What do I even do in this situation

[ryan16]

My gf and I had been dating for a little over a year now, like 15 months. We were both in high school and I was a junior and she was a senior. We met and became friends during cross country at our high school and we discovered we had a lot in common. I thought she was amazing; she is beautiful, really smart, and basically everything I wanted in a girl. We started dating in November of that year. She was my first gf, though she had been with a few guys before me that were only for a couple months. We were doing great and there was nothing wrong between us, but pretty soon the first challenges started happening. My parents are very religious, though I am not and neither was my gf. From the few times she came over to my house we got the sense my parents didn't really like her. This basically was the start of a gap between my gf and my parents. After a few months we took our relationship further and started doing more sexual acts in secret. We didn't feel like we were rushing things and we were both happy with our relationship. I would write about it in my journal, which my parents read and I got in trouble for. They already had screen restrictions and time limits on my phone but this got more increasing once they found out about this stuff. My gf was really upset by this. She was upset we couldn't have a "normal" relationship and also that my phone would lock every night at 9:30 so I can't talk to her. I also find out that my mom had been reading my journal for a long time, before I had started this relationship, as her way of keeping an eye on me. I was really hurt by that and like a huge invasion of my privacy. I can sort of understand reading it if you suspect I could be in danger but this was happening long before my gf. Once we stopped being intimate we started sexting more which I also got in trouble for because my mom got access to my texts. She also logged onto my snapchat account as myself to try to go through my messages but my gf texted her to stop being a creepy b*tch which only further worsened their relationship. That was a few months into our relationship, and after that she never came back to my house. We were still doing well and making the most of the situation. We did our best to see each other and go on dates. There were times when we would argue that usually stemmed from the situation with my parents. Usually it would go something like my gf wanted to see me and I didn't want to ask my parents because I knew they didn't approve and they might just say no. I usually procrastinated asking them to go on dates out of fear of them basically. It caused a lot of tension and stress for me. I felt like I was trapped in-between my mom and gf, as my mom was the main perpetrator and my dad kind of just went along with her. It doesn't help that my gf is extremely opinionated and combative, which at times seemed to make the situation worse. This is something I think a lot about now that we aren't together. She is very opinionated, and by nature I am not. I am definitely more laid back in chill. Therefore it felt like she was the one in control in this relationship. She usually came up with the date ideas because I felt the need to know it was something she wanted to do. She's the kind of person to have her entire life planned out and knows exactly what she wants. That was very attractive to me earlier but recently it seems like a source of conflict. Last fall she went off the college and I started my senior year of high school. The college she goes to is about 20 minutes away, so it worked out that we were still able to go on dates and see each other. It started well, but she seemed to change as time went on. She became unsatisfied with me and seemingly wanted someone more stable with their life together. At one point she told me she needs a 600k house to be happy and needed to be rich. Her anxiety and mental health issues also got bad and she expected me to stay up all night and text her so she could fall asleep. (I found a way past my phone restrictions my parents didn't know about). She wanted me to be more proactive with planning dates and just being a better boyfriend in general and I agree with that but I would argue I didn't have the space to do that in the situation I was in. This cumulated in finally a couple months ago she told me she had a new guy friend named henry at college. I was okay with that. I'm not some manipulative jerk that wouldn't let her have male friends, but immediately I started getting suspicious. She said he called her cute when they first started talking and that he would date her if she was single. He would stay up and text her while she was anxious and even offered to drive her around in his car so she could sleep. It seemed like he was trying to slide in between us while I wasn't there. To keep this as short as possible, basically she broke up with me after a month of that and two hours later did sexual acts with Henry immediately after we broke up. (Like 2 hours). She has since come back to me and doesn't talk to Henry anymore because she found out he's not a good guy after all and just wanted her for her body. (Surprise surprise). To make matters worse, the college she goes to is also the college I want to go to because it is a really good school and not even because of her. My parents have already said they aren't going to help me pay for my college if I choose to go there and are trying to get me to go to a trashy school 2 hours away. Right now my former gf and I still talk but we aren't dating I don't know what to do. If my parents find out I could be loosing out on the $40,000 they might spend to help me pay for college. I could go to a different school but it doesn't seem like the best option for my career.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're in this situation.  Can you apply for financial aid at the college you want? Transfer there later? Talk to the high school guidance counselor who maybe can talk to your parents?

I would avoid dating this girl - she's bad news for you and will distract you in a really bad way from your studies and activities.  (My son is 15 by the way).

[ShySoul]

Geez, I feel bad for you. You've been stuck between a rock and a hard place for over a year.

I wouldn't see the girl. A "normal" relationship in high school does not need to include sex, sexting, or staying up to the early hours of the morning. Regardless of what she thinks of your parents, she should have understood that they are still your parents and that as long as you are under their roof, there are certain rules that have to be respected. A good relationship would have found ways to work within the limitations provided, demonstrating that she was someone you're parents could trust. Her actions (and yours to be fair) only made things worse and served to show your parents they couldn't trust you and needed to take more drastic actions. Then she got way to demanding with you. You aren't even out of high school. Talk of being rich with a $600k home is a bit premature. Between the emotional issues and Henry, she seems to have a lot of growing up to do on her end. Try not to let her drag you down.

As for your parents, they are also being too controlling. Reading a private journal, logging into your accounts, those are disrespectful actions. Unfortunately, until you can get yourself settled somewhere else, it's a lot harder to avoid parents.

The top priority is you. If you want to go to this school, then make that the top concern. See about scholarships or financial aid. Create a proposal/presentation about why this school is the best fit for whatever career you are interested in. If presented with all the ways this school is best for your future, most parents would be okay with supporting it. And if they aren't, then weigh your options. What will be more beneficial for your well being? You have to be happy in your life with your decisions, not making choices because others think it's best. If you won't be happy at the other school, don't go. Maybe you might have to work and do school part time to help pay for it. There are any number of options. So pick what you feel will be best for you.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ryan16 said:

 she broke up with me after a month of that and two hours later did sexual acts with Henry immediately after we broke up. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you seem to have extremely strict oppressive parents. 

There's a few things going on here. One is she is away at university and enjoying her freedom and youth and campus life, as she should. A lot of highschool romances drift apart because of that phenomenon.

The other is that she represents the rebellion you are terrified of. You are so utterly afraid of and controlled by your mother, that being with her was a sort of passive aggressive way to combat that. 

Please get the best grades you can and talk to highschool mentors, teachers and guidance counselors about scholarships, financial aid and going to university as far away as possible from your parents.

Please also talk to other adults about your parents behavior. Perhaps you could use some deprogramming from years of this toxic umbilical cord. 

As far as this highschool GF, leave her alone. Set each other free to grow and live life. 

[ryan16]

How would you feel about the Henry thing? Technically speaking she didn't cheat because we had broken up but it was immediately after and feels like a gut punch. Either she loved him while she was in a relationship with me or would do those things with people she doesn't love, neither of which is what I'm looking for in a partner. She hasn't mentioned him since and to my knowledge has completely shut him out but I still don't know how I feel about it. She said he initiated it and that she didn't really want it but she still let it happen. It makes me sick. There's so much that's happened that I feel like I'm forgetting details. She's never given me reason to believe she would cheat and I guess she never has. 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, ryan16 said:

 feels like a gut punch. neither of which is what I'm looking for in a partner.  I still don't know how I feel about it. . It makes me sick. 

Please set yourselves free. You broke up, were hurt, feel betrayed and have lost all respect for her. There's no point hanging on to this. You know exactly how you feel about it and her. You mentioned several times it makes you sick.

The relationship is toxic. It probably always was to some extent because of trauma bonding. For example your mother and this GF going at each other like honey badgers. You realize that's not normal, right?

Hopefully you recognize you have a lot of damage from your mother, even regurgitating her excessive morality stance. Your mother abuses religion because she's a fantatic and very broken person. 

Unfortunately you're going to have to do that work of cutting these poisonous apron strings. Hopefully you'll look into therapy while at university. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, ryan16 said:

How would you feel about the Henry thing? Technically speaking she didn't cheat because we had broken up but it was immediately after and feels like a gut punch. Either she loved him while she was in a relationship with me or would do those things with people she doesn't love, neither of which is what I'm looking for in a partner. She hasn't mentioned him since and to my knowledge has completely shut him out but I still don't know how I feel about it. She said he initiated it and that she didn't really want it but she still let it happen. It makes me sick. There's so much that's happened that I feel like I'm forgetting details. She's never given me reason to believe she would cheat and I guess she never has. 

Henry served you well to expose the GF as disloyal and a bad match for you. So put her aside, and consider that there are far more than 2 schools in the world--so start applying to them. Going away to school would remove you from under your mother's thumb, and that's probably the best possible education your could master.

[SooSad33]

Sorry to hear of all your challenges 😕 .

It can be quite challenging sometimes for kids at your age.. but you need to learn and just try to keep moving ahead.

IMO, she is not for you.  She distanced from you & dumped you, don't go taking her back because this other guy wasn't 'good enough'.

I just feel you two have distanced now & it'll never be the same 😕 .  Then work on accepting it and move on.

Maybe it's best to just stop dealing with her all together so you CAN work at moving on.  No need to keep contact anymore.  She's now in college and living a new life & experience.

As for your parents, yah, they are ridiculous! 😕 .  You're not 10 yrs old anymore.  You're now a Sr in school?  Maybe it's time to admit to them you are hitting adulthood and would like proper respect. ( or is it because you're a first child/ oldest?).  Mine tried with me, but I never worked well with curfews etc, so they just gave up, lol.

And please do not try & 'follow' this girl to that college, just because she is there.  Do wht is best for YOU!  Cause in the end, YOU are all you've got. 😉 

 

[MissCanuck]

Your ex only came back because Henry turned out to be a dud. She will dump you  again as soon as he changes his mind, or as soon as she meets another guy. 

My point is that your relationship with her has run its course, and it would be foolish to keep talking to her. Even without your parents' disapproval, she is objectively not a good match for you and won't stick around anyway. 

Set yourself free from this. 

 

[TeeDee]

Your mother has major boundary issues.  I am troubled by the idea that a grown woman would use her son's phone to call his HS GF & call her a b1tch.   

Since your parents are religious, even though you are not, perhaps enlist some help from their minster to work through things.  

Talk to a guidance counselor at school about your college choices.  If that school is the best for what you want to do, let the guidance counselor help you explain that to mom & dad.  Again if you can get the minister on your side regarding your choice of schools that should also help your case. 

You & your GF may have run your course.  Many HS romances don't survive the transition to college.  Don't let your relationship status derail your goals.  

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Your ex only came back because Henry turned out to be a dud. She will dump you  again as soon as he changes his mind, or as soon as she meets another guy. 

 

This. 

Your girlfriend is a spoiled brat. That always needs to get what she wants. Even before you described her leaving you for another man, I knew where it was heading. As soon as she doesnt get what she wants from you and shiny new thing that calls her cute and offers to ride her in his car shows up, she is gone. I would never took her back after that though it seems you are not on good legs anymore. To make matters worst, it sems she adopted "I need a man to be rich so I could be" mentality lots of younger people under the influence of social media do. So you dont cut it at all anymore.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Henry served you well to expose the GF as disloyal and a bad match for you. So put her aside, and consider that there are far more than 2 schools in the world--so start applying to them. Going away to school would remove you from under your mother's thumb, and that's probably the best possible education your could master.

Yes.  I agree.  And it's not about whether she technically cheated - technically some would say you can't cheat unless you married -who cares what it's called other than it's called showing you she's a bad match for you and that's one of the reasons why.  

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  I agree.  And it's not about whether she technically cheated - technically some would say you can't cheat unless you married -who cares what it's called other than it's called showing you she's a bad match for you and that's one of the reasons why.  

Yeah, disloyalty is disloyalty, no need to split hairs about it. Just toss her aside as irrelevant. However, joining the closest school with your desired program wouldn’t be a mistake because of the girl, it would be a mistake because she’s not the only one who’s been untrustworthy—your Mom would squelch your natural development for the next 4 years. So go to another school with your program to round yourself out socially. Academic advantages are not the only ones that count. Liberating yourself from an intrusive and controlling mother is more important than anything you can learn from a Bachelors degree.