with just my mother - can't complain). But I don't wish to be held back because of somebody else. I always wonder how one doesn't feel the desire to start planning the future together esp since he himself is looking into/negotiating his own property.

Yes. To note I did not have any of the past issues ever since I put my foot down.

@Batya33 no we are not engaged. I understand your point of view and I agree that getting married is the most meaningful commitment. My concern is that there seems to be no effort for our future goals yet, even after 7 yrs.

My boyfriend (29) and I (28) have been together for 6 yrs, 7 in June. Over the last 2 yrs I felt my interest to settle down with him grow and so I have been hinting at finding a place together, starting conversations on living together and eventually getting married. When we have such discussions we both seem to want the same things. He emphasizes I am a big part of his life & cannot imagine his future without me. However, when it comes to actually getting serious about purchasing property together, he backs out. He has this particular interest in purchasing a specific property which he has always wanted since he was younger and is very adamant to work for it before committing to any other with me. I understand it has now become common practise for individuals to buy their own property (I myself have come across a few which id love to buy on my own) but feels unnatural considering how long we have been together. I understand one is free to do whatever makes them happy and to have support from partner but aren't we meant to be thinking of our future together at this stage? All our friends are getting married and living their life while we are stuck because of this issue. He has joined me with viewing of other property but only out of interest or support..he is not really keen to purchasing any other if not the one/location he has put his eyes on. Any thoughts / advice on this? How I can perhaps help him understand. I really don't wish to be held back.

Hi @boltnrun - He did apologise multiple times, we had spent some time apart to focus on our next steps and he had approached me himself to apologise and also with plan of action on how he intends to change things for the better from his end.

Gozo- and people I'm dealing with are over 60 yrs of age 🙄

As such we always attend events together. The issue arises when it comes to attending alone... and most of the fuss comes from his family not him. But he should back me up

Thanks. Thats in fact what I've been doing recently and everything's so much better. I guess these people don't like it when they're ignored !

He attends all my family events

Just wondering whether it is possible to maintain boundaries and relationship without these "toxic" people since they are part of family - or whether it is completely impossible to have such situation in a functioning relationship.. just some mind bogging thoughts

@Andrina The brief conversation I had with one of the relatives was over the phone. My bf has actually been stepping up for me and they are not liking this change in him towards them -but I am. I have to point out that not all of his family are like this - some are actually really nice and understanding, never having been disrespectful once with words or actions. I'm trying to just do what's good for me and saying no to what doesn't serve me. It's challenging not to overrhink but I've been feeling way better.

Hi everyone, just felt like I could share an update after receiving so much support on the matter last time. After having had a long serious discussion with my bf last time as per my last post, things have improved as effort is consistent from his end to make sure the focus remains on us and to leave family out of the picture whenever possible. I myself am feeling much calmer and less anxious too. My sisters wedding is fast approaching and i can't wait for the day. My bf is very supportive and happy about it as well. However I recently checked in with his relatives (who were part of the issue ) to confirm their attendance (out of respect my sister wanted to invite) and his aunt in particular told me that she feels out of place to attend knowing I've been purposely ignoring her and leaving her out of the picture. I have explained that it may be a result of the decision my bf and i took to focus more on us but she kept insisting on how things changed and that I'm not the same person anymore (which is a good thing- no ;)? ) I have tried to logically explain things but she kept going on how i no longer go over and call (I used to fact check and stayed chasing truths before...) but she kept inviting my bf and I are heading for disaster as acc to her we are not meeting up so often. I'm fine with her not attending as after all it's her choice but I'm just wondering- in the long run- is this a problem or is it normal to not get along with all family members.. is it something that could potentially break up my relationship and is it something I should seek as a red flag? Thanks always

I have laid my cards on the table with him this evening. I've explained how I felt and he has acknowledged his actions are wrong by involving his family and towards me. He also mentioned points on which he is willing to improve and change. Will give some time to see if it materialises..if not I intend to work on an exit plan out of this relationship.

@reinventmyself I used to know him before we started dating. I used to have a number of social circles when I was at university. When we started dating, he used to imply I had a fling eith my course mates, unless I re-assure him I did not. Guess he had his own insecurities to begin with. Re protection- he always played the victim..that my family are excluding him which is why he is always so fussy about my family events. Once he was invited and couldn't attend and I still joined and he made a big deal out of it. And I never heard the end of it.

@reinventmyself Re trust, he has always been this way. I remember him even asking me who the people sending me birthday requests on Facebook are (they would have been old colleage friends who kept in contact via fb). Since the beginning he used to be weary of events I attend and I strongly believe that his family's beliefs are worse than his. If they say something is unacceptable either he or his family tell me how unacceptable it is. There are no cultural beliefs here. Just some old traditional beliefs. But in this day and age one needs to have his/her own freedom irrespective of whether you are in a relationship or not.

@Starlight925 thank you for your message, it is encouraging.

No, I did not used to find his protection attractive. But it is my character to try and sit with person and try reason things out. I've always felt it wasn't completely right but I'm the type of person that tries to talk things through and give a second chance. The issue here is that it keeps on happening after some months and it takes a toll on me mentally. I now have my eldest sisters wedding approaching and really want things to be cleared out.

Thank you for your assistance. I will look into it and take necessary steps.

He is different when he is alone - when it's just us two. He reasons and is usually OK. It's only when his family are involved or informed that trouble crops up. I don't understand why he has to involve family family time - this is why I was going to try have a talk with him before considering ending things.

@Wiseman2 thank you for your thoughts on this. We do not live together, we have been seeing each other for almost 6 years (In June). He is 28 yrs old and I am 27 yrs old. I find it difficult to let go, because when I speak to my boyfriend alone he understands and gives me reason. But then he tends to speak to his family and it escalates from there. Do you advise I speak to his family about this?

Need some advice. My boyfriend has a very protective/conservative family and I feel it is impacting our relationship a bit too much now after almost 6 years together. Whenever I have events with work friends or family members, I get alot of pressure to refuse joining specifically whenever my boyfriend can't make it. Or even when it's mixed genders. I get pressure from my boyfriend and then escalates to his family when I try insist on my point or show desire to attend, even though I would have explained who would be attending. I've had to choose him in the past and refuse showing up to events just to prove that I care about him and not cause any tension with his family. It was a case of - if I can't be there you can't go if you respect me! But in the long run, it has caused some problems with mine as they see me problematic everytime we get to plan events together. I am always left struggling in the middle and it is getting to me after all this time. I acknowledge that there is lack of trust but any tips on how I can go about it? I have decided to speak with my boyfriend properly about this to tell him how badly it has affected me but I'm not sure if i should also speak to his family so that they can also facilitate the issue from their end? His family members find it "unacceptable" for me to spend time with my family members (e.g sisters with their boyfriends) when he is not around and expect me to leave and join him instead - just to show that I choose him. Whenever I actually get to rub it off and spend time with my family, I get called names by my boyfriend and even his family, telling me not to ever contact them again or to get our of their lives. Then after havijg to explain myself from top to bottom, they end up apologising and expect me to get over the hurt ASAP. This has happened more than once, and I am now fed up because I know it is a matter of time before it happens again. I was recently considering ending things altogether but in such case not sure if it's best to try address the family first? Thanks