Ready to freak out on my family

[tattoobunnie]

You were just telling us how horrible this woman is, and now you want her to eat your desserts...

My MIL told my hubs how she wanted to punish me, right around the time she insisted I come over for dinner.  

No thanks.

I would recommend therapy to work on your control issues.

[TeeDee]

@Alex39

You can be annoyed that you bought expensive ingredients & worked to make this woman a dessert she could eat but she didn't even have a bite to be polite.  

What you can't do is keep harping on it.  Next holiday make what you like & forget about it.  

[boltnrun]

I go to a regular chain grocery store that sells vegan, gluten free, sugar free, nut free...just about anything anyone could need. No one has ever given me crap for bringing store bought desserts when someone has a special need. 

You apparently have a REALLY hard time understanding that people will not do what you think they should do or how you would do it. But it might be worthwhile to reflect on whether or not your approach has been working. Do all of those people you constantly criticize have any of the things you say you want WRT a love relationship, a career, good friends, etc.? Maybe you might consider a different approach. Your way has resulted in a lot of frustration, envy and disappointment. 

[MissCanuck]

I think you secretly like that she didn't eat your food. 

Why?

Because it gives you more ammo to complain and have a "told-you-so" moment with Ma. It plays into the martyrdom approach you take in life.

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you secretly like that she didn't eat your food. 

Yes, the triumphant vibe is strong.   

 

[LootieTootie]

Oh Alex... you are your mother's daughter.

I just hope one day you decide that life is not about keeping scores or winning people over but about letting people be and living your own life without a care what others thinks or say.

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, TeeDee said:

@Alex39

You can be annoyed that you bought expensive ingredients & worked to make this woman a dessert she could eat but she didn't even have a bite to be polite.  

What you can't do is keep harping on it.  Next holiday make what you like & forget about it.  

Yes -if she had specifically asked Alex to do so. But she didn't.  My sense is if she senses Alex doesn't like her why would she trust that Alex adhered to the dietary restrictions? I don't like the one bite to be polite kind of thing -people are entitled to say no thanks.  I have a small appetite and if someone tried to make me sample a dessert when I'd had my fill I'd feel ill. 

[Starlight925]

I always make separate batches of everything, including duplicate items, for my SIL, who is gluten free (celiac disease).

I'll buy separate ingredients, use separate dishes, separate mixing spoons, separate plates, because I don't want her to have to miss out.

Never once have I considered it "slaving".  

Nor have I cared if she ate it in front of me.  Never even noticed.  What I did notice is that she always thanks me.

I've missed out on a lot of martyrdom.  I'm starting today, seems like fun.

[boltnrun]

My cousin always made chili with beans. It makes me fart so I didn't eat it. She never complained to other family members or acted wounded because I didn't eat any. Several of my cousins give me candy for Christmas. With nuts. I can't eat it. I don't get offended, I just laugh and then give the candy away. And they don't sit there watching to see if I open the box and eat it. That would be weird. 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/9/2024 at 8:21 AM, Alex39 said:

. I slaved away buying expensive special ingredients so that my brothers girlfriend could eat all the desserts. The desserts I had to make were way more time consuming and difficult. 

Please work on the baking obsessions. It may be your hobby but it's very unhealthy physically and apparently emotionally for you.  

[Alex39]

I want to clarify. I like my brothers girlfriend,  and I don't care at all that she didn't eat my dessert.

I was more mad at my mother because every dessert I said I'd like to make, she reminded me the girlfriend can't eat that, your brother can't eat that, we need things we can all have. And she harped on me and called me selfish and cruel for making things his girlfriend couldn't eat. 

I wracked my brain and spent so much time trying to find things we would all eat. I bought special ingredients and worked hard. And the people I catered to didn't eat the dessert. I don't care that she didn't eat it. I'm not mad at her. I'm not bitter. I'm mad at my mother for insisting I cater to everyone, which was much harder and more expensive to do. 

I learned my lesson. I'm never doing it again. I'm bringing whatever I want next time. 

I'm only mad at myself. My gut told me what to do. My mother always makes me question my own self. This has been a pattern for years. I need to trust myself. I do take her opinion seriously and too much to heart. Her voice changes my inner voice. 

[Alex39]

I don't have an obsession with food or baking. I enjoy cooking and baking as a hobby. It's not enjoyable when you have to make 50 different things to accommodate everyone's preferences. 

[Starlight925]

At the heart of this, Alex, is an unhealthy relationship with your mother.

This isn't about ingredients, or baking, or slaving.

It's about your mother only dripping out affection to you as she sees fit, and because you can never get quite the amount of love, respect, or caring from her that you truly desire, it feels as though the attention she gives to this girlfriend is love that you are supposed to get.

I get it, I promise.  I had a very difficult relationship with my own mother, who couldn't be bothered to attend my college graduation.  But when my sister barely graduated from high school (she had to check the day of graduation to make sure she was on the list), my mother scrambled us all, making us wait until the last minute, then driving like mad to support her as she graduated last in her class, only because the teachers were tired of her.

The only way through this is, and I believe it's been said 10,000 times on your pages:

  Change the dynamic with your mother.  Move her to the periphery of your life.  Cut the time of your calls in half; cut the number of calls to half.  The visits.  Cut them all down to where it's maybe 20% of what it was, and don't even say anything to her about it.  Just be "so so busy" that sorry mom, gotta go.

I'm telling you, that's the only way I got through my life with my mom (now deceased).

I got it down to one Sunday call per week, one hour.  She'd go on and on, and at the 1 hour mark (yes, I checked the time), I'd have X, Y, or Z that I had to get to.  Love you so much mom!  Miss you so much!!  Can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving!  Bye for today!

[boltnrun]

On 4/9/2024 at 5:21 AM, Alex39 said:

So my mom and I compromised. I realized I was being too rigid and difficult. I decided to make all desserts that we could all eat, including his girlfriend. I was bring too harsh.  I think my mom realized that it was hard to cater every dish to everyone, so we did our best to make things for everyone. 

In the end, I think my mom saw some truth to what I was saying originally. I slaved away buying expensive special ingredients so that my brothers girlfriend could eat all the desserts. The desserts I had to make were way more time consuming and difficult. 

His girlfriend didn't even eat them the day of. My mom let her know that we specifically made them so she could have them. She didn't eat them. 

I turned to my mom and was like- next time I'm making whatever the heck I want, whether she can eat them or not...I don't think this girl cared at all. I tried to tell my mom this prior... 

This is what you wrote originally. Now you're blaming your mom? Oh boy...

You're changing your story, Alex. I quoted what you wrote originally and bolded the statements that directly contradict your latest posts. 

I presume you'll hide this thread as per usual. But please don't tell us you didn't write what we all saw. 

At any rate, it is the same old story. You're trying to do what you think your mom wants, and you're resentful of others who have what you want for yourself. I think that's so sad... you're not living your life for you, and you're wasting so much time being unhappy, envious and frustrated. That's no way for a young woman to live. 

How about you do what Alex wants? How about you forget about trying to get Mom to praise you and just do what makes you happy? And how about leaving behind the envy and resentment and go about figuring out how to get the things you want out of life?

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 . My mother always makes me question my own self. This has been a pattern for years. I need to trust myself. I do take her opinion seriously and too much to heart. Her voice changes my inner voice. 

Your mother is the problem. Always has been and always will be until you decide to cut the umbilical cord. Displacing rage you feel towards your mother onto others is ruining your life. 

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I don't have an obsession with food or baking. I enjoy cooking and baking as a hobby. It's not enjoyable when you have to make 50 different things to accommodate everyone's preferences. 

Who says you "have to"? It's your choice to "slave". If you don't enjoy cooking and baking for people don't do it, it's that simple. As an aside a talented cook or baker enjoys the challenge of accommodating special food needs and diets. But it seems you just like being around food you like to eat. 

[Jaunty]

Alex, why don't you re-read your first post on this thread.  You are scathing towards the girlfriend.

It would be a good goal for you to be honest and own up to what you really are feeling instead of backpedaling whenever you get some criticism.

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I don't have an obsession with food or baking. I enjoy cooking and baking as a hobby. It's not enjoyable when you have to make 50 different things to accommodate everyone's preferences. 

I would chalk this off as having chosen to do what your Mom wanted you to do, and instead of getting mad about it, consider it the test run you needed for the outcome that you can hold up to Mom should she try to pester you again.

But the key words above are 'you chose to...'. Instead of deciding that you did it under duress, which removes your power of choice, cop to the fact that you wanted to please your Mom, and you did so. That's not a 'bad' outcome, it was how you opted to handle the conflict.

You came out the hero, and Mom had to eat the fact that she's the one who overcompensated. Now you can put that in your pocket, and next time Mom implies that you are being selfish, you can simply tell her that, no, you've learned your lesson about catering to a non-eater, and if Mom still wants to overcompensate, she's welcome to do that herself. You'll be bringing what you want to serve, and she can make what she would like to serve.

Done deal, and good job. Take your satisfaction where you've earned it.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

like my brothers girlfriend,  and I don't care at all that she didn't eat my dessert.

Wow, what a crock of equine manure. 

Sorry Alex, but it is glaringly obvious you are terribly jealous of her and don't like her - and also that you were mad she didn't want to eat your food. 

Are you also mad at your mom? Sure. But to say you like your brother's girlfriend is rather hilarious since we can all read what you already wrote about her. 

You re-write history a lot in your own mind. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I don't have an obsession with food or baking. I enjoy cooking and baking as a hobby. It's not enjoyable when you have to make 50 different things to accommodate everyone's preferences. 

Who has to make anything? You chose to.  I choose to cater to certain preferences of my son but I have firm boundaries (he used to be really picky and now he is not at all but he has certain preferences) -so if he likes certain spices sprinkled on his turkey sandwich I have it handy,

I do so and if I was out of them - too bad kid! He likes tomato not broccoil in his omelette and my husband likes broccoli but I've never tried to make two separate omelettes or even asked my husband - he likes tomato so I make one omelette with tomato. 

My husband won't eat a certain type of deli meat which I enjoy but eat it rarely. .  I eat them very very rarely and my son doesn't either if he can help it.  So - It wouldn't be fair for me to buy what he won't eat  instead of the turkey we both will eat.

He hates peanut butter.  I love it and love ice cream with it but if I buy icecream with it I also buy ice cream he will enjoy even though it's "extra".  I wouldn't bake cookies with peanut butter for my family even though my son and I love them.  But I also wouldn't go out of my way to bake him special non-pb cookies if the only ingredients I had were for peanut butter.  I'm sure he would find another dessert or treat to enjoy. 

To me allergies and food sensitivites are very different.  I strongly believe in accommodating all allergies.  Deep fried food and very hot/spicy food makes me ill.  I am not allergic.  I have eaten it if I can take the fried part of -like chicken -if we're on a road trip and little else is available. But if someone invited me over and that's all there was I'd eat the sides.  I don't eat raw fish.  I am afraid to.  Typically I can order cooked or vegetarian sushi.  If someone only made raw fish I'd attend and if asked I'd explain I don't eat it but no need to prepare anything specail for me.  if they did it's on them. 

It's a balance but please stop with the "have to" - you have to stop playing the martyr in this instance IMHO.

[Seraphim]

Food allergies and sensitives can be deadly at worst and uncomfortable at minor. For instance if I eat raw nuts though I love them I spend the next few days in the bathroom with it coming out of both ends. If I eat food with too much grease because I have no gallbladder same thing I spend days in the bathroom . Because I am diabetic I try to eat very little sugar or carbs because it can cause permanent damage to my body and or death. At the very least while on diabetic medication eat too much sugar causes me to vomit excessively. 

Food sensitivity or allergy is not meant to “ inconvenience “ people . It can be life and death. We are NOT trying to annoy people . 

[Batya33]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Food allergies and sensitives can be deadly at worst and uncomfortable at minor. For instance if I eat raw nuts though I love them I spend the next few days in the bathroom with it coming out of both ends. If I eat food with too much grease because I have no gallbladder same thing I spend days in the bathroom . Because I am diabetic I try to eat very little sugar or carbs because it can cause permanent damage to my body and or death. At the very least while on diabetic medication eat too much sugar causes me to vomit excessively. 

Food sensitivity or allergy is not meant to “ inconvenience “ people . It can be life and death. We are NOT trying to annoy people . 

When my son was 7 and his grandfather died we had many people over to my inlaws home to pay their respects after the funeral.  Many brought food of some sort or wine, beverages.  A friend of my late FIL brought homemade dessert -some kind of fruit tart.  My son and I were flying back the next day and I was not comfortable having him try a homemade dish from someone I didn't know where he might get sick/be sensitive to it given our flight.  He didn't care at least until she started pressuring me. 

She was annoying.  She took it personally, she pressured me. While I'm trying to keep an eye on my son in the crowds and while I'm trying to help my husband and family host this gathering -and I'm grieving too!

Wow -she went out of her way to make her homemade whatever specialty and wouldn't take no for an answer. All huffy.  I stayed firm and Mama Bear and told her as many times as needed "thank you and no I'm not comfortable having him try it."  I am getting those vibes from you OP - how dare someone not fall all over your generosity at sharing your from scratch homemade specialty whether it's about being full, being cautious, being sensitive to it.  I personally have a small appetite and food sensitivities so I've born the brunt too "oh just a bite to be polite."  No.  Stop. Totally fine to offer -then back off.

[Seraphim]

Forcing people to eat is an ultimate form of control. My in-laws used to force my husband to over eat so they didn’t have to put food back in the fridge . She used to poor white sugar on his food as a toddler to force him to eat. My husband now has a really bad sugar addiction that he will never give up . 
Controlling people to this level is a sickness.