Ready to freak out on my family

[MissCanuck]

I would work on your own emotional maturity.

[Batya33]

Hope not repetitive but I've seen more second hand when the SO or DIL is pregnant the MIL is you know not prioritized like the woman's own mom.  Obviously they're not married or expecting but given the OP's moms um overprotective tendencies maybe she figures she ingratiates herself so that if a family is planned she can be involved more than the typical MIL.  (I don't think I did this when we were expecting but I mean obviously I spoke with my own mom and sister more about the baby/pregnancy than my MIL- however I felt the whole family was joyous and very included in the whole adventure and experience.  But I've seen bad outcomes where MIL/DIL don't get along and it's exacerbated actually when a baby is on the way.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'll be the odd one out and view this in a different light. These situations rarely go as planned, or end without a hitch.

His parents and sister are having their privacy invaded in a way that's difficult to see and understand. I'm sure she's a nice girl, but that's not the point here.

Why are they not living together?  If they can't swing it,, they need to wait until they're able to.   JMO...

 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Why are they not living together?  If they can't swing it,, they need to wait until they're able to.   JMO...

I am under the impression that they are living together.  All of this angst is over holidays or "family dinners."   I'm assuming that the OP's bro and his girlfriend are attending and this is where the offenses of the mother (catering to dietary restrictions, too many presents)  are occurring.

[boltnrun]

On 3/26/2024 at 7:37 PM, Alex39 said:

this past year she moved in with him, moving across the country to be with him near our family

Yep, they live together.

[Dancer Candy]

On 3/27/2024 at 7:15 AM, Alex39 said:

I see what you all are saying. I do think I should be kinder. I am taking this hard. 

I think my struggle is that I work so immensely hard for my mothers approval and attention and to see this girl come in and just get it without doing anything confuses and upsets me. To see us get treated the same confuses me. 

I really don't think she cares about my mother all that much or what my mother does for her. She's nice but indifferent. She's in it for my brother only. I like the GF. I get along with her. Sometimes, I think she likes me more than my mom, because I'm younger and connects with her more. We aren't enemies. I don't hate her or anything. 

I think because I find my mother's love conditional. It hurts me to see the GF get it for free. I only get it when I act in a way that my mother deems right. 

Moving across the whole country, leaving everything behind is a big deal.  You mom is certainly going out of her way to pave the way for the new arrival.  Also she probably wants this girl to marry your brother, and is doing what she can to make her feel welcome.

BUT I don't think it's wrong for you to feel the way you do.  It's not cool for your mom to make her kids feel ignored.  The thing is, she probably doesn't realize that she's doing it.  I'm certain if you talked with her about it, she'd probably switch gears.  Your her daughter and she loves you.  

Personally, I don't have a great relationship with my own mom, but I know that she wouldn't do anything to actively hurt me.

[SooSad33]

On 3/26/2024 at 10:37 PM, Alex39 said:

But now, my mom and brother have a certain dietary restriction and his girlfriend has another dietary restriction. My father and I have none and we like regular food.  It's like pulling teeth to agree on a menu and my mother is over catering, making sure the girlfriend can eat every dish and feel welcome. When I complain that it's really hard to cater to everyone, she calls me selfish. If I say I don't like a dish, I'm treated like I'm difficult.  I ran around town and bought extra ingredients catering to everyone. Thinking maybe I was selfish. But I don't hear anyone asking what I'd like to eat or how I'd like it prepared to cater to me. My mom now has to alter all our dishes to fit the girlfriend and I don't like some of the alterations. I want regular food. When I expressed this to my mom, she says I am difficult and why can't I just eat modified to make it easy. But I don't have a dietary issue. It doesn't make any sense to me. 

In ways, it sounds like your mom is trying extra hard to welcome the gf and that's okay. She's kinda new there?

Why not bring your own things then for YOU?  Eg dinner rolls, etc.  No harm in that.

Maybe, things will settle down more in time. But for now, mom's just trying hard to make all happy ( except for you, in your opinion) ...

But change can be difficult for all.  You all need to calm down and let things settle more.  I have many sibling and yes, some in the family have dietary restrictions ( specific buns. gravy etc), but there is always 'normal foods' there as well.  

So, maybe it's just a basic 'adjustment period' for you all. Tell your mom you will be bringing some normal foods for yourself, if she won't provide it - you do have that right and see if in time, your mom does settle down with all of this and become more herself again.

Change can be a challenge.( you are not used to any of this).  But in other ways, it sounds like she is a good woman 🙂 .

 

[Kwothe28]

On 3/27/2024 at 3:37 AM, Alex39 said:

My mom has always taken me out for my birthday to buy me a new outfit. It's sort of our special thing. This year, my mom took her out to buy her a new outfit. It really hurt my feelings. Because I'm her daughter. She is new to our family and isn't even married into it. It dismissed our special thing. It's not our thing anymore. 

 

Really? Really? Its not that special because she did the same thing for somebody that should also be a part of a family? Are we really going there Alex?

I get that you dont like your brothers girlfriend and that your mother isnt exactly affectionate human being and one of the reasons(maybe even main one) that you are like you are. Like a kid looking for her approval. But that is not the reason to be jelly and cry how your mommy doesnt love you as much as your new future Sil. 

You dont have to cater to anyone. Not to your mother, not to your brothers girlfriend, not to anyone. You are perfectly fine with making your own meals and making your own vacation plans without them. You dont need their approval for anything. But since you dont get that, you are stuck in this circle where you are like a perpetual child asking for your moms approval for everything. She doesnt like your cooking? Well tough luck, you are still doing it. You dont like their vacation plan? Dont go and plan something else. You are 30+ year old woman. You need to be your own person and not dependant on what your mommy says to you.

[Dancer Candy]

Alternatively, if she's feeling ignored or hurt, she could just talk to her mom about it?

[Alex39]

So my mom and I compromised. I realized I was being too rigid and difficult. I decided to make all desserts that we could all eat, including his girlfriend. I was bring too harsh.  I think my mom realized that it was hard to cater every dish to everyone, so we did our best to make things for everyone. 

In the end, I think my mom saw some truth to what I was saying originally. I slaved away buying expensive special ingredients so that my brothers girlfriend could eat all the desserts. The desserts I had to make were way more time consuming and difficult. 

His girlfriend didn't even eat them the day of. My mom let her know that we specifically made them so she could have them. She didn't eat them. 

I turned to my mom and was like- next time I'm making whatever the heck I want, whether she can eat them or not. 

My mom actually agreed and was a bit taken back why she didn't eat them. And my mom made sure that the dishes for the meal were things she could eat too. I don't think this girl cared at all. I tried to tell my mom this prior, but she didn't listen. I noticed my mom was kind of over it and realizing that catering to her wasn't the exact way to go. 

[Batya33]

Did you check whether she eats dessert ? Dessert isn’t the meal. It’s extra. Why does she have to eat anything? Maybe she wasn’t in the mood. You chose to spend $$$ when you didn’t need to. Last time I checked fresh fruit like apples and bananas etc is dessert. Everyone can eat fruit. Or whatever fruit she can eat. And you can make a fruit salad or simply put out a fruit bowl. Done. And it won’t go to waste. 

[boltnrun]

I get that you love to bake, but as I mentioned before I am charged with bringing desserts to the family Christmas gathering. I don't slave away making special desserts for my vegan niece, nor do I make sugar free dessert for myself! I buy them. Easy peasy. My niece doesn't always eat what I bring, so I just leave it for her to take home if she wants. 

I recommend you buy gluten free or whatever next time. 

And I agree, she isn't mandated to eat what you bring. I don't eat everything at my family gatherings, simply because sometimes I don't feel like eating this or that. It's not a personal slam against whoever made it. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. I slaved away buying expensive special ingredients so that my brothers girlfriend could eat all the desserts. The desserts I had to make were way more time consuming and difficult. His girlfriend didn't even eat them the day of. My mom let her know that we specifically made them so she could have them. She didn't eat them. 

Is your brothers GF on a special diet? Why bother with this? No one is required to eat dessert. Is your mother the type to push food on people or obsessed with food and eating?

So many people are on all sorts of gluten free, vegan, diabetic diets, etc. that every store has all this stuff,so there's no need to "slave away" at anything when your brother can simply pick up something.

BTW, not everyone wants to eat people's "homemade" food for that reason.  And some people don't bake or cook as well as they think.

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I slaved away buying expensive special ingredients so that my brothers girlfriend could eat all the desserts. The desserts I had to make were way more time consuming and difficult. 

His girlfriend didn't even eat them the day of. My mom let her know that we specifically made them so she could have them. She didn't eat them. 

 

Alex - it actually makes me cringe to read this.

You "slaved away"?   OMG.

Your mom told her you made "ALL THE DESSERTS" so that this young woman could eat them?  

Way to lay a huge guilt trip, and what a spectacular example of "GIVE TO GET."  And monumentally passive-aggressive:  you do something "nice" and then turn it around into a way to demonize the person you did the "nice" things for.

And WHO is expected to eat multiple desserts?   As someone else already mentioned, a lot of people won't even eat desserts.  

I so wish that you could see how horrible this kind of behavior is and how you will be pushing all normal, healthy relationships and people out of your life as long as you continue to behave like this.

I bet you don't even get what I'm talking about - why this reflects so horribly on you, while you're sitting there feeling like a martyr over it.

In another thread you mentioned that this woman might "drag him away."  (your brother.)  And your mom is doing all this to assure that they stay close.

I think that it would be the saving grace of their relationship if they can get some healthy distance from all of this type of dynamic.  It would kill anything.

[catfeeder]

I often find myself unable to eat dessert after a meal, and if anyone tried to guilt trip me about that, I’d find it very strange and rude. I gladly accept leftovers and desserts to take with me when they are offered, and I use the return of containers as another social opportunity. I’ll often meet the host to treat them to something.

I’m glad you recognized your harshness, but that hasn’t curbed you quite enough. Your martyrdom is showing, and it’s not a good look.

[Alex39]

I want to clarify. We did not guilt trip her. We didn't expect her to eat it right after her meal. She and my brother took the dessert home. I asked my brother days later about the dessert and if she liked it because we made it to fit her dietary requirements. 

My brother told me how he liked it and said how she never ate it. I don't care that she didn't eat it. I'm just not catering to her anymore. My mother pushed and pushed that we make her comfortable. And she didn't even eat it.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. My mother pushed and pushed that we make her comfortable. And she didn't even eat it.

Please don't be like your mother and push food on people. She is under no obligation to eat the stuff you make. Please stop trying to control people's eating. You did this to the so-called BF and he had stomach cramps and left your house. Worry about your own food intake only. Don't project and control people. 

[Seraphim]

Some people are not dessert eaters. My mom’s brother hasn’t had a dessert in about 40 years. The only dessert my son likes is ice cream. I can’t eat dessert as I am diabetic. All kinds of reasons people don’t eat dessert. 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I want to clarify. We did not guilt trip her.

Guilt trip:

Quote

My mom let her know that we specifically made them so she could have them.

 I guess you got your mom firmly in your corner in your feud against this person.   

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Guilt trip:

 I guess you got your mom firmly in your corner in your feud against this person.   

Why say that -why not just casually say - oh also there is a dessert that is [gluten/nut/whatever free] if you're interested!

I don't have particular allergies and I would be very concerned about cross contamination. My friends with kids with allergies are very concerned about that. For example in my son's former elementary school for the most part we only could bring in prepackage cake/cupcakes etc for bdays so that there was no risk of allergens. Meaning the teacher would know what was in the prepackaged food.  Also I always asked about dietary restrictions and for years there was a sweet girl in my son's class who couldn't eat wheat/nuts etc. 

So yes I went out of my way to purchase something she could enjoy, checked with the teacher and or her mom.  But when I gave out the treats at the class party I just gave her whatever the other treat was.  It had nothing to do- for me -whether she ate it -I wanted her to feel included in the celebration and be comfortable with a packaged, safe for her treat. I know -a child - but I'd been the same exact with an adult. 

I've been in situations where I was iffy about how long the homemade food had been out/cross contamination as far as cooties/germs and avoided -was it made particularly for me -no - but I was always uncomfortable if I was asked why -more than very casually -why I wasn't partaking as then I'd make an excuse.

Edited to add I don't see this as catering.  She has dietary restrictions.  Medically based or I don't care if it's a sensory issue.  If you put down special mats in your bathroom for a guest with poor balance or cleaned the downstairs bathroom for a guest with a sprained ankle who couldn't use the stairs is that catering too? 

[boltnrun]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I don't care that she didn't eat it. I'm just not catering to her anymore. My mother pushed and pushed that we make her comfortable. And she didn't even eat it.

Contradicted yourself within a couple of sentences. You ARE upset she wasn't sufficiently appreciative of your "slaving" efforts. 

My brother loves to make stuffing with walnuts. I literally could die if I eat walnuts so he just leaves them out if I'm going to be joining them for the meal. He doesn't make a big deal out of it or call it "catering" to me.

If you're that distraught over it, just buy a special dessert for her next time and leave it at that. No hurt feelings for you. 

[Kwothe28]

On 4/9/2024 at 2:21 PM, Alex39 said:

So my mom and I compromised. I realized I was being too rigid and difficult. I decided to make all desserts that we could all eat, including his girlfriend. I was bring too harsh.  I think my mom realized that it was hard to cater every dish to everyone, so we did our best to make things for everyone. 

But why? I rarely eat fish except if its a filet kind(I hate all that skin and to separate it and small bones). So, in lots of cases when its a Patron Saint day when its Lenten food(I hope I translated it good, if its Wednesday or Friday when its Patron Saints Day its lenten food day and it means food like fish, beans, lenten cookies etc) I just dont eat fish. They are not obligated to cater to me, I just eat beans or one of my favorites for lenten food, mashed fava beans.

Nobody will leave hungry if they dont eat dessert. Just make what you want to make  and dont bother with catering to anyone. Last year I make Olivier salad(or Russian salad as we call it here) for New Year. But without a carrot since I dont eat it. And everybody loved it. You dont have to cater to anyone as they are not some food critic that would leave a bad grade in your restaurant so you would have to close it. Even if they dont like it or eat it, there is somebody who will and they will eat something else.

[rainbowsandroses]

First off, I think it's clear you have an extremely unhealthy obsession with food.  Work on that. 

By doing so, you may even lose the extra 75-100 pounds you've been carrying around which losing would be healthier for you physically as well as mentally and emotionally.

I suggest vigorous exercise as a better alternative to obsessing about food, your mother, your brother's girlfriend, your soon to be ex boss - go live your own life and stop obsessing about this BS.  Exercise increases endorphins and helps balance moods, and other mental/emotional imbalances.

Secondly, this is not even about the food, desserts, your mother, your brother's girlfriend, etc etc that's only a symptom of the much larger issue - somewhere along the way, you became entitled, selfish, resentful, bitter and frankly mean and it trickles into and negatively impacts every area of your life. 

You need to find happiness within Alex otherwise you will end up a very bitter and lonely woman, more so than you are now. 

Even now you've received some harsh criticism from many which was/is totally warranted, which it appears like you're ignoring like a petulant child covering her ears going "lalalalalalala" are you even reading? 

Same on all your other threads. 

There's something very serious going on within you that you'd be wise to figure out with the help of a good medical professional.

JMO as always.

All the best. 

[Jaunty]

@Alex - are you even aware that the way you (and evidently your mom) function within relationships is very dysfunctional?   

When I say "relationships" I mean familial, work, friendships, romantic, and probably it extends into the way you deal with your selves. 

Look ... you don't have to be "nice," it's okay if you can't stand somebody.   But you can even be a mean person and be AUTHENTIC.  All the jealousy, judging, manipulation, quest for control,  dishonesty (mostly to yourself) passive-aggression, self centeredness, unrealistic expectations of others,  "measuring up" against other people -

If you go back and look at your threads - almost all of them have the same themes whether they're about your "friends" (who you despise), your boss, a guy you are dating, your mother.  

This is not how it needs to be.

It's gonna wreck your life if you don't acknowledge it and get to the bottom of it with some professional help.

What do you think about this?  

Please acknowledge.

[bluecastle]

12 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm just not catering to her anymore.

With respect, I don't think what you're describing here is "catering to her." That would imply that you sincerely cared about her needs and, as one does when they sincerely care about another's needs, did their best to meet to them. 

A more accurate description above, I think, might be "catering to myself." Or more specifically: "catering to my own deeply unhealthy habits." And if you can rephrase it like that—"I'm just not catering to my own deeply unhealthy habits anymore"—you may find the bitterness eroding, a sincere sense of self-empowerment taking root, and end up a few inches closer to a paradigm shift.

Further explained: Your primary motivation in "catering to her" seems to have nothing to actually do with "her." It was about personal reward, you seeking the great and elusive elixir of appreciation. "OMG, Alex, these desserts are truly the BEST things I've ever eaten THANK YOU so much!" That was the drug being sought. When brother's gf failed to deliver this high, you became itchy, unnerved, upset. 

There is a glaring parallel here with your mother. Much of your life, including this moment, is constructed around "slaving away" to get her to appreciate you, to quench that thirst, fill the void. Sadly, she is not hardwired to dole this out. For emphasis, one way to think of all that would be: Planet earth is shaped like sphere, water turns to ice at 32 degrees, and your mother is not hardwired to dole out the love you crave. These are hard, implacable facts about the world you live in. 

And that third fact is hard to wrap the head and heart around. I get that. Hugs. I've got a parent, my dad, who, while possessed with many lovely qualities, is incapable of delivering the base-level emotional nourishment I crave. There will always be some hurt in me about that, as there will always be some hurt in my left shoulder connected to a nasty bicycle crash in 2010. Thing is, just like I've learned not to sleep on my left side (because it compounds hurt), I've long learned not to engage in magical thinking and back breaking to extract some salve from my father (ditto).

I hope you can get there. You have a lot of life to live yet. While we have very little say in the agonies that befall us in childhood, the saving grace of adulthood is that we get to choose how we react to them.