I feel that I lost the one.

[Cat1203]

Hey guys,

its been 4 month post BU for me, and nearly 2 months this weekend of no contact. I decided over 2 weeks ago to take the advice to block my ex for my own sake so I’m not constantly thinking of him ‘might’ reach out. He ghosted me 2 months ago so the no contact is I guess what it is so I decided to block him because I need to try and move on.

it was my birthday today and I turned 22. But today was not gonna be the best day I thought it was even though I went to a gig and seen family before hand. I still felt this tremendous sadness constantly thinking of my ex. I just have these thoughts and I know it’s only been 4 months but I felt like he was the one for me even though he fell out of love and didn’t treat me how I should have been treated and didn’t meet my needs causing the breakup. I know I sound a bit stupid thinking that and reading it when I’ve written it now as words but i just feel i am never gonna get over him and times gonna go on in like a years time and I’ll still be feeling the same and he would have fully moved on. 
 

I’ve only partial blocked him so his number and some social media, left a platform over I’m not sure why I think it’s cause I miss him, but will I always feel like this. Have I truly lost the person who I was meant to be with, just feel lost but I am trying to improve myself, social life and work life 

thanks x

[Batya33]

It takes time!! Happy Birthday!! What are you going to do today that goes toward your self-improvement goal?

[Kwothe28]

You feel that you lost “the one” at 22 year old? Oh honey, there will be plenty who would be “ the one” after this one.

The whole concept of “The One” is silly. There is around 8 billion people in the world. If you are a great match with just one of those 8 billions, I would say that its on you because nobody is that special. Sure, you wont encounter 8 billion people nore you would mash up good with everybody. But surely you will find a plenty that you would. So “head high” as one of our members would said.

[TeeDee]

Happy Birthday.  

Here's the thing:  if you two broke up he wasn't The One.  That person is still out there.  

It's ok to grieve the loss of a relationship but that can't go on forever.  4 months after the fact it's time to move your life forward.  What are you doing to keep busy & keep your mind off him?  Be active.  Exercise.  Exercise produces happy endorphins to elevate your mood.  Take up a new hobby.  Get a side hustle or work overtime to earn more money.   Activity is the antidote to what ails you.    Make 22 the best year ever!

[Kwothe28]

Also, yes, happy birthday. Cant edit the previous message now. 
 

Forgot to tell, what you are experiencing is very common for people who didnt get over their exes. It will get better as the time comes and you could then accept that its over and move on from him and the whole situation. But you will need more time to do that.

[ShySoul]

No contact is not a magical solution that instantly makes it all better. It's a bandaid over the wound. It keeps you from being infected (being hurt by the person again), but the wound itself still needs time to heal itself. And different wounds take different lengths of time. There is no time limit. However long it takes for you, is however long it takes. I've hurt over someone for longer then four months. It's not stupid, it's simply how you feel. Some days you'll feel great, others will be miserable. But little by little, you get through. 

If you had found the one, it would have worked out. If it didn't, he wasn't the one. The thing with "the one" is that it's not really something you know until it's already happened. You can search, wonder, question. You can have false alarms that make you think they were the one. But I think you know for sure when you wake up beside the person and realize it's been twenty years and yet it feels like no time has passed at all. So, as difficult as it is, try not to worry about finding the one. Find yourself and what else makes you happy. Eventually, when you least expect, the one will find you.

And happy birthday. Take some time for you.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/26/2024 at 2:57 PM, Cat1203 said:

 I don’t want to go back to feeling or being treated a bit crappy most the time especially towards the end or even he couldn’t gone me what I wanted. 

Sorry this happened. Why was he treating you crappy and what was it he couldn't give you? This doesn't seem like the one who got away, this seems like you dodged a bullet.

[catfeeder]

Healing isn't something that happens 'to' us, it requires our participation. It takes as long as it takes. I'm not a believer in trying to kill all hope of reconciliation then attempting to bounce back from that and be happy about it. I don't think that's possible. Instead, place any such hopes on a back burner--still accessible, but out of your way. Trust that if ex ever has a change of heart, he will have no problem catching up with you no matter how far ahead you move your focus into your own social life, career development, and exploration of new interests and friendships and, when you are ready, dating.

You don't need to squelch all grieving moments, but limit those to shorter and fewer as you push yourself out to make commitments you will not break with family and friends who you may have neglected. Make this time about 'them-not-me' to avoid sulking about your ex. That's not helpful, it just makes everyone around you feel lousy.

Instead, practice supporting loved one's lives, their interests, their projects. You won't feel 'up' for putting on a show of energy, but this will calm you down and make you a better listener. This can transform prior relationships and grow more depth into them. Help loved ones with yard work, with their garage sales, with painting or errands. Help them prep meals or treat them to one. The company of people who ground you will help you 'normalize' into a better state. You'll feel valued and grateful, which will build your confidence and expand your reach beyond grieving.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[ShySoul]

I find the best way to heal is to not try to heal. When you do so, you're still putting your mind on it. It's like you are trying to prove a point, that this person won't have power over you. But they are still influencing your decisions. And if you don't feel better, then you start beating yourself up more about why you can't just be over it. 

So the best thing is to not worry about it. Continue with your life and do things that bring you joy. Find the myriad of other things out there and work to be happy in the other areas of your life. Yes, you will still feel sad occassional. But if you are happy otherwise, those moments will gradually lessen and be less intense when they do hit. One day you will think of the person and realize, it's not hurting anymore. 

[Cat1203]

On 3/22/2024 at 1:24 PM, Kwothe28 said:

Also, yes, happy birthday. Cant edit the previous message now. 
 

Forgot to tell, what you are experiencing is very common for people who didnt get over their exes. It will get better as the time comes and you could then accept that its over and move on from him and the whole situation. But you will need more time to do that.

Thank you very much for your comment. Been feeling really depressed the past few days just struggling since my birthday so been sleeping a lot and it’s his birthday coming up in a week as well so just feel it’s gonna be a bit tough till April emotion wise 

[Cat1203]

On 3/22/2024 at 10:36 AM, Batya33 said:

It takes time!! Happy Birthday!! What are you going to do today that goes toward your self-improvement goal?

Thank you. And at the minute I’m not even sure where to start with goals just feel a bit lost in my life generally and then with situations such as stress and then breakup I feel more lost 

[Cat1203]

On 3/22/2024 at 12:52 PM, TeeDee said:

Happy Birthday.  

Here's the thing:  if you two broke up he wasn't The One.  That person is still out there.  

It's ok to grieve the loss of a relationship but that can't go on forever.  4 months after the fact it's time to move your life forward.  What are you doing to keep busy & keep your mind off him?  Be active.  Exercise.  Exercise produces happy endorphins to elevate your mood.  Take up a new hobby.  Get a side hustle or work overtime to earn more money.   Activity is the antidote to what ails you.    Make 22 the best year ever!

Hi thanks for your comment! I’ve been trying to do this, just some days struggling  as I think I miss the memories I think that’s normal at this stage now. But yeah I think this stage is so hard as well cause at the start it’s new and you’ve got everyone there constantly but when it gets into this stage it’s like a standstill it feels the same everyday and you start to feel like your bothering people if you mention it which I try not to do anyway as much. I just never met someone like him, I know I’m young but before that I came out of a really toxic relationship. And I got into the recent one and I feel he didn’t cheat or do anything bad like that, and I’ve took that as well as long as he doesn’t do that it’s okay to accept the bare minimum not even that sometimes and then he fell out of love, idk why probs with me always asking for my needs to be met when I shouldn’t have as much should have just left after a few times I explained how I felt and it didn’t change

[TeeDee]

He may have been a good transition.  Because the relationship before was so toxic, the bare minimum was a step up.  That doesn't mean it's your ending point.  Neither is he.  

You now know what horrid looks like & what basic human decency looks like.  Now it's time to work on finding love, respect, commitment etc.  

[Cherylyn]

Happy Birthday and I'm sorry for your sadness.

Even though you think he's the one who got away,  you are the one who got away.  He shouldn't be put on a pedestal because you're very special and very deserving to be with the type of man who will cherish you and treat you preciously. 

Chin up.  It's a great big world out there and one of these days,  your ex will become a mere blur.  In the meantime,  remain focused on your industrious endeavors and you will be noticed because you are independent and strong.  Hang in there.

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, Cat1203 said:

I’ve took that as well as long as he doesn’t do that it’s okay to accept the bare minimum not even that sometimes

Don't settle for the minimum, and certainly don't accept less. We each deserve someone who will value and respect us as the unique indivuduals we are, someone who will treat us special. When you've really found the one, they will treat you extra well because they will know just how extraordinary you are.

Stay positive. Better days, and better guys, are out there.

[Cat1203]

On 3/23/2024 at 4:11 AM, ShySoul said:

No contact is not a magical solution that instantly makes it all better. It's a bandaid over the wound. It keeps you from being infected (being hurt by the person again), but the wound itself still needs time to heal itself. And different wounds take different lengths of time. There is no time limit. However long it takes for you, is however long it takes. I've hurt over someone for longer then four months. It's not stupid, it's simply how you feel. Some days you'll feel great, others will be miserable. But little by little, you get through. 

If you had found the one, it would have worked out. If it didn't, he wasn't the one. The thing with "the one" is that it's not really something you know until it's already happened. You can search, wonder, question. You can have false alarms that make you think they were the one. But I think you know for sure when you wake up beside the person and realize it's been twenty years and yet it feels like no time has passed at all. So, as difficult as it is, try not to worry about finding the one. Find yourself and what else makes you happy. Eventually, when you least expect, the one will find you.

And happy birthday. Take some time for you.

Hi, sorry I have been reading all the comments just been taking my time to respond as just feel really fed up at the minute. I went out on Saturday for my birthday and it was a drink normally I’m okay but my friend mentioned about the time we went to a gig and he came and then mentioned pictures so I had a look at one and he was in it smiling and I just started crying. I’ve never ever cried in the past years when I’ve had a drink so just for now I’ve decided not to drink alcohol intill I feel more okay emotionally. When I got home from that night I just sobbed and sobbed for like 10 minutes I barely have cried over it even if I’m thinking about it a lot even in periods of being busy. I had to also block him as mentioned 2 weeks ago, so I don’t know anyway if he even tried to wish me happy birthday. I do keep thinking about him and if he’ll try to reach out another way. I blocked him because I was angry with the fact he just ghosted me I know it’s a bit immature but I think as much as I don’t admit it and havnt said it out loud I’m hurt with him doing that so I blocked him as I thought well if you’ve ignored you don’t have the right to message me when you want. But I just want him to reach out to show he cares, misses me or wants me back. But I know he won’t even if I have some small hope he will. It just sucks 

[Cat1203]

On 3/23/2024 at 6:20 PM, catfeeder said:

Healing isn't something that happens 'to' us, it requires our participation. It takes as long as it takes. I'm not a believer in trying to kill all hope of reconciliation then attempting to bounce back from that and be happy about it. I don't think that's possible. Instead, place any such hopes on a back burner--still accessible, but out of your way. Trust that if ex ever has a change of heart, he will have no problem catching up with you no matter how far ahead you move your focus into your own social life, career development, and exploration of new interests and friendships and, when you are ready, dating.

You don't need to squelch all grieving moments, but limit those to shorter and fewer as you push yourself out to make commitments you will not break with family and friends who you may have neglected. Make this time about 'them-not-me' to avoid sulking about your ex. That's not helpful, it just makes everyone around you feel lousy.

Instead, practice supporting loved one's lives, their interests, their projects. You won't feel 'up' for putting on a show of energy, but this will calm you down and make you a better listener. This can transform prior relationships and grow more depth into them. Help loved ones with yard work, with their garage sales, with painting or errands. Help them prep meals or treat them to one. The company of people who ground you will help you 'normalize' into a better state. You'll feel valued and grateful, which will build your confidence and expand your reach beyond grieving.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Hi, thanks for your comment. Yes writing does help me on here it’s helped me loads don’t feel as alone cause I feel terribly alone even though I know I have people in my life it’s just lonely. It’s his birthday coming up this weekend as well, I have got plans to see friends that say but just worried about when that day comes. Just worried about my emotions as I have started missing him now it’s took 4 months and we have been in no contact for 2 months, see other comment as to why I blocked him. But I know it’s stupid if don’t know if it’s an ego thing or I genuinely want him to reach out as I thinks I’m aware that cause he dumped me that it makes you feel like that as you want the revalidation that you are actually wanted. Just fed up of feeling like that more than anything 

[Cat1203]

On 3/23/2024 at 7:18 PM, ShySoul said:

I find the best way to heal is to not try to heal. When you do so, you're still putting your mind on it. It's like you are trying to prove a point, that this person won't have power over you. But they are still influencing your decisions. And if you don't feel better, then you start beating yourself up more about why you can't just be over it. 

So the best thing is to not worry about it. Continue with your life and do things that bring you joy. Find the myriad of other things out there and work to be happy in the other areas of your life. Yes, you will still feel sad occassional. But if you are happy otherwise, those moments will gradually lessen and be less intense when they do hit. One day you will think of the person and realize, it's not hurting anymore. 

What about if it’s all you can think of. Cause I just wonder when I will be over it finding it hard even when I’m busy to not think about it. And that’s so true! I do beat myself up for lying in bed feeling like crap. These past 2 days all I have done is lie down in bed sleeping as just don’t want to face the world don’t want to answer anyone or interact with anyone. I have diagnosed depression as well, it was way way worse 5 years ago after that first relationship but I’m okay with dealing with it now but I sleep a lot sometimes cause everything gets to much and when your asleep your not thinking or anything. It’s sad but I have improved from years ago and from undergoing past therapy

[boltnrun]

Do something this weekend with a friend, cousin or sister. Do NOT spend the day in bed! Even if the last thing you feel like doing is going out, go out anyway. Ask your friend to promise not to let you go on about your ex. Ask them to say "I understand, but we're going to talk about something else". Do something fun that you have always enjoyed or try something new. Just do something, anything, other than lie in bed.

And happy belated birthday to you. 

Oh, and just so you know? I got dumped by a guy I swore was "the love of my life who I'll love FOREVER!!!!!111" Well, I didn't and I don't. He never crosses my mind unless I write about him on this forum or something reminds me of him and it doesn't even hurt. I don't love him anymore.

Oh and another story...I had been dumped (by a different guy). I had planned to spend the one year anniversary of him dumping me in bed all day. Well, I ended up not doing that because I was out with my new boyfriend!

You'll get there, I promise. 

[Cat1203]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Do something this weekend with a friend, cousin or sister. Do NOT spend the day in bed! Even if the last thing you feel like doing is going out, go out anyway. Ask your friend to promise not to let you go on about your ex. Ask them to say "I understand, but we're going to talk about something else". Do something fun that you have always enjoyed or try something new. Just do something, anything, other than lie in bed.

And happy belated birthday to you. 

Oh, and just so you know? I got dumped by a guy I swore was "the love of my life who I'll love FOREVER!!!!!111" Well, I didn't and I don't. He never crosses my mind unless I write about him on this forum or something reminds me of him and it doesn't even hurt. I don't love him anymore.

Oh and another story...I had been dumped (by a different guy). I had planned to spend the one year anniversary of him dumping me in bed all day. Well, I ended up not doing that because I was out with my new boyfriend!

You'll get there, I promise. 

Thank you!

I am going around to my friends on the weekend the day of his birthday so even if I am thinking of it hopefully the day will go by fast. And thanks for your story it really helps me!