Aggressive tone

[whitelotus2023]

My gf (f40) and I (m40) have been together for 2.5 yrs.  We argue a lot.  For me, a big trigger is the tone of voice that she speaks to me in.  Often I find her tone and approach unnecessarily negative and aggressive even when we are getting along just fine.   I suggested today a movie and she says "no I've seen that it was ***" , I suggest another "No I don't want to watch a WAR movie in the middle of the day" As I've mentioned it is much more the tone than the content a lot of the time.   If I bring it up she says that's who she is, that's the way she talks, I'm not going to turn her into "some meek person that tiptoes around".  It makes me uncomfortable and I feel immediately deflated.  She doesn't see anything wrong with it so how do we proceed ? 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, whitelotus2023 said:

.   If I bring it up she says that's who she is, that's the way she talks, I'm not going to turn her into "some meek person that tiptoes around".  It makes me uncomfortable and I feel immediately deflated. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Is her "tone" new? It seems like a power struggle. She seems resentful overall which may be reflected in her tone but telling her how to speak is equally bad.  Why not ask her what's really bothering her?

[whitelotus2023]

We do live together. It's not new.  A lot of the time I don't think anything is really bothering her and she'll say latest to that.  It's just that her presentation comes across as overly aggressive and negative.  As I've said it makes me feel deflated. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, whitelotus2023 said:

We do live together. It's not new.  A lot of the time I don't think anything is really bothering her and she'll say latest to that.  It's just that her presentation comes across as overly aggressive and negative.  As I've said it makes me feel deflated. 

I'd use I statements and use a curious not furious tone.  "I feel disrespected when you speak to me in that tone of voice" - if she cares she will want to at least know why you feel that way.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, whitelotus2023 said:

We do live together. It's not new.  A lot of the time I don't think anything is really bothering her and she'll say latest to that.  It's just that her presentation comes across as overly aggressive and negative.  As I've said it makes me feel deflated. 

And you choose to remain in this relationship with her because....????

There is a popular saying that I agree with:

"We teach people how to treat us."

[rainbowsandroses]

@whitelotus2023, below is how we teach people how to treat us; I am not sure who wrote it, it may have been Dr. Phil McGraw but not sure:

You teach people how to treat you by setting clear boundaries, defining your expectations, expressing emotions empathetically, and exiting situations you find unacceptable. Teaching people how you want to be treated starts with yourself. You may need to first define what works and doesn't work for you..

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, whitelotus2023 said:

We do live together. It's not new.  A lot of the time I don't think anything is really bothering her and she'll say latest to that.

Unfortunately you live together. So perhaps try couples counselling for better communication. It actually does sound like something is bothering her if it's in response to for example  suggesting movies you know she hates.

Perhaps make sure you're both clear and straight forward including reframing from passive aggressive approaches on both your parts. 

[smackie9]

I too am going to suggest counselling to see if you both can learn to communicate better. You can't keep living like this so take a shot at it. If it doesn't change anything end the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, whitelotus2023 said:

.   I suggested today a movie and she says "no I've seen that it was ***" , I suggest another "No I don't want to watch a WAR movie in the middle of the day" 

Please get 2 TV's rather than suggesting stuff she hates and wondering why she replied in an annoyed "tone". Pick your battles and don't start arguments over nonsense about what movie to watch.

Also don't play parent and tell her how she's allowed to speak. It's good she put you in your place for both these things. Try to get along better. 

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, whitelotus2023 said:

I'm not going to turn her into "some meek person that tiptoes around".

8 hours ago, whitelotus2023 said:

A lot of the time I don't think anything is really bothering her and she'll say latest to that.  It's just that her presentation comes across as overly aggressive and negative.

I find that to be the key revealing part of this. This isn't about you, it's about her. She has somehow got it in her mind that she has to appear tough and aggressive. To be otherwise is to be meek and show weakness. Is there anything in her past that might have caused this attiude?

If she has always been this way, then this is who she is. The question you should ask yourself is how much you are willing to put up with? You can calmly try to diffuse situations as they arise, not raising to the bait of her starting these arguements. If you react in anger yourself, you are just giving her fuel to continue being more aggressive in order to prove (mostly to herself) how "strong" she is. You can tiptoe around yourself, afraid to say anything for fear of starting another fight. Or you can examine if this relationship is really healthy for you. If simply suggesting a movie as a way to spend time together is a landmine that will set her off, how will you be able to handle the really tough issues that come in relationships?

 

[ShySoul]

https://abbymedcalf.com/how-to-handle-aggressive-or-confrontational-people/

Think this might help. Understand how you are feeling about their behavior. Understand why they act this way. And be assertive in communicating your needs.

"There are lots of reasons why people are confrontational or aggressive. I’d say that almost all of them come down to control. They fear losing control and/or want more control (again, from fear) in a given situation."

"Think about it: someone who has high confidence and self-esteem never feels the need to threaten, lose their *** or react defensively. This aggressive person is showing you their low self-esteem and inability to manage themselves. It’s sad..."

"Hold your boundary. Be clear about what specific responses you’ll have if they continue to act this way with you in this conversation, and then follow through!"

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, whitelotus2023 said:

.   I suggested today a movie and she says "no I've seen that it was ***" , I suggest another "No I don't want to watch a WAR movie in the middle of the day" 

Being passive aggressive is worse than her honestly expressing her annoyance at it. Being passive aggressive is cowardly and sneaky and tries to irk people while feigning being the good guy and making the other person look like the ogre.  

[ShySoul]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Being passive aggressive is worse than her honestly expressing her annoyance at it. Being passive aggressive is cowardly and sneaky and tries to irk people while feigning being the good guy and making the other person look like the ogre.

Do we know this was passive aggresive? Do we know he was trying to make himself look like a hero while trying to irritate her? Or perhaps he just wanted to spend time with her and watch a movie together so made a suggestion that was greated with anger? 

Whitelotus, you're the only one here who actually knows and interacts with her. You know what your aim was in bringing up the movie or the things you say to her. And you know the pattern of her responses. So ask youself if her responses are justified or if they are a reflection of something deeper going on within her. Then ask yourself if this is something you want to deal with. As things are, it is not healthy for either of you. It's up to you to decide what you wish to do about it.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Or perhaps he just wanted to spend time with her and watch a movie together so made a suggestion that was greated with anger? 

This is avoidable with 2 TV's. He can watch the movies he already knows she hates and they can both get some "me time" away from each other's antagonism.  It's a power struggle. He's covert about it and she's overt about it. 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, whitelotus2023 said:

She doesn't see anything wrong with it

She doesnt see anything wrong with it because she is one of those "my way or the highway" kind of people. Meaning that she thinks that its you who should just accept her awful behavior or get out. Which by the frequency of arguing is exactly what you should be doing. Leaving all of this and letting her and her awful behavior do whatever she wants. Alone.

[MissCanuck]

What other problems exist in the relationship? 

[Dancer Candy]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is avoidable with 2 TV's. He can watch the movies he already knows she hates and they can both get some "me time" away from each other's antagonism.  It's a power struggle. He's covert about it and she's overt about it. 

Yeah that's making some huge assumptions here. Your confidence here isn't based on anything real

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, Dancer Candy said:

Yeah that's making some huge assumptions here. Your confidence here isn't based on anything real

Since you're not offering insight or advice regarding the OP, what's the point of this ridiculous post? . Please review this especially items #2 and 10

https://www.enotalone.com/guidelines/

[Andrina]

I really don't get why you two have stayed together if this is the way it's always been, that she is frank, you don't like her tone and are triggered, and arguing happens a lot. She knows you're unhappy with her "as is" and she's unwilling to change, so it's obvious you two will continue on in the same pattern. Finding someone attractive and caring are not the only elements it takes for a fully satisfying life with a person. 

If couples counseling doesn't work or she's not willing to attend with you, it's clear it's time to admit you two, like oil and water, cannot blend.

[rainbowsandroses]

20 hours ago, whitelotus2023 said:

For me, a big trigger is the tone of voice that she speaks to me in.  Often I find her tone and approach unnecessarily negative and aggressive even when we are getting along just fine...

^^ @whitelotus2023my late mum taught me "often times it's not what you say but how you say it."    The tone etc.  it makes a huge difference in how others receive what you're saying and how they respond.

Here, her aggressive, rude and disrespectful tone has been a pattern throughout your relationship, this is who she IS.

It had/has nothing to do with suggesting the war movie, that waa simply one example of a longstanding unacceptable pattern of behavior.

I've had boyfriends suggest movies I wasn't interested in and there is respectful way to decline the suggestion without such nastiness as she exhibited. 

I really have to ask again why do you stay?  

We are only hearing your side of course but if what you posted were her true words then yeah, it was disrespectful and if me in your shoes after you requested that she speak to you in a more respectful tone, she responded with: 

"That's the way I talk, I'm not going to turn into "some meek person that tiptoes around."

I would be gone!  There is no resolving, working things out or compromising with a person like this. 

Please consider leaving and introspecting into why you chose to tolerate this and stay as long as you did. 

I refer back to my previous post about "we teach people how to treat us" which starts with yourself.

 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Being passive aggressive is worse than her honestly expressing her annoyance at it. Being passive aggressive is cowardly and sneaky and tries to irk people while feigning being the good guy and making the other person look like the ogre.  

Why so accusatory, Wise? Having a bad day?

It's perfectly valid to feel stung by someone's tone, and in this case the nasty words align with it. I'd find an appropriate time to ask her what's been making her so unhappy lately. If she snaps at you for the question, you can tell her that she's proving your point, and to let you know when she's willing for the two of you to speak with one another through mutual respect with a goal of solving a problem together.

If she decides that she's not willing to do that, then what, exactly, do you have left to build on? it makes no sense to remain involved with someone who's sole interest in you is to demonstrate contempt. If she's not willing to partner with you to be on the same side, I'd pull the plug on this.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Dancer Candy said:

Yeah that's making some huge assumptions here. Your confidence here isn't based on anything real

I agree. It makes no sense to pummel someone here for asking a question. It's supposed to be what we're here for.

[yogacat]

Either it is her personality or she is resenting you in some way. So when you suggest something, and she knows you don't necessarily take her answer as something that will make both of you happy considering her tone, she has an attitude.

You could first ask if there is anything going on that is causing her to be so negative and argumentative, see if there is a cause for all this.

But barring that from being an explanation, you could take your approach different whereby instead of focusing on the idea that she speaks negatively to you, you could take responsibility for managing your own responses and attitude about it. You can choose not to be triggered by her tone, whether it is her personality or she is mad at you.

For example, if she is poking you hard, and you respond negatively, it will perpetuate this interaction as it will turn into a sequence of negative bickering and tone-policing. Instead, it can go like, "Hey, I suggested this and that, not a biggy if it doesn't fit your mood, maybe we can just spend some time on the couch and chill out!" and you smile.

The key is not what you do or don't do, it's more about how you do what you do. When she is negative and argumentative, refuses to apologize, dismisses your thoughts as her way of speaking, and refuses to change her tone, the more heavy and aggressive you respond to her tone or words, the more she will refuse to respond differently or admit any fault.

The moment you stop getting triggered by her or stop internalizing her tone as if it has to do with you, the more she will become uncomfortable with her own behaviour and realize something's up.

[Dancer Candy]

On 3/30/2024 at 8:26 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Since you're not offering insight or advice regarding the OP, what's the point of this ridiculous post? . Please review this especially items #2 and 10

https://www.enotalone.com/guidelines/

Well, fine - can you explain why you think this is passive aggressive then?  Because it really doesn't seem to be that way to me.